The conversation with the two sisters and Tomas makes Lan think again. He remembers a moment from their past when they had transported Logain to Tar Valon.


Quote: "Perhaps, instead of trying to force her to speak, it is time for you to be quiet and really listen." (Tomas)


Lan thought about what he would say to Moiraine when he entered the room. She hadn't liked his earlier outburst, and he doubted she had liked his biting answer when he told her she could make her dinner herself.

Not once had he forgotten to bring her dinner in the last twenty years. It had been very early when Siuan had made him promise to watch over Moiraine's eating routines. The Cairhien woman was terrible at thinking about her needs.

At first, the Malkieri had found it ridiculous to remind her to eat or drink but found it satisfying very quickly. He realized that he loved taking care of her. Moiraine never asked much of him, and Lan owed her so much – at least in his opinion.

Yet, it was hard for him to accept her cold behavior though he wished he could keep his calm whenever she tried to push him away.

I think you're taking this all too personally. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. It only affects you if you let it.

Lan's grip around the cutlery tightened when he remembered Adeleas' words. Sometimes, he truly wanted to strangle the Green Sister. It all seemed extremely easy in her eyes. Lan should simply forget about Moiraine and her problems – forget about what they had lost. As long as it meant that the Malkieri was finally paying attention to the woman of the Green Ajah. Light, Adeleas would probably not mind should he suddenly show interest in her! He would end up in her bed faster than he could imagine.

The uncrowned king of Malkier shook his head. No. He didn't want to bed Adeleas. He wished they would have left Tifan's Well months ago. It would take years until he was ready to see that woman again. Hopefully, Moiraine wouldn't ask him to return to Tifan's Well any time soon in the future.

Suddenly, Lan realized he had reached the study room, and the door stood wide open to his surprise. Frowning, he knocked – not wanting to scare his Aes Sedai – but there was no answer.

Carefully, the Warder entered the room, noticing how quiet it was. Moiraine wasn't there. He was sure of that. They didn't have their bond anymore, yet Lan was still able to feel the presence of the Cairhien woman when she was in the same room as he was. And right now, his senses told him that Moiraine had left the room. Nonetheless, his eyes scanned the room, not wanting to oversee her should his senses play a trick on him.

Frustration rolled over him which he quickly tried to suppress. He had sworn himself not to get angry again with Moiraine's behavior. He would stay calm and be patient.

Perhaps, instead of trying to force her to speak, it is time for you to be quiet and really listen.

Really listen. What had Moiraine said to him? She had told him she wanted to eat her dinner up here. But there had been more hidden in her words. By telling him that, she had also announced that she didn't wish to join him and the others. His Aes Sedai wished to be left alone.

Although it pained the uncrowned king of Malkier to obey that wish, he placed the plate on the table. It was still filled with countless pieces of paper, maps, books, and who knew what else. Well, if Moiraine didn't like it, she could still put the papers aside. At least, Lan hoped it would be the papers and books and not her plate. That woman needed to eat!

After he had placed the cutlery beside the plate, Lan stepped back and released a heavy sigh. His Aes Sedai. Where was she now? What was she doing? What was she planning? Would she appreciate his change of mind? Would she forgive him his outburst?

Most women never recover. Most women die.

Lan gritted his teeth when he remembered Adeleas' words. He didn't want to think about Moiraine being suicidal. Yes, she had lost her connection to Saidar but would surely never… Lan's thoughts started to wander again before he could stop himself.


"Don't get close to him!"

Four Warders stood in a circle around Logain Ablar, giving him no way to run. The mad man had escaped again, and now everyone was on high alert, trying to capture him before he found a weapon.

"Take off your weapons before you close in on him!"

Lan watched how his brothers disarmed themselves without letting the False Dragon out of their eyes. He recognized Maksim and Ihvon among them. The Malkieri himself wasn't part of the circle. His place was beside Stepin, keeping his friend from killing Logain.

His friend was still grieving his Aes Sedai, and the look in his eyes was clearly speaking of murder. Stepin would gladly join their brothers if Lan would let him, though the man wouldn't hold back and search the fight with the mad man instead of calming the situation. Stepin wanted revenge for Kerene's death. And whenever Logain escaped again, Lan had to stop his friend from joining the hunt.

But what worried the uncrowned king of Malkier the most was that no Aes Sedai was around to hold Logain in place until the Warders could hold him down. Where were they?

Carefully, he touched his bond with Moiraine. A shiver ran over his body when he remembered how weak it had felt after Logain's attack in the cave. With Moiraine being heavily injured and him close to death, their bond had felt like it would break any second. Lan hadn't liked the feeling and never wanted to get that close to losing Moiraine ever again. Yet since that moment, he touched their bond carefully, afraid it could weaken again if he used to much pressure.

Lan's bondholder was close by, and the Warder felt her question through the bond. Moiraine must have felt his worry and probably wondered about the reason.

"Maksim! Watch out!"

Stepin jumped to his feet when Logain started an attack on Alanna's Warder and pushed the blonde man out of the way. Quickly, Lan stepped before his friend before he could do something stupid.

"Get out of my way!" Stepin growled.

His hands rested on his axes. The old ones had been destroyed in the battle against Logain, but it looked like he had an extra pair, and he was angry.

"Stay out of it, Stepin." Lan did his best to calm down his brother. "Let the others handle it."

"They don't handle it! They let him escape! I just need-!"

Lan placed his hands on Stepin's shoulders and pushed the man gently backward – away from the fight. "You need to stay away." His words made clear he wouldn't change his mind.

It was too much for the grieving man. Growling, he removed Lan's hands forcefully, then gave the Malkieri a hard push against the chest, sending him stumbling backward. "Don't tell me what to do!" Before Lan could regain his balance, Stepin pulled back his arm to leave his fist in Lan's face.

The Malkieri's eyes widened when he saw the fist of his friend but wasn't able to react anymore. Instead, he braced himself for the inevitable pain. As long as Stepin was fighting him, he couldn't kill Logain.

Suddenly, a painful scream escaped Stepin's lips, and Lan saw his friend crouching. The poor Warder pressed his arm against his chest while his other hand clutched his hurt arm. What had happened?

"Don't touch my Warder."

Surprised, the uncrowned king of Malkier turned his head. Moiraine had appeared with Alanna by her side, and Lan finally felt through the bond that his Aes Sedai still touched Saidar. She must have seen the danger and protected him somehow.

"Really? Again?" Alanna sighed. Her eyes were locked on Logain and the Warders. "They let him free himself again? Don't they know by now how dangerous he is?"

Stepin turned his head toward the woman of the Blue Ajah, and pure hate raged behind his eyes. "You-!"

When Kerene's former Warder took a step toward Moiraine, Lan reacted immediately, placing his body between his friend and his bondholder. This time, his eyes showed his anger too. "Don't you dare!" His voice was cold as ice. He didn't mind when he took a punch to the face but wouldn't allow Stepin to hurt Moiraine.

For a heartbeat, it looked like the other man actually considered fighting against Lan, then his body relaxed all of a sudden and his eyes closed, but he didn't fall. Stepin stood there like he was sleeping while standing.

"Lan."

Moiraine didn't need to say more. The Malkieri duck and threw his friend over his shoulder. It was easier to carry him like that.

"We'll take care of Stepin. Will you help the Warders with Logain?" The Cairhien woman asked Alanna.

The Green Sister sighed heavily. "Well, since he tries to kill my Warders, I assume I should help them before anyone gets hurt. NOT IN HIS FACE!"

Furiously, Alanna moved her hands, and a strong wind threw both Logain and the Warders – who tried to get him away from Maksim – on their backs. Lan heard Maksim gasping in relief when Logain's weight was finally taken from him. They truly needed a new strategy to deal with the False Dragon.

"No, you don't!"

Surprisingly, Logain had been the first one being back on his knees. He didn't try to escape or attack Alanna. No, the False Dragon lunged for Ihvon's dagger, then pressed the blade against his throat.

Lan was convinced that no one could stop the desperate man anymore, but the Green Sister proved him wrong. She weaved quickly, and her weaves seemed to hold the whole man in place. Logain couldn't move a muscle.

"Ihvon, take the blade off him!" Alanna was pissed, though the Malkieri couldn't say if she was pissed at the situation or about the Warders.

Moiraine touched Lan's arm gently to get his attention. "Let us leave."

But Lan couldn't pull his eyes from Logain. Silently, he watched how Ihvon pulled his dagger out of Logain's hand. A small trickle of blood ran down his throat. The man hadn't been able to cut deeply into his skin.

"Lan."

"Whenever he frees himself, he never tries to escape," Lan stated in confusion. "Every time, he simply tries to find a weapon. Not to hurt anyone, but to kill himself. Why?"

The Aes Sedai sighed but turned back to Alanna and the Warders. "When a man – or a woman – is cut off from the One Power, they eventually turn mad. It is like… a drug when we use Saidin and Saidar, filling our veins, and sometimes people burn out when they draw too much."

Frowning, Lan looked at his bondholder. Drawing too much at the One Power. People burning out. He didn't like the sound of that. "Have you ever gotten close to draw too much?"

Moiraine tilted her head slightly. "I was tempted a few times."

A chill moved over Lan's back. She had been tempted?! Gently, the uncrowned king of Malkier placed a finger under her chin and pulled her face to him. "When have you been tempted the last time?"

The Cairhien woman smiled at him softly. "Don't worry. I learned a long time ago to notice the signs."

But Lan wasn't so easily distracted. He knew Moiraine and how she twisted her words. He wouldn't leave without an answer.

Sighing, the woman of the Blue Ajah gave up. "A few days ago."

Her words were like a punch to his gut, and Lan gnashed his teeth. She had been tempted only a few days ago?! How did it come that he didn't notice it?! What had he been doing while she-?!

"I didn't have a choice. You were dying."

Lan closed his eyes when he finally understood what situation had brought his Aes Sedai close to burning out. She nearly killed herself just to help him.

Moiraine's gentle hand on his cheek made the Warder open his eyes again. "It isn't your fault," she said softly, and Lan could feel her love for him through the bond. "You didn't attack Logain. And you tried to warn Stepin. You couldn't see that coming."

The uncrowned king of Malkier felt the urge to pull the Cairhien woman into his arms. He wanted to feel her body melt against his until neither of them knew where one started and where the other ended. The past few days had been horrible, and the memory of almost losing Moiraine in that cave… it haunted Lan every waking second.

But the Aes Sedai didn't like to display physical contact in front of her sisters and their Warders. No one needed to know how close they were. So, instead of giving in to his needs, Lan returned to their original subject. "You said, using the One Power is like a drug. Does that mean that men – who are cut off from Saidin – want to kill themselves because they miss the toxic feeling?"

Moiraine smiled. "Very good. Yes, once you have touched the One Power for the first time, there is no turning back. You are able to withstand the temptation not to touch it for a while, but in the end, you will reach out for it again. It's inevitable." Moiraine's eyes turned to Logain when his screams echoed in the air. The False Dragon got tied up by the Warders while Alanna had an eye on him. "Logain won't stop killing himself. In his opinion, death is the only way to deal with his pain. And no matter how often you try to reason with him, he wouldn't listen."

Sighing, the Malkieri counted the days they would need to return to Tar Valon, and his heart sank. It would be a very long ride while they kept an eye on Logain and Stepin.

"What about female channelers? Can Aes Sedai withstand the urge?"

When Lan saw the sad expression on Moiraine's face, he knew that there was no hope for any channeler to survive such a cut.

Moiraine shook her head. "Every channelers reacts the same. Some do it quicker while others resist a little longer. But in the end, every one seeks the moment when all their pain ends."

Stepin mumbled something inaudible in Lan's back and reminded his friend about his presence. They had stood there long enough! It was time to get Kerene's former Warder to bed.

"How about we return Stepin to his tent, and then talk about our next steps?"

The Aes Sedai smiled at her Warder when she heard the hidden message in his words. It was something they had come up with. Whenever one of them suggested to have a private talk, they meant they wanted to go to their room where they could have a moment to themselves.

But since they both weren't much talkers, the phrase 'talk about our next steps' actually meant they needed physical contact to calm their nerves.

"I'd like that," Moiraine replied, filling their bond with her love for him.

Lan answered by sending his own love, then motioned for her to lead the way. He would follow her anywhere.


The Warder cursed inwardly. Now, that Adeleas' words about Aes Sedai who died after being cut off from the One Power rang in his ears, he remembered his conversation with Moiraine after the Aes Sedai had gentled Logain.

Every channelers reacts the same. Some do it quicker while others resist a little longer. But in the end, every one seeks the moment when all their pain ends.

How could he have forgotten that? Was that the reason why Moiraine had pushed him away? Had she already tried to kill himself and didn't want him to know?

Fear grasped at Lan's heart while he tried to remember if he had noticed any injuries. There had been none when they still had been in Fal Dara. Back in the Borderlands, the Aes Sedai had allowed her Warder to help her undressing, and he had been able to look at her body. There had been no injury.

The only unusual thing the Malkieri had noticed – apart from her pale skin, her non-existent appetite, and her quietness – was her unplanned walks. A few times, the man from the Borderlands had found her wandering aimlessly through the corridors, completely lost in her thoughts. She had never told him whenever she decided to take a walk, and at first, Lan had assumed she returned to her room.

After he had saved her for the third time from running into a door, the Warder ensured never to let her out of his sight again. He knew how dangerous it was to let Moiraine get lost in her thoughts. That woman was always planning, and it had been Lan who had always pulled her back to the real world. Without the bond… it was harder to find the right moment when she was close to losing herself.

Of course, Nynaeve hadn't been amused about him running after his bondholder all the time and called him 'a good dog' a few times.

Lan had ignored her biting words most of the time. Moiraine's health was more important to him than Nynaeve's jealousy. He had allowed the Wisdom to distract him and because of that he hadn't noticed when Moiraine left the fortress. It would never happen again.

So, there had been no suicide attempts in Fal Dara. But since they had reached Tifan's Well, Moiraine had started to push him away. What was she hiding from him? Did she have any injuries he didn't know about?

She burned her fingers a few times at the rope from the well, Lan remembered. But that wasn't self-inflicted. Her arms simply weren't used to the hard work.

Had the Aes Sedai acted strangely while carrying the water buckets? No, she struggled because her body was getting weaker with every passing day, yet she forced it to do such heavy work. And Tomas hadn't said anything either. Lan was certain the Warder would tell him should he notice anything unusual around Lan's Aes Sedai.

Frustrated, the uncrowned king of Malkier started to take a closer look at the study room. Why wasn't Moiraine in there? It was late, but the Cairhien woman was one of the last to go to bed. There was no way she had already given in to sleep.

Lan's hands moved over some papers, trying to find a pattern or at least an answer that could have made Moiraine leave that room. But there was nothing. Only Verin and Adeleas' books about the Karaethon Cycle and prophecies, as well as letters and maps they had collected over the years. The two sisters had collected a lot of information over the years. Every shelf was filled with…

Suddenly, Lan's eyes widen and his eyes moved over the room again. Finally, he had noticed what bothered him all this time. All that stuff belonged to Verin and Adeleas. There was nothing personal lying around belonging to his Aes Sedai. Where were Moiraine's notes? Where were her personal belongings? Why did the room look like she had never been there?

Make it yourself. And have it wherever you want.

His stomach twisted painfully. She hadn't. She wouldn't. Fear grabbed his heart in a tight grip. Light, what had he done?!

Knowing it was useless to search the room for any more clues about his bondholder's whereabouts, the Warder stormed out, aiming for Moiraine's room.

Please, let her be there! Please!


Next week we reach the moment when Moiraine leaves Tifan's Well on her own and runs into the Fades.

The next story will be uploaded on Sunday.

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