Lan is angry about Moiraine and goes to the stable to calm himself. While replaying the situation in his mind, he remembers how Moiraine has acted after they returned to Fal Dara.


Quote: "Make it yourself. And have it wherever you want." (Lan)


Chapter 1 - What have I done?


Fuming, Lan stormed out of the house, aiming for the stables. Light, he couldn't remember when he had been THAT angry for the last time! When had he been that angry with Moiraine?!

She never had been cold and cruel to him – not once in the last twenty years. But for the last few months… Angrily, the uncrowned king of Malkier gritted his teeth. Blood and ashes! He had told himself to stay calm! – Not to get angry with her! It had been his plan to break that wall of hers with a gentle tone, showing her, he still cared about their mission and about her. But she had ignored him completely. Like he hadn't said anything at all.

Bayle Doman. A sailor from Illian.

After the Malkieri hadn't been able to keep the slight annoyance from his voice, the Aes Sedai gave him a piece of information like someone who would throw a piece of meat at the dogs. Something to chew on, but not enough to be satisfied.

What had he done to deserve her cold behavior? Did his questions anger her? Or couldn't she stand his presence any longer now that they weren't bonded anymore? Did those twenty years together mean nothing to her? Did she wanted to get rid of him for good?

Lan reached Mandarb's box. After bringing Nynaeve and Egwene to the White Tower, he had taken Mandarb and Aldieb with him. The two clever horses had returned to Tar Valon after Moiraine and Lan had sent them away, and someone must have taken care of them – Lan assumed it had been Alanna and her Warders since the two men had led the Malkieri to the stables.

Aldieb had the box beside the black stallion, and both horses placed their heads over the door to welcome the Warder. They weren't used to being in a stable for that long. Usually, they were always traveling through the land, searching for the Dragon Reborn or running from danger. Lan knew that Moiraine always made sure to visit Aldieb every day, but her visits were short.

Is an Aes Sedai not allowed her secrets?

The uncrowned king of Malkier wanted to punch something when he remembered his bondholder's smile. How could she smile at him like that? For months, he tried to get her to notice him – to trust him with her secrets. He had changed his strategy countless times.

At first, he had wanted to stay close to her but gave up after it was clear that she didn't want him near her. It hurt whenever she shied away from his touch, though, in the beginning, it seemed more like a reflex than an actual decision. So, Lan had given Moiraine some room. He had kept his distance, listened and obeyed to all of her wishes no matter how painful they were to him, and tried to be the perfect Warder. But nothing worked.

Moiraine stayed cold and distant until one morning, she told him she wouldn't stop him should he decide to return to Tar Valon. It had been the first time, the Warder had looked at his Aes Sedai like he didn't know her. The words, which had come out of her mouth, made no sense to him. How could she suggest… that he would leave her… while knowing she was in a terrible place right now?

Lan had been too shocked to answer anything. He simply left the room without a word. He didn't know what the Cairhien woman had done, but the Malkieri had taken a round around the house – clearing his mind. Since then, he approached her differently. Every time, Lan thought about a new way to cross Moiraine's wall and reach his bondholder. Sadly, not every attempt ended in a friendly way.

The uncrowned king of Malkier had stopped counting how many times the woman of the Blue Ajah and he fought about everything or snapped at each other. Whenever his anger was audible, it seemed easier for Moiraine to be more cruel than when he simply annoyed her. As if she needed his anger to push her own anger.

But this time, Lan had tried to approach her carefully – wanting to show her how much he cared about their mission and her – only to be ignored by her. Nothing he did was getting under her skin. It had been stupid to lose control like he had, yet he hadn't been able to stop himself. Seeing her smile like everything was fine – like no bad word had been spoken between them and the situation had simply been a joke to her – that smile had made his blood boil.

Sighing, the Warder grabbed two apples from a box and gave them the hungry horses. Now that he had brought some distance between his Aes Sedai and himself, he could only shake his head over his reaction.

In all those years since they traveled the world together, Lan had never lost himself. He had been angry with Moiraine before – whenever she had made a decision that had been crazy in his eyes – but he had always turned silent in such moments. Never had he raised his voice at her or become violent. Why had he reacted so heavily to a simple smile?

Because you're waiting for her to smile at you again for months. You want to be a part of her life again, but she doesn't let you. She is cold and distant, and that smile of hers hadn't been genuine. She had wanted to poke you with it, and this time, it worked. You jumped because you realized that nothing you'd do would break her wall. Moiraine is stubborn and will continue her path, and that stupid woman has decided you're no longer trustworthy.

I'll have my dinner up here tonight.

Oh, he had given her everything she needed to stay away from him. His foolish reaction had given her an excuse not to eat with him and the others. It had been another stab to the heart. Moiraine hadn't eaten much in the last months – most of the time, she had killed her food with her fork whenever she had kept him and the others company – but she had never told him to the face that she didn't want to eat with him. Never had she needed distance from him.

Mandarb nibbled at his owner's tunic, and the Malkieri pulled two carrots out of the food box. Had he really told the Cairhien woman she could make her dinner herself? He was always responsible for their food. Light, he was the reason why Moiraine hadn't starved to death over the years! The stubborn woman forgot to feed herself easily when her nose was buried in a book. That fact hadn't changed since they arrived in Tifan's Well. Lan always reminded Moiraine when it was time to eat, and she always responded with a growl because he pulled her away from her books.

Aldieb huffed warm air into his face, then gave him a gentle nudge against the chest. The mare felt Lan's sadness. Smiling sadly, the uncrowned king of Malkier stroked the mare's head. He appreciated the attempt to cheer him up. At least there was still someone who didn't shy away from his touch.

The picture of Moiraine crying against his chest appeared before Lan's eyes. She had looked so lost when he found her at the Eye of the World, but Lan had only cared that she was alive. He remembered how he had wanted to pull her into his arms because his happiness had overwhelmed him before he had stopped himself.

It had taken him a moment until he realized his Aes Sedai looked like a ghost. The fire in her eyes had been gone. She had looked pale and broken – a shadow of the woman he used to know. And when he had asked her to unmask the bond… Lan's body had reacted on instinct.

Holding his crying bondholder had felt right, though it had shocked him at the same time. Moiraine rarely cried. But losing Saidar… whatever had happened at the Eye while Lan hadn't been there had crushed her. And it didn't get better after that.


It was the morning after Moiraine and Lan had returned to Fal Dara, and Lan was in the inner court yard, training with his sword. The woman of the Blue Ajah hadn't spoken a word on their way back or reacted when Nynaeve tried to strangle her after they told the Emond's Fielder about Rand's death. It had been Lan who kept the furious Wisdom at a distance and ensured she wouldn't get close to his bondholder. Lan didn't know if Moiraine would have tried to fight back should Nynaeve's hands have closed around her throat.

Luckily, Perrin had helped him in holding back the Wisdom, so the Warder could get his Aes Sedai back to her room – back to safety. After that, Lan had felt like he was watching a puppet. Moiraine had done everything he asked of her – like undressing or washing herself – but there was no life in her. And Lan didn't know how to help her since he didn't know what she needed from him.

When the Cairhien woman had slipped under the blanket, she curled herself up into a ball. She hadn't reacted when the Malkieri tucked her in or stroked her hair gently, but he had seen the silent tears running over her cheeks. His bondholder was in deep pain but couldn't verbalize it.

In the end, Lan had stayed all night by her side. At first, he had told himself he would wait until she was asleep. It was possible that she would ask for him should she feel alone. And when Moiraine had fallen asleep, Lan told himself he had to watch over her in case she woke up – he didn't want her to be alone in case it would remind her of being alone at the Eye of the World.

It was needless to say Lan didn't sleep at all that night. When the first sunbeams had fallen into the room, the uncrowned king of Malkier rubbed his face tiredly. As a Warder, he could go longer without sleep, but having two sleepless nights in a row… and his last night in Fal Dara had also been short due to Nynaeve's nightly visit.

Since the Aes Sedai had been still asleep, the Warder used the opportunity for a training session to sharpen his senses. But it didn't work. He couldn't focus on his forms. Every cell in his body yearned for his bondholder, and his thoughts spiraled continuously. What was Moiraine doing? Was she still asleep? Was she afraid? Did she need him?

Cursing, Lan finished his training and returned to Moiraine's room. He wanted their bond back! They weren't complete without it, and Lan hated every second he couldn't feel her. How should he ever rest when he was continuously worried about the Aes Sedai? – Not knowing what she was doing, thinking, or feeling?

Nothing had changed when the uncrowned king of Malkier entered his bondholder's room. The Cairhien woman was still curled up into a ball – unmoving. Relief washed over Lan. The uncertainty had weighed heavily on his shoulders. Carefully, he moved closer to the bed – not wanting to disturb Moiraine's sleep – when he finally realized something had changed.

Blue eyes – so familiar to him like the rest of her body – locked eyes with him, watching him warily get closer. Moiraine was awake! He hadn't been there when she awoke!

Lan's mouth opened but no word came out. What should he say to her? What did she need from him? He let his eyes wander over her body, reading her emotional state from her body language.

Moiraine still protected herself by making herself as small as possible. Was she expecting an attack? They had left the Blight, and Lan would protect her from Nynaeve's outbursts.

The Aes Sedai's hands clutched the blanket, holding it close to her like it was a possibility to disappear beneath it.

Her skin was pale, and there was no fire in her eyes when he locked eyes with her. The woman before him looked like Moiraine but she wasn't there.

The woman of the Blue Ajah must have seen something on Lan's face – or maybe it had been in his eyes – because she suddenly closed her eyes and pulled the blanket up to her nose. Oh, she definitely tried to hide from him!

At least the uncrowned king of Malkier could move again now that her empty eyes didn't hold him anymore. It took him three big steps, then he stood beside the bed.

"Moiraine."

The Aes Sedai winced when her Warder stroked her hair softly. It was like a stab to his heart. Moiraine had never shied away from his touch! – Never!

"Moiraine," Lan said softly, sitting on the bed beside her.

But the Cairhien woman hid her face in the pillow instead of looking at him. The hands of the Malkieri couldn't stop touching the woman beside him. Continuously, they rubbed over her back and arms and stroked her hair. When she didn't respond, Lan leaned in on her, burying his nose in her dark locks and inhaling her scent.

A whimper crossed Moiraine's lips, and Lan felt her trembling under his touch. Apparently, she couldn't stand his touch anymore! Regretfully, the Malkieri pulled back, yet couldn't let go of her completely. The hand on her hair stayed. He needed to feel her!

"How do you feel?"

It felt odd to ask her about her feelings. Lan had never done that in the past. He had always known her feelings – thanks to the bond. But now… there was silence. And Moiraine didn't humor him with an answer.

"Tell me what you need," the uncrowned king of Malkier begged. "Do you want to drink something? Shall we get you ready for breakfast?"

No answer, but at least the Cairhien woman shook her head. Well, that was a start. "Do you want me to get you some food?" Another decline. Lan's heart sank when he realized what she tried to tell him. She didn't want to get up. Moiraine wanted to stay in bed, buried under the blanket, without hearing or seeing anything. His Aes Sedai was in pain and wanted to be alone. Well, he wouldn't do that!

"You need to eat, Moiraine," Lan insisted softly. "Please."

His pleading didn't help. The woman of the Blue Ajah stayed silent and refused to look at him.


Ultimately, the Malkieri left the Cairhien woman's side since she didn't stop trembling. He placed himself on the opposite side of the room with his back to the wall, facing the bed and his Aes Sedai. For hours, he watched her lying there. Not once did she look up or search for him. She knew exactly he wouldn't leave her.

Desperately, Lan thought about a way to make Moiraine drink and eat. If she continued to refuse everything he offered…the woman was already too thin. She couldn't lose any more weight!

Suddenly, the door opened. In the next heartbeat, Lan's hand was closed around the hilt of his sword, and the blade drawn – ready to fight against the intruder.

The Warder sighed, relieved when he recognized Nynaeve. The furious woman stormed to the bed, then placed her hands on her hips. "Stand up!"

Quickly, Lan placed himself between his bondholder and the Wisdom. He didn't trust Nynaeve not to attack Moiraine. "Nynaeve-"

"There are countless injured people waiting for healing! – People who are dying without treatment!"

"You are the Wisdom. You can help-" Lan tried to reason with the woman from the Two Rivers, but she interrupted him.

"Egwene, Perrin, and I do our best to save as many as possible, but some injuries can't be healed with herbs! They need an Aes Sedai! So, get your ass out of bed and help those people!"

Nynaeve tried to grab the blanket, but Lan was faster. His hands closed around the woman's arms and pushed her backward. "She can't heal those people!" He hissed angrily, hoping Moiraine wouldn't hear him.

"What are you talking about?!" Nynaeve hissed back. She obviously didn't like his treatment.

"She can't touch the One Power anymore!"

Immediately, the Wisdom's resistance died, and her eyes widened in shock. "What do you mean? Why can't she touch the One Power?"

Lan threw a quick look back at Moiraine, but the Aes Sedai hadn't moved. How much could he tell Nynaeve without giving away too much? But the woman wouldn't leave without an explanation. Lan took a deep breath. "The Dark One, he… I don't know what he did to her, but he took her ability to channel."

Nynaeve's gaze became softer when she looked at Moiraine again. After a moment, she asked quietly, "Has she said anything since yesterday?"

Sighing heavily, Lan released the Wisdom and lowered his head. He didn't want her to see how much he worried about his bondholder. "No."

"Has she eaten or drunk anything?" When the Malkieri shook his head, the Wisdom from the Two Rivers sighed. "All right. Get her out of bed. Then give her something to eat and drink before you join us. She may can't use the One Power, but we need every hand available."

A sarcastic chuckle escaped Lan's lips. "Sure. Do you also have an idea how to do all that? She isn't doing well, Nynaeve, and refuses to eat or drink."

Before the Malkieri had time to react, the Wisdom grabbed the end of the blanket and pulled it off the bed. Pissed, Moiraine growled at the younger woman, but at least she sat upright to glare at Nynaeve, who cocked her eyebrow, challenging.

"Move your butt out of bed. We've got work to do. Eat and drink something because you will need your strength."

Nynaeve didn't wait for an answer. Instead, she handed the blanket to Lan, then stormed out of the room. The Warder shook his head in disbelief. Women. No one had ever warned him they could be THAT stubborn and headstrong.

When Lan faced Moiraine, he was surprised to see her still sitting with her eyes on the closed door. What was she thinking? Well, whatever it was, the Malkieri would take his chances to get close to her again. Maybe this time, she wouldn't shy away from his touch.

Carefully, the uncrowned king of Malkier placed the blanket back on the bed, then sat beside her. Immediately, the Cairhien woman's eyes moved to him, watching him warily.

"You don't have to eat much, Moiraine, but your body needs energy. Please, allow me to get you to the kitchen."

For several moments, Lan was convinced his bondholder would decline his offer again. But then Moiraine lowered her tensed shoulders in defeat and nodded.

Relief washed over the Warder – accompanied by a big smile on his face – then he couldn't stop himself. His right hand reached out and cupped Moiraine's cheek. Of course, she winced in surprise before she actually leaned in to his touch. Light, Lan wanted to hug her! Instead, he focused on rubbing his thumb gently over her skin.

A warm feeling filled Lan's heart when he saw Moiraine relaxing under his touch. Her fire didn't return, but at least, she didn't flinch at his touch anymore.

"Let's get you cleaned up," the uncrowned king of Malkier whispered, offering his free hand to help her stand up.

For a moment, the Cairhien woman looked at his hand like she didn't know what she should do now, then placed her small hand in his big one – like she always had in the last twenty years. It was a start!


Next week, we will see Moiraine carefully reaching out for Lan. Will they get the hug they both need so desperately?

The next story will be uploaded on Sunday.

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