A/N: Hello all, and my deepest apologies for taking a year and a half to get a new chapter posted on this story. For the last two years, I've been engaged in graduate school getting my Master's degree and have had much less time for writing than I would have liked. What time I did have, I devoted to my other multi-chapter fic in an attempt to at least keep one of my stories regularly updated.

However, having now graduated, I'm returning with gusto to this story and hope to update it regularly from here on out until it is finished. A big thank you to anyone who has stuck with me during a longer hiatus than I would have liked and to anyone who has joined this journey in the meantime. Enjoy, and cheers!

Chapter 7: Plz Keep Your MSANs to Yourself

Back in Middle-earth, Hawk and Porter's temporary replacements, Thor and Pixie, were having an interesting time.

The two KI agents had already disposed of a Glorfindel!Sue wearing a neon pink T-shirt with the hand-painted words 10 Reasons Glorfy Should Have Been in the Movies! followed by said ten reasons, numbers nine, seven, five, three, and one of which were 'Cause He's HOT!. Next, they had detonated a SueBomb in Rivendell where a particularly large portal had opened, spilling a whole sorority of Falling-to-Middle-earth!Sues into the Last Homely House, much to Elrond's disgruntlement. Most recently, they had apprehended a Leggie!Sueus Vulgaris who had broken into Thranduil's woodland palace and was ransacking the place looking for her "darling Leggie Weggie." And it wasn't even ten o' clock in the morning yet.

Thorvald Thorson, better known as simply Thor after his patron deity, hailed from tenth century Iceland. He was a fine Viking specimen with broad shoulders wrapped in a wolf skin cloak over his KI uniform and legs that could easily be mistaken for young trees at a distance. His greatest pride was his enormously bushy red beard, which he groomed meticulously (something that could not be said for anything else about him). Although he habitually looked half-berserk, with his wild, tangled hair, rough-and-tumble clothing, and massive, scarred arms, everyone in KI knew he was a proverbial teddy bear, whose favorite activity was lecturing anyone who would listen on all the ways Marvel was getting his mythology wrong.

Mallory MacNeil, whom everyone knew as Pixie because of her signature spiky blue hair, was a twenty-three-year-old witch from Edinburgh with a Hogwarts education. She'd been recruited into KI after casting an improvised spell that neutralized a dangerous Sue masquerading as Ginny Weasley. It turned out she was a natural with anti-Sue magic, in addition to being an above-average shot with a KI crossbow, and though she spent most of her on-duty time in her home world, she possessed a steady head and stomach for Jumping. This last quality landed her as a regular backup for the largest and most popular worlds, such as the Galaxy-Far-Far-Away and Middle-earth.

The pair made an odd but excellent team, and between Thor's gigantic double-bladed battle-axe smeared liberally with liquid logic and Pixie's wand and repertoire of self-developed Sue-spells, they had taken out nearly one thousand Sues in the four years they'd been working for KANON Institution. (Thor kept a tally of their kills in his room, half made with dagger scratches on the wall, until the resident manager found out about it and asked him to kindly refrain, after which he kept his tally on an old axe shaft.) They did however have the tendency to argue over random details of the hunt, which usually involved flinging colorful insults back and forth. This habit tended to mislead new co-workers, for in actuality they'd been dating the past year and a half and were exceedingly fond of one another in their peculiar way.

At the moment, they'd made a pit-stop in Rivendell to hold a conference with Elrond, Gandalf, Frodo, Aragorn, and Boromir. Even though everyone had returned to Middle-earth after the Briefing, the fact that seven central characters were absent had put the Story on hold. Canon worlds are delicate structures to which the slightest alterations can have significant effects; in the case of Middle-earth, the consequence was that the timeline had gone Fuzzy. In this state, it was not clear, to either Sue-Slayers or characters, where exactly in the storyline they were. For the characters, this created the disconcerting sensation of not being quite sure what was canon and what was not, causing general confusion and uncertainty and making them particularly vulnerable to their enemies' attacks. For the Sue-Slayers, it was simply an additional hardship in an already hard job.

"Safe havens are what we're needin', I ken," Pixie said in a matter-of-fact tone, tapping her fingers against the wand stuck through her tunic belt. "We've no clues as to where th' Sues will strike now that there's no timeline. Especially wi' th' Fuzziness, th' characters are too spread out for us to properly protect. If everyone were gathered into a place or two, we'd have a much easier time managin' th' Sues."

"I fear that's easier said than done," Elrond responded with a small shake of his noble head. "Heroes and villains, elves and dwarves, orcs and hobbits, all crowded together? I'm all in favor of unity and inter-racial fellowship, but I'm afraid you'd have more trouble on your hands in that situation than otherwise."

"Not necessarily," Thor answered the elf lord in his deep rumble. "Could you pick out a stronghold for each race? That would give us the edge we need in keeping up with the Sues, and I do mean the edge," he said with a grin, spinning his battle-axe so that the razor-sharp edges gleamed and giving Pixie an over-exaggerated wink.

Pixie just rolled her eyes at him.

"Hobbiton makes the most sense for my people," Frodo said. "It's our largest town and we'll have supplies to last us for months. Though I'm hoping the Quest won't take longer than that?" he added hesitantly, casting the KI agents a questioning look.

Pixie offered the hobbit an apologetic shrug. "Sorry, but I dinnae ken. Hawk 'n' Porter were th' ones briefed on th' Quest, not us. We're here to keep back th' Sues as long as possible, and that's just what we'll be doin', never fear. But I have a feelin' that if they aren't back in a month or so, we'll be dealin' wi' much bigger fish to fry, if ye catch my meanin'."

The characters were silent momentarily with the gravity of the situation. It had been made clear to all of them before they returned to Middle-earth that as the Pen went deeper into the Sue-world, the power of the Sues and the Suethors would grow. Even though the most appealing character was unavailable at the moment, there were still plenty of characters besides Legolas whom the Sues would have no qualms about kidnapping.

Even worse, if the Fellowship of the Pen met disaster and any one of the seven characters failed to return, no one was quite sure what would become of Middle-earth and their Story, but chances were it wouldn't be good.

"So it's a siege," Boromir said at last, his hand tightening on the Horn of Gondor slung on his baldric. "Why is this sounding familiar?"

Aragorn laid a hand on the shoulder of his fellow Man. "It is nothing our people cannot endure, my friend. I will aid you in gathering those of our folk. What say you – Minas Tirith?"

"Rivendell is open to all those of my people who wish to seek refuge here," Elrond added. "I will contact Galadriel, Thranduil, and Círdan with all due haste."

Gandalf frowned, leaning on his staff. "And I'm sure with a little persuasion, Grimbeorn will harbor those of other races. A well-placed rumor about entwives in the Carrock from a fellow of discretion such as myself should convince the ents, and Gwaihir and Radagast will assist me in gathering ravens, mearas, and other beasts."

"The dwarves are mostly gathered already in Erebor, so they shouldn't be a problem," Aragorn put in.

"What about the villains?" Frodo asked. "With Sauron gone on the Quest, would it be safer to have them gather in Isengard?"

"Our multi-colored wizard friend didn't make it to the Character Briefing," Thor replied, "so we'll have to sound him out before making any decisions for the villains. But I wouldn't worry about them. Leave it to me and this bonny wee blue-haired pipsqueak here and we'll get everything sorted," he said with a chuckle, leaning an arm on Pixie's shoulder and nearly overbalancing the petite witch.

She shot him a glare and wriggled out from under his arm with a snort. "As much as I hate agreein' wi' this Nordic neanderthal, I'm sure all o' ye can handle it," she said with a nod to the characters. "Spread th' word about th' strongholds, an' we'll do th' rest." She hooked a thumb at her partner. "Come on, you ye great frizz-haired lump. We've got Sues to slay."

~o~o~o~

Hawk picked herself up off the ridiculously soft, green grass of Middle Earth with a little groan, rubbing the small of her back as she did so. Beside her, Porter was brushing some of the confetti-like vegetation off his tunic and trousers, his hair a mussed tangle sticking out in every direction like he'd just received an electric shock. Looking around, Hawk did a quick head-count. Merry, Pippin, Faramir, Éowyn, Sauron, Gimli, Legolas – the characters seemed all right, only disoriented and dizzy from their first Jump, most of them sprawled on the grass, groaning faintly. Hawk felt a small twinge of sympathy, remembering the first time she had experienced that stomach-flipping feeling of falling into a different world, but it was only a very small twinge.

"Come on, everyone. Up you get!" she said loudly and firmly, swinging herself onto her own feet and securing her pack. "Every Sue within squeeing distance will have felt that portal open. We need to get moving before we get unwanted company."

"Is it normal for my stomach to feel like it's inside-out?" Faramir moaned from where he was lying face-first on the ground.

"Bah, my stomach is fine; it's my head that's about to explode," Sauron growled from where he was bent over in the grass, cradling his offending skull.

"Go ahead and let it," Éowyn snapped back at the Dark Lord, though looking a little queasy herself. "No one's going to miss it."

Legolas knelt in the grass, swaying uneasily but in general better condition than the rest of the Fellowship. Ignoring his recovering comrades, the elven prince scrubbed at his discolored blonding hair, which had made it all the way up to his jawline. The Sue had been a strong one. He gave a little shudder, face drawn, remembering the powerful pull of the Sue's essence against his own, calling him to abandon his Story. If he had succumbed to that call, who knew what would have happened, to him or to his world. Suddenly, the enormity of the Quest pressed down upon him, riling his stomach far more than the Jump. He was in the land of his enemies, and every character in Middle-earth was trusting in him to succeed in the face of foes who would undoubtedly be far more terrible than the one he had just encountered. Reaching down, he checked the Pen stowed in the pouch at his belt. It was still there, looking small, golden, and deceivingly innocent. He took a deep breath and rose with easy grace to his feet.

Porter joined Hawk, standing easily despite the dizzying effects of the Jump. The Sue-Slayer trotted over to Faramir, sticking out a hand to help the Ranger up. "There you go, mate. The queasiness will go away here shortly. And I brought along some chocolate bars to share out. Those should help a bit, too."

"Chocolate bars?!" chorused both Merry and Pippin, who had been introduced to this particular delicacy last night in their KI quarters.

Porter made his way around the small group, helping the characters to their feet and rationing out his stash of Hershey's. As the characters got themselves settled and munched their chocolate, Hawk turned her wrist over, examining her Sue-medallion. The digital screen that should have read the time and date of their current location was seriously messed up, random numbers and letters flashing wildly across the clear panel as if it had suddenly decided it was in the Matrix. The time hand ticked uncertainly forward, hesitating and occasionally even backtracking as it tried to make sense of Sue-time and failed miserably. Even more troubling was the Sue hand of the medallion; it quivered violently, pointing in one direction before giving a massive jerk and spinning to another point, the cycle repeating itself every few seconds. There were enemies about, and lots of them.

"Well, Hawk Quest-Mistress, what way from here?"

Hawk turned to see Porter and the characters awaiting her lead, a few of them wiping remnant chocolate smears off the corners of their mouths but overall no longer looking on the verge of losing their breakfasts.

"Where's that map, Porter?" she asked, sticking out a hand.

Porter pulled out the KI map of Middle Earth and unfolded it, stepping up beside his partner. The characters gathered about, peering around the Sue-Slayers as the two agents inspected the only help they had in navigating the hostile terrain of the Sue-world.

"That mountain range there has got to be the Misty Mountins," Porter said, pointing to the long line drawn on the map then indicating the picturesque, white-tipped peaks clearly visible to the east, rising over the blindingly green grass plains in which the Fellowship had been deposited. Turning one hundred and eighty degrees, he pointed. "And I'll bet my share of chocolate that's Rivendale," he added.

Turning, Hawk saw that the grass plains ended abruptly in a deep valley where she could see the gabled roofs and wide terraces of a place that faintly resembled the Last Homely House. Never mind that it should have been impossible for her to see the valley or anything inside it from where she stood. But she could. It was an odd effect, similar to crossing one's eyes and seeing the outline of one's nose, both seeing it and seeing through it at once.

Even from a good mile away, Hawk could feel the malevolent power radiating from the Sue lair. With senses trained from years of hunts, deep in her gut she sensed the uneasy premonition that fell things were moving their way.

"That means we're here," she said, pointing to their location on the map. She slid her finger southwest to the point labeled Isinguard. "And that's where we're going. At least there don't seem to be any serious geographical obstacles in our way." She frowned, rubbing her chin. "I was prepared to land in Murkwood, in which case we'd have had the mountains between us and Isinguard. At least from here it's a straight shot."

"But it's still well over a month's worth of walking from Rivendell to Isengard," Legolas observed with a hint of disappointment, still fiddling with the blond tips of his hair.

"It would be in Middle-earth," Porter said, "but not necessarily here. Distances are deceiving in Sue-worlds. Suethors want their creations to get from place to place quickly and easily, because what fun is blundering around in the wilderness for months with no one to squee at? Not to mention the lack of baths and wardrobe changes."

"Don't assume that means it'll be easy," Hawk said grimly, folding the map and handing it back to Porter. "I can assure you that we'll encounter worse problems than mountains before we reach Isinguard."

~o~o~o~

So far, so good. Though, Hawk considered with a mental wince, forming that thought had probably just jinxed them.

The Fellowship had been in Middle Earth for what was probably an hour and as of yet there'd been neither sight nor sound of pursuers, though Hawk and Porter's Sue-medallions remained hyperactive, indicating that they were far from safe. Everyone trudged along silently for the most part, all too aware of their danger. Legolas's hair had completely returned to its natural color, but the normally optimistic elf looked more shaken than usual.

It did not help that everything about this world seemed deeply, innately wrong on a level that even Hawk couldn't quite begin to articulate. It was more than the too blue sky and the too green grass, more than the overly fluffy clouds drifting cheerfully overhead (Hawk wouldn't have believed clouds could be cheerful, but these definitely were), more than the myriad of unseen birds singing insanely complicated songs, more than the overpowering perfume smell of the flowers that dotted the grass. Hawk had been to Middle-earth thousands of times; this world contained echoes here and there of the world she had devoted her life to defending, but they were distorted echoes, like a familiar place portrayed in a convoluted dream. Even though they continued to cover ground, Hawk had the disconcerting feeling that she was walking past a two-dimensional surface, as if the mountains in the distance and the sky and the cheerful clouds were all a painted backdrop that could not actually be reached.

At midday, they took a brief break to eat. The grass plans, dotted with their exceedingly fragrant flowers, continued to stretch before them, but in the distance a dark blob of trees was visible. Hawk and Porter consulted the map and determined that the forest was not labeled.

"It could be nothing more than a little copse," Porter said with a shrug.

"Or the landscape has changed since this map was made," Hawk answered with a frown.

The Fellowship continued on, and as no Sues made an appearance to drag them back to their lairs, the characters began to relax somewhat. Or at least, Merry and Pippin did.

"Hey, Pippin," Merry said with a mischievous smirk, "I've got a riddle for you."

"All right," Pippin said, brightening up a little, "what is it?"

"If you take 'Lord of the Ring' and remove the r, n, and g from the last word, what are you left with?

"I don't know?"

"Lord of the I!" Merry said. "Lord of the Eye! Get it?"

From the other side of the company, Sauron gave the hobbits a death glare. It was a very impressive death glare, even by Hawk's standards. Even if he was not literally a huge, flaming eye on top of a tower and found the concept thoroughly offensive, he was still the originator of the authentic "Evil Eye."

Finally, the Dark Lord sniffed haughtily and turned away with a growl. "I'd watch it if I were you. Just because I've agreed to come along on this stupid quest doesn't mean I won't make things unpleasant for you when we get back."

"Oh, something like sending a wraith monster after me?" Merry replied with irreverent mock-horror. "Or do you mean frying Pippin's brain with that palantír thingie?"

"My brain isn't fried!" Pippin put in indignantly.

Sauron's face went dark with anger and a grinding sound emanated from him, though it was hard to tell if he was clenching his teeth or if his armor was simply rubbing together. "Trust me, I'll think of something."

"Are you going to do that before or after cousin Frodo destroys you?"

"All right! That's it!

Sauron turned with murder on his face, but at that moment everything froze.

The trilling of the unnamed birds abruptly stopped. The cheerful clouds halted. The breeze ceased. The Sue-Slayers and characters alike found themselves frozen in place, unable to do so much as move a finger.

Suddenly, huge words began scrolling across the sky, appearing from nowhere and disappearing into nowhere.

((((A/N: OH I JUST FORGOT TO MENTION, THIS IS MY FIRST STORY SO IF ITS NOT VERY GOOD IM SORRY. PLZ R&R! :D))))

The words vanished and everything snapped back to life. The Fellowship members stumbled forward, suddenly released from the invisible force that had held them immobile.

"Uh, Hawk, Porter, what was that?" Faramir asked, his voice tense and his hand straying to his Ranger knife.

Before either Sue-Slayer could respond, the phenomenon repeated itself, with new words scrolling ominously across the sky.

((((SORRY BUT I JUST REMEMBERED BUT EMERALD ROSEMARY IS NOT A SELF-INSERT OR A MARY SUE. I MADE HER UP AND SHE IS NOT BASED ON ME AT ALL! PLZ REVIEW IF YOU LIKE XD))))

The world tripped forward again. "Valar-blast it!" Hawk gritted. "MSAN!"

"What?"

"Mid-story Author Notes!" Hawk ground out between clenched teeth. "We must have strayed into a part of the world controlled by an MSAN Suethor. This is not good. Not good! If we can't get past her realm of influence, we'll never get anywhere. Now on my signal-"

((((ITS ME AGAIN. IM REALLY YOUNG ONLY FOURTEEN SO IF MY STORY IS NOT SO GOOD PLZ DONT FLAME!))))

"-RUN!" Hawk shouted.

The Fellowship took off across the plains, running as hard as they could. Faramir and Legolas stopped to pull the hobbits up onto their backs before racing towards the distant forest. Gimli pounded along like a little tank, keeping up much better with his longer legged peers than one might expect if one happened only to have seen a certain movie. Several more times they were frozen in place as more apologies, R&R pleas, and unnecessary explanations rolled with excruciating slowness across the sky. There was no way of telling how far they might have to run to escape the MSAN Suethor's range. Fixing their eyes on the forest, they charged forward with all their might between each editorial outburst.

And then they were in the forest.

There was no warning or transition. One moment, they were sprinting across the plains, dreading the next second when their limbs would freeze and the world would grow eerily dead around them, the forest still a goodly distance away. The next moment, they were skidding frantically to a halt underneath tall, ominously gorgeous trees.

Éowyn almost tripped over a large root that unexpectedly appeared in her path, saved only by Faramir who lunged out and caught her by the hand. Gimli nearly ran headfirst into a tree that seemed to have popped up directly in his path. There was a loud explosion of expletives not suited for a K+ rating from Sauron, the tallest member of the Fellowship, as he cracked his head on a low-hanging branch that had not been there a split-second before.

There was no sound for several seconds except the musical whistle of wind in treetops and the panting of the members of the Fellowship. Legolas shook his head, trying to clear the daze from it and reorienting himself after both the unpleasant effects of the MSANs and the unexpected glitch in their location. Automatically, he felt for the Pen in his pouch. Upon making sure the Sue-weapon was safe, he turned to Hawk and Porter. "Um, what just happened?"

Porter was puffing heavily, so Hawk answered in a curt voice. "I feared something like this might occur here, though we can all thank the stars it worked in our favor this time. Distance, time, perception – it's all an illogical and inconsistent mess in Sue-worlds. Don't expect anything to behave with the same physics or logic as it would in your universe."

"Or one might say," Porter wheezed with a cheeky grin, "Toto, we're not in Middle-earth anymore."