Tris's POV:
The water is high, I feel it crash against my shoulders. My body thrashes around wildly as the waves throw me in different directions. I try to reach out, my arms flailing out around me, trying to find anything to hold onto. But there's only the vast sea as far as the eye can see.
I see the lightening before I hear the sound of the thunder roaring in the distance. The sky quickly changes its shade to a dark grey. Soon clouds surround the horizon, not leaving even an inch for the light to pass through. And as the storm approaches, the rain begins pouring heavily.
The large drops bounce on the water, creating thousands of ripples. I look up at the sky, but the darkness has grown, making it difficult for me to see anything. Taking a deep breath in through my mouth, I shut my eyes and slowly go into the water. More darkness greets me, and I search for something, anything.
Deep blue is the only colour I see, but instead of panic, it brings me comfort. It is a familiar shade, glowing in the dark incredibly. And I know that I have to follow the blue, because in seeking it is where I'll find all my answers. So I swim further and further down to the bottom, succumbing to it, letting it swallow me whole.
My eyes snap open with a gasp on my lips, and I try to breathe evenly. What a weird dream. Was I drowning? I don't even know. Covering myself more with the sheets, I check the time to find out it is only 2 am. I let out a sigh. Looking next to me, I find Tobias peacefully sleeping, a light snore coming from him. He must be really tired. His arm is wrapped loosely around my stomach, reaching over the distance between us.
It's been a tough few days for us both. We go to work, come back home, try to think of ways to bring back my memories, come up empty handed, think some more, then go to sleep. I know how disappointed he is, and I hate to see him that way, but what can I do? I'm trying everything, yet I still can't remember. It doesn't help that sometimes it gets awkward between us too.
Caleb called me one day, and we spoke at length about everything going on. He told me all about his twins, and I just yearned to remember them. I wanted more than anything to be the aunt they remembered. I was fully crying by the time we hung up, and Tobias found my messy self out in the yard. I didn't care that I was sitting out there in the cold. I didn't care about anything.
He was upset that I wasn't taking care of myself, but he saw the hurt in my eyes, and let the matter go. I see that he wants to help me, but he doesn't know how. Nobody does, not even my doctor. They try their best, but they don't fully know what I'm feeling. Honestly, I don't either. Because I don't feel like a real person anymore.
I stare at the ceiling as I just lie there on the bed. But I grow restless and suffocated, so I get up. Slowly walking out of the bedroom, I climb down the stairs and go into the kitchen. Maybe some warm milk will help me go back to sleep.
I look for a pot to heat the milk in, luckily finding it in the cupboard. Watching the milk swirl around on the stove, I think back to the dream I had earlier. I was in a deep vast sea, with nothing but water everywhere. It must relate to how helpless and alone I feel. But is there a deeper meaning?
I'm startled when a pair of arms snake around my waist, pulling me out of my thoughts. I feel him bury his face in my hair, squeezing me. But I also feel something else pressed against my lower back, and I let out a gasp.
"Why aren't you in bed with me, baby?" He murmurs, sleep thick in his voice.
"Tobias, uh, what are you..." I try to push him away, but his hold on me is tight.
"Come to bed, baby. I'll help you sleep." He slurs into my ear.
"Tobias!" I elbow him in his ribs and he yelps, moving back and finally waking up.
"Shit! Tris, I'm so sorry! I was still half asleep and wasn't thinking about anything and like an idiot I just...fuck, I'm really very sorry." He says, taking my hand in his.
"It's fine. Let's just forget about it." Like everything else I already have.
"You okay?" He asks, looking closely into my eyes.
"I just had a weird dream and couldn't fall back asleep." I tell him, turning to take the milk off of the stove. It's really hot by now.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks.
"No, not really." I say, setting the boiling pot away. "I'll be fine. You should go back to sleep."
"Tris, you know you can talk to me about anything." He grabs my shoulder, making me turn towards him.
"I just don't feel like it right now." I shake my head, looking anywhere but into his eyes.
"If you don't talk to me, how will I know what's going on in your mind, and how will I try to help you?" He sounds annoyed.
"You don't have to, Tobias. I don't need to be babysat every second of every day." I finally look at him, anger rising within me.
"This isn't about babysitting you, Tris. It's about you bottling your feelings up. You need to get it out. It's not good for you." He insists.
"There's lots of things that aren't good for me, Tobias. Maybe including this life." I stop myself at that, realising what I said.
"What? Tris, you can't be serious." He shakes his head, grabbing my shoulders and squaring in on me. "I know this isn't easy, but-"
"But what? Are you happy with the way things are? I know that you aren't. Because it's not enough. And we don't know when it will be. We don't know when I'll fully remember you, if ever." I get out of his grasp and move away.
"We can still build a life, Tris. We can still work to make this-" He begins, pulling me back, but I turn around as I cut him off.
"How long do you think that would last, Tobias? It is fine for now, but what if it's not enough for you after a few years? Maybe you should just go for someone else, someone who will remember you and-"
"Stop. Stop right there." He says with his breathing hard. "If you really think that I could do that, then you don't know me well enough. Yes, it is tiring. It is fucking exhausting sometimes. I have to be on my toes around you for most of the day. And be modest on top of that too. I hate that I have to go into another room to change clothes. I hate that I have to sleep at least a foot apart instead of snuggled right up behind you. I hate that I want to talk to you about things but you don't remember them. I hate that I can't embrace you completely, can't feel every inch of your body pressed against mine. I hate so many things about this situation, but I'm willing to do anything to not make you uncomfortable. Because all of those things are infinitely better than not having you here. Anything is better than that. I felt your absence in every corner of this house, Tris. It wasn't less than torture having to live here without you. Without knowing if you were okay, if you would survive, if you would remember. But now I don't have the energy to care, not anymore. Because you're here, memories or not. And I want you here, Tris. I want to sleep with a considerable amount of distance between us. I want to watch you around the house as you do your thing. I want to kiss you like a gentleman who knows when not to cross any lines. I want to give you all the space you need in order to feel comfortable living with me. Because I want you. Here every day. With me. I'll do anything for it, for you. Because the thought of you being gone...it's not something I can live with. And you saying that I should just move on with someone else, that's impossible. I could never want someone else. Never. I'd rather die than be without you."
"Tobias, I'm-" My voice catches in my throat.
"Tris, I just want you to remember that I won't ever leave you, okay? Just remember that one thing." He whispers, wiping a stray tear off my cheek.
"I will. I'm sorry for everything." The guilt is overwhelming.
"Don't be. This is such a fucking strange situation to be in, Tris. I know you're trying your best." He says. "I just don't want you to think you're alone in this. I don't want you to keep things to yourself. I'm here for anything you need. You can always count on me."
At that, I lean up on my toes and press my lips to his, kissing him deeply. His hands hold me close as he kisses me back, just as eagerly. I move my arms around his shoulders, pushing myself closer to him. But something else touches me, and I pull back, my cheeks flushing.
"I'm sorry. I, uh, it's just something that happens when I'm around you. Especially when you kiss me like that." He gives me a nervous smile, and I let out a giggle.
"It's okay. I know how difficult it is for you too. I'm just so selfish that I forget you have to make several adjustments too." I say, my thumb tracing his bottom lip.
"You're not selfish. Your life literally got turned upside down, baby." He caresses my hair.
"Our lives." I whisper.
Tobias looks deep into my eyes before bending down to kiss me again, cupping my face with his hands. I grab onto his soft cotton shirt, feeling my knees weaken at the intensity of his kiss. His fingers slowly slide into my hair, tangling into the blonde strands. He tilts my head to the side as he presses kisses to my neck, and my breathing increases.
As his lips touch the spot where my neck and shoulder meet, an image of being in his arms in the same position comes to me. I can see myself clinging to him as he kisses me right over the same spot. And I also faintly see that we are standing in a hallway somewhere. But I don't seem to quite recognise the place.
I pull back from him, my eyes wide as they stare into his. "Tobias."
"Did you remember something?" He asks with a smile, curious to know.
"We were in a hallway somewhere. It looked like an office. And you were kissing me right here." I touch the spot with the tip of my finger.
"You like it when I kiss you there." He grins, bending to press his lips over it again, making me laugh. "I think that was from when you visited me in my office. I had been having a terrible day and you came in with some brownies, surprising me."
"Oh. What were you stressed about?" I ask him, trying not to get totally distracted by his hand rubbing against the small of my back.
"I don't really remember. It was probably something silly at work." He says.
"I'm glad I could help then." I smile.
"Oh, you did more than help me, baby. You can literally melt my stress away." He leans his forehead on mine.
As he stares at me, I feel that same unfamiliar feeling pass through my entire body. My heart beats faster, fluttering in my chest. I think my mind knows exactly what I'm feeling, but my body isn't ready to admit it quite yet. All I know is that he has helped me in more ways than I can count, and I kick myself for being so negative about everything. I just have to remember to trust him. Because the way his eyes shine tells me that he's the only one who can make me feel this way. And I willingly dive into the deep blue again.
A/N: Did you enjoy reading this chapter?