Trigger warning – more memories of abuse and self injury
Tansy and Minerva were crossing the entrance hall on their way to the dungeons when a very harassed-looking Professor Flitwick came running in through the front door, levitating an unconscious student in front of him. Tansy heard Minerva gasp quietly, before rushing over to the student and the Charms Professor.
'What happened, Filius?'
'Ah Minerva, thank goodness. There's been an incident on the Quidditch pitch.' Professor Flitwick's squeaky voice was even higher than usual with the stress. 'Apparently the Bludgers just went completely mad.' The two Professors lent over the unconscious student – a tall, good-looking fourth year that Tansy vaguely recognised as a Chaser on the Ravenclaw team. A livid bruise was already starting to cover the left side of his face and there was a weird dent in the top of his skull. Tansy winced and drew back, hoping that it wasn't too serious – surely Madam Pomfrey would be able to help him?
'We couldn't subdue them, Minerva,' Professor Flitwick continued, his voice rising, if possible, to even squeakier decibels. 'They're still rocketing around the pitch, trying to take out anything that moves. I vacated the pitch of course and placed a barrier charm around the edge for now but I don't know how long it will hold. The rest of the team are standing guard but I've told them to leave immediately if one of the Bludgers breaks through, vicious things.'
'I'll go down immediately,' Minerva said, 'it sounds like a prank gone badly wrong.' She waited until Professor Flitwick had started levitating his unconscious Chaser up the main stairs before turning to Tansy. 'I'm sorry, Tansy, but I have to go - we'll have to reschedule for tomorrow evening. I'm sure that Professor Snape will understand.' Tansy nodded; she'd already known that this would be the outcome but her heart sank slightly at the thought of another day spent dreading the upcoming Legilimency session. Even now, when they'd been having the sessions for several weeks, it hadn't got any easier – the feelings of dread and panic would slowly accumulate as the time for their session drew nearer until Tansy was barely able to hold herself together. Each time, walking down to Severus Snape's dungeon office felt like walking to her own hanging.
Minerva had turned away towards the front doors but Tansy managed to grab her arm before she was out of reach. Minerva turned back, looking down with concern as Tansy struggled to speak.
'What is it, Tansy?'
'Professor McGonagall,' Tansy felt the other woman stiffen slightly as she always did when Tansy used her surname. She tried again. 'Mum…' Sometimes it felt like the right name to use and it came naturally to her without thinking, but at other times, times like this one, it still felt wrong and awkward. 'Can I…' Tansy hesitated. 'Can I go by myself? I…' She didn't know how to put voice to her thoughts and she knew that Minerva would want an explanation.
'What is it?' Minerva asked again, her tone slightly more bothered than the one she usually used with her adoptive daughter. Tansy could tell that she was desperate to get out to the Quidditch pitch to sort out the mess there. Perhaps this was the reason why she succeeded in replying to the other woman's question without hesitation.
'I've been dreading it all day,' Tansy muttered, surprising herself with a fluent sentence. 'I don't want to dread it all day tomorrow too and Fred was going to come over as well – we were going to have dinner…' She hesitated, suddenly wondering if she was being selfish – Minerva gave Tansy so much of her time and attention, time and attention that Tansy knew that the headmistress should be feeding into her school, and here she was, being inflexible and slightly selfish. She felt herself flushing slightly and was about to say that it didn't matter after all when Minerva nodded understandingly.
'Of course, Tansy, I understand and if you're sure that you'll be okay on your own then I'll see you later.'
Tansy nodded – the thought of attending a Legilimency session without her mother at her side scared her, but she was adamant that she didn't want another bad day tomorrow and she was also desperate to see Fred. Without giving herself time to rethink and second guess herself, she gave Minerva a quick hug before turning and walking away down the dungeon steps. She could feel Minerva's concerned eyes following her down into the dungeons but she didn't look back, afraid that if she did then she would change her mind.
Severus Snape looked mildly surprised when she entered his office alone three minutes later.
'Good evening Miss Laverstock, where is Professor McGonagall this evening?' He asked smoothly, as she took her usual seat in front of him. Tansy swallowed down the rising panic that always slammed into her the moment she entered this office and told herself that she should be used to this by now as this was the sixth time that Snape had entered her mind.
'She got called away, sir,' she whispered. 'There was an incident on the Quidditch pitch. A… a rouge Bludger.' She continued, when she saw Snape raising his eyebrows. The Potion Master's eyes widened slightly and he hesitated for a few seconds and Tansy wondered if he was about to insist that they postpone the session and wait for Minerva after all.
'Are you sure that you wish to go ahead with the session without her?' Snape finally asked, scanning her carefully with his black eyes. Tansy nodded numbly. 'Very well Miss Laverstock. Are you ready? We've made significant progress over the last few sessions.' He waited for her to nod again. 'You know the drill by now. Open your mind. Let me in. Legilimens!'
Severus Snape POV
By this point, Severus was used to the dark, chaotic tangle of Tansy Laverstock's mind but the labyrinthine mess of her thoughts always disorientated him until he had re-centred himself amongst them again. As usual, he began to push forward the moment he was inside, moving deeper into the darkness, sensing the familiar feelings of fear and the anxiety in the air around him. Slowly and carefully he moved onward and downwards, taking care to move at just the right speed – move too fast and her mind would almost certainly retract and forcibly throw him out but moving too slowly would also give her defences time to start working against him. Cautiously, he advanced through the maze until he reached the rubbery skein of shadows that he knew he needed to cross to delve into the worst memories. It seemed thicker tonight, almost as if it was made from a heavy, impenetrable, black rubber, rather than the thinner, slightly oily film of shadows that he had encountered on his previous trips through her mind. It flexed inwards as he probed it gently, before springing back to shape as he withdrew again. It seemed to Severus that this particular barrier was stronger every time he infiltrated the girl's mind – as if her mind was subconsciously reinforcing it, mending the tears he made as he ripped through and strengthening the barricade in between their sessions.
Severus took a deep breath, focused his attack, and punched through the barrier, moving forward swiftly through the hole he had made before it could start to seal itself again. Immediately, his surroundings, indeed, the very air around him were saturated with so much fear and anxiety that it was almost impossible not to panic. Fighting to remain calm, he moved forward cautiously.
No no go away leave
The whisper filled the air around him.
Leave leave please no no NO
Severus pressed forward, past a few familiar memories that he had already probed until he found himself in a new area where the memories were so twisted and tangled together that he could barely make out where one memory ended and another started. Here, his surroundings were suffused with a feeling of disgust so deep and profound that he could almost taste it on the air. Severus paused just long enough to take a deep, steadying breath, before he pushed through into the closest memory. He found himself in a familiar small bedroom where a tiny girl was pressed into a corner, sobbing silently into her hands while a short, paunchy man towered over her, his distorted shouts echoing around them. His stomach contracted slightly as he saw the bloodied belt in the man's hands and the bright, lived wheals already blossoming on the child's bare back and shoulders.
Stop please stop I can't do this anymore I don't want this
Severus felt the air around him contracting slightly and knew he had less than three seconds before he would be forced out of the memory. Swiftly, he retreated, backing out through the nearest wall and ending up almost back where he started – it was the same room, only in this memory the girl was lying face down on the bed, trembling, while the same man leaned over her, struggling to undo the flies of his trousers.
Feeling slightly nauseous, Severus withdrew, finally finding himself outside these particular memories once more. Cautiously, he pushed onwards, until he found himself in an area where the very air that he breathed seemed to be suffused with pain and failure.
You will protect us during the coming battle. You will give your life towards the cause. You will sacrifice yourself for this.
Strangely, there was no vision associated with this memory – just the familiar, high, cold voice of Lord Voldemort that seemed to emanate from the very air around him, filling the darkness and somehow filling every corner of his own mind as well as the girl's. A feeling of hopelessness started to seep up around him and he shuddered slightly.
I've failed. I've failed. I've failed.
Without warning, the air around him seemed to contract and Severus found himself falling upwards through the darkness. Tansy Laverstock's memories swirled around him as he tumbled upwards, head over heals, with an almost unstoppable force. This had happened before and Severus knew that if he didn't manage to stop then he would be thrown right out of her mind and he would have to begin all over again. Throwing out a hand, he clawed at the surrounding thoughts although it took him several attempts before he managed to grab hold of something that halted his frenzied fall. Panting slightly, Severus righted himself, worked out which way was up, and then pulled himself through the barrier and into the memory.
Severus immediately recognised his surroundings – he was in Tansy Laverstock's bedroom in the small flat belonging to the headmistress. The girl was sitting on the floor over by the window, tucked down behind the carved, wooden crib, with her back pressed against the wall and her knees drawn up into her chest as she rocked gently back and forth. Bitter feelings of shame and self-loathing permeated the air around him. As Severus watched, the girl grabbed hold of her own head, shaking it violently, almost ripping out her hair in her distress.
It's not enough. I need it. I need it now.
Anticipation and despair swirled around him. With a sense of purpose, Tansy Laverstock got swiftly to her feet and crossed over to small bathroom. As Severus watched, she reached behind the mirror and withdrew something from where she'd hidden it behind the smooth glass. Then she sank down on the closed toilet lid and began to roll up her sleeve.
GET OUT
Without warning, Severus jerked backwards out of the girl's memory and out of her mind entirely, slamming forcefully against the back of his chair with a brute force that sent him reeling. He blinked a few times, his vision blurring slightly at the shear force of his exit. It took him a few seconds to catch his breath again. Then he focussed on the young witch in the chair opposite him, one glance taking in her closed eyes and her violent trembling. He leaned forward.
'Miss Laverstock?' He began, trying to keep his voice gentle. It came out like an oil slick and he shuddered at himself and tried again. 'Miss Laverstock, what was that last memory?' Without opening her eyes, the girl shook her head numbly. She appeared to be trying very hard to keep her breathing under control, a fact which did not go unnoticed to Severus – he had seen Tansy Laverstock struggling to remain in control of herself on many past occasions. 'That last memory, the one in your bedroom?' He tried again. This time, he received no response at all.
Inwardly, Severus sighed deeply; he knew in his heart what he had just witnessed.
'Miss Laverstock?' He leaned even further forward. 'Would you role up your sleeves for me please?' Her eyes flew open and she seemed to freeze in her chair at his words; even her tremors stilled and she appeared to stop breathing completely. Severus didn't need Legilimency to read the undisguised fear and panic in her eyes.
There was a part of him that knew he should stop now and fetch Minerva but he quelled the thought and reached forward, twitching up her sleeve. Her arm was thin and pale and perfect in the torchlight. He stared at it, his apprehension growing – there was something very very wrong here. It took him several seconds before he realised why he felt so uneasy.
'Ah, Miss Laverstock, I didn't realise that you had such a talent for glamour charms.' He found himself saying softly as he twitched up her other sleeve, revealing the perfectly unblemished skin beneath. He hoped that it would be a simple one; if the girl had used Transfiguration then he didn't have a hope – by the time she had reached her third year, he had already been unable to undo her spells. 'Which one did you use?' He looked up at her, realising that she had shut her eyes again, her breathing shallow and erratic. 'Which one, Miss Laverstock?' He tried again. When there was no response, he tapped his wand gently on each of her arms in turn, thinking the counter jinx that would undo the majority of glamour charms.
Relief filled him when it worked but Severus kept his face carefully blank. Then, without saying a word, he got up and went through his bedroom and into his bathroom, returning seconds later with a small bottle of dittany and a soft cloth. Without asking permission, he began to use them. Several minutes later, he leaned back.
'Is that it, Miss Laverstock? Are there any more that I can't see?' Somewhere along the line she had opened her eyes and she now stared at him, her eyes containing more pain and sadness than he'd ever seen before. Almost imperceptivity she shook her head. 'Which is it?' He asked, still trying to keep his voice gentle. 'Are there any more?' When she shook her head again, he thought she was telling the truth.
They stared at each other in silence for what felt like a long time. Then the girl dropped her eyes to her hands and shook her arms so that her sleeves fell back down, covering the new scars.
'I'm sorry, Professor.' Her voice was so faint he almost missed it entirely.
'Miss Laverstock,' he began. Then he shook his head, completely at a loss for words.
'It's the only way that I can fight the fog.' Her candour came out in a sigh and suddenly Severus found that he did have words.
'I'm not judging you child,' he muttered. Then he shook himself – Tansy Laverstock was not a child, not any longer. Sometimes her size and her vulnerability made him forget this fact. 'Look at me please.' It took her three attempts but she finally did as he asked. 'I've seen much of what you have gone through. I understand why you might have need of a physical outlet for the psychological trauma that you are going through as you relive these memories.' He winced. 'That aside, Miss Laverstock, this stops now.'
'No!' Her voice was louder and he jerked back in surprise as she jumped to her feet.
'Tansy?' He asked, using her first name, almost without thinking. He jumped to his feet too.
'It's the only defence I have! I'm sorry I can't… it's not…' Her voice was turning shrill, her breathing harsh and irregular like it had been that day in the hospital wing. 'It's not like before! I'm not trying to die! Can't you see the difference? I just want to feel something other than this… this pressure… I just want the fog to go away… I want to live!' Severus was too stunned to stop her as she ran over to the door, yanked it open and ran out into the darkened corridor beyond.
I'm back! I wonder if I have any readers left. I'm so sorry for the year of absence. I was very very ill for the first six months of last year but once I had surgery and started to get well again there's really been no excuse for the last few months. Merry Christmas, and I promise to try and finish this story over the next year – we are so close to the end now and the happily ever after Tansy deserves.