Warning - memories of a suicide attempt.
Tansy stepped out of the fireplace and into the familiar circular office that had once belonged to Dumbledore. Minerva McGonagall was standing by the huge desk opposite the fireplace, the baby clasped securely in her arms. Tansy crossed the room swiftly, just to make sure that Hope had suffered no ill effects from the Floo network. She was pleased to see that the baby was still sleeping as soundly as she had been when they had left the Scottish cottage.
On closer examination of the office, Tansy saw several changes from when it had belonged to Dumbledore – the tables full of delicate instruments had been cleared away – Tansy could see that they now lined the shelves of several tall filing cabinets along the opposite wall. The door that had once led into Dumbledore's private quarters was also gone and a tall window stood in its place showing a stunning view out over the castle grounds and the lake. The sun was just starting to sink behind the mountains beyond the lake and the sky was streaked with soft pink and orange stripes.
'It's changed quite a bit, hasn't it?' Minerva McGonagall said, beckoning Tansy over to the office door. Tansy dragged her eyes away from the portrait of Dumbledore, snoozing in his gilded frame, and nodded. 'I've been working on it for the last few days with Filius's help. Hogwarts castle is very mouldable you realise, almost like magical clay. You have to encourage it with the right spells and enchantments but if you know the technique then the castle is generally very obliging once it understands the desired outcome. I think you could probably construct a room or a passageway anywhere if you knew the right spells. Whether the castle chooses to remain the way you have spelled it is another matter though…'
Tansy had absolutely no idea what her adoptive mother was talking about. Today, her brain seemed to be submerged in the inky fog once more; her mind felt woolly and it was hard to concentrate on her surroundings. Minerva McGonagall had never made Tansy talk to her when the girl had retreated into her silence. This, however, did not stop her from questioning and encouraging the girl to talk about her problems, a thing that Tansy had always found exhausting. For the past two days, ever since Tansy had opened up to Minerva and Remus, the Professor had been lightly questioning her at regular intervals. However, the anxiety that Tansy was feeling had been too much to cope with, and the girl hadn't been able to say another word, even to Minerva McGonagall.
The office door led, not to the familiar spiral staircase that Tansy had anticipated, but instead to a wide carpeted landing. Another door opposite stood ajar and Tansy could see a small but comfortable living space beyond. A normal, carpeted staircase led down to the exit where the back of the stone gargoyle protruded from the wall.
'To be honest with you, I always found that moving contraption slightly nauseating,' Minerva McGonagall said, sounding slightly sheepish, as she followed Tansy's surprised eyes.
Tansy followed the Professor through the opposite door and into what looked like a small, but well-proportioned two-bedroom flat, with a large living space complete with a kitchenette and sitting area and wide windows showing views out over the lake.
'This one is yours.' Minerva opened the door to the second, larger bedroom. Tansy saw a large four poster bed, with crimson hangings, a large desk and a crib. A built-in cupboard and chest of drawers stood over by the opposite wall. Through the open door into the ensuite she could she a changing table and a baby bath. She gulped, but the words of thanks she so wanted to say to her adoptive mother seemed to get stuck in her throat.
'So, as you know eighth years are required by law to return to Hogwarts to complete the seventh year curriculum. All the school years are being put back a year after the disruption of last year.' Minerva said, laying the baby gently in the crib and then using her wand to open the window so that a gentle breeze could play over her face. 'Because you are all of age we've put some new rules in place and you will be allowed to leave the school grounds in the evenings and at weekends.'
Tansy shrugged, not particularly bothered by this information; she didn't really care about being let out of the school grounds, besides there was nowhere in particular that she wanted to go. She stared out of the window at the glassy surface of the lake, wondering with a faint stirring of panic how she was going to manage her classes and schoolwork with a new born baby in tow. She imagined holding her own ebony wand in her hand and using it to cast a spell; a simple transformation spell, the matchstick to needle transfiguration she'd learned eight years ago. Her fingers curled around the imaginary handle and twitched as she envisaged the wand movement. Her mind stalled as she thought the words to a spell and she immediately began to hyperventilate. Her adoptive mother continued to speak but Tansy couldn't get her ears to cooperate enough to listen to what was being said.
'Tansy?' Minerva seemed to have realised that Tansy wasn't paying attention. With a stupendous effort, Tansy turned to her. She took a deep breath and gave Minerva a brittle smile of reassurance. From the look of concern on her adoptive mother's face she knew that she hadn't been particularly convincing.
'We've added eighth year common rooms for each house and individual bedrooms for all of the returning eighth year students.' Minerva said, looking carefully at Tansy. 'You are more than welcome to stay here instead if you'd rather. That way I will be on hand if Hope needs anything or if you…' Minerva trailed off, leaving an uncomfortable silence of unsaid things.
Tansy rubbed her hands together, twisting her fingers backwards until the pain in her joints helped her to focus.
'Tansy, what's the matter?' Minerva McGonagall pushed the girl onto the four poster and then sat down next to her. Tansy took a deep breath, looking into her adoptive mother's face and felt the panic she'd been fighting all day abating slightly as she realised that Minerva would be there to help her through whatever was coming. 'Can you tell me what you're feeling?'
Tansy bit her lip and opened her mouth; the notion of using words to communicate still terrified her exponentially especially considering everything that she'd said the last time she'd let herself speak; words could be so unpredictable.
'I…' She took a deep breath.
'It's okay, Tansy, take your time.' Tansy felt Minerva taking her hands in her own. The other woman's hands felt so solid and warm that Tansy found herself feeling slightly comforted.
'I just… I'm scared that I won't be able to manage the school work and… and Hope and…' Her voice rose slightly in panic. 'Who's going to look after Hope when I'm in class? She can't be left on her own and I won't leave her with strangers! I…' She trailed off unwilling to continue.
'Hush Tansy, it's okay.' Minerva squeezed Tansy's hands tightly, grounding her to the present. 'Let's just start small. You can attend a few classes here and there and see how they go. The other Professors and I will tutor you by yourself if you find that easier.'
I can't bring myself to pick up a wand so how can I do magic in class? Instead of voicing this fear, Tansy settled for something else.
'But what about Hope?' Tansy looked over at her sleeping daughter, wondering how such a tiny person could've made such a huge impact in her life already; she could no longer make decisions based solely on what she wanted because Hope would always come first.
'Madam Pomfrey has offered to care for her as long as it doesn't interfere with her duties in the hospital wing. Mrs Weasley has also offered and your friends have too. I know that Miss Granger in particular is really looking forward to it. I think we might have to teach those young men which end the nappy goes on though before we let them loose, don't you?' Tansy nodded, still feeling slightly panicked; the thought of Mrs Weasley looking after Hope was not particularly comforting to her.
Even with the promise of help looking after the baby, she had no idea how she was going to get her brain to work properly again. Most of the time it still felt as though she was drowning in the fog. The rest of the time, panic seemed to be filling every cell of her body until there was no room for anything else.
'Professor…' Tansy bit her lip rather hard. Then she looked into Minerva's face, drawing the courage that she needed to speak her problems out loud. 'I… I don't think that I can do it. The fog in my head seems to have taken over everything. There's no room for lessons or anything else. I just seem to exist. It's… it's like I'm floating.' Her adoptive mother sighed and then looked her straight in the eyes.
'Tansy, what I'm about to say is probably going to sound unfeeling, unsympathetic even.' She said firmly. 'I do believe that returning to some semblance of normality will be the best thing that you can do to help you to get over what happened to you. There is nobody in the castle who won't support you in this. I believe that you can do it. I know that you don't believe that yourself but I hope that you will trust me enough to at least try.'
Tansy looked at the sincerity on her adoptive mother's face and sighed inwardly; she knew she would try. Not because she believed that she would succeed but because Minerva McGonagall believed that she would and Tansy had always trusted her more than she'd trusted anybody else.
Severus Snape's POV
'Perseverance.' Severus gave the password to the ugly stone gargoyle that guarded the staircase to the headmistress's quarters and it sprang aside at once. It felt strange to climb up the carpeted staircase beyond after so many years of simply stepping onto the moving staircase and letting it carry him up.
It was definitely a relief not to be in charge of the school any longer; Severus knew that he was a good teacher but he was under no delusions that he was head-material. Of course, it hadn't helped that he'd been head of a sinking ship, desperately trying to keep the school afloat as Alecto and Amycus Carrow destroyed it from within. Desperately trying not to show his true nature whilst pretending that he agreed with their brutal punishments and ghastly teaching. Desperately trying not to show how much he hated the fact that the wizarding world was collapsing and he was apparently helping to destroy it. Even though the coming year promised to be easier now that the war was over, he had been more than happy to hand the reins over to Minerva. He had loathed being the headmaster.
When he reached the wide landing at the top of the stairs, he crossed over to the right-hand door and knocked twice, surprised when it immediately flew open, revealing the familiar circular office that had been his own the previous year. His eyes flicked to the portrait above the desk where Dumbledore was snoozing quietly and then back down to where Minerva was sat, her wand still pointing towards the door, and a mountain of parchment piled on the desk in front of her. She nodded to him in greeting and then put her finger to her lips and indicated the sleeping girl in the armchair by the fire. Tansy Laverstock looked healthier than she had the last time that Severus had set eyes on her, just after she'd woken up from the three-month coma although, in his opinion, she still looked as though a stiff breeze would blow her away.
'Good evening Severus,' Minerva had walked round the side of the desk.
'Good evening Minerva,' Severus matched his tone to hers and dragged his eyes away from the girl in the armchair. 'I just brought you these documents. Horace didn't really keep on track with the official paperwork but I can assure you that it's all up to date now.' He handed her the sheath of parchment that he'd been carrying. 'I'm sorry to add to your paperwork.' He nodded to the huge pile on the desk and the equally huge pile on the floor beside her vacated chair. Then his eyes slid back to Tansy Laverstock, concerned that she was so pale and so still. He was quite relieved to see the tiny, fluttery rise and fall of her chest.
'How's she doing, Minerva?' The question left his mouth before he could stop it. His hand slid into his pocket and his fist curled around the scrawled note that he'd received by owl mail that morning.
'She's…' Minerva sighed and shook her head. 'It's extremely slow progress, Severus. I'm trying to get her to talk about what happened but she hasn't said much…'
'She's talking?' Severus interrupted, surprised.
'Only to me and Remus but yes.' It was strange, but Severus felt relieved; he remembered the girl's inability to talk at the start of her fifth year and the way that her silence had almost destroyed her. The memory of what she had done to herself at that time came back to him so vividly that he felt as though he was really there.
'You are not going to die on me, Laverstock!' Severus pointed his wand at the child's chest and tried the charm again. Her heart beat twice, stuttered and then started up again in a regular rhythm. He exhaled with relief and immediately turned to the deep self-inflicted cuts on the inside of her forearms and started to croon the required spell. Slowly, the blood receded and a faint web of clotting started to form over the deep incisions.
'I've sent a Patronus for Poppy and the Headmaster. They're on their way.' Severus barely heard Minerva's frantic voice; the spell required his full concentration. As he murmured the incantation for the third time, a blaring alarm suddenly cut across the quiet of the forest. He swore, looked down at the child's chest to confirm what he already knew to be true, and pointed his wand at her chest again.
'Goddammit! Her heart has stopped again!' With a stupendous effort, he reached for his last magical reserves and tried the spell that would restart her heart. It seemed to take an age but he hung on, knowing that he would pass out before he could attempt the spell for a fourth time. With a grating shudder he finally felt the spell take hold and Tansy Laverstock's heart stirred faintly, hiccuped, and then started to beat erratically.
'You will breathe, you will live. Get back here goddammit!' He muttered, still straining to keep her heart from stopping again.
'Severus, you've done brilliantly. We'll take over from here.'
Severus was barely aware of the hands helping him to his feet as Madam Pomfrey and Dumbledore took over the medical emergency. He barely felt the dampness of his robes where the waterlogged forest floor had soaked through. Someone handed him a potion and he downed it instinctively and immediately his surroundings came into sharper focus; Filius and Minerva were supporting him, one on either side while Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey still worked over Tansy Laverstock. Those insufferable Gryffindor fifth years were all grouped twenty or so yards away, peering anxiously over at the group of Professors.
'Severus?' Minerva asked. 'Are you okay?'
'Severus? Are you okay?' Severus jerked out of the memory and realised that he was standing in the headmistress's office.
'I'm sorry, Minerva, I was miles away.' He shook himself mentally and groped around for their topic of conversation. 'You were saying that Laverstock was talking to you?' He ignored the woman's concerned look and mercifully she allowed herself to be steered back to the conversation.
'Yes, there are obviously great gaps in what she's told us, Severus. We haven't had the full picture by any means and I don't know if we ever will. She won't say a word about what happened at the Manor and I'm afraid that if we push her too hard then she'll just clam up. But I suppose that it's a vast improvement on where we were just a week ago.' Severus's relief vanished abruptly and his mind flicked back to the contents of the note in his pocket.
'And it was at the Manor that most of the trauma occurred,' his eyes flashed black with fury and Minerva took a small step away from him.
'Well yes, but the fact that she's saying anything is more progress than I thought we'd ever make.' She hesitated and when she continued her voice shook slightly. 'I'd resigned myself never to hear her voice again, Severus.'
'Minerva…' Severus didn't know what to say and, anyway, he felt uncomfortable with the level of emotion in the room. He settled for putting his hand on her arm in a gesture of sympathy. There was a long silence.
'Can I ask a favour please?' The Professor's usual, business-like tone was back. When he nodded, she continued quickly. 'I need to go to the hospital wing briefly. I need a sleeping potion.'
'For the girl?' Minerva sighed and looked at him levelly.
'No, Severus, for me. I haven't been sleeping properly. I think it's because I'm so worried about Tansy but it's started affecting my work and, with the students back tomorrow, I need my cauldrons bubbling at full capacity.' Severus could hear Minerva's attempt to sound light-hearted but he could also clearly see the strain behind the jovial tone. For her sake, he pretended he hadn't noticed anything amiss.
'I'll stay with Miss Laverstock.' Then, catching sight of the crib on the table over by the window he blanched slightly. 'Don't leave the baby with me… I…' He shuddered delicately; babies were foreign objects to him.
As soon as Minerva had left the room, he sank into the chair behind the desk and withdrew the crumpled parchment note from his pocket, rereading it with a frown.
The note was from Draco Malfoy.
As always, your wonderful reviews inspired me to write this chapter! Happy St David's day from a very soggy South Wales.