AN: Olivia and Squad bashing for a little bit! Just to show that sometimes she's wrong and can be stubborn! But then Mama Liv for the rest of it. This does include torture and SA mentions so TW!
You were late again. You were so late in fact that everyone else had gone out into the field and you were left in an empty Precinct, not that Olivia tried to contact you. She had given up on you around 6 months ago and ever since that day, slowly but surely the rest of the Squad had turned their back on you as well. It had all started when you'd been attacked by someone who you thought was your friend, it had been brutal to say the least. They'd beaten you black and blue, assaulted you, poured freezing cold water on you and left you tied up for hours! You'd been so injured that you had to take a good couple of weeks off, coming up with the most ridiculous excuses as to why you couldn't be there for your shifts; you'd not been at SVU all that long and didn't feel comfortable to admit to Olivia what had truly happened. You had gone back to work about three weeks after your attack and you remember just how livid Olivia had been.
"Do you have any idea of the strings I had to pull to get you here and this is how you repay me?" Olivia had snarled, slamming the door behind the two of you seemingly oblivious to the way you flinch back away from her. You remained calm for the most part, eerily calm aside from that... your boss not really giving you much of a chance to explain to her what had happened.
"Olivia I..." you began to talk, trying to find the courage to tell her what truly happened to you. To tell her what he had done to you, all because you had turned him down when he'd asked you out on a date.
"Oh let me guess, you had a stomach ache, you had a headache, your feelings were hurt! You hurt your leg! That might have been good excuses when you were on the beat, kid but you're in SVU now! These ridiculous excuses don't cut it here! Do you have any idea how it makes me look to the Chief when you've only been here for two months and you've only shown up for four weeks worth of work! He's been laying into me for the last two weeks Y/N!! Get it together, grow the hell up or leave!" Olivia snarls at you and your stomach does knots, you knew that you should've just told her the truth from the get go and now she will never believe you.
"Olivia... I'm sorry! It's not like that... please just let me..." You begin to talk again but she just cuts you off with a dismissive wave and a coldness that you'd never seen before, it made you feel physically sick and heartbroken. You didn't know how you were going to get back into her good graces.
"I've already heard enough, Detective. You've taken up enough of my time, if we weren't so short staffed then I would've transferred you out now. Oh, by the way... it's Captain. Now get out." She said icily, not even bothering to look at you anymore. You nod slightly and leave the room, your eyes filling with tears. It was only downhill from here.
Coming back round to the present, it had been 5 months since that talk with Olivia and it had been awful. She had never ever let it go, she was still cold towards you and never showed you the same affection as she did to the others. In some ways you understood; you had given up, you were flaky, angry and upset... also lashing out most days because you couldn't understand why she wouldn't listen! You began to work on your files, maybe if you got all your paperwork done then maybe she might give you a compliment or treat you the way she does everyone else. However, when you hear the banter coming from everyone else as they head back in you know that isn't ever going to happen.
"Oh here's the weak link! Glad to see you've finally showed up!" Nick smirked and rolled his eyes, walking past you and knocking your paperwork flying off of the desk. Olivia just walked past without saying anything, she ignored your tear filled eyes and hurt expression. This was worse than being at high school! Would they ever let this go? Would they ever be kind to you?!
"That looks sloppy, Detective Y/N. Do it again... a 5 year old could've done a better job!" Olivia shouted at you in the middle of the Squad room. At this point, you've had enough... yeah, you were in the wrong for lying about your time off. However, it was 6 months ago! Why were they all so angry when actually they had no idea as to what had happened to you.
"Yeah, well maybe you should go hire one then!" You snarl and stand up, standing toe to toe with Olivia. Yes, you were angry but actually all you wanted was a hug and for someone to listen! Because no one was listening to you, everyone just laughed or ignored you entirely! Amanda, Nick and Fin gasped slightly and Olivia whirled around and laid into you.
"Get to my office, now! You three get on with some work!" She spoke kindly to them but treated you awfully. You stare daggers at her but your eyes fill with tears, that seems to shock her and make the others look slightly uncomfortable. Olivia quickly delegates tasks to the other three so that they're out of the way. She stares at you and you glance down at the floor, wrapping your arms protectively around yourself in a hug. It's only when she sees you doing that and rocking yourself back and forth in a self soothing way that she realises just what she's put you through.
"Y/N?" She whispers tenderly and tilts your face up, beginning to get alarmed when you flinch away from her and knock your files off of the desk. She knows that she's screwed up, she knows that she's been way too hard on you. Olivia looks at you properly and she can see the pain in your eyes, she feels so guilty; she allowed the others to pick on you, she'd allowed you to be victimised! Hell, she'd been the cause of most of this... if only she'd let it go and been kinder to you. Then she hears you speak and it breaks her heart, what the hell has she done!
"Please don't hurt me... I'll do better please!" You remove your hands from your body and protect your head and face, ready for the blows that you thought were coming. Instead Olivia gently pulls you into her arms and you stiffen for a moment, before you wrap your arms around her middle and sob.
"Come on, sweetheart. Let's have a chat in my office... come on!" She whispered lovingly and took you inside, closing the door behind you both. She looked down at you and her heart began to throb, especially when she felt you snuggle against her chest.
"No one's listening... no one is helping me! I'm sorry that I screwed up Olivia but I couldn't tell you! I lied about why I was off but..." you trail off and let out a small squeak when she sits you on her knee, cradling your head to her chest. This was beginning to feel nice, especially when Olivia stroked your hair and pressed a small kiss to your forehead.
"I'm listening honey, I'm listening now. I am so fucking sorry! I've held a grudge and have been really cruel, I'm so sorry kiddo. I was so in the wrong!" She whispered and cradled you close to her whilst you cried, she handed you some tissues and looked down at you. She was suddenly filled with this instinct to protect you and keep you safe.
"No one's listening to me... everyone just shouts and calls me names! No one listens... no one listens!" You repeat over and over again and Olivia's heart breaks; she knows that you're right! She hadn't listened to you when you tried to talk to her, she hadn't stopped the others from giving you grief either and it was only now that she could see it and she hated herself.
"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I've really messed up here! Try to take a deep breath... I'm here and I'm listening. I've got you and I'm not leaving you... come on darling!" Olivia kissed your forehead again and whispered words of love and comfort, you lay your head in the crook of her neck and hiccup.
"I was hurt really badly by someone that I thought was my friend. He uh... he uh..." You stutter and Olivia cuddles you to her chest, feeling even more guilty. You'd tried to tell her but she was so angry that she hadn't listened, she didn't think that she would ever forgive herself.
"It's ok, shhh shhh. You're ok... it's ok! Just let it all go, that's it sweetie!" She cooed and tightened her arms around you whilst you sobbed on her shoulder. She kept stroking your hair and you clung to her, burying your face into her perfumed neck.
"I'm sorry!" You wept anxiously and Olivia holds you at arms length, gently wiping your tears away with her thumb. She leaned back and pulled you down with her, laying you on her chest and rubbing your back as you hiccup.
"No Y/N, I'm sorry. I was so angry because I knew you were lying about those sicknesses, but I didn't think to check on you or find out why you were lying to me. Instead, I helped make things even harder for you and turned the workplace into somewhere that was unsafe. Is there anyway that you can forgive me? I am so sorry honey!" Olivia whispered and you nodded, you wanted to forgive her and to feel safe; you hadn't felt safe in years. She kept you cuddled against her chest for hours, soothing you whilst you broke down and trembled in her arms.
"It's ok..." Olivia soothed, gently pressing kisses to your forehead and wiped your tears away. She reached for a warm blanket and wrapped it around your body, keeping you safe and warm. You close your eyes and you feel her stroke your hair and reassure you with comforting words.
"Just get some rest, love. You're ok now... it's safe and I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going to leave you ever again!" She whispered softly and kissed your cheek, feeling so guilty that she had been so awful to you. You stay awake for as long as you can, only starting to drift off when she strokes your cheek with her thumb and whispering to you.
"I've got you honey, you're safe!" She cooed and that's the last thing that you heard before you drift off to sleep, getting more sleep now than you had in the whole time that all this had been going on.
Around 6 hours had passed since you had fallen asleep on Olivia's chest and you were half expecting her to have left you. But to your surprise she had stayed the entire time! You open your eyes properly and she smiled gently at you.
"Hey you!" She sat up and cradled you to her as though you were a child, giving you all the affection that you'd not had from her or anyone else for that matter.
"Hi Liv..." You snuggle into her more whilst you're still half asleep. She rubs your right cheek with her thumb and rocks you back and forth, desperately trying to make up for how badly she screwed up over the last few months.
"Y/N... I wanted to ask you and it's ok if you don't want to tell me, but what happened with the man who hurt you? I should've listened back then when you were trying to tell me! But I'm listening now..." She said soothingly and you bite your lip, this is your chance!
"Well H/N and I had been best friends since kindergarten. I mean we were so close, we did everything together and he was like my brother! I always trusted him and I felt so safe with him... I never once thought that he could hurt me!" You take a shaky breath and hiccuped softly, burying your face into Olivia's chest whilst she cooed sweet nothings into your ear and told you that everything was going to be ok; that you were safe here.
"Over time when we were like 22 or something he began to get weird... nothing that I could pinpoint exactly but he was just strange. So I kept my distance and then I moved out here so I didn't seem him again until that night. He texted me and said he was in the city and asked if he could come over, I missed my friend and it's not like I had any here so..." You trailed off and Olivia felt such huge guilt; even before that night they'd not made a real effort to connect with you, you were the newest rookie and everyone else had been here for at least 10 years or more. All she could think was maybe if they'd made more of an effort that you wouldn't have been hurt. She let you continue to talk, assuring that you knew she was listening to you.
"So I let him come over and at first he was the same guy that I remembered all those years ago, it was nice. We watched a couple movies, ate pizza and had a few beers... it reminded me of when we were both in college!" You laugh bitterly and Olivia could see that you were trying to deflect from the situation. She cocooned you up in the blanket and held you close to her chest, rocking you gently as though you were a small child and not a 25 year old Detective.
"It's ok... I know it's hard. You're being so damn brave... I'm listening, I'm here little one..." Olivia's voice got caught in her throat as she said all of this, you were only a kid... at least in her eyes you were and now when she looked down at you as you sobbed in her arms, she can't believe that she was so cruel to you!
"He uh... he tried to kiss me on the mouth and I told him no, that he was my friend and like a brother to me! That I didn't like him like that... he slapped me and he ripped my shirt off me, he told me that I should enjoy it because... because that's all that I'm good for. He grabbed me and he forced his... he made me..." You burst into tears and Olivia pulled you in tighter, gently kissing your forehead.
"Did he... did he rape you?" She whispered and frowned like a concerned Mama when you laughed bitterly, you were on the verge of hysteria and Olivia just stroked your face. She was beginning to get even more protective of you now.
"Depends on what you mean Liv... he didn't hurt me between my legs with his penis but... he used his fingers down there. He forced his penis into my mouth and he finished inside of my mouth! Once he got what he wanted he beat me so badly and he bit my breasts! He then tied me up and put a towel over my mouth and waterboarded me... I thought I was going to die!! I couldn't fight back... I couldn't get away and then by some miracle he left and I managed to get free but I was so embarrassed!" You sobbed and hid your face back into Olivia's chest, you felt so dirty and unclean. Olivia was furious both at him and herself! If only she'd listened and had been a safe space at the time then maybe you wouldn't have had to go through all this alone.
"Y/N that is rape and sexual assault; you did not consent for him to do that! I am so fucking sorry for not being there and for being so horrible to you... you've been going through hell all this time! I am going to kill him for this, sweetheart! Have you told your family? Please tell me that you've not had to keep this all in to yourself?" Olivia whispered and her heart sunk when you just looked down, so ashamed and embarrassed.
"I don't have anyone to tell Liv... my mom is a lawyer and was never home. I barely know her if I'm honest, we were more like roommates and I raised myself pretty much and as for my dad..." You begin to talk, feeling so comforted by Olivia even though this morning you couldn't stand each other.
"He was in and out of my life, making promises to me that he never kept. He'd be here almost love bombing me really and then just you know... well anyway, he probably would've told me that I was asking for it! I have no one Olivia, they don't care about me and no one does!" You hiccup anxiously and Olivia rubs your back gently and kisses your nose, now feeling more maternal towards you than any of the others!
"Honey... why didn't you tell me all of this? Why did you make up those excuses?" She rocked you back and forth which helped you to start opening up, she lovingly caressed your hair and in this moment she was being the Mom you had needed your whole life!
"Because I was ashamed, I couldn't verbalise what had happened straight away and to be honest I just wanted to pretend that it didn't happen. If he hadn't injured me so badly then I would've just come in the day after it had happened, but I wouldn't have been able to explain the injuries away!" You admit and looked down at your lap, until Olivia tilts your chin up and nuzzled your nose.
"You're the bravest person I know... I'm going to get you help, I'm going to help you get better... where've you been staying honey?" Olivia said softly and you blush slightly, her frown began to deepen when you tell her and she's so angry with herself.
"In my car... I couldn't ever go back there! Not after..." you cuddle back into her and she stroked your hair, her throat tightening as she thinks about you having to fend for yourself, being frightened and alone... it was mostly her fault and she was kicking herself.
"Honey... I have a spare room and you're coming home with me. No way are you living in your car for one more night, ok? We are going to help you and get you better and I'll speak to the others as well... obviously it's your choice as to whether you tell them what's happened but I won't let them pick on you and treat you badly again!" She cooed and you were just so tired and you felt safe so you sink back into her embrace and drift off to sleep again, desperately trying to catch up on all the sleep that you've missed out on over the last 6 months. Unbeknownst to you that during the time that you were asleep, Olivia had texted each and every one of the other Detectives and explained how you'd been going through hell and any bullying, victimising and gossiping would not be tolerated and there would be severe consequences if they were caught picking on you again.
Once you'd woken up again Olivia had stroked your face and kept you cradled in her arms, not letting you out of her sight.
"Would you like to go home now, sweetie?" She whispered and you nodded, letting out a small squeak when she just picked you up like a child and walked out of her office. As it was so late Nick, Amanda, Fin, Carisi and Elliot were back and seeing you and Olivia like this made their stomach's knot; they knew you must've been through something for Olivia to be like this. Nick came over to you and you tightened your arms around Olivia's neck.
"I'm sorry that I was such a dick before, I had no right to judge you... can we be friends?" Nick whispered, almost taking on a brotherly tone of voice and you nod softly; all you'd wanted was for them to like you and it seemed like that was the way it was going now. Both Elliot and the rest apologised too and you finally felt at ease, they were going to be there for you and you finally had your friends back. Olivia took you out of the Precinct and sat with you in the car, she had learned a valuable lesson today and so had you! You learnt that you should tell the truth the first time and she'd learnt not to jump to conclusions and to dig a little deeper if something didn't feel right. But you were all the better for it now.
"Come on, Y/N let's get you home!" Olivia cooed and you nodded, a very small smile gracing your face. Home... yeah, you liked the sound of that. In just a day you'd gone from no family or friends to gaining the most protective family that you've ever had and you couldn't be happier.