Thank you for reading!
Charlie stared at Nick from the doorway, while Nick stood in the rain, panting like he had run all the way here from his house. "Um … I'm sorry for not texting you," Nick said at last. "I … I just wanted to talk in person."
God, he was even beautiful dripping wet. Which was almost certainly not what Charlie should be focusing on right now. "Okay," he said. Only then did it occur to him that Nick standing outside in the pouring rain was probably not a good idea. He stepped out, grasping Nick by the arms, and pulled him into the entry. "Just—just come in. You're getting soaked."
"Yeah. Good idea."
"Did you forget a coat?"
"Oh." Nick looked down at his wet jumper as if he had just realised that was all he was wearing. "Uh … Yeah, I … didn't check the weather before I left."
Charlie couldn't help smiling at him. "Idiot."
Nick smiled, too, which made Charlie hope that maybe, just maybe, they could salvage their friendship out of the mess of last night. "Um …" Nick cleared his throat. "So, about last night. Um … I just wanted to say that—"
But before he could continue Charlie's mum appeared out of the back of the house. "Nick. I didn't know you were coming round."
"Um … Yeah. Sorry, yeah," Nick said awkwardly.
"He's just picking up a jumper he left here last week," Charlie lied. His mum didn't like having her plans messed with.
"Right. Uh, well, don't forget we're going to Grandma's this morning, Charlie." On her way back to the kitchen, she stopped to add, "And you could have at least changed out of your pyjamas."
Charlie and Nick exchanged awkward smiles. "Let's go to my room."
Nick went up first while Charlie shut the door and hastily checked his hair. Why his hair mattered when Nick was about to tell him they couldn't be friends anymore, he wasn't sure, but it seemed to.
Once in Charlie's room, Nick peeled off the wet jumper and dropped it on the bed before turning to Charlie. "Uh … So—"
But Charlie didn't want to let him talk. He needed to say his piece first and hope that maybe Nick would reconsider and still be his friend, if Charlie promised nothing like last night would ever happen again. "I'm so sorry," he said rapidly, his eyes fixed on the floor so he didn't have to see Nick's face. "I'm so sorry. It was—I didn't think properly about what I was doing … It was a stupid thing to do, and I don't want you to feel awkward about it because it was all my fault."
Nick said something, but Charlie couldn't stop. If he did, he would never get it all out.
"I shouldn't have kissed you. I bet you just felt pressured to do it because I asked, and—and now you probably don't want to talk to me ever again, but I at least had to say sorry, see if maybe there's a chance we can still be friends?"
"Charlie." Nick grasped him by the arms, but Charlie couldn't bear to look up into those brown eyes and see pity, or … something worse.
"I don't want to lose you because I did something stupid."
"Charlie," Nick said again, more firmly. He took Charlie's face in his hands, tilting his head gently but firmly so Charlie was looking up at him instead of at the floor.
For a moment, they stood staring into each other's eyes, Charlie barely daring to breathe.
Then, still holding Charlie's face, Nick kissed him. The warmth of Nick, so close, the feel of his hands on Charlie's face, of his mouth on Charlie's, was beyond amazing. He kissed Nick back, rising up on his toes to get closer, anchoring one hand in Nick's shirt to keep from falling bonelessly through the floor.
The kiss ended, and Charlie opened his eyes, meeting Nick's. Nick's hands were still on Charlie's face. He looked stunned, as though he hadn't expected that, either. Charlie didn't know what to say. Even in his most optimistic fantasies, he hadn't allowed himself to imagine this. "Um …"
Nick let go of him and stepped back. "God. I'm so sorry, I …" He sank down on Charlie's bed. "I'm just so sorry I ran away last night. I was just freaking out because, uh, I was confused, and surprised, and, like, honestly, I'm having a proper full-on gay crisis."
Charlie was startled and guilty. In all his imaginings, all his hopes that Nick might like him back, he had never considered what it would be like for a straight guy to start having feelings for a male friend. Nick always seemed so confident, so sure of himself, that it had never occurred to Charlie that it might be scary for him to like another boy. While Charlie had been revelling in his crush, in his imaginings, Nick had been struggling with this alone. It wasn't just a crush for him—it was redefining his whole identity.
Nick went on, "And it's not that I didn't want to, you know … kiss you. I just …" He was fighting back tears now, his voice breaking. "I was just so confused. I've just been so, so confused."
Wishing he knew the right words, wishing he had realised before now what was happening to Nick and how he was feeling, Charlie crossed the room and sat down on the bed next to him.
"I just think I need some time to … figure this out."
Wanting somehow to make this better, to let Nick know he didn't have to do this alone, Charlie put his arm round Nick's shoulders. Nick turned to look at him, then buried his face in Charlie's shoulder, wrapping his arms around Charlie and holding on tightly. After a moment, he sat up again, his eyes searching Charlie's face. Charlie smiled at him, gently, reassuringly, which must have been what Nick was looking for, because he put his head down again on Charlie's shoulder, holding on as he cried.
Charlie held him close, feeling so much sympathy for what Nick was going through, so much admiration for his bravery. He could so easily have pretended none of this was happening to him, and just gone on as they were, or stopped being friends with Charlie altogether, but instead … instead he had dared to try. Instead he was here, being so open and honest.
This wasn't just a crush for him anymore, either, Charlie realised. He cared about Nick. A lot.
Pulling away eventually, Nick looked into Charlie's face again. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
"I know." Gently, Charlie wiped the tears off Nick's cheeks with his thumbs. "It's okay." He could hear movement in the hall outside his room. His mum would be knocking any minute now. "If … if you need time, we don't have to see each other for a—"
"No! No. The only time anything feels right is—is when I'm with you. Unless you don't—"
"No, I do," Charlie said hastily. He wanted nothing more. But not at the cost of causing Nick further pain. "But nothing has to change, Nick."
Nick nodded. "It does." He reached for Charlie's hand, his thumb gently rubbing along the back of it. "I can't be with you and not want to—to touch you, and I can't … I can't not be with you."
Charlie felt a warmth all through him at that.
"Is that okay?" Nick asked.
"Yes. Yes, of course."
That was when the knock came, the sharp voice. "Charlie, is Nick still here?"
"He's just leaving, Mum. I'll be ready in five minutes." He smiled at Nick. "Sorry. Are you going to be okay?"
Nick took a deep breath. "Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Text me later?"
"Definitely."
Nick retrieved his wet jumper, and Charlie walked him to the door.
In the entry, Nick hesitated. "At school, is it okay if we, like …"
"Keep this a secret?" It was what he had expected, although not what he had hoped for. But he understood—Nick wasn't anywhere near being ready to be open about them.
"Yeah. I just don't really know if I can, um … you know. Come out as anything."
"Yeah." Charlie felt bad for being disappointed; the last thing he wanted was to put pressure on Nick. This was already hard enough for him. "It's fine." He reached behind him and took an umbrella down off the peg, handing it to Nick, who smiled before stepping out into the rain again. He opened the umbrella on the doorstep. They exchanged "bye"s, and then Nick turned toward his house.
Charlie stood in the open door for a moment, not quite sure he believed everything that had happened just now. What if Nick walked off home and … none of this was real? Before he could think better of it, Charlie shoved his feet hastily into his shoes and ran out into the rain, sprinting down the sidewalk, calling Nick's name.
Nick stopped at the corner, waiting for him to catch up. "Hi."
"Hi."
"Did I forget something?"
Quickly, Charlie looked around. There was no one out. Just them. "Um … Yeah." And he leaned forward, his hand on Nick's neck, and kissed him. Just to make sure. To make it feel real. And by some miracle, Nick kissed him back.
Breaking the kiss, Charlie smiled. "Okay. Bye." And he ran back home, where he was scolded for leaving the door open, and for being late, and he didn't care at all.
Tonight when he went to bed, he promised himself, he would savour the memory of last night's kiss, now that he knew what had really happened, and of this morning's, and he would cautiously let himself imagine tomorrow.