Chapter 7 - Carnelion IV

Author's Note: More with Anakin and Kolara. :)

~ Amina Gila

The Council, it seems, never approves of Obi-Wan's plans. That's nothing new. What surprises him is that it's Master Windu who eventually agrees, so off he and his master and Rex are, on Carnelion IV. The Separatists invaded, predictably, and have seized the planet by force. The circumstances are a bit complicated, so they have to sneak in and train the people to fight for themselves.

They know how to fight already, but they need to teach them to be efficient against droids.

Anakin was more than happy to agree when Kolara commed him with the request in the first place. The... only minor issue arising is that their moments on Carlac together are coming back full force now that he's seeing her again. It isn't that he forgot about it, but he's had more time to accept it, and sometimes...

He wants a life outside war. He wants someone. A future. A family.

Maybe the true problem isn't that. Maybe it's just that he wants her.

Obi-Wan does not look happy about it. He keeps side-eyeing Anakin when he doesn't think he's looking, jaw clenched, and Anakin doesn't understand. He wanted Anakin to have friends when he was younger, before the war, but it never worked out.

Obi-Wan has broken the Code before. Why would he be upset about this? Something that... makes Anakin happy? Or could, because right now, it's just freaking him out.

"What's wrong?" Anakin demands of him finally once they end up off to the side, temporarily alone enough to talk. He doesn't want to confront it head-on like this, but Obi-Wan is upset, and he wants to understand before anything... changes.

"You're distracted," Obi-Wan replies.

Anakin blinks. "I – yeah," he admits, "A little, but that's not it, is it?" He often struggles with staying focused, or at least Obi-Wan always says he does. He tries to focus, but he's always so worried about his friends dying. About failing them.

"I will not be able to remain here to see this mission through," he replies, "We are needed on the fronts. Will you be able to handle this alone?"

As if that's even a choice? Anakin can never say no to an order, any order, no matter what it is, unless it's something good and truly out of line, but the Jedi would never ask him to do something he shouldn't do. "If that's what needs to be done, Master, I'll do it. I'll be fine."

"I am aware you believe in yourself," Obi-Wan responds, "And that is a good thing, but that is not what I am asking."

"I know this planet. These people," Anakin replies firmly, "They need our help."

"That is what I fear," Obi-Wan replies.

Anakin blinks at him, a little hurt and confused. "Being a Jedi always comes first, remember?" That's one thing he's always been told and understands. He can't back out when he's needed here.

"I know," Obi-Wan responds, "But if it comes down to it, I must know which choice you will make."

His mother always told him he could do anything, that he could be anything his heart led him to. Anakin hasn't heard it in so long, but he still remembers. "I'll do whatever I think is right." Anakin's sixteen now. He's been Obi-Wan's padawan for seven years, and his master still doesn't trust him. It hurts probably more than it should.

"I am aware," Obi-Wan sighs.

Anakin watches him, just staring, not really sure what to say. So much about his relationship with his master is complicated. Always has been, and he feels lost. He doesn't want Obi-Wan to worry, and he can reassure him the same way he always did his mom when something was dangerous or tense or... but this is different.

"Remain focused on the present," Obi-Wan instructs at last, "That is more important than anything. And you cannot fight their war for them."

That's the one part Anakin does find tricky, but he understands he can't always interfere. Not under these circumstances. "I know, Master." He'll try. This whole thing is a test run, after all.

**w**

It's nighttime when Obi-Wan comms Anakin to check in on that status. All things considered, it's going well. The Separatists know of Jedi involvement, but that was bound to happen eventually.

To tell the truth, Anakin didn't understand what his master meant about focusing until he and Kolara were fighting together against the approaching droids that he realized. She's a friend, and there's a part of him that wants to count her as family, and that means he'll protect her over... everyone else.

But that's not what he's supposed to do. Not as a Jedi.

And after – after Umbara, that's what Anakin needs to do.

"Anakin, remember what I told you about staying focused?" Obi-Wan queries.

"It's... my responsibility to put the many over the few," Anakin repeats, "I know. It's just..."

"If you can't handle it and we need to recall you, I could use you on the fronts."

"I'm fine," Anakin argues instantly, because not being here would be so much worse. It would hurt to be far away when Kolara could die at any given moment, and Anakin would have no idea. He wouldn't be able to help her or any of them then. "I – I can do it, Master."

Obi-Wan doesn't look convinced. He never does. He's always been pessimistic, and that's not really something Anakin wants right now. He misses Rex, but he's still where he needs to be. "If you are confident," he concedes reluctantly, "I will trust your judgment."

Not as though he has any other choice, so the point is moot, but still. Anakin doesn't even know why it stings. "Thank you," he mutters, arms crossed.

For a few minutes of awkward quiet, Obi-Wan just watches him. "What's the outlook?" he queries finally, "Do you think it will work?"

"I'll make sure it will," Anakin promises – they don't have a choice. The Republic can't always fight battles for everyone. They don't have the resources, or ability.

"Very well," Obi-Wan agrees, "I believe you will."

Anakin nods a little mindlessly, listening but not really believing. He doesn't want to believe that. He just feels... empty somehow. He doesn't might fighting, but Anakin still wants there to be an end to it. He wants something more than the Order, and he misses his mother.

The others are celebrating in the background over their first minor win, and Anakin just feels left out. This isn't his fight – his is far greater, and he just...

If Obi-Wan is angry at him, he wishes he'd just say so and stop hiding it. Anakin couldn't even blame him. He's angry at himself, too. "If I... did something that upset you, I'm sorry."

Obi-Wan sighs. "I'm not upset at you, Anakin. I'm merely concerned."

Certainly didn't sound like it. "I... I know, but you know I can do this." Anakin doesn't believe in himself most of the time, but that's never been enough to stop him, because he always has to try. Maybe he'll never succeed, but he'll try.

Obi-Wan's expression is tight when he looks at him, but it soothes over a little bit. "I know you are capable," he acknowledges.

"It's less dangerous for me here than out on the field," Anakin points out, "But... how are things out there? How are Rex and the boys?" That, at least, is something they'll make him feel better. He needs to know.

"We're progressing," Obi-Wan replies, "But it could be better."

"Could be worse," Anakin shrugs, "I'm sure I'll be back before you know it."

**w**

Anakin and Kolara move through the streets alone together, keeping an eye on the people. They need to know their reactions, to see how they feel about it.

None of them want the Separatists here. Not after what they've done to their planet.

They're buying some food as they drop by, just to help cover. They're in a market, and they have to look like they belong.

"You seem calmer here," Kolara remarks.

"Sometimes, I like the reminder of what it is we fight for," Anakin replies, "Of exactly what it is we're protecting. I've spent so much time in the war, and the rest at the Temple. It's easy to forget."

"What's it like?" she queries, looking at him from beneath her hood. "Isn't that lonely?"

"I'm close with my men," Anakin shrugs, "I've never had any friends except them since I left Tatooine."

"That definitely sounds lonely."

"Maybe a little bit." It is, but that's true about all Jedi to a point. None of them are close with each other, and it's not something Anakin could fathom when he first came. "Sacrifices have to be made for the good of others. That's what it means to be a Jedi. What about you?"

"I have friends," she answers, "The other children with me when you came here the first time, and many others. Lux is still in hiding on Onderon. The Separatists haven't caught up with him yet."

He's something of a brother to her. Anakin wishes he had a younger sibling, or a sibling at all. The clones are in their own right, no doubt there, but he wants something a little... more. Maybe it's just that he wants a sister, too.

"Well, as long as he's safe," Anakin replies, turning a fruit over in his hands, just to act busy. He's really not – he's on guard, and there are battle droids not too far off, but they have to be discrete.

"Yeah," she agrees, "I miss him sometimes, and we don't have much time to talk, but he's safe. After the war ends, we'll be fine."

Anakin's heart does this weird fluttery sort of thing, but Obi-Wan told him to stay focused, and that's what he'll do. "Do you ever think about after?"

"All the time," Kolara confesses, "And I don't know what it'll mean. Things will change. A lot of things."

"They will," Anakin concurs, "I don't know what it will mean." He wants it to be over, but that doesn't always guarantee good.

"Come on," Kolara says, touching his wrist, "Let's not look like we're buying the whole store. Time to go."

Anakin laughs. "Let's go."

They pick out a few fruits before they leave, dropping the food off at their holdout before climbing to the top of the mountain overlooking the valley.

"I remember coming here last time," Anakin remarks wistfully.

"So much has changed since," Kolara agrees, "Sometimes, it's hard to believe we're the same people."

"We haven't changed that much," Anakin objects.

Kolara's head lightly rests on his shoulder, and Anakin reaches for her hand. "It feels like a lifetime ago, but... we're still the same."

The friendship they formed never changed, not really, and Anakin desperately hopes it never will. He doesn't want to lose someone else, and she's the first person he's had outside the Order since his mother. Padme doesn't count. She's a friend, but she's also a politician. Anakin makes a sound of agreement, pressing his cheek to her hair, and for the moment, letting go. He feels safe. At peace. Contented, for the first time in a long while. He misses the times when Obi-Wan wasn't too reluctant to hug him if he needed it. Not that he is now, just... Anakin's gotten more hesitant at asking.

But still.

He feels safe, and he knows Kolara is safe – he'd do anything to protect her here.

"Do you know what you want after?" Anakin asks finally, because even if it's a weird question, he just... "A... a family?"

"I don't know," Kolara admits, "I think about it sometimes, but that's so far away. We're sixteen now, and we have no idea when the war will end. But maybe after, I... I do want a family eventually. I've never really had one myself."

It's ridiculous how relieved he feels by that. really. That doesn't mean she wants him. And Anakin's a Jedi. That would never work. "I'm a Jedi," Anakin says, "So, technically, I can never have that, but sometimes, I think about it, anyway."

"Is it what you want?"

"I don't know. Yes. Someday. It sounds – terrifying, but that's what I want. To be able to pass on what I am, what my mother is. My mother never had any siblings. Nor did I. I want our family to live on."

"Then maybe... it can?"

"Maybe."

Anakin throws a glance at her again, almost wondering if she feels the same, but it – no. Doesn't matter. Kolara is right. They're sixteen. That's young.

They're together right now, and that's all he can ask for, isn't it?

**w**

Carnelion IV had many tight moments, but they won. Anakin can't even say how elated he is by that. He was so, so afraid that it wouldn't, but here they are. It's all over, and they made it.

Saying goodbye to Kolara hurts, though. He knows he'll see her again – he can feel it, and that she'll be important to him in the future – but it's still hard. He feels more at peace though, ready to get back into the war, and for once, with some hope of an end.

He wants it to end, to all be over so they can push onwards and make a better life for everyone.

At this point, he doesn't even know how he could see her again – their planet is still stubbornly remaining neutral, despite all that's happened.

Obi-Wan looks almost relieved to be picking him up. Everything feels normal now, but eventually, Anakin just asks. He's tired of wondering. "Master, what were you so upset about?" he demands.

"It wasn't about the mission," he replies, "I know you're capable."

"Then what?"

"It's about the girl. Kolara."

Anakin raises an eyebrow at him, a little mind blown. "I know what I feel, but it doesn't matter. I'm a Jedi, Obi-Wan. And I'm needed here."

"And she is not," he replies, "The chances of her dying, being caught in the crossfire is high."

He doesn't want to think about that. "I know, but she's fine, Master. We're all fine." It was hard, and terrifying at times, but they made it. He hadn't been able to protect so many of his friends, but he protected her.

"What if you weren't?"

There's a sharpness in his voice, something that Anakin can't make sense of now any more than he ever has. "Master, why are you so certain that something would happen to her? Rex fights on the field all the time. Why – what's wrong?" He's frustrated now, and Anakin doesn't know how to make Obi-Wan open up to him.

Obi-Wan settles back in his seat, jaw clenching as he stares out the viewport into the swirls of hyperspace. "I know how easily it could happen," he answers stonily.

Anakin senses the downwards spiral of his emotions, and he reaches out to take his master's hand. Obi-Wan twitches a little, but he doesn't pull away. This is another one of the things about Obi-Wan he never understands, but it's still a part of him, and Anakin will always be there when he needs him. Nothing can take them apart. He's certain of that.

"Many years ago," Obi-Wan relates finally, "I... fought in a war. I knew someone there. She was... close to me. I called for help, but the Council left us there. My master... died there."

Anakin freezes, staring at him. "But –"

"Qui-Gon came later," Obi-Wan continues, "When he heard what happened, but it was too late. I already ended the war. He took me back to the Order, took me on as his padawan. I questioned my place in the order, but she was gone, and I had nowhere else to go."

"Force," Anakin breathes.

He doesn't know what to say to any of that.

So much about Obi-Wan makes sense now.

His master lost Qui-Gon, and that hurt him, but Obi-Wan's darkness, his wildness extends to something far greater than that. Far deeper, older, worse.

That's why he's upset about Kolara. It's not that he cares about Anakin breaking the Code. He was worried about Anakin. He didn't want him to be hurt by her dying. It's no wonder he's so terrified of losing Anakin.

Obi-Wan doesn't look much older than he did when Anakin first met him, though in moments like these, he just looks... old. Angry. Just minus the braid, and his hair is the tiniest bit longer. Barely, though.

Anakin pushes himself up, climbing halfway into his master's lap to hug him. Obi-Wan loops an arm around him, holding him close. Just this once, it feels like they really don't have anything to say.

"Being with her makes me think of why... why we fight," Anakin says, head resting on his master's shoulder. "What we're fighting for."

"Because there are still people who deserve family," Obi-Wan replies, hand pressed against his side. His voice sounds rough. It's more emotional than Anakin has seen in a long time.

"She fought so long she didn't even remember what she was fighting for," Anakin adds, "Sometimes, I'm afraid we're the same. I'm fighting for the Republic, but we... I mean, why? If people want to choose differently, they should have a chance."

"Running and hiding isn't the answer," Obi-Wan replies, "It changes nothing."

"It saves yourself," Anakin agrees, "It's selfish, but the point of the Senate is to think for the galaxy."

Kolara was so... kind to him. All of them were. Their planet has changed.

"I think we all forget," Anakin continues, "But their planet's recovering. Slow, but after so long... maybe there's some hope for the galaxy, after all."

Kolara had taken him to her room once everything was over. Now that she's allowed to think of something other than war, she's taking advantage of it. She's... an artist now. Her walls were painted light blue, a similar color to her hair, which Anakin and found hilarious. There were painting supplies everywhere.

There were drawings hanging from the walls all over. Drawings of light, of all colors and life, showing every bit how much she's moved on herself.

And that, that's what they fight for. So people can live. All those small, little things, that hold so much importance.

There was hope for her, a child born in war, to be something more. There's hope for all of them.

"Possibly," his master agrees grudgingly, "But there is much in the galaxy we have no control over."

Anakin nods against his shoulder. He understands that much, but he's not too afraid to hope. Everything in his life has been based on hope. That's what his mother taught him, and he doesn't know how to be any other way. Besides, one of them needs to stay positive.

It makes him wonder, though, if Obi-Wan's struggled to understand him, too. Anakin couldn't make sense of his master until now, and Obi-Wan knows everything he needs to know about Anakin's past, but there are still some things he can never put to words.

He can't describe being a slave to anyone, much less his master. Obi-Wan doesn't need to know those things. He'd be angry, and it's not important.

Maybe Anakin needs to try being a little more open with him, too.

"And," Obi-Wan supplies, shifting a little, "Maybe we can get up and have some tea."

Anakin laughs. "You have that on board?" Doesn't explain some of his master's obsessions, though.

"Everywhere I go."

"Do you carry it with you on the field, too?"

"Perhaps I should."

"Boring. Maybe we should have caf."

"Anakin, the last time you touched that Force-forsaken stuff, you spent half an hour trying to climb the same spot on the wall."

"... not the strangest thing I've done."

**w**

Anakin tried talking to Padme about Obi-Wan. Not that there's very much to talk about, but he still wanted to say it. He... feels freer now, though the topic of Kolara is still vibrating around in the back of his mind.

She found it more amusing than anything else, and he can see why, but that's not really what he needs. Anakin wants some sort of reassurance, not... this. It's not amusing. Nor does he need to be reminded of how he's a Jedi, and their duty is more important than anything else. It's something he already knows.

Instead, after, Anakin goes to Rex. Artoo doesn't have much to offer, and he already knows about the whole thing. Still makes Anakin feel better, though.

"I know our duty is more important than anything," Anakin says, "But sometimes, I... I don't know. I want to be more, and I know I shouldn't."

"More how?" Rex queries.

"It's not something I know how to explain," he confesses, "But Jedi... don't have families. That's what I want."

Rex is quiet for a few minutes. "You're right about it being difficult to understand," he admits, "I've always had my brothers. They're the only family I need or want."

Anakin nods, looking away. "It's not that I don't have people, I just..."

"You have us," Rex tells him with every bit of the passion he's ever shown.

"Yeah," he agrees, "You're my family, too."

"I wouldn't put it like that, but... yes," he concedes.

Anakin looks at him, a little confused. "Why not?"

"You're different," Rex explains slowly, "You're our commander. You're our kid, but you're more. You mean more than any of us."

"Don't say that," Anakin argues, gut flipping. "You're my brothers. The closest to it I've ever had."

"You weren't made to die," Rex objects, "Not like we were."

"You weren't," he objects, "We're the same. I'm one of you, or at least... I want to be." Rex is uncomfortable accepting it the same way, because to him, it means accepting that Anakin is expendable, too. But in truth, he is. Always has been. Always will be. And that's why he wants a family because he wants to mean something more to someone. To Obi-Wan. To Rex and his brothers. To – to someone else. "I know I'm not a clone, and I don't have the same... training or life, but family is about more than a genetic code. I mean, none of you are anything like your... donor. Or Boba."

Rex is watching him, something wistful in his expression. "It's about choice, then?"

"That's what I'm saying, yes." He wants that with Kolara, too – wants to get to call her a part of his family.

"Well, in that case," Rex replies, eyeing him. "Maybe that is what we are."

Anakin reaches for his hand, and Rex takes it – that's one way of affection the clones will never hesitate in. Anakin himself has always been inclined towards that. It's not overly intimate, and not something that requires an overwhelming level of trust or intimacy. And it's – it's something.

Anakin wants something outside of war, but that's a life all his brothers should have, too, and at least he can have something... inside the war. Something to keep him grounded, to keep moving. Something to fight and live for.

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