Chapter 6:

When I woke up I felt sweaty and sticky, all my muscles where aching and I had a pounding headache. I hadn't bothered to draw the curtains together last night and a painfully bright beam of sunlight hit my face. I was tempted to stay in bed for the rest of the day but when I peeked at my wristwatch I felt a sudden wave of panic. That wasn't my wristwatch! It wasn't even my wrist!

No, no of course it wasn't my wrist. I shut my eyes against the bright sunlight and groaned. Of course, it wasn't my wrist, my wrist was in the room next door.

That was a morbid thought.

I looked at the watch again. 9:30 in the morning. Merlins beard, I had slept for twelve hours. Even though my stomach growled the second it knew it was breakfast-time I decided to take a shower first to get rid of the stickiness. My eyes where so blotched from sleep I could hardly see. I took another five minutes to breathe and to slow down my rapid heartbeat before I got up.

Ugh, there was that butt-ugly nightshirt again. I couldn't stand looking at it another second, so I took it off and tossed it back into the open suitcase with Snapes things on the floor.

However, that meant I had to get dressed before I left the room. I couldn't exactly go outside in my underwear. How exhausting. I stumbled over to the suitcase and found a towel and a toothbrush before I put on the same long black and boring robes from yesterday. Didn't Snape have anything else to wear? I needed a pair of jeans! I got distracted for a moment by the thought of dressing Snape in jeans and a t-shirt. I had never seen him wear anything else than his unwelcoming robes. How did he make them billow like that? That had always fascinated me. However, robes were bloody impractical for daily use, and they were downright dangerous in stairs. Especially for me. You know who I am.

The bathroom on the third floor was gloomy with dark colours and metal snakes everywhere. The sink tap, the bathtub feet and even the showerhead was shaped like a snake with water coming out of its open mouth. How morbid. I breathed again. 'Okay Dora, time to take your clothes off'. Merlin, everything I thought of this morning was morbid, even the thought of showering.

I hesitated. Maybe I should chicken out and clean myself with a cleaning spell? But no, I hated using cleaning spells. It always felt like I was covered in some sort of imaginary powder afterwards. I decided I had to shower properly. I had already been forced to use the toilet several times, so I had seen everything by now. I wasn't sure what the problem was. Probably the fact that I hadn't dared to dress myself completely naked yet. I felt as if I was violating Snapes privacy . . . which I technically was. But how else was I supposed to shower? I guess I could simply refrain from showering at all but that was even worse than using a cleaning spell. I didn't want to walk around looking and smelling like a pile of dung, which I did at the moment (sorry Snape).

I decided not to look at myself in the faded mirror and turned around to take off my robes. But alas, when I was butt naked, I couldn't resist the temptation to peek. I felt bad about it immediately afterwards. Luckily the mirror wasn't big enough to show his (my) entire body (I'm not a pervert! . . . I think . . .), just the chest region. But what I saw shocked me a little bit. He was thinner than I had originally thought, sickly so in fact and very pale. As if he hadn't been in the sunlight for decades. That probably wasn't too far from the truth. I didn't know much about this man's life, but he obviously didn't treat his body well.

But the most shocking features were the scars that covered his torso. There weren't that many, but they were large. I counted six on his torso, a long twisted scar along his left calf and two slashes on his right thigh when I dared to look. Some of them looked quite new even though they had healed nicely. He took care of that at least, or maybe someone else had. I found even more scars on his back, but they all looked a lot older. Had all of these come from Voldemort? I knew from what Dumbledore had told us, that Snape had gone back to Voldemort later than the rest of his deatheater friends and that Voldemort had needed a lot of persuading before he finally believed Snape to be on his side. But Dumbledore had never mentioned how much Snape had to go through before Voldemort believed him. Then again maybe Snape had asked Dumbledore not to tell. I guess I could understand why.

I showered quickly and got dressed even faster. I had to use bar soap because there was no shampoo around. But I felt immensely better and refreshed afterwards. Snape didn't seem to have a hairbrush, or maybe the house elves forgot to pack one. I figured I could borrow my own brush but that was somewhere inside Snapes room (unless the houseelves forgot to pack it) and I didn't dare walk in there while he might still be asleep. Instead I went down to the kitchen still with wet and tangled hair, thinking I'd have to wait until he woke up before I snuck in to borrow (steal) it.

It turned out Snape was already awake. He sat by the kitchen table with a cup of tea. He was still pale, but he looked a lot better than he had yesterday. The fact that he had changed his hair colour to a less sickly looking colour (hazelnut brown) improved the matter immensely. He greeted me with a scowl that deepened even further when he realized I had taken a shower. The Weasley children sniggered together at the end of the table while Snape sat alone on the other side. Any other adults were absent. I figured the children would gawk and start throwing pitchforks and torches at me if I tried to sit with them, so I joined Snape after helping myself with a pile of eggs.

"Feeling better today?" I said in an attempt to start a civilized conversation.

He ignored my question and continued to scowl at me while I sat down and picked up my fork to eat.

"You had a shower" His tone was accusing.

"Yes, I did."

His expression changed suddenly to a mocking sneer "Did you like what you saw?"

I wasn't sure what to say to that. I was painfully aware that he tried to rile me up again (was that the only form of conversation he knew?) or make me feel ashamed for showering. Which was stupid by the way. I couldn't help it if I needed a shower! It wasn't my fault we were in this situation! But we were currently right in front of the Weasley children, and I refused to start a bloody fight again while they could hear. Did I actually want to answer his stupid question? Tell him the truth and risk making him even more angry? Was he asking because I had seen him naked or because I had seen his scars . . . Or both?

I stayed silent for too long and Snape seemed to believe he had caught me off guard. He leaned forward and asked in a dangerously sweet tone: "Did you study everything?"

"Oh, come on, Snape" I said in an exasperated whisper "you gave me permission yesterday to do all the essentials and I did the same for you. Or did you forget? It's not like we can avoid it after all. I assume you haven't taken a shower yet, but eventually you're gonna have to. In fact, I want you to take a shower at least every other day."

He looked taken aback by my frankness and I saw a flicker of something (was that insecurity?) in his eyes. "No!" he whispered harshly "I refuse to do that!"

"Why not? It's just a shower. And I've already told you I'm fine with it."

"I will not have this discussion with you now!" said Snape in an even quieter voice and looked over at the Weasley kids. I found that ironic because he had been the one to bring it up. But the youngest girl, Ginny might have been her name, had noticed our whispering banter and threw us some curious glances.

"Fine, then we can talk about it somewhere else" I said annoyed. Apparently, one could never have a peaceful conversation with Severus Snape. But I was mostly annoyed at myself for falling for his taunts after all.

He scowled at me in a sort of challenge, but I ignored him while I gulped down the rest of my eggs. When he opened his mouth to say something else, he was cut off by Mrs Weasley who came down the stairs to the kitchen and yelled "Ok kids, time to go cleaning!"

All the kids groaned from the other end of the table, but Molly would have none of it. "Get off your arses, you will do as I say" she barked and then she turned to me and Snape "Oh, good morning Professor Snape."

"Good morning, Molly" I said with a – bit of a forced - smile.

"Are you feeling better, Tonks?" she went over to Snape to feel his forehead "You certainly do look a lot better than you did earlier this morning. Some breakfast always does you good."

"Yes, I feel a lot better, thank you Mrs Weasley" said Snape surprisingly politely. He even gave her a little smile.

"Oh, how wonderful" she clapped her hands together and proceeded to shove her children out if their chairs and ushering them out. "But mum, we are seventeen, you can't make us" tried one of the twins, Fred? Or was it George?

But molly put her hands on her hips and glared threateningly at her son. "And what exactly do you have that is more important, hm?" the twin backed away a little bit "Nothing mum."

"Well then, quit your whining and come with me" she ordered. But as they moved towards the door, she turned to me again "Oh, professor Snape, you are welcome to join us if you want to, but I think you should have some more rest dear Tonks."

At his mothers' words, the only remaining kid in the room (the kids name was Roland right?) whipped his head around to stare horrified at his mother for what she had just suggested. Then he glanced at me with a clearly hostile expression. Molly didn't notice.

"No thanks Molly, I think I will pass for now" I said politely, even though I couldn't help giving the last Weasley child a glare to tell him I had seen his reaction. He turned beet red and ran out of the room.

"Oh well, I'll see you later then, and remember I will make lunch at about one o'clock if you care to join us."

"Thank you, Molly" I said again.

I turned back to Snape the second she was out of the room "So, back to our discussion."

"I am in no mood to discuss this now, Miss Tonks" said Snape harshly and stood up to leave.

"Well, I am going to bring it up eventually, so we might as well talk about it now."

He turned to glare at me, again, and I raised my eyebrows at him. "Take your chances, if you leave now, I might follow you."

He let out another snarl before he sat down across from me again, then he turned to the door and cast a spell at it that I'd never seen before.

I decided to ignore his childish behaviour and ask about the spell instead. "What was that?"

"It is a spell that allows us to talk freely without being overheard. We will hear them coming but they will not hear us."

"I have never seen that spell before, where did you find it?"

"I invented it."

"You invented it yourself? That is . . . so cool!" I said sincerely. "Would you teach me?"

He studied me dubiously for a minute, seemingly unsure as to why I suddenly changed the subject. Then he nodded before he proceeded to tell me how to do it. "- and then you say muffiliato" he finished. I copied him, and I saw a sort of transparent filter shoot from my wand and cover the area I aimed at.

"To take it down again you simply say 'finite,' or leave it and it will fade after a few hours" he finished.

"Oh, that's brilliant!" I exclaimed. To my great surprise, Snape gave me a small but genuine smile "Thank you."

We sat in silence for a minute while I cited the spell in my head until Snape stood up to leave "Well if that is all-"

"Oh, no you don't!" I exclaimed. "Sorry, I got a bit side-tracked there."

Snape remained standing and crossed his arms. The atmosphere turned awkward, at least from my side. Snapes face was expressionless. I used a moment to maul over the question on order to ask it in a way he would find the least insulting. Then I decided to screw it.

"Are you afraid of . . . you know, seeing yourself naked" I gestured towards his (now very female) body "because you think I might judge you as pervert? Or that I might think you are taking advantage of the situation?"

He stood very still for a moment. His face was still expressionless, but I could see that he was thinking very fast. Maybe he was considering whether to tell me or not. I have learned some interrogation techniques from Mad-eye over the years and if there was one thing I knew, it was in a situation like this, it was better not to push the subject. Be quiet and wait, and they would eventually tell you everything. After another eternity where I constantly had to tell myself to shut up, he finally answered:

"No".

"Then what?" I said in confusion.

"Why would I need a reason?"

"Well, I assume you do otherwise you wouldn't have refused at all."

Snape exhaled and evaded my eyes. "I just want to keep my privacy!" he said harshly.

"I know" I said. I knew he wasn't just talking about the shower issue he was talking about the entire situation. "Don't you think I feel the same way?"

"Then how can you say you're fine with this?"

"Do I have a choice? Were stuck in this situation for an indefinite amount of time. I can't just command you to keep from going to the toilet just because I don't want you to see me naked. That would be unfair. Were both forced to deal with it . . . and I know, you feel like you're being violated, right? I understand that. I feel the same way, but there is nothing we can do about it."

He looked away again "I know. But I do not want to be that kind of man . . ."

". . . The kind of man that showers?" I asked jokingly without thinking. I realized my error when I saw his face. "Sorry, bad joke!" I exclaimed before he had time to give back some biting or insulting remark. "I was just trying to make the atmosphere lighter . . . and I failed miserably, apparently."

His glare didn't change. "Aw come on, please sit down, Professor Snape. Look, I'll make you another cup of tea to make up for my stupidity." I hurried around the table and coaxed him into his chair before I headed to the sink to refill the kettle. I only tripped over one chair on my way. "Look we are both involved in this mad situation together and I think the best way to avoid it being shit for both of us is to talk to each other. I don't mean I tell you what you need to know as a woman and you tell me what I need to know as a man, that is not all. We need to communicate with each other as well, you know. If you have a problem, you can talk to me about it. I might be able to help you."

I carried the steaming tea-mugs carefully back to the table and sat down while I talked. "We're in this together you know. I know what you are going through because we are going through the same thing. I won't judge you if you have worries about seeing yourself naked or whatever, it doesn't matter. If you are afraid I will think of you as pervert, don't worry. I won't. I trust you. I know there are some in the order who doubt your allegiance to us, but Dumbledore trusts you therefore I trust you . . . I should say I am just as afraid that you will think I am a pervert. I'm not though, I promise. I will never take advantage of you in that way."

I stretched out my hand and lay it on top of his. He didn't snatch it away, but he looked like he very much wanted to. I continued anyway. "Listen, I not gonna lie, you can behave like a rude bastard at times, but I have nothing against you, and I have no desire to thwart you or embarrass you so please let us just be friends, or . . . you know, friendly at least."

I took my hand off his and picked up my tea-mug with both hands. "If I say something that makes you angry or anything then it is most likely not on purpose. I usually don't run around insulting people deliberately. It's just me trying to be funny."

Snape studied me for a long time before he spoke. "That was a very long apology". He picked up his own mug and studied it for a moment. "So, you say you don't run around insulting people on purpose. Was that unlike me, you mean?"

Oh Merlin. My heart sank. Was he trying to start another fight or force me to deny it just to see me squirm? But when I looked up at his face, I saw a tiny hint of mischief in his eyes and I relaxed "Yes, unlike you."

The corner of his mouth twitched slightly upward. Apparently, I had passed some kind of test of his, because he said "Fine, friends."

I had to laugh in disbelief. Snape as a total weirdo. But I still cheered 'Yess!' in my mind and did a little mental air-fist-pump for my own achievement. Friends with Snape. What a progress.

We sat in silence for a minute while drinking tea, but I couldn't hold it for long. "So . . . What did you mean by 'I don't want to be that man'?" I asked carefully after a while.

"Never mind, miss Tonks."

I leaned back in my chair and studied him closely, he was right, maybe this was not the right time. "Fine mister, but don't you think I will forget it. I will bring it up eventually."

I wish I could say that the rest of the day went on uneventfully, but that would have been a lie. Well the rest of the morning and early afternoon did go on quite uneventfully. I suggested that the old Grimmauld place library might have some literature about ancient potions, so we spent most of our time in there looking for something that could be useful for Dumbledore and Amaryllis's research. We sat mostly in silence, leafing through old books that might be interesting, but we found nothing.

Snapes company was quiet but okay until Sirius Black showed up. He interrupted us rudely by bursting through the door wanting to talk to me (or Snape at the moment) about something. I mouthed 'be nice' while he passed me on his way out of the library. After the talk with Sirius, Snape became more and more grumpy and impatient until he exploded half an hour later. "This is not going to work, the library is useless!" he threw the book into the wall and rose angrily.

I slammed my book shut and stood as well "Listen I understand that you might be frustrated but there is no use in destroying things" I said while I walked over to the mutilated book and picked it up. The book cover had separated from the rest.

"Oh, just leave it you stupid girl" he said angrily and flicked his wand angrily to repair the book himself.

I looked at him in confusion. Hadn't we just agreed to be friends? "What's gotten into you? Why are you so angry all of a sudden?"

"Who says I am angry?" he spat, clearly angry.

"Could have fooled me. What exactly did Sirius tell you?"

"Perhaps if you refrained from sticking your nose into my business, I would be fine?"

"I don't understand. Why are you taking this out on me?"

"I don't know, maybe if you hadn't made us drink that potion we wouldn't have been in this mess!?"

I stared at him in disbelief "Now you are going too far!" This time it was my turn to grow angry. How could he suddenly put the blame on me? That was unfair.

"Oh, am I?" he said and glared defiantly at me.

I threw up my arms "You know what, I have had enough! I'm going home and you can stay here and be miserable by yourself." I left him standing there alone.