AN: Hey. I'm late. Moving on.
Puzzle: What goes up a chimney down, but can't come down a chimney up.
Disclaimer: I don't own Minecraft. If I did, I'd add brooms.
Beta: Void of Shining Darkness
Chapter 48
Stealers, Keepers
"Ugh!"
To say that Noman's plan to secure the Voda Shlem had 'gone off the rails' would be an understatement.
"Agh!"
More appropriately, the plan had gone off the rails, caught fire, and was sent crashing into a nearby cat shelter. Dozens of lovable, metaphorical felines must have been screaming in agony at that very moment. Because, not only did Noman not have the Voda Shlem. He had also angered a Lieutenant of the Endward Cult and was currently getting the crap kicked out of him.
"Guh!"
Noman was sent sliding across the floor and into the hallway by the Lieutenant who was currently idly flipping his dagger in the air before catching it.
Noman tried to get to his feet, but found himself too weakened to stand. The Weakness Potion the Lieutenant—or rather Leadstripe—had splashed him with was too draining. Fighting the cultists had been hard enough before, but now it was downright impossible.
"You…you're a Lieutenant?" Noman coughed out as he nursed his bruised side. His Health wasn't regenerating fast enough to heal his wounds. "What…why are you—?"
"Trying to stall me with a conversation again? I think not." Leadstripe pounced upon Noman, his dagger sinking into the Billionth's forearm.
Noman had no choice. He reached to his belt and devoured a Notch Apple, feeling its revitalizing effects, before Leadstripe could finish him off. "Just…wait a moment—!"
"You can wait when you're dead." Noman had to bring up his arms in a sloppy guard while Leadstripe continued to pummel and slash at him. The Notch Apples were truly impressive with their regeneration capabilities. But looking at the counters on his arms, he knew the effects wouldn't last.
Where was Marble when he needed him?
"Sneak attack!"
As Marble dove from the bedroom to make another tackle, Leadstripe effortlessly dodged before driving a fist into the Scout's side. Then he pinned him down with his foot.
"Don't think I've forgotten about you, Scout."
Marble coughed. "I was kinda hoping you did…"
Leadstripe raised his dagger. "I hear you Scouts are all about badges. Well prepare to earn your Killed in Action Badge."
"What, you think there's a badge for everything?" Marble questioned with disgust. "I'm insulted."
"…Okay?" Leadstripe raised his dagger higher to deliver the finishing blow.
"Wait!"
Leadstripe turned at the exclamation, dagger still poised to end Marble, to see Noman holding the Looting Sword in the air.
"If you kill him…then you lose this sword!" The Billionth threatened, raising the sword even higher.
Leadstripe still had the Skeleton Head on, so reading his expression was impossible. But Noman was certain that the Lieutenant needed the sword. He had left the auction right after the sword was sold to Lord Rogers. And the first demand he made after losing the sword was for Noman to return it. The Billionth may not have known what he needed it for, but that was irrelevant.
Leadstripe seemed to be listening though. "Are you proposing a trade? The sword for this Scout's life?"
"Y-yes!" Noman really hadn't been thinking of a trade. The sword thing was more a spur of the moment than a calculated plan to save Marble's life. After all, there was nothing keeping Leadstripe from killing the Scout and then killing a weakened Noman.
"And what if I just kill him, then you, then take the sword for myself?"
"Then…I'll…uh…"
"He'll burn it!" Marble supplied helpfully before taking the flint and steel from his belt and sliding it across the floor to Noman's feet. The Billionth quickly picked it up before lighting a fire and holding the Looting Sword over it.
"Yes! I'll burn it!" Noman clarified pointlessly.
Leadstripe kept silent, his Skeleton Head a brick wall concealing his true emotions, before he lifted his foot off Marble and let the Scout crawl away.
Noman's eyes widened at this action. He never thought Leadstripe would comply. He must have really wanted the Looting Sword.
And now, Noman had full control over the situation.
Leadstripe let out an aggravated sigh. "I was hoping I could kill the two of you with my little surprise. You were too trusting of me, so I was sure I could stab you in the back. Now I've jeopardized my identity." He took off his Skeleton Head as he said this. "This mask is useless now." He tossed it aside like trash.
"Why did you need the mask in the first place?" Noman couldn't help but ask as he still held the sword. He expected Leadstripe to demand the sword first before letting Marble go.
"The Lieutenants and Executives are the authority of the Endward Cult." Leadstripe explained while redressing in his purple-dyed leather armor. Noman saw nothing suspicious about a change in wardrobe, so he allowed it. "What remains of our secret identities must stay discreet. So missions like this don't arouse suspicion."
"And who are the other Lieutenants and Executives?"
Leadstripe smiled smugly. "I don't feel like selling out my master, or my comrades."
"Well, if you want your sword back in one non-smoldering piece you better start answering." Marble threatened.
"So who's your master? And what does he intend to do with this sword?" Noman chimed in.
"The answers, as well as your deaths, will all come in good time." Leadstripe threatened lowly. "But first…" He sucked in a large gulp of air before shouting out, "HELP! CULTISTS!"
Noman and Marble flinched at the Lieutenant's exclamation, but otherwise shared confused looks. "What was that—?"
"I think I heard something this way!" Several guards ran into the hallway, no doubt attracted to the noise, and stumbled upon a scene of three Crafters with one of them holding the stolen Looting Sword.
"Stop them!" Leadstripe pointed at Noman and Marble. "Those cultists are trying to steal the Looting Sword!"
"Huh?" Noman barely had the time to question before he was tackled by the guards and wrestled to the floor. The Looting Sword was knocked from his hands where it skittered across the floor. "Wait, stop! He's lying!"
"Save it for prison, you cultists!" The other guards had tackled Marble in a similar way, completely ignoring Leadstripe who scooped up the sword before chucking his Ender Pearl out the window.
"You numbskulls!" Marble shouted while pointing towards the window. "He's making off with the sword right now!"
"Huh?" By the time the guards realized Leadstripe had taken the sword, he was already chuckling amusedly to himself.
"Useful to the very end. A second identity is truly a wonderful thing."
The guards moved to tackle him, but just as he was standing there one minute, he was gone the next. Teleported away in an instant.
Just like that, the Lieutenant had escaped with the Looting Sword.
"God Damnit!"
"Language!"
"Considering the unexpected ambush, we were lucky to suffer so little casualties." A guard spoke to Lord Maplefrost. The Lord was currently being flanked by several armored guards. "Things could have been a lot worse."
"Nobody cares about how many of you guards were lost!" Maplefrost exclaimed with folded arms. "The bigger concern are the Lords and Ladies killed in the attack. I bet that's what the Cult was going for." Maplefrost looked over the surviving guests, all of whom were rounded up outside his mansion. "Twenty-one of the twenty-two Family Heads were present at this auction. Not only were Lords Rogers and Oppenheimer killed, but so were Lords Remington and - *snicker* - Turdfellow."
"That's…terrible, sir." The guard spoke somberly.
"Yeah, it is! Just think of my reputation!" Maplefrost swooned dramatically. "At a party I hosted, several Family Heads and council members die! I'm ruined! Nobody will want to come to my auctions anymore!"
"Er…sir?" The guard spoke awkwardly. "I was referring to the loss of council members and human life."
"Oh…yeah…so was I…" Maplefrost rubbed his chin in thought. "The council will have four empty seats. At least until their Families elect a new Head."
"Excuse me, Lord Maplefrost." Noman rushed up to the Lord with Marble in tow.
"Oh, what is it now?" The Lord grumbled in annoyance before his eyes brightened. "Well, if it isn't Marble, my little good luck charm in the sheep races. Glad to see you didn't get killed by those cultists." Marble smiled in response while the Lord's eyes slid over to Noman. "And you are?"
"Um…I'm a member of the…Winger…Nut…" Noman attempted before trailing off.
"The Winger-Nut-Cornhaven-Baron-Humdinger Family?"
"Yes! That one."
"I thought they were on holiday at Oak Docks?" The guard beside Maplefrost spoke up.
"They are." Noman interjected. "But they left me here to bid for the Voda Shlem. Which is what I came to ask about. See, my friend here," Noman pushed Marble in front of the Lord, "Outbid for the helmet. So I was wondering…since he bid for it fair and square…and the Endward Cult threat has subsided—"
The Lord held up a hand to stop the Billionth's explanation. "I'm terribly sorry, Lord…Nowhere? Odd name but better than Turdfellow, I suppose. Anyway, with the recent attack and the fallen council members, I have too much to worry about without throwing in the remaining auction items. While I hate to pass on a three-hundred emerald bid, I'm afraid you'll have to wait until my next auction to bid for it."
"And when will that be?" Noman's spirits fell a bit, but he tried to remain optimistic. "A week? A month?"
"Three years." Noman's spirits plummeted. "And that's only if my reputation for security stands. I wouldn't get my hopes up. Now if you two will excuse me…"
The Lord and his guard left to check on the remaining guests and preserve what little sympathetic public image he had left. Meanwhile, Noman sunk to his knees.
"It's over." He mumbled sadly. "That was my only chance…"
"That sounds like quitter talk to me." Marble picked the Billionth up by his collar. "So you might have to wait three years. It's not like the helmet is going anywhere."
Noman shook his head. "No. You don't understand. I'm going to lose it."
"What do you mean by that?"
Noman sighed before withdrawing a book from his Inventory and turning a few pages. "My chestplate and the Voda Shlem. They're both artifacts—or rather they were both made by the same person."
"So?"
When Noman found the proper page, he showed it to the Scout. "There's nine artifacts though. And here's another one of them."
[Yanhua Gong]
A simple yet destructive tool. One best suited for the warring Kingdom of Exter. The command block for this tool was a bit difficult.
The weapon has the following effects:
-Infinity Enchantment. Unlimited arrows
-Each arrow fired will spawn four primed blocks of TNT at the point of impact. Whether block or Crafter
Appearance: A regular bow with the name Yanhua Gong.
This is the King of all siege weapons. Buildings and walls are nothing to this weapons destructive power. It the right hands, it can reduce a fortress to rubble in mere minutes.
I wanted to add a fireworks trail to the arrow, just to make it flashier, but I lacked the proper command knowledge to make such an effect. So I settled.
Weakness: Since the explosion is from TNT, blast resistance blocks like obsidian or bedrock won't be destroyed. But stone, wood, grass, sand, gravel, glass, diamond, iron, etc. will be a different story.
Since it has the Infinity Enchantment, the bow is useless if the wielder lacks any arrows. Thorns and Blast Resistance might help in countering the wielder, but without them, evasion is the best course of action.
Location: Exter
"Okay. It's a badass bow—sorry—it's an awesome bow. But so what?"
"Ciro had that bow." Noman whispered while stashing the book back in his Inventory.
Marble's eyes widened. "You mean that guy in the red leather suit and the weird mismatched eyes?"
Noman nodded. "I saw him fire a bow that exploded on impact. Plus, he killed Lord Turdfellow and almost let me get shot with arrows."
"So, what, he was taking out the Voda Shlem's competion?" The Scout looked around at the guests muttering to themselves or asking to leave. "I don't see him anywere…you don't think he went to steal the Voda Shlem?"
"That's exactly what I think." Noman sighed dejectedly. "With the head start he's got, he probably already found out where Maplefrost stashed the thing and is planning his getaway."
"Well then we gotta grab it first." Marble was already pulling Noman towards the mansion. "We'll take it before Ciro can."
"Marble, we can't do that."
"What are you talking about? Of course we can! How else am I going to get my Help Save the World Badge if—"
"No. Forget the badges." Marble looked aghast that Noman had even suggested something like that. "What I mean is, we can't steal. Stealing is wrong. Don't you have morals?"
"I did…but then I had to toss them for my Haywire Moral Compass Badge."
"Of course." The Billionth rolled his eyes.
"Look, Nowhere." The Scout gripped Noman's shoulders and looked him dead in the eyes. "Scouts have to be uncompromising and stubborn to get badges. Like a boulder weathering a mighty river."
"But I'm not a Scout—"
"Well I am! And I want that badge. I'm just a few short of breaking a thousand." Marble was shaking Noman desperately. "Come on, please! I can even get my Robinhood Badge if we steal from the wealthy and give to the poor. The poor being you."
"I'm not poor!" Noman protested.
"Well, you did give me all your emeralds," Marble held the gems tantalizingly in his hands, "so technically you are poor. So it fulfills the requirements."
Noman was about to make another protest, but stopped himself. He needed to think this over.
True, it was bad to steal from people. However, he wouldn't be stealing for personal gain. He needed Herobrine's artifacts to combat the Endward Cult, for the greater good of all Crafters. If those Lieutenants and Executives were as strong and clever as Leadstripe, he'd need every advantage he could get.
Noman couldn't help but wonder if that was Ciro's thought process when he slaughtered Lord Turdfellow and watched as the Billionth was almost turned into a pincushion. Was he doing wrong things for the right reasons?
And that look he gave…after he saw the Severe Shield in action. That combined with his possession of the Yanhua Gong made it seem like he knew more about the artifacts than most Crafters.
Was it right to steal? If it was to save the world?
Was it right to do anything you wanted if it meant saving the world?
…
"…Okay." Noman relented. "Okay. We'll…steal it before Ciro can."
"Yes!" Marble cheered.
"But we should probably leave the three-hundred emeralds we bid for it."
"No!" Marble whined as the two moved to the side to sneak into the mansion. "That's not even stealing! That's fake stealing!"
"Why don't you shout that out, Marble?" Noman quipped sarcastically. "I think some of the guards and guests didn't hear you."
"I SAID, 'THAT"S NOT EVEN—MMPH!"
Noman quickly slapped a hand to his mouth, ignoring the questioning stares directed at them by the guards and guests.
Maybe I should rethink my theft partner?
"Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na dah-da-dah-da-dah dah-dah bah-da-dah-dah."
"Keep it down, Marble." Noman hissed as the two stuck to the shadows in the mansion. Noman's black suit was keeping him camouflaged, but Marble was wearing mostly lavender and white. Plus he was still humming his own absurd theme music.
"Hey, who's the one that's infiltrated places before? Who has all the experience?"
"Oh…right." Noman looked ashamed as he bowed. "Sorry."
"Apology accepted. Now as I was saying...Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na dah-da-dah-da-dah dah-dah bah-da-dah-dah. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na dah-da-dah-da-dah dah-dah bah-da-dah-dah."
Noman was glad most of the guards were outside making sure the other guests were safe because he was certain that Marble's theme music would have aroused suspicion. The way it echoed off the mansion's halls.
The two had backtracked to where Noman had last seen Ciro: The hallway outside the dining room. Ciro had gone right, so they would too.
Still, even if Ciro had gone to steal the Voda Shlem, somebody would have seen him. There were so many cultists and guards and guests running around that avoiding them all was impossible.
So why wasn't he seen?
And how did he get that bow in the first place?
Noman was jostled from his thoughts when Marble pointed ahead towards a turn in the hallway. The shadows of two guards were splayed across the wall. They were about to turn the corner!
"Hide!" Noman hissed as the two concealed themselves behind some armored armor stands. They waited for the guards to pass before hurrying around the corner.
"Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na dah-da-dah-da-dah—"
Noman turned to the Scout. "Could you tone it down a little?"
"…Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na dah-da-dah-da-dah dah-dah bah-da-dah-dah." Marble hummed much softer than before.
The Billionth accepted the compromise as they continued their search. For what exactly…he didn't know. Maybe a vault or a safe or something. Something that could conceal precious belongings.
Because they had to be kept somewhere. Somewhere heavily guarded.
"Where would Maplefrost have kept the items for the auction?" Noman whispered aloud.
"And thing." Marble supplied.
"Right, and…thing?"
"Yeah, that green glob of goo known as Slimy." Marble clarified. "It was the thing nobody bid for, remember?"
"I guess it slipped my mind." He kind of had other things to worry about at the time. Cultists, artifacts, Ciro, friends who were really Lieutenants to death worshipping, mass-murdering cultists, not dying. He didn't have time to worry about a…a…
Wait a second.
"That Slimy thing was in a cage." Noman stated blandly.
"Yeah?"
"A cage that rose from the floor before sinking back into the floor."
Suddenly, Marble's eyes lit up. "Which means an auction item is held beneath the dining room. Perhaps with all the other auction items."
"Should we head back there to check?" Noman was already turning to backtrack but Marble's hand stopped him.
"That way was just for the cage to rise up. There must be another way down for guards or personnel. I say we look for the stairs, or better yet, make some stairs!" He withdrew a stone pick and raised it to break the floor.
Only this time, Noman's hand stopped him. "Maybe we should pick a less conspicuous place to dig. Like an empty room or closet instead of the middle of a hallway."
"Good thinking."
After finding a cliché broom closet—despite the fact that there were no brooms in Minecraftia—the two friends had begun to dig into the floor.
The first layer was that marble-like block that turned out to be [BLOCKS OF QUARTZ]. Then it was wood. Then dirt and stone. The two friends were at that layer for a while, working tirelessly with their respective stone and wood picks and occasionally snacking on Noman's supply of steak.
To pass the time, the two struck up an idle conversation.
"I tell ya, Dover Plains is going to be pretty furious at the Endward Cult for what they did." Marble commented while taking a bite out of a steak. "Did you see Lord Maplefrost's face? He was livid. And I'm sure the other Family Heads that survived aren't too pleased with their colleagues dying. Or the attempts on their lives."
"I don't think I understand." Dover Plains' politics was still confusing to him. "The Family Heads are the members of the council, right?"
"That's right." Marble wiped his hands on his snow-coat before getting back to work. "Twenty-two Families. Twenty-two Family Heads. Twenty-two mansions with property for faming and livestock. And twenty-two council members that decide the laws and regulations for the Kingdom."
Leadstripe's words about the Family hierarchy returned to Noman. "So, how does one become part of a Family?"
"That's usually up to the Family Heads to decide." Marble grunted in exertion as he cracked a particularly sturdy block of iron ore. "See, a 'Family' isn't the same as a family since, well, Crafters can't have children. Testificates can, but Crafters spawn whenever.
"I guess as a Dover Plains term, a Family could be likened to an adoption. A Family Head invites other Crafters to join their Family and help with the agricultural business. Usually it's to establish ties between trading companies or forge friendships and business deals. Kind of like shallow arranged marriages.
"The Family members maintain the Family property and gather behind the Family Head, which represents them on the council."
"So," Noman swung into the tough stone and flinched at the resistance, "when a Family Head dies…"
"They have to elect another one from the remaining Family members. Just like how Kings are elected for the Kingdoms. Exactly the same in fact." Marble chuckled to himself. "It's funny, how in trying to break away from their old King, Dover Plains used the same methods for electing their leaders. The only difference is instead of one King, there's twenty-two."
"So…if you're not part of a Family, there's no chance to becoming a council member?"
"Yep. But Dover Plains has done alright. Under this system they keep agricultural exports high and a lot of people happy. A pretty good deal all around."
Noman begged to differ. If their system only allowed Family members to rise to power, the population would feel underrepresented and powerless as a result.
Was that what Leadstripe was talking about?
"And the odd Family names?"
Marble chuckled. "Beats me. Maybe the original Family Head was named that and their descendants are simply keeping the name. I've seen a few Lords addressed as such, but with different names over their head. It's a feudal lord thing."
Noman was left to ponder as they continued digging down. Eventually, they hit something that wasn't stone or dirt.
But iron blocks.
"This looks like it." Marble withdrew a block of TNT and placed it on the iron. "You might want to step back a bit."
"What happened to being stealthy!?"
"Well my Dynamic Entry Badge was botched up back at Nana Widow's so this is the next best thing!" Marble was already raising his flint and steel. "Fire in the hole!"
Noman quickly scurried up the dirt and stone staircase they mined out as he heard the hiss of TNT below. A second later, Marble was right beside him. "Marble, if we die in this explosion, I just want you to know that deep down I consider you a reliable friend."
"Nowhere, the first time I saw you I mistakenly thought you were a girl and almost flirted with you!"
"WHAT!?"
"I'm sorry! You looked like a pretty girl in a suit! A flat pretty girl in a suit! That's a compliment. I just felt like now's the best time to confess and earn my Awkward Confession Badge—!"
*BOOM*
"AHHHHHHH!"
"Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na bah-ba-bah-ba-bah BADUM!"
Inventory (Noman): 1 Diamond Chestplate {Severe Shield}, 1 Diamond Sword [Sharpness I], 1 Bow [Infinity], 1 Wooden Pickaxe {Weak}, 1 Wooden Axe, 1 Crafting Table, 2 Oak Wood Planks, 1 Book {Notch Mission II}, 1 Book {Artifact List}, 1 Book {Citizenship Information}, 1 Paper {Entry Pass}, 1 Paper {Dover Plains Entry Pass}, 1 Map {Dover Plains}, 1 Arrow, 2 Glass Bottle, 24 Steaks, 7 Enchanted Golden Apples, 1 Leather Tunic [Dyed Blue], 1 Leather Pants [Dyed Blue], 1 Leather Boots [Dyed Blue], 2 Bones, 12 Rotten Flesh
[EXP: 0]
AN: Another Chapter bites the dust! And, as a matter of fact, it's been one year since I started this story! Happy Birthday 'My Craft' !
Neat! 48 Chapters in 52 Weeks...It's starting to get exhausting though. I can see why authors usually have more time for deadlines. It may be time for me to change up my update schedule...seeing as how I'm having more and more trouble meeting Wednesday's deadline.
But enough about that. This chapter was a bit more humor as well as a bit of - what's the word - exposition! I got a review about the Family hierarchy of Dover Plains and realized I hadn't really explained it. Hopefully, Marble's explanation cleared things up.
Lieutenant Leadstripe got away, but Noman has other things on his plate. Like Ciro_Che and his Yanhua Gong. Oh, and, Marble's there too.
I'm not sure how you guys are feeling about this Noman Arc, like if you're missing Cobb or not or if Noman and Marble are substantial enough characters to keep things interesting. But I feel like writing in third person is refreshing from how I usually write with Cobb. So I don't regret this.
And for Family names, Oppenheimer was given by Void of Shining Darkness.
And now...for the epic Finale of the Fifty Shades of Chicken saga...
Omake: Fifty Shades of Chicken (V: Finale)
"Many thanks, Cobbert." Lenz breathed a sigh of relief. "I was certain that Zombie would have doomed me were it not for your timely aid."
"Yeah, yeah. Great, great." Cobb dismissed. "Now I can finish my reading."
"Oh! Are you reading up on Herobrine's Mob book?"
"Uh…"
"Because I would not mind learning more about those monsters' weaknesses, myself."
"Well…look, I'm reading something else, alright?" Cobb argued. "It's a sophisticated book with three-dimensional characters, and an engaging plot."
"Really?" Lenz questioned, trying to get a better idea of the book his companion was reading. "Is it a real life story?"
"Well, the preface said it was..."
"Then, perhaps, can I read it with you?" Lenz suggested earnestly. "This could be one of those 'team bonding' occasions I have read so much about! Besides our mutual love of redstone, we do not have much in common."
"Yeah…mutual…" Cobb rubbed his head awkwardly. "Actually, I'd rather read it by myself."
"What? Why?"
"Because who the hell reads a book together? For team bonding?" He argued. "Reading isn't that kind of activity. Just…try bonding with the other guards."
Lenz looked down sadly. "I…I do not think they like me much. But I will try."
"You do that." Cobb nodded with a twinge of guilt. He'd interact with Lenz more…after he finished reading the epic tale he was overly invested in.
"Now, where was I…" Cobb opened the book to where he left off.
It would be a fight to the death. One in which the winner would decide Bryan's fate.
So Bryan watched, as a spectator, while his ex-girlfriend and his fiancé leaped at each other, fury burning in both of their eyes. And as their wings met in combat, Bryan was certain of one thing:
There is nothing more serious than this.
However, as epic as the fight no doubt was in Bryan's mind, it was actually quite subdued. Henifer would peck at Henrietta. Henrietta would run around Henifer, confusing her, before slapping her with a wing. Chickenfeed tactics.
If anyone else was watching, it would be impossible to tell the two enraged chickens apart.
So for the sake of making this tale as epic as possible, the fight will be told from Bryan's imaginative perspective.
Ahem…
Concealed within her wing, Henifer brandished a menacing buster blade ten times her size and leveled it at Henrietta. In response, Henrietta withdrew a crimson scythe with a razor sharp edge and flourished it as if accepting the Ex-girlfriend's challenge.
In a blur of movement, Henifer struck, splintering the ground where Henrietta would have been if she hadn't sidestepped away. Seeing an opening, Henrietta swung her scythe, leaving a trail of sparks where the scythe scraped across the ground.
Henifer's eyes widened in terror before she spun to dodge, the scythe barely grazing her beak. Enraged over her marred beauty, Henifer brought her wings together and weaved the proper hand signs before unleashing her dreaded Kung-Pao Fireball Chicken Jutsu. The flames seared the air around Henrietta, igniting the platform they were fighting on and lowering her Life Points to 2900.
"Bruck!" Henrietta squawked as she chucked her scythe at the Ex. The tool spun through the air before splintering in the fence post an inch to the left of Henifer. A miss. The edges of Henifer's beak tilted up smugly before the color drained from her face.
"Bruck, Bruck!" Henrietta called out as she threw out a pokeball. It opened, revealing her prized Gardevoir. "Bruck, Bruck Bruck!"
At her command, Gardevoir pooled a large amount of energy at her center, forming it into a pink sphere, before unleashing a Moonblast against Henifer. The Ex recoiled in pain, her Life Points dropping to 3000.
"Bock!" Henifer shouted, abandoning her blade in favor of a pokeball of her own. "Bock, Bock!" The pokeball left her hand, opening up to reveal her mighty Salamence. Immediately, Salamence's ability Intimidate activated, lowering Gardevoir's attack. "Bock, Bock!" She tapped a rainbow colored stone on her bracelet which resonated with her pokemon, causing it to glow a rainbow hue before revealing itself as the Mega evolved Mega Salamence!
"NO!" Bryan called out in horror while trying to keep from falling into lava. "Not Mega Salamence! It's like Salamence, but Mega!"
"Bock!" Henifer grinned viciously before commanding her pokemon. "Bock! Bock, Bock!"
Salamence immediately collected its vast energy from throughout its body and focused it into a dark purple aura at its head. Then, when it had amassed as much energy as it could, it launched the ball of purple aura into the air. When it was high enough, it exploded into a Draco Meteor shower.
"Henrietta!" Bryan called out helplessly, even as the Draco Meteor descended upon his fiancé. Gardevoir got between her and the attack to protect its trainer.
"Bock Bock Bock!" Henifer laughed triumphantly as her opponents were obscured by explosions and clouds of smoke.
And for a moment, Bryan thought she was gone.
However, as the dust cleared, both Gardevoir and Henrietta were unharmed, Life Points still at 2900.
"Bock!?" Henifer recoiled in surprise. "Bock Bock!?"
Henrietta smiled knowingly. "Bruck Bruck. Bruck. Bruck Bruck Bruck."
"Of course!" Bryan realized even as Henifer was taken aback. "Gardevoir isn't just a Psychic type. It's also one of those new-fangled Fairy types! Dragon type moves like Draco Meteor have no effect! Henifer must not have realized because she hasn't played pokemon since Generation 5!"
"Bruck Bruck." Henrietta smiled as Gardevoir stepped away from its trainer and unleashed another Moonblast. Being Super Effective against Dragon types like Salamence—er, Mega Salamence—the Moonblast devastated the pokemon, making it unable to battle and lowering Henifer's Life Points to 1500.
"Bock…Bock!" Henifer cried out defiantly as she once more picked up her buster blade and began to charge Henrietta recklessly. "BOCK BOCK BOCK!"
"Bruck." Henrietta shook her head sadly, nothing but pity in her voice at how the Ex had fallen, before she began to power up. Her eggshell-white feathers turned a brilliant gold while the feathers on her head spiked up as if charged with electricity. Her beady black eyes turned a light blue. Her muscles bulged, doubling in size and making her one ripped chicken.
Bryan gasped. "Henrietta! Since when could you turn into a Super Chicken? And if you could fight like this, how did you even get chicken-napped to the Chicken Factory in the first place?"
"BOCK!?" Henifer stumbled backwards, her attack forgotten upon Henrietta's shocking reveal.
After finally powering up, Henrietta packed her wings to the side, as if condensing all her energy into a single blast.
"B-Bock! Bock Bock…Bock!" Henifer tried to bargain, holding her hands up pleadingly. "Bock Bock—!"
"Bruck." Henrietta replied simply, before aiming the energy blast at the evil Ex. "BRUCK-BRUCK-BRUCK-BRUCK-HAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Henrietta fired a searing stream of light blue chi across the platform, destroying the control panel and blasting Henifer off towards the lava below.
"Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooock~!" Henifer screamed as she descended, desperately fluttering her wings to try to glide to safety. However, as she neared the edge of the pit, about to land safely, Bryan kicked at her.
"That's for the eggs to the face! And also not returning the Respiration Helmet I left at your place!"
"Bock! Bock!"
"No, I already checked my Inventory and it wasn't…oh." Bryan realized after checking his Inventory more carefully. "What do you know. It was there. My bad, then—But you still tried killing me! So…yeah…that's not cool either."
"Bock Bock Bock Bock Bock!" Henifer pleaded as she continued falling into the lava. Made more agonizingly slow by her desperate flappings. "Bock Bock!"
Henrietta looked down upon the falling Ex and uttered what could possibly be the best one-liner ever.
"Bruck."
"BOOOOOOCK!" Henifer screamed in agony as the lava met her feathers, igniting them and cooking her alive like all the other chickens she doomed. The last thing Bryan saw of his Ex-girlfriend was a Cooked Chicken, which slightly jumped from the lava before sinking into the fiery muck.
Henifer was dead.
Forever.
Again.
Henrietta fluttered down to help pull Bryan off the edge. Once the two had left the horrifying Chicken Factory, they went back home, made passionate love, and lived happily ever after.
THE END
Cobb closed the book, feeling a sense of finality combined with an empty hollowness.
"I'm not sure where half of that fight scene stuff came from," He admitted confusedly, "but that was the best saga I ever read!"
He got up and walked back to the guards' camp, wanting to return the book to its rightful owner. Maybe they had other recommendations for the fisherman to read.
Though, I still don't see a resemblance between Bryan and I.
AN: I loved writing that fight scene. Just said - fuck it - and threw in any anime/manga I could think of.
Credit to Pokemon, Yugioh, Naruto and Dragonball Z. If you don't know what any of those things are, you have my pity.