By the Bonfire: The Cost of Sin (Part II)
Finding Scathach lingering outside of Ash's room wasn't a big surprise, though the fact she was still missing her left arm and suffering from no small degree of injuries to her body while maintaining a blank expression was a touch more worrying. Though she wasn't alone as there was also Gareth standing next to her.
However, that wasn't quite what bothered Olga.
Her brows furrowed as she stared at the younger Lancer "Where is Arkon? I was under the impression that he was alerted to Ash's room?"
Gareth nodded her head "He was…" she dutifully replied, though there was a slight hint of straining in her voice as her eyes turned downcast. Olga doubted it related to the news itself as much as it related to the atmosphere regarding the return of Fujimaru. "But he said there was something much more urgent that required his attention so he passed it on to me."
Much more urgent?
What could possibly be more urgent than this?
She closed her eyes, counting up to ten inside her head and then opening her eyes once again. No, she was certain that news would have spread around Chaldea swiftly as to who they had just fought inside of the Singularity. If Arkon was not aware of it now, then he soon would be. Gwyn was his God and his King, so his loyalties were probably going to be tested.
…It would be up to him whether he maintained his status as a Servant of Chaldea, but she wasn't going to make any rush judgments just yet. She's already been proven wrong when it came to expectations of what a Servant was truly like based on their appearance and history. Besides…she was in an equally poor mood for demanding killings on Servants she couldn't ensure the loyalty of.
He was Fujimaru's Servant, the most she could do would be to ask someone to keep an eye on him until his Master awoke once again and they could address the matter more openly. The problems just continued to mount on her head, but this was the most pressing one this far.
Her eyes opened back up and moved away from the younger Lancer and towards the door, arms folded over her chest and she took in a deep breath, sending one final glance towards Scathach. Crimson eyes met hers with a cool indifference about them, then the Servant spoke up in a slightly curious tone of voice.
"You intend to step inside with them even in light of what happened?" There didn't sound as though there was any judgement in her tone, just a question being put forward. Olga was much too tired right now to try and justify her choices, they had been back from Scandinavia for less than a few hours at this point, if that. Time felt as though it had been blasting past her so swiftly but she knew it had been longer than that. It had to have been. "Hmmm. It cannot be said you lack bravery…or foolishness, whichever of the two comes first."
Olga pulled her lips into a tight frown "And I would assume you would just kill them and call it a day?" she didn't need to look at the Lancer to feel the bland look the woman sent her way.
After a moment of silence, Scathach exhaled "I am more accustomed to dealing with the likes of the undead than you shall ever know. So take heed for my words when I deliver them to you. It is a great cruelty to keep them alive and suffering, especially when their life is so unnatural to themselves." she looked at the Lancer, seeing a completely mask-like expression on her face. "His nature aside, a betrayal remains a betrayal. The vows of a Servant are not those that should be easily severed. However, if you can still place your faith in an oath breaker…then the consequences are yours to bear. I am merely the keeper."
…
She directed her attention towards Mash, the girl had barely said a word - actually, she had not spoken a single sentence beyond her first - since they left the medical office. The fact she was now here and still silent, though her expression was pulled tight into a troubled grimace, spoke volumes for what she was feeling.
If Ash had truly betrayed them…she believed they were entitled to an explanation.
They deserved that much from him at the very least.
Though doubt still coloured her every thought, the mere idea that Ash could betray them was virtually alien to her.
You thought the same of Lev.
…There was that as well. She had thought the same of Lev, never once considering the idea he could betray them, he might not even have done so of his own volition if the prevailing theory that he was possessed by a Daemon was correct. If he was, and if he did betray them, then that meant what was puppeting Lev's body was the thing that betrayed her and not the man himself.
…That would be almost too convenient though, wouldn't it?
She set those thoughts aside for the time being, difficult as they were to remove, and focused instead on the upcoming meeting. Whether or not Ash had truly done anything of his own volition or had been forced into action would soon be revealed to her. Though if he had betrayed them of his own volition then…then…
…then what?
…Logically, she knew what she was supposed to do. The choice was remarkably simple, they were here to protect humanity and Fujimaru was their last proper hope. She could barely cope inside a Singularity that was made purely to test her skill and she hadn't even truly beaten Kalameet in the end. He had been made to kill himself in front of her before they could ever have a proper chance.
It hadn't even been that long ago, when he was forced to do that, her mind still lingering on his words.
A breath left her nose, long and exasperated, her eyes closed and then opened once more. The door that was in front of her never seemed more imposing than right this second, she knew what was on the other side. She knew that if she opened this door, there would be no turning back. The events of the Singularity would be firmly fixed in place.
The desire to just turn around and walk away wormed its way into her thoughts, but was quickly forced to vacate as her mental strength took hold. If Ash was a traitor…then she would face him head on.
She reached towards the controls of the door, unfolding her arms as she did so and pressing the panel. There was a short silence, a single electronic hum rang out through the corridors that pulsed through her entire body and bounced around inside her head. The sound played on repeat as she watched the doors slide open in slow motion, hissing as the seal broke all the while.
It didn't feel as though the world had slowed down, but she watched the door move with a painless lethargy to it. Never being more conscious of the length of time it took to open until right this moment. When it finally did so, her eyes roamed to the interior of the room and instantly fixed themselves on the figure currently sitting in the back corner just next to the bed, on the floor and resting their body on the wall.
Once more, his vandalism was noted as she saw a plain steel sword buried in the floor just in front of him, right next to the weapon lay two rings, one black and one grey. She didn't care much for either of them at the moment, quickly dismissing them and focusing her attention fully on the Saber, who had not yet even reacted to the opening door nor her presence in the room. Though, admittedly, she had not spoken.
She stepped inside, then frowned as she beheld the extent of the damage he had suffered. Barely having been aware of it from when she was here, but she was certain it had been worse when they returned to Chaldea, much worse. For one thing, it was only his armour that now carried proof he had been struck with weapons, all else was bereft of wounds. Though she quickly chalked that down to his ability of healing with fire.
As she stepped into the room, she noticed that his head flinched ever so slightly at the sound of her boots on the floor, still set out for the winter mission in Scandinavia and prepared for long hiking, the shoes were rather heavy, giving dull thuds as she moved further into the room and then fell to a halt not too far from him. By comparison, Mash might as well have glided in from how silent her footsteps had been.
It wasn't until she was standing in the room that she realised just how silent Ash was, his eyes closed and expression devoid of emotion, she would have thought him dead were it not for the fact that he technically was already. It made sense in her mind that he wouldn't be like other Servants, considering his ghoulish nature, but at the same time they at least kept up the illusion of needing to breathe. Ash was silent as a statue and just as flexible, content to remain in his fixed position while she stared at him.
…No words sprung to mind.
There had been perhaps a dozen thoughts running through her mind before she got here but now that she was, she experienced a complete loss for words. It was as though a thousand sentences tried to spill forth but all ended up getting trapped in her throat before they could get very far, before they could even leave her mouth. She parted her lips, making an effort to speak but finding no sound coming to her.
"...You're recovered." She commented after a split second, then grimaced at her words. Stating the obvious at a time like this was hardly the smartest thing she could be doing but there was nothing else for it. That was the only sentence she could provide that didn't stumble and get lodged inside her. Yet Ash gave not even the slightest hint he had even heard her, not even a twitch. "...Fujimaru will recover, Romani assures me he is physically well."
Again, nothing.
She was starting to get a little irritated now.
"We're running through the data that Mash retrieved from the Singularity as well as confirming first hand accounts from those present." Olga paused for a moment, once more searching for anything. "...Those who remain alive, at any rate." once again, not even the slightest hint that he even heard her.
"...Some of these accounts are startling." Her next words came out slow, vague enough to give him the chance to speak up but still holding a great deal of implication in them. They both knew what she was talking about, he had to at least. So all he had left to do was open up and actually talk to them about what he had experienced. It would be nothing more than a simple matter of him just opening his mouth and actually speaking to them.
Yet again, he gave no indication that he even heard them. Saying nothing to either of them and making no effort to move. Whatever restraint that Olga had officially withered away and died, the leniency followed and she found herself taking in a sharp breath as she clenched her hands into fists, eyes narrowing solely onto the face of the Saber and stomping her foot. "Answer me, dammit! I've got several Servants outright telling me that you betrayed Chaldea! I've got one of them calling for your death and another standing right outside your door just in case that is needed!"
Waving a hand at him, she continued on "To make matters worse, your entire Saint Graph is up in the air and your spirit origin is destabilised! There's no telling if you're going to survive the next day or not. So just tell me what happened down there and we can put this entire mess behind us!"
Ash twitched ever so slightly at her words, turning his head in her direction but keeping his eyes closed. "...Behind us…?"
She exhaled, finally getting somewhere. It took long enough, that was for sure. "Yes." she nodded once, after all the pieces of the puzzle had fallen into place comfortably enough that they could provide extenuating circumstances for him and his actions, especially with the Goddess interference being all but confirmed by now. "I already know that Solomon interacted with you in the Singularity and the entire ordeal was constructed to mentally torture you into a state of emotional duress…while I cannot comment on the fact you broke, the fact remains that it was designed to encourage that destructive behaviour."
Ash remained silent for what felt like hours, eventually turning his head back to its original position and letting it go, it slipped backwards and thudded against the wall behind him. "...Is that what you believe happened?"
…Is that what she believed happened?
Is that what she believed happened!?
"I don't know what happened!" She snapped back at him, stamping her foot down "I don't know what happened because you've all been out of communication for days! What I do know is what I saw, and what I saw was you very nearly dying to save Fujimaru's life and now I'm being told that you also tried to take it earlier!"
The entire notion was laughable to her, except not really. If it was a joke it wasn't a very good one.
"Hearing that the Servant who has been with Chaldea the longest next to Mash, who has accompanied Fujimaru through every engagement, would turn around and try to kill him is something that I require physical proof of!" Stepping forwards, she waved her hands towards him "Some actual proof from trusted individuals and Mash has…" she trailed off, clenching her jaw. Mash had confirmed Ash tried to kill them as well, but had also confirmed that he did save them as well. Which just gave credence to the idea he was under some sort of mental effect.
Shaking her head, she focused her full attention on the Saber "Just give me something…" she very nearly begged, or pleaded or whatever else one would call it. "Tell me that it was Solomon who forced your hand or-or that it was that vile Goddess we currently have locked away somewhere in Chaldea!" she very nearly shrieked out with hysterics, but she couldn't care less right now. "Just tell me anything so that I don't have to think of you as another traitor to Chaldea! Ju-just give me something to keep the naysayers at bay! Something! Some reason that I can accept!"
More than that-
"Just give me a reason to believe you're not like Lev…" That came out as little more than a whisper, her lip quivering before she clenched her jaw and stopped the spasm of muscle. Breathing in and out deeply as she focused on the expression of the Saber, watching as the brows of Ash tightened for a split second and an almost uncomfortable look filtered across his face before it evened out to its original one.
"...Sorry."
…
"Sorry?" Olga parroted right back to him, the word tasted like dirt in her mouth and felt like it had the weight of lead, staring straight into his face. "That's all you have to say for yourself? J-just sorry? What are you-what am I supposed to do with an apology!? I'm giving you a chance to-to just come clean! To explain that you're not a traitor, to-"
"Olga." That was it, that was all he needed to say.
She knew what he meant, because of course there would only be one meaning to his words. One single meaning to whatever he was saying that could be interpreted. Something surged through her in the wake of his one word sentence. Whether it was betrayal, fury or just deep resignation, she didn't know, but everything felt hollow. It just didn't make sense to her, the equation wasn't adding up in her mind. He had been with them since the very beginning. He had saved her life when it would have otherwise been impossible he had-
He had-
…He had just visited her when he didn't need to. Seemingly going out of his way just to stop by where she was for no other reason than to just check up on her. She wasn't even his Master and he went out of his way to do that. His reasons didn't make much sense if he was always planning to betray them from the start, but then if he was going to do that then he had ample opportunity to do so. It just…it didn't make sense to her unless Solomon did something, or that Goddess.
Either one of them could have messed with his mind but he seemed to be adamantly rejecting the idea that he wasn't acting as though he was under mental affliction. Which was a rather stupid thing for him to do, all things considered. She was practically handing him a chance to blame Solomon for all his if she didn't believe he was innocent but…
But if he was guilty then…
Taking in a deep breath, she closed her eyes, keeping them so tightly shut together that not even a faint trickle of light could pierce through the gap between her eyelids. The silence returned in force, stretching out as she felt something lodged into her throat. If she asked this then it really would all be over. Silently pleading that he would just take the explanation provided.
At least, the emotional part of her was.
The logical part took over once more.
"...Why?"
The fact he didn't reply for a moment irked her for more than it should have, no it should have angered her more. She should have been furious, in comparison with the rage she demonstrated with the Goddess earlier, this should have eclipsed that a hundred times over. This was an individual they had trusted to help safeguard humanity, to help them through the incineration of mankind, and he just outright admitted to betraying them even when he could have placed the blame solely on the shoulders of whatever the Goddesses name was.
Restraint gave way to anger, she stomped across the room until she was directly in front of the Saber and glaring down at him, or would have been if his eyes weren't closed. That same expression devoid of emotion still painted across his features, as though he didn't care one bit what was going on and was just there for the heck of it.
The least he could do was answer her question when she asked it, they deserved the barest hint of an explanation from him and even some ounce that he cared. Something from him but instead all she saw was nothing. There was nothing in his expression and with his eyes closed, there was clearly nothing to see there either. He had gone through the trouble of healing himself so that must have meant something but she didn't know what. Especially considering that a traitor wouldn't be in such a calm situation.
"Why?" She demanded once more, the words coming out much harder this time, hands clenched into fist and muscles trembled, her arms hung by her side as she felt fire course through her veins. The ever silent Saber remained completely unwilling to give her anything, opening her mouth once more-
"It doesn't matter anymore."
She blinked, barely even registering the fact he had spoken at all, barely even noticing just how hollow his voice actually was. Instead she stared at him as the words bounced around inside her head for a few seconds, then she slowly turned her attention towards Mash, just in case she had been hearing things and hadn't received the single worst answer that she could have received from the Servant.
Judging by the strained look on the face of the girl, and the fact she was sending her own disapproving glare towards Ash - Olga had never seen Mash so emotive before, not like this at any rate - it was clear that she hadn't been hearing things. Her neck turned like rusted gears, shifting the direction of itself back towards the Saber and looking down at him. Her nostrils flared and hot air blasted out of them.
"Repeat. That. Again." Her voice came out a dangerous hiss, restrained fury lining her every word. She took a single step forwards, then leaned down slightly when he made no sign to speak. "I said to repeat that. Because I could have sworn that you said something…" there were no words to describe what she felt, nothing sprung force. Describing the emotions she was feeling, the sheer scope of her fury, would have been like describing colour to a blind man.
There was no curse that existed in any language, living or dead, that could possibly describe her torrent of emotions.
"I said it doesn't matter." The empty voice of Ash repeated "My reasoning means nothing now. The facts remain. I am a traitor to you. I betrayed the trust you placed in me and betrayed the duty I had sworn to you…" there was a brief pause before he made a noise, she could have sworn it sounded like a chuckle but it contained none of the mirth. A sound disguised as amusement to hide away the disgust. "...I seem to have failed all my duties as of late."
"I-is that it!?" Her voice reached new highs as she screamed at him, though he didn't even flinch, her arms flying up and gesturing wildly to him. "Is that the best you can come up with!? You don't even have an explanation for us! You betray everyone at Chaldea then just walk back here and go 'I don't have a reason that matters' and expect me to just accept that and start dolling out judgement!?"
She pointed squarely at him "What did you even come back to Chaldea for if you're such a traitor!?"
Ash's reply came a bit faster this time around, but the contents were just as disturbing to her, "When Lev Lainur betrayed you, the opportunity for justice was lost." his shoulders rose and fell slightly, she felt her blood go from fire to ice within a split second. "I would not wish to do that to you a second time. So I returned. You deserve that much from me-"
"You dolt! Idiot! Halfwit! Oaf! Bastard!" She spat every single curse she knew at him, all of them effortlessly flying from her mouth. The fact that she wasn't the only one in the room meant nothing to her, her pride meant nothing to her in this one second. "You come back here just to die and then don't even offer a single explanation for yourself! Y-y-you think that I'm just going to accept that you turned around and betrayed all of Chaldea for no reason whatsoever!?"
Her arm flew to the side, gesturing towards Mash "After all she went through to defend you from ones who demanded your death-"
"Sulyvahn, I imagine…" Ash interrupted her with a tired voice, then hummed to himself "An odd time it is, that I agree with his words-"
She snapped again "Shut up! Stop talking about dying or being executed or whatever else you're thinking of doing right now!" her hand returned to her side, stepping backwards she took in a deep breath before she turned around, her left arm moved upwards towards her face, her fingers running along her face and covering it for a few seconds, releasing a breath, she brought the limb back down and whirled around to face the Saber. "I-is this some sort of misplaced pride? Is that it? Are you accepting death before dishonour or something ridiculous?"
He gave no indication of responding.
"We have a Goddess in Chaldea who outright admitted to trying to break you mentally." Approaching him once more, she pointed her finger to him "She's the one who made the Singularity specifically to attack your mind, it was made to break you and it broke you, even without whatever Solomon did to you." she came to a halt, exhaling "I am trying to explain to you that-"
Ash's voice came out clipped. "Is that what you believe? That Velka played with my mind or that Solomon cast some ancient spell upon me to turn me against my allies?" the eyes remained closed, yet his features tightened. Olga's own eyes flickered down to his hands, watching as they balled themselves into fists.
Yet, as swiftly as the emotion had entered his body, it departed just as swiftly. "...I cannot tell you that because it is not true. My actions were my own."
He kept saying that again and again but wouldn't provide a single point of explanation as for why she should believe that. At present, she had more reason to believe that he was simply trying to hide away his shame for being manipulated and wishing to die first rather than to admit such a thing. She knew many were prideful but she wasn't in a position to entertain someone's pride right now, especially when it came to the fate of humanity. That no longer mattered anymore, neither in the face of King Solomon nor in this Gwyn.
"...I don't believe you."
Ash sighed "Olga-"
"No." She cut him off with a sharp tone, shaking her head from side to side and staring down at him. "If you're going to cling to this belief, then explain to me why you sided with Chaldea against Gwyn? If you were so set on killing Fujimaru and the others? Where was that ultimate Noble Phantasm I saw deployed against the authority of a God?" she stamped her foot "Why did you not unleash that right from the start? What could Mash have done in the face of power like that!?"
His head turned down ever so slightly.
"So no. I don't believe you. I don't believe you're a traitor or whatever else you're claiming to be." Waving her hand as though to physically dismiss his words, she curled her lip down into a frown. "I just think you're trying to save face or redeem your wounded pride-"
"What pride?" Ash cut her off sharply, the hands clenched once more and tight enough that she could hear the creak of metal. "What pride? What do I have to take pride in? What have I ever achieved that I could take pride in?" When she gave no answer, he scoffed. "No, Olga…this isn't about my non-existent pride. This is about me and my choices…and my choice to kill Fujimaru. Without the interference of Velka or Gwyn…I would have fought until I killed him."
He turned his head to the side "...That sword would have been pointless because I needed him to see just how feeble his position was. Just how…small…his desire was in the face of my ideals. I needed him to see he was wrong."
Mash spoke up this time, for the first time since she entered the room. "But why?" She stepped forwards, her voice dripping with many contradictory emotions, there was as much accusation in her words as there was grief. "I don't understand Ash-san, why would you? You said all these things that I don't understand-"
"It…" Ash shook his head from side to side "...It is not something I can explain-"
"Enough of that excuse!" Olga snapped, throwing her hands up and ending his sentence before it could be finished. She had enough of hearing him say that, no more skirting around the issue or diving into 'it doesn't matter' or 'they wouldn't understand'. She just wanted a straight answer from someone, just something that she could actually understand and could control. "No more of those feeble reasons or dodging the question! You want to be judged? Then explain to me why you turned traitor! Explain why you tried to kill your Master!"
Stamping her foot one final time, her words came out as a cracked snarl "Explain to me why I shouldn't just dismiss this as outside interference upon one of our Servant Roster?"
Ash didn't say anything, not for a few moments at least. Then he did. "...Yes. It was my choice." he slowly turned his head back to them, leaning it back and thudding it against the wall. "Solomon showed me human history. All of human history. After he did that…I had no choice but to betray you. I chose to betray and kill you. He barely did anything more than break my Contract with Fujimaru, I did the rest."
So he said but he had no reason to do that, no reason whatsoever that he could possibly offer that would make sense to her. Not least because he had never displayed a proper issue in the past so turning around at this junction seemed bewildering to say the least. "But why?"
"Why? That is…" Ash trailed off, a complicated look passing across his features for a split second before it faded away, replaced only by resignation. "...I am made to follow duty. It is not just what I do, it is what I am. To follow duty is...it is the only thing that gives my life value. That is how Gwynevere - mother - raised me to believe and she took exceptional care in ensuring I believed it as well, from the moment I was born."
That certainly seemed like a lot but that wasn't an explanation, not truly. It provided one for himself at least.
He continued speaking, his body remaining stationary. "Even without being aimed in the direction of whatever goal Mother intended, that fact of me remains. I must devote every ounce of my being towards this goal, if I do that...then my life has value."
…That sounded like some of the research back at the clocktower that she knew of. Those who strove for a single goal and devoted all of their being to achieving it. She would probably say her father was the same. He devoted everything to Chaldea, all his time, and all his energy. Nothing else mattered for him, the dream of the Animusphere family came first and…she was probably in the midst of doing the same.
"Everything else falls to the wayside, wants, desires, ambitions, all of them become irrelevant to me. My duty is all I need because it was all I was made to need." Ash exhaled, shaking his head from side to side and then lowering it, hiding away his expression with a downcast "I know that but...But...the conditions of my world forced that existence on everyone else."
Olga watched him, his hands clenching open and shut.
"They had to become fixated on duty or they would Hollow. They would lose themselves to madness and then...then they become a scourge on the world that needed to be put down. That would happen to anyone. Becoming singularly focused on a task and never losing sight of it in order to retain sanity, to retain humanity."
He slowly pushed himself upwards, though it was at such a slow pace that she had little reason to be alarmed. Less so when he reached out and picked up the two rings off the floor, cradling them in his left hand and presumably opening his eyes, though she couldn't see as he turned his body away from her, staring down at the palm containing the jewellery.
"All personal desires, wants, ambitions...they had to be rejected because through them led the path to madness and death. Not just for yourself but everyone. So...all undead had to focus on it."
His hand clenched into a fist, trapping the rings. "Find that duty and live."
"...Not everyone did, obviously." He made a noise that sounded very akin to shame as he turned once more, she stepped back and watched acutely as he walked past her for the far end of the room, moving towards the desk and stopping just shy of it. "I killed...thousands of Hollows during my short time."
…She wasn't aware the number was that high, and if his words thus far were any indication, what he had killed was effectively the insane who could not cope with a cursed existence. Not that she could blame them for that, devoting one's entire existence towards a single goal and ignoring all else was hardly a way to live. Much less forced into, it was the existence of…of a slave. Humans weren't like that.
Ash broke her thoughts with a sigh, continuing on with his words. "But I digress. I was...I was content with my existence." nodding to himself, he dropped his arms back to his side. "Strange as that might sound to you. Especially considering I lived with the curse but as long as I had my duty I...I knew where I was. I knew what I was. I...I needed nothing else."
His jaw visibly clenched. "I saw the same in everyone else. It became simple. Follow duty and live. Stray from duty and perish but...looking back on it…"
He leaned forwards, resting his fists on the desk and putting his weight behind them, dropping his shoulders and hanging his head. "I thought everyone was like me. I thought everyone who followed duty felt the same as I but...you don't...I didn't realise how different you are."
…Of course he didn't. Because he hadn't been raised to think any differently. That was just common sense, that's what encountering other humans was all about. Forming those social interactions and understanding just how different you were. Except he apparently lacked that, her brows furrowed as she watched him. Raised for a single purpose and devoid of all else…
Her eyes drifted towards Mash for a split second before they returned to the Saber.
"Solomon showed me human history, he showed me what humanity is and I...I saw all those who I killed, all those I had to kill. Those hollows who lost their duty, who lost themselves, and fell to ruin. I saw all those humanity killed in their quest for self-satisfaction again, and again, and again, and again...I saw all of it."
He was silent for a moment, then he turned his head in their direction ever so slightly, his voice coming out as little more than a whisper, but it echoed across the room. "...You scare me."
She opened her mouth, but he gave her no time.
His voice turned hard.
"And I...I pitied you. Thinking you were foolish, that you were idiotic for so rigidly pursuing a life that rejected that same sense of purpose I felt." His words came out stern, frustration gave way to exacerbation, which turned to resentment. "You know what you are though, you know what you live to be."
Pushing off the table, he stepped back and squared his shoulders. "I know what I am. I know what I am, I can see it more clearly than ever before. I have peace. I'm content because that's what I am made to be. Content with existence and nothing else but that is all that remains." There was a brief pause before he made a noise of understanding. "I understand now that I have no reason to live."
"That's not true Ash-san!" Mash snapped at him, stepping forwards "There's plenty of things that you-there had to be something for you to-"
"There isn't." He cut her off coldly, not even turning to face her as he denounced her words without a moment of hesitation. "I am akin to those in the Painted World. They have no reason to live because the end at a point of zero. All that remains for them is just…existence. They have nothing else, they live to achieve nothing else, they will never strive to achieve anything because that is not possible for them."
His shoulders slumped. "...I have no reason to live and every reason to die." he exhaled, brittle and dusty. "But this is not an excuse for my betrayal. It is a confession of existence. My very being. I understand, finally, what I am and what you are."
Bringing his left hand up, he revealed the black ring held in between his fingers, turning it over in his grip and seemingly examining it. Her own eyes narrowed at it, the crafting certainly looked skilled and she could feel there was something different about it even at this distance. Back with a ruby red jewel on the top, an impressive item.
"You all had something other than duty to strive for, some wish that made your lives worth living. I had a duty to keep me content, to keep me placated, to make me tolerate any hardship."
He carelessly tossed the ring onto the desk, turning away from it as it clattered about before falling still. "And I know why."
He moved back across the room until he was before the sword implanted in the floor once more, though he didn't make an effort to reach for it. "Because as long as I had duty, I would...I would wish for nothing else. I would develop no bonds, have no wish, have no desire...nothing to distract me from my end goal of dying."
'He was hearing voices in his head telling him to commit ritual suicide.'
She felt cold.
"I don't understand you."
She felt sick.
"I don't understand what drives you."
It was like she was going to throw up, a taste of acid in the back of her throat the longer she stared at the Saber.
"I don't understand why you keep going."
…The worst part was he didn't sound angry.
"But...I don't get to." He sounded so casual, so uncaring, so…empty. "Because I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to die without regrets, to willingly walk to my doom without the chance to doubt anything."
His hand reached out, fingers ghosting along the pommel of the sword before they retracted, he turned his back on them once more. "...Except that was all for nothing. I was branded unfit for the very purpose I had been engineered for and was burnt to cinders and left as less than nothing." He paused for a moment, then made a small gesture with his hands "Until I was brought back with that duty. So desperate was the flame that it would even tolerate my failed existence walking the world once more."
Another breath. "Even if I was raised without my memories, perhaps that was because there was nothing worth remembering, I still kept that belief ingrained into every fibre. I…wore those chains in my very blood. With that belief that my existence, our existence, was to strive for this duty and I saw nothing to convince me otherwise."
She wanted to say something to him but there was just something that compelled her to stay silent. He had never spoken about himself before.
"All unkindled and undead spoke of their duty with such importance I...I thought this way of living was universal. I had no reason to believe not to." His hands clenched into fists once more, he hunched slightly and his body trembled, his voice shook, but there was still no fury in his words "...It wasn't. It was the product of a world designed to crush the human spirit...that's what the Dark Sign is. That's what it does."
He went still. "The wording matters. The Dark Sign seals away humanity." He chuckled "Everything that stems from humanity. All those desires, those inhibitions, that I lack, that fixture on being content...I am just the end result of that. The final product the Gods made on the world. The human who rejects ambition and focuses on duty. Who strives for nothing more than quiet contention."
He turned and faced them, his eyes closed and his expression blank. "...So that is why I tried to kill Ritsuka. That is why I tried to kill humanity. Because I didn't want you to live any other way to me. Because I...thought, probably still think, that you are going to suffer for all time because of it. My duty, my reason for existence now, is to prevent that from happening." He reached up, thumping a finger into his chest with a metallic drum.
Ash turned from them once more, lowering right hand while he waved his left at them. "Can you look back on all human history and tell me that it is bloodless and peaceful?" She didn't even get the chance to speak. "I know you can't. Neither can I." He paced in silence before coming to a stop, his hand reaching out and placing the flat of his palm on the wall, there was something in his voice when he next spoke.
"But you...you achieved so much more than us. You rejected the Gods. You reached the heavens." The final words were delivered with clear amazement "You went to the moon." then it abruptly vanished. "...We couldn't even pull ourselves away from the dirt."
Ash pulled his hand from the wall sharply, "...Doesn't matter now, I failed in my duty to serve Ritsuka as a Servant. I failed in my duty to prevent human suffering." he released a noise of frustration "Living like me, living how I thought you should live, would only make things worse for you...It is what it is."
Olga couldn't take it any more "That can't be it!" she hotly refuted, perhaps born of desperation because what he described was nothing more than a homunculus in the skin of a human. Perhaps if he had been one, her response would have been lesser. But the way he described it was…just wrong. "You had-had to want something of your own! You can't have gone without wanting a single thing!"
There had to be more than that, there had to be something else. Where did she fit into all of this? Where did dropping by her office and bothering her at regular intervals factor into all of this? "What about my life? What about when you saved me? Why did you spend all those hours visiting me?"
Ash stilled, turning his head ever so slightly in her direction. "...Saving your life was nothing more than happenstance." His words were delivered like ice and cut as sharp as any blade. "I did not go out of my way to keep you alive, the only reason I didn't consume your soul in the Rayshift chamber was because I was stood directly in front of your allies and it would have been a poor showing."
…She didn't believe that.
"Do you understand the profound implications of a creature such as myself saving a life instead of taking one?" He didn't give her a chance to answer "I had no idea what sort of life you led. What manner of existence I had just forced you into when Chaldea revived you. I know - more so than most - the cost of returning to life. I could have just as easily cursed you in some other way than save you."
His hands clenched themselves into fists, his voice rising in volume.
"I didn't want to save you. I just wanted you pass peacefully after your presumed death. Your continued survival was so far outside my expectations that I knew nothing of what I was supposed to do." He turned to her, lowering his head to hide his eyes, his right hand coming up and pressing against his chest. "You speak of my visits to you? I was ensuring that I had not caused more harm than good. Your life became my responsibility - my duty - to see that you were not suffering in pain."
Olga wavered on the spot, blinking several times as the words registered with her completely. The way in which he was speaking, what he had said thus far, it all pointed to a single conclusion. A single horrifying conclusion. "...You were judging whether or not you needed to kill me?"
If there had been any doubt, any small hope that those were not his intentions, he shattered them with a nod of the head. She felt sick.
"I will confess my small pleasure in the knowledge that my every visit ended with you appearing in genuine health." He added on almost as an afterthought. "You seemed unaffected from your death and the betrayal of your mentor…at least in terms of where your focus lay." a shuddering breath left his throat. "That is why I recognise you, why I will always recognise your every achievement when no one else will. Because good or bad, I am now responsible for what becomes of your life."
He slowly turned back around "That is what my duty would have commanded of me and I would - likely still do - feel as though it would have been the correct decision. If I had deemed that you were suffering too greatly."
She opened her mouth, yet no words emerged, how could they? He just confessed to plotting her death at every turn of their meeting. Every time they met he was sizing her up like a pig for slaughter.
…No.
"Is that really it? You just showed up every time at my office just to judge if you had to kill me?" Her voice was clipped and her vision blurry, she didn't know why and she didn't care.
"...If it were so simple, I would not be so distant." Ash's reply was slow and strained, like pulling teeth. "In spite of the way you acted, your hostile nature towards me at times-" she did not flinch, but she did come close "-I did find the experience similar yet different to Greirat. I did not wish for there to ever come a point where it was necessary."
His hand moved up, tiredly rubbing across his forehead before pulling away.
"You speak of my wants? I never said I lacked wants." He continued on with a shake of the head. "I never wanted my friend to die. I never wanted to kill anyone. I didn't want to have to kill you." He exhaled once more, this one sounding tired. "...I never wanted to exist. But it was never about my wants. Rather, I do not attach the same importance to my own wishes as you all seem to do."
"Ash-san…please don't say-" Mash cut herself off, more so when the Saber turned sharply from them.
"It was about my duty, that feeling where you know your place in the world, where you remain...stagnant. You wish for nothing, you lament nothing. You exist in a state of complete understanding." He reached up, extending his index finger and all but stabbing it into the side of his head. "...I've seen humanity suffer from ambition and greed, I watched the fall of Troy, I experienced the burning of Alexandria, I bore witness to the fall of Rome, the Slaughter of the Iceni, the destruction of the Mayans…"
The hand lowered. "...I've seen them suffer from duty, Verndari who remained silent as her mentor and friend was beaten and exiled. Alva, who failed in his duty to save the Saint and found purpose in the love of a witch. Alonne, who remained silent as his friend turned into a monster…" His words fell empty. "And Gwyn, who branded the world to keep his people in power, the duty to protect the Lordkin."
He leaned forwards, bringing up his arm and propping himself up against the wall. "Now...Gwyn wants to do to you what he did to me. He'll destroy humanity, seal it away. They become little more than creatures focused on duty to the Gods. They'll become me." There was such shame in his words now, such open disgust directed to himself. "That's what I wanted for you."
More silence stretched as he composed himself. "My birth tells me that your way of life is unspeakably ugly and wrong." His voice was flat. "...History tells me that I am the second greatest monster since Gwyn himself, both destroying humanity for duty."
Stepping backwards, he lowered his arms to his side and turned around to face them. What struck Olga was his expression, and his emerald green eyes. "...I know enough to tell me which is correct...even if I don't believe it's right." he stared at her without a trace of emotion on his face, but she knew he was serious. "Kill me or don't, it doesn't matter now."
But that wasn't what struck her.
"Gawyn died the moment he was born…"
What struck her was his eyes.
"...I just didn't realise it until I became Ash."
And just how empty they truly were.
"And he died the moment he rejected his duty. Now? Now...I'm nothing."
His empty eyes glanced down, focusing on the hand she had slapped Velka with. For a moment, his expression shifted, then it reverted back.
Making a half turn, he waved a hand in her general direction. She felt mana flare beneath her feet, her eyes widened in alarm and she snapped her head down, the golden ring with symbols glowed for a brief moment around her body before fading.
There was a hiss, the door behind them opened but Ash gave no indication he even noticed. Walking back across the room to the spot where he had been, turning around and sitting down.
Olga raised her hand to the Servants behind her.
Her right hand, stopping the Servants behind her before they did anything. Likely alarmed by the sensation of magical energy.
That was only background information to her, what was more pressing to her was her hand.
That didn't hurt anymore.
Her lips parted as she stared at it for a moment, then swung her eyes onto Ash while opening her mouth to speak.
"Benefits of serving the almighty Gwynevere." Ash spoke first, a cold edge to his words as he closed his eyes and leaned backwards, head thudding against the wall "Mother wanted to make sure I could use Miracles…though without a chime." He made a noise, a croaking sound as his head slumped.
"...I really am her son." His voice cracked as he made the declaration. "...That's all that's left."
Of all the things he had said…that sounded the most broken.
