Present Day
Kaede looked nervous.
Well, to most people, she probably looked blank-faced and relaxed, but to Kisuke, she looked as she had when first meeting the Shinigami team a few weeks prior: too carefully blank to be truly at ease.
"You ready to do this?" he asked.
"Of course."
"I told Renji and Sado-kun to take a few days off to recover," he told her, watching her reactions carefully. "And I have Tessai putting up extra wards. There won't be any leaks or interruptions."
She nodded with a curt, "Good. What about the kids?"
"Jinta and Ururu are safe," he assured her. "I've told them in no uncertain terms that they're to stay upstairs and mind the shop. They're not thrilled about it, but they'll keep out of our hair."
Another quick nod. "Let's get on with this."
She unsheathed her Zanpakuto and sat down, laying the sword across her lap. Kisuke watched for a moment as she began to meditate before heading back upstairs. He'd check on her periodically, but knowing Kaede, she'd be more comfortable without anyone else in the vicinity.
An hour went by. He peeked into the training dome: no change.
Three hours. No change.
Five hours.
Twelve. He was almost tempted to approach her and see if she'd fallen asleep, but the hum of power radiating from her told him that wasn't the case.
Thirty-six hours.
Forty-eight.
Four full days passed, and still there was no hint of manifestation. Kisuke carefully approached Kaede's seated figure. Sweat beaded on her temple, and though her breath was steady, he could feel the strain in the air around her as he got closer.
"Kaede," he called gently. "Come on out of it."
She opened her eyes and took in a gasp of air. "It isn't working."
"It's only been a few days," he reminded her. "Take a break. Most people take years to get to the manifestation stage-"
"We don't have years!" Her voice sounded hoarse and dry. "We have weeks, maybe only days!"
"There are still at least two months before the Hogyoku awakens-"
"You know that's bullshit," she growled. "He's clearly been using it already, at least in bursts. How else would he have a whole army of Arrancar already, when there were maybe only two or three a century ago?"
Kisuke sat back on his heels. It was true…between Soul Society's limited knowledge of Arrancar and what Kaede had told him in her letter a century prior, true Arrancar were an exceedingly rare occurrence. Yet, just in the past month, they'd encountered more than half a dozen, and several of those had been considered "low ranking." That one that Ichigo had fought, Grimmjow, was reportedly ranked number 6, so there were at least five even stronger than him…
"For all we know, Aizen has been experimenting with creating Arrancar for decades," Kisuke pointed out. "And we could just be seeing his army now because he's ready to tip his hand."
Kaede shook her head. "I was part of those experiments. With our incomplete Hogyoku, we couldn't make a single stable Arrancar. They all self-destructed within hours."
Kisuke's first thought was that it had been a century since she'd been involved and perhaps Aizen had evolved his methods…but she had a point. "You know the Hogyoku better than anyone else. How do you think he's been able to use it so soon?"
She swallowed. "His own reiatsu. The Hogyoku responds to strong spirit energy. Whenever we…fed it, I guess you could say, it would briefly 'wake up' for a couple seconds. Not really enough to direct it, though…unless one of us 'fed' it directly with our own energy."
Kisuke's brow furrowed. "You'd give it your own energy?"
"I didn't," she clarified with a small shudder. "I…I never really liked the thing, to be honest. When I - when we made it-" She glanced down at her Zanpakuto. "-it nearly consumed me whole. Mono no Aware was the one that contained it in the end. I kinda avoided touching it after that."
That made Kisuke perk up. "Wait - your Zanpakuto spirit had a direct hand in creating the Hogyoku?"
"Well, yeah," she shrugged. "I certainly didn't do it on my own."
"Then you've manifested its spirit before," he breathed, the implications washing over him in a rush. The trouble she was having now had nothing to do with it being her first time attempting Bankai; if this was true, then she'd been capable of it for at least two centuries already. The only thing holding her back now, he suspected, was herself.
"I don't know that I did," Kaede murmured, leaning her forehead into her hand. "And I definitely don't know how it happened. I asked Mono no Aware to help me, and…well, they did. But I don't remember physically manifesting it, at least not consciously."
"Still, it's clearly possible for you," Kisuke said. "I'm not gonna suggest we recreate those circumstances of course-"
"Good, because no way in hell am I doing that again."
"-but it gives us a better starting point," he finished. "This may seem overly simplistic, but have you tried just…asking your Zanpakuto to come out?"
Kaede gave him a look that showed exactly how dumb she found that suggestion to be.
Kisuke held up his hands in surrender. "Okay, okay, fine…but it could just be a communication issue. Have you been doing jinzen these past few weeks?"
She glanced aside. "Of course."
A warning bell went off in Kisuke's head. Kaede was good at hiding things, as evidenced by their time in Soul Society, but he had practically raised her. He'd ignored these gut feelings and nagging warnings too many times, and look where it got them. He couldn't afford to ignore them now, not when they were telling him that she was lying.
"So you've told Mono no Aware what you want to do?" he prodded. "What did they say about it?"
There it was - a slight tick in her jaw, and a hesitant silence that spoke volumes. Kisuke sighed. "You haven't been doing jinzen, have you?"
"I have," she insisted, a little too quickly for his liking. At his raised brow, she sagged. "I've…tried. It's like when I was still sealed. I can hear Mono no Aware's voice, I can feel my inner world, but it's like looking through a garden wall that I can't scale."
"Have you tried?"
Her jaw tightened, and once again, her silence told him what he needed to know.
He was hesitant to ask, but she was right: They were running out of time. He didn't have the luxury of being gentle about this. "When was the last time you went to your inner world?"
Her breath became shallow, and when she did answer, there was a strain in her voice. "Before."
He didn't have to ask what she meant. It was the one event she still wouldn't speak of, the one he still didn't know the full details about. The last time she'd faced her husband hadn't just scarred her, it had poisoned her to the point that she wouldn't even allow herself to heal. Issues with jinzen…It was possible that her own mind was trying to keep her out, protect her from whatever she might find there. It was more likely, though, that she was blocking herself.
Kisuke's jaw clenched, but he beat back his own rage and resentment. This wasn't about him, or his feelings of inadequacy in the face of what she'd been through. There wasn't much he could do about any of that right now; he had to focus on the problem at hand.
Kaede took in a deep breath and straightened her spine, her carefully blank mask sliding back into place with eerie ease. "What about the tenshintai?"
Kisuke eyed her warily. "What about it?"
Her eyes rolled. "Please. I know you probably have one lying around somewhere. It's how you helped Kurosaki Ichigo obtain Bankai, right?"
"First of all," he said, raising one finger, "I wasn't with him in Soul Society when he trained for it, and second, Yoruichi made a judgment call because they were on an even stricter timeline than we currently are. Third: While Kurosaki-san has had his fair share of unfortunate life events, it's nothing compared to what you've been through."
"It's not a competition."
"No, it isn't. But he was ready to face the trials before him."
"I am ready."
"Are you?" Kisuke challenged. "Bringing your Zanpakuto into the physical plane will mean little if you can't face it in your own mind."
"And if I can't make Mono no Aware submit to me and tell me how we made the Hogyoku in the first place-" Kaede's voice rose in clear frustration. "We don't have time to waste on having me meditate for days on end when we don't know that it'll even work. But we do know that the tenshintai will make my Zanpakuto manifest, and that at least gives us more to work with." Her forehead fell back into her hand. "I can finally do something about my mistakes."
Kisuke wasn't sure if he found her stubbornness more reassuring or aggravating.
"I told you that you wouldn't be alone in this, Kaede," he said softly. "I have no intention of making you face him alone. Not again."
And not when you still can't face yourself.
"You didn't make me do anything last time," Kaede answered, just as quietly. "I chose."
And it nearly broke you, he didn't say aloud. No, it did break her, and he'd barely been able to put the pieces back together.
Kaede lifted her chin and finally met his eyes with her own. "I'm choosing again now - I already have. I said I'd do whatever it takes to take him down, right? That means we need things he won't be prepared for, things he won't already know about - and that means me, with Bankai."
Kisuke sighed. He knew all too well how stubborn she could be, especially when faced with a test - and he was proud of how resilient she was, how she continually stood back up and refused to be trampled. She'd been like that from the beginning, and seeing that defiant look on her face again…he was reminded of the bright-eyed child he'd fought so hard to keep alive.
"You'll only have three days," he reminded her. "The tenshintai forcibly separates your Zanpakuto spirit from your soul. Staying like that for too long could cause irreparable damage, even for someone with your unique reiatsu. You might even wind up-"
"Don't tell me," she interrupted, her eyes lighting up with that cautious optimism he knew all too well. "I'll make it work."
He hoped she would.
He brought out the tenshintai and backed away to what he hoped was a safe distance. Kaede unsheathed Mono no Aware and, in one smooth movement, impaled the stylized dummy.
Reiatsu burst from the puncture with the force of a shockwave, carrying with it that sense of primordial unraveling Kisuke had first felt all those centuries ago. Instinctively, his arms came up to shield his face; all around him, the artificial boulders and plateaus of his underground training dome crumbled from the force of the release.
But nothing touched him.
When he dared uncover his face, his eyes went wide. Everything around them had indeed crumbled, but nothing had fallen. The broken landscape remained suspended like so many particles trapped in a gel, frozen in a moment of destruction. He could still move freely, though the shock of what he was seeing and feeling kept him rooted in place. The atmosphere reminded him of when Tessai used forbidden space-time Kido; it was that same sense of complete stillness, not the peaceful sort, but the kind that made him feel like he was poised on a precipice, waiting to fall.
Then his eyes found Kaede and, more importantly, the figure that stood - sat - floated? - before her.
It worked.
Kisuke had always been curious about what form her Zanpakuto took, how this reflection of her soul might appear, and now he was staring straight at it. The figure was suspended like the landscape around them, almost unmoving except for the placid floating of its long, blacker-than-black hair and its flowing kimono. Kisuke blinked hard a few times; no, it wasn't a trick of the light…he genuinely couldn't perceive where the hair and clothes ended, like his mind wasn't grasping the very concept of "ending" and "beginning."
But its face…Kisuke wasn't sure what he'd expected, but the serene, almost sad smile and endlessly black eyes weren't it. He blinked, and the face was suddenly skeletal, demonic almost, with its exposed, pointed teeth; he blinked again, and the form flickered into something almost familiar, though his mind refused to tell him why that was. Another blink, and it was back to the porcelain doll-like visage.
"Hello, Kaede," said a voice that seemed to come simultaneously from the figure and from the very air around them. "It has been some time."
Kisuke tore his eyes away from the figure of Mono no Aware and looked at Kaede, only to find that her own face was pale and confused.
"Why…why do you look like that? You didn't look like that last time…" She made a move like she was raising her sword, but there was nothing in her hand. "Stop it," she demanded, stepping back from the spirit. "Change back! Show your true face!"
The spirit's head tilted ever-so-slightly. "What is my 'true face?'"
Kisuke glanced between the two, a twinge of worry growing in his gut. He'd never seen a Shinigami not recognize their own Zanpakuto before, or accuse it of being somehow false. Oh, he'd heard of Zanpakuto giving false names on occasion, but this…this was odd. He'd grabbed the correct tenshintai, right?
He ventured closer, leaning in to ask Kaede under his breath, "This is your Zanpakuto, right?"
She swallowed and nodded, never taking her eyes off the figure. "It is…but-"
"Well, then the rest is up to you," he quickly added, before turning a bright grin to the spirit. "I assume you know why you're here?"
The spirit didn't move, but Kisuke had the distinct impression that it had turned its attention fully on him. It was in the unsettling feeling of being completely seen, of being picked apart at the seams so that every iota of him was exposed. It made him want to hide, to use every trick he knew to throw that attention away from him, yet he knew in his bones that none of them would work. There was no hiding from this…this awareness, no amount of misdirection that would spare him from the nauseating reality of it.
"Urahara Kisuke," the spirit's voice stated, and just his name on its tongue carried his entire existence. "And Kannonbirake Benihime Aratame…the master of puppets."
Kisuke's breath caught in his chest. How…how did it know the full name of his Bankai? Was the spirit somehow aware of how he'd saved Kaede's life a hundred years ago? Was that even possible, when Kaede herself had been on the brink of death?
"You answered our call," he heard the spirit say.
Call? What did it - then a memory flashed through his mind of a reiatsu flare, then another, signals that had led him directly to Kaede on that rainy night a hundred years ago.
His eyes went wide in realization. "That was you?"
Now it was Kaede looking between the two, confused. "What was what?"
Kisuke kept his eyes on the implacable spirit. He wasn't sure how - wait, had Kaede not heard what the spirit said? Was it even possible for a Zanpakuto spirit to speak privately to someone other than its wielder, let alone to create a signal without its wielder's knowledge?
He had so many questions, but now wasn't the time. The clock was already ticking. "I'll just leave you two to it," he said, one hand holding his hat down as he retreated to sit on the stairs that led back to the shop above. He could no longer hear Kaede as she spoke with her Zanpakuto, but he could keep an eye on things. As he brought his hand back down to his side, he noticed that it was trembling slightly - no, his whole body was trembling. He lifted his eyes back to the two figures facing each other.
What ARE you?
Kaede's heart pounded as she forced herself to look at the spirit in front of her. This was wrong…Mono no Aware hadn't looked like this the last time they'd met.
"Why?" she asked finally, a few moments after Kisuke had left. "Why do you look like that again?"
"What does this visage mean to you?" the spirit countered.
Her entire body tensed as she fought against the memories. This was how Mono no Aware had first appeared to her. It was, in a way, the "safe" version of the spirit, its appearance awesome but unthreatening, otherworldly yet strangely beautiful. The moment Kaede first saw it again, she'd been transported back to the sakura grove that made up the first version of her inner world, and to the circumstances that led her there in the first place.
When Sousuke freed her…
Her very organs shook within her. No, he hadn't "freed" her; he'd unsealed her in order to gain control over her. She couldn't keep thinking of it as being "freed," and she didn't want to think about the "good" times because they hadn't been real, right? They hadn't been true, they'd just been what she wanted them to be at the time, and she couldn't - she wouldn't allow herself to want them again!
"They were real," the spirit told her. "And they were true, as anything in this world is 'real' or 'true.' They happened, and that cannot be denied."
"I can't," Kaede protested, her voice trembling. She couldn't do this. Already her heart wanted to burst, letting her blood spill out like so many tears, and she couldn't let that happen. Not here. Not now.
"If not now, then when?" asked the spirit. "You cannot move forward by discarding truth."
Kaede tightened her hands into fists and forced herself to stand firm. "That's not what this is about. Lives are at stake! What he wants to do with the Hogyoku could endanger all of existence!"
"That has no meaning here."
A hot wave of anger and disbelief washed over her. "The hell it doesn't! That's the whole reason I came back, the whole reason we're here right now! If he succeeds, hundreds of thousands will die, and that's just the beginning."
"That does not concern me."
"Well, it concerns me," Kaede seethed, glaring at the spirit. "Which means it concerns you, whether you like it or not. You helped me make the Hogyoku, now I need your help to unmake it and save billions of lives."
The spirit stared back at her with its unreadable, mask-like face. "It cannot be unmade."
"Destroyed, then," Kaede snapped, unsure if the spirit was being sincere or simply playing with semantics. "Whatever you want to call it, we need to do it. That's the surest path to victory right now."
"That which you call the 'Hogyoku' does not belong in this world," the spirit said. "Nor can it be removed from it."
"It was made in this world," Kaede argued back. "It was made from this world! How can it not be removed, or unmade, or destroyed?"
"It is what it was made to be - a defiance of reality." The spirit's endlessly dark eyes seemed to pierce into Kaede's soul. "It cannot be removed from that which it defies, just as that which it has wrought cannot be reversed."
Kaede felt like there wasn't enough air, like the world around her was tilting on its axis while she remained at a fixed point. "There has to be something…if we can't take the Hogyoku off the table…"
She'd have to fight him. Sure, by going after the Hogyoku, she doubted she'd avoid him entirely, but…not like this…
"What are you afraid of?"
The last thing she saw as she fell was his face -
Kaede's nails bit into her palms. "Then I at least need Bankai," she said, her tongue dry and voice cracking. "Please…just help me do this."
The spirit was silent for a moment, and Kaede feared its answer. Then, after what felt like an eternity of being balanced on the head of a pin, it spoke.
"To achieve what you've termed 'Bankai,'" it said, "you must first uncover what you call my 'true face.'"
Kaede frowned. "But you said you don't have a 'true' face."
"I asked you what my 'true face' was," the spirit corrected. "You made the assumption that this meant I had none."
Biting back an aggravated sigh, Kaede had to admit the spirit was right. "Fine. Please show me your true face so we can get on with this."
"You must uncover it for yourself. I cannot do that for you."
"Well, had to try asking," she muttered with a shrug. The last time she'd cracked the spirit's mask…she'd been holding her sword in her inner realm. She had no sword now, but that didn't mean she had no means. "Hard way it is, then."
She flash-stepped at the spirit, not directly at first, but using evasive moves meant to keep it from predicting when and where she'd strike. But whenever she got close, the spirit was just out of reach, calmly floating away. Kaede kept up the pursuit, trying to back the spirit into a corner. At last, Kaede managed to coral her Zanpakuto against the border of the training dome. The spirit stopped moving, and she could finally reach its face - but she touched only air. No…not quite. She was still moving, still reaching, but she couldn't touch the spirit.
Of course.
"First Truth," she uttered resignedly, pulling herself back. "All is Void. You are my Zanpakuto, after all."
"Is that what I am to you?" the spirit inquired. "What is a Zanpakuto?"
"You are a Zanpakuto," Kaede retorted. "Why would you ask me?"
"Do you know what you are?"
She paused, struck by her own answer.
No. She did not.
She wasn't a Shinigami; she'd given up that title long before leaving Soul Society. Even when she did identify with it, it never sat quite right, like an ill-fitted shirt. Yet…she had a Zanpakuto, and for all that Mono no Aware drove her mad sometimes, she couldn't say that it felt wrong to wield it. Did having a Zanpakuto mean that she was, by default, a Shinigami, whether she identified as one or not?
What was she?
A wave of energy struck her then, knocking the air from her diaphragm and sending her hurdling backwards through the floating rocks. Slamming into solid ground didn't hurt at first; she was too stunned for the impact to register as pain. Only when she tried to move did her entire body protest in a cacophony of dull aches and sharp, burning stings.
"What the fuck?!" she demanded. "What's that about?!"
"Until you know yourself," the spirit answered, "you cannot know Truth."
Suddenly it was directly over her, looming, imposing, though its appearance hadn't yet changed.
"Fine," Kaede conceded, getting to her feet. "What does that have to do with me throwing me across the-"
The spirit's hand shot out from the folds of its robes and grasped her throat, cutting her off. "Knowing oneself is not simply a matter of careful thought. It is revealed through action."
Kaede clawed at the hand, but it was like clawing at marble. She tried to kick the spirit as it lifted her, but her feet never made contact. She flailed as the hand slowly squeezed around her windpipe, cutting off her air; in a desperate move, she tried to instead kick at the rocks, at a wall, at anything around her that could give her enough leverage to do something, but the rocks hung loosely in the air and there was nothing!
"Will you simply give up?" questioned the spirit, its tone mild as ever, as though it wasn't currently choking the life out of her. "Would you truly rather die than know your true self?"
Something sparked in Kaede then. Whether survival instinct, spite, or something else, she didn't know, but it didn't matter; it came with something she did know.
She had power.
Her body continued to panic for air, but she had long ago mastered her body. Instead, she focused on something else she could feel: the reishi around her, within her, energy that answered to her call. It wasn't nearly as dense here as in Soul Society or Hueco Mundo, but it was enough.
She kicked out to the side again, and this time, her foot hit something solid. The ambient reishi had responded to her command, giving her a much-needed foothold and allowing her to swing her other leg up and around. It still didn't touch the spirit, but the motion was enough to dislodge her from the spirit's grasp. She fell to the ground, coughing and gasping.
"I won't die here," she told the spirit. Speaking made her throat burn, and her voice was little more than a croak, but the words came out with a strength she hadn't felt in a long time. "I made a promise to stay alive."
Was it her imagination, or did the spirit's painted lips stretch into a satisfied smile? "Then show me your true face, Sorano Kaede."
Kaede rose to her feet, her skin tingling as she stretched her senses outward. Her "true" face, her "true" self? She was power. Reishi answered to her, not the other way around - and it was about time her Zanpakuto realized that.
Energy gathered around the spirit, and Kaede pressed it in, confining the spirit - and then she kept pushing. She didn't need to physically touch Mono no Aware's face, not with her hands, nor with a sword; she could reach it from here, from anywhere, with a thought.
She closed her hands, and the reishi crashed into the spirit's opalescent visage, crushing it like eggshell. Her whole body hummed with satisfaction at the act of finally breaking through the spirit's outer shell, of embracing her own power…
It is your power, no one else's, and you decide its use.
The voice - the memory of it - shot through Kaede like an electric shock.
That was his voice. Those were his words to her, and with them came many more.
That's my woman…my queen…my goddess..
The reishi slipped from her grasp. No…no, she wasn't any of those things! This wasn't who she was, wasn't who she wanted to be - she couldn't be those anymore, she'd never been them in the first place!
She fell to her knees as the spirit's mask dissolved. No longer was it the lovely, tranquil face she'd first encountered so long ago. It still resembled a mask, but one of bone and teeth. The hair that had flowed serenely was now matted and wild; the ever-shifting silken kimono was tattered and hung off a skeletal figure.
Although panting from the effort, Kaede felt herself relax a bit at last. "There you are."
This version of the spirit was more honest, more reflective of her strange, destructive power and how monstrous she'd been back then.
"Is this what we are?" the spirit asked, its gong-like voice at odds with its terrifying appearance. "What you are?"
"Isn't it?" Kaede responded, her stomach churning. "We - I did horrible things. I helped make all this happen. Those were my decisions, my actions." She pushed herself back to her feet. "You said it yourself: one's true self is revealed through action, right?"
"You still do not accept your own potential," the spirit mused. "You continue to close your eyes to what is possible."
The spirit then opened its arms, its bony, claw-like hands curling outward. Kaede felt a shift in the atmosphere: the reishi she'd commanded seconds ago rushed toward the spirit, condensing before her eyes into…light? Before she could make out a shape, the energy shot back out at her, and she moved without thinking, her body driven by survival and instinct to avoid being hit.
"There is so much more you can do," she heard the spirit say, "if you would lift the limits you impose upon yourself."
Kaede had no time to ponder Mono no Aware's words; more bolts of reishi came at her. She dodged the first wave and tried to find cover, but the floating rocks did little to shield her. A bolt hit her shoulder, another her leg, tearing into her muscles with a sting she felt in her bones. She kept moving, kept dodging and feinting - but then there was no where else to go. She was backed into a corner at the edge of the arena. Another bolt pierced her side, knocking her back into the wall; her injured leg buckled beneath her and was her Zanpakuto actually trying to kill her?!
In desperation, she held up her arm in a pathetic attempt to shield herself. Her eyes squeezed shut, a single imperative echoing in her mind:
Not like this!
She felt the reishi bolts hit her arm…and bounce off. Breathing hard, Kaede opened her eyes. All around her, reishi bolts had pierced the ground, the rocks - but not her. They fizzled out of existence as she tried to catch her breath.
"What…the hell…?" She was sure she'd been hit, and not just on her arm: holes in her shirt and pants proved that she'd been struck all over, and yet…she had no new injuries. Not only that: the places where the bolts had pierced her flesh…they were already healed. No blood, barely even a mark was left behind.
She lifted her eyes toward the spirit and its demonic face - a face that reminded her of a Hollow's mask.
"Is that what we are?" she asked it. "Are you a Hollow? Am I a Fullbringer? What the hell am I?!"
"Does the name matter?" the spirit challenged. "Are not all things the same at their core?"
A frustrated growl ripped from Kaede's throat. "We're not talking about atoms or spirit particles! Me. You. What are we, really?"
"Why do you wish to know?"
"So I can understand! Isn't that what you want me to do? To 'know myself?' Well, I'm trying to do that!"
The spirit was quiet for a moment, as though contemplating her. Kaede inwardly squirmed under its gaze.
"Why were you unharmed just now?" the spirit finally asked her.
"That's what I want to know," Kaede pleaded. "How did I do that?"
"Not 'how,'" the spirit corrected. "You continue to ask the wrong questions."
"Then what's the 'right' question?"
"Why," the spirit emphasized. "The mechanism of 'how' is ultimately meaningless without 'why.'"
Kaede blinked. Why…? Wasn't that obvious? "Because you were attacking me! I was defending myself, I just don't know how!" Another realization hit her then, one that seemed too ridiculous to even consider before. "You - you could have killed me! Is that what you're trying to do? Aren't you a part of me? If I die, you die, too!"
"And yet you didn't die. Why is that?"
"I don't know!"
Something about the spirit seemed to sag a little, almost like it was disappointed. "Then we will continue until you do."
Kisuke sat at the top of the stairs. A pensive frown had taken up residence on his face. One hand held his chin as he continued to watch the battle between wielder and weapon; the other hand worried a woven band that glowed green with spirit energy.
A soft "clink" sounded just behind him, followed by Ururu's meek voice. "Ano…Urahara-san…we brought you some tea and breakfast…"
Jinta's more rambunctious tones followed her. "So is that lady gonna take all month? 'Cause at this rate, Ururu an' me'll be takin' over the shop for good!" The red-head stomped over with his usual authoritative bravado. "Let's see what's so special-"
Kisuke's cane blocked his path. "Jinta, Ururu - thank you for the tea, but I'm sure the shop requires your attention more right now."
"Like hell it does! The shop's been dead as usual, which you'd know if you stuck your head upstairs once in a while!"
"Then the two of you have plenty of time to do inventory," Kisuke remarked, his eyes still fixed on the battle below. "How's Tessai holding up?"
"Ano…" Ururu muttered. "Tessai-san is okay, I think…"
"Don't be stupid, Ururu! Tessai's been at it for like, ten days now! 'Course he's not okay!"
Kisuke glanced down at the glowing band in his hand. When Kaede had started using the tenshintai, its cords had shone bright and strong.
That was five days ago.
Now most of the band was black, a burnt-out fuse on its final centimeters. He wouldn't be able to stabilize the tenshintai for much longer, and Tessai was near his own limit manning the wards. The tenshintai wasn't meant to be used for this long.
Below, he could just make out the figures of Kaede and Mono no Aware facing off yet again. Even the spirit seemed more ragged now, its clothes hanging like rags from its skeletal form, its whole visage pale and muted compared to when it had first appeared.
And Kaede…she was barely standing. Her skin had a gray tinge to it; her skin shone with sweat and she was breathing hard. She'd refused to take even a short break, and the toll on her konpaku was finally beginning to show.
"Thank you for the updates, Jinta, Ururu," Kisuke stated, putting a clear note of finality in his tone. "That'll be all for now. Go tell Tessai that he can take a break; the wards will stay up for a few hours without him. Then go give the shop a thorough cleaning."
"But we've been doin' nothin' but cleanin' this-"
"Now."
Jinta clicked his tongue in annoyance. "Fine. But you're gonna start payin' us for all the work we do, old man!"
As the two left, Kisuke's hand tightened around the cord. He had to put an end to this, but he knew Kaede wouldn't listen to him.
So maybe it was time to call someone she would listen to.
Across town, the foundations of an abandoned warehouse shook faintly. A stray cat froze just outside of the building, its fur standing up on end; the rat it had been stalking took the chance to scurry into a dumpster. The quake was over in a second, and the cat, realizing its dinner had escaped, turned and slinked away.
Beneath the warehouse, in an impossibly cavernous clearing lit by an artificial sky, dust settled around the figure of a fallen teen. A few rocks rolled off his still torso, a low groan seeping out of this mouth.
"Wake the fuck up, ya snot-nosed baldy!"
Hiyori kicked the orange-haired brat right in his empty skull. "You owe me a hundred sets o' katas! What kinda weakling passes out after crashing through one measly fucking boulder?!"
"To be fair," Shinji called out lazily, "he went through that boulder headfirst, Hiyori. And Ichigo's only got one head, so let's not bash it around too much!"
"Shut the fuck up, baldy-Shinji! So what if he's only got one head? Doesn't mean shit when there's no brains in it."
"Hey, I have enough brains to know that your teaching style sucks!" Ichigo shot back, rubbing his head as he sat up.
"Oh?" Hiyori turned back to Ichigo with her arms crossed. "You wanna make it two hundred kata sets? An' did I say you could take a break? Get to it already! The longer you make me wait, the harder I'm gonna kick your ass in the next spar!"
Though really, she'd hardly consider what they just did "sparring"; the idiot could only keep control of his masked state for a few seconds at a time. Once those few seconds were up, the brat got so wiped out that Hiyori pretty much spent the rest of the time knocking him around like a ragdoll. Even when he did get a few real moves in, he was way too predictable.
You keep attacking from the front - that's what I mean by 'predictable'…
Hiyori's lip curled into a sneer. Why was she thinking about her freakin' Academy days all of a sudden? What the fuck did that have to do with anything? Those days were long gone, and no amount of pouting or crying or staring wistfully into the distance would bring them back.
Shinji sidled up to her, watching as Ichigo began performing katas like his life depended on it. "Gotta say, the kid's got stamina. What're we up to now?"
Hiyori scoffed. "Ten seconds. Little over. He ain't tryin' hard enough."
"He's still afraid," Shinji mused. "We all went through it - well, maybe not Mashiro, but still. We all had to figure out how to live with our new Hollow roommates, an' it ain't an easy thing to do. 'Sides…he ain't the only one we gotta rely on now."
"I ain't relyin' on anyone who ain't in front o' me," she said, acid lacing her every word.
"But everyone's kinda behind you right now…"
Lightning fast, in a move she could do in her sleep (and sometimes did), Hiyori whipped off her sandal and smacked him with it. "Shut up, Shinji! You know what I mean!"
She could rely on the other Visoreds - they'd gotten each other through this hell together, after all. Urahara…she wasn't so sure about relying on him. Never had been. But he usually came through when it mattered.
Unlike some.
Just then, Hiyori's pocket began buzzing. She pulled out her phone to see who the hell was calling her at a time like this.
Unknown number…?
Oh, did that clog-wearing dipshit really think she wouldn't know this was him?! This was a freakin' spirit phone! He'd sold it to her - no, extorted her for it was more like it, but still! There was no way anyone was calling her on it that she wouldn't already know about!
She flipped the phone open like a switchblade and snarled into the receiver, "The hell do you want, baldy?!"
"Hiyori-san!" Just as she suspected, Urahara Kisuke's overly-cheery tone immediately set her teeth on edge. "I'm so glad I reached you! You see, I have a bit of a predicament on my hands. You know Kurosaki-kun's friend, Sado-kun? He needs a new training partner."
"Well get some other dopey Shinigami to do it! I'm busy trainin' yer other idiot over here!"
"Oh, I'm sure Kurosaki-kun will be fine under the tutelage of one of your colleagues for a while," Kisuke dismissed. "But you're the only person I could think of for this particular case. I mean, I could just keep having Abarai-kun work with him, but Sado-kun requires a particularly strong Melee-type fighter to help him, and while I would never speak ill of Abarai-kun's abilities, he simply doesn't have your talent. Besides, frankly...he's a bit of a pushover. And I know you would never pull your punches."
Hiyori squeezed the phone so hard she was sure she heard something crack. That damn Kisuke…he thought he knew exactly what to say to butter her up, didn't he? Like she'd trip over herself to show up some damn Shinigami that she was obviously better than anyway…because he was right, she wasn't a pushover, and if that Abarai-or-whatever was pulling punches and calling that "training…"
She growled and snapped the phone shut without giving Kisuke an answer - because she was sure he already knew what she was going to do.
"Oy, dumbass," she called out.
"You talkin' to me," Shinji answered, "or the kid? Hard to tell when ya don't use people's actual names."
"Well, both o' you are dumbass baldies, so what does it matter?! 'Sides, I'm talkin' to both o' you, so listen up!" Hiyori jabbed her finger at Shinji. "Take over baby-kun's training 'til I get back!"
Ichigo stopped his kata mid-swing, sputtering in indignation. "'Baby?!' The hell you get off calling me a 'baby' when you're barely two feet tall? And what 'training,' anyway? You just keep kicking me in the face!"
"Did I say you could stop doin' katas?!" Hiyori brandished her sandal at him. "Or do ya want a permanent imprint o' this on yer cheek?!"
He glared at her but resumed his exercises, grumbling under his breath.
"Why d'you need me to take over?" Shinji asked. "Who was on the-"
"Just do it, Shinji! I ain't gotta explain shit to you!"
"Okay, fine, whatever, do your thing."
Hiyori could feel Shinji's lackluster gaze follow her out of the warehouse, but she didn't care. It wasn't any of his business what she was doing, and he certainly had no right to tell her off about it. Hell, she was doing old hat-and-clogs a damn favor out of the goodness of her heart! Shinji should be praising her for such altruism!
Hiyori lifted the brim of her baseball cap as she approached the innocuous-looking shop. Just outside the entrance were two small figures, each armed with a broom - though only one was actually using it properly.
"The pitcher winds up," narrated the red-haired kid, gripping his broom like a bat. "The batter stares him down like a hawk - the pitch is made and whoosh!"
Hiyori caught the broom single-handedly, interrupting Jinta's daydream. "Oy, brat, watch where ya swing that thing! You wanna hit your customers an' get sued?!"
Jinta jumped back from her and glared. "Yeah, like you're a real customer, pigtails! The heck're you doin' here anyway?!"
Hiyori's hand squeezed the broom handle hard enough to make it splinter. "Clearly, your boss ain't teachin' you proper manners, but I ain't got time to give you a lesson! Where is your stupid boss, anyway? He's the one that begged me to come all the way out here, the least he could do is greet me like a proper host! No wonder you brats don't know how to mind your p's and q's!"
"A likely tale," Jinta retorted, squinting his eyes at her. "How do we know yer tellin' the truth, huh?! You could be a spy or somethin'-"
"Ano, Jinta-kun," Ururu piped up in her mouse-like voice, "We know Sarugaki-san…and if Urahara-san sent for her, then…"
Jinta cut her off by pouncing on her back and tugging at her pigtails. "Hey, I'm in charge o' the shop when the old man's busy, so I'll decide who comes and goes!"
Hiyori rolled her eyes and strolled past the brawling children. "Whatever. I'll just let myself in. Not like I was requested or nothin'."
The shop was quiet inside. "Oy, baldy, get out here! I came all this way, you gonna show some respect for that?"
No answer. With a scowl, Hiyori stomped behind the counter and headed for the back room. If he didn't want random people barging in, he shouldn't have left everything unlocked with only a couple of brats in charge! Hell, he should've just been a good host and actually been here when he asked her to come over!
There was no one in the back room either - but there was an obnoxiously bright, flashing red arrow pointing at a spot on the floor. When Hiyori looked down, she found a note laid out on top of an exposed trap door. Come on in, Hiyori-san!
"Freakin' dumbass baldy 'oh I'm just a humble shopkeep' Urahara Kisuke," she grumbled as she lifted the trap door and started down the stairs. She knew where this led; after all, Kisuke had built the Visored's training area as well. She blinked as the dark stairs gave way to obscenely bright artificial sunlight, momentarily blinding her.
"Ah, Hiyori-san!" came the annoying shopkeeper's voice. "Thanks for coming so quickly! How's Kurosaki-kun's training coming along?"
"Can it, Kisuke," Hiyori snapped, blinking until her eyes adjusted properly. "Where's the big lug you wanted me to whip into sha-"
She stopped and stared down into the arena. "The fuck is this…?"
Below them was what could only be described as some sort of ground zero. It looked like a bomb had gone off, but someone had hit the "pause" button mid-explosion; mesas and plateaus had been reduced to rubble that hung suspended in midair.
But that wasn't what made Hiyori freeze. Down in the arena were two figures, one of whom she recognized - but it was the other one that kept her from leaving right then and there.
It had a mask.
That was the first thing Hiyori noticed. It had a bone-white mask with dark streaks on either cheeks falling from empty sockets; its exposed teeth formed a terrible, mirthless grin.
"Why the fuck," Hiyori breathed, "is a Hollow in here?"
"That," Kisuke answered calmly, "is Kaede's Zanpakuto spirit."
Hiyori did a double take. The actual fuck? That couldn't be right. No way was that a Zanpakuto spirit. She'd seen plenty of Shikai in her time, and even a few Bankai; she'd experienced the Hollowfied weapons of her fellow Visored lots of times over the years. None of them made her feel like…like…like a rabbit that stumbled upon a wolf by accident.
Deep in her soul, Hiyori felt her own Zanpakuto stir. Kubikiri Orochi had always appeared to her as a large serpent with a spiked spine that closely resembled the serrated edge of her Shikai; even before her Hollowfication, it had been bloodthirsty and battle-hungry, quick-tempered and all too happy to answer her call. It didn't matter how strong their opponent was; Kubikiri Orochi took any hint of strength as a challenge to be conquered.
After Hollowfication, that delight in battle had turned to an ever-present ache of hunger that could never be satiated. For the first few decades, she couldn't even be near human civilization for long because even a whiff of a living Soul's spirit energy awakened a primal imperative to hunt and rend and tear and consume. Even now, she was wary of coming into Karakura proper too often; high-spec Humans still made her salivate, and there were way too many of those sorts of people in this freakin' town.
But now…even though she was in the presence of some of the strongest reiatsu-emitting beings in this world, Hiyori's mouth had gone dry. Her Zanpakuto stirred, but not to strike; instead, it shrank back into her soul, like it was trying to hide.
Whatever the hell the thing in front of Kaede was (because she sure as fuck didn't buy it being a Zanpakuto spirit), Kubikiri Orochi was afraid of it.
Hiyori swallowed and gritted her teeth. She didn't care what her Zanpakuto wanted right now; she didn't run from anything. "What the fuck did you bring me here for, Kisuke?"
"I admit that I called you here under false pretenses," he said somberly, all traces of false cheer gone. "But I do need your help…and so does she."
Hiyori jerked out of his hold with a sneer. "She made it real fuckin' clear that she doesn't need anybody."
Least of all me.
Her lip curled into a snarl as she beat back that thought. Who cared what Kaede did or didn't need? She sure as hell didn't.
"She's been training almost nonstop this past month," Kisuke told her.
"So have all of us," Hiyori dismissed, looking away from both him and the fight below them.
"True," he conceded. "But right now, she's risking irreparable harm to herself-"
"So have all of us," she reiterated with a sneer. "So what?"
"So," Kisuke continued patiently, "she's not doing it to get stronger or to conquer an inner demon. She's doing this because she'd rather destroy herself than face what happened."
Hiyori's gut clenched a bit, because she could absolutely believe that Kaede would do such a stupid thing. Not that she cared.
"Then let her do it," Hiyori uttered in a hollow tone. She didn't have the energy left to spare on someone who…who…
"Aw, I know you don't mean that, Hiyori-sa-"
"You think I don't?" Hiyori seethed, her fists shaking at her sides. "You think I give a damn about someone who ran away 'cause she couldn't face the consequences of her own actions?"
"That's not exactly what happened," Kisuke said, an edge to his voice that she didn't often hear. "She wasn't running away from what happened to you and the others. If that was the case, why did I find her getting ready to run before she knew what had happened to all of you?"
Hiyori's eyes widened, her muscles practically seizing with impatience and rage. "The hell does that mean?"
"Maybe it was by design," he mused, "maybe it was pure coincidence, but I found her in the lab exactly when I was getting ready to come after you and the other Hollowfication victims. I'll admit, I was as surprised to see her as she was me. Not just because she was supposed to be on assignment in the Human World, but because it was pretty clear that she was getting ready to run away. However, when I told her what was happening, and that you were in danger…she came with me without a question."
There wasn't much about that night that Hiyori remembered. Her body remembered the unbearable, ripping pain as her soul was turned inside-out; she vaguely recalled trying to warn Shinji to run…and, though she'd tried to deny it over the years, she remembered a familiar voice shouting her name over and over again…
"Don't try to tell me that I'm the reason she turned on him," Hiyori seethed. "I ain't fallin' for it. If she actually gave a damn-"
"She left because she gave a damn," Kisuke snapped back, a hint of impatience coloring his tone. "Look, I could give you my theories on the matter, but they'll be just that: theories, conjecture based on what I happen to know for certain. Or, you could hear the truth straight from the source."
Hiyori whirled around and gave Kisuke her fiercest glare, her fists clenched so tightly her skin threatened to split. "She coulda said whatever she wanted years ago, but she fuckin' ran away instead! Why the hell should I listen to anything she's got to say now?"
"Because she won't talk to me!"
Hiyori flinched - not because of his tone, but because of the slightest flare of reiatsu that came with it. She stared down at her former captain in astonishment. In all the years she'd known him, she'd never seen him lose his temper - not with her (despite her best efforts at times), not with anyone. But now…she saw the tension in his jaw, the way his own hands had balled into fists in his lap. Urahara Kisuke wasn't one to show his hand to anyone, but for this one second, he seemed to slip. Frustration, impatience - no, that wasn't it.
He was worried.
Within a blink, he had donned his usual, relaxed visage once again. His hands relaxed on his lap; his expression turned thoughtful, even a little sad. "Please believe me when I say that I wouldn't have asked you here if I didn't think it absolutely necessary. Of all of the people she believes she directly harmed, you are perhaps the one she feels the most guilt over, and the one she did the most to protect. If anyone is able to get through to her, it will be you. Now please, Hiyori-san, if you'd just wait a few more minutes - it shouldn't be long now."
Kaede was no stranger to pain. She'd taken her fair share of injuries over her tenure as a Shinigami, she'd endured the debilitating checkups that Central 46 had demanded of her for nearly two centuries before she'd been unsealed, and she'd never forget the searing torment of the Failsafe.
But as she faced her ever-changing Zanpakuto spirit, she could say with certainty that, as painful as all of her prior experiences had been, none of them could compare to the agony she was in right now. Her body felt impossibly heavy, as if her blood and organs had slowly turned into lead over these past five days, and even the slightest movement sent waves of blinding pain throughout her frame. She felt sick to her stomach; the only reason she hadn't vomited yet was that she hadn't eaten anything in days. She was drenched in sweat from the constant exertion, yet she couldn't cease the chills that ran up and down her spine.
But none of that mattered. She would not yield. She couldn't.
Mono no Aware floated placidly before her, untouched and untouchable - but not unaffected. Cracks had formed along its skull-like face; even its demonic grin seemed oddly strained. "Why do you persist?"
"Because I have to," Kaede rasped back.
"Why?"
"You know why."
"But do you?"
Again with that question. She was starting to suspect her Zanpakuto spirit was simply a five-year-old child with how often it asked that one-worded inquiry, and Kaede was too exhausted to try and defend her position yet again. "Why are you being so stubborn about this?"
The spirit's head dipped forward as though giving her a pointed look. "I am not the one who keeps us in this state."
"Yeah, well I wouldn't have to keep us in this state if you would just-"
Kaede's words froze in her chest when she realized who she sounded like. I'm doing this for YOUR sake. I must do this because of YOU. Because YOU are too weak. Because this isn't what YOU are supposed to be.
A wave of nausea washed over her, and she stepped back with a hand to her mouth. She sounded like him, didn't she? He always justified himself by blaming her actions, her inadequacies.
But isn't it true? YOU could have stopped all of this…
Kaede's voice trembled as much as her exhausted limbs. "What do you want from me? What do I need to do to make you listen?! I know I made mistakes, and I will do whatever I have to to fix them! I know everyone thinks I just fucked off to do whatever, but I've been trying to be better! I just want to be better!"
"Better than what?"
"Than what I was before," she said, struggling to stay on her feet. She was so tired, tired of fighting, of failing. "Better than the person I let myself become for -"
For him - but she stopped herself from saying it, because he hadn't made her this way; that would be an excuse, a way to shirk her own responsibility. People who blamed anyone but themselves were liars to both themselves and others, and she would not be one of them.
Not again.
"That 'person' you describe," the spirit mused, "is it not a part of you? Are you not the same being that did the things you feel shame for?"
"NO!" The word tore from her throat. "I will never be that person again!"
"Who was that person?"
A mirthless laugh seeped into her voice. "Which one? The naive, scared little girl who believed everything she was told? Someone who took scraps and pretended it was all she deserved?"
"Is that not what you do today?"
Kaede's whole body flinched. "I - that's different. I deserve to pay for what I've done, and I'm trying to! But back then - he - I-"
"You wanted to be more," the spirit filled in. "Is that not what you still want? To be more than what you believe you are?"
"To be better," Kaede argued. "That's different."
Without warning, the spirit rushed at her, slamming her to the ground by her throat. The impact stunned her, but it was the sudden rush of disdain she felt from the spirit that took her breath away.
"And does being 'better' mean denying what made you what you are?" the spirit challenged, its voice and face filling Kaede's senses until they were all she could perceive. "Are you 'better' because you choose to lock away your full strength?"
Kaede wanted to scream, as though doing so would untangle the knot of contradictions for her. She wanted to disown all that she had been, but that would be like denying what she'd done, wouldn't it?
"You cannot deny your own past. You contradict your own resolve by doing so."
"I've changed," she spat back in the spirit's face. "I've tried so damn hard to change! Does that count for nothing? I've helped people - living people!"
"You wore many masks, and did many things while beneath those masks. You saved lives that would have otherwise been lost, and taken life from those who might have stolen it." The spirit's face drew closer, its fathomless eyes boring into Kaede's own. "Were you trying to fool others with those masks, or were you working to fool yourself?"
Rage blossomed in Kaede's body, pushing out in a burst of reiatsu that dislodged the spirit.
"I wasn't trying to fool anyone," she growled, rubbing her bruised throat. "I was doing what I had to - what was right! So what if I used different names? It's not like I could run around being 'Sorano Kaede' wherever I went!"
"You tried to abandon more than just your name," the spirit reminded her, and even though its form was several feet away now, Kaede felt the emptiness in its eyes surrounding her, pressing in, an endless, bleak, familiar void of nothing…
No - she wouldn't give in to that void. She couldn't. Hadn't she spent the past hundred years trying to make up for all the harm she'd caused? It didn't matter where she went, be it a sleepy countryside village or an active war zone, there were always people who needed help. She lived among them, listened to them, learned from them, did whatever she could to help make their lives better. She knew the impact of a kind smile at the right time, a warm jacket on a freezing night, a shared meal that nourished more than just the body. She'd seen so much misery, but also experienced so much kindness, witnessed both horrible atrocities and transcendent beauty at the hands of other people. There was no balance to it, no reason or order. It all just was, and it all was what people made it to be.
She'd also hunted. Serial killers, overzealous soldiers, traffickers, predators, souls who were bound for Hell anyway…but it wasn't like she was acting out of altruism, was it? Hadn't she sometimes enjoyed hunting down those people? Hadn't she gotten some morbid satisfaction from their shock and fear when they realized that they couldn't hurt her gigai, or if she was in her spirit form, couldn't even see what was after them? She hadn't drawn her Zanpakuto or used her raw power for any of that, just her Hakuda and Stealth Corps training and, occasionally, her advantages as a spiritual being.
Had she really changed all that much?
"People are many things," she heard the spirit say. "As are you."
"I am nothing," Kaede uttered, staring down into her hands.
"Has that ever stopped you from creating meaning?"
"What do you want me to say?" she demanded. "That I'm all of the things I used to be? Fine! I am! I've killed people, and I've both hated and liked it! I liked having power - I still do! I can't stand being powerless! But I never want to be like - like him!"
"Why is that?"
Kaede sputtered. "Are you serious?! Because he's - he's wrong! He's a cruel, manipulative bastard who doesn't care for anyone but himself!"
"Is it because of that," the spirit inquired, "or because he hurt people you care about?"
Hiyori's face flashed through her mind. Kaede's legs finally buckled from exhaustion, her knees hitting the hard ground.
"Because he lied to you? Because he would not let you go?"
Her entire body started shaking, and it was no longer just from fatigue. I won't allow anything to take you away from me, Kaede.
"You do not wish to be like him," the spirit said, its voice surrounding her entire being, "but that is not what you are afraid of facing, because that was never a possibility."
"What do you want from me?"
"What I have always wanted from you," the spirit answered. "For you to face yourself."
Another crack formed along the spirit's bone-white forehead and crept down between its endless eyes. A warning pierced Kaede's heart, though for what, she wasn't certain.
"I'm trying," she insisted, trying to push the fear away.
"Then why can you not even speak of what happened?"
Her eyes widened, and instinctively, she lashed out with every bit of reiatsu she had left. The spirit flew away from her, yet Kaede still found herself scrambling backward, trying to escape. The spirit once again righted itself in the air and raised a claw-like hand to its face, as though holding the cracked mask in place.
"You are not ready to reveal yourself," the spirit commented, and for the first time in a long time, Kaede thought it sounded…sad. Disappointed. "If you cannot face that most fundamental of truths…then I cannot help you, Kaede."
The spirit's form flickered and grew faint around the edges. Kaede's eyes went wide.
"No…" She reached out as though she could grab the spirit. "No! Don't - you can't, we're not finished!"
All around her, the rocks that had stayed suspended in the air for five days fell at last in a crash. When the dust cleared, all that remained of Mono no Aware was a sword that lay before white figure of the tenshintai.
Kaede scrambled to her feet and rushed to the tenshintai on wobbly legs. She lifted her sword with both hands and ran its blade through the dummy.
Nothing.
With a cry of frustration, she yanked it back out, only to thrust it forward again, and again, and again. "No - no! Get back out here, we're not finished yet!"
She swung the blade, slicing the dummy's head off in a clean strike. This couldn't be it. She couldn't have failed!
"Wither," she commanded. "Wither, dammit! Mono no Aware!"
But she felt nothing. Her sword was just that - a katana blade in her hands, the wrappings around the hilt chafing her calloused palms. With a scream, she hacked at the tenshintai over and over again, its pieces piling at her feet -
"Enough, Kaede."
No. It wasn't enough. She wasn't finished! She swung back again, but a hand caught the hilt of her sword.
"That's enough," Kisuke repeated when she finally met his eyes. "I told you back then: I didn't work so hard to keep you alive just so you could destroy yourself."
His face blurred - she blinked, and something wet trailed down her cheeks. She relaxed her grip, hastily wiping at her eyes - and froze when she caught a glimpse of a bright red tracksuit and blonde pigtails.
Horror made her gut drop, followed by shame. Then, a dry, humorless sense of irony bubbled like acid, making her lips stretch into something that didn't quite feel like a smile.
"Of course." Kaede tossed her sword aside and held her arms out to her sides. "Go ahead. Have at it. My own soul rejected me, it's not like there's much more I can lose."
Hiyori's eyes went wide for a second, then narrowed in a wrathful sneer. Her fists shook at her sides, and Kaede just wanted to laugh. At least she could rely on Hiyori's rage.
"You…fucking…shithead," the blonde ground out. "Did you think you could get outta this by killing yourself?"
Kaede's arms dropped to her sides; she felt the void in her core expanding, but she had nothing left to fight it. "No. I promised I wouldn't try that again. But I won't fight if you want to do it for me."
Hiyori's face twisted with disgust. "The fuck - I ain't about to help you off yourself just 'cause you feel bad about what happened back then! I'm here 'cause this dumbass" - she jabbed her thumb at Kisuke - "begged me to come! He even lied to get me to do it, an' now I ain't leavin' until I get the explanation he promised!"
Kaede went stiff, her eyes flicking between the two. "Explanation?"
Kisuke sighed. "About what happened that night."
Kaede's stomach dropped. Her palms grew sweaty. "I thought you told them…"
"I only told them what I knew for certain," Kisuke said. "That you weren't a part of Aizen's experiments, and that he'd nearly killed you for turning on him."
Blood drained from Kaede's head, leaving her dizzy as a battle raged in her soul.
Tell them the truth.
I can't…please don't make me…
"I didn't tell them," Kisuke continued, "that you were getting ready to run before you even knew about the Hollowfication experiments."
Kaede closed her eyes, willing herself to fade away. Please don't…please stop…
"I didn't tell them, because I don't know for certain why. I have theories, but only you can confirm them."
Please no…They all hated her already. If they knew - if Kisuke, Tessai, Yoruichi knew what had really happened, she'd lose the last bit of esteem anyone had for her.
Why do you care? You tried to abandon them. You tried to abandon everything.
"When I told you Hiyori was in danger," Kisuke said, "you didn't hesitate to come with me, so I have a hard time believing that you were simply afraid of what he'd do to you. But it wasn't your life you were afraid for, was it?"
Stop.
Hiyori crossed her arms. "Stop with the cryptic bullshit and just spell it out, already!"
"You were trying to protect someone else," Kisuke pressed, ignoring the shorter blonde. "Because you knew that if he found out, he'd do exactly what he wound up doing-"
"No."
Kaede spoke without meaning to, more on instinct than from desire.
"It's not what you think," she forced herself to say. "H-he didn't do all that…"
"You don't have to defend him, Kaede," Kisuke said, a hint of anger in his voice. "I saw firsthand what he did to you-"
"He didn't," she repeated. "I did."
"Is that what you believe? Or is that what he convinced you-"
"It's not a 'belief' because I did it myself!"
Kisuke jerked back as though she'd slapped him. For a second, Kaede felt a sadistic sort of satisfaction at the hurt and confusion on his face and her words sank in. It was almost a relief, really - that last lie he'd held onto about her, the one that allowed him to keep pitying her, to continue to make excuses for her, was finally coming apart. He might hate her after this, but at least it would be for something true - something she'd chosen to do.
"Would someone just tell me what the fuck you two're talkin' about?!" Hiyori screamed, jumping between them. "I'm sick o' all this double-talk!"
Why not? She was so tired, and Hiyori already hated her anyway. Mono no Aware wanted her to face her past? Fine. There was nothing left to destroy.
"I was getting ready to run away the night you and the others were targeted," she said. "I was trying to escape from both Soul Society and from…him."
"Yeah, that's what he was sayin'," Hiyori said impatiently. "What he won't tell me is why, so are you gonna spill or can I stop wasting my time and go home?!"
Kaede barely heard her over the blood rushing in her ears. She fought to stay standing, caught between wanting to bolt and wanting to throw up. She tried to fight the memories, to push out the words without having to face the reality behind them.
You cannot move forward by discarding truth.
Once she spoke the words, there would be no going back - there was no "back" to go to, anyway. But if she said it out loud, she'd be opening herself to that terrible void that she'd spent so long trying to contain.
If not now, then when?
She didn't know how long it was before her mouth finally formed the words, but they came out at last, and with them, the chaotic cosmos of memory and emotions spilled forward.
"I was pregnant."
End Notes
Sooooo yeah. This was a difficult chapter to write, and there are some more hard ones coming up. Leave your theories/predictions below.
Next Time: One final trip to the past…or shall we say, one last chance to Turn Back the Pendulum?
I'm estimating 2 more chapters in the past to connect the remaining dots; after that, we're moving forward to a highly anticipated reunion. So until then…
Stay Tuned!