I was working on the final chapters of "Crib Confessions" and "Poker Face" but decided I needed a change of pace because I got stuck on both of them, so I wrote this short chapter. It's set in season 18, but none of the kids, canon significant others, or Frannie exist.

Also, I'm pretty sure no one got an email notification for this update, which is disappointing. I think this website is acting up again.

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Title: The Call

Genre: Angst/hurt/comfort

Rating: T

Season: 18

Episode: N/A

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She knows it's wrong.

It's nearly midnight and she shouldn't do it.

Her boss is likely sound asleep after a long, hard day at the precinct, and the last thing the lieutenant needs is for her slumber to be disrupted by a needy subordinate.

Amanda chews anxiously on her bottom lip as she stares down at the phone clenched in her sweaty fingers, struggling to make a decision. She finally settles on a compromise of sorts: she will call Olivia but pretend it was an accident. This way she can still hear the older woman's comforting voice but they'll only be on the phone for a minute while she feigns sheepishness at her silly mistake, and then Olivia can go back to sleep.

Somewhat satisfied with the choice she is making, Amanda slowly presses the portion of the screen with Olivia's name on it; the name she has been staring at for the past half hour. Holding her breath and cringing when the ringing starts, she almost loses her nerve and hangs up before Olivia can even answer, her heart pounding frantically inside her chest.

"Hello?"

Amanda is completely taken aback by the deep male voice on the other end of the line, overcome with confusion as her own voice fades in her throat instead of saying something in response. She has no idea who this person is, wondering if she has interrupted a date night; and if she has, why the hell this guy is answering Olivia's phone.

"Who is this? Where's Olivia?" The questions come out more harshly than she had intended, demanding rather than polite.

"Liv's just in the kitchen. Hold on a sec and I'll grab her for you." She can hear the clanging of dishes in the background and the chatter of cheerful voices, feeling a pang in her heart at this stranger's ease in Olivia's home and his use of her nickname.

"Never mind, I just called by mistake." Amanda ends the call abruptly before he can get Olivia's attention, but not until she hears the tinkling laughter of her boss, surprised by the infrequent yet lovely sound.

She tosses her phone onto the couch, her thoughts in turmoil as she crosses her arms over her chest and blows out a frustrated breath, at a loss on what to do now. Unsurprised when it rings not one minute later, Amanda winces with shame and regret when she glances over at the device and sees Olivia's name on the screen.

"Hello?" she says tentatively, after retrieving the phone from the cushions and almost dropping it on the floor in her nervousness.

"Rollins, sorry I missed your call. Is everything okay?"

"Didn't whoever that was tell you it was just an accident?" Amanda is irate when she speaks, despite knowing she has no right to be.

"He did, but I just wanted to be sure."

"Who is that? And why did he answer?" Amanda can't help asking, although she is aware that it's none of her business and she is intruding on Olivia's personal life.

"That's Rick. We've been seeing each other for awhile. I didn't know he was going to answer my phone." There is a playfully scolding note to Olivia's tone, followed by the sound of muffled laughter and an apology in the background.

A hollowness takes up residence in Amanda's chest, feeling strangely stung at the lighthearted interaction on the other end of the line, instead of happy that Olivia has found someone and isn't drowning in loneliness and despair like she is. Amanda is surprised that Olivia would just brush off someone else answering her phone, the emptiness growing as she figures this Rick guy must be pretty special for her to let that slide.

"Well, like I told your...boyfriend," Amanda stumbles over the word, nearly choking on it, "the call was just an accident. Sorry for interrupting. Good night, Liv."

Something in her tone must have pinged Olivia's radar because the other woman sounds gentle and concerned when she replies, no trace of irritation in her voice. "Wait, you don't have to hang up. You didn't interrupt anything, Amanda. We were just sitting here watching old sitcoms on TV, and I got up to make some popcorn. We haven't gone to bed yet."

Or had sex, Amanda mentally fills in the unspoken words, figuring that will happen soon after going to bed and wrinkling her nose in distaste at the thought of Olivia with anyone but her, especially a man. There is a growing ache in her heart as she can't help but wish she was the one snuggled up with Olivia in the late-night darkness, picturing the two of them cuddled under a blanket and chuckling contentedly at the goofy antics playing out on the screen as they munch on a bowl of popcorn, their fingers tangling together as they jokingly wrestle over the last kernel.

"Are you okay?"

Amanda is so lost in thought, it takes her a moment to realize Olivia is still speaking, the older woman repeating what she had asked a minute ago. "I'm fine, Liv." Her reply is flat, the answer so ingrained that it has become an automatic response to this type of question, perturbed that this situation has gone off the rails so fast.

"Then why don't I believe you?" Olivia has begun using what Amanda privately refers to as her "victim voice" and she is determined to shut this interaction down as soon as possible.

"Believe what you want, Liv." She makes sure to infuse a breezy, uncaring note into her tone. "It really was an accident." She pauses and clears her throat, trying to sound as casual as she can. "I don't have anything else to say."

"Why don't you start by telling me the real reason you called?"

Amanda has to stifle a sigh of resentment, chastising herself for thinking she could potentially get anything by Olivia without the other woman being able to spot the bullshit. Her boss' bullshit detector is finely honed at this point, decades at SVU turning her into an expert in this area and many others. Amanda must have been crazy to assume she would be able to get away with this so easily, aware that nothing is ever simple with Olivia, at least not when it comes to seeking the truth.

She is horrified to find her eyes suddenly welling with tears and blinks rapidly to rid herself of the offending drops, as if Olivia will somehow be able to see them. Gulping several times in quick succession, Amanda attempts to locate her voice as she opens her mouth to reply, but no sound emits from her trembling lips.

"Just take your time." Olivia seems to sense her impending breakdown, somehow knowing her detective is on the verge of tears, and Amanda surprises herself with the desperate urge to drive over to Olivia's apartment, wanting those comforting arms wrapped tightly around her to sooth away her sorrows.

"I...I don't know." Her response is honest; she really has no idea why she had felt so compelled to call the other woman, particularly this late at night.

It is everything and yet nothing; nothing specific, anyway. There is no exact feeling or event that she can point her finger to and say definitively that it is the reason she is drowning in despair; nothing distinct that is causing the overwhelming amount of hopelessness that permeates every single aspect of her life.

It could be anything: growing up in such dysfunctional family; the lingering trauma of Charles Patton's assault; the gambling addiction that still rears its ugly head every now and then to remind her that she will never be completely free of it; the suffering and depravity she deals with on a daily basis at SVU; the loneliness she has been struggling with for a long time, as well as the hidden feelings she has for her boss.

Maybe it's a mixture of every difficult facet of her life, her demons coming home to roost, and Amanda just can't handle it anymore. But whatever the actual reason is, there is a fierce longing for Olivia Benson that accompanies her melancholy, and it has never felt this acute before.

It disturbs Amanda to no end that she has such a profound need for another person to comfort her, especially since that other person is her superior who is now in a relationship. She has always prided herself on her inner strength and resiliency and her ability to be self-sufficient in all aspects of life, and doesn't understand why everything seems to be crumbling to the ground now.

"It's okay if you don't know." Once again, Olivia's soft, reassuring voice is breaking through her anguished and complicated thought process. "Sometimes we just need someone to talk to. And sometimes we just need to be reminded that we're not alone."

In spite of her best efforts, she can't hold them back this time, Amanda bursting into tears at Olivia's words, her sobs steadily increasing in intensity to an embarrassingly loud level. The older woman is speaking again but Amanda can't hear what she is saying now, the force of her own weeping smothering any other sound as her knees buckle and she collapses into a heap of misery on the couch.

"Amanda, listen to me, honey." Olivia's voice finally breaks through her forlorn cries, Amanda sniffling hard as she tries to get herself under control. "If it's okay with you, I'm going to come over."

A spark of hope bursts through her agony before Amanda guiltily stuffs it back down, immediately protesting the offer even though it's what she wants the most in this moment. "No, Liv, you don't have to do that. It's so late and you must be exhausted. I'm sorry for interrupting your date."

"You have nothing to apologize for," Olivia replies soothingly. "I'm not that tired and there will be other dates. You need someone right now and I can be there soon, if that's what you want. Just say the word."

A prolonged pause ensues while Amanda mulls over the older woman's proposal, knowing she should decline and deal with her issues on her own, like she usually does. But she is so sick of being alone, particularly on this strangely emotional night when everything seems to be crashing down around her, and the need for comfort eventually wins out over all the reasons she should say no, desperate to have Olivia here with her.

A tremulous smile pulls at Amanda's lips as she takes a deep breath and finally puts a voice to what she truly wants, allowing herself to be vulnerable for once. "Okay, Liv, please come over."