Head to head
A.N. This is by far the longest chapter yet. I enjoyed writing it, so I make no apologies for the length!
House and Cameron sat on either side of the desk looking at each other. Both were hunting for a tell, but also indulging a mutual attraction. House had thought about Cameron a lot since a stranger had attempted to murder him. He had changed physically as a consequence—caneless, stronger, fitter; but he had also changed emotionally, in that previously buried feelings had risen to the surface and were beginning to make themselves heard against better judgement. Cameron's face was never far from his mind nowadays: drinking scotch on a Friday, riding a motorbike on a Saturday, eating pizza with Wilson on a Wednesday. It was rare that the nephrologist made it a whole day without thinking of her.
And now here she was sitting before him, arms folded, hair tied back, mouth fixed in that half smile he found so alluring, white teeth visible. Her necklace was silver and a strange design, but against the smooth paleness of her skin and the red of her blouse it shone. "That's an interesting necklace", he murmured.
"I got it in Guatemala. It's meant to bring luck". Cameron wore the blouse and jewellery increasingly often. Chase had once drawn attention to the combination when they had treated a teenage boy for subacute sclerosing panencephalitis. You don't forget that diagnosis in a hurry. She had been leaning over the patient while holding him in place for the lumbar puncture, and Chase directed the boy's gaze towards an eyeful in the hope that the sight would cheer him up. Instead he had promptly fallen into a seizure. Fortunately, it wasn't having the same effect on House. Since finishing her run a few weeks back she had resolved to be slightly more forceful with her boss, more forward, to see how far she could go, and to judge House's reaction.
"And has it brought you any luck?".
Cameron tilted her head slightly. "Not yet. But I remain hopeful".
"Of course you do. Ever the optimist. Enough chat. Are you ready for your assessment, Dr. Cameron?".
"I am, but I'd prefer it if you didn't watch porn while we talk".
House replied in a beat, not bothering to question how she had found out about this. "Why? Does it make you uncomfortable?".
"No. I just don't like competing for your attention with orange, balloon-titted bimbos".
"You always have my attention, Cameron". The comment slipped out before he could think and he mentally berated himself for this lapse. Weak.
Her eyes widened slightly but she remained composed.
House cleared his throat. This was his interview and he was in charge. "I have here a few questions I am officially mandated to ask".
"Well, who are we to flaunt hospital rules? Fire away". Cameron folded her arms across her chest, eyes sparkling with mischief.
House didn't appreciate it. "Might I remind you that this is a serious interview and will be placed in your file".
"I am serious, House. I take this job and you very seriously indeed". Cameron's stern voice was at odds with her relaxed demeanour. Foreman and Chase hadn't revealed to her the progress of their own 'assessments', but they had thrown a few glances her way upon re-entering the conference room. She may not be Sherlock Holmes, but it didn't take a detective to suspect that she featured prominently in the conversations between her boss and colleagues.
Added to the fact that she had noticed House's wandering eye on her frequently of late. She suppressed a smirk as she thought back on the times he thought he was being stealthy: spying on her from the cafeteria entrance, checking the books in her bag. If anyone else had been doing this, she would consider it creepy. But she was familiar enough with House to recognise that these actions stemmed from curiosity, and she considered his curiosity in her a point of pride. Little clues helped, too—subtle perfume, a few lingering touches, the occasional extended arm stretch. House may be a genius, but he was still a man. If only he would be her man.
"Who am I kidding?", he winked, bringing her back to the present, "I lost your file ages ago. If you recall, we spoke recently about a certain frostiness between yourself and Chase. Any progress on that front?". House kept his tone conversational and his eyes fixed on the screen before him.
"Yes. Everything is resolved". Cameron wondered why she was being questioned about events several weeks in the past.
"Great. As I mentioned, everyone needs to be pulling in the same direction otherwise this thing doesn't work. Anyway, moving on...". What House really wanted to ask Cameron was her relationship status. Chase had mentioned that she was seeing a man of whom he didn't approve. If this was so, she had kept it well hidden. Nothing that House had spotted during his reconnaissance pointed to a secret dalliance but, short of actually following her home, there was no way to know for sure except by asking. "The hospital is moving to a new online system", House cringed internally but ploughed on with a breezy confidence, "and Human Resources has a few tick-box questions for all employees. We can just whizz through these...I'm assuming you still identify as White American? Yep, I can see you are as white as a ghost, still. Religion: Atheist, OK. Relationship status?".
"Is that really on there?".
"I'm afraid it is. The questionnaire is quite thorough". House tapped his foot on the floor.
"Then I'd have to say that I'm single. For now". A cryptic smile.
House took the information in his stride, carrying on with his imaginary form. Chase had been lying. Interesting. "OK. Last one: sexual orientation...?".
"I'm still heterosexual, though have you seen that new blonde nurse in paediatrics, the Maria Sharapova lookalike?".
"You too? Wilson bet me fifty bucks that he could get a date out of her by the end of the month. I'm pretty confident".
"Well, if Wilson wants a date, I'd suggest that he leaves his job and then only promise to return if she goes out with him. It worked for me". Cameron looked straight into the other's eyes as she spoke.
"I wouldn't say our date 'worked', Cameron". House met her gaze. If this was how she wanted to play it, fine. As long as he got his answers. "I'd not been on a date since disco died, but I'm pretty sure they aren't supposed to go like ours did".
Cameron adjusted the glasses on the bridge of her nose. "What are you talking about? It barely breaks into my top five nightmare outings. Anyway, I disagree with your characterisation; I got what I wanted".
"Remind me what that was again, because all I remember is uncomfortable silence and a disturbing amount of Freud". This was not strictly true. House remembered a great deal of that evening. Images of Cameron in her long black dress continued to inhabit his dreams, just as did she in the red dress worn at the hospital poker evening. He remembered too the way her hair had tumbled down her shoulders in loose tresses; remembered her scent, and the way that she had taken his breath away, caused his heart to leap in his chest. Naturally he had not shared any of this. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. I'm happy alone. House leant back in his chair, attempting to quieten his mind.
Cameron leant forwards, resting both elbows on the desk, as if countering his earlier movement away. "I got information".
"Really? Because from where I was sitting it looked like you were about to cry". The recollection caused a stab of guilt to flash through him, but he squashed it. This was no time for sentimentality.
"I won't deny that being picked apart in a restaurant was pretty unpleasant, but I brought it upon myself by attempting to engage you in that fashion. Lesson learned". Still she was leaning towards him, chin resting in cupped hands. This position had caused the necklace to swing loose, and with it her blouse billowed out slightly.
It took a supreme effort of willpower for House not to glance down her top. I should get a damned medal for that. "Excellent", he replied. "So, you've finally decided to give it up, eh? Move on to pastures new?".
"Not quite. All I can do is wait for you to come to the proper realisation on your own, in your own time".
"And what realisation is that?", he scoffed derisively.
Cameron got up from her chair and moved slowly around to House's side of the desk, trailing a fingernail on the glass surface. "It's more of a twofold realisation, to be honest". She touched her necklace before continuing: "the first concerns what you think you know about me; the second concerns what you think I know about you".
"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, and if you think being mysterious will make me like you more, you're a lot stupider than I thought you were". House's tone was harsh but a large part of him liked this version of Cameron: confident, witty. Seductive. Her relative youth was probably the most significant stumbling block in his own mind to a potential closeness between the two of them. For all his unorthodoxy and non-conformity, he possessed a personal code, and he didn't think it proper to be harbouring the feelings he did, let alone the fact that theirs was already an unequal professional relationship. Things were definitely complicated. But if it could be shown that the immunologist was a woman, independent and strong in her own right, then there could be a possibility of something more. Complications could be simplified; problems could be solved. Instinctively he sat up straighter in his chair which had rolled slightly away from the desk.
Cameron noticed the subtle change in House's posture, the result, probably, of rapid invisible calculations, and her confidence grew. She was still in the middle of the desert, but there was hope in the distance. Heart hammering, she perched on the edge of House's desk in such a way that her butt almost rested on the keyboard and her legs were nestled between those of her still seated boss.
Steady, girl.
She yearned to reach out and touch his face but she didn't want to scare him off and risk rejection, so instead she held her position and looked down at him, speaking with a forced calmness: "I'm not being mysterious, Dr. House. I was just taught by a very wise man that the only way we learn is by thinking through and solving problems ourselves. If I told you the answer, I'd be depriving you of an opportunity to learn".
House blinked. She was quoting his words back at him. Only a few months ago he had invited, in Cuddy's name, a personal enemy to lecture at PPTH. Dick Weber. This man was peddling a fraudulent migraine cure and a disguised House had infiltrated the lecture and taken detailed notes with a view to a public challenge. Wilson had intercepted him, urging that he drop the vendetta. But the diagnostician had shut his friend up:
"Shhh. I'm trying to learn".
House had no idea that Cameron was even there. She must have been conducting her own covert operations. The woman was becoming more interesting by the second.
"You don't know what you're talking about. There's nothing that I can learn from you". House's voice was low, and his hands were still clasped behind his head. Nevertheless, he had not moved away from the contact, and he could feel the warmth of Cameron's legs beside his own.
"Oh, I don't doubt that you're a peerless doctor, far better than anything I could hope to be. But there are still a few things you can learn about me".
"Like what?".
"I'm not telling you that—you'll come to realisation number one in your own time".
House rolled his eyes. "And what was the second realisation again? I forget".
"What you think I know about you", Cameron finished.
"That's easy. You think I can be fixed. You think I have a deep inner pain that can be healed with a bit of tender loving care. You think beneath this tough outer shell is a teddy bear just waiting to be set free".
"Wrong. I'm interested in you. I find you fascinating, infuriating, annoying".
House opened his mouth to speak but she held up a hand.
"But I also find you magnetic. Unique. You are flawed, but so am I. And because of this, I would never try to change who you are". Cameron increased the pressure on House's legs with her own, forcing them wider, and looked into his eyes. She couldn't decipher the emotion within them. "I would never try to change you, because I know you. You don't need fixing; you need comprehending".
"You don't know anything about me". House's voice had lost its flippant tone and he rested his hands in his lap, millimetres from Cameron's thighs.
"I know some things". She moved her own hands down, feeling the warmth from his body on her fingers, not daring to touch him yet. "I know that you push people away because you've convinced yourself that you're happy alone; that you believe happiness itself is an overrated goal. I know that you are both the strongest man I've ever met", she swallowed, "and the weakest; the bravest, and yet the most afraid".
House leapt up from his chair so quickly that it rolled backwards and collided with the bookcase, dislodging the Lupus textbook and sending it tumbling to the floor. He loomed over his subordinate, who was still seated on the edge of the desk, looking up at her boss with defiance, hands planted on the glass either side. "You think I'm afraid, do you? Do I look afraid?".
The afternoon light was beginning to fade, and the office was quiet except for the breathing of its two occupants and the faint ring of a telephone elsewhere in the hospital.
"Yes", answered Cameron simply. "You've been watching me for weeks, following me around, looking at my books, sending me on assignments, hounding my male admirers. Not once have you come to me and asked me to answer your questions. Not once have you done what you really wanted to do".
"And what's that?", asked House. He could see himself reflected in the blackness of her pupils, could hear her shallow breaths over the thud of his own heart.
"You want to touch me, House. I've seen the way you look at me. You want to feel my lips on yours and my skin under your hands. Maybe you want to do more to me". Cameron inclined her head slightly towards the other. "I may not know much, but I do know that since you've come back you've changed somehow. The others haven't noticed it, but I have. You're stronger", Cameron tore her eyes from his and glanced down at his broad chest and arms, "surer of your place in this building, slower to frown. But you're also more…", she paused, searching for the right word in the blue of his eyes, "…conflicted. You're at war with yourself, House. Something's happened, and perhaps I'll never discover what it is, but it has you scared. Scared to consider a future, scared to seek an answer to the question".
"What question?". House swallowed in a vain attempt to moisten his throat. All pretence was gone.
"The question: would I let you touch me? Do I actually like you for you?". Cameron inched forwards on the edge of the desk.
"Technically that's two questions", House joked, but neither smiled.
"Two questions, yes, but one answer", Cameron returned.
House opened his mouth to speak: tell her of the hallucination. Tell her! But the words wouldn't come. Even now, after everything he had learned over the past weeks and here today, he was plagued with doubt. He couldn't risk it; it was too dangerous, and she was too fragile. He had been broken physically and now he was healing, but he couldn't chance breaking her.
Cameron sensed his indecision and offered that trademark half smile. "I'm not going to rush you, House. I've waited over a year and I'm willing to do the same again. You wouldn't believe how many men I've rejected over that time. When you are ready to ask, I will tell; when you have fully realised what and who I am, I will be there. Until that time, we carry on as normal—I make you coffee and answer your mail; you drink my coffee and bitch about my trusting nature. Normal life in Diagnostics. Well, normal except for one thing".
"And what's that?".
"I'm not afraid of you, House", she whispered. "I'm not afraid to touch you". Cameron rose from the desk and brought her hands, finally, up to his face, the coarse hairs scraping against her fingers. "I'm not afraid of the certainty I feel that, sooner or later, we will walk the path together. It likely won't be pretty, and it definitely won't be easy. But it will be us". Cameron lightly brushed her lips to House's, breathing him in deeply. With that, she walked from the office without looking back.
House stood still for a couple of minutes, rubbing the place where Cameron had kissed him, lost in thought. At length, he turned around, picked up his Lupus textbook, and placed it carefully back on the shelf. Then, for the first time in months, he smiled a genuine smile.
The assessment was over.
