Wished Brother Found
For as long as Nanaki could remember, he had always held on to a singular wish. It was the type of wish that he knew was impossible, but childish wants held to no logic. Even now, at a more mature age—though as Buganhagan was so quick to point out, he was still technically a child—there was still that childish corner of his mind that so desperately wished for that one thing. Time had advanced the details, it wasn't so much a blank canvas where he would have been happy with whatever he could have gotten, now it was a list of aspects that made an idealized whole.
Nanaki had spent his entire life as he could remember it, wishing for an older brother.
At its earliest point, he hadn't been concerned about that wished-for brother being his elder, that had come later. Had come after he had learnt—been told, lied to—of his father's "cowardice". In response, that wish for a brother had morphed and specifically became a wish that he had an older brother, one who would be a male role model for him to look up to, who would have taught him everything that he needed to know, those details that the humans of Cosmo Canyon, that even Elder Buganhagan, simply could not or would not know.
Even when he was at his most upset/angry/hateful, he never wished that he had a different father, that he could call somebody other than Seto with such a title. As much as he had bought the lies sold to him for his protection, as much as he had believed his father a good-for-nothing... he had still loved his father, still remembered those nights when he and his mother and his father had sat, staring up at the night skies. He had never wished a full replacement of Seto, wished for things to have been different, and wished for somebody else that could fill the void left with the absence of a male role model.
Maybe that had been one of the sources of conflict that he had had with Denah for so long, that not quite absolute denouncement of Seto.
Time, and observing the families that lived within Cosmo Canyon, had evolved that wish that never went away, gave detail, added to it until that childish wish had an ideal image of what an older brother was. He would be strong, naturally, as he would have taken up the mantle that was left empty by Seto's cowardice. He would be aloof, would pretend that he was annoyed by Nanaki, which seemed to be a constant among the human families within Cosmo Canyon, but there would be those moments when the facade lowered just enough that it was clear to see that he truly did care for his younger brother. He would be cool, but would show from time to time that he was really something of a goof.
In short... Nanaki had envisioned exactly what he had found Cloud to be.
His introduction to Cloud had been the ex-SOLDIER fighting his way through Hojo's labs, had been a part of the reason that Nanaki was now no longer a guest of those same labs. That alone was enough to spark interest in the blond, though he then bore witness to one of Cloud's... attacks. The first of a concerning number of such.
It had helped that Cloud never treated Nanaki as anything other than another person. He took the eccentricities that came of Nanaki's body in stride, got exasperated at the lengths that Nanaki had to go to enjoy the same privileges as humans—had looked at Nanaki dressed in Shinra fatigues and didn't look down at him for the moment, just seemed resigned to the moment before agreeing to give Nanaki the match of Queen's Blood that he had wanted and had made a show of it.
Nanaki didn't voice these thoughts aloud. Cloud was complicated at the best of times and had enough mental baggage that Nanaki was reluctant to impose too much, lest he hit some yet unknown trigger. Had overheard enough to know that cloud was afraid that he was degrading, his SOLDIER enhancements slowly killing him now that he was past some previously unknown expiration date.
And Nanaki... did not want to comprehend that idea.
So, he contented himself with enjoying the night with this brother that he had long wished for. Maybe the shape wasn't the same as he had desired, but if he could consider Buganhagan a grampa—which, really, that had started out mostly as a nickname for the elder until he had started to truly believe it, but he was aware enough not to try that with Cloud, not when the term "bro" had been... tainted with association with that peculiar redhead they'd met in Costa Del Sol—then there was no reason he couldn't have a human for a brother.
He'd also found everything he envisioned in a younger sibling in Yuffie. Unlike Cloud, she seemed to be at least somewhat aware of that, and played along with it, knowingly treated and teased Nanaki in the manner of irritating pest siblings everywhere. It... rather stripped from Nanaki the opportunity to have that role himself, but then, a lot of that opportunity had already been lost with his early decision to act older and wiser in his effort to not be looked down upon. If only he had known that the group he had joined cared first and foremost not about age but about... not competence, not what could be brought to the cause... not that there wasn't some measure of those, but it was something indescribable. He now knew that, having escaped Midgar with them as he had, they would have allowed him to accompany them, would have treated him as a person regardless of his apparent wisdom.
They allowed Yuffie, who was far more immature, to accompany them. But even after, there had still been that niggling fear that if they knew who he really was beneath his own mask, he would have been dismissed as the team dog.
So, there they now were. Nanaki was able to get to just... hang out with Cloud. Ok, maybe there had been some pretense involved in getting Cloud out of his hotel room. He could have easily gone to watch the play with everybody else, but Cloud had locked himself away, hadn't been able to hide his exhaustion and how done he was with the day. Nanaki had felt that Cloud needed to unwind, needed something to focus on that wasn't stressful. Thus, Nanaki had bowed out of going with everybody else, had gotten an extra ticket and gone to convince Cloud to come with him to the play. That it served the extra purpose of allowing Nanaki a chance to just... hang out... with the man who had fit so seamlessly into his childhood wish for an older brother was a bonus.
Maybe Nanaki would believe that if he told it to himself often enough.
And the play... Loveless was one of those stories that seemed to have a presence everywhere. Even those living within Cosmo Canyon had their own small community of fans. Nanaki had never given it much thought before, but having watched and then participated, it was...
It was proof that Cloud had a hidden mischievous streak. Given a chance to kiss the princess—kiss Aerith—and he had approached Nanaki with a laugh in his eyes. Nanaki wondered if that annoyance from Varvados—Barret—had been slightly more real than an act regarding Cloud's attempted prank.
And now they were in the skywheel, and Nanaki would later admit that he got a little over-excited at getting to spend time with Cloud. But Cloud, other than a quiet reminder to calm down and to not drool over the seats, didn't seem concerned. A flicker of exasperated amusement that was quickly hidden behind his usual stoic mask that was so clearly a mask.
Cloud's opinion regarding the Whispers potentially stripping away any recollection of them was grounded in pragmatism. The kind of advice that an elder sibling would give the younger. "No use worrying about fate if it can't be changed" was a swift cut to any fears that Nanaki still held regarding forgetting about the existence of those Arbiters of Fate. A realization that at least without any memory of them, he could have hope for the future, that he had an illusion of free will.
However, while he could still remember, he pressed Cloud, made him promise to be a protector. Protect Aerith, because while he couldn't remember the details, he knew, he knew that something was going to happen, something bad. Maybe it was one of the changed details, when they fought Fate and won, maybe it wasn't. So, he made Cloud promise.
And Nanaki couldn't tell if the comment afterwards about his paw pads being soft was Cloud being oblivious, or deliberately trying to break away from the moment because Cloud was so clearly very awkward around feelings. Even platonic ones apparently.
'Really?' he had found himself asking, bordering on incredulous. It had taken him a moment to realize where the comment originated, that Cloud had apparently not forgotten about that conversation on the mine cart's tracks, what already felt like so long ago.
Cloud shrugged, looked out at the fireworks and holograms in a very unsubtle attempt to feign disinterest with the conversation, though the dusting of red on his cheeks suggested that he was embarrassed at being called out.
Nanaki continued to stare at the blond with incredulity for a moment, before sorting the moment into the mental space labelled 'brotherly teasing'. That was what brotherly teasing was like, right? He wouldn't know, this was new ground for him. Ignored the part of his mind that whispered that Cloud would never consider him to be a brother...
But then Cloud looked absently at his own hands, seemed to see through the leather gloves.
'Don't remember a time I haven't had callouses,' he said, quiet and thoughtful.
Nanaki had to spend a second remembering what callouses were. 'Not even when you were a kid?'
Cloud shook his head, once. 'Nope.' His gaze then noticeably drifted to where the Buster Sword had been propped against the wall of the gondala. 'Constant life of wear and tear.' His brow then creased, though there was no flinch, no pressing of palm to temple.
Nanaki didn't know what to say to that, the words had apparently triggered some glimmer of a memory, but not enough for him to express more than a flicker of recognition.
'Do you think...' Nanaki started, haltingly, briefly concerned that this was a topic that would trigger one of Cloud's attacks. 'Do you think your missing memory of the time after Nibelheim was taken from you by the Whispers? Five years is a long time to have such a gap.'
Cloud's eyes lifted, met Nanaki's one remaining eye. Then he shook his head with strong confidence in his answer. 'No. I don't remember remembering. Even before, I knew I didn't remember.'
'Oh?' Nanaki tilted his head. 'What is your earliest memory, after Nibelheim?'
Cloud's eyes dropped, then returned to his blade's resting place. 'The moment Tifa stumbled across me in Midgar and dragged me to Seventh Heaven. Before that, nothing. Just a feeling.'
Cloud flinched at the last part, but it was different from when he had an attack, a wince of emotion hitting but no physical pain.
'Oh?' Nanaki repeated the sound.
'I think... I think I was on the verge of giving up. Of just fading away...' Cloud's voice was distant as he admitted it, one hand coming up to his breast as if to clutch at a wound. His mask dropped, and even though Nanaki would never confess to being good at gauging human ages, he got the strange sense that Cloud was younger than his actual age. In that moment he barely looked any older than Nanaki himself was.
Nanaki couldn't help the whimper that escaped him at the thought. Cool, aloof and strong Cloud... had apparently been in such a state that he had considered letting himself just fade away...
'I think there was a single thought that kept me from doing so, but...' Cloud continued, staring glassy eyed at something only he was able to see, but again it was different from the attacks that constantly plagued him, just a deep look into his own mind, an attempt at unravelling some buried memory. The hand not grasping at his chest reached up, lightly ran fingers along the broad blade, seemingly taking in each scratch and ding that marked its storied history. 'The day Tifa found me, I remember my throat hurting, and talking made it worse, like I had lost my voice and was only just getting it back. Everything ached, but it was my throat and a stabbing pain in my chest that I really felt.'
After a moment, Cloud shook his head in that manner that was suggestive that he was dispelling his own thoughts from mind and he leaned back, tilted his head to continue watching the ongoing fireworks outside.
'Don't remember what I was thinking that pulled me through. Couldn't remember even the next day. Prob'ly just one of those "tomorrow will be easier" mantras.'
Nanaki hesitated a moment, then shifted, moved from his current seat to sit himself next to Cloud instead and pressed his nose against Cloud's neck. Cloud flinched at the contact, and for a moment Nanaki feared he'd made a mistake, but then...
'Gah, your nose is cold and wet.'
'My nose is perfectly normal,' Nanaki replied, putting on the wizened voice he had used for the first half of their knowing each other. He was quietly relieved to have distracted from the gloomy air that had started to pervade at Cloud's admission. 'It's you humans who have strangely shaped noses that aren't normal.'
Cloud shot Nanaki a look of faux annoyance at the comment. 'Sure.' He then lifted a hand, which hovered near Nanaki's neck, as though uncertain if he wasn't about to make a faux pas before then lightly scratching. Or maybe it had just been his social insecurities, for all that Cloud liked to act aloof he so very clearly had difficulties in social environments. Where so many people thought Cloud was cold, it was obvious to Nanaki that he was just uncomfortable. If people only knew, if they only saw that Cloud, for all that he would claim to be "not interested" would nearly always go and perform whatever tasks were set before him, and would do so with absolute intent to do them properly, almost to the point of being an over-achiever, where even a token effort would have been appreciated.
Nanaki let himself lean into the scritching, enjoyed the sensation that he would have refused before they'd gone to Cosmo Canyon out of his attempt to seem the wizened warrior. Though with hindsight, had anybody besides Barret ever really been fooled. Aerith obviously had known, had even introduced him as a "child" when the group had first seen him.
Alas, no point musing about it. It was done, it was in the past. Look instead to the future. Soon they would be fighting in the colosseum, would be rewarded with the keystone, and then they'd get the black materia. After that? Well, time would tell. Had to work out what to do with it, and also work out how to give the Gi the relief they so desperately sought without giving them that same materia. Problems for another day.
'You know,' Nanaki began after a moment. 'I always really wanted a brother.'
He paused, for a moment feared he'd said too much, had given away just how he had come to feel about Cloud, and was fully prepared for rejection, for Cloud to grimace and say with utmost seriousness "not interested" and then distance himself.
Instead, Cloud hummed. 'Wanted a brother myself, as a kid.' His face softened. 'Somebody that I would have gotten along with, no questions, no terms or conditions.'
'Yeah?'
Cloud shrugged. 'After dad died... I just stopped thinking about it. Didn't have the luxury of dwelling.'
'That's kinda sad. I never stopped wanting, even after...' Nanaki trailed off, ears flicking. 'But I s'pose that it's different when even with my parents I was always going to be alone.'
He briefly thought about Denah, who as near as he knew was the only other of his species still alive, although she wasn't going to be released from the altar for a few years yet. Even if she were free to roam, two was still a lonely number, and their kind were a social species, likely the reason they managed to share the Vale with the humans as they had, to make up for the diminishing numbers until eventually, through cause and effect, Denah and Nanaki's parents were the last four remaining and then Nanaki and Denah the last two. He tried to dismiss that depressing thought, the thought that any children that they might have were likely destined to be the end of their species.
Promised himself at that moment that if he did have children in the future, he would do everything he could to make sure they had siblings, that they weren't an only child.
Maybe sensing the turn of Nanaki's thoughts, Cloud renewed the scritching that had paused while he watched the outside of the gondala. At that point, the skywheel was nearing its complete rotation, they were soon to reach the platform where they would then have to disembark.
Nanaki let out a whimper of disappointment, had been enjoying his time in the skywheel. Had enjoyed spending time with Cloud. Even if Cloud never came to consider Nanaki a little brother, the time that Nanaki spent with the swordsman was everything he had wanted when he was younger, had still wanted even to this day.
-FIN
Notes:
I love Red/Nanaki, but unfortunately, as seems to happen with a lot of my favourite characters, he doesn't tend to get that much attention in fanfiction. Also, in FFVII: Rebirth, he is such a puppy, and I love him all the more for that.
I loved the fact that his "date" in Gold Saucer wasn't just an excuse to play the concept for laughs, even the Yuffie one wasn't played just for laughs; as much as I joked to my friends when I ended up getting this date that "Cloud is a furry, confirmed", this wasn't even pretending to be romantic, this was a Red being a puppy and just loving the opportunity to hang out with Cloud. Yes, I did try to get Cloud to kiss Red in the play, because I was curious to see if I could troll the play as hilariously as in the OG. Kinda disappointed that I couldn't, but understand at the same time that they were trying to go for a more serious vibe, hammy acting notwithstanding.
As to the whole premise here: it was a brainworm that I couldn't get out of my head. Red is the only one of his kind (aside from Denah, who until just before his capture treated Nanaki as the apple that didn't fall far from the tree in regards to Seto's "cowardice") and grew up hating what Seto stood for. It just makes sense to me that he would have wanted a brother, and unintentionally might have latched onto Cloud as a brother figure. In much the same way that a part of Cloud's persona is based on his sixteen-year-old self's perception of what a "cool and badass SOLDIER might be like", Red being that age mentally means that that same personality is likely hitting a good few of the same notes for him. It just... made sense to me.
Probably could have done better, but eh, this was the work of a single session that was written to extract that brainworm. Would like to hear how other people interpret this idea.
In fact, I issue an open challenge (that totally isn't me trying to provoke people into writing more Red/Nanaki-centric fanfiction): Write your own interpretations of Red's relationship with Cloud/the members of AVALANCHE.
