Lan doesn't know what to do with Moiraine and searches for advice. Can Tomas help him?
Quote: "An Aes Sedai needs a Warder." (Lan)
Lan didn't know what he had expected. She hadn't allowed him to stay all the other times. Why should it be different this time? Because this time, her visitor is from Illian.
It took all of Lan's patience not to turn around and storm the room. Why couldn't he stay with her? Why couldn't he know about what they were talking about? What did he do to lose her trust? Hadn't he kept her secrets all those years?
They had been searching for the Dragon Reborn for over twenty years – had always been on the road and rarely had a comfortable, warm bed to relax. Lan had never complained about their lifestyle or that they rarely had been in Tar Valon. They had a mission, and he would see it through with her until the end.
But a while ago, Moiraine had decided that he wasn't worthy anymore of her trust and her secrets. It frustrated him that he knew as little as Verin and Adeleas. Why couldn't they go back to the way they had been before she left him behind in Fal Dara?
The uncrowned king of Malkier felt like he would explode any second. Apparently, it hadn't been enough to exhaust himself with his training. Angrily, Lan punched the wall. Light, he wasn't much of a talker, but he needed someone to talk to! And his partner – the woman he trusted and loved for twenty years – wasn't available.
I need to find Tomas, Lan thought. He is a Warder like me and bonded to Verin far longer than Moiraine and I have been.
A flash of sadness moved over his face. In the past, he had gone to Stepin for advice. The man had always laughed about Lan's insecurities but Lan had always left his friend with a smile on his face and a way to deal with his current problem with his bondholder.
But Stepin was gone. His friend, who had always cheered him up with his good mood, had ended his life to be reunited with his Aes Sedai. And Lan couldn't even be angry with him. He would die for Moiraine any time and the thought of losing her…
Lan's heart ached at the simple imagination of Moiraine dying in his arms, and he had to lean against the wall. He loved her – even now when she kept him at a distance and ignored him – and he didn't want to lose her.
The uncrowned king of Malkier hated the abyss that was currently separating him from the Cairhien woman but wanted to be damned if he stopped trying to get to her. One day, he would get through her stubborn brain and break the wall she had built around her.
But until then, it can't hurt to ask Tomas for help. Maybe he has an idea to help me with what else I could try. Or perhaps he can at least calm me again.
Sighing, the Warder pushed himself off the wall and started his search for Tomas.
Twice, Lan had to hide from Adeleas while he searched for Verin's Warder. The Green Sister was determined to catch him alone, but luckily, Lan knew how to avoid her. When would that woman understand that he wasn't interested in her?
Tomas was working in the garden, harvesting vegetables and herbs for their dinner, when the Malkieri found him. The old Warder lifted his head when he noticed Lan. "Adeleas is searching for you."
Lan nodded. "I almost ran into her twice." He growled when the other Warder chuckled amused. "Can't Verin talk to her?"
"Oh, she tried. But Adeleas refuses to listen. She is a Green, and they love men."
"I don't see her running after you," Lan mumbled.
Tomas laughed. "Because I'm too old for her now. But you should have met her back in the days when I was younger. She used every opportunity to convince me that I had made a mistake by bonding myself to her sister. And now, you caught her eye." The smile disappeared from Tomas' lips when he took a closer look at the Malkieri. "But you're not here to hide from Adeleas."
Surprised, Lan met the older Warder's eyes. Usually, it was hard for people to read his emotions. Had he forgotten himself?
"You search for a place to hide from your own mind." Lan said nothing, yet Tomas nodded like the Malkieri had confirmed his suspicion. "Moiraine?"
Lan watched how Tomas turned around, disappearing between the vegetables. It was an invitation to follow him – to tell him what was bothering him.
For a moment, he hesitated, thinking about excusing himself so he could escape the awkward situation. But it had been his idea to search for Tomas – to ask for his advice. He couldn't run now.
Sighing, he followed Tomas to the tomatoes, then started to talk before he could think about it too much. "The bond made things easier." He was glad that the older man didn't turn around to look at him. This way, it was easier for him to find the words which bothered him. "It was like a friend walking along with us, chatting away so we never had to."
Verin's Warder went through the tomatoes to find the ripe fruits, but Lan saw the man was listening attentively.
"She's tired, she's hungry, she's angry, she's afraid." Lan had loved his and Moiraine's silent communication. They didn't need many words to understand each other. "And now silence."
It was the silence that bothered him – that and Moiraine's cold shoulder. Light, he wanted their bond back!
"You don't strike me as a man who's afraid of a little silence," Tomas replied with an audible humor in his voice.
They all knew that both Moiraine and Lan weren't much talkers. The pair left most of the conversations to Verin and Adeleas, who talked for four people – especially the Brown Sister.
Yes, he didn't mind silence. His training helped him to find his inner peace, and no one bothered him during his workout. He loved those moments.
But there was a difference between the chosen silence when he searched for isolation and wanted to avoid other people and the created silence encouraged by his bondholder. He didn't expect Moiraine to give him an hours-long conversation or to never leave his side again. All he wanted was for her to open up to him – to let him back in. He couldn't help her if she didn't let him.
Sighing, Lan turned to the small tree on his left, placing his hand on a branch like he needed to steady himself. Sadly, Moiraine had found another way to deal with his presence. "She wants me to leave."
"You can."
Tomas' emotionless words were like a stab to his heart. How could the man suggest for him to leave his Aes Sedai?! What kind of Warder would ever think about leaving his Aes Sedai?
"An Aes Sedai needs a Warder," Lan responded with empathy in his voice. Did he really need to remind Tomas about the duty of a Warder?
Maybe this has been a mistake. Tomas isn't Stepin. Stepin would have never told me to leave Moiraine behind.
"Adeleas manages fine without one."
"She has you," Lan protested.
The annoying Green Sister never bonded her own Warder, but it was no secret that she and Verin were inseparable. They had decided they didn't need an additional Warder to protect them. After all, they had left the White Tower to write their book and not to seek danger.
And Moiraine wasn't Adeleas. She didn't plan to write a book. The woman of the Blue Ajah had dedicated her life to the search of the Dragon Reborn and preparing him for the Last Battle against the Dark One. She would never find peace in that small study room upstairs.
"So does Moiraine." Tomas' eyes found Lan's. "Should she need me."
Lan needed all his inner strength so he wouldn't strangle the man before him. That was Tomas' great advice?! The Malkieri should leave the woman he had sworn to protect because they had some difficulties talking lately?! And Tomas would jump in whenever Moiraine was in need of a Warder?! Did that man even realize how stubborn Lan's bondholder could be?
Moiraine was a calm person but when she had sunk her teeth into something, it was nearly impossible to ask her to let go. And for twenty years, her teeth were buried in the Dragon Reborn.
Rand al'Thor was dead, but Moiraine's mission wasn't over. The world was still broken, and the Shadowspawn slaughtered everyone who dared to cross their path. No, Moiraine would continue to search for a way to save the world. Because that was who she was.
The uncrowned king of Malkier turned away to calm himself. Leaving Moiraine! – Like she was nothing to him! How could Tomas – who was a Warder himself! – suggest not just once but multiple times that Lan could leave her?! Did he really believe it was that easy to walk away? Would Tomas be able to leave Verin if their roles were reversed?
First you lose Moiraine, and then tell me how easy it is to jump from one woman to the next.
Stepin's words rang in Lan's ears. In a way, he was losing Moiraine. Every day that passed, she seemed to slip further away from him, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't hold on to her. Yet, Lan couldn't stop himself from fighting every day against the abyss. He refused to give up on Moiraine.
After Kerene's death, he had seen what happened to a Warder who lost his bonded Aes Sedai, and it scared him. Warders weren't supposed to outlive their Aes Sedai! And Lan had almost lost Moiraine many times in the last past months. At first, in the Two Rivers, when the Trolloc blade missed her heart by an inch. Followed by the Trolloc poison which had cursed through her veins.
Then there had been the fight against Logain, the False Dragon. Even when the world had turned dark around him because of the fatal cut on his throat, Lan had felt Moiraine's pain. All he had been able to think about was that he needed to get to her to save her.
Yet, the worst moment had been when Lan realized Moiraine had left Fal Dara without him and couldn't feel her. He had known why she had done it but couldn't stop the anger from burning through his veins. It was his duty as her Warder to protect her from any danger coming her way, yet she had decided that he should live while she faced her possible death with the Dragon Reborn by her side.
Lan had been scared of the outcome. Would he feel Moiraine's death with the bond masked? Would she be in pain? He had hated the fact not to face the Dark One by her side. They were a team. He should be with her.
No, Lan wouldn't leave. He would bear everything his Aes Sedai threw at him, no matter how cruel it was. He would ensure she was never alone again.
"I'm not leaving."
"Suit yourself." Tomas didn't sound surprised.
Had that been the reason for his words? – For his suggestion to leave Moiraine? Had the man already known the Malkieri would never leave and had just needed someone to talk to? Did he throw those cruel words at him so Lan could verbalize the words that had been running in his head out loud? Had Tomas known about the dispute in Lan's head?
"You're almost as stubborn as she is," the older Warder said in a warm voice with a broad smile on his lips.
Lan chuckled in amusement. Stubborn. Yes, both he and Moiraine were very stubborn. And in the end, Moiraine usually got what she wanted – one way or another. But this time, the Malkieri wouldn't give in. This time, he would fight until she saw reason.
His smile faded when he turned to Tomas admitting, "Almost."
Of course, he couldn't fool the old man. Verin's Warder was obviously satisfied with Lan's answer and continued to harvest the tomatoes. "I need more tomatoes to prepare the dinner. Care to help me?"
It was an empty offer. The uncrowned king of Malkier heard that Tomas didn't believe Lan would stay. He knew the Malkieri had gotten what he wanted – having someone who talked to him about the nagging thoughts that had been bothering him – and now, he needed some time alone to think.
"I need a moment to myself. But I promise I help you later."
"Take the time you need. There will be plenty to do before we can eat."
Lan nodded. Since he had arrived, it was up to the Warders to prepare the food for the three Aes Sedai, and Tomas knew Lan would never leave all the preparations to him. "Thank you… for listening."
The old man smiled in sympathy. "You're her Warder, Lan. You know her better than anyone. I know, you will get through to Moiraine."
The uncrowned king of Malkier sighed. He wished he had Tomas' faith. But Moiraine became colder with every day passing by. When would the wall be too thick around her?
"One day, she will realize the mistake she had made by pushing you away, and then you will catch her."
One day. Why couldn't that day be today? He was tired of waiting. He wanted his Moiraine back.
"When you see Adeleas, tell her I took a walk to the well."
A laugh escaped Tomas' lips. "And you think she won't see through it?"
"It is worth a try."
Alone, Lan took a walk around the house. What should he do? Whatever he had done trying to find a way behind Moiraine's walls seemed the wrong thing. She didn't like it when he stayed close to her, but giving her room was also not helping their relationship.
The Cairhien woman refused to let him help her and didn't even talk about her new plans. And she had a plan. Moiraine always had a plan.
Sighing, Lan picked up a small stone, playing with it in his hands. So, he knew he wouldn't leave Moiraine. No matter what she or others suggested, the Malkieri wouldn't leave his bondholder behind.
Yet, he needed a new plan to reach her. He knew his old Moiraine was still in there, hidden behind a thick wall she had placed around her. The entire situation weighed down on her – he could see that clearly, though she pretended to be fine. What was she searching for? What was she hoping those books, letters, and all that other stuff would tell her?
Should he ask Siuan for advice? The Amyrlin knew Moiraine as well as he did – probably better since they knew each other far longer. But it was dangerous to write Siuan. No one could know about them working together. Who knew what the Aes Sedai would do to the Amyrlin should they find out that she was working behind their backs to find the Dragon Reborn. No, he had to find a way himself.
Earlier – when he had brought the salesman to Moiraine – she hadn't looked at him. She must have heard the slight annoyance in his voice. Yet, his bondholder hadn't bothered to ask him what was going on with him or why he was angered. Instead, she had given him offhandedly orders.
But when the man from Illian had entered, the woman of the Blue Ajah had pulled her mask back in place and greeted the visitor with a smile on her face before sending her Warder out.
Sighing, the uncrowned king of Malkier looked at the stone in his hands, moving his thumb over the smooth surface. As calm as a stone. Maybe he should try something new. Maybe Moiraine was blocking because she didn't like his tone. Or did she believe he didn't show enough interest in their cause?
I could ask her how the meeting went. Maybe then, she will see that I care about what she is doing – that I'm still interested. But I need to be careful with my words. If she hears my anger or annoyance, she could block me again. Lan took a deep breath, then threw the stone away. A fresh start. Let's act like nothing had happened. In the past, you asked countless times about her meetings when she didn't need you present. It will be an offer to her to lend her your ear so she doesn't have to shoulder everything by herself.
But would Moiraine see through his plan? She wasn't dumb, and he tried to talk to her for months. But he wasn't willing to give up. Like Tomas had said, Lan was Moiraine's Warder. He would get through to her – even if it took another five months. He would wait, showing her that she couldn't push him away.
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