They aren't mine.
Before witnesses, Lexa will not say to Clarke what she truly wants the other woman to know. As she feels her heart slow, Lexa wishes she said the words to Clarke at least once. Instead, she makes Titus swear, as she made Aden swear, that Klark kom Skaikru will be safe. She tells Clarke, who struggles against all odds to save her, not to fear what is coming. Lexa isn't afraid. She tells Clarke, "The next commander will protect you."
"I don't want the next commander. I want you."
Because Clarke will not accept that Lexa is dying, she does not say the words, either. She tries to stem the weakening pulse of blood even though her training tells her that it is unlikely Lexa would survive even if she were shot in a state of the art operating room staffed with the best surgeons.
Clarke does the only thing she can. She stares into Lexa's eyes. Lexa stares back, listening. "In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next safe passage on your travels until our final journey on the ground. May we meet again."
The last words choke Clarke. Lexa said them to her twice in lieu of goodbye.
And then she is gone.
Clarke feels herself break. The men in the room with her see her break. She kisses Lexa's still warm lips, smears the black blood over her eyes when she pulls the eyelids over glazed green eyes. She wants to stay there with her until Lexa is cold, in the bed that is soaked with the natblid that ran through Lexa's veins.
Instead, she watches Titus roll Lexa over and cut through the scar at the back of her neck, one Clarke saw and kissed but never got to ask about. He removes something that looks like it has roots and as they retract, she asks, "What is that?"
Conflicting answers, and she can't think about them right now. Titus puts it in a tin, and the tin in his pocket, and he carries Lexa away. Before she can move, she is locked in with Murphy, who must be the luckiest bastard on the planet. Or maybe the unluckiest. Even he can't decide.
He starts to comfort her, and she shakes him off. There is nothing he can do or say to make her feel better, and she wants this time to fix in her mind all she shared with Lexa. She wants it to be as clear as saying goodbye to her father, as clear as walking through Mount Weather after pulling the lever.
After hours, curiosity overrides grief. She needs to know everything she can to keep both of them alive. Titus said, "The Commander's spirit," but Murphy said, "A.I."
Clarke carefully doesn't look at the bed when she approaches Murphy. "What did her take out of her?"
Murphy sighs and looks at Clarke. He thought her soft in the beginning, and learned better. "Jaha left to find the City of Light. I don't even know where he got the idea, but we walked forever. We crossed a fucking desert, and he locked me in a bunker for three months. He was even crazier when he let me out. He's talking to some fucking hologram, thinks it can take everyone to heaven or nirvana. All you have to do is swallow a chip like the one Reverend Crazy cut out of her."
"What's it do?"
"I don't know. I didn't drink the kool aid. They picked me up for robbing people. Emori left me out there, and when they searched me, they found the chip Jaha put in my pocket before I left him. Next thing I know, I'm in a dungeon getting beaten half to death again. Even when I told the truth, he didn't believe me. Guess he drank somebody else's kool aid."
"They're down there getting ready to pick a new commander."
"So what?"
"Murphy, they're gonna kill us."
"Not you, Princess. Just me. I heard her tell him to protect you."
"I won't let them kill you."
"Right," he said slowly. "You gonna bang the new commander, too?"
She slapped him.
Murphy laughed. "There's the Griffin charm."
"Just tell me everything you know," Clarke demanded.
"A is the first letter of the alphabet," he began.
"I'm trying to save your life," Clarke answered through clenched teeth. "So I'd appreciate it if you'd stop being an asshole for 30 seconds."
Murphy looked at her. He didn't know anything that happened after he left with Jaha, but he'd wager that this woman had a rougher go of it than he did. "There's an emergency pod in the basement, like Reyes came down in. Polaris was stenciled on it, but two of the letters burned away, leaving Polis. There were images on the wall, a woman under a mushroom cloud, a woman gathering something, maybe people around her."
"Polaris was the 13th station."
"The crazy A.I. is portable, so Jaha probably brought it back. I'm sure it wants something besides a personal roboarmy."
"Does the A.I. control people after they swallow the chip?"
"I don't know. Jaha talked to it, and it talked back, so maybe not."
"It's not reincarnation, it's just what's stored on the chip," Clarke said slowly. "I need to talk to someone who knew the previous commanders."
"Yeah, that's gonna happen."
"Shut up and let me think."
Murphy rolled his eyes and leaned back into the chair. Clarke went to the balcony.
She looked out over Polis. Octavia was gone. Clarke wondered what she would think when she heard about Lexa's death. She planned to leave with her friend, but she had to say goodbye to Lexa. She hadn't intended it to be a permanent absence, and neither had Lexa.
Clarke forced her mind away from Lexa. The conclave would choose the next heda; by a fight to the death if necessary. Aden was Lexa's choice, and Clarke wanted to believe that he could survive the selection process, but she thought it more likely that Ontari would be chosen. She was older and more experienced than Aden, and had years of tutelage under Nia. Ontari wouldn't hesitate to kill her, Murphy, and the rest of Skaikru. The other clans would support her.
In the unlikely event that Aden became heda, Clarke hoped he would keep his promise to Lexa. He is young, and Titus will tell him Skaikru are a threat to everyone else, that Lexa's plan to contain them is stupid. Would he believe Clarke if she had the opportunity to tell him that Skaikru will correct its problem? Would he hear Lexa's voice calling for peace even as everyone around him howled for blood?
The doors opened and Clarke turned to see Titus, followed by a dozen warriors. She and Murphy were taken to the jail. Clarke was shoved into the same cell she occupied before, and Murphy was put far enough away that they can't speak without shouting.
When the door slammed, Clarke backed into the wall and slid down it. There was no one to free her this time, no one to send good food, clean clothes, and hot water. She was as alone as she was at the door to Mount Weather after Lexa left, but this time, there is no coming back.
Clarke put her head on her knees and allowed herself to fully feel Lexa's absence.
Don't be afraid.
-30-