The woman sighed and slumped down in a chair hurriedly conjured by Dumbledore. "Oh dear . . . my sweet, sweet children" she started. Snape frowned at this form of address. Amaryllis didn't notice. "The only way to reverse the effect of the potion is to drink the same potion again. I am truly sorry about this but since there is no potion left, I am not too sure what I can do".

"And . . ." she hesitated "I dare say I have more bad news. The potion is said to have a reversal deadline. After six months the cure will no longer work, and the effects will be permanent.

Chapter 4:

Permanent.

There was a pressing silence.

"There might be a chance still. I will do everything in my power to copy the potion. I truly want to help you" She gave us an apologetic look. All of us could sense the unspoken 'but I don't think it'll work'.

I hardly registered what she said. Snape suddenly stood and left the room without a word.

"Oh dear" said Amaryllis miserably.

"Do not worry, Amaryllis, Severus will calm down soon enough" Albus soothed, but his words sounded hollow. There was a loud buzzing noise in my ears. The cogwheels in my brain seemed to turn too slowly. It couldn't fathom what I'd heard. Had I really heard anything? Maybe this was all some strange dream, and I would wake up in my own bed in a few minutes.

Amaryllis said something. I heard the words "blood" and "trace magic" before I saw a blur of colour to my left. I felt a little sting in the crook of my left arm. Apparently, she was drawing blood from me, but I hardly registered. She gave no notice of the dark mark on my arm.

"Oh dear, oh dear" said Amaryllis again "what a curious situation." She patted me on the head as if I was a dog and went back to Dumbledores desk. She muttered something to him under her breath, and Dumbledore nodded before he went out the door. He had possibly gone to fetch Snape. After a few minutes I managed to shake myself out of my stupor. Amaryllis scrutinized me again. "I will tell you again that all hope is not gone yet. Now that I have a blood sample from you, I can extract the traces of the potion from your blood and work from there. It will take longer than if I had the actual potion, but it is certainly not impossible" she said, apparently trying to soothe me. "I know one should not brag about one self, but I am quite skilled in potions making. Besides, there are some more information you both need to hear about the effects before I go. It might be helpful."

When Dumbledore entered his office with Snape in tow, Amaryllis ushered them both into their seats. Snape wore his usual scowl, but his eyes where suspiciously red rimmed. "I need some blood samples from you my dear" Amaryllis told Snape while she pulled up his sleeve and conjured some needle-gear with her wand. "I cannot say how much of the legend is true, however, there is a saying told many times throughout the years. It goes like this; 'Find liquid sunshine and you'll find revelations thine'."

Everyone went quiet. What on earth did that mean? Liquid sunshine? Was that another potion?

Amaryllis continued "I cannot say for sure what it means, but I am sure we will find out when the time comes." She scrutinized us one last time before she rose from her position by Snape. "Well Albus, I must be going. I have quite some important work to do, I am sure you can take care of the two of them on your own. If you see any signs of fainting or other symptoms, contact me immediately." Then she flooed away.

Albus turned to us with an apologetic look. "She is quite an eccentric woman, but she knows what she is doing. Come, let us go back to Grimmauld place. I will make you both some coffee and some breakfast. I am sure you need it."

Without a word, I followed him through the fireplace and sat down by the table in the Grimmauld place kitchen. I was still in a daze. Snape sat down across from me and stared at his fists on the table for a minute before he said, "So what do we do now?" I noticed his voice was shaking a tiny bit.

"I suggest for the time being we wait for further news from Amaryllis." Said Dumbledore while he waved his wand at the pantry. Out flew the coffeepot, a frying pan, some bread, eggs, and other cutlery. They all started making breakfast by themselves. "Your situation is highly complicated, and for your own safety I suggest we do not make it public. As you well know, Severus is a spy for the order, and he reports for me from the inner ranks of lord Voldemort. I cannot say how sorry I am to lose this recourse Severus, your information to the order has been highly valuable."

"I can still perform the role as spy Headmaster" said Snape. "Miss Tonks is a metamorphmagus, it would not be difficult to still–"

"I will not allow that" said Dumbledore firmly. "Even if you could change your appearance enough to fool Voldemort you are still a woman. I do not suppose I am wrong when I say there are certain limits of metamorphmagic that prevent a change of gender? You would soon enough find limits to your deception, and get yourself killed. Not to mention, you do not have the dark mark anymore. It would be too suspicious if you took the mark again. Besides, I will not let you do that to Miss Tonks, or to yourself."

"And what about Miss Tonks? Do you expect her to go instead of me to The Dark Lord? This is hardly a fate I would want for anyone. And Miss Tonks in no occlumens, she would be exposed and then mist likely killed. Do you wish that for her Headmaster?"

"I cannot send any of you my dear, I cannot let you expose yourselves to such danger" despite Dumbledores caring look. Snape still looked furious for some reason, but before he could answer I cut in; "Do we tell the order?"

"No" Snape answered immediately.

"Why not? Don't they have a right to know?"

"I do not want anyone to know."

"But why not, Snape?"

"That is none of your business woman."

"None of my business" I snorted "This has everything to do with me! This is not only about you Snape. Believe it or not but I am also a victim here! I am not in on the joke remember!" Snapes nostrils flared, and he seemed to build up for a new attack.

"Oh, I know, this is not about the order. You just don't want Sirius Black to find out, am I right?" I noticed Snapes tiny flinch when I mentioned the names. He glared hatefully at me. "You insolent little-" However, before he could say anything more Dumbledore stopped him.

"That's enough. Severus, you will spare your insults to someone who deserves them. You know that Miss Tonks is as much a victim as you are." He turned to me with a sad expression "However, I think I have to agree with Severus on this matter and ask you both to keep this a secret for now. Even for the Order."

I hardly ever got angry with anybody but at that moment I felt a wave of cold fury well up inside me directed at the two idiots in front of me. I rose so fast my chair flew into the wall behind me. Snape gave me an insufferable smug sneer and I wanted nothing more than to punch him.

"Is there a particular reason why not Albus?" I said. My voice shook, and I clenched my fists.

"Amaryllis asked me to keep this secret-"

"The entire order is secret Albus! Don't you think they ought to know? I am sure they can keep another small secret. This could have huge consequences for our missions. Snape has never worked side by side with Mad-eye before. If you send him out in the field, it could endanger the entire team because he doesn't know Mad-eyes way of working. And I can't go because I am bloody Severus Snape, Mad-eye doesn't trust –"

"That is why we must keep you both away from missions for the time being. I think you should both stay here and –"

"Out of missions?! Albus, I joined the order to help. How can I be of use if you stick us to Grimmaulds Place for the rest of the summer, maybe even for the rest of the year?!"

'Maybe even for the rest of our lives' my mind supplied but I refused to think further in that direction.

Snape looked like he agreed. "I also want to know that Headmaster. What would you have us do if you trap us here? Even if I cannot spy for you anymore you know I am a fully capable potions brewer. I could help this Amaryllis with her work."

Albus sighed, he looked tired. "I hardly know what to do about this situation. However, I am not changing my decision. You will not give this away to the rest of the order. Do you have any idea what would happen if Mundungus Fletcher got this information? He will already be in trouble with the buyer - whoever it is - when they find out he could not deliver. What would happen then if the buyer found out about your situation and tried to find you? We do not know who this buyer is. For all we know, it could be another death eater. Also, I want you both to stay here in case there is a lingering effect of the potion that we do not know about. If one of you fainted during a mission" he looked at me "or in the middle of brewing an experimental potion" he moved his eyes to Snape "that could have fatal consequences."

I had to admit he had a point. I didn't have to like it though. "Fine!" I said, "I will stay out of missions, and I won't tell anyone in the order, but I will tell my parents whether you like it or not." I glared at him in a challenge to contradict me.

The headmaster sighed again. "I suppose that is alright."

"And you!" I turned angrily to Snape "I know how you behave around other people, and I will not allow you to do the same in my body. I am not rude to people! I do not run around goading others to attack me! I know how to behave around others, and I will not let you walk around ruining my friendships just because you feel like it. One cross word from you to anyone in the order, especially to Sirius Black, and I will make sure you regret it! Is that clear!?"

Snape glared at me defiantly and opened his mouth for a reply, but right at that moment we heard someone coming down the stairs. I felt a sudden wave of panic. I wasn't ready to pretend to be like Snape yet. I wasn't even sure how Snape acted anymore. Cold and snarky I suppose. I looked at Albus in plead. All he could do was give me a short nod before the door opened.

In came the last person in the world I wanted to see in this situation, Remus Lupin.

I felt my face grow hot and my heart thundered in my ears. How could I ever act like Snape around Remus when I had such a major crush on him?

Remus looked like he always did; skinny and tired with a few more grey hairs than normal for a guy his age (he was only thirty-five, right?). However, he looked fresh as if he had just had a shower. He stopped in the door when he noticed us standing by the table. "Good morning" he said curiously.

"Good morning" I answered automatically.

I glanced at Snape who still glared at me before he turned to glare hatefully at Remus instead. Even though his glare didn't look half as menacing on my face as it did on his own, it didn't go unnoticed by Remus. He rose a questioning eyebrow at Snape before he asked, "Is there something wrong?" I glared angrily back at Snape. If he expected me to act like nothing, then he was certainly going to do the same whether he liked it or not.

I opened my mouth to tell him so, but Albus hurriedly said; "Ah . . . Remus, would you be so kind as to give us another minute? I have something I must discuss with Severus and Miss Tonks here before breakfast." Remus hesitated for half a second before he nodded. "Certainly, Albus." He turned and left.

This time it was Albuses turn to glare warningly at us, more so at Snape who was fuming.

"Behave!" he said, sterner than I had ever heard him. "I warn you, do not fight, do not draw attention to yourselves and please do not leave the house until I get back. Is that understood?"

"Fine! Will that be all then, Headmaster?" Spat Snape viciously.

Albus studied Snape with a sad expression for a moment before he nodded to me and left.

I felt just as angry as Snape at the moment. The fact that Albus would treat us like a pair of kids who had done something naughty instead of letting us help figure out the cure for our own future . . . it infuriated me. My thoughts where busy making up increasingly vicious curse words to describe both Albus and Snape, when Snape interrupted me.

"You like him."

This caught me off guard "Who?"

"Lupin of course, you like the werewolf!"

I felt my face heat up again. This was not something I wanted to share with Severus bloody Snape. "No, we're just friends in the order."

"You are such a liar!" exclaimed Snape with a mocking sneer, "His presence made you blush like a schoolgirl. How are you supposed to play your role accurately when you turn red as a tomato every time Lupin enters the room?"

"It's not like I'm gonna run around snogging him in your body, is it?"

He shuddered slightly at the thought "You better not."

"Well, there you go. So, I don't see why it matters."

"It matters because I want to warn you not to trust him. He is not a good guy. And besides, you ought not to be all . . . infatuated with him while you look like me."

"I'm not 'Infatuated' with him!" I exclaimed indignantly "And why don't you like him anyways? Is it because he is a werewolf? I already know that. He told me himself."

"I have good reasons not to like him!"

"Listen, I don't know what happened between you two, but you should know that he is not exactly boasting about it. In fact, he is quite embarrassed about his behaviour in school. He told me that as well. You should give him a chance to explain himself and apologise."

Snape snorted humourlessly "You have no idea, girl. Being embarrassed doesn't make things all right."

"It seems to me like you keep your hate towards him just to have someone to hate. You shouldn't cling to hatred like that for the rest of your life, it's unhealthy. You should let go."

Snape slammed his hands in the table "Stupid girl! You think you have the right to meddle in my affairs simply because you look like me? I merely try to give you good advice and here you think you have the right to comment on how I should live my life?"

I fell quiet. I guess I didn't have the right to comment on how he should live his life. I was about to tell him that, but then he had to go on and say, "I had expected more of you, I thought you were a smart girl, but I was mistaken. I can't believe you would fall for that thing."

That made me snap. "That thing!? How dare you call Remus 'that thing'! He didn't choose to become a werewolf! He does everything in his power to stop himself from hurting anyone, and yet here you are hurting people every day, even children, because you feel like it. I don't think you have the right to judge Remus Lupin at all!"

This time he snarled at me again "Commenting on my life again? Do you have more great advice for me on how to become a good man!?"

"Plenty!" I yelled before I broke his gaze, breathing heavily. Wow, this conversation was not going well. Had I just told him straight out that I though he was an evil bastard? That was certainly not my intention. I didn't want to make him my enemy on purpose. Especially not now when we were supposed to stay at Grimmauld place together.

"I'm sure it will be a pleasure to hear all your wonderful suggestions, miss Tonks" he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm "but alas, if we only had so much time before we die of old age."

I breathed out and gripped the back of a chair. Perhaps to support myself. Merlin, I was so confused.

He gave another sneer and spread his arms "Well, I warned you. Do not blame me when you turn out to be disappointed. I hope for your sake this is merely a passing crush. You will be better off without him."

I had a hard time trying not to hit him in his pretty face. What the hell was the matter with him? I had to repeat to myself; 'Do not hit him Tonks, he is a woman now. Men don't hit women, Tonks, men don't hit women no matter how much you want to.'

"Whether or not my feelings are just a passing crush, I don't see why that is any of your business" I managed to bark out, it got louder and louder for every word. "I don't see why this gives you the right to judge my feelings for him. Just because you didn't like him at school, Snape, doesn't mean that nobody could possibly have feelings for him. And just because you haven't loved anyone before doesn't mean you have the right to judge my feelings as 'just a passing crush'!"

Snape slammed his hands in the table again "Don't you dare imply that I have never felt love before! You know nothing you selfish little girl! You think yourself the centre of the world do you!? Is it because you cannot even imagine that anyone could fall for someone like me!? COULD IT NOT EVEN OCCUR TO YOU THAT SOMEONE AS UGLY AND ODIOUS AS ME COULD BE FULLY AWARE OF WHAT LOVE IS!?" he seemed to have worked himself into a wild frenzy. His face was contorted into a grimace of rage, and spit came flying out of his mouth while he roared.

"Your appearance has nothing to do with this argument Snape!" Where did that come from? And did he just imply that he had felt love before? "Since you are constantly acting like a disgusting arsehole, there is no wonder I would assume you have never felt love before!"

Without notice, Snape threw a chair across the room with surprising strength coming from my body. I automatically stepped away and pulled my wand, but he didn't do anything else. He stared into the fireplace in outrage, his jaws clenched. That was when I'd had enough, and I left the room.

I ran up the stairs to the first floor and locked myself in the living-room. It took me exactly two seconds of breathing before I burst into tears. I usually don't cry and never in front of other people. But the preceding events had made me emotionally exhausted. Of all the people in the world this could have happened to it had to be me? And of all the people in the order it had to be Severus bloody Snape? Why!? The guy was so difficult! I didn't understand him, he was a walking fire hazard! He could explode any second and to make matters worse he could use my body for anything he wanted (he probably wouldn't, but who knew, I didn't really know if I trusted him yet). He didn't even have to do anything, but just the fact that he could . . . it terrified me. What if he decided to scare off Remus by being nasty to him (to be fair, if he did do that, I'd strangle him, and I would make sure he knew that).

I guess it could have been worse, I could have switched with Mundungus Fletcher for example . . . or Remus. I shuddered at the thought, that would have been awkward. But that was about it. Snape was the third worst person in the order . . .

And then there was this thing about him having loved someone. Had he really said that? I guess it was wrong of me to assume that he was incapable of love, but I never suggested he was unlovable. Even though that was what he heard me say.

Who had he been in love with? Was it any of my business? Probably not, but maybe she (or he for that matter, what did I know) was the reason why Snape was so unpleasant? Maybe he had lost someone once? I rolled up my sleeve and snuck a glance at the ugly dark mark on my forearm. Maybe the reason why Snape had taken this mark was because he had lost her, while he had been in a bad place. Or even, maybe the reason he came back to our side was because of her? Who knew?

And then there was this other thing about him believing I thought he was ugly. Where did that come from? Had he ever cared about his appearance? Did I really think he was ugly? I ran outside again and into the bathroom. There in the mirror was Severus Snape's face staring back at me. I had stopped crying ages ago (I am easily distracted), and I looked more curious than anything. To be honest he wasn't that bad looking really. Of course, his nose, his teeth and his sickly pale skin were not appealing, but his cheekbones had a nice shape and his eyes where deep with a beautiful dark brown colour, almost black. They were framed with long eyelashes that made his eyes look even deeper. Yes, his eyes where pretty. Shame he was too busy terrorizing children to notice. The rest of his body was too skinny and very bony. He clearly didn't take good enough care of himself. And his hair . . . well, not my kind of taste.

There was an undefined moment where I decided not to take this situation like it was the end of the world. I was optimistic of nature. It could have been worse after all. I could have switched with someone who was dying, or evil, or both. I could have been kidnapped by death eaters and tortured for the rest of my life. I was alive and well, Snape was not more than twelve years older than me or something, so I would not lose that many years of my life. Everything could generally have been a lot worse. So, I decided to take things as they came. What was the point of wasting my time on regretting things or letting things like this ruin my life? No, I could handle this. And the best way to do that was to get to know Snape better and figure out how to deal with him. I told myself to remember that deep deep deep down, Snape was a good guy. Why else would Dumbledore trust him? He was on our side of the war. If Dumbledore trusted him then I could make an effort to trust him too.

I felt kind of bad for accusing Snape of being an emotionless bastard, so I decided to go and apologise to him. You see, I'm a good person. I will apologise even though the other guy would never do the same. I wasn't even sure he deserved it. See what I'm dealing with here? But I went down the stairs to look for him. He would probably not be in the kitchen. I figured Remus had already gone down there to make himself some tea, so Snape would most likely be hiding in the downstairs parlour, the dining room, or in one of the vacant upstairs bedrooms. I found him hiding in the dining room. He had locked the door with a few intricate wards, but I managed to take them down eventually. He sat at the end of the gigantic, gilded dining table with a glass of something that looked suspiciously like whiskey.

"What do you want?" he said harshly.

"I came to apologise for calling you an emotionless bastard, and for accusing you of not being able to feel love." I said boldly while I sat down across from him. The table was designed like those at Hogwarts, to be the exact same size as the one in the kitchen downstairs. I assumed this table used to have a sort of link between the one downstairs as well once. But it was long gone.

Snape scrutinized me for a second. "Do you really believe apologising will make up for it when you have no regret for what you said?"

I threw my hands up in exasperation. Did he have a compulsion to fight with people even though they tried to be nice to him? Maybe he liked it. For all I knew, it turned him on.

'Merlin Tonks, don't think like that'. "Do you really believe I would apologise for something I didn't regret?"

"Oh, I don't know, miss Tonks. You were quite good at it in school. As I recall, you and your friends were caught pranking my office and I clearly recall that you apologised only to avoid punishment from your head of house."

"That was more than ten years ago Snape! I was twelve! Believe it or not, I have actually grown up a bit since then. Besides it didn't work did it? I still got my punishment, and I don't recall pranking your office ever again, so I would kindly advise you to let it go."

"Fine" he said into his whiskey and went quiet. He looked exhausted when I studied him more closely. Had he been crying? Probably not, but he was a bit pale.

Snape suddenly broke the silence with a hesitant "We have to talk."

"We were just talking remember?" I said in a sarcastic tone. I wouldn't exactly call it talking, more like shit-throwing.

"Stop being impudent! we have to talk about some things that . . ." for some reason he didn't continue, and instead he turned beet red. I had never seen him act like that before.

"What?" I said in the same sarcastic tone.

When he still didn't say anything, I got confused and looked at him questioningly, but instead of answering he turned even redder. That was when it dawned upon me "Oh . . ."

Of course. I hadn't thought about that. None of us where prepared to share all the intimate facts about ourselves to someone else. And I was especially not prepared to share stuff like that with the person sitting across from me. Snape had always appeared to be a very private person. And to think that I had to sit here and tell him how to be a woman . . .

Maybe the reason why Snape had been so snappish for the last few hours was because he had to use the facilities, but didn't dare go without my permission? Suddenly I got a weird compulsion to laugh. It came out as a nervous extremely non-snapeish giggle before I realized it might be a bad idea to laugh in Snapes presence.

Too late . . .

He leapt out of his chair and glared furiously at me. "You think this is funny!?"

"Oh no, I wasn't laughing at you, I promise." I stood as well, went around the table, and put a hand on his arm "Please sit down again. I promise I wasn't laughing at you."

He yanked his arm away from me. "Oh, come on, I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at the entire situation. Don't you agree that it is absurd?" I could not for the life of me keep my expression serious "Of course I think this is funny, don't you think so too?"

Snape was not amused.

I couldn't help it, I just had to give him a hug. No matter how unpleasant he was and even though he was scowling and had his arms crossed, at that moment he just looked like a little hurt child. Maybe I was finally seeing through his mask of hostility? I wrapped both arms around him and hugged him gently.

He did not hug me back, (as if I had ever expected him to), but he stiffened noticeably when I touched him and then he pushed me away in annoyance "Don't touch me" he said.

"Why not?"

"Just- I do not like to be touched" he said. I couldn't avoid noticing the awkward streak in his eyes.

"Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I won't do it again if you don't want me to." I said and felt like an idiot. Had I just given Severus Snape a hug? What had I thought to achieve by that? To make him my best friend? To cover my own awkwardness, I gestured to the table again "Come on, I'll tell you everything you need to know."

I led him back to his chair and started talking. Snape didn't say a single word through my entire explanation of things he needed to know. Not even a snide comment. Thank merlin, that was a pleasant change.

I had always been a very open person. I had talked about boys and about sex with my friends and my parents before, but . . . never in such detail. However, I told myself not to be too embarrassed about anything. What did it really signify anyways? Every woman knew this about themselves and about other women, so why should I not tell the important details to someone who didn't know? Unfortunately, I was a bit too thorough with my explanation in Snapes opinion. He was extremely uncomfortable by the time I finished.

But however uncomfortable he had looked while I was talking, it was nothing to how he looked when it was his turn. He seemed to have a hard time not to squirm in his seat and he turned beet red again. It might have been amusing to let him continue (he was actually stuttering), but the problem with Snape was that his embarrassment would make him angry - again, and I wanted to avoid that.

"You don't have to continue if you don't want to." I said while I lay a hand on his wrist. "I suppose I have some knowledge about how men work. I have a bunch of friends who are painfully open sometimes, and I'm not a virgin. I have seen a naked man before." I wasn't sure if Snape looked relieved or even more uncomfortable.

"Details like this right? If it rises, think of something unpleasant, right?"

"Like me?"

Why on earth would I do that? Merlin, why did this guy have to be so confusing? I really did roll my eyes this time and gave a long and exasperated sigh. "No, you twat! I'll think of that head secretary, Dolores Umbridge. She is vile. Or I'll think of Mad-eyes eye in a glass, which is equally repulsive." I shuddered for some dramatic effect and stole a glance at Snape. He didn't smile but at least he had stopped scowling.

"So, you know, I give you permission to take a shower and use the facilities and stuff." Snape nodded slowly "You have my permission as well."

"Thank you."

Snape hesitated for another second before he shot up from his chair "I'll talk to you later."

I couldn't help but smile "Remember to sit down, mate!"

The last thing I heard before he closed the door was an embarrassed growl.