Chapter Seventeen: Regrouping
Chisa found it exceedingly difficult to get back to sleep that night, which was unfortunate because she was exhausted from the past few days. She knew Chiori was right, that she had no business staying in the marriage like she did, but she did what she felt was right to protect her children. She squeezed Yuuta in his sleep, and he wiggled a bit.
She was looking forward to speaking with the Kenshingumi again. She thought about Kaoru, how scared she must have been. If Chisa had just been brave enough to go to the authorities, maybe things would have been different. Maybe they wouldn't have. He already told his targets the time and date he would be appearing, so it's not like the authorities were surprised by his location. Maybe she could have killed him in his sleep. These were all things that went through her mind.
She found herself crying again, grieving for a man she cared for but who no longer had possessed the capacity to care for her. She squeezed Yuuta again and wished she could hold Chiori. By the time she was about to return to sleep, she saw the sun was coming up and everyone else was starting to stir. Once they were awake, there was no point in her trying to sleep.
She got dressed in silence and sat back down on the bed, staring at nothing. Chiori looked at her mother, went to get dressed herself, came back, and sat beside her.
"You know it's best that he's gone." The girl read her expression.
"I know." Chisa whispered, trying not to draw Yuuta's attention.
"I'm glad he's dead." There it was. Exactly what Akari was hoping wouldn't happen.
"I know that too. Please know that things are not that simple for me." Chisa looked at her hands. This was a message she just kept trying to tell everyone. Jin-e's life just wasn't simple.
"I know that. I just wish you could have thought more about us." Chiori looked at Yuuta, who gave a look of confusion.
This hurt Chisa deeply, but was also a source of misguided anger at Chiori. Leaving the marriage was simply not an option in her mind; when things were good with him, he was protective and seemingly normal. He could do all the things a husband would, aside from parenting, and was still a close friend. Kurogasa only appeared once or twice a year at their home, though every time he did, they were memories that she couldn't shake. Chisa chose not to respond to her daughter, said that she was leaving, and walked out the door.
She walked to a restaurant and ate breakfast quietly alone. She wished she could have brought Yuuta with her. He was such a comfort to her. She knew things would change as he got older. She was certain that he would become resentful like his sister, but in the interim she wanted to enjoy his sweet little personality. She wondered if that's what Jin-e could have been like if he would have had a normal childhood; if he wouldn't have joined the Shinsengumi. Probably not. She felt more and more that something was simply broken in him. She prayed every night that it wasn't broken in her son and daughter too.
After eating, she found her way back to the Kamiya Dojo. No one was outside, so she hoped they weren't still asleep. It wasn't that early but she just wasn't certain. Without knowing, Sanosuke hadn't been far behind her on the walk there.
"Morning! You get much sleep last night? You sure look like you didn't." He said bluntly.
Chisa laughed, "I appreciate your honesty. I didn't."
Sano popped his head in the door of the dojo and yelled for the others.
"Come on, let's go inside. It's too chilly out here to just sit around."
Inside, Kenshin had prepared tea and breakfast for the group. Chisa took some tea and took a seat on the floor.
"Did you sleep well, Chisa-dono?" Kenshin asked with a smile.
"I got enough to be here today." She returned the smile.
The five of them chit-chatted for a bit, discussing how the evening went, what their plans are for the next couple of days, this and that.
"Let's see…I believe I left off on the day before he left for the Shinsengumi. I'm afraid I can only provide vague details from rumors of what I heard and what little Jin-e himself told me. He was private about that time in his life. I don't know if he was trying to shelter me and didn't want me to know how things were going, but I didn't hear much. I do know that between the last night we were together before then, and the next time I saw him, he was drastically different. He wasn't a child anymore, though I still felt like I was. There was a look in his eyes that had changed."
Kenshin looked pensive. "Do you know if he was able to use the shin-no-ippo by then?"
"I believe he could. I think that was the whole appeal of his enlistment. He had been in training for around ten years by that time. Again, the whole thing was very secretive. I didn't see it in person until we lived together much later, and even then I didn't know exactly what I had seen."
Chisa told the story of the first time she met Kurogasa, digressing slightly from the original topic. She skipped over the "pity" comment. She was still hurt over that. Afterwards, she regrouped.
"The first time I saw him again was mid-winter in Kyoto, though relatively warm. I had gone with Akari and her son Daisuke to lunch and to walk around to some shops. We noticed there were members of the Shinsengumi filtering around town, and while I was hopeful, I truly didn't think I would run into Jin-e."
"How long had it been since you last saw him?" Kaoru chimed in.
"About six months. I hadn't even heard from him." Chisa added. "Akari, Daisuke, and I were at a temple when suddenly I heard 'Been a long time…' from behind me. There he stood in full regalia. I was impressed."
Yahiko rolled his eyes.
"Akari excused herself and told me that she would meet me back at the house. I was grateful for this, naturally. He looked more confident and rugged. We went to a tea house and sat and talked for around an hour. I was, I hate to say love sick, but truly missed talking to my friend. We talked about how my father was doing, how truly irritating my etiquette classes continued to be, and things like that. Things changed when I asked about him. I told him that it was different seeing him with two swords at his hip, then asked if he was glad he made the decision to enlist. His whole demeanor changed. He shut down. He gave me a simple 'yes, I'm happy to serve a just cause' and that was it. He excused himself and left almost immediately."
"What did you think of that?" Sanosuke asked.
"I thought it was odd, but I just assumed he didn't want to talk about the things he had seen. Maybe he didn't, but I think he didn't want me to have more information than I should."
"Makes sense." Sano continued. "When was the next time you saw him?"
"The next time I saw him was also in Kyoto, maybe three months after that. A similar scenario: I was out and about and ran into him. Unfortunately, it was out and about meeting the family of a potential suitor for me and so it was incredibly uncomfortable. I was at a local restaurant with my father, and the boy and his family. He saw me and father first, and walked over and then saw the other family." Chisa winced slightly.
"How did he react?" Kenshin was still looking deep in thought.
"Did he get pissed?" Sano added.
"Not much a person can do when they refuse marriage. He made a point to speak to me first; just basic small talk. Father asked him how things were going, that manner of thing. Jin-e tried to make it seem a little cozy intentionally I think."
"What happened to the potential suitor?" Kaoru asked.
"It didn't work out for a number of reasons. I don't think Jin-e had anything to do with it, but his little visit made the rest of the dinner slightly uncomfortable. I told my father that I wasn't interested in marriage at that age, and the other family was more ready to move forward." Chisa finished her tea and sat her cup down beside her.
"Did you regret not pursuing that relationship further?" Kaoru grabbed the cup and filled it again.
"I don't. I suppose things happened how they were meant to happen. I do have regrets, but that potential marriage was not one of them. At any rate, those are the types of stories I had of Jin-e for the next four to five years. We would happen on to one another, and once or twice he visited our house. Then one day, he appeared in my room in the middle of the night."
"Why?" Kaoru turned her head.
"I didn't know it but a few weeks before that, he had fled the Shinsengumi and made quite a name for himself in doing so. Allow me to tell you what I know…"