IDENTITY CRISIS :❓❓❓: PART FOUR
Coach Sue dragged us toward her office. She made me wait there while she escorted St Jerkoff out of the building, saying something about him being a non-student and she needed to 'take out the trash' (I gotta remember to thank her for that later).
So I just paced around in her office waiting for the adrenaline to wear off and trying to decide how bad the aftermath is gonna be over this tomorrow. While I'm trying to think of how I'm gonna get Rachel to talk to me again, I happened to look around and noticed this like, spotlight thing, and all these weird pliers and scary looking tools spread out on Coach's desk. It looked a little too much like something out of that torture-porn movie Hostel and I started to get a little nervous wondering exactly why she put me in here. (I mean, Coach Sue is a little crazy, but surely she's not THAT crazy, right?)
After a few more minutes contemplating what all those creepy tools were for, I heard my name being called from the doorway. It was Mr Schue. I didn't think he was able to be here tonight 'cause of some important family thing with his parents, so I'm not sure how or why he was here, but I was glad to see him.
"Finn? Hey, what's going on, what are you doing in here?"
So I proceeded to explain everything that's happened all night, from my feelings about Rachel to my feelings about Quinn to the almost fight with St Smirksalot in the gym. I didn't even realize right away that the whole time I was talking the tears were spilling down my face. (It's not like Mr Schue hasn't seen me cry before, but it's been a while.) He just kinda wrapped an arm around my shoulder and let me vent.
"Finn, wow. Well I can't say I'm that surprised at your actions tonight, but I also can't say I'm not at least a little disappointed in them either. Listen, I know how much Rachel means to you. Don't think for one second I haven't noticed the change in the atmosphere of the choir room during glee rehearsals over the past few months since you two split up. Especially since Regionals; things just have not been the same. I've actually wanted to talk to you privately about this, but you seemed a bit overwhelmed as it was with prom."
"Yeah... overwhelmed. That's an understatement, Mr Schue. I just... I don't understand why I do some of the dumb things I do, y'know? And like, five months ago everything was PERFECT. Me and Rach were so happy and I was already starting to picture a real future with her, a future beyond high school, y'know? Then it all just went to hell in the blink of an eye. I shoulda never let her go. Why did I think I could just get over her? And why did I ever think going back with Quinn a second time would be any better than the first time?"
"Sorry buddy, not sure I can give you the answers to that. Sometimes when we're hurting, we do things that don't make sense, things we may even regret later. Sometimes we fall back on familiar patterns. Seems like that's what Rachel did by going to Puck, I mean they did date for a while last year." Crap. I forgot about that. Maybe THAT's the reason she chose him, and not so much to hurt me even more? "Maybe that's how you ended up with Quinn again? Or maybe you still had unresolved feelings with Quinn since things ended so abruptly the first time?"
"You know, I considered that for a while, that going back to Quinn could be like a do-over. But I really don't think it's because I still had feelings for her. I know I didn't miss her one bit while I was with Rachel. And I sure never felt the kind of things for Quinn that I feel for Rachel. But what you said about familiar patterns, yeah. That sorta makes sense... It was an easy distraction to go back to Quinn. Then I didn't have to think about Rachel so much and the way she hurt me. Also the whole jock-cheerleader status thing had its advantages, too. Last year that was the biggest reason I think I was with Quinn from the start, but that stuff really doesn't matter to me so much anymore."
"So you thought it was easier to be with someone else who boosted your ego and your popularity to try and forget your problems rather than to put in the hard work and push through the painful parts with Rachel to try and repair the damage?"
"I guess so... crap. That sounds really pretty bad when you put it like that, doesn't it?"
He kinda chuckled at me. "It sounds like the mistakes we make in our youth, Finn. The life lessons we're meant to learn and grow from. You know, your situation with Quinn does remind me more than a little of my relationship with Terri."
"You mean ex-Mrs Schue?"
"Exactly. Terri and Quinn sometimes have remarkably similar personalities. Just the way you remind me of myself at your age... Only I didn't have a Rachel to show me there was maybe a different path for me."
"And you married your Quinn."
"Right. And look how all of THAT turned out."
I kinda chuckled. It really is weird how much Mr Schue's life and mine have been so similar sometimes. "Yeah, fake baby and all... I remember. But don't worry Mr Schue, I definitely do NOT have any plans to marry Quinn Fabray."
He clamped a hand on my shoulder and smiled a little. "Finn, you know, it's true what they say, hindsight is twenty twenty. That's what these years are all about though – living, trying new things, making mistakes and learning from them. Maybe you needed this experience with Quinn to give you some perspective on things with Rachel. So let me ask you this: If you had the past school year to do over, what would you change?"
"That's too easy Mr Schue. I would've never broken up with Rachel. I woulda told her the truth about Santana in the first place and never let her be humiliated like that in front of everyone. I sure as hell wouldn't have gone back to Quinn. And I definitely wouldn't have dicked over a friend like some cocky jerk. . .
"Aw man, Mr Schue, I've made such a mess of things. The truth is, I've never stopped loving Rachel. I tried, but it seems pretty impossible to fall out of love with her. I guess I shouldn't be surprised since it was so easy to fall IN love with her to begin with. I was just so hurt by what she did, but now I know all of this coulda been avoided if I'd just told her the truth from the start. Instead I was so wrapped up in my own fears and pride that I hid the truth. Then later it was all about my anger and hurt with her kissing Puck. I never once stopped to really think how she felt when Santana dropped the v-card bomb on her."
"Yeah, that was a pretty shocking day. It gave me flashbacks to the day Rachel told you the truth about Quinn's baby."
"Yeah... crap. Now that you mention it... I'm betting that's exactly how Rach felt at the time too, the same way I felt when it happened to me."
"You're betting? Wait, so you mean you two didn't talk about it afterwards?"
"Not really... I mean, she made us go to couple's counseling with Miss Pillsbury, but honestly, that really didn't help anything – thanks mostly to my stupid big mouth saying all the wrong things again. But I wasn't done explaining things before Rachel stormed out and didn't talk to me for a week til after Sectionals. Then that's when she confessed about kissing Puck, and well, you know the rest. So, no. We didn't even try to work anything out. I was too busy breaking up with her and ignoring her and wallowing in my own self pity. Man, I really screwed up my life – only this time I REALLY did it, like, there's no secret baby daddy waiting in the wings to take the pressure off me now. And I think I might have lost Rachel forever."
"Well Finn, I think you've sorted out your own feelings enough to know what you want and who you want; now it's a matter of trying to put it back together again. For what it's worth, I don't think you will ever lose Rachel for good."
"I dunno Mr Schue. She was pretty upset with me tonight already – especially after I kissed her. And then after that Christina Perri song and then the fight? I don't think she'll ever talk to me again. Why should she."
"All you can do is try, Finn. I think we both know how dramatic Rachel can be, yet you always seem to have a way of reaching her that nobody else does. So just try, and keep trying... I could throw in a little Journey reference and say don't stop believin' – but that might be too cheesy so instead I'll say, don't give up so easily."
I grinned at his words. "I never do."
"I know you don't. It's one of your most admirable qualities – tenacity. It's what makes you a good leader, Finn. I'm sure things will work out the way they should. And ah, I don't think you need to sit here any longer. Go on and get out of here. I'll take care of Sue."
"Thanks Mr Schue, for everything."
"Anytime. Good luck."
? - ? - ?
Just when I got outside the doors of the school headed for my truck, I heard them open behind me and I heard heels clacking fast against the pavement, like running. I turned around just in time to see Rachel, who was moving so fast she ended up running smack into me. She was holding her face and not watching where she was going and had tears streaming down her cheeks.
"Rachel? Hey, what's going on? Is something wrong with your face? Did you get hurt?"
She was startled I guess when she realized it was me 'cause her eyes went wide but then she started crying harder and slapped me in the chest a few times. "This is all your fault, Finn! Why do you keep playing these games with me?!" She was really wailing on me with her little fists and screaming a bunch of stuff I couldn't understand and getting pretty hysterical. I finally managed to grab both her hands and wrap her in a bear hug. I held her tight til she quit fighting me.
"I'm sorry Rach, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so so sorry... please calm down... please. You're scaring me."
Then she just stood there letting me hold her (more like hold her up) while she clung onto my lapels and sobbed into my shirt. She was shivering since she didn't have a jacket of any kind and the night air had a little chill to it, so I took my tux jacket off and wrapped her in it.
She finally calmed down a little bit and shook her head then pulled away from me. "Thank you for the jacket. I'll be sure to return it tomorrow." Then she started marching across the parking lot toward the street.
"Rachel, what are you doing?"
"I'm going home."
"You're walking? Don't be ridiculous. It's pitch dark and chilly out here and you're in heels. Get in the truck, I'll drive you."
"No thank you. I'm perfectly capable of getting myself home."
STUBBORN AS A MULE! But okay, a totally adorable mule.
"Rachel, it's three and half miles, in the dark. You'll ruin your shoes. And your feet will be killing you."
"I'll be perfectly fine!"
"You'll catch a cold or something and lose your voice."
There it is.
She finally froze and squared her shoulders, tossed her chin up and started walking toward my truck. "Fine. Just, straight home, then. . . And I don't want to talk."
Crap. EXTRA stubborn. Good thing I don't have any duct tape in the truck, she might pull THAT stunt again. But hey, she might not wanna talk, but being a captive audience in a moving vehicle, surely she'll have to listen.
"I know you don't wanna talk, and that's fine. But I hope you'll at least listen. I... Rachel I'm so sorry for everything that happened tonight. And I'm sorry for everything going all the way back to last year. I've treated you so badly sometimes, and other times I haven't stuck up for you like I should have. Earlier tonight you said you wished you could go back in time, undo your mistakes and take my pain away... but Rach, if I could go back in time, I would take us all the way back to the auditorium that second week of Glee club. The picnic spread you made us, remember? The one where we had our first kiss?" She'd been staring out the passenger's window still holding her cheek and trying to ignore me, but then her head whipped around to face me.
"What, you would just erase it all? You would take it all back and never have kissed me to begin with?" Her voice was SO broken and small when she said that and like WHAT THE HELL? How could she think that's where I was going with this?!
"What? NO! Rachel, no, I would go back to that moment, and I would have the courage to tell you just how much I really liked you then. And I would've kept kissing you for the rest of the afternoon or until our lips wore out or got too chapped to continue. And I woulda broke up with Quinn THAT NIGHT. How.. Why the hell would you think I'd wanna erase you?"
"Well, isn't that sort of what you've been doing for the past five months? Erasing me, erasing us?"
Oh damn. I'm like, the biggest DICK in the history of big dicks. And not in a good kinda way.
"N-no that's not... I never.. oh god Rach, I am so damn sorry you thought that's what I was... just, NO never. I could NEVER erase you, or us. I just... I was hurt and angry and I let my pride get in the way of things again... Truth is, I forgave you months ago. Truth is.., I shoulda been trying to fix things with you since I gave you that necklace." I also didn't miss the fact that she was currently wearing said necklace, or the fact that her hand flew up to hold the star charm on it when I mentioned it.
? - ⭐ - ?
We pulled into her driveway by then and I wasn't sure if I should cut the engine or not. She wasn't making a move to get out, she just sat still, staring at her lap for the longest time. Finally she said "Can we keep driving? Maybe to the lake? I mean... only if you want."
Well I certainly wasn't gonna pass up the chance to spend time with her, even if all we did was talk – which we absolutely needed to do. And it finally sounded like she might be willing to do more than just listen.
We rode the twelve miles to the lake in silence, except for the radio. As luck would have it, Faithfully came on and before it was even half way through the first verse, she was sobbing. Thankfully I was at our destination by then, so I quickly cut the engine, leaving the radio on. I jumped out and ran around to her side and threw the door open, unclipped her seatbelt and pulled her out of the truck into my arms.
We just stood there, her sobbing on my shoulder and swaying to our song under the light of the full moon. The tightness in my chest was nearly unbearable, remembering that night, our song, but it felt so good to at least have this again, have her there in my arms. Even long after the song ended we kept standing there swaying through like three more songs. Then that Fleetwood Mac song me and Quinn sang came on and she pulled herself away from me.
She sighed and started walking toward the lake. There's a big fallen tree that we always use like a bench over there and she was headed for it. I quickly grabbed a blanket from the backseat, turned the radio off and caught up to her. I draped the blanket over the log so she wouldn't mess up her dress. We both sat down and I wasn't sure what to say next, but then I remembered something I'd meant to say since Breadstix.
"I um, meant to tell you earlier, you look so pretty tonight Rach."
She turned her big surprised eyes at me and a small smile started to bloom across her beautiful face, but then it fell a little. It's like I saw all this hope bubbling up in her for a split second, then it faded as quick as it appeared. I guess I really did a number on her this time, and I can only imagine what it's gonna take to dig myself outta this hole with her.
"Thank you, Finn. That's very kind of you to say. You look very handsome tonight as well."
Then the silence continued for a while til she finally broke it again.
"Finn? What happened in there tonight with Jesse? Why did you do that?"
"Because he's a douchebag."
"Finn..."
"No seriously, he is. He said some stuff to me earlier that, well... He's just not a good guy, Rachel. . . I'm sorry that what I did ruined your night, but I'm not sorry for trying to deck him. I just wish I'd succeeded."
"Finn! Violence is never the answer. And I just can't imagine what he could've possibly said that warranted your pugilistic behavior tonight. I think you were just jealous to see me finally moving on and having a good time."
"Well yeah, you're right." I answered her easily and her head whipped around to me with a completely stunned look. "No more lies ever, that's what we said? So yeah, I was – no, I am jealous... mostly because he was putting his hands all over you."
"But it wasn't your place, Finn. How is that fair to me?"
I shrugged and grabbed a couple of loose stones from the ground, throwing them out into the lake. "Never said it was fair, just honest."
"Okay, you wanna talk honestly? I've had to watch you Quinn for months now. Kissing, hugging, hand-holding. And those damn posters are everywhere... but I never said a word about it to you. You moved on, and it was time for me to do the same... so I tried to be a good friend, let you have your happiness, but it's been virtually impossible for me to do the same. Reminders of my mistake are plastered EVERYWHERE I look.
"As if all that isn't enough, I've also tried to be your friend and listened to you complain about Quinn stressing you out over prom, or how Quinn might be cheating and you don't know if you can trust her. I went on those steakouts with you because you ASKED me to, and I thought 'hey, maybe we can at least be friends again'. Maybe friends is a step in the right direction, even though the only reason we were there together at all was to be sure YOUR GIRLFRIEND wasn't cheating on you! But once again, I bit my tongue and swallowed my pride and tried to be there for you, because I've missed your friendship so terribly, Finn.
"And then, if it's not Quinn, it's Santana. From time to time she still likes to remind me in the most unkind ways of the piece of you SHE got that I would never have. So excuse me for making some kind of effort to find my own happiness, to forget about the damage I caused and the love I'll never feel reciprocated from you again and give myself a break long enough to try to enjoy just ONE evening.
"Then again, I must be some kind of fool thinking PROM was the place to look for any sort of happiness! I always thought my first prom night would be magical, spent in the arms of the boy I loved more than anything and who loved me back just as much. But clearly there's no such thing as magic or fairy tales, and Walt Disney got it all so very wrong."
Oh my god... I didn't even stop to think just how bad everything really has been for her. I'm picturing the shoe being on the other side of the table now. What if her and St Jagoff were running for prom king and queen and their posters were all over the place while I was still walking around feeling the way I do right now. Or what if she actually had slept with him last year and I had to hear him rub it in my face all the time... fuck.
Okay, yeah, I already got a little taste of it when he transferred to McKinley before Regionals last year. I had to see them touching and kissing and singing together and stuff... and sure, I walked around wanting to punch him all the time and I was completely heartsick wanting to be with her, but that still wasn't quite the same kind of torture, was it? Because me and Rach hadn't really become us yet at the time, so I didn't know just how HARD landing after falling so deep could really be...
But now I do know. And I've only had to suffer, like, a couple days worth of this misery knowing he was back now and taking her to prom. Hell I couldn't make it through a couple of SECONDS watching him kiss her tonight! But she's been suffering through this stuff for MONTHS.
Hello, my name is Finn Hudson. I am an asshole.
"Rachel I... I'm really sorry you've had to deal with all of that. But just so you know, whatever's been going on with me and Quinn, it's been anything but happiness, at least for my side of it. I promise you."
She looked at me in total disbelief. "Then... if that's true, why have you been with her?"
"I've been asking myself that very question for a while now, Rach. If I ever figure it out I'll let you know."
She tilted her head a little and exhaled quietly. "Well, whatever issues you two may have been having, she still didn't deserve to have her prom ruined like that tonight." That part is only slightly debatable... but deep down I know she's right. I haven't been fair. Not to Rachel, or Quinn, or myself. Maybe not even to that douchebag... okay no, that's a step too far; he totally deserves to be miserable.
"Even if she is a cold-hearted bitch who's made my life hell for most of my high school experience, and despite what she did to me tonight, she still didn't deserve to have her date flake out on her like that tonight."
"Wait, what does that mean? Did something happen tonight after we got kicked out? You still didn't tell me why you were crying and running out of the school before... Did Quinn have something to do with that?"
She sighed loudly and looked down at her feet. "Let's just say, she and I had a few words in the ladies room, and it didn't end very well."
"Why, what happened Rach?" I tilted her chin up to see her face, which put the light of the full moon shining directly on her cheek – the one she'd been holding earlier. And now I could see there was some swelling under her left eye, like a welt. I gently cupped her face and ran my thumb over it. "What's this mark on your face? I can see the welt. Did Quinn do this to you?"
I swallowed hard HOPING she said no because as much as I really wanted to punch that Jackass tonight, I was suddenly feeling the exact same anger about a certain prom-obsessed blonde. I know my teeth were clenching and I was trying hard to keep my cool. But she just sat there, silent.
"She hit you, didn't she. Please tell me the truth... No secrets, no lies, remember?"
Finally she nodded the tiniest bit. "Yes. She slapped me after they announced prom queen and it wasn't her. I followed her to the restroom to try to console her, and maybe I shouldn't have... but it's okay Finn. I'm fine."
"Oh hell NO, it is NOT fine! Why the hell would she hit you? And you were only trying to help her? You didn't do anything wrong!"
"Well I guess I shouldn't have followed her... but after you were thrown out and then she didn't win, I thought she needed a friend or someone to support her, so I just thought... Well, it was stupid of me. I know how important it seemed to her to win – and certainly I of all people can relate to what it feels like, to lose something that means SO MUCH to you, something you want so badly you can taste it. . .
"So I thought she could use a friend, but when I went to offer my assistance, she lashed out and blamed me for her loss. She thinks people didn't vote for her because... because you're still in love with me. So she never had a chance to win in the first place. I was just an easy target of opportunity to use as her whipping post. Literally. She was just emotional. Honestly, I can appreciate the drama of it all. At least the last time she talked to me like that it didn't end with me getting slapped."
I let all that information sink in. It was a lot to digest. It sounded like she was almost defending Quinn for hitting her? My stomach twisted and my chest clenched at the thought that Rachel could have such a big heart that she'd try to be there for someone who will probably NEVER appreciate how genuinely special and wonderful she is.
And wait a second... "What do you mean the last time? You mean she's freaked out on you like that before?"
She was playing with her fingers in her lap like she always does when she's super anxious. "Rach? Talk to me, please?"
"Original songs."
"What?" Fuck.
"When she volunteered to help write an original song with me for regionals. Instead, we ended up having a very heated conversation... a-about you."
I KNEW IT. I knew there was a reason Quinn left early, and I knew she said something to Rachel! "What was said?"
She had tears in her eyes again but she was fighting to hold them back, so I could hear the strain in her voice. "In a nutshell, she told me to give up on you because it was finally over between us, that I was living a little schoolgirl fantasy and would never get it right. She said in the end, she gets you and I get heartbroken. That I was meant to leave and you were both meant to stay in Lima, and raise a family together. She had a whole future planned out where she'd work in real estate and you'd manage Burt's tire shop."
"She said... Jesus. Wh-what did you say?"
"I told her it was not over between us, and I would never give up on you."
I wasn't sure what part of all of this information to address first, but I saw the welt on her cheek again and it was easy.
I leaned over and brushed my lips over the swollen spot so gently, then whispered. "What she said to you tonight... She's not wrong... because I do love you Rach. I've always loved you, all along... From that first kiss to the last. And I cannot believe she said all that other shit to you before... there is NO chance I want that future, especially not with her. I wish I'd known sooner. I'm so sorry."
Something changed in her eyes then. Something worse than anger... It looked a lot like the day Santana dropped the v-card bomb. Rage, or betrayal maybe?
"Finn, if you've really loved me all along, then why? WHY have we been apart for so long? Why have you been stringing me along? Why have you broken up with me SO many times? Why did you ever go back to Quinn, and most of all, MOST of all WHY did you sleep with Santana in the first place?"
Yep. This is the big one. That GIANT fucking elephant in the room that we totally need to take back to the circus or a zoo or something... Actually, yeah it's a double whammy, one-two punch of shit I screwed up that I REALLY wish I could take back. Santana AND Quinn.
I let out a long loud breath and tried to collect my words. "Yeah I wondered when that was gonna come up again, the Santana thing. Rachel, look, I could tell you a dozen reasons why and none of them would matter. The bottom line is that I hid it from you which hurt you worse than maybe anything else could. And now I get it, ultimately my hiding the truth drove you to do what you did. I've had enough time to think about my part in our last break up and I was a total asshole to you. YOU should've broken up with me."
"I promised you I never would..."
"I know... then you cheated on me instead. But I made the same promise to you, then I broke it."
"I'm so sorry Finn, I–"
"No, Rach. I don't want you to apologize anymore. You've done more than enough apologizing for something that I screwed up in the first place. I'm the one who is sorry. I caused ALL of this mess. I mean yeah, you did what you did, and it hurt like hell, but I think I've finally learned what karma actually is, I'm pretty sure it's what bit me in the ass that day. Look I already said I forgive you, and now I just wanna forget that part. Can we do that?"
"Okay... Well, I'm glad to hear that, and thank you for forgiving me. But you still didn't explain why Santana to begin with."
I just shook my head and looked down at my feet. No more lies or secrets. Might as well tell her everything.
"Jesse."
She looked at me with her brows all crunched up, trying to understand. "You were dating Jesse, and I was so jealous and hurt that you wouldn't give me another shot. Then you said you were gonna sleep with him."
"Wait, Finn, I never told you that – certainly not ahead of time."
"No, but you told Santana I guess? At least, that's what she told me, at the same time she offered to, y'know... she said I could make you jealous if I hooked up with her. That's when I came and asked you if you were even still dating the douche – because the last thing you told me was that you'd broken up with him 'for the team'."
"Oh my god. Those bitches! I only told them I was thinking about it, and that was supposed to be in confidence! That was supposed to be girl talk only! Not to mention, I never used his name, I only spoke hypothetically. But wait a minute. That was before we sang our Madonna mashup, when you asked me if I was still seeing Jesse and I tried to hide it at first... and for the record, I hated lying to you. I knew you'd see through me."
"Yeah, I did. But you did lie. First you lied about not seeing him, then you lied about..."
"About having sex with him. Oh no. Finn, you mean you went to Santana because... because of me...?"
"Look Rach, it doesn't matter now. SHE doesn't matter. HE doesn't matter either. We can't change the things we said or did in the past."
"But it does matter, Finn. You... you ended up giving away a part of yourself to someone who couldn't appreciate it. I helped push you into a poor decision, because I lied to you!"
"Rachel don't, please don't say that. Don't blame yourself. I made my own choices. I'm responsible for my own actions."
She nodded her head but was crying again. "You wanted to hurt me for being with Jesse. But I was only with Jesse at all because you wanted to find your inner rockstar and date Santana and Brittany. Good grief... What is wrong with BOTH of us, Finn? It's an endless cycle of pain, isn't it? All we've seemed to do is lie and go out of our way to hurt each other! Maybe Quinn was right. Maybe we've been doomed to fail from the start.. I mean, you were still dating her when you first kissed me! Talk about karma..."
"We... okay, well, when you put things like that, yeah, it all sounds really bad – but Rach, that isn't how I see things."
"Well maybe you should Finn, because it's a sad reality. All we do is hurt each other. Maybe this is MY karma for trying to steal you from Quinn in the first place."
"Don't say that! Rachel, you didn't steal anything... you can't steal something when it's already yours. I GAVE IT TO YOU. I gave you my heart willingly with that first kiss. Quinn for me was an afterthought at that moment... And if it wasn't for the baby, I wanted you to be my girlfriend from that first kiss. I was gonna break up with her and tell you all of that the next day... but she beat me to the punchline with the baby thing."
She choked back a sob. "You never told me that before... Why tell me now?"
"Because Rach, it's still as true now as it was then. It's been you since that first kiss, and I think it's always gonna be you for me... I'm so sorry for these past months. For all the things I've done to hurt you all the way back to the beginning. I was an ass and I can't say I'm sorry enough."
Tears kept streaming over her cheeks and after a long while she whispered, "I forgive you. And thank you, Finn."
"For what?"
"For finally telling me all of this... I'd lost so much sleep, so much of my sanity, so much of MYSELF trying to figure out where things went so wrong between us. And now I feel like I finally have those answers."
She forgives me... yet I don't feel any better. Somehow I'm not sure that she does either. And still, all I wanna do is scoop her up and kiss her. So...
"Finn, no. Please don't."
Okay. I guess I read the room wrong.
"I'm sorry Rach... I just, I can't help it. When you're close to me like this, all I want is to be even closer to you."
"And if you'd have said all these things to me months ago, I would be over the moon with relief and throwing myself into your arms right now... but technically, you are STILL Quinn Fabray's boyfriend."
"Rachel do you really believe that's true after everything that's happened tonight? After everything we just talked about?"
"I think that Quinn believes that, at least for now, at least until you two talk to one another and decide otherwise. But it's not my place to be concerned with the future of you and Quinn. You need to resolve it on your own. And... I really should be getting home. I should be talking to Jesse and sorting out how he feels after tonight."
"Wait, are you... Rachel, are you into him again?"
"I already told you Finn, that's not your business. But I did bring him as my guest this evening and I've ended up spending most of it with you – which was very unfair to him."
"But Rach, do you even know... I mean, did you discuss AFTER PROM events with him for tonight? Because he was planning to take you to a hotel and—"
"What are you talking about Finn? Jesse wouldn't be that forward with me, especially not so soon after we just reconnected. Where did you even hear such a thing?"
"It's what he told me in the bathroom at the prom tonight that really set me off in the first place."
"I don't... well. Okay I'm not gonna say I don't believe YOU, because at this point I truly don't think you'd lie to me. So I guess that's something else I'll need to discuss with him."
I don't know why I can't stop the words from coming out but dammit I need to know. "If we hadn't fought and gotten kicked out, and he had wanted to take you to a hotel, would you have gone?"
She looked at me with this hard expression, like she was irritated. "Well the subject never came up so I guess I'll never know now, will I? Either way, you would've been leaving with your girlfriend, so..."
"You don't know that either, since that also didn't get to play out. If you remember, I'd already kissed you in the hall long before the rest happened."
"Which was also completely inappropriate."
"But you kissed me back, Rach." I brushed her bangs from her eyes. "You kissed me back, even if it was just for a moment. That had to mean something."
"What did it mean, Finn? That I was weak? That my body still responds to you no matter what my head thinks? I just was caught off guard, and wasn't thinking straight and—"
I crashed my lips on hers and held her tight to me. She squirmed a little bit at first, but then she melted into the kiss. See, I KNOW she's just playing stubborn now... this kiss was even better than the one in the hallway and she wasn't stopping me either. God I could kiss her forever...
I broke the kiss and looked her square in the eye. "See? We're not done, Rach. You told Quinn we weren't over, and I think you know you're right. Because we're not done."
"You shouldn't have done that Finn! Whatever we are, or whatever we might be, it can't happen while you are someone else's boyfriend! Please stop playing with my heart, Finn... I just can't do this anymore. I really need to get home now. Can we please leave, or do I have to call Kurt for a ride?"
FUCK.
Okay. She's right. Quinn first, fixing Finchel after.
❤️❓⭐❓❤️
"I'm sorry, okay?"
"You're SORRY?! You humiliated me!"
"I didn't mean to—"
"You humiliated me and you cost me the crown, Finn! And what's worse is you don't even care!"
"That's not true, Quinn... I care, just not about winning prom royalty or whatever! I tried to tell you this before, but you wouldn't listen. I care, but just not enough to keep doing this. What are we doing, huh?"
"What do you mean?"
"You and me. What are we doing? Why are we even together? Be honest. You don't love me, Quinn, you know you don't, not really... And I—"
"Oh my god, you still love her? You think you still love her and now you're trying to break up with me? Well forget it, Finn. I won't let you."
"What the hell, you won't let me?!"
"We're not breaking up. We're gonna stay together, and next year we'll be prom king and queen and—"
"Just stop it. Okay? I don't want that life, but you would never listen! Hear me now Quinn... This is real. This is happening."
"No, Finn. We're not breaking up. You're just confused... I can handle your confusion with Rachel until you get over it. You just saw her with Jesse, and you reacted poorly. I can understand that, it's the first time she's tried to move on and you weren't ready to see it happen. I can be patient. I can help you work through your confusion. You know she's going to end up with him again anyway and they are both going to end up in New York, together, where they belong."
"You don't know any of that! And you don't know how I feel, so stop telling me what I think or that I'm confused... I'm actually less confused right now than I've ever been! But the one thing you said that was true in all of that is, YES, I do still love her. But guess what, Quinn? I've always loved her. Even when I broke her heart or she broke mine, even when I broke up with her. And I'm not saying this to hurt you, I'm saying to help you understand... you and me, we just are never going to work."
"Finn she's just going to leave you behind in a year anyway and break your heart all over again. Why would you want that?"
"Who says she's gonna leave me behind, Quinn? Or wait — do you think I'm just gonna hang out and manage Burt's tire shop while we raise a family together?"
Well that sure shut her up.
"I guess she told you."
"Yes, she did. You have no right Quinn. No right to talk to her that way, no right to decide what I will or won't do with my life, my future, no right to tell me how I feel or who I love. If things work with me and Rachel or if they don't, that's MY choice, my future, my journey to take. If I stay in Lima or end up in New York, or California or Chicago or the MOON, that's MY choice, not yours.
"All of this has made something very clear to me though; you don't believe in me at all. Not for anything other than a crown and MAYBE a kid someday. Rachel sees me well beyond those Lima Loser limits, and she always has. You're fighting a losing battle... and I'm sorry Quinn, I really don't mean to hurt you. I'll take some of the blame, too, because I shouldn't have ever gotten back together with you... I now realize it was always going to be her."
"This isn't FAIR, Finn! You loved me first! You were mine first! We were happy once, before she came around and—"
"Oh? Yes, you're right, I forgot. We were SO happy that you cheated on me and slept with my best friend and tried to convince me HIS baby was MINE."
"Finn that's not—"
"It's exactly what happened Quinn. We've never really talked about it either, because RACHEL helped me get over the rage I felt about all of that, so I didn't see a need to rehash it once I made my peace about it. Nevermind all the cheating, but making me fall in love with a kid that wasn't even mine? That took some time to get over. So let's talk some more about just how happy you think we were back then. You've had so many choice words about how badly Rachel hurt me or might hurt me again, but she didn't SCREW Puck and get knocked up and LIE to me about it."
"I... I tried to tell you why I hid the truth, I..."
"Quinn I know why you lied, but it doesn't change the fact that you SLEPT WITH MY BEST FRIEND. And you would've never told me at all... Pregnant or not, you wouldn't have told me, would you?"
"I didn't love Puck, it was the wine coolers..."
"Puck told me it was ONE wine cooler and YOU convinced him to have sex."
"He... no, that's not what happened! I mean yes, I was kissing him, but he... he said we wouldn't care about you or what you thought in a few years anyway. He talked me into it and I was too drunk to realize the mistake I was making!"
Jesus Christ. Whether what she's saying now is true or not, it's still two sides of the same shitty coin. Either she's lying or he is. And either way, they both completely screwed me over back then, and now adding that last little comment just tells me everything I need to know. At least now I can walk away with zero regrets.
"Well, you can start the whole not caring what I think part right now. Goodbye, Quinn. We're through here."
X❓X❓X❓X
I cannot believe Mr Schue hired that ASS HAT as a consultant for OUR glee club! GAHH why can't I get him out of my life? And why can't he stay the hell away from Rachel? Now St Jackass has been traipsing around MY school again, and I've seen him talking to her in the choir room a few times, but from what I know she hasn't been like, dating him or anything. At least not from what Kurt's said. It just feels like sophomore year all over... like Groundhog's Day.
I have no idea what was said between the two of them after the prom fiasco. She's been avoiding me for days now, though. We haven't talked since that night at the lake. We barely talked during rehearsals for Jean's funeral a couple days ago and then it was only to go over harmonies for the song.
After our big venting at the lake, I'm pretty sure Rachel knows how I feel about everything now, and I know she knows Quinn and I broke up. Kurt for sure told her all about it (or well, as much as I told him anyway – which wasn't that much).
Maybe that's why she's been avoiding me, thinking I needed space to get past the break up... which yeah, I guess I sort of did. But I'm through with needing or wanting space away from her now, and it's high time I tell her that.
When I watched her performing 'My Man' for her Nationals solo audition, I just knew; she's not done with us yet either. I know she still loves me, and that song just proved it. She's only ever sung that song to me. She has never performed it in glee and has never suggested it for any of our competitions. I still remember why too...
For my birthday last summer, we camped out under the stars in her backyard when her dads were out of town. She sang it to me then as a private performance, said it was part of my birthday gift (well, that and the unbelievable make out session that followed). She told me how that song always made her think of me because it's how she's always felt about me, that no matter what, she'd always belong to me.
It actually kinda hurt a little bit at first to think THAT song reminded her of me, because, well, the lyrics talk about a dude who basically uses his chick and treats her like crap. In fact he sounds like a mega douche, and yet she keeps letting him walk all over her because she just loves him so damn much – which to me sounds like she doesn't think very highly of herself... and plus, was she comparing me to a douche?
I told Rach I'd never treat her like that. She just laughed and said I was overthinking it and missing the point – the point was, no matter what, her heart was mine and always would be, and when she sings that song it's what she's thinking and telling me.
I pray to Grilled Cheesus that's still true.
I've made so many mistakes over the last two years (and okay, maybe I get the mega-douchiness of my own past behavior now), but no more. I'm gonna fix it with her and finally get it right, just like Rachel's song said. So I decided that today I've gotta find her and tell her I wanna try this again, try to be us again. We can have a fresh start and it'll be better than ever now that we've cleared the air. I'm the new and improved Finn Hudson and I want to show her just how much she means to me.
I barely slept at all the night of Jean's funeral. The words in Sue's eulogy just wouldn't let go of my brain or my heart:
When you love someone like I loved her they're a part of you. It's like you're attached by this invisible tether, and no matter how far away you are you can always feel them.
Hearing those words just precisely defined what I've never been able to put my finger on before, but now I know... when I pull on that tether, it's Rachel on the other end. It always has been. I think she managed to sneak in and lasso my heart somewhere in that first couple weeks of glee with some unbreakable vow kinda spell like in Harry Potter.
❓⭐❤️⭐❤️⭐❓
"Hey Kurt! Have you seen Rachel?"
"Um... I think she was headed to the auditorium to practice a song she wanted to pitch to Mr Schue for Nationals. Why?"
"Uh, nothing. I need to speak to her, that's all."
"I see... so this means you're making your move NOW, huh?"
"What? I–"
"Brother dearest, I know that look of determination on your face just as well as I when I see it on hers. You're off to try to win your woman back, right? To put the Chel back with your Fin?"
GRR dammit Kurt... too smart for his own good. Always nosing in on my life! "Just, shhh! Just... please keep quiet about it, alright? I don't need everyone knowing anything yet. I just need to talk to her first. There's no guarantee that she's willing to agree to anything yet."
"Fine, fine. But it certainly took you long enough didn't it?" He lets out a big huff and a tsk. "Well, hold on, don't go empty-handed... You can improve your chances a little. Here — take her this!"
"A giant ceramic pot full of tulips, dirt and all? Kurt, where the hell did this even come from?"
"Sue brought them to the choir room; they're from the funeral. Said she doesn't want reminders lurking around and claims to 'hate flowers and cheerful things', says they give her hives. I think she's still just grieving, and in her way, perhaps brought the flowers to us as a small gesture of thanks. Nevertheless, you can't go off to woo a girl with no offerings. It's far more romantic to bring her flowers!"
"Right. Because nothing says romance like an entire pot full of funeral flowers."
"Alright, you may have a small point there. How about taking just one flower?"
"Yeah, yeah... a single flower is sweet, right? 'Sides, Rach appreciates simplicity like that, y'know?"
"Yes, you're right, she does... you do seem to know her so well, don't you. Okay then, what are you waiting for? Get moving! And good luck!"
❤️⭐🎵❓🎵⭐❤️
Yep, I can tell she's in there, I hear the piano playing. But dammit why is my heart pounding in my throat? I'm shaking now too... shit. Get a grip Hudson, what are you so nervous about? S'not I haven't done this a bunch of times with her already, gone back groveling for forgiveness... Although, if this works out, hopefully it'll be the last time I need to do it. I want this to work, forever.
Crap, the music quit... I hope she's not leaving. Okay, one more deep breath... I can do this.
Shit. What the hell is HE doing in here? I thought he left already...
"Rachel, I did wrong by you last year and I came back to make that wrong right. And I came here to tell you that you're going to be the featured soloist at nationals in New York."
What the hell?! She's hugging him? They look way too friendly... And that jerk-wad is just using his position here as a consultant to get closer to her. He thinks I don't know his games. He's still messing with her head, just like always. But she's surely not gonna fall for it, right?
"But I.. I feel bad. Everyone else worked so hard. Now they're just gonna hate me." Aw babe... nobody will hate you...
"They sort of already do. And you know as well as I that sometimes that's the price of fame. . . I used to think that fame was the only thing that mattered. And now I realize that there's something that matters to me more... You."
Fuck. I can't believe she's falling for his load of crap! I can't believe she's letting him kiss her either! FUUUUCK. I... goddammit. I guess I'm right back to square one, like sophomore year just before a competition? Well, he fucked up once. I'm sure it's only a matter of time til he does it again.
Maybe I should break out the Rick Springfield again?
No... no, wait. It's fine. Learn and grow from my past mistakes and experiences. I need to give her a little space for now. Whatever is happening with him, it doesn't matter. It won't last because it can't; we're TETHERED. And if I know that, then certainly she does too. She gave me space when I needed it... I guess it's time to return the favor. It'll work out the way it's supposed to.
❤️⭐🎵❓🎵⭐❤️
"Is everyone here and accounted for? Everybody line up! I want to get a head count before we board."
Geez, Mr Schue is being awfully paranoid. At least St Jackass is not coming with us (yay!). Maybe now I can figure out what the hell is going on with them... And I'll have eight days of Rachel all to myself, away from his interfering.
"Hey Rach."
"Oh, hi Finn. Are you excited? I'm so excited! Just think, in less than FOUR hours we will be in the most amazing city on earth!"
"Yeah, I'm super stoked!"
"I'm so glad Mr Schuester thought we should do our own songs again... although, I wish he would've decided that sooner. You know, now that I have had some experience at songwriting, I can safely say it doesn't happen in just a day and—"
"Rach, it'll all be good. Everything will work out the way it's supposed to."
"Yes. I hope you're right Finn. I'm just so—"
"Excited?" I gave her a half smile, knowing what it does to her. She smiled so big and bright at me and that overwhelming urge to wrap her in my arms is so hard to fight. But I know I gotta play it cool, at least for now.
"So Rach, you wanna sit together on the plane? We can maybe brainstorm some song ideas together."
"I'd love to, Finn. Did you already have anything in mind?"
"Um... I might have an idea or two. I just don't know if they're any good. I mean, you're the one with the awesome songwriting talent, and I know my stuff can't be that good."
"Don't sell yourself short, Finn! I've always told you, you're very talented. You know, when you told me you didn't want to audition for a solo because you didn't feel 'New York good', it honestly broke my heart. Finn, you need to know you ARE that good. You always have been."
"You really think so, Rach?"
"I know so. I believe in you so much, Finn. You can achieve anything if you set your mind to it, especially if you feel it in your heart. And I'm sure whatever song ideas you have are wonderful, but I'm happy to work on them together with you. Just promise me, promise you won't give up so easily anymore, okay?"
I just smiled so wide and winked at her. "Sure, Rach. You can count on it."
If she only knew...
🎵⭐❤️🎵⭐❤️- fin -❤️⭐🎵❤️⭐🎵
A/N - Yeah, I ended up taking this chapter a lot more A/U than originally planned... As I said, this story really got away from me... =) i could live in this part of finchel land for a LONG time! Sorry for the little delay in adding the final chapter, but once I got through the first 3 parts, i was rethinking the ending point...
Originally I was going to let it fall into canon, Finn & Q's breakup would proceed canonically... they would have gone to the funeral together, but his mind was already set, the eulogy was just a reinforcement. The original plan was Finn stopping at the restroom at the funeral home, having his tether epiphany and deciding he was breaking up with her then and there, that he couldn't wait one more moment. Finn leaves the restroom, the end.
But the way the story took me in the last chapter, I felt in my gut that Q would likely break up with HIM after Finn's prom antics. Then once I got into the Finchel after prom lake scene I knew it would have to be Finn ending things immediately. He already knew he was tethered to Rachel, he just didn't have a label to put on it. Let me know in your reviews, did I make the right choices? Anyway... THANKS FOR READING, HOPE YOU ENJOYED!
