Author's Note

(Otherwise known as: The Starklings need an adult).

I do not own Game of Thrones.

Wherein Benjen is the only sane one in a vengeful group of teenagers.


"So we've established that we all seem to be here. Plus Uncle Benjen and minus father."

"Check."

"Where is Father?"

"Currently? I think I was leading a ranging expedition. There'd been a lot of Wildlings moving through the area."

"They were fleeing the Others."

"Yes, I understood that when my ranging group were ambushed and butchered by ice monsters."

"Were they big and scary like in Osha's stories?"

"Who is this Osha?"

"Me mam."

"We're getting diverted. So hopefully Father's Beyond the Wall. He's strong enough, I'm sure he'll make it back here."

"What I want to know is how this happened."

"The last thing I remember is having my eyes torn out in the Winterfell crypts. Remind me to return the favour to Tyrion Lannister when he visits."

"Tyrion Lannister tore your eyes out?"

"Tyrion Lannister thought we should hide in the crypts when ice monsters that can raise the dead arrived."

"Ah."

"A girl was in Braavos. She failed her test. She will not fail again."

"Are we all just going to reminisce on how we died?"

"Arrow to the back."

"This is not what I meant–"

"Stabbed at my uncle's wedding. Ah, the other one."

"Thank you for that clarification."

"Killed by my own black brothers."

"Nothing from you, Bran?"

"I was facing one of the Others in the godswood."

"And father was beheaded. So we know we all died. How did we end up here?"

"Bran?"

"You were all dead! I wanted to fix things!"

"I'm your father! Lady Catelyn keeps giving me hungry looks!"

"It wasn't meant to go like this. Obviously."

"Can you fix it?"

"I don't know. And I'd probably need Father here too."

And so it was that the Starks of Winterfell resisted the urge to tear apart a three year old.


"So we're all agreed that Father – who is currently me – is absolutely not going South to be beheaded this time?"

"We are all in favor of that."

"Right, so what do we do instead? Suggest a different Hand? A trustworthy one?"

"How did Jon Arryn die?"

"Not sure."

"Arya Stark's father was trying to discover that."

"Could you be less odd please?"

"Damn. That would've been handy to know. If we could stop it, there'd be no need for a new Hand at all."

"Wait! I know! I think Aunt Lysa poisoned him."

"But she's his wife."

"I would absolutely have poisoned both my husbands. No regrets."

"We'll send a raven to Jon Arryn at once and warn him to get a wine tester. And mayhaps send his lady wife back to the Eyrie."

And so it was that the Starks of Winterfell attempted to avert disaster.


"I wan' Shaggy!"

"But Robb had–"

"It's fine, I'll keep Grey Wind. He's mine anyway."

"That would mean I can keep Ghost."

"You can't keep one!"

"Why not?"

"The pups were for us!"

"And I'm still me! If I must be Father, I'd like to have Ghost with me."

"I have a question."

"What's that?"

"If we all keep our original wolves, isn't it going to look odd that Un– Sansa is the only one without one?"

"I don't mind."

"It's not about whether you mind!"

"What if Jooh– Father gives Ghost to Sansa and keeps the mother? She seems to like being here."

"You can have Nymeria. A girl is not a Stark and so needs no wolf."

"You know, we really should do something about her at some point."

"Arya, you're keeping Nymeria. She might do you some good."

"That doesn't help with our original problem."

"Why couldn't I keep the mother wolf? That way Jon can keep Ghost."

"It'll look weird if the rest of us all have pups and you keep the mother."

"I'm not giving up Ghost."

"Fine. Here, Uhhh– Sansa, you can have Grey Wind. I'll keep the mother."

"Won't that look odder?"

"We'll tell them Father made me nurse her back to health since I'm the bastard. It'll be fine. She's a good girl. I'll call her Chances."

"Chances plural?"

"Screw you, Snow, you're getting to keep yours!"

And so it was that the Starks of Winterfell doled out their direwolves.


"What are we going to do about Theon?"

"Tear throat and eat eyes. Makes good hunter."

"We'll put that at the bottom of our list of possibilities."

"We could execute him now, he's still confined to his chambers for attempted murder."

"Which he didn't commit."

"But he will."

"What if we just push him out a window?"

"Drowning would be more appropriate in that case."

"Theon came back to us for the battle against the Others. He died trying to protect me."

"He also stabbed me in the back and sacked Winterfell."

"I wish Father was here."

"All men must die."

"Thank you for that input."

"Uncle, what do you think?"

"I think we have to keep him alive for now. If you execute him, Balon Greyjoy will declare war on the North."

"I didn't think of that."

"A girl could make it look like an accident."

"You're very murderous these days, you know that?"

"If it comes to war, we execute him."

"And we absolutely do not send him back to Pyke to treaty with his father."

"Haven't you criticised me enough for that decision?"

"No."

And so it was that the Starks of Winterfell decided not to commit murder.