Chapter 67: The Hands That Hold Life
Sometimes in life you come across a puzzle whose solution isn't immediately obvious. So you try an idea. And then another.
Before you know it you get so absorbed into solving it that it becomes an obsession. Surely this piece will fit perfectly? THIS one, maybe?
Puzzles and illnesses are very similar in that regard. If one treatment doesn't work, you do another, and another.
The only limit to what you can accomplish is the red tape surrounding your profession.
Riku reviews his documents in the dead of night, the hospital mostly cleared out of the regular staff, and most of the patients have fallen asleep. Either on their own, or forced into it by medication.
He pinched his forehead and sighed at the pile of folders he's built up, all delivering the same dreaded news…
His treatment of Alice has been deemed a failure. He tried blood draws, he checked every organ of her body, he's even given her plenty of herbal remedies that he had to create on the fly with a little help from Maria's unique plants.
But whatever plagues her, it refuses to yield to modern treatments. As he suspected, she had something inside of her that thought and moved and seemingly had feelings.
Any doctor faced with this absurd assessment would give up and request a transfer to another patient.
Obviously, he's not that kind of person.
What would drive others to madness instead fascinated him, in a way born out of a heartfelt desire to see this young girl get to live a long and healthy life.
But his wishes clashed with hers. She was barely subtle over seeking "Wonderland", seeking "death".
And yet, in her every breath was a contradiction to her wishes. "Death" would be as easy as stopping these procedures, and letting the illness fully consume her.
There was an incident that hadn't escaped his thoughts for weeks now…when her heart rate became scarily elevated, and even after she calmed down she kept muttering about "Wonderland" over and over in her sleep, like she drifted through a blissful sea for the first time in years.
If someone had done something to her he would've sensed it. Ergo, she was attacked in the mind, further strengthening his theory about a being sharing headspace with her.
So to review, this is what he knew about Alice:
"Her body refuses to accept permanent treatments for her disease. And even when it does, it substitutes one out for another."
"Looking into her eyes for even a moment causes nightmares that if not beaten back, will twist the person's psyche until they can no longer discern reality from dreams. This seems to be tied to the being inside of her."
"..." He folded his hands before his face and had a deep, penetrating stare towards the pile of folders at his service.
"I wonder…" He dug through the pile until finding her profile and gave it a second examination.
His piercing gaze squinted and he muttered to himself, "...Interesting."
There were no records tying her to any relatives. He had figured that from their conversations.
But more importantly…her insurance wasn't listed.
Which was impossible. Even with Joe Dark's efforts to cheapen medical care, proof of insurance was required from patients.
"Hmmm…" Riku closed his eyes and thought, "All this time I was tackling her disease under the assumption that her affliction was unnatural, created by some outside force."
"...And perhaps I am still not wrong. But it's not a supernatural phenomenon, no…It's someone alive, walking among us."
He felt a slight, sinister twist in the atmosphere upon this realization.
But instead of acting on impulse, much like his brother would, he took a deep breath and stood up from his chair, went and grabbed a coffee, and used that time to collect his thoughts.
"I let myself get too busy. I would've noticed this gap in information sooner. But then…how did no one else find out beforehand?"
He thought about the nightmares, and how they were created. And how perhaps…losing your grip on reality was merely the start of what it did to people.
He would have to do further research on this later, if necessary. Right now he was running off of theories, and no matter how much evidence he compiled in support of it he'll never be 100% correct until he gets every piece.
And for that…
"...I need to speak with Alice." He tossed his coffee into the recycle bin and headed for her room.
There, she laid softly in her bed, peering out the window at the moonlight leaving the sky.
"You're still here, doctor?" She whispered.
"Just for a little while longer, until the night shift takes over." He answered honestly, taking a seat next to her bed, which caused her to face him.
"Then you won't be doing any procedures on me?" She closed her eyes and her soft but detached smile seemed to reflect acceptance within, "Or rather, you can't, because you've exhausted all your options."
Her grace in observing this fact was something he took in stride, "Yes. You're correct."
Before she spoke up, he leaned towards her, held his hands together, and smiled, "But I am open to exploring new possibilities."
She giggled, "You STILL refuse to give up after this many months…Are you sure you're not an idealist, doctor?"
"Ha ha, no. I am not."
She paused, her face torn up and looking a little pained, "...Why me, doctor? Is all this effort truly worth it?"
"You still believe I'm at your side for selfish reasons, do you?" Riku felt a little hurt hearing that, but understood where she was coming from. His tenacity was borderline absurd, and yet…He spoke from his heart.
"When was the last time you got to experience the world from outside a hospital?"
"Probably when I've been transferred via ambulance."
Riku chuckled, "Ah, being wise with me, are we? Well then…"
He raised one fist and with a slight of hand, flicked a quarter up between his fingers, "Play along with me for a moment, Alice. See this quarter?"
Alice nodded, "Just barely, thanks to the moonlight."
Riku closed his eyes and held it tightly, "My life is worth this quarter. Now…can you guess how much your life is worth?"
Alice fluttered her eyes and Riku patiently told her, "I will give you ten seconds."
"...A penny." She whispered in a slightly somber tone.
With his same trick, Riku flicked another quarter up between his fingers. She was left visibly stunned, her smile reduced to a flat line between her cheeks.
"Ask me this question about every other patient living in this hospital, and my answer would never change."
He tucked the quarters back into his fist and pocketed them before fixing his posture.
"Wait, doctor," She said with some urgency, "May I have one of those quarters?"
He felt an empty feeling in the pit of his gut. For one so weak of skin, even a simple quarter was dangerous for her to hold.
Yet he gave into her request, and the moment it was in her grasp she squeezed it until her face winced.
And once her hand was open, the quarter was covered in her blood.
"Not every quarter shines, doctor." She whispered.
Riku took that same quarter into his fists, and after squeezing it gently he cleaned the blood with a little water and then held it back towards her while remarking, "That doesn't mean it shouldn't get the chance."
She looked at the quarter and then back at him, her eyes dazzling, yet her smile tried to hide the strength behind them, "You truly are a strange one, doctor."
"And yet what is the point of all this?"
Riku stated firmly, "There is no girl, no child, who should be teetering on the cusp of adulthood wishing sincerely that they would die."
"Hmmm…" He breathed deeply out his nostrils, feeling a sensation of frustration inside of him that didn't belong here, "I have no doubt that you know how to smile. What became of that ability, Alice?"
Alice turned to face the ceiling, closing her eyes and putting on that fake smile of hers, "...Do you know why I adore fairy tales so much, doctor?"
"Alice, you cannot use fairy tales to escape life. That is unhealthy." And upon him uttering that, he immediately widened his eyes and felt like a fool, especially as he expression turned briefly towards sadness.
He rubbed his face and mumbled, "I-I'm sorry, that was out of line."
"Doctor…" She whispered, continuing from where she left off, her voice cracking, "Fairy tales…let you be yourself, unburdened by the sense and reason of our cold world."
"...I-I never should've been born 'Alice'. It is such an ugly, misfortunate name…"
Riku saw an opening, and she spread it further open with some hesitation.
But without so much as a second guess regarding his feelings he told her, "Do not force yourself to talk. Just remember that I'm always here whenever you're ready."
She turned her head and poked him with a vulnerable, simple, and curious remark, "...Would now be ok?"
Riku looked at the clock and realized that he was getting close to quitting time.
He looked at her, nodded, and made a reasonable request, "Let me call my wife and let her know I'll be home late."
He did just that, and was surprised upon returning to Alice's room that she still seemed prepared to talk.
He made sure they had their privacy, and she began without being prompted.
She turned towards the ceiling and closed her eyes, like she was remembering the events of her life vividly.
"I was born into a slightly upper class family as an only child. I had all the wealth I could ever want to do whatever I could've wanted."
"But my course in life was decided from birth. I would be enrolled into a special school and taught at a level a couple grades above my peers."
"And I absorbed the knowledge given to me at an absurd rate. I was a talented supergenius who could memorize the largest of novels and solve complex math equations by the age of 10."
"I was perfect in every way. Loved and pampered by the people around me."
"...It was all so dreadfully boring, and empty…"
"For my heart yearned to have some semblance of a childhood."
"One day, before taking my scheduled bus ride back home, I happened upon a book that had been discarded on the sidewalk."
"'Alice in Wonderland'."
"Simple curiosity led me to read it on the way home. The pages were dirtied, the words were scuffed, but throughout all the washed out pictures I saw one thing clearly…"
"The girl who shared my name had freedom. She could smile, be vexed by her surroundings, and even show the occasional signs of frustration."
"She strolled amongst whimsy and delights I never could've imagined, because I existed in a grounded world, forced to be a doll."
"I knew not at the time why I needed to keep this book with me, but I tried with all my strength. Yet it was found out in an instance under my parents' eye."
"They claimed this was an unnecessary step in being a perfect woman, and discarded it in the trash."
"They believed they spoke out of love. Yet even then I knew they were mere dolls like I, trained only to service their generational upbringing."
"It came as no surprise that I started to show my first signs of rebellion from there on. I managed to secure another copy of 'Alice in Wonderland' and did a much better job of hiding it."
"But they still found it and tossed it away, reprimanding me in a more cold tone of voice."
"I saw their true colors behind their painted on hues, but as it goes…A child dare not fight back against their parents."
"Forced to be 'perfect', my body continued to stress under the instability of not feeling complete. I daringly sought more fairy tales to capture the same elation of Wonderland…"
"But while they were all delightful in their own, unique way, I failed to satisfy my wants."
"I wanted out…!" She paused, that cry of pain putting a scratchy layer over her throat.
"...The older I got, the more perfect I was expected to be. So began a loop of pressure and disappointment and made my body weaker and weaker until eventually, I succumbed to a terrifying disease."
"It was a rare strain that had yet to be cured. But my parents, forced to play out their roles, poured heaps of money into taking me from doctor to doctor to try and cure me."
"Yet they forced the consequences of their actions upon me for not living up to their expectations."
"The guilt I was forced to bear. The life I had, wasting away to nothingness. There was nothing I could do…"
"Until one day, a miracle worker appeared before me with a simple question…'Do you seek paradise'?"
"It was like…he understood me on a fundamental level. No. More than that…it felt like he existed solely to deliver me from Hell."
"It was by his hands that I was baptized in fire and my illness disappeared. Not only that, I felt stronger. So much stronger."
"Yet strength meant nothing when I was still trapped in the same role. Doing the same things. Being a perfect, perfect little girl."
"My parents still hated me for 'wasting their money', but now that I knew what kindness felt like, I couldn't tolerate their feelings for much longer."
"...S-Somehow, someway, I was able to free myself from their control and ran away."
"Yet it wasn't long afterwards that my illness returned, far stronger than before."
"And over the last few years, I've gone from hospital to hospital, cycling through doctors with still no signs of getting any better."
"Because I'm not allowed to. 'Alice Carroll' exists only to waste life."
She then turned to Riku and told him in a soft yet blunt tone, "You can praise life equally all you want, doctor, but you're going to give up on me just like everyone else has."
He felt the story ended rather abruptly, like there was a gap missing from her tale. But he gleamed the most important part of it, and saw how to handle her self-inflicted nihilism.
And it all began with a question that, on the surface, would seem cold-hearted and cruel, "Then why do you still live?"
Alice flinched, while Riku looked her dead in the eyes with a sincere gaze of warmth, "Something…drives you to keep fighting back against this disease."
"...Y-You're reading too much into it, doctor. My life is simply a waste. So neither afterlife wants to take me."
"Don't be absurd," Riku said with a hint of bluntness, "You know what gives you happiness in life. Fairy tales."
"Even if the rest of the world feels cold. Clinging on to one ray of sunshine is reason enough to keep on living."
Alice retorted with a hint of confusion, "But you told me that fairy tales cannot be used for escape."
"I did. And that's not a contradiction. Fairy tales, comic books, video games…they are all mediums that open the imagination and give life to possibility."
"Without the tale of a girl wandering through Wonderland, you truly would've been a doll, trapped to walk a singular line."
"But that wonderful story opened your eyes to many paths you could take."
"And no matter how many times you try to accept death as your only worth in life, I will be here to tell you otherwise. For every child deserves infinite chances at happiness."
Alice began to cry, and shook her head, "I don't understand…I just don't understand."
"You don't have to. Some things are better left unexplained," Riku smiled, "All I want…is for you to trust me."
"...Then could you tell me what you think waits for us after death?"
Alice's request made him ponder deeply with his hands between his legs.
"I have interfered in the natural cycle of life and death a couple times…but I have never laid eyes on the place we are meant to go."
"Only Joe has, twice in fact…and he has never been able to speak up about what he saw."
But he understood what drove Alice's question merely from the tender vulnerability in her eyes, where even the nightmare had disappeared from sight.
However, he didn't have it in him to lie.
"...I don't know." He gasped in exasperation.
Alice shook, and bit her lower lip before swallowing, "...Some say it's warm, and a bountiful garden."
"Others say it's hot, and punishing."
"Maybe our next life awaits us in another world, our 'Wonderland'."
He felt her body tensing up as she cried, "I-I'm afraid…of oblivion."
"I could endure burning forever, at least I'd still feel something…And perhaps it's what I deserve."
No, he was wrong.
"Alice…" He got off his chair and knelt beside her, holding one of her frail, cold hands to prompt her to look him in the eyes.
"Whatever awaits you, in life…in death…you will never have to be alone. But only you can choose to trust others again. I can't force you."
He took a step back. This was pushing things a little too far by making this personal for him.
And yet…damn professionalism. This girl needed far more help than what he could accomplish as a doctor.
He sighed internally, realizing that he was thinking of making a reckless move, akin to what his brother did many years ago.
He stood up, and began making his way for the door while apologizing, "Forgive me, Alice. I've probably put too much of a burden on your-"
"...Nursery." She murmured with some reluctance.
He froze then and there and looked behind him. Alice gave him one quick glance before hanging her head, and then she rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling.
"That's the name I gave the being that appeared when my illness returned."
"..." Riku approached her once more, curious to learn about this being.
"Does he hurt you?"
Alice shook her head softly, "No. In fact…he's quite friendly."
"But whenever I make eye contact with other people, he immediately jumps to defend me, tormenting other people with nightmares."
"...Everyone except you, that is." She stated, looking upon him with bewildered curiosity.
Riku closed his eyes and smiled, "It's not that he didn't present himself to me. Rather…"
He opened his eyes and came off relaxed, "I've fought enough of my demons to see through his tricks."
"...Not everyone can be that strong, doctor. Most people who succumb to Nursery's nightmares become catatonic, alive, but under his control."
"...And that is the reason why you jump from doctor to doctor." Riku murmured.
Alice nodded, "Correct. But don't fear, doctor. They're fine. Nursery can only operate under a certain range from me."
Though this explanation warranted a lot of questions, Riku felt in his gut that if he pushed her too far, something bad was going to happen.
Needless to say, something was happening beneath his nose that caused Alice, and more than likely other people similar to her, to develop powers.
"Alice…" He nodded with sincerity, "Thank you for opening up like this. I think…I have an idea on how to cure you now."
Alice flinched, but tried to act out of pessimism, "Don't get your hopes up, doctor."
"You'll see. I doubt even the best of doctors would've considered tackling your disease from this angle," He then whispered to her, "Get some rest, Alice. I will need some time to get approval on the procedure."
"That 'red tape' again, huh? Ok, doctor…do what you think will work." She then laid down and finally closed her eyes.
Exhausted, but feeling more hopeful, Riku signed out for the night and made his way home.
And upon making it back he was welcomed by his wife, reading a book in the comfort of their living room.
"Having a tough time sleeping?" He asked.
She gently saved her place with a finger and stood to give him a kiss on the cheek, "Well, I WAS missing my partner."
"Heh, sorry about that. But good news. I think I have finally figured out a cure for Alice's illness."
Lunis lit up, "That's wonderful news!"
"However…" Riku hung his head a bit, wondering if this was truly a good idea to go through with, "There's…something else I'd like to do for her. Do you mind staying up a little longer to talk about it?"
"Of course. I'll go make us some hot chocolate."
After she left, he looked up and felt content with how things were going.
"You will live, Alice. I swear it."
Next Time: A Deal with the Devil
