A/N: The title I am using was suggested by LoamyCoffee. Big thanks to them.
Edd was the smartest of the Eds, always thinking of how to bring Eddy's scams to fruition or being forced to do his friend's homework. Eddward was always a clean and tidy man that valued order and stability.
Edd was way out of his comfort zone.
"What is going on?! What is happening?! Where are we?! How can there be a dragon?! This shouldn't be possible! This doesn't make any sense-"
Edd was brought out of his thoughts when he felt a hand slap him across the face.
"This is no time to be spacing out and babbling to yourself!" Ralof told him. "We can figure out the why later! For now, we need to get to safety!"
"You...You're right!" Edd panted as Ralof undid the ropes binding his wrists. He rubbed his wrists before noticing Ed, free from his bindings, was slapping Eddy awake.
"EDDY! WAKE UP! BIG, NASTY DRAGON!" he yelled with each slap.
"Ed! ED! QUIT IT!" Eddy snapped in anger before looking around to see that they were in a stone tower of sorts. "Where are we?"
"In quite a bit of trouble! We need to leave!" Edd told them before they felt the earth shake, the sound of wings flapping being heard. "And fast!"
"Your friend is correct! Go, before that dragon burns us along with the rest of Helgen." Ulfric ordered.
"Wait! No! This has to be a weird dream! That thing, that dragon, is just something from fairytales, right?!" Eddy asked.
"Dreams and fairytales don't burn down cities, young man." Ulfric stated.
"He's right. We have to leave." Edd stated.
"LET'S GO UP!" Ed yelled as he grabbed his friends and ran up the stairs. He got to the second floor before the dragon's face smashed it's way in.
"YOL TOOR SHUL!" Alduin Shouted, roasting everyone that was in front of his face.
"NOT COOL! NOT COOL!" the Eds yelled in terror as Alduin pulled his face out, leaving a gaping hole in the wall.
"What do we do now?!" Eddy yelled.
"Down there! Jump to the Inn!" Ralof instructed as he pointed at the building in question. Eddy and Edd began to protest before Ed jumped, causing them all to scream before they landed and crashed through.
"Ed...you idiot!" Eddy groaned as the three of them pulled themselves out of the wreckage.
"HAMING! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" they heard Hadvar yell. They got out of the Inn just in time to see the dragon torch another poor man into nothing but ash.
"This isn't happening!" Edd whimpered, catching Hadvar's attention.
"You three still alive?! Follow me if you want to stay that way!" he ordered.
"Right behind you!" Eddy answered as they followed the man through the burning city of Helgen, doing their best to keep out of sight of the dragon and avoid the flaming rubble. "Just a little further! "We're almost out of here!" Hadvar told them, only to stop when he ran into Ralof. "RALOF! You traitor! Out of our way!"
"We're escaping! You're not stopping us, Hadvar!" Ralof spat.
"IS THIS REALLY THE TIME FOR BICKERING AMONGST OURSELVES?!" Edd roared. "THERE'S A DRAGON THAT'S KILLING EVERYONE IT SEES!"
"AND IT SEES US!" Eddy yelled in a panic. They all looked to see Alduin flying towards them.
"DRAGON BAD FOR ED!" Ed screamed before he grabbed his friends, Ralof and Hadvar before running towards the nearest door.
"PUT ME DOWN!"
"LET ME GO!"
"ED! STOP! THE DOOR! EEEEEDDDD!"
CRASH!
Ed crashed right through the door before dropping them all.
"WE ARE SAFE!" he declared.
"Yeah...I feel real safe." Eddy snarked from where he lay on the floor.
"What...kind of man...is he?" Hadvar asked as he and Ralof started to get to their feet.
"By Talos...he knocked that door down with only his head!" Ralof exclaimed as he finally got to his feet.
"Speaking of heads, I'll be taking yours!" Hadvar declared as he drew his sword.
"The only head to roll will be yours!" Ralof countered as he drew his own sword.
"HOLD IT!" Edd yelled, making them turn towards him. "Have you completely forgotten about the dragon outside!? Why are you trying to kill each other?!"
"Because these Stormcloaks are traitors to the Empire!" Hadvar answered.
"How are we traitors when the Empire surrendered to those Talos hating elves?!" Ralof countered.
"First dragons, now elves?! What next?!" Eddy asked.
"Let's not ask. My mind is already overloaded with everything that has happened since I regained consciousness." Edd groaned before looking at the two men. "Gentlemen, I haven't a clue about this Empire, or of whom this Talos you speak of, but I believe escaping from the dragon is a far more pressing matter! So, for the time being, I propose a temporary truce."
"A truce?! With this elf hugging bastard?!" Ralof snapped in outrage. "NEVER!"
"I'd rather eat dung than work together with someone who follows the murderer of the High King!" Hadvar growled.
Before anyone could say anything more, the sound of dragon flying overheard was heard, followed by the screams of more people dying.
"If you two don't knock it off right now, I'm gonna have Ed here tie you up and leave you out there as a dragon snack!" Eddy threatened.
The dragon's roar at the moment made them realize that now wasn't a good time to fight each other.
"Very well. But once we're out of Helgen, I'll end you." Ralof promised Hadvar as they both sheathed their weapons.
"Only if our friends don't try to end us first." Hadvar responded. "I've no doubt that we'll find more of them through these tunnels."
"Indeed." Ralof agreed before turning to the Eds. "You three had best arm yourselves. We're all going to be in for a fight."
"F-Fight!?" Edd yelped. "B-But sir, we can talk this out w-with your friends and-"
"Grow a pair, you milk drinker!" Hadvar snapped. "Even with that dragon out there, the hatred between the Empire and the Stormcloaks is deep. The others would rather run us through than talk the moment they see us! Now find a weapon and arm yourselves!"
"Can Ed use this?" Ed asked while suddenly holding up an iron mace.
"Good choice." Ralof commented. "Now get some armor and you'll be ready."
"You heard him, boys. Let's find some stuff." Eddy ordered.
"Boys? You talk as if you're children." Hadvar said in confusion.
"We are children." Edd stated.
"Well then wherever you come from, you sure grow up fast." said Ralof.
"Huh?" the Eds said before they took a moment to look at themselves.
"Hey! I'm bigger!" Eddy stated as he looked at his adult body before looking at Ed. "And Ed too!"
"And it appears I've grown as well." Edd stated before rubbing his chin. "But how on earth-"
"GET READY!" Ralof and Hadvar yelled, making the Eds jump and scramble to find some equipment. They went around the room and found a few cloaks, boots, and Eddy found an iron war axe.
"Nice!" Eddy whispered as he held the axe out before turning towards Edd. "Hey, Double Dee. You find anything? I think I saw a sword or two?"
"That's okay. I'm quite comfortable with this." Edd responded as he held a small iron dagger in his hand.
"Suit yourself." Eddy shrugged. "Okay, let's go."
"Follow us." Hadvar ordered. The group of five travelled through the area before coming to large room that had a group of Imperials fighting against some Stormcloaks.
"THE MIGHT OF THE EMPIRE SHALL CRUSH YOU ALL!"
"LONG LIVE ULFRIC STORMCLOAK, THE TRUE HIGH KING!"
"Everyone! Stay your blades!" Hadvar yelled, but was drowned out by all the fighting.
"Let me handle this." Eddy said before taking a deep breath.
"Cover your ears!" Edd yelped before he and Ed did so, with Hadvar and Ralof copying them.
"ENOUGH ALREADY!"
Everyone instinctively clapped their hands to their ears at the sound of Eddy's voice booming throughout the room. After a moment, the two groups looked to see the Eds standing with Hadvar and Ralof.
"Now that we have your attention, we need to put our war on hold for a moment and escape!" Ralof explained.
"...WHAT?!" one of the Stormcloaks.
"I know, it sounds prepostrous. However, we need to warn the other Holds about the dragon!" Ralof continued.
"...WHAT?!"
"WHAT'D HE SAY?!"
"WHAT'D YOU SAY?!"
"Eddy, I think you broke their ears." Ed said as the two groups kept asking what was being said.
"Perhaps you should learn to control the volume of your speech in the future." Edd suggested.
"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!" Eddy yelled.
"I rest my case." Edd sighed as the others kept rubbing their ears.
"I think my ears are working again!"
"You have a fear of cooking?!"
The Eds just watched as the two groups kept on asking who said what before Edd stared at the screen.
"Author, please move this along." Edd asked.
And so, Alduin, the World Eater, fell at the hands of the Eds after a mighty battle-
"AUTHER, NO! TOO FAR!" Edd yelled.
After the two groups got their hearing back, Hadvar and Ralof told them about the temporary truce. Neither group was pleased, but they reluctantly agreed that the dragon was a bigger concern.
"Glad we could come to an agreement. Shall we?" Edd asked before they all started to navigate their way through the tunnels under Helgen, stopping any other fights they encountered on the way. As they travelled, the tiny pebbles that were falling on them from above began to increase in drop rate. "Oh dear. I believe the dragon's actions have caused the stability of these tunnels to decrease and-"
"Get to the point, Double Dee." Eddy huffed before the ceiling started to crack and sag.
"The tunnel's about to go! RUN!" Ralof ordered, causing everyone to start running. They kept on running before the ceiling above finally gave way, causing the tunnel to collapse.
"Th...That...That was close!" Hadvar wheezed as he, Ralof, the Eds and a few others all stared at the tunnel, a hand sticking out of the rubble.
"Oh dear!" Edd gasped in horror.
"Well, we're not going back out that way." Hadvar deduced. "All we can do is move forward."
"But what about all those that were caught by the falling rocks?!" Ed asked.
"There's nothing we can do. They're already dead." Ralof answered. "Come. We need to move." The others all move onwards, leaving the Eds to look sick before they slowly followed as well. The manmade structures soon gave way to a natural cave as they continued before the group encountered a group of gigantic spiders.
"My word. Those arachnids are enormous!" Edd whispered.
"And deadly. Get ready. These won't be easy." Ralof explained as he and the others got their weapons out.
"ED WILL SMASH THEM!" Ed yelled before he brandished his mace and charged in, yelling at the top of his lungs.
"ED, NO!" his friends yelled as the spiders were alerted to Ed. The first one didn't have a chance to attack before Ed smashed it's head with his mace. The other tried spat globs of poison at him, which he dodged before throwing his mace at one of them with enough force that it exploded. He then stomped on the last one's head, ending it.
"ED HAS SLAIN THE BEASTS!" Ed cheered.
"NOT ALL OF THEM! LOOK UP!" a Stormcloak yelled. Ed did so to see two more spiders coming out of large holes in the ceiling. He roared as he grabbed their butts, as he would call the largest part on them, as they fell and slammed them together, making their innards splash everywhere and truly ending the fight.
"By the Gods. No fear or hesitation! And that strength of his!"
"I'd hate to fight this guy on the battlefield."
'I must get this man on the Empire/Stormcloaks side.' Hadvar and Ralof thought at the same time before they all continued.
"Quiet!" Ralof whispered as they came upon a sleeping bear. "It's sleeping. I'd rather not tangle with a bear right now."
"Ed just smashed five big spiders and you're afraid of one bear?" Eddy asked.
"You ever seen a bear protect her cubs?" Hadvar asked.
"What cubs?" Ed asked.
"Let's just sneak by and not alert her." Ralof huffed. Everyone then quietly began to tip toe their way past the bear, allowing it to sleep and keeping it from attacking them.
"How much further?" an Imperial asked.
"I feel a breeze. We're close to an exit!" Hadvar informed them. A few moments later, the group finally saw the end of the tunnel. "This way!" Hadvar exclaimed as the group picked up the pace until they made it outside into the open.
"Alright! Back in the sunlight!" Eddy said with a grin. A grin that fell when a shadow flew over them, followed by the dragon's roar.
"Get down!" Ralof whispered as everyone hit the dirt. All their eyes were to the skies as the dragon flew off into the unknown.
"...Good. It didn't see us." a Stormcloak sighed in relief.
"That was a rather horrifying experience." Edd stated as he fixed his hat before feeling the tip that was chopped off. "I loathe to admit it, but I believe I owe that dragon. If not for it's appearance, I'd have lost more than this."
"I can fix that!" the Imperial Captain snapped as she brandished her sword, with everyone else branding their weapons and looking ready to kill.
"What are you all doing?!" Edd asked in shock. "Hasn't there been enough death for one day!?"
"This is war! And in war, the fighting never stops until one side is dead!" Ralof answered.
"Indeed! It's time for you traitors of the Empire to meet your end!" Hadvar growled.
"I can't see the dragon anymore." Ed stated as he looked out at the horizon before looking at his friends. "Do you think there are more of them?! That'd be so cool!"
Everyone's widened at the question as a horrible sense of dread filled them all.
"That chinless man has a point. What if there are more dragons?"
"If one could destroy Helgen, then everyone's in danger!"
Ralof and Hadvar both sheathed their weapons before speaking up.
"I don't like this, but now's not the time to be fighting." said Ralof.
"Indeed. If there are more dragons, we need to alert the other cities. And to do that, we need everyone here to spread out and send the message." Hadvar ended.
Both sides glared at the other but sheathed their weapons as well. Ralof and Hadvar then began to give orders to the men, telling them where to go and what to say.
"Men! Move out!" they ordered, making both groups disperse and head off to warn the rest of Skyrim.
"Glad that's over with." Eddy said in relief. "Now...WHAT DID YOU DO, DOUBLE DEE!?" he yelled as he began to shake Edd.
"What are you talking about?!" Edd asked.
"I mean where did you stupid machine send us?!" Eddy elaborated. "We got hit with that weird light! Now we're in some weird place full of dragons and people trying to kill us!"
"I told you, the device wasn't supposed to do anything! It was just designed to light up and make beeping sounds!" Edd stated. "It wasn't supposed to be able to teleport us anywhere!"
"Do you have any idea what they're talking about?" Ralof asked Hadvar as Eddy continued to yell at Edd.
"Not a clue." Hadvar answered as Eddy started yelling at Ed.
"I know! It's your fault, lumpy! You're the one who started pressing buttons!" Eddy snapped.
"But Eddy, the icky Kanker sisters were there!" Ed said in his defense.
"The Kankers...oh dear." Edd said with wide eyes. "Gentlemen, the situation may be far worse than we think."
"What do you mean?" Eddy asked.
"We weren't the only ones there. If that light transported us here, it may very well be possible that the others were transported as well." Edd explained.
"You mean all the other kids are here? In this weird place?" Eddy asked with wide eyes.
"It may be a possibility. I have no proof of this, but we should keep on the lookout while we're here in...Pardon me, but where exactly are we?" Edd suddenly asked Ralof and Hadvar.
"You don't know?" Hadvar asked.
"This is Skyrim!" Ralof answered before the two turned and started to walk. "Come. Our hometown is not far from here. We can rest and get something to eat."
"I'm in. I'm starving." Eddy grinned as the Eds began to follow the two.
"So where exactly are you three from anyway?" Ralof asked.
"Peach Creek." Ed answered.
"Never heard of it." said Hadvar.
"It's...very far away. I doubt anyone here in Skyrim has heard of it." Edd explained. Ralof and Hadvar narrowed their eyes, making the Eds sweat and smile nervously.
"Hmm. Probably a strange place that's as odd as you three." Hadvar said before he started walking.
"Indeed. What even is a peach?" Ralo asked as he followed Hadvar. The Eds quickly joined them and followed the two warriors, their eyes looking around at the different landscape.
"We truly are in another world." Edd whispered to his two friends.
"Yeah. I wanna go home." Eddy whispered back.
"I'm hungry." Ed stated stupidly.
"We'll get something to eat when we reach Riverwood. I could definitely go for some mead or ale at this point." Hadvar told them.
"Heh. That's probably the only thing we still have in common." Ralof chuckled as they continued onward.
"Hope the food here is good." Eddy grumbled while Edd spotted something peculiar.
"What are these?" Edd asked as he looked at a trio of stones with a gaping hole in each of them.
"Hmm? Oh! These are called the Guardian Stones." Hadvar began. "They're but a few of the Standing Stones across Skyrim. Legend has it that the stones can grant powers to individuals, allowing them to rewrite their fate."
"Cool!" Ed said in awe.
"Powers?! Now you're talking!" Eddy beamed as he quickly approached the stones. "How do they work?!"
"Eager to become stronger, huh? Well, don't be too rash. You can only recieve the blessing of one stone at a time by placing your hand through the hole in the center." Ralof informed them before touching each stone as he explained which one they were. "This is the Warrior Stone. Those who recieve it's blessing are said to become gods of the battlefield!"
"Oh oh oh! Me Me Me!" Ed yelled before he quickly shoved his arm through, a mystical light shining in the center and filling Ed with a strange power. "Eddy? I feel tingly."
"That just means it's working." Ralof laughed as he gestured to the next stone. "And this is the Mage Stone. This stone grants a boon to those seeking to improve their skill and understanding in magic."
"Magic?" Edd asked. "There's no such thing as magic!"
"Where have you been living all your life? Everyone can use magic, whether it be insignificant or with expert ease." Hadvar told them.
"But the thought of magic existing outside of sleight-of-hand and mirrors is-"
"Either put your hand in the hole or in your mouth, Double D!" Eddy snapped.
"W-Well...here I go." Edd said before slowly putting his hand into the hole. The moment the light touched his arm, Edd's body felt strange and his mind felt like it was filling with unknown knowledge. As quickly as the light came, it vanished, leaving Edd to stand there like a statue before falling over.
"Double D?" Ed said as and Eddy stood over their fallen friend.
"What's with you?" Eddy asked.
"...I feel like everything that I know is a lie." Edd whimpered.
"Is your friend alright?" Ralof asked.
"He's fine." Eddy shrugged off before going to the last stone. "Which one is this one?"
"That's the thief stone. Not very honorable, but it can help you find ways to put more coin in your pocket." Hadvar answered.
"Coin? You mean cash?! I'm in, baby!" Eddy declared as he quickly shoved his hand into the hole, the mystical light hitting his arm. "You guys were right. This does tingle." he said before pulling his hand back. "So, what now?"
"Now we continue." said Ralof.
"Okay!" Ed said before hoisting Edd onto his shoulder like a sake of flour and following them, with Eddy bringing up the rear. A bit more walking later and a small town came into view.
"There it is. Home sweet home." Hadvar said with a smile. "Welcome to Riverwood."