A/N

Thanks for being patient, as I promised, I won't give up on the story! Thank you endlessly for your kind reviews, they mean an awful lot.

Enjoy.

Oh. And having tissues handy might be a good idea for parts of this chapter.


"Don't look at me," Chris wriggled away from David, pulling the blankets higher as he did so, protectively covering his injuries.

"I'm not looking," David assured softly, making sure to keep his face turned in a way that made it obvious he wasn't looking.

"You good?"

Chris mumbled an affirmative and David slipped under the blankets beside him.

"You're always so nice and warm," he sighed contentedly, sliding up to Chris and wrapping his arms around him carefully.

"You're always nice and cool."

"Guess we help each other out then," David said before instructing the lights to turn off.

"Night Chris. Good to have you home," he said quietly and the part-Vulcan shifted a little in his arms.

"David I… what are we?" he asked and David frowned a little before relaxing.

"We can be whatever we want to be."

"Cut the shit," Chris whispered and David chuckled lightly.

"Ok. I uh… I mean well… I'd really hate if I saw you with anyone else," he mumbled, Chris shivering at the feeling of David's soft lips brushing against the skin of his neck as he spoke.

"You never would. Only you," he said softly.

"You want to know if my feelings have changed?" David asked and Chris nodded a little.

"No. They haven't," he said honestly and Chris seemed to sag with disappointment, taking a deep, steadying breath.

"They haven't changed because they didn't need to change. I just didn't understand them properly before… I… I love you, and I couldn't see it, but now I can see it and I don't ever want to stop seeing it," he said honestly and Chris held his breath for a second in a way that made David's stomach do a nervous twist. He was just about to ask if he was alright when he was met with Chris' lips against his own. Soft, gentle, vulnerable.

"Even though I'm like… like this?" he breathed and David frowned.

"Beautiful. That's all you ever were, all you are. And don't you forget it. In fact, I'll tell you every day, just so you don't," he said and Chris chuckled softly, pressing a small kiss to the side of David's jaw.

"If you're sure. I mean, there's a perfectly good undamaged model downstairs," Chris said and David held him a little tighter.

"Pretty sure that the perfectly good undamaged model downstairs is a little preoccupied with my sister, so might not be so interested in my advances;" he said and Chris snorted.

"That's true. He's probably all gross and sexually useless too, need to talk to him about that," Chris mumbled sleepily.

"Definitely, babe. I'm sure between the two of us we can give him some good manly advice."

"Babe?" David could practically hear the raised eyebrow.

"Sorry. Slipped."

"You called me 'love' at the hospital, that was much better," Chris said and David smiled.

"I can do that. Anyway, get some sleep mister, you've got healing to do," he ordered as Chris yawned widely.

"Mmm. Night Captain," he mumbled, burying his face into where David's neck and shoulder met and wrapping one arm around his back.

"Goodnight."

David waited until he was certain Christopher was asleep and had been for a while before he snuck out of bed. He took the small, carefully re-wrapped box containing the holo-emitter and placed it on the bedside table beside Chris before tiptoeing downstairs.

He paused in the hallway as he heard voices in the kitchen, keeping his back flat against the wall and his head tilted so he could hear more clearly.

"-goin' to be a tough day for everybody, but I think Spock should get it over with, no sense puttin' it off any longer than he needs to," his father said, then pausing, no doubt taking a sip of a drink of some kind.

"It's got to be so hard for him though… there's just no real… closure. Even a funeral won't give him that," his mother replied softly.

David felt his breath hitch in his throat and closed his eyes tightly.

"I know. But the kids… the kids need to bury him. Can't go on indefinitely. Need to have a grave, or… I don't know, something, somewhere they can go to feel close to him. We both know full well none of them are going back to that house anytime soon," Leonard said and Carol made a quiet noise in the affirmative.

"No. But do you think you could go back there? If you were Spock?"

"God no. I'd be staying as far away from that house as I could for as long as I could. And it won't surprise me if Spock moves away, at least out of San Fran… but I could see him goin' off planet even, maybe to New Vulcan, maybe on a long assignment with Starfleet. Sure as hell hope he doesn't though. Jim made me aware of their agreements on if anythin' happened to either of them out in the black, and whichever one of them lived was meant to take care of those three, and if it was neither of them, then we were supposed to. I won't sit idly by and ignore it if he goes runnin' off to New Vulcan… I can't-" Leonard paused and lowered his voice. "I can't let Jim's wishes be ignored. He didn't want for much if anythin' happened to him. Split it all three ways, and Spock to take care of the kids, that's all he wanted," he said, voice cracking slightly.

There was the small squeaking sound of one of the kitchen chairs sliding across the floor and David inhaled sharply as he tried to contain his own emotions.

He was wiping the first tears off his own face with the back of his hand as his mother opened the kitchen door to find him standing outside it and beckoned him inside, closing the door behind him.

She embraced him in a warm hug and he held her tightly, staring over her shoulder blankly at his father so stared right back at him, the exact same pain on his face that he knew he was displaying so clearly.

"It'll be okay, David, eventually," Carol said softly and she held him close.

"I know. Just… it's horrible. All of it. Seren's barely saying a word and Spock is… god… I don't know, never seen anything like it. Leo's being weird too, and I don't know if Chris is really aware of-"

"The less Chris is aware of right now, the better. He's on a lot of medication which is stopping him really feeling most of what's going on, but that can't go on indefinitely, but yeah… when that stops it isn't going to be easy," Leonard said grimly.

David sighed as his mother let him go at last and he stepped forward, sinking into one of the chairs at the table and letting his head fall into his hands.

A glass was slid towards him and he glanced at it.

Two fingers of what looked to be the good stuff, the stuff that only came out on special occasions.

He picked up the glass and swirled it around, staring blankly at it.

"Spock dragging his feet over Jim's funeral, then?" David asked and Leonard nodded once.

"Can't say I blame him. Probably aint the easiest thing to arrange, to be buryin' your husband of twenty-odd years," David sighed, taking a tiny sip from the glass and savouring the burn in his mouth before swallowing.

"Fifteen, they'd be at sixteen years this year," Leonard corrected and David shook his head.

"No. They bonded before that, that's deeper than marriage, so they were at twenty years at least in my eyes," he said. Carol and Leonard exchanged a glance that wasn't missed by their son.

"You've always been older than your years, and we're both really proud of you, and of the way you acted out there," Carol said, pouring herself a third glass of the golden liquid.

"Not me you should be proud of. Be proud of Chris, because if it wasn't for him pushing me, I wouldn't have taken the risk and sat in that chair," he said, staring at the wooden surface of the table.

"To Christopher Kirk," Leonard said, raising his glass.

"And to Leo, for getting us there quick enough to save your sorry asses," David added, not missing the trace of a smile his father gave him in response to that comment.

"And to Jim, for just being Jim," added Carol quietly.

The three drank in silence before eventually all retreating to bed.

David wasn't as quiet as he thought he was and woke Chris as he clambered into bed beside him.

"Mmmwha'time'sit?" he mumbled sleepily and David shushed him.

"Don't matter darlin', back to sleep," he soothed, carefully cuddling up to him, being cautious to avoid placing his hands near any of Chris' injuries.

"Have you been drinking?" Chris whispered after a few seconds.

David paused.

"No. Why?"

"Thought I could smell it. Must be my senses all screwed up," he sighed.

"Maybe. Just get some sleep," David said, careful to turn away so Chris wouldn't smell the alcohol on his breath again.


Joanna stumbled, catching herself before she fell but not quickly enough to avoid jostling into a man standing at the crowded bar waiting to be served.

"M'sorry," she slurred, trying to focus her eyes as he turned to face her.

"McCoy?"

She squinted and blinked hard before realising she recognised the face before her from that fateful day on the ship.

"Tucker?" she responded. He nodded and pulled her closer, away from the mess of the dancefloor behind.

"You here by yourself? Aint no place for a lady all alone," he said, hand staying protectively on the small of her back.

"Most nights this week," she shrugged, flagging down the bartender for another drink and getting two this time, handing one to Tucker.

"Shouldn't be drinkin' most nights," he said over the boom of the music, leaning closer to her to make himself heard.

"You sound like my father," she muttered, draining her glass in one and setting the empty cylinder down on the bar with a satisfying thud.

"Wanna talk about it?" he offered as he sipped from his own drink.

"Talk about what?" she asked, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Well, you look like you been here most nights this week, aint been sleepin'. You're pretty drunk, but not so that you can't control yourself, and you're alone… so you aint here to party. You're here for the same reason I am. To forget about everythin' you saw and heard that day up on the ship," he said, hazel eyes meeting hers which immediately filled with tears.

"Hey, come on, lets get outta here," he said, his hand on the small of her back and carefully steering her towards the exit and out, up the stairs and back onto the street.

"Did you have a jacket?" he asked as she shivered in her dress.

"Don't need one," she mumbled.

He unzipped his own and removed it, draping it around her shoulders and making her head swim slightly with the scent of his aftershave on the fabric.

"You looked different up on the ship," she slurred slightly and he smiled.

"Did I now? And how's that?"

"I don'-hic-don' know," she mumbled, stumbling a little and causing him to grab onto her upper arm to steady her.

"You can't walk in your heels Ms. McCoy," he pointed out and she shook her head.

"Never could. Little sister struts about in 'em all day long, not me, nuh uh. Maybe an hour but then I'm like Bambi on ice," she groaned, pausing and flexing each ankle in turn.

"Where we walkin' Tucker?" she asked after a few more minutes of semi-awkward silence and walking.

"I live just around here, thought I could call you a cab from my place, or your father to come pick you up?" he said, tapping in an access code to a tower of apartments on the left side of the street.

"Not my father. Can't be around him right now," she sighed as she followed him into the building and towards the elevator.

Jo's eyes were swimming too much to be able to make out which floor he had pressed before she was wrapped up in a warm hug, strong shoulder for her face to rest against and large hands splayed on her back.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jo, I know… how close you were to Commodore Kirk, I can't imagine what you're going through right now. Everything that happened that day is bad enough, but for you dealin' with a personal loss too and not just the magnitude of the situation… I'm sorry," he said softly, one hand now smoothing the back of her head as his deep voice reverberated through her chest. The faint, lulling vibration of the elevator could be felt in her feet and the next thing Joanna was aware of was a set of soft blue sheets and a dimly lit room.

It took her a few seconds to come to her senses and sit bolt upright, immediately regretting it as a sharp pain coursed through her head.

"Feeling any better?" came a voice from the corner of the room. She looked over to see Tucker sitting in a slightly worn old armchair, PADD resting on his knee and glasses on his face which he swiftly removed and set aside. He'd changed into a pair of comfortable plaid pyjama pants and a plain white tee that showed he maybe wasn't quite as weak and weedy as his ill-fitting Starfleet reds had made him appear.

"Yeah… I… uh… what happened?" Joanna asked, clearing her throat as her voice came out far deeper than she intended.

"You passed out on me in the elevator. Got a little upset and then I think your drink got the better of you. I carried you inside, set you down here, and gave you a hypo for it to sober you up, hope you don't mind, but I didn't want you dyin' on me or anythin' like that," he said with a small smile.

"Dying? I only had too much to drink, not gonna die," she asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Y'know. Choking on your vomit while you slept," he said, scratching the back of his head.

"Well, very considerate of you, thanks," she said quietly, curling into a ball on her side and pulling the soft quilt up around her neck, closing her eyes.

She drifted into a state of near sleep until she was roused by her shoulder being gently shaken.

"Hey Joanna? Would you mind just drinkin' some water before you go to sleep? I don't want you getting dehydrated," he said and she blinked blearily, accepting the glass of water and attempting to drink, but miscalculating the distance to her mouth and slopping quite a lot of it down her chin and onto the bedcovers, leaving a large wet spot.

"Shit, I'm sorry, I'm still kind of a mess," she sighed, pushing her hair out of her face and taking a deep breath.

"No, it's fine. You can make it up to me though," he said with a small smile and she looked at him curiously.

"Oh? How?" she asked and he sat down on the bed beside her.

"Tell me, what were you doing in that bar? All dressed up like you are?" he asked seriously and she felt her eyes fill with tears, quickly looking away from his piercing hazel stare.

"I was… uh… just out. Wanted to have a few drinks, was going to meet a friend a bit later and-"

"Bullshit," he said, leaning forward, forearms resting on his knees as he looked out over the small bedroom.

"You were looking for a man friend for the night, wanted to take your mind off things. Am I right?" he asked and she closed her eyes tightly.

"It's none of your-"

"No. You're right. It's none of my business. However, when we worked together up on the ship? I mean… I'd seen you around campus a little too, but working with you just confirmed it. You deserve better than just getting fucked by some guy who picks you up drunk and lonely and upset in a bar, Joanna McCoy, and excuse my language," he said, glancing back at her as she gave a very small smile.

She sat up and peeled herself out from under the blankets, noticing her shoes had been carefully removed and pulling down her dress a little more to cover some more of her exposed legs, ending up sitting beside him on the edge of the bed.

"I… I was out of line, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have expressed… my opinion like that. If you wanna go fuck all of San Francisco, then that'd be your right, ma'am," he said bashfully, looking away from her pointedly until she found herself placing her hand on his face, turning it so he looked back at her.

"I don't. I didn't want to… god. I don't know what I was doing. I'm so lost right now," she said, biting the inside of her cheek a little as she felt tears well up in her eyes again that she forced back down. The hypo had cleared the majority of feeling drunk, but she felt far from sober and not entirely in control of her emotions.

"My… Uncle Jim. You're right. He was very special to me. We were really close, from when I first met him when I was about five. I guess I just wanted to get out and stop thinking about him… after we got back and I eventually went home to my apartment and the first thing I saw was… was a stupid picture of me and him and my dad at my twenty-first birthday party… I just broke down, couldn't go back there. He helped me paint my living room too and it was all I could-" Joanna stopped talking and inhaled sharply, fighting back a sob before continuing.

"So… I went home to my Dad and his wife's place… but that's been so tough. My brother's… friend, Jim's son, got hurt really, really bad… his twin and his sister are staying at my house, and between his injuries and Jim himself it's all anyone can think about and nobody talks about it but it's…" Joanna stopped talking as she allowed her tears to fall freely.

Tucker made a sympathetic sound and took her hand carefully in his.

"It sounds like a really tough situation that would make even the strongest of people go out looking for a drink and a distraction," he said, giving her hand a small squeeze.

She sniffled and nodded and he leant closer to brush a stray strand of hair that had fallen across her eyes aside.

"Don't end up doing anything you might come to regret, Kirk wouldn't have wanted that for you, your family wouldn't want that for you, and… well… I don't really know you all that well, but I wouldn't want that for you, okay?" he said and she nodded slightly, all of a sudden very aware of the fact his hand was still lingering on the side of her face.

His fingertips lightly caressed her cheekbone, making her shiver and she allowed her eyes to close, naturally gravitating towards the man who'd been kind enough to save her from herself that night.

Their lips lightly brushed together and he seemed to tense, but didn't push her away until she went back for more, much more insistently, and even then he did so very gently and with a kind smile on his face.

"I… I'd feel I was takin' advantage if I were to let anythin' like that happen," he said sincerely and she shook her head.

"No. You wouldn't be, you really wouldn't be," she tried but he held his ground.

"We should get some sleep. Would you like me to call you a cab? Or… I guess I have a second set of pyjamas," he offered and she looked at him for a moment.

"Can I borrow your toothbrush?"

He cracked a smile, a genuine one.

"Absolutely not, that's disgusting! But I think I have a spare somewhere," he said light-heartedly, getting up from the edge of the bed and rummaging in a drawer until he produced a set of sleepwear for Joanna and then leaving to go into an adjoining room, presumably the bathroom, and returning with a brand new toothbrush still in its packaging.

"Blue is my favourite colour," Joanna commented absentmindedly as she looked at the toothbrush.

"It's almost like I knew you were gonna come over," he said playfully and she gave him a weak smile, getting up from the bed and going into the bathroom to change and brush her teeth. She did the best she could to clean off all her makeup too, before walking awkwardly back out into the bedroom to find Tucker sitting on the edge of the bed facing her, pillow in hand.

"I'll be right out in the living room if you need anything," he said, getting to his feet and picking up one pillow from the bed.

"You're… going to sleep on the couch?" she asked and he nodded.

"Yes ma'am. You don't know me, I don't know you, and it wouldn't be proper for me to not give you the bed and take the couch myself," he said and she visibly deflated.

"I… this sounds stupid, but I don't want to be alone. Out tonight? OK sure I probably would have slept with some guy, but that wasn't what I was lookin' for. I wanted the… the afterwards, the closeness, the not feeling like I'm somehow dead but still walking around. I just don't want to be alone tonight," she repeated and he looked at her closely before sighing.

"My cuddling is awful out of practice," he said, scratching the back of his head again in the nervous way that he did.

"So is mine. Honestly, I'll be asleep in five minutes, I'll be no trouble, I promise," she said and he gave a short nod before gesturing to the bed where she immediately climbed back under the covers. Tucker joined her, and five minutes turned into chatting, which turned into talking in more depth, which turned into Tucker getting up and opening a bottle of red wine that he had sitting in his kitchen. The wine vanished, as did the space between them, and eventually their clothing as they fell into one another, both having revealed so much in their earlier conversations, their fears, their vulnerabilities, and how they felt after what had happened out on the Enterprise.

Utterly exhausted, they fell asleep as the faint glow of the sunrise lapped at the bedroom blinds, naked limbs entangled and brains blissfully offline until they would wake much later.


"You know what would be really nice right now?" Chris asked and David glanced round from where he was working at his desk.

"What?" he asked and Chris stretched slightly.

"A bath. Like… a hot bath, with water and bubbles and everything," Chris said hopefully.

David looked at him for a few moments. It was the afternoon. They'd spent most of the day lazing around doing not a whole lot. They'd cuddled and watched a movie but David hadn't really been paying attention. His entire focus had been on his left hand splayed low on Christopher's mended ribcage, feeling the steady beating of his heart and willing it not to stop.

"You want me to ask my Dad if you're allowed to?" he offered and Chris nodded, forcing himself up into a sitting position and leaning his back against the wall with a grimace. He was doing better with every passing day, getting stronger, but as time went on and his pain medication was being gradually reduced he seemed much more aware of what was happening and the fact that Jim was really gone.

"And ask him if he can take a look at my back? I have a sore spot and I'm wondering if it's a chunk of starship trying to find it's way out," he sighed and David nodded, getting up from his desk and leaving his PADD where it was, going downstairs to fetch his father.

"Hey Dad," he said as he approached the desk in the study. Leonard was sitting hunched over a set of scan results, poring through images and page upon page of writing.

He glanced around and quickly turned the two PADD's over so David couldn't see what was on them.

"Hey, kiddo, how are you?" he said tiredly and David shrugged.

"I'm ok. Haven't been sleeping still though… so we've spent all day just lazing around. How was work?" he asked and Leonard sighed.

"Tough. I wasn't ready to go back today, but, well, there are other people hurt and sick than just Chris and Leo, so I need to take care of some of them too," he said and David nodded with a small smile.

"Leo's all clear still valid?" he asked and Leonard gave a small smile of his own.

"Very much so, kids completely and totally cancer-free and healthy as a horse, eating like one too from what I understand of it," he said with a chuckle.

"Yeah… Emily said he ate like… four pizzas in a day? Pretty wild," David shrugged.

"I'll be booking him in for liposuction before we know it. So what can I help you with? You look all… like you got somethin' to be askin'," Leonard said, gesturing to the way David was now wringing his hands nervously.

"Well… Chris wants to take a bath, like in real water. He asked me to ask you if that's ok?" he asked tentatively.

Christopher was not only still in a large amount of physical pain every time his medication wore off, but his emotions were becoming more and more all over the place leading to frequent explosions of either anger or extreme sadness. David was doing his best to stay strong and not show his own emotions around him, just being a pillar of support and then taking his own sadness elsewhere.

"He'd need to be supervised, and the water needs to be not too hot. He also wouldn't be able to stay long… maybe ten minutes?" Leonard offered and David nodded gratefully.

"Thanks. I'll tell Leo and he can give him a hand," he said and Leonard turned back to his work.

"Really? Leo'll give him a hand huh?"

David felt his cheeks grow warm as he flushed pink at his fathers teasing comment.

"We aren't… not officially… god knows. I have no idea. I'll offer Leo, guess it's less awkward having someone physically identical to you help you bathe than… y'know, me," he finished lamely and Leonard laughed.

"But you guys had all the sex! How's that any different?" he asked and David felt his face burning with embarrassment.

"Dad!" he whined, storming out of the room and back upstairs to find Chris smirking at him, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Your Dad making you squirm?"

"Stay out of my thoughts," David said, putting his hands on his hips as he stood in the doorway.

"Shield them and I will," Chris said, poking out his tongue a little bit and making David take two steps closer to him.

"I'm warning you pointy, I don't care how crippled you are, if it's a fight you're after then I'll-"

David found himself stopping talking and stepping forwards again until he was lowering himself to sit beside Chris on the edge of the bed, leaning closer until their lips just brushed together. He held his breath and waited to see if Chris pulled away, and when he didn't he kissed with a little bit more insistence, a little bit more passion and care and affection.

"So, you going to help me take a bath or what?" Chris asked against David's lips and he paused for a moment before stuttering his answer.

"I uh… yeah… I mean, I could comm. Leo? I mean, I think he and Emily only went for coffee in that hipster place she likes a few blocks away. If you'd be more comfortable with him helping you then-"David was cut off by Christopher's slightly chapped lips reconnecting with his own once again.

"You'll do fine," he said with a tiny trace of a smile in his eyes.

David nodded and helped Chris stand up. He stood up almost straight, but not quite, his skin still too tight to allow him to fully stand upright without it hurting.

"Can I get another shot yet?" Chris asked with a wince and David glanced at the time.

"Thirty minutes, sorry," David said and Chris whined as David helped him down the hallway to the bathroom.

He persuaded Chris to perch on the edge of the tub whilst he filled it up, careful not to make the water too hot for his fragile skin.

"Uh… ok, want me to turn around while you get in?" David offered and Chris looked down at the floor for a moment, mumbling a response that David didn't hear.

"Hm?" David prompted him to repeat himself and Chris looked up.

"I can't take off my own shirt," Chris said and David felt himself blush slightly.

"Oh. Uh. Ok. Yeah, sure, I'll give you a hand… I mean, if you need me to," he stammered and Chris nodded, lifting the shirt as much as he could himself, waiting for David to do the rest which he did carefully, unable to tear his eyes away from the extensive scarring that had been concealed by the fabric. Chris was obviously uncomfortable baring everything like this, but did well to not show his discomfort too much.

"I'm thinking I'll probably get a badass tattoo or something. Cover it up," Chris said as he stood up shakily and shucked his sweatpants and boxers in one go with no warning, meaning David choked a little on his inhale as he was faced with a fully naked Christopher eagerly trying to bound into the bathtub.

"Slow down asshole. Here, just, there you go," David said as he offered his hand out. Chris took it as he stepped into the bath and slowly sat down before laying back very slowly, submerging his skin inch by inch until he ducked his face under water for a brief moment, emerging and pushing the water off his face with his free hand, reluctant to let go of David's with his other one.

"Good?" he asked and Chris nodded.

"So good," he agreed, leaning his head back and resting it so just his face was out of the water, closing his eyes. He kept his grip on David's hand, not letting him move, so David knelt down beside the tub, giving Chris' hand a small squeeze as he did so.

They fell silent, the only sound in the room their breathing and the sound of the bubbles in the bathwater slowly fizzing away to nothingness.

"So a tattoo huh? Of what?" David asked and Chris shifted a little, causing the water to ripple around him.

"I don't know yet," he said, screwing his face up slightly in concentration.

"Your face, on my butt," he said and David leant over, dipping one hand into the water and flicking some droplets at his bondmate indignantly.

Chris smirked and peeked his eyes open for a moment.

"Seriously? I don't know. I've got some ideas that I already had before this all happened… maybe I can use some of those. I want to get something for Jim too. Like maybe his birthdate or Starfleet ID number… something," Chris said with a sigh and David squeezed his hand.

They were both silent for a moment until Chris sniffled.

"I miss him a lot. And I miss Spock, because he died when Jim did. He'll never be the same person. I've as good as lost them both," he said shakily.

David leant closer, eyes locking in on Chris' dark orbs, so full of pain, of stress and hurt and worry and grief.

"Hey, no, you didn't. Spock is still alive and we're all going to help get him through this. It's not going to be easy, but we're going to help him and stay strong for him," David said firmly and Chris gave a tiny nod, tears brimming over in his eyes which David brushed away with his thumb.

"Shh, darlin', it'll be ok," David whispered, leaning so far into the tub now that he was in danger of getting his clothes wet as he tried to stay close to his bondmate.

"Leo's being weird," Chris sniffled and David nodded.

"It hasn't hit him yet, he's in denial," he said gently.

"And Seren is in shock. She's barely said a word to me," he said and David frowned a little.

"Don't take it personally, she's barely said a word to anyone. My dad fixed her an appointment with a councillor he became aware of. He's some half-Vulcan dude. Hoping he'll get through to her," David said, glancing at the time.

"Actually, that's where she is this afternoon, had an appointment for two o'clock," he said and Chris sat up a little, leaning his back against the tub and grimacing.

"I hurt everywhere," he muttered, closing his eyes.

"You're still healing."

"We both know it's always going to hurt, don't sugar coat it," he said dejectedly and David hesitated before nodding.

"Yeah. But we can find ways of helping you cope, manage it and mean you don't always have to be in pain," he said and Chris gave a weak smile.

"You really hurt me when you were being such an asshole before," he said, closing his eyes so he didn't look at David as he said it.

David glanced at the floor.

"I know," he whispered.

"I like the hologram though, it's really uh… really thoughtful," Chris said, causing David to glance back up to see a slight smile on his face.

"No problem," he said, returning the smile and squeezing Chris' hand reassuringly.

They fell silent for a few minutes until Chris took a deep breath.

"It's been weird living in this… I don't know… painkiller and sedative fog. Did I miss Jim's funeral?" he asked quietly and David shook his head.

"No, of course not. Spock is waiting for you to be well enough to go and I think for everything to set in properly in his own mind," David said and Chris stared up at the ceiling.

"I can't imagine it. That he's really gone. I keep expecting him to appear next to my bed when I wake up from one of my naps. Once I woke up and thought Leo was him, but then I was asleep again before I could make sense of it," he said sadly and David stroked his hand with his own fingertips.

He didn't have any words to comfort his bondmate as he lost control of his emotions again, but just sat with him and kept him company until the bathwater turned cold and he had to help him out and back to bed.

Once Chris had fallen asleep, David crept downstairs and into the lounge, finding Joanna curled on the couch looking worse for wear, Emily and Leo sitting on either side of her, all speaking in hushed voices.

"Hey Jo, what's the matter?" he asked as he approached and saw her tearstained face.

"Did something stupid," she said tensely, sipping from her glass of water.

Emily made a face at David that hinted strongly for him to drop it and not ask further questions, so he did as instructed and settled onto the other couch.

Spock and Seren arrived a short while later. Her eyes were puffy and her face tearstained but she at least greeted everyone as she entered the room.

By dinnertime Chris had woken up and ventured downstairs in search of more pain relief and Leonard had taken a close look at the point on his back that was causing him discomfort, but had dismissed it as simply a sensitive area and reassured Chris not to worry about it.

Dinner itself was a slightly awkward affair. Joanna was still quiet a tearful. Leo was being his normal self, which seemed the strangest of all. Emily, Seren and Chris were all quiet and David just watched everybody.

Spock made small amounts of conversation with Carol and Leonard and when the meal was over he glanced around the table, looking like he wanted to say something.

"Though I feel it is not necessary, I have submitted to Admiral Archer's request that Jim receive his Starfleet funeral. This will take place in two days time. It is unlikely I will attend as I do not see the purpose in burying an empty box," he said in a hollow voice.

Leonard opened his mouth to object and closed it again after a warning glance from his wife.

"He'd be disappointed in you," Chris said without looking up from where he was glaring it his own hands on the table in front of him.

Spock said nothing and rose to his feet, leaving the room silently.


"It's time," Carol says softly, voice drifting in from the hallway.

David steels himself and stands up, straightening his brand new dress uniform.

He'd never believed the first time he wore it would be an occasion such as this.

"Are you alright?" his mother asks him quietly and he nods, biting his bottom lip as the first of many tears to be spilled that day overcome him.

She stepped forward and wrapped her only son in a comforting embrace.

"You need to be strong for Chris," she said and David nods in agreement, sniffling.

"I know," he says with a heavy exhale.

"You can do this. We all need to be strong for him."

David stepped back and looked at his mother, dressed in her own dark grey dress uniform, eyes red from her own tears.

Emily appeared behind her, dressed all in black. It didn't suit her. She always wore bright colours, things that reflected her personality. To see her in black formalwear to attend a funeral just felt so wrong.

"Alright," David said firmly, clenching his fists momentarily and taking a deep, steadying breath.

"Let's get this over with."


Every step Leo took felt like the hardest of his life.

He kept his gaze firmly ahead, defiantly ahead, refusing to meet any of the sympathetic eyes trying to catch his, refusing to cave in to the emotional turmoil boiling inside him.

His shoulder was numb to the weight of the casket resting on it.

The empty casket.

Jim's body had not been recovered, if it was even out there at all was anyone's guess. The explosion as the enemy ship had been destroyed had left a debris field so large it was estimated it would take over a year to search it thoroughly.

They had nothing to even bury. No closure.

Missing, presumed dead; that was the official status given to his father.

They reached the front of the congregation and the casket was set down, Leo turning slowly, finally facing the scene he was so desperate to escape from.

The four other men who had bared the casket with him were showing the strain. Chekov's eyes were pink and puffy, Sulu was white as a sheet, Scotty looked as though he was about to burst into tears, and Leonard McCoy was powerless to stop the two clear rivers running down his face.

Behind them he could see Christopher, clinging to David and Seren for support as he struggled to stay on his feet. Leo could feel his agonising pain through their link but did nothing to block it, the rawness of it helping him feel even slightly alive in that moment.

The five pallbearers sauntered to their respective seats, Leo settling between his twin and sister as the congregation were invited to sit by the man at the front of the room.

Archer took a deep, weary breath.

"This is a day I hoped I wouldn't live to see," he said, voice amplified through the large room by the microphone affixed to the lectern he was stood behind.

"James Tiberius Kirk had a very long and happy life ahead of him, a life taken away by an enemy like nothing we have ever encountered before. He died protecting his family, his crew and ultimately his planet. He died a hero. He died my hero, because if there is one man who has ever lived who proved that one person could have it all, it was Jim," Archer paused and looked up.

The room was jammed full. People standing at the back, still filtering into the room, silent and respectful.

"Spock isn't here," Chris whispered to his siblings, voice cracking.

David reached down and took his hand.

"S'alright darlin', he just needs to grieve in his own way. We're all here," he whispered back, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze.

"He is here," Leo said softly, becoming aware of an even deeper hush emanating from the back of the room. Seren turned her head and sure enough there was her father, picking his way through the crowd and heading towards them. She shuffled, sharing her seat with Joanna to make room for Spock to sit beside Doctor McCoy who nodded silently to him in greeting. He was pale and gaunt looking, but held his head up high and maintained his dignified silence.

"I first met Jim almost twenty three years ago. Since that day I've watched him overcome challenges, I watched him accomplish things nobody before him had accomplished, to boldly go where no-one had gone before. I watched him grow up, grow into his Captaincy, take true responsibility for his crew. Jim's life has been like a movie played out before me. If I had to pick some of my favourite scenes I'd include watching him fall in love, seeing the first pictures of three beautiful children, and the day he got home from the five-year mission and I met those three for the first time. I'll never forget the look of pride on his face as he made the introductions."

A single tear rolled down Seren's cheek and she quickly wiped it away with the back of her hand.

A screen lit up behind Archer, a picture of Jim on it. He looked young and relaxed, gold captains shirt adorning his frame, small smile on his lips. He wasn't looking at the camera, but rather away from it, as though he had no idea the picture was being taken.

"I'm going to invite anyone who'd like to say a few words about our Jim to come on up and share."

A hushed silence filled the room and nobody moved immediately.

Leo took a deep breath and stood up, able to feel the eyes of everyone in the room turn onto him.

Bones caught his eye as he passed but said nothing.

Leo straightened his stiff, brand new Starfleet greys and walked confidently to the stage to stand beside Archer who gave his arm a reassuring squeeze as he stepped up, no real idea what he wanted to say.

"It's very difficult to try and sum up how any of us are feeling right now," he said shakily, initially surprised by just how loud his voice sounded in the room.

"Our lives have been anything but ordinary, and we were incredibly lucky to share them with someone so exceptional," Leo looked around, trying to see as many of the faces as he could.

"I know he wouldn't want people to be sad right now, and as difficult as that's going to be, I'm trying to stick to it. Focus on the positives."

Christopher forced himself to look up at his twin, standing tall and straight in front of everyone, shoulders back, eyes taking in as much as possible. Their eyes met and Chris did not look away.

"Everyone has their own favourite memories of Jim and I… I want everyone to take a minute to think of theirs," he said and the room fell, if possible, into an even deeper silence.

Chris and Leo kept their eyes on each other.

Not much longer and you can get back to bed. You're doing so well, Chris.

Chris blinked hard and grit his teeth. Being sat in the stiff chair was causing him a lot of pain, Leo could feel it, David could feel it, but he didn't have the mental strength to block it from them both.

"My personal favourite memory of Jim was when I was about six years old. We went to the beach, just me and him. It was warm and I can remember the feeling of the sun on my skin and the sand on my feet. He picked me up and told me that for as far as I could run there would be nothing I could bump into, nothing I could trip over, nobody around at all. So I did. I ran and ran all day and he was right there with me. I can remember him laughing, I can remember the feeling of his face when he smiled," Leo's voice cracked and he paused for a moment, regaining control of his emotions.

"I remember how much he loved all of us, like we loved him, and he's going to be missed every minute of every day until we meet again. But he'd want everyone here to continue with their lives, not to let him not being here make us stop or even pause. So everybody, when you think about him, be thankful for the times that were had and not the ones that will never be. Let's remember his life, his story, his journey, out into the stars and back home again, and in those of us who'll carry that forwards. James Tiberius Kirk, thank you, for everything. We'll do you proud, Dad," Leo finished and stepped back.

Emily wiped the tears streaming down her face with the back of her hand and glanced up the row of seats. There wasn't a single person who hadn't been reduced to tears by Leo's words.

He snuck back to his seat, eyes stubbornly refusing the let even a single tear fall.

"Leo that was beautiful," Carol sniffed and Bones nodded. He shrugged.

"First thing that popped into my head," he said distantly.

"Really, that was… really moving," Emily whispered to him as she took his hand. He didn't hold hers in return, but let his own hand stay completely relaxed.

"I couldn't just not say anything. I didn't get to say goodbye, that's as close as I'll ever come now," he said, voice cracking again but still he didn't cry.

Emily just nodded once and held his hand tightly.


After the service itself there was a large congregation of people still loitering around.

Emily broke away from the group, sneaking off to speak to Archer about something before reappearing with an acoustic guitar a few minutes later.

As people began to finally file out of the room she began to play, a soft melody, just allowing each note to ring before she opened her mouth and sang.

Well he laughs just like the rain,

Never know when it's going to fall.

If it will ever come again,

Or if it ever came at all.

I could spend my life,

Just staring at the sky.

He laughs just like the rain,

And I've never felt so dry.

I'm just like a train,

Never stop and never slow down.

Sing the same songs every day,

Just sing them in a different down.

I could spend my life,

Waiting for the train to come.

Well I'm just like a train,

No more track to run.

Leo vaguely recognised the song as being something he had heard Jim humming to himself. The melody was familiar though the words were new to him.

"It was the most recently played song on his list," she said after she'd returned to their seats and Leo nodded.

"It's a nice song," he said vaguely, staring blankly into space.

Emily asked twice if he was ok, and got no response either time.


It seemed only fitting that it began to rain as the four of them stood by the stone in the ground.

"I…" Spock began but Leo put a hand on his shoulder to silence him.

"I know. I… thought it just… fit," he said and Spock nodded once.

Leo allowed his eyes to trace over the words on the stone once more, the words he had chosen to remember his father by.

JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK.

To the stars and back again.

They left.

Spock insisted that they should return to their own house, and they were too drained to put up much of an argument.

They had been home only a few hours when Spock went upstairs and returned a few moments later clutching something in his hand.

"I feel the time is suitable for me to give you this," Spock said quietly, presenting a small black box to Seren who opened it and took a deep, shaky breath.

It was a data chip.

"It contains a message for the three of you," he said flatly.

Seren nodded once.

"Do you think we should watch it now?" Chris asked and Seren looked at her brothers carefully for a moment.

"Do… you guys feel okay to watch it now?" she asked. Leo nodded and Chris bit his lip and shrugged.

"Now is as good as ever, I guess," Chris said and she mumbled a quiet agreement before inserting the chip in the holo-player.

Spock excused himself from the room as a small, holographic Jim appeared before them.

The image was relatively recent. He was thin, and wearing his wedding ring, so was likely to have been recorded after Spock had returned from his mission. The dark circles under his eyes told Seren it may have been close to the time Leo's illness was diagnosed, where Jim barely slept for weeks on end.

Seren, Christopher, Leo. If you're watching this, the first thing I want to say is I'm sorry.

Leo visibly tensed as he watched his father speaking. He fought against the overwhelming tide of emotions surging within him.

I'm sorry that I no doubt died doing something idiotic. I guess I hope it was epic and worth it and memorable. Also, if it had anything to do with clambering into the warp-core of a starship, please give Scotty two hundred credits from my account because we have a little bet going. Jim's hologram chuckled slightly, looking down at something before looking back up and addressing each of them in turn.

Seren, I'm sorry that I won't get to walk you down the aisle on your wedding day, because that would have made me so proud. I know you're being cautious when it comes to finding a partner, but my advice to you is to put aside the logical side of your brain. If something feels right, go for it. Follow your heart. You're incredible and beautiful and you just have this strength and you… god, I don't know where you got that brain of yours from, because you make Spock and I look like idiots, but just never change. Keep saving people, but don't forget to save yourself once in a while, okay? I love you baby girl.

Seren sniffled and Leo took her hand comfortingly.

Chris. If Spock isn't around either, then I guess that makes you the man of the house now. Look out for your sister, though I know she can look after herself, keep an eye on her, and keep an eye on that little brother of yours too, he's a troublemaker. Chris let out a choked half-laugh, half-sob as holographic Jim smirked, blue eyes twinkling in the way they did when he was up to no good.

You're going to be a great man someday, Christopher. Right now you've got a lot of growing up to do, and I hope if you do ever see this message, by that point you've done a lot of that growing up already. I know you and I maybe aren't as close as I'd like… and if that hasn't changed if you ever see this, then I'm so sorry for that. If Spock was lucky enough to survive whatever killed me, then look after him. You two are more similar than I think either of you realise right now. Look after yourself, and remember to look after Leo too, he won't admit it but he does need you. Leo, you listen up.

Leo looked up at the hologram he'd been trying not to focus on and tried to ignore the shiver that ran down his spine as Jim's eyes stared right into his own.

You are the most stubborn, determined person I have ever met… I guess I never would have said this to you while I had to worry about the consequences, but I'll say it now since I don't. I was so scared of you when you were born. I thought to myself 'shit… Jim… you can barely handle a baby that can see, how are you going to deal with one with so many needs?' And you know what? You proved me so damn wrong, kiddo. Your determination and drive is just inspirational. Keep it up. Keep letting nothing ever stop you, nothing bring you down. I'm sure Bones and Seren will figure out some way of getting you your sight, and when that day comes I want you to go and enjoy it to the full. You're going to make a hell of an Engineer, and I swear to god if you aren't chief on a Starship by the time you're thirty I'll find a way to come back so I can promote you myself, got it? And once more for luck, you're effin' gorgeous, kid, and don't you forget it. Leo chuckled and Chris smiled weakly, wiping tears from his face with his hands.

I've done some pretty amazing things in my life, but the greatest thing I have ever experienced is you three. You've given me… Jim paused, contemplating for a moment.

Joy. You've made me the happiest, most proud parent that ever lived. Thank you for everything, thank you for… existing, for being… perfect. I can't even put into words how disappointed I am that I won't get to see you guys have your own children. I guess I'll try and give some advice though for when you do Jim sat back a little in his seat and looked thoughtful for a moment before grinning.

Right. Uh, this is real important. If you have boys, make sure you put the diaper over them while you change them, because otherwise they might be like Leo was and decide it's fun to piss all over people, thanks again for that Jim winked and Christopher and Seren chuckled, Leo smirking slightly. It was such a bittersweet moment, watching Jim speak to him, all the years of longing to see his face move as he spoke, to see his eyes looking at him, and now he could… though only a recording.

When you have your own children, and your baby grabs your finger for the first time… it's like nothing you'll ever feel at any other moment in your life. When you find that person that you want to make a family with, cherish them, and never let them go, never go to bed without resolving a fight and never let them feel unwanted. Spock and I are far from perfect, but we both know deep down that we'll be in the middle of a fight and I'll just start to laugh and we'll forget what we're even fighting about. If you find that, and you will, someday with someone, fight for it with everything you've got.

Thank you for giving me the best family I could ever have hoped for, thank you for making my dreams come true, for making me so proud. Look after each other, and look after Bones too, no doubt the poor guy will be all upset with me being all dead and everything. Boys, take him for a beer sometime, lift his spirits, okay? And I know he's not the easiest of people to get along with at times, but if Spock is still around please look after him for me? He loves you just as much as I do, he just has trouble expressing himself.

God… this is so hard… I want… the hologram paused as Jim fought back emotions, biting his lip before continuing. I want to say so much more than I have time to, I want to talk forever. I've made more holo's… they're in the safe, they tell you what to do with everything… money, the house… all of it. There are instructions for everything. Instructions for dealing with breakups and bad days at work and all kinds of 'dad' questions you might have wanted to ask me.

Jim paused again and ran a hand through his hair.

I'll let you three in on some secrets though. If I've died out in space, check the safe. I never wear my real rings if I'm going off planet, so my wedding band, Starfleet ring and Academy class ring should be in there. I want you to have one each. Fight amongst yourselves over who gets which he chuckled lightly.

"He was wearing them," Leo whispered as he realised with a pang of sadness that his father had been wearing at least two of the rings when he saw him last.

The last thing I want to say is be happy. Please don't be miserable that I'm gone, don't cry for me, don't you dare wear black to my funeral either. I know it'll take time, and you'll miss me, and believe me, I feel guilty as hell that I'm dead… but please don't spend too long grieving. Move on, get over me, find a new dad to be friends with… Scotty is pretty fun, and Bones isn't too bad either, latch onto one of them when you need human fatherly-company, and keep close with Spock, don't let him grieve either, get him back out there and marry him off to some hot young blonde with a great big rack Jim winked, wide smirk on his face and the three of them chuckled.

I love you more than words can sum up. Have incredible lives, live long and… well… prosper I guess Jim smiled.

I know the three of you are going to end up in space… It's in our blood. Just always remember, that for people like us, the journey itself is home. He paused, looking straight at the holo-recorder now so his eyes stared straight out at his three children.

Goodnight kids, I'll see you again someday, I promise. Meet you on the other side. Jim had definite tears in his eyes as the holo ended and he vanished.

Shaking with silent tears, Seren and Christopher each curled into their younger brother sat between them. He wrapped an arm around them each and held them as they cried for hours whilst he stared at the floor, completely numb, in total and utter disbelief at what was happening.


"I am to assume by the somewhat excessive usage of Kleenex that the hologram Jim left for you was something of an emotional experience?" Spock asked from the doorway.

Leo looked around and chuckled softly.

Seren was asleep with her head leaning on his shoulder and Chris was also passed out with his head on Leo's thigh. There were piles of crumpled tissues all around, scattered on the floor, balanced on the edge of the couch, clutched in sleeping hands.

"I guess you could say that," he mumbled.

Spock took a few steps into the room.

"It feels wrong to be in this house," he admitted, dark eyes scanning the room.

"Tell me about it," Leo said glumly, looking carefully at his father.

"Was he… taller or shorter than you?" he blurted out before he could stop himself.

Spock looked at him strangely.

"Sorry, I guess… I just… I never saw you guys stood together, and I… my visual references aren't that good still… and I… was thinking about it, earlier..." he trailed off.

Spock sat down on the arm of the couch, one hand smoothing Seren's long dark hair off her face gently.

"Jim was approximately zero point eight inches shorter than myself, though he would never admit it," Spock answered and Leo nodded.

"Right. And he was a little skinnier than you too, I know that much from what I saw of him," Leo said and Spock shook his head.

"He was not usually. His weight loss was most probably a result of recent stress caused by numerous factors, however he had begun to regain some weight. I estimate a further ten pounds would have sufficed. You could also stand to benefit from perhaps increasing your caloric intake at this time," Spock pointed out and Leo shifted a little.

"I'm not hungry, but when it comes back, I'll eat like a pig for a few days just for you."

"It would not be for my benefit but for yours," Spock said slowly as he glanced from Seren over to Christopher who was drooling a wet spot onto Leo's jeans in a deep sleep.

"He's pretty gross. Old Chris would have died of embarrassment if he knew he drooled in his sleep. I don't think new Chris will care so much though," Leo said, ruffling his twins hair fondly.

"I believe I agree with that assumption. How has he been?" Spock asked, he sounded clearly guilty and Leo frowned a little.

"He's been ok, up and down. Emotionally all over the place, physically better at least a bit, my super-blood is helping him out. Nice and convenient that that little ability showed up just in time to save me from a nasty case of dead. Means I was around for him when he needed me the most," Leo said quietly.

"It is most fortunate to have you both still alive and recovering. I am most fortunate," said Spock. He sounded like he didn't believe a word of what he had just said.

"I know you want to leave," Leo blurted out and Spock tensed, looking at him curiously.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I know. That you don't want to stay here. Whether that means earth in general, or just this city… or whatever. I know you want to run away. I know that's what you want to do when times get tough, it's your natural response," Leo said flatly.

Spock was silent for a few long moments.

"I am not sure I am able to see your point," he said finally, dark eyes meeting Leo's nearly identical ones.

"Don't. Don't leave us. Because we're all staying. Chris has David, and I have Emily, and Seren needs to put herself back together in familiar surroundings with her friends and family to support her, so please stay and be a part of that, please stay a part of our lives," Leo said quietly. His tone didn't sound like begging, more just a calm request from one adult to another, and almost as casual as a simple 'could you please hand me the juice?' at the breakfast table.

"Leo. I will always be a part of your life, do not forget this," Spock said quietly, sounding somewhat hurt at his sons implying that he might abandon the three of them and leave the planet.

"I won't… just… we're all going through this, we need to support each other, and especially keep strong for Chris right now," Leo said, looking down at his brother.

"He has been hit especially hard, though I believe you are suffering from a delayed reaction to the events of recent weeks," Spock said, eyeing Leo carefully.

"You think I'm all of a sudden going to crack when I realise it's all real? That I lost Jim and that I almost lost Chris?"

Spock gave a small nod and Leo glanced at the floor.

"Possibly. But more importantly, how do you feel?" Leo asked, smoothly deflecting and changing the focus of the conversation.

"My feelings are no more important than yours or anyone else's for that matter. I feel… I feel anger, for the waste of Jim's life. I feel sadness, that I did not get to tell him how much he truly meant to me, not even one last time, but most of all I feel regret, that I was unable to save him. I will carry this regret for the remainder of my life," Spock said. His voice sounded forced, strained like he was holding back tears.

Leo was silent for a moment before he pulled the data chip from his pocket that he'd placed there earlier.

"Don't carry regret, carry this," he said, pressing it into his fathers hand.

"Jim and I agreed with one another we would not leave messages for one another in case of death. We did not want to cause upset," Spock said, looking at the data chip as if Leo had just placed a large poisonous spider in his hand.

"Well, I know where your one is for him, so, you both broke the rules there," Leo said with a small smile.

He thought he almost saw the tiniest flicker of a smile in Spock's eyes, but it was gone before he could be sure.

"Indeed we did."

They were both silent for a long few minutes until Spock stood up. He didn't say anything but lightly touched Leo's shoulder as he walked past him to leave the room, no doubt going upstairs to watch the forbidden recording Jim had left him when he swore that he wouldn't.

Spock settled on the edge of the bed, inserting the data chip into a PADD and taking a few moments to emotionally prepare himself.

"Hey Spock," Jim said softly, blue eyes glinting in the warm glow of the sunlight streaming in through the window on the recording.

Spock pressed the button to pause the recording, staring at Jim's frozen face for a long few seconds before turning the PADD over, deciding that today, he was not strong enough to do this.


A/N

So, thank you for reading! You're probably wondering why I haven't had any Jim in this chapter, or much about Spock's feelings... it's all coming, don't you worry ;)

As I've said before, I absolutely will not ever give up on this story, just might take me a little longer to update at times. Thanks for your patience and sticking with me! xD

Oh, and for anyone wondering, the song Emily sings at the end of Jim's funeral is called "Staring at the Sky" and it's by a dude named Passenger. This may not make any sense to you, but hearing it sung changes the meaning of it to me into a way that it just fits in that scene. Listen to it if you get the chance, it's rather beautiful.