Only One in the Room- chapter 4
Angela throughly enjoyed the rest of lunch with her family. She loved seeing the newly renovated nursery. With the exception of their great-grandson Charlie, born to Samantha and Hank's oldest daughter last year, there hadn't been a baby in the family since Jonathan and Tom's twins were born. She was finally starting to allow herself to get excited about the newest addition to the family.
Throughout the week, she started planning for Jonathan's visit to the house. A long time ago, they opted to have a housekeeper come to the house a few times a week to do the basic cleaning and upkeep of the house. They had gone through many housekeepers since Tony officially retired his broom, but none of them lasted more than a few years before moving on. She contacted her current one, a lovely young woman named Rosa and requested extra service of the home the following week to get the place into a presentable shape.
By the time the group time came around, Angela had a renewed purpose and with it a new motivation and energy. She was excited to see Jonathan and his family, who she hadn't seen since the funeral. The pandemic had brought a few positive changes with the use of Zoom so they could see each other more often, but it wasn't the same as being able to wrap her arms around them all.
Robert wasn't able to come to today's session but promised he would go with Jonathan the following week. She opted to stop at the cemetery first before the group, bringing her usual bouquet of flowers. She looked over at the grave next to the one she placed the flowers on and placed two flowers from the bouquet at the headstone.
"Hi Daddy… Mother…. I know it's been almost a week since I've been back here. It's definitely been the longest time I've been away. Time just seemed to get away from me this week with all the planning for Jonathan's visit. I'm so excited to see Jonathan and his family. I haven't been excited about something in… oh I can't remember. It feels so nice… until I remember… Anyway, Anna came with me to the group last week and Robert and Jonathan will come with me next week, so today I'm going solo… I better head out now so I'm not late. Oh before I forget, the gravestones should be ready in a week or two. I hope you like what we chose to add… I will see you all in a few days" she said as she walked back to her car and drove to the center.
She decided to stop on the way for donuts for the group and brought them inside. The group enjoyed the food and each other's company before the group began. Angela found herself engaged in conversation with Val and Julia from the group, each sharing some of the updates from the past week with one another. They ended up exchanging phone numbers with promises of keeping in touch. Kelly soon brought the group together to start.
"Welcome back everyone! I hope you were able to have a good week. I'll open up the floor to anyone who wants to share about anything on their minds- successes, struggles, breakthroughs… the space is yours" said Kelly.
"I can't shake this feeling like my head is in the clouds. It's like traveling down a road at night in the fog. I can't seem to remember anything short term- where I put my keys, my phone- it's like information can't stay in my brain…" shared one of the men.
"That's very common to experience after a loss. It's called brain fog and it is basically what you are describing. This happens when your brain thinks the loss is a trauma and basically conserves it's energy to try and heal. Grief consumes the brain's functions, which leaves little room for things like your short term memory. It's also why you can lack energy, motivation and you can even get sick often because your immune system can stop working. Thankfully as we continue the healing journey, this phenomenon lessens over time" said Kelly.
"Right after it happened, I couldn't function. The simplest tasks were too much. I'd lose everything from my phone to my purse to my glasses. After a while, I even went to my doctor to make sure everything was alright because it was starting to scare me" said Angela.
"It's always a good idea to refer to your doctor whenever there is something off with either your physical or mental health, just to be sure. It can be so scary when things like this happen to us, but usually there is a reason and it's temporary" said Kelly.
"Kelly… when… when does it start to get better, to not hurt so much?" said Angela as she wiped away tears.
"There's no timeframe for grief, for the pain you are feeling. Grief will be with you forever- it doesn't get smaller but rather life gets bigger around us. That sharp pain that we feel in the beginning slowly begins to dull but we can still have moments years later that feel just as painful as the day it happened. All we can do is remember we are human and we will have both good days and bad ones. Lean on your positive supports and use your positive copings skills on the bad days" said Kelly.
The rest of the group was spent with the other people sharing their stories and experiences. Angela was taken aback at just how supportive everyone was- there was no judgment cast to those who seemed to be struggling longer than society had pigeonholed to be acceptable. She couldn't imagine a time where her heart would feel anything but like a shattered piece of glass, but seeing people who had worked on themselves and figured out ways to forge a path forward gave her a renewed sense of hope.
She headed out of the building and got into her car. She thought about what Kelly had said about self-care and using her positive coping skills. She decided she'd take her up on the idea and headed to the local salon and spa at the country club to see about getting herself a manicure and pedicure. She pulled into the familiar parking lot at the club and got out, allowing the valet to park her car.
She headed to the main desk and went to book her appointments. She noticed a sign on the desk for a special deal. A facial, massage, manicure and pedicure all in one for a reasonable price. She was able to book her appointments for the afternoon. As she was about to head in for the massage and facial, a familiar voice called out to her from down the hallway.
"Angela! Angela! How are you?" asked Diane Wilmington as she came up to Angela, throwing her arms around her in a tight, awkward embrace. Angela wondered why tragedy seemed to give people the right to invade your personal space anytime they wanted to. She awkwardly hugged her back as she tried to make small talk as quick as possible and head to her massage.
"Hi Diane. I'm doing okay thank you. I opted for a little self care today… decided on the spa package. I'm actually heading for a massage now…" said Angela as she tried to walk away. Diane reached over and put her hand on Angela's forearm, stopping her from leaving.
"My husband and I just got back from our four month vacation all around Europe. I had meant to stop by before we left but… you know… I'm just so sorry Angela. I can't even imagine the pain you all are going through. Is there anything I can do to help?" asked Diane.
"Thank you Diane but there's really nothing anyone can do. We are all just trying to get through this, one day at a time. Some days are better than others. I'm really sorry but they are waiting for me…" said Angela as she gave her a quick hug and started walking away.
"I'll try and stop by in a few days. I'll bring a casserole!" said Diane as she walked off towards the exit. Once Diane was out of sight, Angela let out a not so quiet laugh at the thought of yet another casserole taking up space in the refrigerator. If she never ate another casserole, lasagna or baked ziti dish, it would be fine by Angela. She found the room for the massage and headed in.
By the time she was finished with her appointments, she felt like a new person. The massage felt as though it was relieving decades worth of stress and tension built up in her neck and shoulders from only the past six months. She made a mental note to schedule another spa date in about a month, maybe seeing if they have a maternity package for Anna.
When she got home, she pulled out her list of things to do before Jonathan's visit and put it on the refrigerator. She had done a few things on the list but knew she had to wait for help for some of the others. She grabbed an apple from the counter and headed into the living room. While she and Tony had made some upgrades over the years, the main layout remained the same. A flood of memories came back to her as she looked around. She could almost hear the childlike laughter of Samantha and Jonathan running down the stairs to go ice skating or the image of her mother coming down the stairs for her college prom, her much younger date waiting with his fraternity brothers at the door. She could smell the hundreds of bouquets of pink roses Tony spent so many years buying for 'the house' until they finally got together and the poorly disguised rouse was up. What she wouldn't give to come home to a freshly cut bouquet of flowers waiting for her on the table. She was about to head into her study to read or go through bills, when she heard someone coming down the stairs.
"Hey Grandma!" said Nicholas, Hank and Samantha's middle child. Last year after his college graduation, he asked them if he could move in with them for a few months to get his feet in the ground. Almost eighteen months later and he was still in Tony's old bedroom.
"Hi sweetheart! How was your day? Work go alright?" she asked.
"It was work… it's a paycheck at this point. Anyway… I was thinking about making some dinner. You interested? Whenever I make one of Grandpa's recipes, it always makes enough for an army!" he chuckled. Nicholas was the spitting image of Hank except when he laughed. It was like seeing Tony smiling back at her and she had to take a deep breath to steady herself.
"That… that sounds wonderful. I was just going to head into my study for a bit and catch up on some paperwork but I'll be done by the time dinner is ready. Maybe call or text Uncle Robert and see if he wants to join us" said Angela as she leaned over and pushed some fallen hair from his face.
"Will do Grandma…" he said as he made his way into the kitchen. Angela grabbed a bunch of bills and other paperwork from the front desk and walked into the study. She sat down at her desk and opened up her laptop to check her emails. She and Tony had moved into the digital era and had set up all of their banking and billing online. After paying a few monthly bills, she closed her laptop and started opening the mail.
A large envelope caught her eye as she read the name- Jacob and Lawson Law Firm. Her heart was caught in her throat as she held the envelope in her hands. All the tension she had felt leave her body after the massage came flooding back into her body. She slowly opened up the envelope. She read the letter, the words litigation, settlement, and court case, jumping off the paper. There were return addresses and phone numbers listed but the words began to blur on the page as her tears started to fall. She knew she had to face this consequence to that horrible day at some point, but seeing it in writing today, took her right back to that day.
She found herself losing control, that lump in her throat getting bigger and bigger, her heart racing. It was suddenly very hard to breathe- she recognized the signs of a panic attack immediately but it was still something that jarred her each and every time. She tried to focus on her breathing as her therapist recommended but the feeling seemed to overtake every part of her body. Finally, after what seemed like hours but was in reality only a few minutes, the panic attack subsided, leaving her utterly exhausted.
Once she felt like she could function again, she grabbed the letter and the other mail and shoved it into her desk drawer. She took a couple of deep breaths and headed out of her office. She needed some form of comfort, so she headed upstairs and took the hottest shower she could stand, just letting the hot water run down her body. The water helped her get in control of her body again and soon she felt back to normal.
She got out of the shower and started to get dressed again. She knew she didn't want to put on pajamas as it was only late afternoon, but nothing seemed right. Finally, she went into Tony's closet and pulled out a well worn Cardinals t-shirt and Mets zip down sweatshirt. She grabbed a pair of her jeans and socks and took a quick glance at herself in the mirror. His cologne overwhelmed her senses and for a moment she felt comforted. She tried to hold onto the memory but soon it was gone, leaving her standing there empty and alone.