A/N
Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter, and thanks for staying with me through the direction I'm taking the story in. A bit of a patchy chapter here, but things are moving forward as I want them to. Sorry for being a little slow with updates, my real life is just EATING my time at the moment. I'm hoping to continue with my current rate of two chapters a week. As always, reviews are much appreciated and I'll have the next chapter out ASAP :)
Chapter Five
It was moments like this that Leonard McCoy wished he'd chosen a different career path.
He looked at his best friend, blue eyes brimming with tears that he was struggling to contain, Spock beside him looking pale and shocked. Leo sitting between them looked as if they had just been having a casual conversation about nothing in particular.
"You understand what I'm saying, right?" McCoy asked gently.
"Yeah, sure. When are you cracking my head open to get a look at this thing?" he asked casually and Jim took a sharp inhale of breath, quickly wiping his face with the back of his hand.
"Uh… you'll need to do a full six week course of chemo. We're going to try and shrink it first, with it being the size it is, it's too risky to go right ahead, we could do more harm than good. Are you ok, kid? Do you want to talk to… I don't know, a counsellor or something?" he offered and Leo shrugged.
"Don't see why I'd want to waste time doing that. When's chemo starting?" he asked.
Jim looked stunned.
"Well… tomorrow if you want to," Bones said after a small pause.
"Yeah I'm not doing anything; that sounds fine."
Everyone was silent. Jim sniffled and Bones looked away from him, he looked away from all of them.
"Will I have to stay here overnight?" Leo asked and Bones shook his head.
"Not if you don't want to. I can arrange for you to go home afterwards. You'll need someone there to look after you though, it's probably going to make you really sick," he said and Leo nodded in acceptance.
"How long of a recovery time are you predicting? I mean am I going to make it back to school for spring term?"
Bones sighed slightly. The kid was in denial.
"Sure, kid. I'll have you all patched up in time for January," he said and it was Spock's turn to take a deep breath.
"And if all treatment fails, how long will I have… you know, left?" he asked and Bones took a deep breath.
"Based on the current scans… the estimated rate of growth… I don't know. Three to six months. You're doing the right thing to go ahead with the treatment, as hard as it's going to be, it's not incurable, it's not terminal. Not at this stage." He'd already gone over the slim odds of full recovery.
"Eight percent huh? Sounds reasonable," Leo said brightly with a lopsided smile.
"Stop it," Jim whispered, getting to his feet.
"You… are you not hearing this? You could die, Leo. This is your life we're talking about here, it isn't a game or a joke!" Jim said and Leo sank down into his chair a little bit.
"Sorry, Dad. I guess I don't want to let this change how I'm going to be. I'm going to deal with it in the same way I've always dealt with my problems, with a shrug and a smile and a 'well shit, life has dealt me a bad hand, but there's gonna be a way around it somehow'… I hope you can understand that. That's how I'm going to cope. And I'm not going to tell anybody either, this stays between us. Not even Chris. I'll block our bond, we barely use it anyway, but he can't know. I don't need him stressing over it."
Jim put his hand on his son's shoulder and smiled slightly.
"Wish I had your outlook," he said quietly.
Spock stood silently and left the room.
"You should go after him, I'm fine here. I had a few questions about chemo and stuff too," Leo prompted and Jim nodded, almost tripping over the chair in his haste to follow Spock into the corridor outside Bones' office.
"Spock," Jim said as he saw him standing a few feet down the corridor, his back turned. Jim approached him slowly, putting one hand on his shoulder and turning him around to face him.
"How can he remain so calm?" Spock asked quietly.
Jim shook his head.
"I don't know, Spock, I really don't," he said just as quietly.
Before he really knew what he was doing he had wrapped Spock in his arms, his face buried in his shoulder, holding him tightly. Spock hugged him back so tightly he was certain his ribs would be sore all day. He didn't care.
"Did you hear that they might be able to make me see?!" burst Leo's excited voice from the door of Bones' office.
"They're having a moment kid," Bones pointed out and Jim and Spock reluctantly let go of each other.
"How?" Jim asked quickly. This certainly lifted the terrible news slightly.
"Seren has been doing years of research and she thinks she can clone the part of Christopher's brain that I don't have, and then put it in my head. How awesome would that be?" he said with a grin.
Jim felt like his heart was breaking clean in two. How could he still be smiling at a time like this? After finding out he was probably going to die?
"Pretty awesome," he said with a small smile.
"We just need to get Chris to agree to donate some cells and we can go ahead with it!"
"Will his treatment affect this procedure Doctor?" Spock asked and Bones shrugged.
"It's worth a try," Bones said and Leo grinned wider.
"See, I might die but at least I can see all your ugly faces first!"
Jim took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second.
"Too soon?" Leo asked at the silence following his comment.
"Much," said Spock shortly.
The three of them left the hospital together. Leo decided to go home with them, rather than to the apartment. Chris had partied hard last night and although Leo had got well on his way to being drunk, he'd snuck off halfway through the night and had left him and David in the bar and got a cab home alone.
"I'll go up to my room so you guys can talk about me in peace," Leo said as they arrived home. Jim couldn't speak. His hands were shaking. He felt sick to his stomach.
"Just… come here," he mumbled, grabbing his son and hugging him tightly.
"Don't cry," said Leo as he felt Jim's warm tears soaking into the shoulder of his shirt.
"I'm not going anywhere, not if I can help it," he said defiantly, rubbing Jim's back and passing him over to Spock who took over the hugging. Leo was relieved, maybe they were getting somewhere in fixing their relationship?
"Hey, I promise you, I'll be fine. Do you know where Seren is? I need to ask her about this sight thing, and get her to explain it to Chris so we can get started on it," he said.
"She is with Joanna and Emily, I believe they are spending the day together," said Spock.
"Oh. Well I'll give her a call later," he said, turning and walking carefully up to his room. His bed smelled like Spock had been sleeping in it.
Maybe they haven't got so far with fixing things yet… he thought as he settled under the covers. Bones had advised him to get well rested ready for the beginning of his treatment, and he was going to follow the Doctors orders.
"I can't lose him Spock," Jim whispered as Spock held him, one hand gently stroking the back of his head, the other settled on his lower back.
"Have faith in his strength," Spock said. He wasn't convinced even himself that Leo could win this fight, though he knew he would try as hard as he possibly could.
"I do have faith in him, but I mean… the odds are pretty bad."
I am aware, but have faith. He has always excelled at beating the odds when they are not in his favour.
Jim clung to him tighter as he used their bond to communicate for the first time in months.
"You are tired, Jim, perhaps rest would be advisable at this time?" Spock suggested and Jim looked up at him with red eyes from crying.
"Yeah I could really use a nap," he admitted, looking away momentarily.
"I will accompany you as it is clear you do not wish to be alone at this time. If that is acceptable to you?" Spock asked and Jim sighed.
They'd talked everything through. From the beginning to the end. Every fight, every unresolved issue. Spock had always felt secure enough in their marriage that he didn't think it would be a problem for him to spend long periods of time away from his family, but Jim had abandonment issues from his Mother leaving him as a child, and Spock had unintentionally made these issues much worse.
After the miscarriage Jim had become distant. He was heartbroken, that much was obvious, and he mourned for a long time, taking a full three months off work on medical grounds. He spent hours in therapy as Spock was away, and he didn't want to trouble Bones with his problems all the time. When Spock returned all Jim could think about was how many days it would be until he would have been due to have their fourth child.
The day came and went. Spock refused to acknowledge it, and Jim had slept on Bones' couch that night after hacking his way into the house, Joanna finding him there after sneaking downstairs for a midnight snack and covering him over with a blanket.
They both agreed that it was by failing to talk about this issue that the cracks had started to form. They lost faith in each other and their ability to work as a team, maybe because they hadn't done so in so long. Jim wanted so desperately to make everything work, but he was hurting and scared of giving Spock any opportunity to hurt him any more than he had already done.
"I'd like that," Jim heard himself mumble. Spock took his hand gently and led him to their bedroom. Jim allowed him to. He also allowed him to carefully remove his clothing piece by piece until all that remained were his black boxers.
Jim suddenly felt very self-conscious under Spock's gaze as he pushed him gently so he fell onto the soft mattress.
Spock rid himself of his own clothing and climbed into the bed next to Jim. Just as Jim was about to speak, to tell him he didn't want any form of sexual contact Spock turned him onto his side and settled behind him, holding him close, one hand finding his and lacing their fingers together.
Jim felt only comfort being passed through the bond, there was no sexual advance behind the touch. He understood that ridding them of most of their clothes was to allow maximum skin to skin contact.
"Sleep, T'hy'la," Spock soothed and Jim closed his eyes.
"Don't leave me again," Jim mumbled with his eyes closed.
"Never," Spock said sincerely, placing a kiss on the back of Jim's neck and holding him safely in his arms until exhaustion took him.
Jim's short nap turned into him sleeping right through until morning, Spock never left him, and the times when he would stir or mumble in his sleep he was there to gently smooth his hair and kiss his neck, lulling him back to sleep until the cold morning light pierced through the curtains.
In a few hours Leo would begin his treatment, and there would be no going back.
"There we go, raise your right hand a little more – PERFECT! Stay right there."
Chris held his pose as the camera clicked, his right hand curled around the throat of the pretty young girl standing in front of him, his teeth tugging at her earlobe, eyes closed. He'd put no pressure on her neck, but he could feel her tense, scared even.
He let go as soon as he was given the order and the girl flounced off, pulling on a large sweatshirt to keep warm between sets of images.
"Right. Next we're thinking we'll get you on the front of the car and Jessie will-"
Christopher zoned out as the photographer spoke. Just nodded brainlessly along with whatever he wanted.
"You're ok with being naked?"
Chris nodded.
"You ever done nude before?"
Chris shook his head and the director looked him up and down. He was only wearing a pair of leather pants so tight that they left little to the imagination.
"Well I don't think you'll have a problem. In your own time," the photographer said and Chris didn't hesitate in stripping off completely, smirking at the way the two female models eyes widened slightly.
"Well?" Christopher asked, raising his arms in a sort of shrug. The photographer looked like he'd just been told he'd won the lottery.
"You ever thought about porn, kid? You're twenty right?"
Chris paused for a moment. Jim would be disappointed. So, so disappointed.
"Never really thought about it," he dismissed. "Where do you need me to stand?" he asked, trying to move the conversation onwards.
"Over there, the girls are going to stand in a way that'll mean you'll be able to tell you're naked, but you wont really see anything in the shots. It'll be a shame, but that's what we've been told to do today. I'll pass your number on to my contact, because he'll definitely be wanting to talk to you."
Christopher just nodded again and did as he was told. All he wanted was money in his bank account, and he was getting kind of sick of this particular photographer. He was tired, still getting over partying hard after welcoming Emily home.
The rest of the shoot passed relatively quickly and before long he was pulling his clothes back on, getting on his hover-bike and speeding towards home.
"Leo, you here?" he called as he walked through the door. He was met with silence and ran a hand through his hair, sighing. He reached out for his twin through their bond but was met with… nothing. Blankness. It had been blocked from the other side.
Leo and Christopher had always shared a strong mental connection. It had stemmed from being twins, developing together from an embryonic level, their brains so close they'd become bonded together so tightly it was similar to the bond shared by Jim and Spock.
Leo?
Christopher kicked off his shoes and walked through the living room towards his bedroom, wanting to get some sleep. He paused as he noticed some of his things weren't where he had left them.
"Take a seat, Christopher," came a voice from the couch. He turned quickly, eyes locking onto Jim who was sitting there staring at him.
"What's going on?" Chris asked as he cautiously walked over.
"Just… sit down," Jim sighed and Chris obeyed, sitting on the other couch opposite him.
"Fun photoshoot? You've got lipstick on your ear," Jim pointed out and Chris reached up one hand to wipe it off, not taking his eyes off his father.
"Yeah it was… good. What's wrong, you look like something is wrong," he asked suspiciously.
Jim didn't look right. At all. He looked tired, even by his standards, and his eyes were puffy and red as if he'd been… crying.
"Oh god. Are you getting a divorce? Is it over? Is that it?" he asked quickly and Jim shook his head.
"There are two reasons I'm here. The first one, is these," Jim said, lifting his left hand for Chris to see. Clasped between his thumb and forefinger was a small, clear bag containing white pills.
Christopher swallowed hard. Fuck. Jim had searched his room.
"Had a feeling something was going on. The other night, your eyes weren't quite… focusing. You seemed a little too enthusiastic about everything. Seems I was right to be suspicious," Jim said. The disappointment on his face was clear.
"You had no right to come in here and rummage my room and-"
"Looks like I needed to though, huh?" Jim interrupted calmly.
Christopher was quiet as Jim's blue eyes bored into him.
"Why?" he asked quietly.
Chris shrugged.
"I don't know. Drink doesn't affect me like everyone else. I can't get… enough from it. It started as a bit of fun, and now it's just for… I don't know, comfort. I feel better, with them," he stammered.
"What are they?" Jim asked and Chris shook his head.
"You can tell me, or I can get them analysed, it's entirely up to you."
Chris leaned back into the couch and closed his eyes.
"Diazepam," Chris said quietly. Jim's face screwed up.
"Sleeping pills. You get high off sleeping pills? What are you stupid or something? Jesus. I thought it was… I don't know, ecstasy or something, but really, you're playing with something people use to kill themselves?!"
"I had… a freakout. A few months back. I got drunk, and I had a freakout. I saw a doctor about it, he told me about the medication but that it'd go on my record if he prescribed it. I didn't want that, so I found a different source," he explained as Jim stared at him incredulously.
"That is the dumbest thing you've ever… these could be anything! Whoever you're getting them from could lie, you could be putting yourself in danger and… what did you freak out over?!" Jim demanded and Chris flinched. He hated it when Jim yelled. He didn't do it often, but when he did it was like he really meant it.
"I… honestly don't know. One minute I was fine, I was with a girl actually, but then my whole body started to feel… wrong. I don't know how to describe it. I was overheating, I couldn't breathe, my heart was pounding… every molecule of my body was telling me to… run or fight or… I don't even know. It was horrible. I didn't want it happening again."
Jim stared at him before moving to sit beside him, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"God, I'm relieved. I was worried you were some kind of junkie," he sighed and Christopher smiled a little.
"No." Christopher hesitated. Part of him wanted to tell Jim he was getting in over his head. That the fun of rebellion with the modelling work had worn off. That he was sorry for being a pain in the ass. That he knew however hard he tried to provoke him, Spock wouldn't react and he knew it. But he didn't, he kept quiet and carefully studied Jim's face.
"You'll stop though, right? Or at least do everything legitimately?" Jim said and Chris nodded.
"Good. Now the second thing. Uh. Shit. Could you come with me? Home for a bit? We need to all be together for this," Jim said and Chris felt uneasy.
"Yeah, let me get a jacket," he said, getting to his feet.
He could feel something was wrong, he could sense it.
Leo, what's going on? Is something wrong?
His twin ignored him, the bond blocked from his end and leaving Chris feeling more and more nervous.
"You want to put part of my brain in Leo's brain?" Chris asked and Seren nodded.
"A clone of it," she corrected.
"And that'll fix him, make him see?"
"It could, there is a chance it will work, however as I have explained there are also considerable odds of failure."
Everyone was looking at him expectantly and he nodded.
"Yeah. I'll do it. You can take whatever you need from me," he nodded and Leo smiled.
"I owe you one," he said.
"We'll see if it works first," he said and Seren nodded. Spock watched them all carefully. Jim was staring at the floor.
"Is there… something else going on?" Christopher asked suspiciously.
"No. Nothing. Just that. I uh… I'm going to sleep here tonight though, if that's alright?" Leo said cautiously. He looked off, a little pale and peaky, like he maybe had a fever or something.
"You sleep where you want to sleep, I'm not going to force you to come back to the apartment," he said, standing up to leave and fumbling in his pocket for his keys.
"I wish you'd wear a helmet when you ride that damn thing you know," Jim sighed as he saw him out.
"Helmets are for losers," he smirked as he swung one leg over the bike.
"I'm sure the patient I lost last week in a bike accident would argue otherwise," Seren pointed out.
Christopher hesitated and then sighed, opening the compartment and pulling out the helmet he hadn't worn for months, jamming it on his head roughly.
"Happy?"
"Very. You need to keep that brain of your protected now remember?" Seren said with a small smile. Spock just stood in the doorway watching them.
"I'll see you tomorrow so you can steal part of my brain then," he said. He wasn't scared for the surgery. Not really. He knew it wouldn't be much, Leo's half would be much worse. They could take what they needed from him in donor cells through a tiny hole, but Leo's skull would have to be opened to allow them to introduce the cloned section. Chris shuddered slightly at the thought.
"Indeed," she nodded. Jim offered a small wave as he started walking back up to the house.
Christopher was still suspicious that there was something else going on as he revved the bike and then sped off into the faint orange glow of the setting sun.
It was several more hours until Seren heard the faint sound of retching coming from the bathroom.
Jim and Spock had gone to bed an hour or so before, whether it was to sleep or not she didn't really want to know.
"Leo?" she asked gently as she knocked the bathroom door.
The door opened a moment later. Her younger brother was sweaty and pale, but hadn't actually vomited. Yet.
"I don't feel so good," he mumbled as she took his hand and led him back down the hallway to his room.
"I know," she soothed as she helped him into the bed, one hand gently stroking his drenched hair.
"You throw up if you need to, don't worry about me seeing or anything, I see worse things," she said and he nodded.
"I tried, I just… can't. I don't know. My body won't let me," he sighed.
She kept hold of his one hand and he held it back tightly.
"Can you hand me my glass of water?" he asked in a whisper. She squeezed his hand reassuringly and handed him the glass, watching as his hand shook as he raised it to his lips and took a small sip.
"Everything tastes like metal," he said with a grimace, handing the glass back.
"I know," she mumbled, gently applying pressure to his shoulder to encourage him to lay down. He did and she pulled the blankets up around him.
"Don't leave me," he whispered after a few minutes of silence.
"I'll be right here," she said with a sad smile, bringing one hand up to push his hair back off his forehead.
"It's going to get worse isn't it?" he asked after a few more minutes.
"Leo… I don't want-"
"I know it is," he cut her off and she sighed.
"It is. Focus on something in the future. What's the first thing you're going to do after you successfully finish your treatment?"
He thought for a moment before smiling.
"I'm going to go into space, to see all the things Jim talks about, because by then I'll be able to see," he said determinedly.
"And then I'm going to come home a man, and tell the girl I've been crushing on for the better part of fifteen years that I'm completely in love with her," he admitted and Seren allowed herself a small chuckle.
"And if the fact she already has a boyfriend comes in the way of that?"
"Then I'll hog-tie him and lock him in the basement," he grinned and Seren laughed.
"I'll help," she smiled, giving his hair one last affectionate ruffle up before leaving him alone to get some much-needed sleep.
