AN: Hello again. Don't mind me. Just playing around with the formatting of my chapters. Also, funny story, I wanted to wait until Wednesday to publish this chapter. But due to unforeseen editing problems, you guys get it a day early. I'd take it down and wait until Wednesday if I knew how, but I don't, so...enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Minecraft. If I did, there would be craftable audio book.

Chapter 5

Learning Curve

I tentatively examined the leather bound tome. The back cover was partially torn and the yellowed pages were loosely held within the binding. This book had clearly withstood the test of time and even someone like me, who hated reading and books, could appreciate the value of such an ancient text. Most likely imparting thousands –No, MILLIONS of people with the knowledge to set off into this vast wilderness and brave the dangerous creatures that besiege…

"[How to Kill Stuff for Numb Nuts]" I read the title aloud. Immediately, all my expectations for this text were flung away from me and I barely restrained myself from doing the same to the book.

This better not be another one of Helena's sick jokes because I don't think I can survive another Mob attack as I am now. I opened the book and noticed a smudged signature on the bottom left corner of the first page. Her-Heroine? Must be the author. Hoo-kay, Chapter One. I turned the page and began reading.

This book is written for the sole purpose of instructing future Crafters on the monsters that swarm this plane. Many variations of these monsters or "Mobs" have been witnessed throughout my travels, but among them, four are noted to be more common than the rest. Zombies, Skeletons, Spiders, and Creepers. Each chapter will detail how to identify these creatures as well as noteworthy tips and stratagems to slaying them. Each chapter will also include a dumbed-down version for the more thickheaded of Crafters.

It's like the author knows me so well! I flipped through the pages and noted how the 'intellectual' description of how to fight these Mobs had a bunch of five and six syllable words. Jeez did the author have a dictionary with her or something? I don't even know what half of these words mean!

I skipped to the dumbed-down version of the Zombie chapter and felt relief wash over me. The section only had a maximum of four syllable words. Not only that I feel stupid for reading the 'numb nuts' section to retain any information, but I felt stupid for ACTUALLY learning something from the dumbed-down version.

ZOMBIE

Description: Sickly green skin, torn light blue shirt, torn blue jeans, black eyes, makes the "UHNNN" sound. Arms always out.

Tips: Zombies are slow, but will try and kill you if you get too close. A Zombie can deal up to 2 hearts of damage and has 10 hearts of health. When facing more than one Zombie, avoid getting cornered and retreat to a better fight spot unless suitably geared.

Preaching to the choir on that one.

On rare occasions, Zombies have been sighted with armor and weapons of their own. These Zombies are stronger than the standard types. In addition, some Zombies are of smaller size. Do not let their short stature fool you. These Zombies are just as powerful as the adults and move at a greater speed making them hard to hit.

Zombies are known to target and kill Testificates in addition to Crafters. With no method of defense, Tesitificates can only run and hide from these Mobs. Wooden doors are no match for a Zombie's natural strength and, worse, some Testificates can be tainted and converted into Zombies. As there has yet to be an incident involving tainted Crafters, it is assumed that Crafters are immune to Zombie transformation.

Weakness: Long range-weaponry, sunlight, Smite, splash potion of healing.

No wonder I was outmatched, I was using short-ranged sword attacks. But what's 'Smite' mean? And what the hell is a splash potion? Gah! All these things are making my brain smoke.

I heard shuffling behind me and turned to see Helena running towards me with some food in hand.

"Hope you like carrots!"

I didn't. They tasted of dirt and sadness. But food was food.

"Yaaaaay." I cried unenthusiastically as I accepted some carrots. "Thanks. Hey, I was reading the section on Zombies…and I was wondering what 'Smite' is? The book says it's strong against Zombies."

Helena frowned for a moment in concentration while I ate my carrots in silence. Full Hunger Meter.

"I'm afraid I haven't heard of anything like that." She answered sadly. "Perhaps it's a special technique that works well against Zombies?"

"Hmm, Smite….Smite…" I skimmed through the book in search of that word, but only found it in a similar list of weaknesses for Skeletons.

SKELETON

Description: Pale, white, skeletal frame. No existing flesh. Empty eye sockets. Commonly holding a bow. Distinct rattling sound emanating from ribcage.

Tips: Skeletons are expert archers, but lack physical strength. In a fight against a Skeleton, distance is your enemy. With unlimited arrows and a max damage of 2 and a half hearts per arrow, Skeletons need to be dealt with quickly at close range. Their max health is at 10 hearts.

Fighting a crowd of Skeletons is dangerous as their barrage of arrows can confuse and buffet even the most skilled of Crafters. And like Zombies, Skeletons can use armor and weapons. However, that means they share many of the same weaknesses too.

Weakness: Short-range weaponry, sunlight, Smite, Splash Potion of Healing.

Great. They sound like more trouble than the Zombies. Still nothing on the Smite technique…and how is anything of HEALING supposed to kill one of these Mobs.

"Where did you get this book from anyway? Who's…uh…" I flip to the first page again to look at the name. "Heroine. Who's Heroine?"

"That's Herobrine not Heroine. And I got that book from…him." Helena let out a dreamy sigh at that last word.

…Ok.

"Her-ob-rin-e?" It's not my fault the signature was smudged. Or that Heroine is a much more natural word than Herobrine. Seriously, how do you even pronounce something like that? "Could you pronounce that again?"

"He-ro-brine!" Helena punctuated each syllable with a clap and finished with another dreamy sigh. "He's my hero."

"…Brine." I quipped.

"What was that?" Helena asked a bit angrily.

"Nothing. So…who was he?" I asked half interested, half willing to steer the conversation away from my joke.

"He was…IS…one of the greatest Crafters in Minecraftia." Helena began, adopting a reminiscent expression as she looked towards the sky. By now the sun had started to rise from what could only be the East according to my sense of normalcy. "He was the First."

"First to what?"

"To be." She stated simply.

"Wha?"

"Yes. 500 years ago the First 100 appeared at this spot," she gestured to the Origin "But among them, Herobrine was the first, followed shortly by Notch, then Tanner, Zipshin, Ferriday…"

"Ok, information overload." I waved my arms in front of me to stop her name listing. "There is no way I am going to remember all those names. They're way too ridiculous. I mean, Zipshin? What, was Zippo and Keith taken?"

"Name's aside," Helena continued with an irritated scowl, "they were skilled. They learned of Crafting and developed weapons to fight off Mobs. I'll never forget the night they came to my village and saved me from those Zombies." Helena's scowl quickly transformed into that same dreamy expression she got whenever she talked about Herobrine.

I think she's gonna talk about Herobrine again.

"Herobrine carved through a crowd of Zombies like a boat through water." Yep, there she goes again. "His strikes were a flurry of flashes and stabs. His iron clad figure was gleaming in the sunlight…"

"I thought you said it was nighttime."

"It was a sunny night, ok!?" She bawled. "Now don't interrupt my story!"

"Ok, sheesh." I relented as I resumed scanning the tome, only half-listening to the rest of her story. Still nothing on Smite.

"Now where was I?...Oh, right! His armor was gleaming in the sunlight. And after several more sword strokes, the fight was over. Then, he noticed my cowering figure inside the blacksmith's." Helena paused for dramatic effect even though I wasn't that interested. "He walked over to the blacksmith's, opened the door, and approached me. Then, he stooped down and said, in a whisper,…"

"'I need to use the potty.'" I interrupted before busting out in laughter. Even as Helena blushed and started punching my back in anger, I continued to laugh.

"Noooooo! SHUT. UP. He said, 'It's safe now. You're safe.'" Helena finished heatedly.

"Great story, but I think you left out the part where he carries you bridal style while riding his noble steed off into the sunset." I added with a chuckle.

"That didn't happen!...but that's good for the next time I tell it." Helena added quietly.

Sheesh, if she loves this guy so much why not just marry…oh shoot! The dreamy expressions. The blushing. The reverent fervor. The writing was on the walls all along! She's got the hots for this guy!

"You have the hots for this guy!" I exclaimed, turning to face her.

"WHAT!? NO…I…what I feel is solely adorati-ADMIRATION! Admiration is all I feel towards that beautif-FULL OF…SKILL and…COOLNESS and…he's my hero! That's all!" She stammered out.

"Yeah, right. I may have no experience in love, but something's telling me that you like him more than you say you do." I accused pointedly. "You know, you don't have to be so defensive about what you feel. You have the right to feel however you want to feel, and it's not like I'm in a position to judge you when I can't even make a stick."

"Well…I suppose…I feel a bit more for him than I previously stated." She began tentatively. "But it doesn't matter. I haven't seen him since that night."

"Then, how did you end up in a house by the Origin. Especially since blocks can't be placed here." As if to prove my point, I was trying to place a block of dirt in front of me to no avail.

"Well, another man was with Herobrine when he rescued me. Notch, the Second, saw that my village was ruined beyond repair and decided to take me to the Origin for safety. Along with several other of the First 100 Crafters, he built the Origin's platform and my house before sealing the entire Origin Zone in a protective force." Helena pointed towards the platform, and I followed her finger to see a small block several meters (whatever a meter was) above the Origin. "That block is the source of the protective seal."

"What?" I turned and stared incredulously at her. "That one block is keeping those Zombies from munching our faces?" I gestured to the Zombies who were set ablaze in the glow of the sunlight. "Ha! BURN, ASSHOLES! BURN!"

"Yes. I don't know how, but it does. In exchange, Notch asked me to remain here and count the Crafters as they come into existence. He also entrusted me with an important mission."

"Oh?" I turned my attention back to Helena. "What kind of mission?"

"Nothing that concerns you, believe me." Helena stated before sitting down beside me. "They all left soon after. And that book…is the one thing I have to remember Herobrine by."

Oh. She looks sad now. Guess I shouldn't have asked about her back-story. I probably shouldn't take this book either if it's all she has to remember that guy by. I flipped to the next Mob, eager to learn everything I could from the book before returning it to Helena.

SPIDER

Description: Black, eight-legged, red eyes, large. Makes a short hissing sound.

Tips: Spiders are the least dangerous of the four main Mobs. They are hostile only in dark places, at night, or when attacked first. Their attacks are weak, at 1 and a half hearts per attack, and their max health is low at 8 hearts. Spiders make up for their weakness in terms of agility. They are able to climb up vertical walls, making standard defenses useless. However, they are unable to use tools as other Mobs do.

Furthermore, a variant of Spiders known as Cave Spiders have been sited. Although smaller in size, the Cave Spiders make up for their deadliness in lethal poison. Drink milk to cure yourself of harmful poison before it weakens you to the point of near death.

Weakness: Any type of attack, fire, Bane of Arthropods, Splash Potion of Harming.

Ugh, more terminology I can't understand! What's an Arthropod? And there's another splash potion! At least that one makes sense to harm the enemy. Maybe there was a typo for the Skeleton and Zombie sections. Yeah, the author just wrote 'Healing' instead of 'Harming.' After all, they ARE pretty similar in structure.

CREEPER

Hoo boy! Here we go. The big one.

Description: Green, four-legged, black eyes, no nose. Makes a *sssssSSSSSSSS…BOOM!* noise.

Tips: Of all the known Mobs, the Creeper is the most devastating. Capable of 24 and a half hearts of max damage with a max health of 10 hearts, a single Creeper can kill even the most seasoned of Crafters. A Creeper will stalk a Crafter silently until within range. Once close enough, the Creeper will begin to detonate and expand while flashing white. Once this stage is reached, A Crafter has 30 Ticks (or 1.5 seconds) to escape a Creeper's range before it explodes. The suicidal tendencies of Creepers make them deadly.

Furthermore, Creepers can serve as bombs to weaken a Crafter's base and defenses, allowing more Mobs to enter.

It has been noted that blocking a Creeper's explosion with a sword can reduce the damage drastically. Another method of reducing Creeper damage is fighting in water, as the explosion will not spread as well.

When fighting a Creeper one-on-one, a common strategy is to hit and then retreat (Scorpion Strategy). However, when fighting more than one Creeper, run. Keep your distance and pick them off with a bow, just to be safe.

Weakness: Long-range weaponry, Knockback, Punch, Splash Potion of Harming.

Alright, so remember to keep my distance. Got it. But what's Knockback and Punch supposed to be. Gah! You'd think this guy would have left a footnote or something. Oh well.

I closed the book with a sigh and handed it back to Helena beside me. "Thanks. It was an…engaging read."

Helena gladly accepted the book. "Good to hear. Well, I've taught you all I can." Helena stood up and stretched her arms. "Now it's time for you to go out into the world and be the best Crafter you can be."

I got up right alongside Helena. "Huh?" I felt something in the pit of my stomach as I heard those words. "You mean,…this is goodbye?"

Helena looked at me awkwardly. "Well…yeah. You're a Crafter. You have the ability to survive out there." She gestured to the northern mountains. "Out there. It's a…dangerous place…a place I cannot hope to survive…but you can."

I looked out towards the mountains. Something about them was calling to me. Maybe it was the unknown wilderness. Maybe it was madness after eating too many carrots. But a part of me really wanted to check the world out. To go forth and test my new knowledge and rough skills.

"Here's some more carrots…for the road." Helena offered softly as she handed me some carrots. My Hunger Meter was full and my Health Meter had joined it. Another meter that I hadn't paid much attention to until now, the Experience Meter, was nearly filled with green, but with the number 5 atop it.

"Thanks. I really appreciate all you've done Helena. Maybe I'll visit sometime." I suggest tentatively.

"*Sigh* That's what they all say, but they never do." She said to herself "Although, if you want to repay me for my kindness, do me a favor."

"Yeah?"

"Be a decent person." She patted me on the shoulder.

I smirked. "No promises. But, hey, I'll keep an eye out for your boy, Herobrine. I'll tell him his girlfriend is waiting." I ducked as Helena swung a half-hearted punch at me before running to the edge of the Origin Zone, packed and ready for adventure.

Well, I suppose North is as good a direction to travel as any.

[Helena]

I smiled and waved at him as he approached the dense tree line. A black and white speck in a sea of green, before being swallowed by the wilderness.

"He won't last a week." I stated matter-of-factly. "Too bad he wasn't the Billionth."

"Um, pardon me miss." I heard from behind me. I whirled around to see a black-haired man dressed in a fine black suit and white collared shirt. He had a red tie on and wore dark dress pants. His eyes were royal blue, and above his head was the name 'Nowhere_Man.' I'm dreadfully sorry to bother you, but I was hoping you could inform me of my present location."

"Did you…just appear by that stone structure over there?" I pointed to the Origin and he followed my finger before nodding.

"Oh, yes, yes. I'm not sure HOW I ended up there. I was previously stranded in a wasteland of darkness and fear. It was quite dreadful to say the least."

"Well dread no longer my friend!" I exclaimed throwing a hand over the man's shoulder. "Because you're Mr. One Billion. And now I can fulfill my long awaited mission." I began dragging the man over to my house.

"One Billion? Mission?" The man listed confused as we entered my humble abode. "I'm sorry, but I don't quite understand."

"I'll explain later." I assured gently as I rummaged through a chest. "But first, a great man asked me to give the Billionth Crafter this powerful diamond armor." I extricated the armor and tossed it to the wide-eyed man.

"This…this can't really be made of diamonds, can it?" He asked half skeptical, half hopeful.

"Hell yeah, it can! It also has some special properties or something. Also here's…100 emeralds…a diamond sword, also with special properties…a stack of juicy steak…" I began tossing all the loot I had stored for 500 years per Notch's request to be given to the Billionth. The guy looked flabbergasted as he tried to catch all the stuff.

Whatever mission Notch intended for the Billionth to do was written in a book at the very bottom of the chest. With all the loot that was reserved, the mission was probably a doozy.

One thing's for sure…this guy is one lucky bastard.

Inventory: 5 Carrots, 1 Oak Wood Plank, 1 Wooden Sword, 1 Wooden Axe, 5 Sticks, 6 Oak Wood Slabs, 1 Wooden Pressure Plate, 1 Wooden Button, 1 Clock, 7 Dirt, 1 Crafting Table, 15 Rotten Flesh, 1 Emerald

AN: Finally, got Cobb out of the Origin Zone. And it only took...five...chapters. Hopefully, the combination of my personal brand of humor and suspenseful writing will keep people reading.

I'm not worried...*gulp*

Also, just throwing it out there, Cobb has brown hair, green eyes, and the worst luck.