The Fellowship of the Pen

by Sauron Gorthaur

When the most dangerous and powerful of all Suethor weapons falls into the hands of the LOTR characters and their Sue-slaying protectors, a new quest begins: with Legolas as the Pen-bearer and a Fellowship that, if possible, is even stranger than the last one.

12. Attack of the Movie-verse

Chapter 11: Attack of the Movie-verse

The Records of Lord Sauron the Great – Day the Third

It is now the third day that I have been forced to keep the despicable company of all these annoyingly altruistic, not to mention narrow-minded, so-called heroes on this ridiculous quest. I keep thinking that I have witnessed the height of their stupidity, only to be proven wrong again and again.

Last night, our pointy-eared Pen-Bearer was attacked by a particularly pathetic (and might I add, completely un-noteworthy) Sue. Of course, I was the only one able to keep a level head. While everyone else was losing their collective minds, I formulated a cunning and effective plan that I know would have worked. However, not only did they nearly get that spoiled spawn of Thranduil killed, but they somehow managed to twist it around that I was the one in the wrong! Bah, what can you expect from self-righteous self-styled heroes?

You would think that would be the worst, but oh no. Out of the blue, who shows up but one of the chief captains of Isengard, demanding to become part of our Fellowship. Does anyone but me stop to think that this is awfully suspicious? Does anyone but me consider that Saruman is not exactly known for his trustworthy behavior? Does anyone but me realize that we have absolutely no need for another, significantly inferior villain? I mean, they have me!

Hah! It's almost laughable. Saruman was always so transparent. In the Story, if those heroes hadn't tromped straight through the middle of my plans, I was fully prepared to squash that smug wizard like the honey-tongued little gnat that he was, as soon as he was of no further use to me of course. Was he really arrogant and stupid enough to believe that I didn't know he had his eye fixed on my Ring? Ooo, I was looking forward so much to seeing the look on his face when I revealed that I knew he'd been double-crossing me the whole time!

Anyway…I can't believe they actually trust Uglúk's little story. Well, I can't say I didn't warn them. But oh no, who wants to listen to the Dark Lord with three Ages' worth of experience dealing with bootlickers, traitors, and sycophants?

We've been walking South all morning with no further disturbances (yet), and we're currently stopped for "lunch" because those hobbit rats kept whining about being hungry. Our all-wise Protectors are currently poring over their map and giving me the cold shoulder because apparently I was the one who "endangered the Fellowship." You know what I'd do if I wanted to endanger the Fellowship? I'D INVITE THE ORC CAPTAIN OF A NOTORIOUS TRAITOR TO TRAIPSE ALONG WITH US AND LISTEN TO ALL OUR PLANS!

I have no idea how these morons manage to beat me in the Story.

-Lord Sauron of Mordor, the Lord of the Rings, Tar-Mairon the Great

~o~o~o~

"We're leaving in five," Hawk called.

Legolas acknowledged the five-minute warning with a nod and folded the piece of lembas he'd been nibbling back into its mallorn leaf and tucked it back in his satchel, even though, truth be told, he didn't have much of an appetite, even for an elf.

Last night's encounter with Nightshade Moriel had rattled him more than he liked to admit.

Legolas liked to think he was a confident and capable warrior. Sure, he was young by elven standards, but he'd received the full training of a Prince of the Woodland Realm and he'd fought his fair share of goblins, wargs, and giant spiders. He was no weakling. And yet, for all his training, he'd been virtually helpless in Nightshade's attack. If it hadn't been for Uglúk's perfectly-timed arrow, Legolas shuddered to think what might have become of him. And even more frightening was the thought that Nightshade was unlikely to be the most powerful Sue they would encounter.

If he was already having this much trouble, how much harder would it be as they got deeper into Middle Earth and closer to Isinguard?

Without really thinking about it, he slipped his fingers into the pouch at his side and brushed them over the smooth surface of the Pen. The moment he realized what he was doing, he jerked his hand away. But the little whispering voice at the back of his mind was still there. If the Pen could give power to their enemies, couldn't it grant him the same powers? And what was so wrong with super speed, super strength, and magical abilities anyway? If it meant the difference between the failure or success of the Quest, if it came down to it, wouldn't it be the right thing to do to use the Pen?

Legolas shook the thoughts away and rose to his feet, swinging his satchel over one shoulder and joining the others.

Ever since that morning, there had been a general feeling of unease amongst the Fellowship. The source of that unease wasn't hard to determine. Legolas shot a glance towards the hulking figure of the Uruk-Hai captain who had planted himself at the front of the Fellowship by Hawk and Porter, his arms folded and his brutish, square jaw jutting out. Even Sauron had lost his relative aura of menace for the time being in the face of the unexpected arrival of the Isengarder. Uglúk had certainly showed up at the exact right moment. But was it coincidence or something more sinister?

They started off again, Hawk and Porter holding their Sue medallions and keeping their eyes peeled for any unwelcome visitors. Since mid-morning, they'd been following a stream that gurgled gently through a flower-studded valley in the forest. Since the stream was running in a generally southern direction, they had voted to follow it as long as was practical, both for the source of fresh water and for the valley sides that protected them from view unless one were standing directly at the edge of the slope. Merry and Pippin were playing another one of the games Porter had taught them and had roped Éowyn and Faramir into playing with them, but their voices were subdued. Legolas suspected he wasn't the only one who had been shaken by last night's events.

Pat. Pat. Pat.

Legolas's sharp ears caught the faint sound like light footsteps over grass, and…was that the sound of pebbles clattering somewhere behind them, as if someone had disturbed them? Up ahead, he saw Hawk's head come up just a little too sharply and she glanced surreptitiously at her medallion and murmured something to Porter. Without saying anything, Porter slowly fell back until he was at the end of the Fellowship, neatly sandwiching the characters between the two Sue-Slayers.

The valley slowly grew deeper, until the slopes on either side were more like bluffs. The water to their right was crystal clear, with pretty, jewel-toned fish darting just below the surface. The ground under their feet was a combination of soft dirt and colorful pebbles, and the strip of sky visible above them was the bluest blue Legolas had ever seen. If they had been anywhere else, he would have described it all as idyllic. As it was, the over-the-top beauty of their surroundings carried the threatening whisper of danger.

Several hours later they stopped for another break. Hawk announced that she was going to scout ahead, and she and Faramir disappeared around a bend upstream. Uglúk squatted on top of a rock shelf that jutted out from the side of the bluff face, staring intently upstream, his back to the rest of the Fellowship. The remainder of the group sat around enjoying the breather.

Legolas looked back the direction they'd come. The odd, head-spinning sensation that the world was filling itself in as he looked at it made him feel a little queasy. As he adjusted, he caught a quick flicker of movement out of the corner of his eye, up at the top of the bluffs. For a moment he thought it was just part of the overall disorientation of the flimsy Sue-world but then he picked up a sound like faint rustling. His eyes snapped back over to the spot where he'd seen movement, but there was nothing there now except some bushes.

Hawk and Faramir returned shortly, the Sue-Slayer with a grim expression on her face. "We've got a slight dilemma," she said. "About a quarter of a mile upstream, our path splits."

They set off again and soon rounded the bend to find that Hawk was correct. The valley split into two distinct paths, both still running in a vaguely southerly direction. On either side of them, the bluffs had become tall and steep enough that climbing them was out of the question. They would have to choose one of the paths.

Legolas glanced from one to the other. The stream followed the left-hand path, which continued on much as it had up to this point, dotted with flowers, pretty pebbles, and sparkly water. The right-hand path, however, wound sharply upward towards the top of the bluffs in what looked like an unstable, strenuous, rocky climb. At the top of the bluff, the trail wound its way into a grove of sickly-looking trees with spindly branches that reached out like spider legs. It positively reeked of sinister intent.

Hawk and Porter had a brief discussion, then Hawk headed purposefully for the left-hand path. Legolas breathed an inward sigh of relief.

Until…

"Just hold up a bloody minute! Come on, don't tell me you're stupid enough to fall for this."

Everyone turned to Sauron, who was standing at the entrance to the right-hand trail. He gestured towards the unpleasant climb towards the spider-trees. "This is obviously the way we need to go."

Hawk stopped and folded her arms, looking massively unimpressed by Sauron's revelation. "And how exactly did you decide that?" she asked. "Do you know something that you're not telling us?"

"Well, apparently so," Sauron said. He looked around at all their blank stares and sighed melodramatically. "Come on, do I have to spell it out for you? I mean, you've proved ample times that none of you have much going on up there, but this seems a little too dense even for all of you."

He gestured towards both paths. "Let me put it this way; if you were an evil Sue trying to lure a certain Fellowship to their doom, where would you set a trap? On the forbidding and unpleasant-looking path? Or on the pretty, non-threatening path?" He pointed towards the left-hand trail. "That thing is a death trap, if ever I saw one, and I've seen plenty."

The members of the Fellowship looked from Hawk and Porter to Sauron then back.

"And what if you were a treacherous Dark Lord who wanted to lead the Fellowship to their deaths? Would you not convince them to take the wrong path?" Uglúk spoke up, his harsh voice mocking. "You don't fool me, Deceitful One."

"Oh right, because you're so very reliable," Sauron sneered, making no attempt to hide his distaste and scorn.

"Oh be quiet, both of you," Hawk snapped. For what seemed like an inordinately long time, she stood with a hand on her chin, studying both paths.

Then she straightened and turned back to face them. "We're going left." There was an audible sigh of relief from the majority of the Fellowship. "There's no reason to believe that either path is booby-trapped," she continued. "There's probably danger we'd encounter on either one, and the left path is obviously easier. I don't see any reason to make this harder on ourselves than it's already going to be."

Sauron's eyes glinted dangerously, but he shrugged. "Oh very well, ignore the evil expert who you brought along specifically to give you evil expert advice. I just want it to go on record that when all of you stumble into the clutches of a Sue, I told you so."

"Noted," Hawk said. "Now let's go."

And with that they started down the left-hand path.

The afternoon wore on and the cliffs on either side returned to the gentler slopes, lightly spotted with slender trees bearing large blossoms and emerald green leaves. The ground was as soft and pleasant on the feet as a particularly fluffy comforter and birdsong filled the air around them.

"So, mighty Dark Lord, where's the terrible, awful trap that was inevitably waiting for us down this path?" Éowyn scoffed. "To think, we could have been scrambling up scree and heading off into who knows what if we'd listened to you."

For once, Sauron didn't respond but simply glowered imperiously in her direction. The Dark Lord hadn't said anything since Hawk had overridden his advice. In fact, if he didn't know better, Legolas would almost have described Sauron's behavior as sulking.

Up ahead, the stream wound to the right, the trees growing denser around it until it became a proper grove. They continued to follow the running water as the trees wrapped around them, cocooning them in dappled shade and various perfume scents. There was a sleepy feeling in the air. As he walked, Legolas felt his mind drifting, an almost dream-like coziness settling around him. Beside him, the other members of the Fellowship wore nearly identical listless expressions.

The stream curved again and quite suddenly, they found themselves in the middle of a beautifully idyllic clearing without entirely knowing how they'd gotten there. And that was when everything went wrong.

~o~o~o~

Saruman carefully smoothed his multi-colored robes out over his chair as he listened to Thor and Pixie explain the reason for their visit. As they finished, he flashed them a smile that did not extend to his dark eyes. "So, the villains are to seek harbor in Barad-dûr until…what exactly? The Quest of the Pen is complete? I am sure I do not need to remind you that their success is hardly guaranteed. Perhaps then until you and your fellow agents are able to stop the onslaught of Sues invading our world? Considering that it seems characters are vanishing left and right under your watch, forgive me if I am hesitant to place all my trust in your methods."

Pixie scowled. "Well, I hate t' break th' news t' ye, Saruman, but ye don't have much of an alternative."

"Pixie's right," Thor put in. "The less spread out you characters are, the easier we'll have it to make sure no one else goes missing. We're trained experts. And we really do recommend that you lead whoever is left in Isengard down to Mordor. The Mouth of Sauron even offered to send fell beasts, if that will be easier for you."

Saruman rose, his long robes swishing majestically about him, and turned to face the window behind his chair, his hands clasped behind his back. "Perhaps you are not aware of as many alternatives as I am," he said, his deep voice filling the room like something tangible.

Pixie raised an eyebrow sharply and even Thor frowned. "Do you have any information that might help us? It would be in your best interest to let us know if there is."

Saruman turned back to face them. "My best interest? Now, would it be, I wonder?"

There was something in the wizard's voice that made Pixie's fingers itch to creep down towards the wand strapped to her waist. On the settee on the other side of Thor, Dena Milo's hand dropped casually to rest against her Suesaber. Figlock, from his perch on Dena's shoulder, flicked his tail and narrowed his eyes. The tension in the room could have been cut with the proverbial knife.

Saruman smiled again. "Let us be honest with ourselves. I think we are all aware that the chances of success from your Fellowship are slim at best. And thanks to you Sue-Slayers, I suspect the Pen will very soon fall into your enemies' hands." He tapped his long fingers slowly against the back of the chair he'd been sitting in. "I have never been one to sit around idly while the fate of my world hangs by a string. And I have always had a predilection for the mysteries of the universe, or more correctly, how to harness those mysteries. For example, the way you Sue-Slayers travel from one world to another."

The wizard made a slight movement with his hand that Pixie couldn't quite see and all of a sudden, a portal appeared in the middle of the room. The KI agents leapt to their feet. There was no doubt about the reality of the portal; Pixie could feel the strange tugging from it as it Bent the world around it.

Saruman looked around at all four of them, satisfaction gleaming in his dark eyes. "As you can see, you are not the only ones with power in this unfortunate situation in which we all find ourselves." His hand moved again and the portal vanished. "I hope this demonstration has made a few things clear at the very least."

Thor took a step forward, his face uncharacteristically grim. "KI equipment is strictly forbidden for anyone other than trained KI agents. Jumping and time travel aren't to be taken lightly. So if you have somehow ended up with something you shouldn't have, I suggest you hand it over now."

Saruman's gaze darted to each of them in turn. "For all our history, the esteemed Sue-Slayers have enjoyed all the control over what happens, and what does not happen, in our world. And now that you feel the balance of your power crumbling, you grow desperate. I cannot say that I blame you."

He spread his arms. "However, this does not have to be the end of the Sue-Slayers. Are not you all – what is the word you use – OCs after all? This could be an opportunity for us all, an opportunity to reset the balance and usher in a new and better time for Middle-earth. I am willing to work with you, if only you will work with me to do what is truly best for all of us."

Pixie whipped out her wand at the same moment Thor hefted his axe. There was a hum of plasma as Dena's Suesaber flashed on, and Figlock notched a miniature quarrel to his crossbow.

"I dinnae think so," Pixie growled, pointing her wand directly at Saruman.

Thor's face was completely devoid of his usual mirth. "We're going to have to take you to the Hub until all of this is over. Now, are we going to do this the hard way or the easy way?"

To all of their surprise, Saruman laughed. "You fools," he said with a shake of his head. "You heroes never do choose the path of common sense, do you? I would have enjoyed working with you, I truly would, but I fear I have already made a deal that I must uphold."

"What-" Pixie began, but she got no further.

A figure materialized beside Saruman. It was immediately obvious that she was a Sue. Her long, blonde hair was held with a braided leather strap around her forehead, and she was dressed in a long white, sleeveless garment with slits on both sides up to her hips, bound at her thin waist with a gold sash. Strapped around her right wrist was some type of metal gadget. Her figure was flawless, her tanned skin clear, and her posture perfect. But even more incriminating was the unrealistically tangible aura radiating from her, an aura any Sue-Slayer would recognize in an instant.

"Sueus Deficitis!" Pixie shouting, whipping the spell at the Sue.

With almost arrogant ease, the Sue dodged the spell. Dena darted forward, Suesaber slashing towards the intruder, but the Sue leapt nimbly over the weapon's deadly beam and simultaneously landed a roundhouse kick to Dena's stomach that sent the togruta crashing back into the settee. Aragorn and Boromir, both of whom had been hovering quietly at the back of the room while the Sue-Slayers talked to Saruman, dashed forward, drawing their weapons. With a sneer, the Sue raised her right arm and flicked it forward. Two thin darts shot out of the contraption strapped to her wrist, striking the two human warriors. They collapsed instantly. Thor swung his axe at her while she was momentarily distracted by the characters, but a sword materialized in her grip and she swept it around in an arc, cleaving straight through the shaft of Thor's axe. The axe head clanged to the stone floor, useless.

"Stop! All of you where you are!" the Sue cried out imperiously.

Pixie's breathing was heavy with adrenaline and fury, but she stopped with her hand still pointing at the Sue instead of casting another spell. Thor, Dena, and Figlock seemed frozen in place as well. Under Pixie's anger was a gnawing sense of dread and perhaps even fear. She'd never faced a Sue this powerful before, one that could handle four agents of KI all on her own without so much as breaking a sweat (not the Sues ever sweated, but still). But even more than that, there was something deeply disconcerting about the way she'd fought, as if she'd been anticipating each and every one of their attacks…

Saruman bowed his head. "My lady, the Sue-Slayers, as I promised."

"Ye bloody traitor!" Pixie roared at him. "Ye bloody, Suescum-lovin', pointy-nosed eejit!"

Saruman only cast her a faintly amused glance. Or at least that's what Pixie thought he was doing for a moment. But then she realized he wasn't looking at her, but behind her.

Pixie slowly turned to find a half-circle of a dozen Sues blocking the exits behind them.

"As you can see," Saruman said, smugness radiating from his voice, "things have changed around here."

"You have done an excellent job, Saruman," the blonde Sue purred. "I will make sure you are properly rewarded." Her gaze flickered towards the prone figures of Aragorn and Boromir. "Take them to join the other characters," she said with a dismissive wave of her hand. Four Sues came forward to drag the two unconscious humans from the room.

She prowled towards the agents. "This is no longer your world, Sue-Slayers. Even at this very moment, one of Saruman's loyal servants is doing my bidding to lead your precious Fellowship to their doom. The Pen will be returned to those it belongs to, not the characters, not you adorable KI agents, but us Sues. This world, and all other worlds, do not stand a chance."

A dark-haired elf Sue came up alongside Pixie and wrestled the wand from her grasp. All Pixie could do was glower. There were far too many Sues for them to fight and win. Another Sue disarmed Dena and Figlock.

The Sue leader looked them over, and Pixie was surprised to see pure hatred in her eyes. "And last but not least, KANON Institution will finally fall." So saying, she held up an object in her hand.

Four simultaneous gasps were torn from the Sue-Slayers. "Who…who are you?" Thor managed to get out.

The Sue smiled, her azure eyes flashing. "What? Don't you recognize me, Thor?" She lowered her hand, palming the Sue-medallion that she had just shown them. Still smiling, she flicked her hand at the other Sues. "Take them all down to the dungeons. The Pen will be arriving shortly, and we don't want any of these bothersome Slayers getting in the way."

As several Sues came forward to seize them, all four agents exchanged glances. As the Sues reached out to grab their arms, the Sue-Slayers spun around. Dena landed a solid punch to one Sue's face, while Thor knocked another off her feet with a swipe of his tree-like arm. Another Sue doubled over as Pixie kicked her hard in the stomach.

Saruman's staff began to glow ominously. Figlock, however, was the only one to notice. The squirrel made a flying leap for the wizard, who cried out in surprise as a ball of fur crashed into his face. There was a brief mad scramble, then Saruman flung Figlock across the room. The squirrel's head struck hard against the wall and he crumpled to the floor.

It was over (again) in a matter of thirty seconds or so. Sues grabbed hold of Pixie, Dena, and Thor's arms, a combination of their supernatural strength and superior numbers rendering the Sue-Slayers helpless.

The Sue leader shook her head and clicked her tongue. "Disappointing. Not surprising, but disappointing. You clearly haven't fully accepted your fate yet. Allow me to demonstrate the consequences should you continue to foolishly resist."

She snapped her fingers and three Sues dragged Thor forward.

"No!" Pixie shouted. "Don't you touch him, ye foul Suethor spawn!"

She continued to struggle against her captors as the blonde Sue approached Thor, reached out her hand, and pressed her fingertips to his forehead.

"No!" Pixie howled.

But it was too late. Thor transformed before their eyes. Instead of the lovable, hairy Viking Slayer, the man who now stood before them in Thor's place had luscious blond hair to his shoulders, a neatly trimmed beard, sparkly blue eyes, and a body that could only be described as studly. A glittery new axe appeared in his hands.

"No," Pixie whimpered.

Thor was gone, and in his place was a Gary Stu.

The Sue leader glanced at Pixie and Dena contemptuously. "Take the female Slayers down to the dungeons. Then join us in the Hall of the Palantír as we await news of the Pen. And then, all of Middle-earth awaits us."

~o~o~o~

A cloud of disorientation filled Legolas's mind. Where was he? What…what had he just been doing? Some sort of journey, a quest maybe, but what had been its purpose? He shook his head, trying to clear away the fog. And the fog wasn't just in his head, he realized. Swirling grey mist was rising from the ground all around him, obscuring his surroundings and making it impossible to see more than a few feet in any direction.

"Hello?" Legolas called. There had been others with him just now, hadn't there? Well, there didn't seem to be anyone around now.

Legolas didn't notice the tips of his hair starting to change color, from dark to blond.

He took a bewildered step forward, turning in a slow full circle, and squinted. Was the fog clearing? He thought he could make out shapes through the mist, trees perhaps. He stumbled slightly, as if he'd been at one of his father's parties just a tad too long. The blond crept from his shoulders up to his ears.

Something flashed through his mind. An image. A red-haired elf woman who was both a complete stranger to him, but who also felt deeply familiar. His head was pounding, and he lifted his hands to his temples, struggling to remember where he was and who he was.

The blond crept along his skull, all the way to his scalp, swallowing up all of the black.

Clarity suddenly bloomed throughout him once again. Of course, he was Legolas, son of Thranduil, Prince of the Woodland Realm! How could he have forgotten? He looked around and abruptly realized where he was. It was his own home of Mirkwood.

The image – no, the memory – of the red-haired elf woman flashed through his head again, but this time it came with a name. Tauriel. How had he forgotten Tauriel? His childhood companion, the captain of his father's guard, the woman he'd always hoped would look at him the way he looked at her. What had happened to her? Oh yes, she'd fallen in love with that dwarf…ugh, dwarves. But…not all dwarves…?

"Oh ho, didn't think you were going to leave me out of the fun, did you, laddie?"

Legolas spun around as a stout figure burst from the trees, running towards him and swinging an axe wildly. With reflexes like a cat, Legolas leapt nimbly aside as the figure charged past and brought his axe down on a giant spider that had emerged from the darkness of the Mirkwood trees. Green slime spurted out of the hideous creature. There was a rustling and a skittering in the trees and more spiders darted out.

Legolas laughed lightly, feeling a rush of exhilaration surge through him. "You will have to be faster than that, Gimli!" he cried out as he gave a great leap, grabbing on to one of the branches above his head and swinging himself effortlessly up and over the branch to launch himself at the nearest spider, pulling out one of his knives as he did so. In a single fluid movement, he landed on the spider's back, driving his knife down into it and doing a backflip off the creature as it collapsed beneath him. Adrenaline rushed through him. He'd never felt like this before…so confident, so graceful, so…cool.

Gimli was surrounded by three spider, which were closing in on him as he spun around, waving his axe and roaring unintelligibly at them. Without thinking, Legolas hurled his knife. Somehow, he knew the exact angle to throw it so that it spun in a semi-circle, slicing off the front legs of all three spiders. Suddenly off balance and injured, the monsters staggered. Legolas sprang forward and finished off the nearest one. "Looks like you could use some help, dwarf," he quipped.

Gimli brought his axe down, cleaning splitting another spider's head. "I don't need to be rescued by any pointy-eared elvish princeling!"

Legolas shot an arrow at point-blank range through the third spider without even looking at it. "How about being rescued by a friend?"

~o~o~o~

Éowyn clutched her sword between her hands, the armor disguising her clinking softly as she moved towards the trees. She would show her brother and her uncle that she could fight just as well as any stupid man. How dare they suggest she stay home and watch over the children and the elderly while they were off fighting to save the world and winning all the glory! It was her world too after all, and obviously fighting in battle was the only worthwhile way to help. She wouldn't want everyone to think she was like other girls after all!

A figure was standing at the edge of the trees. An orc? Something worse? Éowyn's hands tightened around the sword hilt as she charged forward, spinning her blade expertly and letting out a fierce battle cry.

The figure turned and light seemed to spill from somewhere behind him that she couldn't see, illuminating him in a dramatic glow. Éowyn skidded to a halt, her sword arm going limp. Faramir's wavy, golden hair blew gently in the soft breeze, his face immeasurably gentle and immeasurably sad. The battlelust drained instantly from Éowyn and all she wanted to do was lay her head on those handsome, broad shoulders, casting aside her cares and wounds and worries as she did so. All she desired was to wipe the sadness from his face, to heal him as he would undoubtedly heal her. How had she not seen it before? That the right man would fix everything!

Her sword dropped into the grass forgotten.

~o~o~o~

Merry and Pippin were amongst the tree grove at the edge of Hobbiton. They had found a particularly succulent patch of mushrooms, which they were eagerly stuffing into their knapsack, which was already nearly overflowing with vegetables raided from nearby farms.

"Merry?" Pippin said, looking up, his eyes widening. "Do you have a sudden urge to say something funny?"

Merry paused and frowned. "No, but if I don't do something irresponsible and rash right this moment, I feel like something is going to explode."

They looked at each other, then stuffed their faces full of mushrooms and dashed into the woods towards Hobbiton, looking for opportunities for chaos and havoc to wreak.

~o~o~o~

Sauron was standing among the skeletal trees that bordered the eastern side of the Sea of Nurnen. A strange tingling started in his hands and feet, growing more intense as it worked its way inward. Some part of him realized what was happening a moment too late and he let out a howl of "Noooooooo!"

His body burst into flame. The next moment, the trees were lit by the stabbing light of a giant, flaming eye hovering above the clearing.

~o~o~o~

Hawk and Porter watched, horrified, as each of the Fellowship members transformed into their movie-verse counterparts. Each seemed to be trapped in their own world, oblivious to all around them. Legolas and Gimli were swinging their weapons at non-existent foes and quipping back and forth. Éowyn and Faramir were gazing into each other's eyes as if they had just found their soulmate who completed them and nothing would ever be wrong with the world again. Merry and Pippin were shoving something that was presumably edible into their mouths, and the beam of light from the Eye of Sauron was flicking back and forth while ominous rumbles of Black Speech emanated from him.

The Sue-Slayers found that their minds were also clouded and their movements slow as if they were trying to drag their limbs through molasses. It was hard to think straight and harder still to choose a course of action.

"We…we should…we should get out of here," Hawk struggled to say. "This is…not good."

"Yeah…" Porter responded, a vacant expression on his face.

Out of nowhere, ominous music started to play. There was movement beyond the characters, at the edge of the clearing in the darkness beneath the trees. Then movement to the left. Then to the right.

Sues converged upon the helpless characters caught in their movie-verse nightmares. Like wolves stalking their prey, they glided silently forward, hemming the characters in, their eyes fixed hungrily upon their victims.

Hawk raised her crossbow, eyes blurry and hands shaking from lethargy. She pulled the trigger and the bolt shot free from the bow. It missed the Sue she'd been aiming at by a good foot and lodged itself in a tree. The Sue didn't even bother glancing her way.

Vaguely, Hawk realized that the Quest had failed.

"No," she whispered.

Suddenly, a brilliant light flared through the clearing, bringing with it a rippling surge of power that tingled against Hawk's skin. The light was so strong and blinding that it cleared Hawk's mind temporarily. Using the momentary clarity, she grabbed another bolt from her quiver and shot again, this time with a clean hit. The Sue fell daintily with a little cry. Beside her, Porter took down another Sue that had nearly reached Legolas.

But more Sues were emerging from the trees. There were just too many of them.

There was another flash of light. Hawk held up her hand, shielding her eyes, and saw the outline of a figure at the very heart of the blast, a dark outline against the brilliance. The Sues faltered, seeming to shrink before the light, though it was unclear whether their hesitation was due to the light itself or the strange figure.

A bell-like voice rang out across the clearing. "Stay away from them!"

The figure stepped into the clearing.

It was a woman with long wavy auburn hair the color of the sunset over the ocean, a curvy hourglass figure, and porcelain skin dressed in a long shimmery green dress with gold trim and glittering rhinestones. She looked directly at Hawk and Porter, her violet eyes flashing. "I can hold them off," she cried to the KI agents. "Get them out of here!"

The stranger's eyes began to glow and then another blast of light poured from her. Hawk and Porter jumped into action, Hawk making a beeline for Legolas and Gimli, slapping the former hard across the face to get his attention. "Follow me," she gritted.

She grabbed the two characters and drug them towards the edge of the clearing, collecting Éowyn and Faramir along the way. Porter was scrabbling with a Sue who had stepped in his way, but he plunged his knife into her chest and barreled on towards Merry and Pippin, yelling to the giant Eye at he went.

Hawk glanced briefly back to see the red-haired figure with her back to them, arms upraised and her long, draping sleeves fluttering dramatically, still surrounded by the ethereal glow of light. Beyond her, the other Sues continued to advance. Hawk turned back around and continued to run as if her life and the fate of the world depended on it.

The Fellowship of the Pen fled from the cursed clearing and into the relative safety of the surrounding trees, leaving the harrowing scene behind.

A/N: Just to be clear, I love the LOTR movies, but they also can be convenient to make fun of for the sake of a story :) To anyone still following this story, I apologize for the long hiatus and hope you enjoyed this chapter. My hope is to get on a regular updating schedule for this story and finish it out in the next year or so. And to all my American followers, Happy Thanksgiving!