Until We Meet Again, My Mulberry
by Rusyda
Chapter 3 - Anxious
DISCLAIMER:
All characters from Gundam SEED belong to SUNRISE.
All characters are just fictional and not relatable with any real life people or even incidents. If do, it's just a coincidence.
The characters' speech and actions do NOT represent the ideals and personality of its original author or owner and merely act with intentions for the plot engine.
This fanfiction is more to OC x Canon as the main. Be noted the other ships might be the side ones.
"Are you really okay with your own decision, Rusy? Long-distance relationship is not something that you can endure alone that easy." I lash out my small sigh after hearing this such lame question again and all over again. This is not my first time of being asked with that such question. In fact, Cagalli is not the only one person who asking me this such question. Even Kira, Lacus, Athrun, and Miriallia all ask the same question.
Not going to lie, their questions extremely disturb me and my whole life routine. I mean, for a better sake, can they just refrain themselves from asking me that question? I understand they all are concerned about me but it does not have to be like this. I am sick of the repeatedly question.
"I'll be fine." I lied. At first, I would definitely ignore the question completely. I'll be fine is just an answer just to make them shut up, for real and yes, of course it is a lie too. In fact, I lied them all included the lady in blonde hair with a pair of golden pretty eyes standing right beside me now. Guilty inside goes stonk extremely high right now as...
I lied to a person I respect the most.
I lied to a person who I assume her as a big sister.
I never know how it would like to have a big sister as I am born to be the eldest, but if you ask me who, she's the right person who I can feel safe around despite what happened previously. I just choose to think less about how I lost my whole family in the war. I know they all already did their best to minimize the impact. I know that moment was crucial and a critical phase for everyone who participated to end the war. It was full of chaotic, panicked and traumatic event for everyone. I guess that would be included for Cagalli too. I don't know the details but surely, she already faced that.
Not to mention the rest, they all faced that hardest phase during the war was still ongoing. I just heard some rumors of what they've been tested during the war. The sacrifices made by the previous Representative Attha, Uzumi Nara Attha, who was strongly firm defended ORB's ideals until his last breath and entrusting the future of ORB onto Cagalli's shoulder, following with the death of Siegel Clyne, the father of Lacus, was the chairman of PLANT Supreme Council, was killed during his hiding as he was found by those who were under Patrick Zala. I don't forget about Patrick Zala, as I always heard the rumors among us as Naturals, said that he is who was to believe that is the father of Athrun and one of the members of PLANT Supreme Council, who was responsible on his attempt to destroy all Naturals.
I do not have the much idea about that as I was still young to think and being graduated on time from academy was one and the only one I aimed before. If I tried to care a bit about what was happening that time, I would never think that I would understand the conflict and so on. Sometimes, I am too dumb to care at all.
I cannot really put the blame on them. They were young before. They were into the fierce battles much earlier than me. They also had their own hard time during the battles as three of them, Athrun, Cagalli and Lacus. They lost their respective fathers during the war and I don't really think it would be fair enough if I put all the blame for what happened on my family in ORB on them. It sounds too unfair but, for some of us in civilians' eyes, they all are really to be blamed for.
No, definitely I am not like those civilians. I am totally different with them as I started to see another untold view. As I started to see another side of untold view, I started to realize that their current responsibilities are quite heavy as much as their painful memories in the previous wars.
No need to say it loud how painful to bear the weight alone because I know, losing someone dearest to us in that such moment would be one of their hardest part they needed to endure before this. Especially in those such traumatic ways - Uzumi Nara Attha chose to commit suicide in order to protect ORB's ideals and its future position as a strong neutral nation that would stand up for the peace among Naturals and Coordinators, Siegel Clyne was found and shot to death by Patrick's men during his hiding, and Patrick Zala was shot in the scene when he almost managed to diminish the Earth.
For me, it is nothing to compare with their untold story. It is all up to you to assume me that I am out of my mind that I am willing to say 'I don't suffer at all with the lost'. At least, I have no such bigger responsibility as theirs now.
Putting myself in the plenty of consideration made regarding all what happened previously, nah! I won't take the revenge for that. It would waste my time and energy. On what reason should I have beef on them?
At least they contributed something to stop the war unlike me, who was only care about working hard to graduate from the academy just to make my family shut their mouth from badmouthing about me. Actually, I was not hoping them stop that. I was hoping them would start to say something positive. Something would enlighten me to strive harder. Something would make me accept and appreciate myself as a whole but, those bad sides of me were still bigger not to spot on.
The things happen. Already happened in past.
I fully accept it as it now. Somehow, I accept more things that are so much better happening in my life. A better home - where is I feel so much welcomed. A warmer place to live forever. A better lover and life partner with some little joy of the blessing - Shinn Asuka and our little sons - to love and care and grow older together.
There is nothing else I would ask in my prayer as I have him as my life partner. I call him - Shinny - for a reason, you know. The way he shines brightly in my life - is unexplainable. About our sons, we never expect they are triplet. They are identical triplets. Honestly I have less expectations for having identical triplets as I have no idea either of us has that such gene. The triplets or twins gene. I have no close relatives who have that kind of genetic as I recall my family history in memory.
"Are you really sure?" My ears feel quite burned hearing that question of theirs.
Again, it is not I can get their real meaning. I admit, they are truly care about me. No wonder I feel more lively while being around with them.
Her sight surely locks onto my face. Worried on me, definitely. It states clearly on her face as the furrows in her brows can be seen that readably. Sighing lightly, I slowly get up from my seat and make my way walking out to the balcony. Taking some deep breathes and exhaling slowly, I bit my lips, trying to hold on from lashing out my discomfort feeling and unwanted anger to the person who I owe the most.
"I am fine. Okay? I am fine, thank you." Still trying my best not to raise my voice higher, currently.
"Rusyda." Her soft voice calls my name as she walks, approaching me from behind. "It is okay to vent sometimes. I can understand the frustration-"
"It's not like what you thinking, Cagalli-san!" Accidentally, I raised my voice as my anger inside boils inside.
Irritated with so many questions. So many same questions.
Closing both my eyes, I am taking deep breath again repeatedly. Then, I let my eyes open, locking my sight to the sea as the breeze gently touches my tudung and plays around with Cagalli's beautiful blonde long hair. I am not surprised if she is being called as Princess here. "I'll be fine. He'll be fine and we'll be fine here. I understand that clearly, Cagalli-san. I understand that well and we both are agreed to face the reality together. Are you clear on that?"
"I'm certainly clear on that, Rusy. However, there is no wrong to share your thoughts, feelings and concerned to us. You have us, Rusy. You don't have to carry all alone. You haven't talk to anyone of us lately. Slowly, you changed."
"Do I?"
"Didn't you notice at all?" Resting her both arms on the railing, Cagalli lifts her head a bit up to sky, making herself enjoying the chilling soft breeze approaching us under the blazing sun above in this afternoon. "Everyone tells me that you are no longer talking with them for a while. They do concern about you. Why? What's the matter? Mind sharing with me privately?"
"I..." Really? Am I starting to change? I can't really sure of that. Because I feel the same everyday. Nothing is much changed.
"Even Shyla and Lightia tell me the same thing too, Rusyda. I know there is something bothering you. Well, judging from your look is already enough to convince me." Cagalli then gives her worried glare on me. Again. A genuinely caring big sister figure, does she? "I am telling you the truth. You may say that will be fine for you but I am not convinced at all. I... I totally get that. I already faced that but I couldn't really get myself into... You know what I mean really is, but, hey!"
"Ouch!" My left shoulder gets a free slap suddenly. From who? Who's else besides Cagalli? "What is this for, Cagalli-san?"
"For making us worried of you, you silly!" From slapping my shoulder as her gift and now, I am getting a rough head pat from her. Really? Am I going to be a living slapping bag for Cagalli now? "Dear Mrs. Asuka, please stop making us worried of you. You look slightly slim now. You are already in small body and yet getting more slim making you looking even worse and not really fit to be Asuka's wife as..." I can hear her starts to laugh.
Confirmed!
She must still remember a moment when Shinn explains to them all how we both seemed slightly know each other. Of course it is a tale of our first meeting at the memorial park with 'kiddo' as the first nickname I get from my husband.
Damn it!
Her laugh gradually becomes louder now. I cannot stop her from laughing on me but the only thing I can do is putting myself with a free slap on my forehead by my own. "Pfft... As almost everyone mistakes you as... Pfft! ...as almost everyone mistakes you be minor that time!"
"Stop it!"
"What was he calling you that moment? Hmm... Kiddo, huh?" My face so fast turns into red.
"I hate you!"
"He called you kiddo. Pfft... I think that nickname is suitable with you perfectly, Mrs. Asuka."
"I hate you! I hate you, Cagalli nee-sama!" Her laugh is getting louder and louder and it is really annoying. "You guys always teased me for my height, right? I hate you guys!"
"Long time no hear 'Cagalli nee-sama' from you, Rusyda. Glad you're back. Welcome back, Rusy."
"Eh?" Seeing her reaction makes me jump into a bit confusion. "Still, you teased my height. I know and I am aware I am always being forever young."
"Love the way how you react, Rusy," Cagalli says, as she smiles like she is truly relieved seeing me like this.
Maybe.
Just a maybe.
Maybe this is her own special way in escaping from the stress from her duty. If that's so, I am willing to put myself as her meme material then. So be it. I won't care what will happen next to me.
"Once again, I would ask you again. Are you okay?"
"I am okay for now." I smiles. Releasing small sigh, I change my view direction to her. "At least, for now and I will be fine. Always. No worry, okay?"
"That's good to hear. At least for now, huh? Well. I believe you this time, Rusy." Cagalli smiles in relieved. That big sister vibe in her is quite strong at the moment. "Well. If you plan to stay at outside, it's fully up to you, Rusyda. I'll go inside first."
"Alright. Thanks for your accompany, Cagalli-san."
Like usual, I lied again.
And this time, no more lies I can throw to her as she definitely can sense my lies. Well, those words are the only words I can say to. Neither it is just to convince them that I will be fine nor I want them worry less on me.
Those words actually help me to sit in ease.
Okay. I am going to admit the reality is not as beautiful as sweet dreams we have. The reality will always have the sweetest and the most bitter parts and both rotates in turns.
Yes, it is true. The reality is I am not.
I am not okay.
I never feel okay. Never.
I never feel well inside.
I have been feeling anxious about him as I recall, I still have no calls or texts received from him. But, I don't have any intention to show this side of mine to everyone. Cagalli is included too. I want them to worry less on me because it makes me feel uneasy. Feeling discomfort whenever they worry more about me.
Letting my small sigh out, my sight direction is changed to the blue sea that can be viewed from the balcony. My chest starts to feel stuck. My breathing is getting shorter.
"Shinn, you promised me..." I let these words out of my lips with the small hope inside me that would be nothing happened to him. I let my left hand clenches my right arm as I notice my right arm starts to shake a bit. My breathing is getting shorter and yet heavier to exhale.
Physically, I am standing right here, at the balcony letting myself enjoying the noon view but internally, no, I don't.
My heart, my mind, my soul - all are with him.
Every time when either of us are sent out to a mission, I always think. What will happen if either of us goes Missing in Action or Killed in Action? What will happen to either of us and our family? Serious talk. I am not ready to face this reality and this kind of reality is what Cagalli trying to say.
I totally get that part.
Deep inside, there is still a tiny part of my heart still holding to our promise and hope.
Still hoping we can meet each other again.
Still hoping he will be here safely after the missions.
That is what I hope.
That is what I pray for him.
I still want to hold onto our pinky promise.
My hopes, dreams and prayers - I'm pretty sure all of them are reaching him. He is the only one who can be my soul, my life partner until we both are reaching our golden ages. Not even any man here can replace him. Sorry to say, not even Kira or Athrun would able to replace him. Forever.
He is my new home. My new hope. And my new dream to trace.
A/N: I can't believe I can make up to 3 chapters. Wish me luck in finishing this as a whole completed fan-fiction.