Amity was petrified. "Uh... fairy godmother, I was just..."
Lilith didn't even listen to her: she rushed over and snatched the sharp crock from her hand and threw it as far away from them as possible, and then she frantically examined her arms to make sure there were no injuries. "What's on your mind!?" she exclaimed.
"N-Nothing!" Amity replied desperately trying to make up an excuse. "I... I wanted... I was just..."
"Tell the truth! Were you trying to hurt yourself?" Lilith urged her.
"Don't you dare tell her!"
"She'll know what a mess you are if you tell her!"
"Come on, lie to her like you always did!"
Amity swallowed. There was no point in trying to lie, she couldn't think of any plausible excuse, and she knew she couldn't fool her fairy godmother. "I-I don't know what to do" she whispered. "My body doesn't stop shaking. I can't even stand up because my legs can't support me. I thought that maybe if I gave myself a little cut my brain would focus on that pain and I would finally be able to get back on track. check..."
"Fool"
"Now she knows how broken you are"
Lilith cupped her face in her hands. "Amity, don't ever do that again, is that clear?" she told her in a trembling voice. She thanked heaven that she had arrived in time to avoid the worst: beyond the wounds, if Amity had started to associate physical pain with mental relief, then she would have set out on a path that led to a very, very bad end. "It's not good, it's dangerous and it's not healthy. If you ever feel like that again, ask for help, don't try to hurt yourself!"
Amity was seriously starting to struggle to breathe. She felt like her heart was going to burst at any moment. And suddenly the words came out of her mouth by themselves: "Then... then help me! Please... help me!" she almost screamed in fits of sobs. It was the very first time in her life that she had actually asked for help, and although she was terribly ashamed, she couldn't stop. "Please... make it stop! Do a spell! Something!"
Lilith looked conflicted for a moment, then she took out her wand and placed it on the girl's forehead and spoke a few words under her breath. Amity finally felt a strong relief wash over her and her breathing and heartbeat finally slowed; one by one, all her limbs stopped shaking. In the end, although she was still crying and feeling as if she had just been hit by a collapsing building, she was finally able to regain her sanity and get back on her feet... although when she tried to do so, Lilith grabbed her shoulder and she forced her to remain seated. "Is it better now?" she asked.
Amity nodded. "Yes... yes, it's better" she said, wiping away her tears and sweat. "Thank you, fairy godmother"
Lilith sighed inwardly. What she had just used was a spell that inhibited the release of adrenaline and other hormones in people's brains, effectively momentarily shutting down all those parts that triggered a panic attack, seizure, or any other ailment. She had never used it before because such a spell if used too often could have very negative effects on the body of a human being; however, in such a circumstance, using it was a must.
Having finally regained her sanity, Amity suddenly realized what she was about to do. Her eyes widened and she looked in horror at the hand with which she had held the sharp crock just few moments earlier. "I... I... I really didn't want to do it... I... I'm sorry, fairy godmother..." she slurred. "Please don't tell anyone! I promise I'll never do it again!"
"Are you even begging now?"
"You're really weak"
"You can't even maintain some dignity"
"I bet you'll be crying again within two minutes"
"Crybaby"
"Don't worry, I won't spill your secrets. But now I want you to tell me what's happening to you" Lilith said. "Please, Amity. I want to help you, but I can't if you don't let me"
"You know she's only acting like this out of pity"
"She's actually disgusted by you"
"Who wouldn't be faced with such a mess?"
Amity sniffed. "Aren't you a fairy? Read my heart, see for yourself what's wrong"
"I can read your emotions and feelings, not your thoughts" Lilith replied. "I can understand that you're hurting, but I can't get into your mind. That's something only you can let me do, in your words"
Amity bit her lip. She didn't want to talk about it. It hurt her to talk about it. She desperately wanted someone to help her, but just thinking about expressing her feelings scared her. She looked at Lilith, and the fairy gave her an encouraging look, as if inviting her to speak. Amity tried to open her mouth, but her voice refused to come out; on the contrary, the voice in her head grew louder and louder.
"Don't even think about it!"
"You already did enough damage!"
"We solve our problems ourselves"
"You really want to let someone clean up the mess YOU made!?"
"You want to start crying again? You know that crying is only for the weak and little children, right?"
"If you tell her the truth, she too will abandon you"
"Who wants to be the fairy godmother of a miserable weak little girl who can't handle emotions?"
Amity clutched a hand to her chest at heart level, almost scratching herself without wanting to.
"You are fine. You MUST be fine"
"I just overreacted!" she exclaimed with a sob, moving away from Lilith and standing up before she could block her again. She almost fell since even though her legs had stopped shaking they were still the consistency of mozzarella, and she grabbed onto the mirror to hold on, and was thus forced to look at her reflection again. She felt a wave of agitation when she saw the state she was in, but luckily Lilith's spell prevented her from another panic attack. "I... I overreacted, as usual. It's all my fault. I just have a weak mind. I'm... I'm fine, I just need to get myself together..."
"Amity, what you did wasn't overreacting!" Lilith told her. "Amity, please, I can sense you've been feeling bad since before, and I can understand why. There's nothing wrong with feeling bad about... about that". She didn't want to say the wrong words or do anything that would bring up bad memories, but it was really hard. "Listen... that asshole principal treated you like shit, it's normal for you to feel oppressed. You don't have to keep everything inside because your mother..."
"My mother has nothing to do with it!" Amity exclaimed. "She... you saw how she acted! She was just worried about me... she was even willing to slow down the match for me! She tried to help me!". She looked again in the mirror. "Listen, fairy godmother, no, Lilith... it's not my mother's fault, okay? She's not the one who asked me to win this game, it's just... it's just me who wants it. I just want to be better... I have to be better. I want it because I want to show her how much I'm good... I want... I want to show her that I'm..."
"Perfect?" Lilith anticipated her.
Amity closed her mouth, then she nodded. "Yes exactly"
"And what would a perfect girl be? Are you even aware of what your ideal standard is? Or will you continue to break your bones scoring as many points as possible, and at the end of the game you'll still feel like you didn't do enough?" Lilith asked her, her voice sounding oddly rhetorical.
Amity realized she didn't know how to answer. What was a perfect girl? She didn't know even just what a normal girl was. A perfect girl was someone who had perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect height, perfect weight, perfect demeanor, perfect bearing; this was what her mother had always told her. But... when was hair considered perfect? When was the skin? What was the right height and weight to achieve true perfection? What was the perfect behavior if there were so many possible situations that no one could predict them all? What was the perfect posture? She didn't know. She desperately searched for an answer among all the things her mother had taught her, but she didn't find a single one; the only thing her mother had always told her was just that the Blights were perfect, without specifying anything else. She thought back to that game she was playing... she wanted so badly to make it perfect, so that her mother would be impressed... but what was a perfect game? Her team had scored so many points, they were in the supreme lead, and yet Amity felt that it wasn't enough, that she had to do more, that she couldn't stop, that she always had to aim higher, that it still wasn't enough. That she wasn't enough. She felt like she was climbing a mountain that got higher every time she took a step.
Seeing her silence, Lilith placed her hands on her shoulders. "Amity, the path you have chosen to walk has no end because there is no true perfection in this world. No creature is perfect, each individual has different qualities and complements others. You are obsessed with being the little miss perfect because your mother imposed this lifestyle on you, but it is wrong. Regardless of the opinion you and I have of Odalia, this is wrong. This sick standard will only lead you to self-destruction, and I would say that today we had clear proof of this"
"Don't listen to her"
"You know she doesn't believe it either"
"She's just trying to comfort you"
Amity looked down and saw the sharp crock she'd nearly stuck in her arm. Could that really be a consequence of the standard of perfection that her mother had always encouraged her to pursue? No... it had to be wrong... it had to be that she was overreacting... her mother would never teach her something that could hurt her... right? "But... but I don't want to disappoint mom" she whispered, and her voice was barely audible by now. "I... I can't disappoint her too. She... she's the only parent who... who cares about... about...". She couldn't finish the sentence: the words died in her throat and left her speechless.
Lilith had to summon all her willpower not to cry; only the knowledge that in that moment she had to remain strong for her pupil held her back. "Amity… a real parent cannot be disappointed by their children, especially by a daughter like you. But above all, you should not make pleasing your mother your reason for living. You are not a doll, Amity, you are a person; you are not an object that has to make sure it always does its job well. In your scale of priorities you must always come first, not your mother. You must not do something that makes you feel bad just to please her"
"She is lying"
"She's just saying that to make you feel good, and you know it"
"You have to make our mother proud"
"You already lost our dad, do you want to lose her too?"
"NO ONE WANTS AN IMPERFECT DAUGHTER!"
Amity let out a sob. "But everything I have... is thanks to my mother. I have my life, I have my home, I have security, I have my friends... and even if only indirectly, I have you. Without my mother... if there always had been just... just my father... I would have nothing. I would BE nothing" she said, wrapping her arms around her chest as if she were extremely cold. "I-I can't disappoint her. If I disappoint her, I'd be ungrateful. It would mean spitting on everything she's done for me"
Lilith caressed her cheek, and Amity trembled slightly at the touch. "How could you be nothing, Amity? You are you, and that's the most important thing of all. You're not..."
"AMITY!"
Lilith and Amity almost jumped when a particularly breathless Luz almost burst through the door. Judging by how out of breath she must have been running around desperately looking for Amity for the last five minutes. As soon as she saw her she almost fell to her knees in front of her: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry about everything! I spoke out of turn and I hurt you! I behaved like a worm! I... I didn't want to tell you that, I assure you! If you want go ahead and slap me, vent as much as you want and..."
"Hey, hey... don't worry, Luz" Amity tried to calm her down. "I am not angry... I'm fine..."
But to her surprise Luz grabbed her shoulders and almost shook her. "Stop saying that!" the puppet screamed with tears in her eyes. "You're not fine! You haven't been fine since before! Stop pretending to be an unbreakable rock! You're right to be hurt and you're right to be angry! No one would blame you for that, so let off some steam, dammit!"
Amity felt almost crushed by the puppet's exuberance. It wasn't the first time she'd seen her cry, but this time there was no anger or pain in Luz's eyes, just fear and concern... and not for herself, but for the person she was looking at. "No... no, seriously, I'm not pretending... I'm really fine, Luz, I assure you..."
"Amity, look yourself in the mirror!" the puppet told her without giving her time to finish the sentence.
Amity had looked in the mirror before, so she knew she didn't look good; and in fact when she looked at it again she wasn't surprised to see the disheveled hair, the faded dye, the cheeks still with the lines left by the tears and many other factors that made her look almost like a zombie. Normally she would have freaked out to be seen like this by anyone other than her fairy godmother or her siblings, but with Luz she felt strangely comfortable despite it. "Luz, I know it's not a pretty sight, but I just need to get myself together and..."
"Not that! I'm not talking about your physical appearance!" Luz interrupted her, and she almost grabbed her face to bring her gaze back to the mirror. "Don't look at your image! Look at your eyes, your expression... look at yourself, and tell me if you don't scare yourself!"
Amity didn't understand, but she did as Luz told her anyway. The puppet's face was so close to hers that she could see her in the mirror too, and that was how she was able to focus on both of their gazes. Luz's eyes were... scared, worried... but they pulsed with life. But Amity's eyes... they were empty. There was no light inside them, no heat, not even the smallest spark: they were dull like those of a dead person. Continuing to look at them, Amity felt herself almost being sucked into them, and it seemed to her that she was surrounded by two dark and black pits with only loneliness and sadness in them... the vision was so frightening that she instinctively backed away and almost fell if Luz hadn't been there to support her. "I-It's not possible... is that me!?" she stammered.
Luz nodded and squeezed her hand tightly. She almost seemed afraid to let her go. "Amity… please… tell me what's wrong. I'm your friend and… and I don't want you to get hurt, none of us do. The whole team is worried about you. Edric, Emira... your siblings are scared. They're all looking for you, even Boscha even though she can barely walk. Amity... I don't know what's wrong... but you're not alone, and you don't have to face it alone. Please... let me help you. I'll do anything..."
Amity felt her heart warm upon hearing those words. Everyone was looking for her? Why did this make her feel so good? It was normal for them to be worried, they were friends, and that's what friends did, right? But then why was she so happy to know that there was someone who cared about her health?
"They're only looking for you because you're the captain"
"They don't really want you"
"They are definitely mad at you"
"Now stop acting like a fool and get a hold of yourself!"
"And don't try to tell Luz the truth!"
She looked Luz in the eyes. The puppet looked back at her, and although she clearly wanted to cry some more, she held back the tears as if she didn't want to risk them blocking her view. Looking at those beautiful eyes so alive and bright, Amity felt herself melt; all the walls she had built for herself collapsed and it was as if her soul was hit by a very strong light. And suddenly she was no longer able to say that she was fine. "I... I just want mom to not be disappointed in me... because if she were... if she were I would feel like... like she might abandon me too!" she tried to scream, although her voice was more like the squeak of a mouse. "My... My father hasn't spoken to me once in my entire life! I barely know the sound of his voice! If... if mom will be disappointed in me... if she will think I'm not a good daughter ... she could... she could also abandon me like he did... and then... and then what would become of me? Without my mother, I am nothing! Nothing!"
"What are you doing!? I told you not to tell her the truth! How much more do you want to lower her opinion of you!?"
"Nothing? That's not true!" Luz exclaimed. "Amity, you are everything! You're funny, inspiring, strong, athletic, confident! You have a lot of amazing qualities, and please let this stay among the two of us, but I think your laugh is the most beautiful sound I've ever heard! You inspire others to be their best, you are a born leader... I could go on all day and you won't be able to list even half of your characteristics! It's not true that you are nothing!"
"She's speaking without knowing many things, you know how naive she is. Don't listen to her! You alone are nothing and you know it!"
Amity wanted to believe Luz's words, but she couldn't. "It's not like that. That's not who I am. I have all those qualities because I've always followed a script, a script that my mother asked me to follow. This is what I've done my whole life. I don't even know how to behave without using the teachings my mother gave me" she said. "I am not you, Luz. I am not a courageous puppet who wants at all costs to realize her splendid dream of becoming a real girl. I am a real girl who doesn't know how to behave in any other way than like a puppet. I am the your exact opposite. I'm not brave, I'm a coward, and trying to free myself from the puppeteer's strings... scares me, because I know that if those strings weren't there to move me, I wouldn't be able to do anything... I wouldn't have nothing... I would be nothing!"
But Luz shook her head vehemently. "Do you really believe that? And then that wonderful smile you had when we made up... was that forced on you by the puppeteer? And your words, so beautiful that they touched my heart, were those also forced on you? And that wonderful laugh that I can't get out of my head because of how beautiful it was, was that also something that was forced on you?". She caressed her cheek. "No, Amity, that was you. Until this morning I didn't even know what your mother looked like, I didn't even know her name. The person I've known all this time, with all her characteristics, be they strengths or weaknesses... that was you. It was always you, even when you were stubborn and unpleasant. The arrogant girl who challenged me to the Witch Duel out of senseless spite, that was you. The sweet girl who read to the children while her friends created the visual and audio accompaniment, that was you. The brave girl who jumped on a crazy fisherman to save his friends, that was you. The bitchy girl who played a horrible prank on me, that was you. The girl who opened her heart and regretted her actions and asked me for forgiveness on her knees, that was you. The entranced girl who wandered all over Eda's house admiring all the magical things when I invited her to study there, the one that was you. The embarassed girl who looked like a tomato when I wore those otter pajamas, that was you. The strong girl captain of the team who inspired, coordinated, and entertained all of us over the last few weeks, that was you. It has always been you, in all the good actions and in all the bad actions. That's what makes you so special, not your mother. Your mother was never there. There was only you, it was always you who decided your life"
Amity remained speechless, unable to utter a single word throughout the puppet's speech. Luz's every word was like sweet honey that entered her throat and made her soul dance. "R-Really? You really think that I am... like that?"
"No! NO! Don't listen to her! She's only saying that out of pity for you! She's lying!"
"Everyone thinks that you're like that, Amity! No... no, sorry, I expressed myself badly. I meant everyone KNOWS you're like that!" Luz replied. "You are this no matter what! And I love all your characteristics, be it your inspirational strength that makes everyone feel more confident and courageous when stimulated by you, or your haughty sense of superiority when it comes to to study! You just have to... how can I say it... you just have to have the courage to accept that this is you, that there is no puppeter, that your life is in your hands!". A big smile spread across Luz's face. "How weird we kids are, right? I want to be a real girl and I can't, you already are one but you're convinced you're a puppet... come on, Amity; I'm stupid enough to pursue my dream, but you are intelligent and would never pursue a nightmare!"
Amity got lost in that bright smile. She felt like she was watching the sun's rays peek out from behind the moon after an eclipse, sweeping away all the darkness. And without wanting to, she found herself smiling back. "You're not stupid, Luz: you're pursuing a dream that you will definitely realize" she said, and then she chuckled: "But you're right... us kids are really weird"
"Well, let's help each other then. Us weirdos have to stick together, right?" Luz answered her. "Come on, repeat it with me: we can fix this together!"
"NO!"
Amity's smile widened. "We can fix this together" he repeated, and then she no longer held back and grabbed the puppet, holding her in a strong hug. Luz quickly reciprocated and Amity felt the familiar touch of Luz's wooden arms tightening around her back.
"LET HER GO NOW!"
"Shut up! I don't want to listen to you anymore!"
"YOU WILL BECOME WEAK!"
"I don't care!"
"EVERYONE WILL ABANDON YOU!"
"No... no, it won't be like that. She'll stay. And you can't convince me otherwise! Go away now, and never come back!"
And with that last word, Amity heard the voice in her head die with one last furious scream, and almost as if to reiterate her words she held Luz even tighter and almost rested her head against hers. The puppet reciprocated that contact, and she seemed happier than ever.
Lilith, who had remained aside to give the two girls time to talk to each other and clarify themselves, was unable to prevent a broad smile from forming on her face as she saw the darkness that enveloped Amity's heart retreat in fear and then vanish completely due to of the light that Luz brought with her. Even though she didn't like breaking that warm embrace, she stepped forward and put her hands on Amity's shoulders, and she said: "Your friend is right. What she told you is exactly what I've always tried to tell you, or your siblings tried to tell you, or everyone else. I don't know how she did it, but she managed to give voice to everyone's feelings". She looked at Luz, who looked slightly confused, as if she wasn't quite understanding what she had done; she chuckled internally and thought for the first time that Eda had been absolutely right and that the risk of turning into rabid beasts was acceptable if the reward was allowing that living miracle in the form of a puppet to live. "We are here, and we will always be here. And don't be afraid to remain alone. I and everyone else will stay with you, whether you follow a standard or not"
Luz's eyes lit up. "Have you heard your fairy godmother? If she says it, it must be true. So... stop being the perfect girl and just be yourself"
Amity pulled the puppet even tighter into her embrace. "Thank you... thank you both. Now... now I'm really fine". And this time it was the truth.
Luz was over the moon while she was hearing those words. "So… what do you want to do now?"
Amity put on a determined expression. "We still have a few minutes before the end of the break… so there's still time for a change of clothes"
Basically everyone that will ever read this chapter: "KISS THAT GIRL NOW, DAMMIT!"
By the way, let's see if some of you is able to notice all the references in this chapter.
