The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean the Mayhem Critic kicked off Seagal Month by reviewing Under Siege, one of the best Seagal movies of all time. Today, Sean continues Seagal Month when he tackles the buddy-cop action-comedy The Glimmer Man, a movie where Steven Seagal teams up with Keenen Ivory Wayans and the film didn't do well in the box office. But does it still hold up today? Well, we'll find out today. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. The Glimmer Man is owned by Warner Bros.
Seagal Month Part II: The Glimmer Man
(The intro to The Mayhem Critic begins, but instead of the song "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" playing, we get a generic Blues guitar music playing in the background)
Adam: (V/O as Manager) Hey! Hey, you!
Sean: (V/O as Steven Seagal) What do you want, tough guy?
Adam/Manager: (V/O) What are you doing? What's with the Blues music? What happened to the music supervisor?
Sean/Seagal: (V/O) I killed him and his friends.
Adam/Manager: (V/O) You killed him? That was my brother! I can't believe that you...
(We hear the sound of Sean/Steven breaking Adam/Manager's neck, killing him)
Sean/Seagal: (V/O) Now you'll be joining him. Let's start the review.
After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. The Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch as he gets ready to talk about the topic for today's show.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one and welcome back to Seagal Month. And boy, am I excited to talk about today's film, in which we see the epic team-up of Kurt Russell and Steven Seagal. That's right, I'm talking about the 1996 action-thriller Executive Decision." Sean said.
(Instead of clips from the movie "Executive Decision", we see clips from the film "The Glimmer Man" is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you all know the film where Kurt Russell and Steven Seagal drop kick foreign terrorists on a plane. Man, I can't wait for you to see… (Notices the footage from today's movie) Wait a minute. That's not Executive Decision. That's some different movie with one of the Wayans brothers.
"I thought I was reviewing Executive Decision. How come I'm not reviewing Executive Decision?" Sean asked.
Brian: (Off-screen) Uh, dude.
"What?" Sean asked.
Brian: You're reviewing The Glimmer Man.
"The Glimmer Man? Huh? Oh, The Glimmer Man! The buddy-cop movie where Steven Seagal teams up with Keenen Ivory Wayans." Sean said as he stayed silent while he turns his attention to the camera before speaking. "Looks like I'm reviewing The Glimmer Man."
(The title screen for the movie "The Glimmer Man" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "Bulletproof" by The Jeff Healey Band plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, I did say I was going to review this movie next. Besides, I don't have Executive Decision on DVD, so this one will do. Released in theaters on October 4th, 1996. Yeah, that's seven months after the release of Executive Decision. The Glimmer Man is Mr. Seagal's foray into the buddy-cop genre in which he teams up with Keenen Ivory Wayans (a picture of Keenen Ivory Wayans is shown). Yeah, that's right, Keenen Ivory Wayans from In Living Color and he brought us the Scary Movie series (Pictures of In Living Color and Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2 are shown). When I think of great team-ups, I think of James Caan and Alan Arkin in Freebie and the Bean, Clint Eastwood and Burt Reynolds in City Heat, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon, Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell in Tango & Cash, Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker in Rush Hour (Posters for Freebie and the Bean, City Heat, Lethal Weapon and Rush Hour are shown). But Seagal and Wayans? Really? Who thought it was a great idea? As you can tell, it's at the point in Seagal's career where his films aren't doing pretty good in theaters. And this was released the same year as Executive Decision and that movie was pretty good. But, I do remember that this was the first Seagal movie that I watched with my mom when I was little, and boy, was it one of the darkest ones. But with Keenan Ivory Wayans in it, I'm sure it's bound to have some lighthearted, hilarious moments from him.
"This is the "epic" team-up of Seagal and Wayans. This is The Glimmer Man. Man, why does the name of the movie sound like a name of a male stripper?" Sean asked.
(The movie opens with some odd editing, where we see an odd burn effect during the opening credits)
Sean: (Narrating) We're treated to the movie's opening credits and during the credits, we get a pretty odd burn effect that plays throughout and showing black and white photos of gruesome crime scenes. Quick question: who's the idiot that came up with this odd editing choice?
(We see the credit "EDITED BY DONN CAMBERN" and a picture of the movie's film editor)
"Okay, so who's the asshole that ok'd this?" Sean asked.
(We see the credit "PRODUCED BY STEVEN SEAGAL, JULIUS R. NASSO")
"Right. Him. Oy." Sean said as he rolled his eyes.
Sean: (Narrating) During the opening credits, we see a killer entering a motel room and shoots a woman in the head. Then after the credits end, we get a little tracking shot throughout the police station like it's Goodfellas and we're introduced to Los Angeles Detective Jim Campbell, played by Keenen Ivory Wayans, as he heads into his office to come across the man himself…
(Campell sees Lieutenant Jack Cole sitting in his office)
Det. Jim Campbell (Played by Keenan Ivory Wayans): Uh, Mr. Love Beads, you gonna have to seek higher enlightenment somewhere else.
Lt. Jack Cole (Played by Steven Seagal): I'm Lieutenant Cole. Been assigned to the case. They asked me to come back here and look through the files. Didn't mean to be discourteous. Nice to meet you.
"You know most buddy-cop movies would take their time to introduce each of the cops in their separate environments before they get paired up together? Well, this movie just pairs these two cops right off the bat." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Campbell meets his new partner Lieutenant Jack Cole, played by Steven Seagal. Cole was a cop in New York who worked on the DeMarco killings and he's transferred to the LAPD.
"Let me guess, he's going to play a cop with a checkered past, right?" Sean asked.
(A green check symbol pops up on screen as Sean notices this)
"Of course. We're bound to find out about his past sooner or later." Sean said.
Det. Jim Campbell: We work as a team around here.
Lt. Jack Cole: You know, the way I work is, uh, I just kind of like to solve the case. I don't even care who gets the credit.
"Well, considering you got top billing over Keenan Ivory Wayans and listed as the movie's producer, I think you care about who gets the credit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Campbell gives Cole the details about a serial killer known as "the Family Man", who's killed six families in the last eight months and he leaves their bodies crucified on the walls like Jesus Christ. Yep, they're dealing with a killer who does ritual killings. And all of his victims are all Catholics. And with two more bodies added to the list, Cole and Campbell head down to the crime scene to take a look at his latest work.
Lt. Jack Cole: This ain't the same, Jim.
Det. Jim Campbell: Yeah, this is the first one in a motel. All the rest have taken place in their houses. Normally, we can ID the couple. But… other than that, it's pretty much the same MO.
Lt. Jack Cole: No, there's a lot more than that goin' on. I mean, this is different.
"Somebody's been watching The Passion of the Christ way too many times." Sean said, imitating Cole.
Sean: (Narrating) After leaving the crime scene, Cole and Campbell take some time to get to know one another, just like what partners do. But instead, they get a call on the radio about a hostage situation going on and Cole wants to head on down to the location, but Campbell does not want to deal with hostages and a possible suicide.
Det. Jim Campbell: We're homicide. Now, some dumbass wants to jump off a buildin', that's his problem. Somebody push his ass off the buildin', then call me.
Lt. Jack Cole: The way I look at it, death is death, you know, I mean… we gotta have compassion for the dead, the dying, the could-be-dying, and the about-to-be-dead.
"What is this, one of the quotes from Zen Master Seagal?" Sean asked.
(A picture of Steven Seagal is shown with the quote that reads "Death is death, you know, I mean… we gotta have compassion for the dead, the dying, the could-be-dying, and the about-to-be-dead.")
Sean: (Narrating) They head down to location, which happens to be a Catholic school and we see that a teenager named Johnny Deverell, played by Johnny Strong, is holding his classmates and his girlfriend hostage in a classroom. Who does this guy think he is Rick from Degrassi? Also, let's not forget that his girlfriend Millie, played by Nikki Cox, broke up with him.
Millie (Played by Nikki Cox): Johnny. Johnny, please stop it. They're gonna hurt you.
Johnny Deverell (Played by Johnny Strong): Shut up now, Millie! I'm not in the mood for this!
School Teacher (Played by Blake Lindsay): Put the gun down, Johnny. Just put it down!
Johnny Deverell: Shut up!
"Okay, either his girlfriend broke up with him or he's getting sick and tired getting hit by the ruler." Sean said.
Lt. Jack Cole: (On the P.A. system) Johnny. This is Detective Cole, LAPD.
We cut back to Sean, who is seen holding his Beretta 92FS Inox pistol.
"God, is that you? Look, if it's about me masturbating to Natalia Starr lezzing it out with Jill Kassidy, I'll never do it again. I promise." Sean said, imitating Johnny.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, at least Cole is handling this situation very calmly. In situations like this, you gotta establish a rapport with the gunman and do everything you can to keep him calm.
(Cole kicks the door open and points his gun at Johnny)
Lt. Jack Cole: Sorry, Johnny. Put the gun down. I don't want to shoot you, and you don't want to be dead.
Johnny Deverell: Drop the gun! Come on.
"Or he can just kick the door open and point his gun at the kid… with his finger on the trigger! Haven't you done any firearm training?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Cole puts his gun down so he won't shoot him and tries to find out what's going on with Johnny and why is acting like this.
Johnny Deverell: You don't understand, man. You don't understand. I can't go back with him. I can't, I won't.
Lt. Jack Cole: With who?
Johnny Deverell: You don't understand… I can't go back with him.
Lt. Jack Cole: With who?
Johnny Deverell: I can't. I won't. (Points the gun to his head)
(Cole tackles Johnny through a window and into another window, stopping him from killing himself)
"Okay, how is tackling a suicidal teen through a window an effective means of suicide prevention? How is that even possible?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) He could've killed himself and the kid. They would've become street pizza! Hell, they were lucky to go through the other window. Either Seagal has the power of flight or he's assisted by one of the angels from Angels In the Outfield!
Millie: I love you, Johnny!
Johnny Deverell: (Unconscious) I love you too.
Lt. Jack Cole: Oh… I love you too. I hate this job.
"I see that Keenan Ivory Wayans isn't the only one to crack jokes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Johnny gets arrested and his stepfather Frank Deverell, played by Bob Gunton, arrives to thank Cole for saving Johnny's life.
Lt. Jack Cole: You look like a very sincere individual, and I… really, really appreciate your, uh… coming down. So nice of you.
Frank Deverell (Played by Bob Gunton): Well, I sincerely hope that if there's ever anything I can do for you, you won't hesitate to ask me.
Lt. Jack Cole: You'll be the first one I dial.
"Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that Frank Deverell is a powerful crime boss. Man, is it just me, or does Bob Gunton play people of authority? I mean, he did play the warden in The Shawshank Redemption. And he played Chief Earle in Demolition Man, and he played Ethan Kanin in 24. Yep, I see a pattern here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Deverell sends his private security chief Donald Cunningham, played by John M. Jackson, to talk to Cole and to shake him down. But, Cole isn't going to deal with Rear Admiral Chegwidden's threats.
Lt. Jack Cole: You tell your asshole boss that nobody, nobody threatens me.
Donald Cunningham (Played by John M. Jackson): I understand. I'll convey your feelings to Mr. Deverell.
Lt. Jack Cole: Now get your ugly white ass outta here. And don't come back.
"Wait, what?" Sean asked, making a confused look on his face.
Lt. Jack Cole: Now get your ugly white ass outta here. And don't come back.
"Is Seagal forgetting that he's not the black comedian in this buddy-cop movie. You can't insult somebody by calling them an "ugly white ass". Hell, Seagal looks like an ugly white ass nowadays." Sean said as a picture of Steven Seagal eating a carrot is shown next to him.
Sean: (Narrating) Cole and Campbell head down to the morgue, where we are treated to some naked dead women, as the coroner examines the female victim who was killed by the Family Man. Campbell thinks that the woman is not local, but Cole can tell that the woman was Russian, for some odd reason. His Seagal Powers can tell the difference between an American woman and a Russian woman. Well, at least Campbell can point something else out about the woman.
Det. Jim Campbell: (Looks at the woman) She got nice tits.
Lt. Jack Cole: Precisely, grasshopper, but a little bit too nice.
"Well, Russia has some of the hottest women in their country." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cole removes one of the woman's implants after recognizing her fake boobs. Okay, I can buy that part. Anyway, Cole and Campbell take some time to get to know one another while they enter a Chinese herbal shop, where we get some good humor from Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Det. Jim Campbell: (Sees Casablanca playing on TV) Hey, this is my favorite movie.
(Mae Lee speaks in Chinese to Campbell)
Det. Jim Campbell: Do you know I'm black? I have no idea what you're saying.
Lt. Jack Cole: She says that movie always makes her cry.
Det. Jim Campbell: Oh, yeah, that's a real tearjerker. I mean, I mean, not that, you know, not that I cry at movies or anything like that. I just… you know… I mean, it takes more than a sad scene to break me, you know what I mean?
Lt. Jack Cole: Once in a while you should cry 'cause, like, it cleanses the soul. You know, you could use a little bit of that.
Det. Jim Campbell: If I need a cleansing, I'll have a bran muffin. Thank you.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, I love this funny bit right here that never fails to make me laugh.
(Campbell put some powdered herbs in his mouth and makes a disgusted look)
Det. Jim Campbell: Oh, shit. This is bitter, man.
Lt. Jack Cole: Bitter? I don't know why it would be bitter.
Det. Jim Campbell: What is this? (Puts some more powdered herbs in his mouth)
Lt. Jack Cole: Oh, it's just a little bit of… …powdered deer penis.
(A disgusted Campbell spits out the powdered deer penis while Cole laughs at him)
Det. Jim Campbell: Shit, man! The fuck?! That's real funny, man. That's real fuckin' funny. Damn you, I feel violated.
"That's Seagal's way of humiliating Wayans. He just made him taste penis. Wait a minute, are you implying that Seagal gets his powers from eating penis?" Sean asked.
Det. Jim Campbell: (Notices Cole's mahla) So tell me, man, what's up with the beads?
Lt. Jack Cole: These here? It's called a mahla. Tibetan prayer beads.
Det. Jim Campbell: What do you use 'em for?
Lt. Jack Cole: Well, I use them to calm my mind and to purify my thoughts.
"Yeah, back in the mid '90s, Steven Seagal was practicing Buddhism. I'll explain more about that later on in the review." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They get a call about an informant who claims to have info on the Family Man and that the informant will give it to them. They head down to the location where Cole spots a group of hooligans trying to break into a car.
Det. Jim Campbell: Look, man, we're here to meet an informant. We don't have time for that.
Lt. Jack Cole: We're police. We gotta go get the bad guys once in a while.
Det. Jim Campbell: You know, why don't we just get you some red boots and a cape and you can fly around the city and stop all the crime.
"Steven Seagal as Superman? Really? I see him as Batman. Fun fact: Steven Seagal was considered for the role of Batman over Michael Keaton. Come to think of it, you'll have Steven Seagal breaking The Joker's bones." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cole and Campbell confront the punks who suck at vandalism, but it turns out to be a trap by the Russian Mafia sent by Deverell.
Det. Jim Campbell: Look now, this is a police matter. It got nothin' to do with you.
Misha (Played by George Fisher): Drop the guns.
(Cole and Campbell put their guns to the ground)
Det. Jim Campbell: Think we're gonna have to do this the hard way.
Lt. Jack Cole: I can't fight, man.
Det. Jim Campbell: What do you mean you can't fight? It's a fine time to tell me now.
Misha: Get down on your knees. Now.
Lt. Jack Cole: He likes you, that's the good news.
Misha: Sorry. Not without dinner and a movie.
"Ah, I see you have jokes. In Russia, we don't take kindly to wisecracking American cops." Sean said, imitating Misha.
Lt. Jack Cole: What do you want?
Misha: You… dead.
Lt. Jack Cole: Why?
Misha: Because the pay is so good.
Lt. Jack Cole: Ah, well, how about if I double the pay?
(Misha laughs)
Misha: You have balls. But I don't think you have enough money.
Lt. Jack Cole: Well, I do. I got thousands of dollars in my pocket. I'm gonna reach into my back pocket slowly to get my wallet. (Pulls out his wallet) I have a lot of cash… or…you could take plastic. (Pulls out a credit card)
Misha: Plastic!
(A concealed razor pops out of Cole's Dynasty credit card and slits Misha and two of the Russian thugs' throats with it)
Lt. Jack Cole: Let's rock n' roll.
"Wait a minute. He has a hidden razor in his credit card and he slit their throats with it? Okay, either Seagal is a superhero or Capital One is going crazy with their cards." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We get our first fight scene of the film in which Cole and Campbell beat the ever loving crap out of these guys. And yeah, this is a heavily edited fight scene with super-fast cuts, slo-mo and obvious stunt doubles. Take a look at this guy, he's getting hit by Seagal's lightning-fast punches.
(Cole punches a Russian gangster. He uses lighting-fast blocks before hitting the guy)
"He couldn't give the guy a chance to hit him." Sean said.
(Cole kicks the gangster until he falls off the dock and into a bulldozer blade's spikes, impaling him)
"I would like to point out that since Seagal was practicing Buddhism, he wants to stop killing villains in his movies due to his spiritual beliefs. Well, that's one way to practice Buddhism…" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) …since we just witnessed you killing four guys in the scene.
Det. Jim Campbell: You know… for a minute there I forgot you said you can't fight.
Lt. Jack Cole: It's not that I can't fight, I'm not supposed to. It's against my religion, you know?
Sean: (Narrating) After beating the crap out of their assailants, Cole notices the tattoo on one of the knocked out gangsters and sees that they're the Russian Mafia. And they question him to find out who sent them. But Campbell speaks good Russian, and he questions him the best way possible.
Det. Jim Campbell: (Slams the unconscious gangster's head on the trunk of the car) Answer me, goddamn it, before I beat the shit out of you, you dumbass!
Lt. Jack Cole: You speak good Russian.
Det. Jim Campbell: Yes. Black Russian.
"Chto eto za chernyy russkiy? YA tozhe khorosho govoryu po-russki, lysyy." Sean said, speaking in Russian.
(Translates to: "What kind of Black Russian is that? I can speak good Russian too, baldy." as the subtitles are shown on screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Campbell talks to Captain Harris, played by Ryan Cutrona, about Cole and telling him that he's some kind of supercop. Also, is it just me or is the cameraman drunk while filming the scene? I mean, is he trying to go for a dutch angle shot or is he just drunk out his mind?
(On the scene where Campbell is talking to Captain Harris down the hall, the camera moves around a little wobbly while they're talking)
Sean: (V/O as Cinematographer) Whoa! Whoa! Just let me get this good angle in. Ah, damn it! (Hiccup) I messed up. I knew I shouldn't have had that Long Island iced tea.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Campbell and Cole are working on more of the Family Man case until Campbell gets a call about two more bodies. So Cole and Campbell head down to the crime scene, where the Family Man killed two more victims, Andrew Dunleavy, a psychiatrist, and his wife Ellen. But Cole recognizes Dunleavy's wife. Turns out that he used to be. Aside from that, Cole's prints were found on Ellen's body, for some odd reason, Campbell wants to know more about Cole. But enough of that now as Cole heads home to tell his wife Jessica, played by Michelle Johnson, the terrible news.
Jessica Cole (Played by Michelle Johnson): What's wrong?
Lt. Jack Cole: There's been another killing.
Jessica Cole: Same guy?
Lt. Jack Cole: Yeah.
Jessica Cole: I'm sorry, Jack.
Lt. Jack Cole: He killed Ellen and her husband.
Jessica Cole: He did what?
Lt. Jack Cole: I gotta go tell my kids that their mother is dead.
Sean: (V/O as director John Gray) Uh, Steven. Show some emotion. Emote an emotion!
"I swear Seagal never emits an emotion. What is he the Terminator? I wonder what kind of orgasm he has while having sex with the chick from Blame It On Rio?" Sean asked.
(Cut to a clip from MadTV with a parody of When Harry Met Sally with Will Sasso as Steven Seagal playing Sally re-creating the orgasm scene)
Steven Seagal/Sally (Played by Will Sasso): (Faking an orgasm) OH YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! WHOA! OHHHHHH! OH YEAH! OH YEAH! AHHH! WOAH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHOAAAAAAAH!
We cut back to Sean as he looks at the camera with a deadpan look on his face while he stays silent before saying another word.
"Never play that again. Never. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll have to go clean my ears with acid." Sean said as he leaves the living room.
Sean: (Narrating) Cole mourns the loss of his ex-wife by meditating, Cole makes a call to Mr. Smith and that he needs to contact him right away. Who is Mr. Smith? Well, Mr. Smith was Cole's former boss in the CIA and he's played by the great Brian Cox, who catches on to Cole's antics. Later, Campbell meets up with Detective Roden, played by Richard Gant, who dug up some information about Cole.
Det. Jim Campbell: (Reads Cole's file): NYPD, Homicide, Task Force Command on the DeMarco serial killings. Lots of medals, good cop.
Detective Roden (Played by Richard Gant): He tracked down the DeMarco killer, shot him on a rooftop, one on one, and then was busted for actin' without sanction. (To Raffi) Two coffees, Raffi. Extra sugar.
Det. Jim Campbell: No coffee for me.
Detective Roden: They're both for me.
"Hey, that's how I start my day out. Just take a look at my performance as George Washington Duke in Rocky V." Sean said, imitating Detective Roden.
Sean: (Narrating) Roden tells Campbell that there are no military records on Cole and that they don't know anything about Cole. Except for one part, which was he used to be married to Dunleavy's wife. So Campbell catches up with Cole and… (Notices the familiar little girl) whoa! Hold it!
"Go back to that little girl. She looks so familiar." Sean said.
(The footage plays back and it pauses on Cole's daughter, who's played by a young Alexa Vega, or Alexa PenaVega)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, my God. Is that a young Alexa Vega, or PenaVega, whatever the hell you want to call her, in a Seagal movie? It is!
"Holy shit! Alexa PenaVega was on a Seagal movie. And now you know where Carmen Cortez got her combat moves from. And it ain't Antonio Banderas." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cole didn't bother to tell anybody that Ellen was his ex-wife because they would have pulled him off the case. And also they IDed the couple at the motel named Eugene and Sonya Roslov, who are both Russian and they're not even Catholic. And to tell him that they don't know anything about him.
Det. Jim Campbell: Your background's nothin' but smoke and mirrors. Who are you, Jack?
Lt. Jack Cole: I can't get into it right now.
Det. Jim Campbell: Yeah, well maybe you can get into this. We found your print at your ex-wife's house.
Lt. Jack Cole: Well, she was my ex-wife, you know, I pick up my kids there all the time.
Det. Jim Campbell: The print's on the body.
(The Jeopardy theme plays in the background while the word "Thinking" is printed on Cole's forehead)
Lt. Jack Cole: Planted.
Det. Jim Campbell: Yeah, right, and there's a puff of smoke comin' from the grassy knoll.
"Come, Campbell. You do realize that it only works for the Phantasm." Sean said.
Det. Jim Campbell: Look, you are one mysterious motherfucker. And nobody seems to know anything about your past, and the only piece of evidence I got points right at you. Now, does that worry you, Jack?
Lt. Jack Cole: Do I look worried?
"He's Seagal, he's never worried." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cole heads to an Italian restaurant and meets with his old boss, who is busy enjoying a nice meal. Hey, at least Tom Wambsgans isn't there to eat his food. Seagal would drop kick his ass. Also, I would like to say that when you put Brian Cox in your movie, he's going to be the best part of the movie.
Mr. Smith (Played by Brian Cox): It's been such a long time, Jack. That is the name you're using now, correct?
Lt. Jack Cole: At the moment.
Mr. Smith: Can I get you a bite to eat? The food is truly wonderful, although the service does leave a little bit to be desired.
"I've got some nice chicken alfredo. At least Shiv's husband isn't there to stick his cock in it after he ate my chicken." Sean said, imitating Mr. Smith while referencing Succession.
Sean: (Narrating) Cole wants Mr. Smith to give him some names and some info on the Family Man killings and that the last two killings were done by a professional, not a serial killer and he might know who this pro is.
Mr. Smith: Well, let me guess. They've discovered your checkered past, and now they suspect you.
Lt. Jack Cole: Not exactly. You see… they're still not… totally up on my past yet, but I know you are. Therefore I'm sure you realize what I'm capable of doing to you if I have to.
Mr. Smith: Oh, yes. Yes, indeed, I do.
"You'll probably end up breaking my arms or you'll break my spine like you did to Henry Silva in Above the Law." Sean said, imitating Mr. Smith.
Smith's Bodyguard (Played by Robert Mailhouse): If you ever pull that shit with me again, I'll kill you… and all your little Chinese moo-shoo pork potions in the world will not save you next time.
Lt. Jack Cole: You know, you shouldn't knock Chinese potions. I have something in my pocket right now that'll completely clear up that bruise on your forehead.
Smith's Bodyguard: What bruise?
Lt. Jack Cole: (Punches Smith's bodyguard) That bruise.
(Cole starts beating up on Smith's men while Smith watches)
(A clip from TruTV's World's Dumbest is shown)
Mike Trainor: Dinner and a show. It's like Medieval Times!
(As Cole leaves, the phone rings and he answers it)
Lt. Jack Cole: Hello, Lento's. No, no, no, that won't work. We're closed for renovation. I'd say… (looks around) …two months. Yeah. Thanks.
"Damn it! Well, so much for me taking my girlfriend out for her birthday. And I made reservations for that place. I guess I'm taking her to Martino's." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Cole is peacefully putting people in the hospital, Campbell gets a call from a psychiatrist who recognizes the Family Man's blood finger paintings, which will definitely help him throughout the investigation.
(Campbell sneezes)
Melanie Sardes (Played by Wendy Robie): Do you have a cold?
Det. Jim Campbell: No, I'm allergic to the incense.
Melanie Sardes: Oh. Can I get you something?
Det. Jim Campbell: No, thanks. I'm gonna go suck on some deer penis. I'll be all right.
(Sardes stays silent and looks at Campbell)
Det. Jim Campbell: It's a Chinese deer penis.
(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)
(Yakko looks at the camera)
Yakko Warner (Voiced by Rob Paulsen): Goodnight, everybody!
Sean: (Narrating) Melanie Sardes, played by Wendy Robie, shows Campbell the drawings that she recognized, and she mentioned one of her students named Christopher Maynard. And now, the hunt for Maynard begins. But Cole figures out that Maynard isn't at home, and what do you know? He's at church and Christopher Maynard, played by the best damn character actor ever, Stephen Tobolowsky. Cole confronts this religiously devout psycho who's holding a priest at gunpoint, Maynard confesses that he's not the killer.
Christopher Maynard (Played by Stephen Tobolowsky): I was spared them. Someone else was called.
Lt. Jack Cole: Who was given the call, Christopher?
Christopher Maynard: There's too much pain here. I gotta go now.
Lt. Jack Cole: Listen to me…
Christopher Maynard: (Points his gun at Cole) You stay!
Lt. Jack Cole: Listen to me.
Christopher Maynard: (Points the gun at his head) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. The time of my last confession was six months ago.
"I captured the stunt doubles in Spaceballs, I tried to kill Mel Gibson in Bird On a Wire, I annoyed the hell out of Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, I kidnapped Odie and hate on lasagna in Garfield: The Movie. God, I'm sorry for hating lasagna!" Sean cried out as he imitates Christopher Maynard.
Christopher Maynard: One… two…
Lt. Jack Cole: This is God's house. Don't make me do this.
(A clip from MadTV is shown)
Steven Seagal: Don't make me step off the path of peace.
Christopher Maynard: Please.
Lt. Jack Cole: Don't!
(Cut back to MadTV)
Steven Seagal: All I wanna do is walk the stupid path of peace. But you're forcing to walk the path of pieces.
Christopher Maynard: Three!
(As Maynard prepares to shoot Cole, Cole shoots Maynard in self-defense)
"Dude, can you imagine this happening in Groundhog Day?" Sean asked.
(The scene is played with Maynard and Cole's dialogue replaced by Ned Ryerson and Phil Connors and Phil's head superimposed over Cole's head)
Christopher Maynard: (With Ned's dialogue) Phil? Phil Connors!
Lt. Jack Cole: (With Phil's dialogue): Ned!
(Cole shoots Maynard)
"Where's the director's cut version of Groundhog Day? I think we would love to see that movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The LAPD show up on the scene and Captain Harris isn't too happy with Cole's actions.
Captain Harris (Played by Ryan Cutrona): The priest told me you let him go. Said he was calm. And we'll never know, will we? It's just like DeMarco in New York. You come out alone… the suspect is dead.
Det. Jim Campbell: Listen, Captain, we had a positive ID on—
Captain Harris: Shut the fuck up! (To Cole) I don't want freelance cops working for me! I want you,,, (points to Campbell) and you… Internal Affairs, tomorrow morning. Don't be late.
"What? No congratulations on killing the suspect? I guess he's ticked that he's going to be in Shark Attack 3." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Cole and Campbell head down to Internal Affairs, where they question Campbell. Then, it's Cole's turn and they bring out the polygraph to see if he's telling the truth or lying.
Polygraph Technician (Played by Freda Foh Shen): Are you Detective Jack Cole?
Lt. Jack Cole: Yes.
Polygraph Technician: Have you ever climbed Mt, Everest?
Lt. Jack Cole: Yes.
(The polygraph technician looks at Captain Harris with a stunned look on her face)
"Come on, he's Steven Seagal. Of course he's gonna climb Mt. Everest!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) They ask him a couple of questions until he decides to walk out of the office after he's had enough of them grilling him for answers.
Polygraph Technician: I've never seen anything like this. Everything reads true.
Captain Harris: Look, can someone learn to beat this thing?
Polygraph Technician: It's possible, but you'd have to have total control over your emotions, I don't know anybody who could pull that off.
"Again, Seagal has no emotions! Also, how are you surprised by odd readings from a polygraph test? Those things aren't known for their liability. And third, how is it possible for Seagal to beat the polygraph test? Seinfeld never beat a polygraph test. Because you know why? Because he's Jerry Seinfeld!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Cole is suspended since he's officially a suspect in the murder of his ex-wife and her husband and IA is coming for him. Also, Captain Harris tells Campbell that Maynard could not have done the last two killings… look, we already knew that, movie. No need to tell us that again. Anyway, with him being suspended, Cole can do whatever he wants as he heads down to the Roslov's house to do some investigating. But, there's some random masked thug just waiting for him and he tries to kill him.
(Cole fights the masked assailant in a room filled with birds)
Sean: (V/O as Cole) What is this, a John Woo movie? What's with all the freakin' birds flying around while I'm fightin' this guy?
Sean: (Narrating) Random masked thug leaves as Cole gets his clue. And later, we see that the random masked thug was Donald, who was sent by Deverell to get rid of evidence connecting him to Celia Roslov. Meanwhile, Cole meets with Campbell at a movie theater while he's crying from Casablanca and he shows him the clue that he found, with the same clip. And that clue is a ticket for a round trip to Moscow paid for by Deverell Industries and they figure that Deverell is behind this.
Det. Jim Campbell: Now, Sonya Roslov, she was a translator. I mean, if Deverell did any business in Russia, it makes sense he would hire someone like that.
Lt. Jack Cole: What if she was a mule?
Det. Jim Campbell: Smuggling what?
Lt. Jack Cole: Chemical weapons of some kind. I mean, you know, now that the wall fell there's a ton of that stuff floatin' around everywhere.
Det. Jim Campbell: That would explain the cancer in her body.
Lt. Jack Cole: And if you look at who controls that stuff on the black market, it's the Russian mafia.
Det. Jim Cambell: As in the guys who jumped us.
Lt. Jack Cole: You got it.
"Frank Stallone is right. Russia tends to do some very shady shit. They tend to smuggle chemical weapons into the U.S…. those bastards." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then, we see something amazing happen.
Lt. Jack Cole: Is it a good movie?
Det. Jim Campbell: You never seen Casablanca?
Lt. Jack Cole: You're asking me if I ever seen Casablanca?
Det. Jim Campbell: Well, have you?
Lt. Jack Cole: You gotta be kidding. Me? Never seen Casablanca?
"Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you actually trying to have a moment? Are you actually trying to emote… an emotion? YES! FINALLY!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we see that Deverell is in cahoots with Mr. Smith, and Smith tells Deverell some history on Cole about how he found him in 'Nam and he recruited him for The Program and that he hunted people for the CIA.
Mr. Smith: …he was known as the "Glimmer Man." There'd be nothing but jungle… then a glimmer… then you'd be dead.
"I still say that sounds like a name for a male stripper." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Deverell and Smith are in agreement that Cole and Campbell must be eliminated, as well as Deverell's son Johnny, who knows too much. First off, is Campbell as Deverell sends Donald to kill him in his apartment and we get a pretty impressive fight scene between Campbell and Donald and I have to say Keenen Ivory Wayans did a pretty good job. Hell, it's not the first time he's done an action movie. (A poster for the 1994 film A Low Down Dirty Shame is shown)
(A masked Donald kicks Campbell to television, in which he ends up knocking it down and the TV sets the apartment on fire after it breaks)
"And it's gotta be the old TVs that'll set your place on fire." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Donald knocks Campbell down and makes his escape. And now it's time for Campbell to make his escape as well, by re-enacting the mall explosion scene from A Low Down Dirty Shame.
(Campbell jumps out of his apartment as it explodes and he lands on top of the roof of his car safely)
"Yeah, I should've used the bungee cord for this jump." Sean said, imitating Cambell.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that two detectives from Internal Affairs pick up Cole as they take him on a drive for some unknown reason until he noticed the Russian mafia tattoo.
(Cole speaks in Russian to one of the Internal Affairs detective who turn their head suspiciously and the other Internal Affairs detective turns to Cole and speaks in Russian)
"O, kruto! My imeyem delo s samymi tupymi russkimi v mire!" Sean exclaimed in Russian.
(This translates to: "Oh, great! We're dealing with the dumbest fucking Russians in the world!" as the subtitles are shown on screen)
Sean: (Narrating) Cole proceeds to beat the crap out of the bumbling assassins and manages to kill them and he makes his escape and he meets up with Campbell as he picks up what's left of his apartment. With the two of them getting too close into this case, Deverell won't stop until they're dead. Campbell tells Cole that he found something on his ex-wife's phone records and somebody called her house six times. So, they trace phone records to Johnny's girlfriend's apartment, where they're greeted by her father played by Peter Jason.
"What the hell? Peter Jason! Shouldn't you be on a John Carpenter movie?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Millie tells Cole and Campbell that Johnny made the calls to Dr. Dunleavy because he was afraid to call from his house because he knew his stepfather was doing some very bad things. So, he had him sent to Our Lady Of Angels, where the assassin sent by Smith gets ready to kill Johnny.
(The assassin pulls the curtain open, revealing Cole as he shoots the man, while Campbell is keeping Johnny quiet)
"World's dumbest hitman ever." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Johnny tells Cole and Campbell that his stepfather killed Duneavy and he had Donald kill his translator because she knew about Deverell and his smuggling and Johnny found out about it too and he thought that he told Dunleavy. So yeah, Donald was the one doing all the killing was Donald to make it look like the Family Man's been doing the killing and he tells them that Smith's been helping them. So, Cole and Campbell kidnap Smith and drag him to a secluded area for questioning.
Lt. Jack Cole: What's Deverell smuggling?
Mr. Smith: I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
Lt. Jack Cole: Really?
(Cole shoots Smith in the foot)
Det. Jim Campbell: Goddamn Jack! What are you doin', man?!
"He just wanted to see if he could dance." Sean said.
Mr. Smith: Kill me if you like, you son of a bitch. I still have no idea what you're talkin' about.
(Cole points his gun at Smith)
Mr. Smith: Jack, I know we've had some harsh words in the past…
(Cole shoots Smith in the hand, Smith screams in pain)
Mr. Smith: I tell you I do not know… Okay…
(Cole grabs Smith by his wrist and gets ready to shoot his other hand)
Mr. Smith: Jack! Jack! Now, Jack. I need that hand. Jack, I need that hand.
"I need that hand so I can have my private time to watch Celeste Star and Juelz Ventura lezzing it out. Just don't shoot my jerking off hand." Sean said, imitating Mr. Smith.
Sean: (Narrating) Smith breaks and tells that Deverell is smuggling chemical weapons from Russia. Oh, for Christ's sake, we already knew that! You only need one big reveal scene. No need to repeat it once more. Smith also reveals that Deverell is going to sell the weapons to some Serbian freedom fighters at a hotel. Also, they get it all on tape and Cole tells Smith that he wants him and his friends in the CIA to leave him alone and forget that he ever existed or else he'll kill him.
Mr. Smith: Gentlemen, leave us not forget… a little matter of the ambulance.
Lt. Jack Cole: Listen, I only shot you in one foot. Hobble to a hospital.
(A clip from Succession is shown)
Logan Roy (Played by Brian Cox): Oh, fuck off!
Sean: (Narrating) Cole and Campbell set off a deal with Deverell that if he gives them Donald, he can walk away free. They tape the recording and they play it for Donald to let him know about the betrayal. The next day, Deverell arrive at the Ovington Arms Hotel for the deal. As they arrive, Cole and Campbell are waiting for them and waiting for the right moment to ruin the deal. And when everyone arrives for the exchange, it turns into Game of Thrones up in this bitch when everyone turns on each other.
Frank Deverell: What the hell is going on, Donald?
Donald Cunningham: You tell me. You think you're gonna hand me over to Cole. Bad move, fruitcake.
Frank Deverell: I don't know what you're talking about. You'll never get out of here.
Donald Cunningham: No, this is my show from now on.
(Donald and his men point their guns at Deverell and his men while Deverell's men point their guns at Donald and his men)
Frank Deverell: Positively Shakespearian.
"Dude, you're in a Seagal movie. There's nothing Shakespearian about it." Sean said.
Donald Cunningham: To be…
(Donald shoots Deverell)
Donald Cunningham: …or not to be!
"Man, if I can imagine Steven Seagal as Hamlet. It would make it an awesome movie." Sean said as a fake poster of Hamlet starring Steven Seagal is shown. "Matter of fact, I would love to see Steven Seagal do Richard III."
(A fake poster of Richard III starring Steven Seagal is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Cole and Campbell break up the little party and they get into a little shoot-out with Donald and his goons, taking some of them out and in the process, Donald manages to finish off Deverell with a bullet to the head and he makes his escape.
(Donald grabs one of the men and uses him as a bullet shield while he makes his escape)
Sean: (V/O as Goon while getting shot at) Ow! Why?! Come on! Why are you so mean?!
(Campbell heads upstairs to look for Donald. As he's looking for him, he pops up around the corner and spots a kid with a toy gun)
Det. Jim Campbell: Freeze!
(The kid with the toy gun turns around and sees Campbell. Then, the kid's friend pops up with a toy gun)
Det. Jim Campbell: Just drop it. (To the other kid) You too! Where do you live?
Ghetto Kid (Played by George Couts): Around the corner.
Det. Jim Campbell: Well, get your ass around the corner! And take little Whoopi Goldberg with you.
(The kids leave the area)
Det. Jim Campbell: Jesus Christ. Showdown on Sesame Street. Big Bird pop out one of these doors next.
"Okay, I would definitely pay good money just to see that." Sean said as a fake poster of Showdown on Sesame Street is shown with a picture of Big Bird holding an Uzi.
(Campbell enters a room to look for Donald and walks over to a window)
Donald Cunningham: Hi!
(Campbell turns around and sees Donald, who's standing in the middle of the hallway. He shoots Campbell, Campbell falls out of a window)
"Who announces their presence like that?" Sean asked.
Donald Cunningham: Hi!
"You just don't yell out "hi" to the person you're trying to kill. You could've just stayed quiet and shot the guy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Campbell hangs onto dear life on a ledge while dealing with a bad green screen effect and Cole rappels down the building to save his partner by swinging through a window and into an old lady's home.
(The old lady sees Campbell lying on top of Cole)
Lt. Jack Cole: Is that your gun or are you getting' excited, man? Get off of me. Get off.
(Cole and Campbell notice the old lady)
Lt. Jack Cole: Police business. We're right on outta here.
(A clip from Seinfeld is shown)
Jerry Seinfeld (Played by Jerry Seinfeld): We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Sean: (Narrating) And now, it's time for the final showdown as Donald tries to leave the building. But, he sees that the door is locked, which means he has to deal with Seagal. So, we get our big fight scene with Seagal punching that guy and we get two of my favorite lines from the movie.
Lt. Jack Cole: You know, when you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, I think you're probably happy, pleased at what you see. And that disturbs me. So, I'm gonna take it on as my responsibility to make sure that you never get to look in the mirror again.
Donald Cunningham: I woke up happy, I'm going to bed happy… 'cause you're gonna be dead.
"That's the line of somebody who's gonna die." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They continue to fight with Donald managing to get a hit in by making Cole bleed his own blood. And when he does that, Cole manages to throw his ass out the window.
(Cole throws Donald out the window)
Lt. Jack Cole: (Walks over to the broken window) You don't look like you're gonna be wakin' up happy now.
(The camera zooms out and we see that Donald is impaled on a wrought iron fence)
"Oooooh, nasty." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The cops show up and Captain Harris is happy that Cole disobeyed orders and Campbell complains to Cole that he has brought him nothing but bad luck.
Det. Jim Campbell: It's just that ever since you started bein' my partner I've been beat up… blown up… shot… kicked out a window… all my worldly possessions burnt to a crisp… basically, I'm homeless. Not one good thing has happened since I met you.
Lt. Jack Cole: Yeah, but you got to try powdered deer penis. That should count for something.
Det. Jim Campbell: Don't call me, Jack. Don't leave me a message. Don't fax me. If I see a bird on my window with a message on its foot, I'm throwin' him back out. Don't send flowers! Forget you know me, Jack!
Sean: (V/O as Campbell) And I ain't goin' to the sequel with you!
"And that was The Glimmer Man, and it's alright." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Yes, it tend to have its problems, but I wouldn't call it the worst Seagal movie. The action is alright and the editing is alright as well. You have Seagal being Seagal and Keenen Ivory Wayans being the comic relief and I tend to get a chuckle out of him. But there movie doesn't know if it wants to be a serious crime drama or an action-comedy. They just went with both by making it Se7en meets Lethal Weapon. The supporting cast is good with skilled actors getting decent roles. The movie follow a predictable formula and it didn't have much to reveal, they just reveal the same stuff over and over. It's a fun movie to watch, but the story is not intriguing, but I do have a soft spot for it because it's the first Seagal movie that I watched when I was young and it managed to keep me entertained. The Glimmer Man comes in at 3 deadly credit cards out of 5.
"Well, that's all for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time for more Seagal Month." Sean said before he leaves the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- No, thanks. I'm gonna go suck on some deer penis. I'll be all right.
And that was the review of The Glimmer Man for The Mayhem Critic. So, what did you think of the review and some of it's jokes? Was the review funny? Also, what did you think of the movie? I thought it was an alright film. Hell, this was the first Seagal movie that I watched and my mom owned it on VHS. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Seagal Month continues when Sean review Seagal's third film, Marked for Death. Is this one of Seagal's finest, or does it deserve to be marked for death? After the review of Marked for Death, it's Out for Justice. Now, I'm debating on if I want the review of Marked for Death to be a co-review, if someone is interested in co-reviewing this movie with me. Don't forget to leave a review for this chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if anyone is interested in doing a co-review of Marked for Death with me, feel free to PM me if you're interested and I'll get back to you. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.