Bartowski Apartment – California - December 2008.
Ah, wedded bliss, Chuck Bartowski thought as he adjusted himself before letting a fart rip. He then looked over the top of his laptop, hoping to get any response from his wife.
She just gave a quick glance, a look of disgust at his reflection through the mirror, still struggling to get her earrings on. It was the most he had been able to get out of her for awhile.
"Gross" She commented bluntly, her tone indicating clearly that she wasn't impressed. "I hope you don't keep that sort of behaviour up this evening, especially because it's your family."
Sinking deeper into his armchair, he crossed his ankles dejectedly as he simply watched her disgust morph into cool indifference.
Chuck sighed quietly. When it looked like no more response or comments would be forthcoming, he couldn't help himself when he added, "I think you look beautiful."
His heart sunk when she simply bent down to tug her heels on, somehow managing to look graceful with her long panty-hosed slender legs. She didn't even acknowledge his compliment. The room was dimly lit by the single light on top of the dresser, but the crimson of her cocktail dress burnt through the semi-darkness, into his retinas, onwards to permanently etch itself onto his mind. Her hair on which she spent an hour on, tumbling in loose, casual waves onto her shoulders. He noted offhandedly that it was a nice change from the standard controlled ponytail that she usually wore.
She was every inch as beautiful as when he had first set eyes on her all those years ago.
There was silence in the room; Chuck could hear his own tinnitus. The years of running around in warzones had taken it's told on his hearing. Add to his misspent youth of having earphones on that were too loud for his own good. Besides the ringing in his ears he could also hear his stomach grumbling as it had been ages since he ate that morning. As for his wife she looked perfectly unruffled and unfazed, her face a mask of impassiveness.
At her non-reply, the chasm between them felt even wider than it had yesterday, as if it opened its mouth two centimetres more each day that went by with each word unspoken between them. The golden light seemed colder now when he looked at it again; instead, the shadows it made were black and grey, cold, lonely- like his marriage.
He wished he'd seen the signs: the way they'd just stopped going out, her business trips taking weeks instead of days, how they never just went out anymore; he couldn't remember the last time they had breakfast together.
Kisses were no longer passionate, just a passing peck on the cheek. When had her kisses start feeling so unemotional? The way they seemed to be living together, but not living it together.
From the start, he had wondered, every day, why she had set up a lunch date and then been willing to make it a regular thing. What he thought started as a lunchtime companionship, because she was new in town morphed into something a lot more. He could not believe why she had jumped at his proposal, a proposal that had involuntarily past his lips, despite knowing full well that he didn't make enough for anything more than this two bedroom apartment on the eighth floor. Perhaps she was as needy as he was, coming from a broken home, and lacked the parental comfort, love and support that he also craved but couldn't get. He didn't know much about her family or history, only to know that she had no one from her side turn up for their wedding almost three years ago.
Chuck knew he was only average, he had an average life, and he was not an exciting man, he had spent too much time running around playing soldier or he would spend too much time at work. He was often exhausted by the time the weekend came around. At the time, catching someone like Sarah Walker was an amazing achievement that he had pursued with the utmost enthusiasm. His friends all told him he was punching above his weight division. Now he had the woman, but it was much less fulfilling than he had imagined it being in his fantasies of their ideal future he'd had when they had exchanged vows.
He knew he couldn't afford to treat her the way she ought to be treated, the way he longed to treat her. Her beauty deserved better than what he was able - deserved more of what he could not give her.
Now all that was left was echoes of laughter and fading memories, forgotten in the midst of this quietness between them.
He wondered where in the track it had started, was it the way he left constantly, deployed to war-torn countries months at a time, leaving Sarah by herself? Or had it been festering from the start, hidden under infatuation and her affectionate teasing?
As he stared at the bare skin on her back, she spoke, and his eyes snapped up to her in the mirror. She wasn't looking at him as she checked herself over again, tugging on her dress to make it sit right.
"Thank you."
With a lump stuck in his windpipe, holding his breath, he tried not to look too shocked at her omission. A bubble of hope fizzled in his chest.
Clearing his throat, he stood up.
"I'll go and warm up the car," He said quietly, as he made his way to the garage.
He watched her get into the car, as she gracefully slid into the seat beside him.
She returned his gaze, impatient. Looking away, he put his hand on the gear lever, watching dispassionately as the garage door rolled up slowly, exposing the outside world where they were Mr. and Mrs. Charles Bartowski, young, happily married couple of nearly three years.
Hearing the click of her seat-belt, and with nothing to distract him from her presence, he clenched his icy hand a few times, stopping abruptly when he remembered the times she used to hold onto it, warming it up herself. With jerky movements, he adjusted the rear view mirror unnecessarily before returning his hand to the gear lever, tracing the Mercedes logo on the knob, as the fingers of his other hand tapped the wheel in a frantic beat.
Sarah was looking out of the window on her side, and Chuck was almost relieved. As long as she pretended to be interested in something outside, he wouldn't feel the urge to babble to fill the frozen stillness.
Desperate, he needed to break the silence; he reached for the radio, pre-tuned to his favourite station.
"...Hello, Frank Walker from National Tiles..."
The man with the grating voice trying to sell tiles came through the speakers, and Chuck winced. Why did his favourite radio station have the most annoying ads? He flipped between stations as he slowly let the car roll out on to the roadway.
As he fiddled with the buttons, he kept an eye on the road, his melancholy increasing as the streetlights flickered quickly past.
The station was left to blare out music as his attention was pulled away to the approaching traffic lights.
He remembered this song, his body humming to the gentle falls and rises in the music as his lips moved to the lyrics.
"..It only hurts when I'm laughing, when I'm laughing, when I'm laughing, I'm laughing now!"
Chuck let out a slow breath, almost managing to smile when he thought of the New Zealand band that played at the nightclub while he was on holiday just a few years ago. The band had brief success in the 1980s but were still touring twenty years later. His wistful voice twisted its way around his sub-consciousness brain, squeezing painfully as he continued to sing through the radio, resonating through the car, his clear voice seeming to penetrate his thoughts.
He almost forgot about the woman beside him as he murmured the words under his breath
" There's loneliness, And there's pain, I guess I lost it then, Oh the shame,
There's no sun in the sky, No sweetness in your words, No feeling in your touch, I can only take so much"
Suddenly, Sarah pushed her finger on the volume button, the music abruptly stopped in the car. The suffocating silence was causing ringing in Chuck's ears. Sarah had not seen the band perform live. While they were on the same trip, Sarah was with someone else. A relationship that Sarah would rather forget. The silence became nearly unbearable and remained that way until the destination was reached.
"So!" she said to break the silence. "I intend to have a few drinks tonight, will you be in a fit state to drive us home?"
It was the only time during the journey that she looked at him and she wasn't turning away without an answer.
Chuck could only manage to squeeze out a "Yeah sure."
"Sarah!" A brunette woman called as she opened the door. Ellie rushed over the threshold, clasping both of them tightly to her body as she shook them in her excitement.
"It's nice to see you too, sis," Chuck said, his beam stretching from one side of his face to the other, holding tightly to her hand as if it were a lifeline, coincidentally no hands spare to hold Sarah's.
"Hi Ellie," Sarah said warmly, and Chuck almost looked at her in surprise; he would have if this was the first time he had seen her change her mood completely in front of his sister. Her normal frigid, almost condescending voice was no where in sight, as if it were a different woman beside him… or the former Sarah Walker he had fallen in love with, who now finally made an appearance after an extended vacation. Her jaw was relaxed, not clenched tight as it tended to be whenever she was forced to speak to him alone at home.
"Sarah!" Ellie repeated again fondly, as if looking at a favourite protégé. "How's my baby brother been looking after you?"
There was a pause before Sarah answered, smiling, "Oh, we tend to stay out of each others way for the most part."
Yeah, she wasn't kidding.
Ellie laughed, pulling her into the house to greet the host, "Well, that's how a successful marriage works!" She said, rolling her eyes, "That's the best way to avoid fights."
Was it ever?
As the ladies moved off, Chuck closed the front door slowly, resting his forehead against it for a second before turning around to see Devon approach.
"Chuckster!"
"Hi Devon."
"Good to see you make it." The bigger man said as he slung an arm around Chuck's shoulder and gave a friendly squeeze. The level of noise increased the closer they approached the main party, and they turned the corner to see Ellie and Sarah sitting in a group of animated women.
"So, Chuck!" Kerry called as he came into view with Awesome's arm still slung over his shoulder. "When are you and Sarah going to pop us a baby to coo over?"
Chuck froze under the Captain's grip. Involuntarily, his eyes met Sarah's. For the first time in a long time, there was emotion in her eyes as she stared back like a deer caught in headlights. The rest of the women tittered encouragingly as they looked from one to the other. Sarah looked very uncomfortable, hemmed in on both sides by one pregnant woman, and one very overweight one.
Luckily Ellie came to the rescue, despite looking disappointed. She had been pestering him and Sarah to give her baby someone to play with ever since she found out she was pregnant five months ago.
"Don't worry," She assured the other women, winking at Chuck, and nudging Sarah playfully in the ribs, "They will. It's New Years Eve tomorrow night!"
Devon squeezed Chuck painfully as he added boisterously, "Way to herald in the New Year!" He said cheerfully.
Chuck only laughed nervously. He was pretty sure baby-making involved two people.
Left alone, Chuck headed for the kitchen, he could really use a stiff drink so he checked what was available in the refrigerator. He bent forward to allow himself the chance to pursue what his brother in law had stocked for the party. Resting his forehead on an arm as he scanned the contents unable to decide what would favour his palate. He heard a noise behind him so his instinct was to turn around.
"Carina!" He cried in surprise as he stepped back, straight into the fridge door, knocking the back of his head against it.
She grinned like a mischievous cat. "Hi Chuckles."
Smiling forcefully, Chuck chuckled nervously, "Hi," After a pause, Carina standing there unmoving, she continued, "Uh, could you... you know..."
"Oh right." Chuck moved so he could re-open the fridge door, inside was a large collection of alcoholic drinks. Chuck point to a premium beer that he knew she liked. Carina nodded knowingly, so Chuck reached in to grab a couple of bottles.
Chuck handed one to her and then one for himself before he closed the door.
Standing in close proximity Chuck twisted the top off his drink the proceeded to do the same to Carina's. The two clinked bottles and both to a swig. Chuck's was more of a gulp.
"What are you doing here?" Chuck asked, eying her emerald cocktail dress. She just smiled at his question, seeming unaffected that she was a lone wheel in this gathering of couples.
"Ellie invited me", she answered, "I was a bridesmaid for her wedding, remember?"
"How could I ever forget?" Chuck answered, rolling his eyes. Carina had also been a bridesmaid at his wedding. She was the only one at Chuck's wedding that he hadn't known prior to meeting Sarah. She was a last minute fill-in at Ellie's wedding when on of the originals suddenly got very ill.
Carina grinned, shrugging. "Anyway, I'm here to inform Sarah. The boss wants her to go on another trip. This time I'm going as well."
Chuck's heart sank. There went another chance to spend time with his wife. She'd only just got back after spending five weeks or so in India. She never discussed the details of any of these trips. At the beginning, she'd placated him with the excuse that it was too complicated and it'd take too long to explain, systematically taking his mind off the subject by distracting him with a kiss and a cuddle that would lead on to more intimate things. Now, she merely ignored his questions, simply sending him a warning look that instantly halted his questions.
With a tired sigh, he responded, "Business?"
"Business. We're making a lot of progress with contracts and sales" Carina confirmed with a nod.
Quietly he commented to himself, "It always is." Louder, he says, "Where to this time?"
She waved her hands around lethargically as if pointing to an imaginary map spread between them, "Oh you know..."
"No, I don't," Chuck says harshly, trying to contain the swell of disappointment that rose.
Carina looked at him sharply, an odd look for someone like her. Her features softened to resemble something like sympathy when she caught his unspoken apology. "Berlin or Budapest or Bucharest. Somewhere in Europe anyway."
Chuck felt his shoulders slump, a giveaway response for Carina's observant eyes. She'd always been oddly perceptive about his emotions.
"Hasn't she been there already?" He asked, trying to mitigate the bitterness in his tone. Does she even know Romanian? He knew his wife had a wide knowledge of languages, one of her majors being language, but he had never figured exactly how many she knew.
Looking supremely unconcerned, she shrugged, "Her clients requested that they want to do a follow up deal and you have to keep your clients happy."
Seeing Carina peer at him closely under the guise of picking at her fingernail, he rearranged his features, forcing a smile onto his face, "That's good,"
Chuck was envious of Carina because he couldn't believe that Carina could be in touch with Sarah when he was never able too. Chuck could never get through to her phone when she was on these overseas trips. Not even when he made sure he got the time zones right, and rung at a time he was sure she wouldn't be busy with work.
"I'm going to be away too," She said, "So we won't be able to have fun while Sarah's away."
Chuck's spirits raised an iota, as he couldn't help a little chuckle.
A huge hand clapped his shoulder before he could answer, making him lurch forward.
"Chuck, bro!" Devon boomed behind him, "You're making people suspicious with your little rendezvous with this pretty lady here," He said smirking good-naturedly.
As his brother-in-law diverted his attention, Carina waved at him. She slipped past the men to re-join the rest of the houseguests. Devon and Chuck followed Carina's lead, the level of noise increased as they approached the main party.
The next day Chuck would watch his wife pack her bags to get ready to leave.