Author's note: Hi! Oh my gosh, I am so sorry to everyone that has followed and I've left hanging for the last couple of months! Life has been so extremely busy and I haven't found much time to write, but yesterday I just decided to take the day and keep working on this story! There will be more chapters to come, but I hope this one can get everyone back into the story! Thank you for everyone's continued support! :D - Auggie
tw: self harm / no major spanking in this chapter, just a few swats
chapter five
"F…Friday?" The young girl's voice stuttered. "Like th…this Friday?" She said horrified. Dean nodded and snuck a glance over at his brother. Shit, shit, shit. Rosie's mind began to spiral and she didn't acknowledge her growing panic attack until long after it started.
"Rosie…" Sam's voice slowly started to break through the fog clouding her mind. "Hey… I need you to take a breath for me." His hands were now resting on her shoulders.
The young girl was able to nod and attempted to catch her fast growing breathing. It took all she had, but somehow Rosie was able to stop any tears from breaking through. I need to be strong. The voice repeated over and over again in her mind. I need to be strong.
Suddenly, and almost like a light switch flipped in her head, Rose only had one thing on her mind — my knife. She thought. I need my knife.
Dean seemed to notice a very subtle shift in her demeanor. "Hey," He began, walking over to the table and kneeling next to his sister's chair. Taking one of his sister's hands into his own, Dean spoke softly, "Rosie, remember what I said earlier?"
Her eyes looked glazed and Dean could almost see the tears she was holding back. "What's that?" Rosie's voice was no more than a whisper.
Dean sighed sadly, "I said that my job is to protect you, even if that means from dad." He tried to smile. "He's not gonna do anything until we talk first. Okay kiddo?"
Rosie nodded numbly, listening only outwardly. I need my knife. The voice repeated again in her head, this time much more loudly. "Okay, Dean." She nodded, saying quietly.
Sam looked over at his brother with worry in his eyes, then focused his attention back at his sister. "Why don't you take a break for a little? We can watch a movie or something!" He tried to suggest something distracting.
Rosie looked down towards her legs, pulling her hands out from Dean's. "That's okay Sammy. Let me just finish this thought."
Dean repositioned his hand under her chin, lifting her head slightly so their eyes met. "Hey, it's gonna be okay Rosie. You trust me, right?"
She smiled sadly, wiping an invisible tear from her eye. "Yes bubba." Dean smiled and moved his hand away from her chin, standing to his feet.
"I'm gonna go grab some more beer 'cause we are almost all out. Either of you guys want anything while I'm out?" Dean asked, grabbing his leather jacket from the table.
"No thanks," Sam responded as Rosie just shook her head silently.
"Alright," He stared at his sister for a moment longer than necessary, before closing the door behind him.
Sam stood to his feet and began to walk over to the kitchen. "I'm gonna start making some lunch, mac and cheese okay?" He asked, knowing that was one of her favorite meals.
"Yeah Sammy, that sounds good," She pretended to smile. Truthfully, she didn't care as her mind was still repeating one simple sentence.
I need my knife.
Rosie's hand continued to scribble sentences in the notebook absentmindedly, until the sound of Sam's phone ringing snapped her back to reality. Her head snapped over to her brother, as he fumbled with the spoon to fish his phone out of his back pocket.
"Uh," He stuttered, looking at the caller ID and seeing that it was their father calling. "Hey Petal, why don't you hop in the shower and then we can eat when Dean gets back?"
Rosie nodded, closing her notebook and setting the pencil atop the table. Suddenly, she had a genius idea, at least in her stressed mind it seemed to make perfect sense.
"I'm just gonna grab a flannel from Dean's bag and then I'll hop in." She tried to smile. Sam, only half listening, nodded and held the phone up to his head.
"Hey dad, what's up?" His voice trailed off as Rosie's mind laser focused onto one thing — the thing that Dean had said 'didn't exist to her anymore,' — the only thing that she felt would be honest with her — the pocket knife from her father.
Rosie's breath hitched as she approached Dean's black duffle bag, sitting on his bed. She looked around to make sure that Dean hadn't come back and Sam was still occupied with the food. The world seemed to move in slow motion and it felt like her breathing and heartbeat were the only sounds in the world. Lifting her shaky hand, she started to unzip the top of the bag. Rosie knew that Dean wouldn't be too oblivious as to hide the object someplace obvious so she dug her hand around the bottom of the bag until she felt it — my knife. In some sick way, she felt at peace. Clutching the metal in her hand, the youngest Winchester pocketed her priceless possession and, to make sure she had an alibi, grabbed one of Dean's flannels from the top of the bag.
Rosie exhaled deeply, her heart pounding a thousand beats per minute. Looking back over at Sam, she realized she was in the clear. Sneaking into the bathroom and quietly shutting the door behind her, Rosie couldn't hold back her tears anymore.
I'll just put it back as soon as I'm done and he'll never know. Rose thought to herself, digging the knife from her pocket and flipping it open to examine the blade. Another set of tears fell from her eyes, as she noticed that Dean had taken the time to clean her dried blood from the silver edges. It was then that Rosie had the first sensible thought of the day.
"M-maybe… maybe I shouldn't. " She whispered to herself, setting the weapon down on the sink, wiping stray tears from her eyes. "No." Rosie resolved, picking up the knife. "I deserve this, all I do is hurt them." She began speaking softly to herself. Rosie took a very shaky breath, and sat down on the bathroom floor like she had done so many times before.
However, suddenly there was a rap at the door. "Hey," Sam's voice echoed. "You okay? You've been in there for a while and the shower isn't even on yet." His voice worried.
Shit. Rosie thought. "Uh, yeah Sam sorry, just had to go to the bathroom first." She lied and was met with only silence.
"Alright, while lunch is almost ready." Sam added, rattling the door handle momentarily.
"I'll just be a couple minutes Sammy," Rosie tried to make her voice resound as even as possible, to make it sound as if she had not been crying.
"You got ten minutes kiddo," He finalized, and Rosie heard his footsteps head back towards the kitchen. Knowing that she couldn't do too much in ten minutes, Rosie quickly turned on the shower, undressed and brought the weapon into the water.
"Better make this count." She muttered to herself. The hot water filled the small room with steam quickly as it was much warmer than was necessary or safe for her skin. Letting the water burn her skin for a moment, Rosie inhaled and brought the knife up to her collarbone where Sam had recently stitched, knowing that it would be easier to open and be long lasting. She also knew that if Sam asked about it she might be able to lie and say that she scratched it open while she was sleeping.
A minute or two later the bottom of the tub was smeared with dark plasma that had been diluted by the water. Rosie hissed as she accidentally leaned back too far and a stream of water entered directly into the fresh wound. Biting down on her fist, she tried to muffle the pain she felt. The stitches unraveled from the wound as Rosie quickly drew one more sharp line across the site, causing an even larger pool of blood to form.
Feeling a little light headed, the youngest Winchester decided that maybe that was enough for the day. Running the blade under the water, Rosie made sure to wash away any trace of new self inflicted injury from the knife. Standing to her feet, Rosie shut off the water, grabbed the towel hanging from the rack, and quickly dried the weapon.
Damn. She thought, as spots started to fill her vision. Looking back towards the tub, Rose wanted to make sure there was no trace of blood, but her dizziness made it difficult to ensure cleanliness. Rosie grabbed some toilet paper and began to apply pressure to her wound as she had done so many times before. Then examining the bathroom, she hoped the first aid kit would still be in its original place, but upon further inspection, it was locked by a cheap bolt Sam must have picked up from the store. Shaking her head, she realized that DIY might be her only way to go. One round of hydrogen peroxide and five vertical bandaids later, Rosie felt satisfied.
Then, it hit her. I can't believe that I did that. She thought to herself, horrified. Rosie began to slip on her underwear, bra and Dean's old sweatpants, hissing slightly as they made contact with her sore butt. Pausing, Rosie stared at herself in the mirror before putting on the flannel.
What a mess. She thought, examining the scars that lined her upper body and arms. Rosie knew that she needed to get a move on so she had time to slip the knife back into Dean's bag before he returned, but she couldn't seem to pull her eyes away from what she saw in the mirror. Suddenly, another knock at the door, once more snapped her back to the present.
"Rosie, come on Dean's almost back, time to eat." Sam vocalized.
"Coming," She responded, her voice cracking ever so slightly.
Wiping the last stray tears from her eyes, Rosie buttoned the flannel to the top and pocketed the blade into her sweats. She did one final inspection over the room to make sure that it was free of any evidence before opening the door. However, upon taking a step out of the bathroom door, she ran into her much taller brother, Sam.
"Whoa, easy there Petal," He ran a hand through her still damp hair.
"Sorry Sam," She said quietly, looking down and trying to sneak by him to return the weapon into Dean's bag.
"Wait a second Rose," His voice resounded, making the girl freeze momentarily. "Can you look at me for a minute?" When she didn't listen right away, he pleaded, "Please, Petal?"
Rosie slowly lifted her head to meet Sam's eyeline. Thankfully, Mary Winchester had given Rosie one very handy gift for this particular circumstance. The ability to cry without leaving evidence of tears.
"What's up Sammy?" She tried to reply casually.
"Are you okay? You seem like something's off." He tried to pry without pushing it too much.
"I'm okay Sammy," She answered with a shrug, "Just hungry I think." Rosie tried to smile. "Better be good mac and cheese," She tried to joke causally.
"Oh it is," He smiled, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "Come on, come sit down." Rosie looked worriedly back at the bedroom.
"Let me just put my clothes away and I'll be right there." She tried to sneak out from under his hold.
"Alright, but when you get back I need to re-patch your … uh, your injuries." He rubbed a hand on his neck, somewhat awkwardly. Rosie's heart stopped beating momentarily as she looked up at her brother with horror in her eyes.
"O…okay, Sam," She said quietly, averting her eyes. Rosie quickly made her way into the bedroom and slipped the knife back into her oldest brother's bag and threw her clothes into the shared laundry hamper. Rosie's breath became erratic, as she watched Sam from the other room.
Should I run? She pondered, wondering if at this point her best option would be to try to run away entirely. Shaking her head, Rosie realized she probably wouldn't get too far in the daylight anyway, especially with no money or food and she was already in enough trouble as it was without adding yet another infraction to her ever growing list.
Taking a shaky step out the bedroom door, she took a seat at the table. Sam placed a bowl of mac and cheese in front of his sister and took a seat across from her.
"Thanks Sammy," She smiled sadly.
"Yeah," He grinned proudly, "I know it's one of your favorites." Rosie nodded and quickly shoved another bite of food in her mouth. After a few moments of eating in silence, the front door knob rattled and Dean appeared in the doorway.
"Wow, eating without me?" He joked and set the beer down on the table, which Rosie eyed wearily. She had been without a drink for a while and was starting to feel the beginning of a withdrawal. The youngest Winchester wasn't an alcoholic, but carried the gene for it and did struggle with craving her whiskey.
"Yeah, sorry dude, we were hungry and you were taking too long." Sam replied, after chewing another bite.
"Save me some at least?" He asked, walking past Rosie and ruffling her hair.
"In the pan," Sam responded, motioning to the stove with his spoon. Dean nodded and got a bowl from the cabinet, serving up a dish and placing it on the table next to his sister.
"Let me grab one thing," Dean said, a thought coming to his head, "I had been researching a potential next hunt and I think I might have found something a couple hours away, I was thinking about it when I went to pick up those drinks." Sam nodded and Rosie looked over her shoulder distractedly, her face turning white as a ghost, hoping he wouldn't notice she had stolen the knife and put it back in its place. Sam watched her with weary eyes.
"Here it is," Dean's voice called out from the bedroom. Coming back to the table with a cheap little notebook, Rosie took an audible sigh of relief.
"Okay," Sam stated matter-of-factly, setting down his spoon rather loudly. "Spill it Rose." All eyes turned to the youngest Winchester as she looked at both her brother's with wide eyes.
"S…spill what?" She stuttered, focusing her attention mostly on Dean.
"Yeah, spill what Sammy?" Dean repeated, looking back and forth between his brother and sister.
"First of it, it's Sam." He corrected, "And second of all, Rosie, if you have nothing to hide then let's redress the wounds and make sure that they are all healing up well." Rosie's whole complexion seemed to lighten even more and she began to feel nauseous. "Because I did stitch them up yesterday, so let's just make sure that they're all intact." Rosie swallowed the growing lump in her throat, looking up at Dean, who was now standing to his full height, arms crossed over his chest, fully understanding what Sam was implying.
"Sam," She pleaded, in a voice closer to a whisper. "Please." The brothers sighed, almost in unison, acknowledging her admission to guilt.
"Damn it, kid," Dean mumbled, walking back into his room to see if the knife had moved from its original place in his duffle. Rosie laid her head down on the table waiting for the inevitable Hurricane Dean to reappear and ruin her secret. She felt a large, comforting hand rest on her shoulder and looking with big doe eyes, she saw mixed emotions fill Sam's hazel eyes.
"Can I see, Petal?" He asked quietly, eyes softening with sympathy.
Rosie nodded as tears began to brim her eyelids. With shaky hands, she began to unbutton the first button of her oldest brother's flannel. Sam gasped in alarm, seeing the new blood and very irritated skin that lined her collarbone.
"Rosie…" His voice trailed off, unable to take his eyes off her newly inflicted wounds. Suddenly, Dean reappeared ready to start a war, but stopped when he saw the terror in his brother's eyes. Taking a glance over at his sister, he saw for the first time how far her injuries actually extended.
"Holy shit," He couldn't help but express, eyes wide. Setting the pocket knife down on the table next to her, he didn't know what to say. Shaking his head, he not unkindly took his sister's chin in his hand. "Rosie, what did I say would happen if you tried to take this back from me?" His tone encompassed John Winchester.
"Y-you … you said that there would be serious consequences." She responded almost silently. Dean let go of her chin and looked over at Sam.
"I don't know what to do about this Sam." He ranted openly in front of his sister. Running a hand over his face, a couple tears fell from the oldest Winchester's eyes. "Rose, I mean, what the hell kid. We just talked about this yesterday and how I told you that you didn't need this stupid piece of shit! I told you I'm here kid! I told you that I'd be honest with you, but you chose to go back to this fucking thing!?" Dean was all but yelling at this point and Sam decided that it was time to interfere as Rosie was now openly weeping.
"Dean, stop this isn't helping and —" Sam's voice was cut off by a smaller tone.
"No Sam," Rosie interjected. "Dean's right." Both brother's looked down in surprise. "I lied and I stole my knife back after Dean told me not too." She took a shaky breath and brought a hand up to her cut, running her fingers over the new marking. "I … I just couldn't help myself, just knowing that dad is gonna be back so soon, just made me panic." Rosie looked down at her lap. "I'm no Winchester." Her voice was defeated. "Just let me leave before dad gets home." Standing to her feet, Dean did something surprising — pulled her into his chest.
"Don't you ever talk like that again, Rose Mary Winchester." He threatened, squeezing her body close to his. Sobs racked the young girl's frame as she held onto her oldest brother for dear life.
"I'm so sorry bubba," She sniffled, burying her face into his jacket. "I just couldn't control it. It's … it's like it grabbed a hold of me and dragged me down. I just couldn't stop myself!" Dean encompassed her head with one hand and the other was still tightly wrapped around her body, holding her close. Meanwhile, Dean shot Sam a look, motioning with his eyes to find someplace to hide the knife. Quietly, and unbeknownst to Rosie, Sam stood to his feet and went to place the knife on top of the fridge towards the back so he could neither see or reach it.
A couple minutes passed, before Rosie pulled away from her brother. "A…am I in trouble?"
Dean couldn't help but stifle a smile. "We're just gonna talk first Rosie," He then looked down at her seriously, "But this will be the last time you lie to me…ever. Understand?"The young Winchester nodded, finding a stain on the carpet particularly interesting.
"I'm gonna need a verbal answer there kiddo," Dean corrected.
"Oh, uh, yes sir," She sniffled, still unable to meet his eyes. Turning around back to the table, Rosie noticed that the knife had suddenly disappeared and Sam was standing suspiciously to the side, looking down at her with sad eyes.
"Let me get you patched up again Rosie while we talk," Sam motioned towards the couch, holding the restocked first aid kit in his hand.
"D—do we have to talk about it right now?" She tried to plead with them as she took a seat next to Sam on the couch.
"I'd like to know what you were thinking when you disobeyed a direct order." Dean stated with an eyebrow raised, his tone now switching back to serious as he stood across from the couch watching Sam and Rosie. Rose shrugged, face heating up with embarrassment. "That's not an answer kid."
Rosie sighed, as Sam helped her slip off the left side of her flannel, revealing the large cut. "I don't know Dean. I just thought that maybe I could do it and then sneak it back into your bag before you'd get back." She tried to explain her reasoning. Rosie hissed as Sam dabbed the wound with some alcohol cleaning wipes. Sam stopped momentarily before speaking.
"So what would you have said when I asked to redress your wounds?" The second oldest asked, not unkindly but voice still serious.
Once more her face turned a bright shade of red. "I…I just kinda planned on saying that they opened in the shower or during the night. I don't know, I hadn't thought it through all the way." She admitted, embarrassed.
Dean scoffed with disbelief and gave her an unbelieving look. "So you had planned to lie to us? Answer me Rosie!" When she didn't respond right away.
"Yes sir," She admitted quietly, as Sam placed some of their numbing cream over the skin around the wound.
"Stop Sam." Dean interjected and Sam's hands paused in silence. "Rosie, stand up. Now." Dean took three big steps over to his sister and lifted her up by her forearm, landing ten harsh swats to her already sore and punished backside.
"Ow ... ow, Dean! Please!" She danced around on her tip toes as he laid down another five swats.
Dean let go of her arm and looked down at her sternly, "Enough." Rosie looked up at him with fear in his eyes. "Rose, you're seventeen fucking years old and you're pulling this? I just spanked you this morning and you plan a lie not four hours later?!" Rosie couldn't bear to meet her brother's eyes and decided to find a particularly interesting stain on the carpet.
"Hey, eyes up here." Dean ordered, finger's snapping and his voice stern. "Listen, I'm not pissed at you for hurting yourself, but I am less than impressed at you for lying and going behind our backs, again!" His voice raised loudly.
"Yes sir." She whispered, at a loss for words.
Dean sighed and motioned towards Sam. "Finish up Sam. I guess Rosie and I need to have another conversation about lying." Rosie's eyebrows shot up in horror.
"No! You can't Dean! I — I …. please!" She tried to change his mind.
"Dean," Sam's voice broke through. "Don't you think she's had enough? I mean you already promised every night this week, isn't that plenty? Dad's also gonna—"
Dean held up a hand to stop his brother. "Just finish up Sam." His eyes not leaving his sister's.
Rosie winced again, and Sam painfully became aware that this cut was going to need to be restitched. "Sam, this really hurts," She said quietly.
"I know Petal," He said softly. "I'm sorry, but it's open even further and it won't heal on its own right if I don't stitch it."
"D—do we have any medication to help?" She asked cautiously.
Dean audibly laughed out loud. "Yeah right, kid." He took a step closer and sat down next to his sister on the couch. "Sam, it's all disinfected right?" Sam nodded, in agreement with Dean, but still conflicted. "Rosie, it's all clean and there's numbing cream all around it. I don't want to give you pain meds because … well just cause it's only been a few days. Let's just try to patch it up without them, I'll be right here." He gave her a small sympathetic smile.
Rosie nodded, accepting Dean's hand into her own and taking a deep breath. Soon enough Sam was finished and all the sutures looked secure in their placement.
"Alright Petal," Sam started, "It looks good, but," He began to speak seriously, "This is the last time I want to do this. Okay? I'm serious kid, this hurts me just as much as it hurts you." Rosie nodded with tired eyes. "I was here this whole time, you could have come to me and talked, but you chose to hurt yourself instead." Sam sighed, running a hand through his hair, "Please Rosie, this is the last time. Dean and I are here." Rosie collapsed into his arms and let the day's events sink in.
"Thank you Sammy, I'm so sorry…" Rosie replied. "I will come to you next time I promise."
Sam nodded into and after a moment pulled away from her body. "I'm gonna head out for a little while and give you a Dean and chance to talk." He looked at her with sympathy.
Rosie looked in between her two brothers and nodded in understanding, thankful for Sam attempting to spare her the embarrassment of being punished in front of him.
He placed a kiss on his sister's forehead and grabbed the keys off the counter, "I'm gonna follow up on this lead you found at the library, be back soon. Text me if anything comes up." Dean nodded and with that the door closed behind him and once more Rosie and her oldest brother were alone.
"Dean before you start, I just want to say I really am sorry, I-I-I—"
"Rosie, just breathe," He said calmly, trying to avoid any panic attacks. "Listen kiddo, I'm not blistering your ass anymore today." Rosie released a breath she didn't know she was holding.
"Y—you're not?" She said almost unbelievably.
"No," He replied, shaking his head. "You are going to be getting the hair brush the rest of the week though." He replied almost too casually.
Rosie shuttered, chills running over her body. "But—"
"Rose, I am being more than generous with this." He began, "I am so pissed at you for stealing the knife back after I specifically told you not too, but I don't want you to feel like I am punishing you for hurting yourself."
"Dean, can we not—"
"No, we have to talk about this eventually, kid. I'm serious. I don't understand what's going on in that mind of yours." He said affectionately, gently cuffing her ear. "Talk to me Maverick." Rosie let out a small smile, before laying her head down on his lap, finding comfort in her brother's presence.
"I don't know how to explain it bubba," She began, "My mind just keeps telling me to hurt myself, but I can't explain why." Rosie shrugged, "I just feel like a failure. Honestly, it's been going on for about a year. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful that I could stay at this school for most of my last year but you and Sammy still leave all the time and … and well you know how I feel about dad." She sighed. "It's just all too much and I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be strong. Maybe I just need to start hunting with you and Sammy more." A small chuckle escaped her lips.
"Yeah right kiddo." He ruffled her hair, "I think you might be benched for a little bit after this incident." Shaking her head, Rosie understood but that didn't make it any easier. "But Rosie, you don't have to pretend to be strong, you are strong. You're Rosie Winchester and yes, you did royally screw up and I mean ROYALLY, but you're not a failure kid."
Rosie was now looking up at him with big blue eyes, hanging onto his every word. Dean pulled her closer to his chest as they sat on the couch, being careful not to re-injure the wound. "I love you bubba, I'm sorry." She whispered into his flannel. "I'm so sorry."
"Just relax for now Rosie, we can worry about the rest of it later okay?" Dean's voice was soft as he spoke, his chest rumbling providing comfort to the young girl. Rosie nodded and just let herself be wrapped up by her brother, knowing that no matter how much she messed up, she wouldn't be alone.
"We'll just take this one day at a time," Dean spoke, "One day at a time."
"One day at a time," Rosie repeated quietly.