"Morning Carl!"
"Hey Brandy! Come in, just hold on a sec please".
She sat in her accustomed place at the couch, while the therapist went to another room.
Brandy let her eyes roam the place, it was a cozy office, very welcoming.
This man certainly had a knack for decoration.
Then she noticed something new, a picture of an Orange Belton coated English Setter girl on his very early teens, with a bright smile.
"Dou you want a cuppa?", she heard.
"Oh! No thank you"
The therapist emerged from the adjacent room with a cup of steaming tea.
"Sorry to make you wait, but I had the boiler on".
"No worries. Nice picture", she said looking in the direction of the photography.
He cracked the same smile as the girl.
"Ahhh! My daughter Mia... she gifted that one to me just a week ago".
"Shes beautiful..."
"Thank you... Tell me how have you been? Did you do what I recommended?"
"Oh! Im fine...Im doing better I think, yesterday I went to have tea with a friend!"
"That's great!"
"And I did my homework, I went around my house and I found an object that resembles me, as you suggested".
"Can we have a look at it?"
"Yeah".
Brandy opened her bag, and took out a clay jar, its reddish surface gleamed, giving a smooth appearance at its round form.
"Why does that jar resembles you?"
"Uhm, well... It's pretty and comfortable, it has the perfect form to be cupped with both hands and its material its warm, yet if you look inside... its empty..."
"...Oh..." The setter moved one ear up, appreciatively. "Do you know what capacity has that jar, Brandy?"
She raised her brows, somewhat surprised for the question.
"Uhmmm... almost half a litre, I think".
"Woah, that's a lot! That's surprising for such a dainty looking jar!"
She chuckled.
"I bet you can pour a lot of things on it, what could they be?"
She chuckled again, surprised to be speaking with such enthusiasm over such a simple object, and yet feeling her heart warming because of it.
"Uhm dunno... tea, fresh water, wine... hot chocolate perhaps..."
"Ohhh... all of them are such a good things... I guess it's good to have all that free space inside that jar!".
She looked at him astounded.
"Yeah, I guess it is!", she said, her tail thumping lightly on the couch. "...Yet...I also dread at all that free space... what if I can never fill it?", she asked softly.
"We'll work on it".
She made silence.
"You have been looking into your memories recently... can you find the first moment you felt that fear?"
Brandy sighed and looked at her feet... "I think I can..."
--
Brandy smiled.
It seemed Chilli had made a true friend.
She looked at her sister across the school playground, she was busy drawing, but now she chatted quite happily with Frisky at the same time. The tails of the pups were wagging contentedly about something.
Then she saw her.
It was the bully, heading directly towards the girls.
She gulped, she had promised her father not to intervene unless something went wrong. Chilli's lesson had been to stand for herself, and hers had been to abstain from hovering over Chilli. This was going to be difficult.
"HEY YA SPANIEL! ARE YOU A LITTLE FREAK TOO?!", the girl boomed.
Frisky froze, her eyes wide with fear.
"Don't listen to her, Frisky, she's talking nonsense..."
"HEY, IM SPEAKING TO YOU LITTLE RAT!"
Oh...Thats enough!
Chilli was really angry this time.
The red pup turned around in a calm and collected manner, stepping between her friend and the older girl.
"Well, she's not a rat, so she doesn't understand your language".
Frisky gasped.
The kids around them murmured in amazement.
"What?!" exclaimed the bully.
"Ohhh... it seems you don't understand mine either..." Chilli stood up valiantly on her tiptoes and looked at the other girl in the eyes.
"Stop bullying her", she said. "If you want to mess up with someone, do it with someone your own size!".
The girl laughed derisively. "Ohhhh! The little freak can speak!"
"Yeah, I do!", Chilli said, and barked at the top of her lungs.
Two other kids went running in direction of the teacher's room.
Good, the teachers will know what it's happening, she thought.
The bully keeps laughing, "So, YOU are goin to stop me?!", she added.
Chilli was a knot of nerves, yet she assumed a defensive stance nonetheless, her feet separated and her hands ready.
Brandy could feel her own heart on her throat, she had made it hastily to the circle of onlookers, and now she could see the bully ready to hit.
"No!!", she gasped, and went into the front.
It was too late; Chilli was faster than her.
The whole playground seemed to freeze at that moment.
The only thing that made a sound was the wind among the trees, and the only thing that seemed to move was the dappled pattern of its shadow in the pavement.
Brandy looked mouth opened.
The kids around them gasped.
The bully was astounded.
Chilli had her arms around her waist,
It was a hug.
"What is making you to do this kind of things to others? What is hurting you so much?", she said softly, only for the other girl to hear.
Three seconds passed.
Three seconds in which the bully kept an astounded silence.
Then, she did the only thing she knew how to do, with her eyes full of unshed tears.
"Let go of me, you little flea!!", she said while pushing Chilli away, effectively freeing herself from the heeler, who fell into sitting position with a sonorous thud.
"Now, now young ladies!!", a teacher said. "I hope nothing is amiss here!".
"Nothing Miss Chiba, I'm already on my way", the girl said, and all the kids scattered.
Frisky wagged her tail while beaming at her friend.
Chilli stood up and looked at her retreating persecutor with mixed feelings, wagging her tail slightly.
Of the onlookers, only Brandy remained.
A realization hit her; Chilli no longer needed her. Her heart was torn between pride and fear.
Her younger sister looked at her with confusion, realizing Brandy's inner turmoil.
--
Brandy was breathing heavily.
"Its ok, it's ok... you are not alone, I'm right here...", the therapist said, while holding her hand gently.
"Oh Carl... I was afraid to lose my sister... and Chilli noticed it, she noticed that her achievement and independence made me upset!" she raised a hand to her chest. "Oh, my poor little sister!"
"Well... remember that your sister is not a poor little girl anymore. Both of you have grown into wise adult women".
She breathed in.
"Thank you..."
--
Chilli sighed.
She had replaced the withe lilies of her favourite vase.
The new ones looked crisp and fresh; how many years had passed? Thirty-one?
...Yeah, you departed thirty-one years ago, it's crazy how time flies... but I remember you every day Mum... and I still need you...
Bandit had gone with the girls to visit Nana, for he knew she would like to have a moment for herself today.
A little pang of jealousy struck her.
I would like so much they could share with you too...
She went into the patio and lounged in the couch.
The breeze among the foliage made an ocean like sound...so serene.
She smiled and let the memories about her mother came to her unbridled.
White Lilies were her favourites.
She remembers to have spent the golden hours of sundown tending the white Lilies patch of the garden along her mother.
The smell of the flowers, garden herbs and fresh grass attracted birds and insects, and it clung to her fur.
She was eight years old at that time. Dad and Brandy where at the CBD, when one of their neighbours called. One of their sheep was having a difficult time giving birth, so they needed the assistance of a veterinarian. Saffron was ready in no time.
"Ok Chilli, I need to you come with me, I don't want to leave you home alone".
The pup wagged her tail at the perspective.
"Hold my vet case for me, sweetie. We'll ride Cinnamon today".
The mother swept Chilli in one swift motion, securing the pup atop the horse, and rode behind her. Horses were more practical than a car to go to their neighbours most of the time.
"Can I be your assistant Mum?!"
"That depends on the case, hon... we don't want to disturb the sheep mum with too many people around her".
They rode in silence.
Chilli could still remember the rhythmic step of the horse, the fragrance of the nearby forest... the feeling of being cocooned between the warmth of the animal and her mother's fur, the softness of it... it was a funny feeling for a big girl... like being a baby again, safe and loved, with her head resting atop her mother's heart.
Once they got to the neighbour house, it was all a hurry.
They were guided to the sheep stall, the mother entered first.
Saffron voice was authoritative yet gentle. "Chilli, I need you to get outside the stall, please, and do not enter unless I call you". She looked at the girl eyes with seriousness.
The daughter understood and sat outside.
Time passed slowly... She could hear her mother sigh and grunt with effort... and sadness.
"Oh... Im so sorry little one...I did my very best...", she heard her mother say, while the first callings of the baby lamb could be heard.
Chillis tail wagged, and curiosity overcame caution. In no time sha was heading right into the sheep stall.
The pup gasped aghast.
Her mother was cleaning the newborn lamb, and there was blood staining her working clothes and arms. A cloth covered what had been the mother sheep.
"Oh, Chilli!! Dearest I asked you not to come!"
Chilli retreated and looked in the opposite direction. "Is the baby lamb alright?", she asked while hiccupping a little.
"Yes, he is... could you please call Mrs. Samoyed? Ask her to bring a big basin with water to wash my self, please".
"Yes mama".
She was sitting at some distance, yet she could still hear her mother and the neighbour talking. "I'm so sorry Miriam... It was a very difficult birthing, the lamb was in a very odd angle, and due all the blood the mother had already lost, it was impossible to save the both..."
"Oh, I understand, I know you did your best, Saffron... is the lamb healthy?"
"Yes, he is. Do you have a nursing sheep?"
"Yeah, no worries..."
Soon they were riding back home; the gentle rhythm of Cinnamon a welcomed balm to her saddened heart.
"Im sorry Mum...", she hiccupped.
"Its ok hon... I just didn't want to you to see all that, thats all...did it frighten you?"
"Yes..."
"Oh, my girl... its ok to be afraid sometimes. Is there something you want to know?"
Saffron knew her daughters well, and Chilli had always needed to analyse things and think, to know deeply her own feelings and problems to find comfort.
"Did the mother sheep died?"
"Yes"
"Why you couldn't fix her?"
Saffron sighed. "Sometimes there are things vets or doctors cannot fix, sweetie, sometimes life just get to an end..."
"What will happen to the lamb?"
"He'll be fine...", she answered with a soothing voice. "The other sheep on his flock will love him and feed him".
"Will he be alright?"
"Yes. He is healthy and strong".
The little heeler became silent for a while.
Saffron braced herself, that only meant that her daughter will have more questions... difficult questions probably.
"Muuum...the mother sheep just died? She is no longer or is she somewhere, somehow?"
Saffron sighed. Difficult questions indeed; nevertheless, she smiled, pleased to this insight to Chillis intelligence.
"Well... what do you think?"
"...I think... she should be somewhere, but... dunno... just stop existing doesn't seems right to me... What do you think Mum?"
"I think she's somewhere... and living in some way... you know? She will be a part of the earth someday; she will be in the very grass her lamb will eat... besides, she keeps on living on her lamb. And her love keeps on living, I'm pretty sure of it"
"How so?"
Saffron smiled sweetly and squeezed Chilli closer to her heart.
"Because a mother's love it's too big to die, even if the mother dies, her love keeps going on in her kid".
Chilli smiled.
"Besides..." her mother continued. "Even if Im wrong and she just died and she is no more, her life had meaning on itself".
"So... a mum's love is always there?"
"Yes, absolutely. Even if the child cannot see the mother, even beyond the mother's existence... A mothers love is always there, living inside her children"
Chilli felt her heart warming up. "So... do you love Brandy and Me, that way Mum!?"
"Of course, I love both of you on that way. I will always love you, even if you can't see me"
Chillis tail thumped at the horse saddle.
--
Chilli was laying back in her bed, just resting from the heat of that summer's day.
And suddenly, she found herself oddly at peace.
She thought and thought what it could be... could it be?...
She sprang up and went to the bathroom again.
She looked herself at the mirror and gasped, her eyes wide with surprise.
"I got my Mums smile!"
Yes, Brandy got her mother good looks, but she... she got her smile...
And, at the brink of her eleventh birthday, that was such a dear discovery to her.
Still in the bathroom, Chillis tail began to wag.
She looked at her hands... she had her mother's hands also; long fingers, capable of create beautiful things.
Since the very day Saffron died, Chilli had looked for her mother everywhere.
She had cared for the horses as her mother had loved to do, she had cared for her flowers, she had read her books, she had tried a hand at her favourite recipes, she had kept on drawing, she had kept on crocheting, all in the hope to feel her mother near her...
Chillis vision blurred, and her shoulders trembled slightly.
She hugged herself tightly while bittersweet tears started to run down her cheeks.
...She had just realized, her mother had been with her all the time, within her, for she carried her mother's love...
So, that's why I have been feeling ...right lately? she thought while drying her tears with shaky hands.
I feel... It's been almost a year since she... I feel Im moving on...its ok if I move on, Mum?
...The show must go on... do I have the right to move on?
… Im not forgetting you if I do, do I?
--
Brandy breathed in.
"Today has been somewhat tiring, doesn't it?", the therapist asked to her, while giving a look at the clay jar, she had brought with her.
"Yes Carl... it has"
He looked at her kindly. "Im sorry if I pushed you..."
"No, you didnt, no worries"
"Then allow me to ask you something... This symbolises you, with what do you want to fill the free space inside of it?"
Brandy sighed and smiled ruefully.
"The love of my family and my friends... the love of my sister... the love of my nieces... the love of a child... You already know I want to be a Mum, so badly..."
He took her hand. "I know, I know... May I recommend something to you?"
"What?"
"Tonight, before going to sleep, take a drink of water from this jar. Do it very consciously, taking note of all your actions".
"Ill do"
--
Brandy closed her book and yawned.
"Time to call a night!".
She looked at her night table and saw her jar, so she stood up to do what Carl had recommended.
The red heeler took the jar with care and gasped, noticing a very fine layer of dust inside it.
She went to the kitchen.
"Ok, consciously... first, I need to wash this jar.
Ok, now that it's clean, I can pour some water on it".
She drank, realization hitting her with the first gulp of water.
Brandy smiled looking at the jar, full of refreshing, crystalline liquid; some unexpected tears coming to her eyes.
"... Cunning therapist..."
