My awesome editor, beta reader, and overall cool dude The Layman has once again graced us with his writing by giving us the next Ruby in this collection; the anime Black Lagoon was a major inspiration for the bonkers tone and setting, but the lead character might not be quite what you expect…


Present day, in some shadowy part of Remnant…

Like so many places, Mistral wasn't as clean and shiny as it seemed; crime and vice ran rampant throughout the continent, even in places like Haven (though people were more subtle about it there). Smaller towns and settlements usually had it worse, though at the same time the syndicates and organizations that held control over those towns were also the very reason they stayed safe. Even the Church was in the pockets of the various criminal enterprises that effectively ran the world, and while still charitable, it was more about maintaining the delicate balance of things than any real altruism.

However, there were still some small flickers of goodness in a sea of vice, entrepreneurial souls who gave back to the general populace more than they took.

This…is not one of them.

"Haha, jackpot!" Chips clattered as they were swept towards one of the players at the table who couldn't help from giggling at their victory. "Mama needs a new pair of shoes!"

However, before she could revel in her winnings for much longer, a new sound rang out in the dingy bar: the sound of five different handguns being leveled the woman's direction.

A nervous chuckle escaped her lips as she slowly raised her hands in the air. "Heh heh…c'mon now, boys…can't we all just get along?"

"Not if you're gunna be cheating," one accused, holding his gun just a little bit higher (now pointed at the woman's nose). "You got more balls than brains if you think you can pull one over on us."

"Pffft, me? Cheating? I'm a woman of the cloth, good Sir; I'll have you know that the Good Lord expressly forbids such dishonest practice-" A rather burly man chose that moment to drunkenly lurched past, accidentally bumping the woman's chair.

Several cards fell from the baggy sleeves of her habit, most of them Jacks or better.

Five hammers simultaneously pulled back.

"…ah fuck."

"Waste this bitch!"

In the split second before she was filled full of lead the woman ducked down, managing to kick the underside of the table and send it flying into the faces of the other players. She scrambled to her feet and bolted for the front door, making it out just before the door was peppered with gunfire and angry shouting.

A blonde woman leaning against a sporty looking motorcycle glanced over at the commotion, sighing. "They caught you cheating again, huh?" she remarked.

"No time to explain!" the "holy" woman shouted, making a bee line to the blonde, "We need to get out of here yesterday!"

The front door to the establishment exploded outward, a posse of armed men pouring out.

A stray bullet struck the ground by the two women.

"Shit!"

"Hurryhurryhurry!"

The blonde quickly straddled the bike, cranking the ignition, while the other woman hopped on the seat behind her right as the bike pulled away.

"You know…," the blonde said as the bar shrank into the distance, "I'm not gonna say 'I told you so', but…"

"Look, I really need a new pair of shoes, OK?" She tugged the bottom of her habit up, revealing, apart from her very shapely calve, a ratty looking tennis shoe that may as well have been held together for the literal will of God. "Just cuz I took a vow of poverty doesn't mean I want blisters!"

"Didn't the Good Lord also say 'it's not cheating if you don't get caught'?~"

"No, that's-!" The holy woman buried her face into the blonde's back as the true meaning of her question sunk in. "…shut up!"

"For real, we need to get you a better teacher on how to cheat."

"Just drive already!"

The blonde just shrugged and focused on the road ahead; she knew what was waiting for her 'divine' companion back with the others, there wasn't any need to twist the knife beforehand.

_/_/_/_/

Whap! The sound of the Heiress's hand upside Sera's head rang out despite the headwear slightly softening the impact.

"What about 'keep a low profile' do you not seem to comprehend?!"

"Look, I thought it would just be a quick cash grab, into and out, 20 minutes tops. How was I supposed to they'd be so perceptive?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because you look like you should be helping feed starving orphans at the local mission, not joining crooks for a game of Blackjack?"

Were she anyone else, Sister Sera Phim would've withered on the spot from the Heiress's glare she sent her way.

"Just because my congregation isn't around anymore doesn't mean I'm going to give up everything I stood for. Besides, habits are actually pretty comfy once you get used to them."

"That's not even-!" Heiress gave a sharp inhale before turning to Blondie. "Are you both sure you weren't followed back here?"

"100%, Ice Queen; nobody tried to bug my bike, and no one chased after us from the dive bar. Hell, we could probably stroll back over there and no one would recognize us."

"Forgive me for not wanting to take that chance. Alright then, go tell Kitten to get us in the air; we've got the Good Witch's cargo, so all that's left is to drop it off at her warehouse back home."

"Actually…" Blondie gesture to an old clock hanging on the bulkhead. "It's Kitten's 'private time' with Vomit Boy, we probably want to wait a few more minutes."

"*sigh*…fine, but if she's not done with him in ten minutes, I'm assuming control of this thing whether she's finished or not."

Sister Phim grimaced at the image of her ebony-haired friend engaged in coitus with their newest recruit/pass around party boy. Granted, she'd long since given up her maidenhood at this point, but she had no plans on becoming a voyeur as a result.

"In the mean time, I'ma go do some recon before we take off. Be back in a minute!"

With Blondie gone an oppressively awkward silence fell over the inside of the cargo plane, the former nun shuffling in place.

Eventually Heiress broke the silence. "What's on your mind, Sister Phim?"

"Um, well…" She scratched the back of her head, "…I was wondering if you could teach me how to cheat at cards better?" She blinked her large, silver eyes, looking for all intents and purposes like a small puppy dog. "You know, so I don't provoke so many people in the future?"

"…if it'll help avoid situations like this in the future, sure, I'll help. It'll at least give us something to do until our pilot finishes her fu-"

"We need to leave!" Blondie shouted, running up the ramp, "We've got bogies: half a dozen technicals gunning it right for our bird. …is Kitten done yet?"

"Shit!" Heiress rushed over to a large red button under the clock and slammed it down, an alarm klaxon instantly ringing throughout the craft. "I'm gonna try and get this thing in the air, you two stall until we're ready for takeoff."

"On it!" they both shouted. Blondie quickly hopped on her motorcycle (followed immediately by Sister Phim) and gunned the engine, tearing down the ramp and onto the tarmac on an intercept course for their pursuers.

"You got Cain and Abel?" Blondie asked.

Sister Phim instantly produced a pair of UZI submachine gun pistols seemingly from nowhere, grinning. "Never leave the chapel without 'em!~"

"Good; contact in 15 seconds!"

Sister Phim knew what was coming; this was a maneuver they'd done plenty of times before. Just as they were about to pass the vehicles Blondie leaned the bike over and skidded along the tarmac while Sister Phim opened fire with her SMGs akimbo at the same time; low enough that most of the opposing gunfire went over them while Sister Phim's bullets riddled the sides of the trucks and their tires, even managing to hit the gas line for one of them, causing it to go up in a ball of flames. Once they were past the trucks Blondie righted the bike and spun around, now following behind what remained of their pursuers.

"Damn! Looks like two of 'em survived," Blondie cursed, veering sharply to the side as the as the remaining technicals turned their weapons rearward at the pair. Sister Phim took the opportunity to eject the spent clips and slot in fresh ones.

"Not for long!"

Rattatatatatatatatatatatatat! Another hail of lead flew towards the technicals, though in a much more directed fashion than before. It briefly kept the mooks from firing at them…on one of the vehicles. The other one fared better and opened fire on the two women, once again causing Blondie to take evasive action.

"Something tells me your peashooters aren't gonna work a second time," Blondie remarked.

"Indeed…" Sister Phim stuck her UZIs into a pair of holsters on the bike before reaching down and tearing a bit of her habit up to her thigh. Aside from her stockings and garters there was a small, thin metal rod strapped to her leg which she summarily yanked free. "I think it's time for some divine interven- EEP!" A stray bullet prevented Sister Phim from finishing her action one liner.

"They're almost at the plane!" Blondie shouted.

"Don't rush me!" She took a quick breath as she held the small rod out towards the technicals, closing her eyes and saying a quick prayer. "Oh Lord, who art in Heaven, grant mercy on your faithful servant and give me the power to save my friends and fuck some shit up!"

It took a second to fully manifest after she finished, but a moment later Sister Phim was holding a full sized spear, golden and ornate in its bearing, its head resembling a golden flame; Entropy, the (stolen) relic of destruction. She leveled it at the technical on the left; a golden light began to gather at the tip of the spear, growing to about the size of a basketball before shooting forward and through the rightmost technical, causing it to disintegrate and fall apart on the spot, now merely a pile of scrap metal and mangled bodies trapped within.

As for the remaining technical, Blondie pulled along side it while Sister Phim gave the spear and hearty swing, knocking it against the side of the truck and leaving a shallow gash; rust immediately began to eat away at the metal where she just struck, rapidly disintegrating the vehicle. It fell apart after a few seconds, skidding to a stop well before it reached the cargo plane's ramp.

The threat pacified, the spear returned to its smaller form as Blondie drove up the ramp, hitting the switch to bring up the ramp as they passed.

"We're in!" Sister Phim called, "You're free to take off now."

"Copy that," came Kitten's voice over the intercom, the plane starting to pick up speed as it moved forward. "You guys probably want to strap in."

_/_/_/_/

"Cheers!" the four ladies (and one housekeeper) cheered, knocking back their respective beers as they relaxed in the back of their cargo plane, just in sight of their cozy little office in central Mistral.

"Another job well done," Heiress stated, "a somewhat harrowing takeoff notwithstanding."

"Here here!" Blondie crunched her now empty can against her forehead before grabbing a second.

"What the Good Witch wanted with a bunch of teddy bears, I'll never know," Kitten remarked. She leaned against Vomit Boy, "I don't suppose either of you-" She gestured to Heiress and Sister Phim. "-bothered asking when she picked them up before, did you?"

Both shook their heads. "I didn't feel it was appropriate to ask," Sister Phim explained, "she did say it was supposed to be a secret, after all…" She took a tentative sip of her beer. "…also, Miss Kitten…I understand you might have grown up with different societal values than I did…but would you terribly mind putting your shirt back on? It's a little distracting…"

Kitten glanced nonchalantly at her bare chest, then back up at Sister Phim. "Vomit Boy doesn't seem to mind." She lightly dragged a finger under the blond man's chin. "Do you?~"

"U-um…!" His face suddenly looked remarkably redder than it had before.

"Anyway!" Heiress interjected, "I'd say we've all earned some rest and relaxation. Does anyone have suggestions where we should take this?"

Blondie looked like she wanted to say something, but before she could the plane's specially installed telephone rang. Since she was the closet to it anyway she grabbed it off the hook. "Yello, Seraphim Couriers. How can we help you?" Her brow furrowed. "…you need a what? …yeah yeah, hold your horses, we'll be right out." She hung up and turned to her friends. "Some chick is asking if can perform a miracle for her, sounds like the one who's been leaving all those messages. What's your call, Boss?"

"If it won't take to long, then it shouldn't cut into our siesta too badly." Heiress stood up, leaving her beer. "We may as well get this over with." She headed over to the side entrance and peered through the porthole. Apparently satisfied with what she saw on the other side she opened the door and gestured for someone to follow her back to the others.

A gorgeous young woman (maybe in her late teens/early 20's?) followed Heiress inside, with long, vibrant red hair that fell just past her waist and eyes that may as well have been actual emeralds for how green they were. She had on what could only be described as "sexy Roman centurion" cosplay (albeit a little bit worn for wear), and despite her smiling expression there was a tinge of something negative that somehow managed to find its way to the surface.

"Hello," the girl said in a soft voice, "I was wondering if your company could help me return home? Oh! I'm Pyrrha Nikos, by the way; I should have introduced myself first, since apparently that's a requirement around here for some reason…"

Sister Sera Phim suddenly wondered if stronger alcohol could help calm her rapidly beating heart at the sight of this girl.

She only hoped no one else heard her internal, gay shriek that involuntarily escaped her mind.

to be continued…?


Designation: Remnant-0774 (Theocracy World)

Type 1 Common World
Class 3 Population – 100/0 HF (Human/Faunus) Ratio
Grimm Threat NOT DETECTED

Environment: GREEN
Integrity: GREEN
Culture: RED
Dust/Aura: YELLOW
Deviation from Standard: 37.3 %

Special Note: Now this is different… not only is this a version of Remnant without a single Faunus in sight, but it also appears to be run mostly by a religious organization, or at least one that considers the gods as literal figureheads. Not a lot of real-world examples I can compare it to. Aside from that a lot of these readings are similar to other 'dangerous' worlds I've scanned in terms of crime and degeneracy, so it'll be awhile before I pay them a visit.


Editor's Note: Yo, Layman here. I don't know what it is about this concept, but when Mr. With a Box shared it I instantly latched onto it and, lo' and behold, this story happened. (Thank my love of Black Lagoon and working appreciation of Quentin Tarantino films.) This is probably going to be the only peek into this world for a while, but you should at least have a reasonable idea how it works now.

Also, to address what's probably the obvious question: "Is that supposed to be canon Pyrrha who showed up at the end?"

Yes, that is a very good question. Anyway, see you in whatever world we end up in next time.


Author's Note: To be perfectly honest, this world was just a fun experiment for the both of us; no deep themes to explore, no allegories to real life or politics, just bombastic chaos and a nun with a pair of machine guns. Who doesn't love that?

Next Chapter: We pillage plunder, we rifle and loot, drink up me hearties, yo ho! We kidnap and ravage, we don't give a hoot, drink up me hearties, yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!

=^..^=