Maleficent: Mistress of Speech
[The scene opens with a shot of an eerie-looking castle as the wind blows around the snowy landscape. It then transitions to inside the castle as Maleficent is shown taking a seat on her throne]
Maleficent: Aaaaaah, this is the life…no more Santa specials, no more slipping on black ice, no more terrifying inflatable snowmen…just me, myself, and the coziest room this side of town for the rest of the holidays…[positions herself in a more comfortable position]...ah…now that's what I call a Merry Christmas…[looks toward the viewer]...huh? What are you doing here? Can't you see this is a private party…what…oooooooh, god, I forgot all about that…[sighs]...well, since it's apparently my responsibility…allow me to present this year's annual Christmas speech…AHEM! List!
[A list appears next to Maleficent as she takes it]
Maleficent: Alright…[mumbles]...introduction, talk about the past year, achievements, failures, deaths, blah, blah, blah…[tosses the list away]...well, that's enough of that, let's get down to business…you might be wondering, why am I, a being of such prestige and importance, settling for a meager role of delivering this year's past successes and shortcomings…well, in light of recent news, they needed someone of high authority to give the speech…they weren't going to settle for any of the second rate royals…normally, this sort of responsibility would fall on the queen…but…hmmhmmhmm, it turns out they needed to make adjustments, as you'll soon see…when I was told I'd be selected for this, I was quite flattered admittedly, they told me, 'it would close out the year in style'...little did I know I'd be subjected to this…but enough stalling, let's get down to talking about the year…and how miserable it was…
[Bright red numbers above Maleficent read out "2022"...before flickering out while she maintains a half-lidded stony face]
Maleficent: You know, it seems every year, we stray further from the light…all that talk about hope and fulfillment…more like a load of nonsense if you ask me…don't misinterpret my cynicism as unwarranted, I'm not the only one who shares these views…those men of Warners can testify just how dreadful the year was…let's put it into perspective…when one self-loathing entity and another self-loathing entity come together, they like to pick and choose what's appropriate…in this case, it was destroying the very thing that gave them any sort of relevance to begin with…imagine putting someone in charge who's so oblivious to what made a company successful that they end up tanking the finances faster than a tornado ripping up the suburbs of Kansas…I enjoy watching the pain and misery of others as much as the next person…but it's not as fun when I'm not the one doing it…
Daffy: THEY GAVE THE ATTENTION TO THE CHICKEN NUGGET?!
Maleficent: What the, where did you come from?!
Daffy: How many times do I have to say that I'm a wizard before it sinks into your head? But that's not important right now, I'VE got words. Since we're talking about why the year sucks so much, allow me to insert my two cents on the matter; as if things weren't bad enough with the ana-pocalypse, this year, the good ole bastards at Warner Bros decided it would be in their best interest to have a mascot of focus…naturally, you would assume it'd be me, having put up with 85 years of loyal service, mental gymnastics, and humiliating myself for the bare minimum of attention…but no…you know what they did…they gave it to him…HIM!
[An image of Tweety is shown on the wall]
Daffy: 80 years of that little squirt's inception…that's worth celebrating, isn't it? Wouldn't you know they gave him a movie…two in fact, hehe, and let's see, how many do I have…did I get anything this year, or how about my 80th anniversary…nope! Not. A. Crumb. It's aaaaall about the nugget…apparently, being there since the beginning doesn't mean a single dime to these big wig idiots, I might as well be listed as a funeral operation with these black feathers!
Maleficent: AHEM! Are you quite done yet?
Daffy: Little more; AND another thing; with how management is still busting on our asses, it's a miracle if we get anything at all in the next few years…if they screw me over for the 90th, I swear to God, I'll-
[Maleficent brings down her staff with a thrash that shakes the room]
Maleficent: No self-promotion in this speech…now, are you going to leave the premises, or am I going to have roast duck for dinner this evening?
Daffy: FINE, fine, I'm going…[mutters his way past the Mistress of All Evil]
Maleficent: Honestly, can you believe him? Sitting here trying to tell the news and he comes barging in a spiel of his own problems…why I didn't execute him on the spot, you might ask…as much as it pains me to say it, even I have a little mercy in me…and since it's the season, I'm holding back…any other time of the year and he wouldn't have been so lucky…you know, luck is something that a lot of people take for granted…if you should ask any of my associates, some of them are running out of it and then some…I'm sure you all know about the subject revolving around-AHEM-certain renovations…mostly because people will never stop talking about it…seems the times are catching up with the Briars as everyone's favorite princess Tiana takes centerstage where they once stood…quite frankly, the situation doesn't concern me in the slightest, since I know the main reason is over something our beloved company still struggles with in this day and age…telling the bloody truth. They're not alone in this…rather than be clear with their intentions, they think hiding under a rug is the most feasible solution…that's the cold hard truth…why do you think they're pretending their own creations don't exist?
[Several images of Brer Fox, Brer Bear, Brer Rabbit, Pocahontas, Si, Am, and Shun Gon are shown with their eyes blacked over]
Maleficent: Nothing says insecurity like a group of old men twirling pencils up their arses when they're not spouting out false promises, the kind that would make even Scar turn pale. Really, my dears, do you honestly believe they care beyond what you can put in their wallets? I might not care much in general, but at least I'm honest about it. Better to deliver the facts than sugarcoat some meaningless dribble pandering to the masses. Of course, nobody believes much in honesty these days, now one can just say whatever comes to mind and the spineless drones will rally behind whatever hogwash spews out of their putrid mouths. Believe me, I would know, imagine an important engagement being held to welcome some gifted child, inviting everyone in the kingdom, and then they blueball you from seeing it. Of course, there are ways of getting even, dark magic is a wonderful thing, hmmhmmhmm. When all else fails, rely on a spell to knock out an entire kingdom, so long as there's no intervention.
[A flashback to Sleeping Beauty where Aurora and the rest of the kingdom are shown knocked out plays over Maleficent's description before cutting back to reality]
Scar: Hmph, you can say that again.
Maleficent: OH! What on Earth?!
Scar: Well, seeing as you were discussing the latest in past mistakes, I can speak from experience. When you think one inconvenience is gone, another one pops up to throw a wrench in your plans…a feeling I've had for most of my existence, and one I imagine others have felt at least once…at least they've never had to endure a flaming hell pit at the hands of a disgruntled nephew who's been festering in the wilderness for most of his life…eugh, peasantry.
[An image of Scar and Simba's duel is shown over the voiceover]
Maleficent: …You know, it's rather rude to interrupt someone when they're talking.
Scar: Well, lucky you weren't talking just then. Besides, I have as much dirt to dish out from the nonsense I've seen from this year, and the rest.
Maleficent: Scar, I'm going to give you two options; you can either leave peacefully and I'll resist executing you…or I'm going to have a new rug to stand on.
Scar: [clears throat] In that case, I have an important engagement I need to attend…
[Scar silently leaves Maleficent behind as she rolls her eyes]
Maleficent: [sighs] Pitiful…though I empathize to an extent…in his case, it's not easy being left to the wayside…which can easily be said for how much art has been abused this past year…oh yes, you know what I'm talking about…we couldn't stop at trying to replicate vintage portraits with dull and colorless footage that's mostly comprised of computer-generated images…now, we're replicating the same art and cashing in on it…who needs to actually put a brush to pastel when you can just take what isn't yours and claim as your own "professional" art. Yes, I imagine it must feel good feeding off the latest in technology to hide the fact you're a talentless leech who can't draw anything beyond bloody stick figures. Also, I'm not one for political dribble, really, I'm not, most of the time, it's because someone needs to voice their opinion on a matter that's so great, it ends up setting the whole Congress on fire. And believe me, I'm not the one causing it, as much as the thought humors me, but, there's the elephant in the room…the ongoing crisis in Europe…yes, I know all about it…all I can say on the matter is…well, this'll give the lovebirds something else to relate to.
[A map of Europe is shown with the countries of Germany and Russia in particular being highlighted]
Exile: Watch what you say!
[Maleficent looks from left to right to see Blitz and Exile standing on either side of her]
Maleficent: Oh, for Christ's sake, not again…
Blitz: We've already been trying to forget everything going on in the world, don't you dare bring that up.
Exile: Lordski knows the near mental breakdown I had over the first hearings, don't remind me of it.
Blitz: Hmph, this place is awfully depressing. You'd think someone died up in here.
Exile: You're not wrong, they closer than you think.
Blitz: Oh? Oooooooh, right, because she-
[Maleficent brings down her scepter once more, shaking the room and causing Blitz and Exile to look wide-eyed at each other before looking at Maleficent and then back at each other]
Exile: AHEM, on second thought, perhaps is bestski we carry this out somewhere more private.
Blitz: Um, ya', good idea, let's so, c'mon, she's giving us the eye…
[The Doberman and Husky awkwardly walk away from the evil fairy as she watches with silent contention]
Maleficent: I'm going to have a meltdown by the time this is over…mark my words…[sighs]...okay, I'll be generous…for a change of pace, let's move onto something a little more light-hearted.
[The screen reads "Obituaries"]
Maleficent: Oh, of course…well, might as well talk about everyone that's died this year, or at least notable figures anyway…
?: Oooooooh, did someone mention "death"?
[Maleficent looks from side to side and then ahead]
Maleficent: AH!
[Hades appears in front of the dark fairy]
Maleficent: Hades, what…I swear to God, the next person who barges into this room's getting a specter through their skull!
Hades: Hehe, oh don't mind me, just being an all-powerful entity allows you access to any place at the flick of a-[looks ahead to see Maleficent glaring at him]-uh…ahem, don't worry about that, Miss Master of Destruction, hehe, after all, they say spending the holidays with someone close to you is tradition, hehehe.
Maleficent: Ooooooh, dear God, I am so very done with all of this! If it isn't for the fact that I've been constantly interrupted doing this stupid speech, I've got you coming up with some pudding brain scheme to lead me into a corner and bombard me with a slew of lousy old one-liners! You still think I want to subscribe to your Hell's Castle tour from now till next Tuesday?!
Hades: AHEM, well, that's not entirely true, you've humored the idea before, said it yourself.
Maleficent: My dear, let me make it clear why I said it…so you could bugger off back to the hellscape from which you came. I've just about had enough of people talking over me, this was supposed to be my speech, I just wanted to get it over with, and I can't do it with idiots constantly popping up and testing my patience! Well, not this time, my little lump of ancient ashes, I'm nipping this in the bud while I still can, and I'm going to make sure you remember what I say to you, what I say to all of you, for once…[looks up]...HEY! YOU! TRACK CHECK! You know what to do…
[The instrumental to "Baby, It's Cold Outside" begins to play]
Hades: Huh, that doesn't sound like Matthews and Jones…oh, circle of doom be damned, that's not my special romantic mix!
Maleficent: No, it's my special warning mix…I'm ready for you this year…now let me put my feelings across in a way that even your simple minds can understand;
You really can't stay
Hades: But Mal, it's cold outside
Maleficent: You have to go away
Hades: Mal, it's cold outside
Maleficent: This evening has been
Hades: Was hoping I could come in
Maleficent: Not very nice
Hades: Please understand the ground's thick with ice
Maleficent: Pain will start to worry
Hades: Olympus' sake, what's the hurry?
Maleficent: And Panic will be pacing the floor
Hades: Can't ya' hear that blizzard roar?
Maleficent: So really you'd better scurry
Hades: Tell me, what's the hurry?
Maleficent: All the reason to get out soon
Hades: It's not even full moon!
Maleficent: You really must see
Hades: Mal, it's bad out there
Maleficent: Not as bad as me
Hades: I'll freeze my bum out there
Maleficent: I wish I knew how
Hades: C'mon, be reasonable now
Maleficent: To send you back to Hell
Hades: That won't go over well
Maleficent: I keep saying "no, no, no, sir"
Hades: It's right on the door
Maleficent: At least they'll be plenty implied
Hades: What's the sense in hurting my pride?
Maleficent: You really can't stay
Hades: Give me a break, woman, it's freezing!
Hades and Maleficent: Oh, boy, it's cold outside!
Hades: Jeez, girl, I get the point, but can ya' blame someone for different company? Better here than acting as a mod for two shrimps.
Maleficent: That'll be the least of your issues by the time I'm done. Go on, out! Out! OUT!
Hades: Hey, watch it with that thing!
Maleficent: You simply must go
Hades: But, Mal, it's cold outside
Maleficent: I've already said no
Hades: You know it's cold outside
Maleficent: Your welcome has been
Hades: Lucky that I dropped in
Maleficent: Very much overdrawn
Hades: Look out, we're in for one hell of a storm
Maleficent: The people will get suspicious
Hades: Everyone knows you're malicious
Maleficent: If you don't get a move on out that door
Hades: You really are rotten to the core
Maleficent: That world that I envision
Hades: At least reconsider your decision
Maleficent: Huh, wouldn't be caught dead with you in this room
Hades: But of course, you would with that broom
Maleficent: I say to you "go home"
Hades: Oh, not back out there
Maleficent: And please get a comb
Hades: It's hardly a party down there
Maleficent: I couldn't care less
Hades: If only they'd confess
Maleficent: And don't you see
Hades: Oh, damn this, and all that blasphemy
Maleficent: I've made it crystal clear
Hades: You're the one everyone fears
Maleficent: I'll say it with a straight face
Hades: Maybe touch up the place
Maleficent: You really can't stay
Hades: I hear, loud and clear!
Maleficent: Go on, goooooooooooooo!
OOOOOOOOOOOOUT! NOOOOOOOOOOW!
[Maleficent brings down her scepter as it shakes the room once more, this time as it causes a ring of fire as the song ends with Hades vanishing into thin air. The fire clears as the Mistress of All Evil sits back down on her throne…before beckoning the door open to show everyone she was talking about earlier standing on the other side]
Maleficent: What are you all still doing here, SHOO!
[The entourage silently leaves the entrance to the room…well, most of them, the likes of Shere Khan, Tigger, and Tigress are still present]
Shere Khan: AHEM!
Maleficent: What? I thought I told you all to scram.
Shere Khan: You seem to be forgetting an important detail about this year…something a bit obvious.
Maleficent: [sighs] If it's anything to end this speech on a high note…for those that aren't aware, this year was the Year of the Tiger…so I suppose it's only fair to commend any of those out there…well, that's done, go on, git.
Shere Khan: Hmph, cold broad…
[Shere Khan and the other tigers silently leave the premise as the focus cuts back to the fairy]
Maleficent: …You're still here? What else is there to say…alright, alright, I give…I'll wrap this up by talking about the year's successes…as few and far between as they were…while we've been met with depression, drama, degradation, sometimes all at the same time, there have been a few standouts that made this year at least somewhat bearable…for one thing, the selection of films for our enjoyment…new boundaries were pushed and to an extent, it seems they paid off…others, not so much…but I suppose they can't all be winners…mind you, I still have a favorite myself…
[Maleficent looks toward the covers of both her films on the wall]
Maleficent: In other news, we just might have something to look forward to in the new year…as much as I highly doubt it…okay, I'll end it with this; to all those who went through some sort of hardship during this year and managed to come out of it…then you're clearly doing something right…so, to all the viewers watching, I wish you all…never to come near me if I happen to catch you on the street…and have a happy new year, wherever you are, thank you…well, we're done here, begone.
[Maleficent whips her scepter to the camera, and in a flash, the screen cuts to black]
Character Guide:
Maleficent, Aurora - Sleeping Beauty (1959)
Hades, Pain, Panic - Hercules (1997)
Daffy Duck, Tweety Bird - Looney Tunes
Scar, Simba - The Lion King (1994)
Shere Khan - The Jungle Book (1967)
Blitz, Exile - Road Rovers
Brer Fox, Brer Bear, Brer Rabbit - Song of the South (1946)
Tiana - Princess and the Frog (2009)
Pocahontas - Pocahontas (1995)
Shun Gon - The Aristocats (1970)
Si, Am - Lady and the Tramp (1955)
Tigger - Winnie the Pooh
Tigress - Kung Fu Panda
