THEN & NOW
Timestamp: Season 3 Episodes 1-6
THEN
Lori pulled her blanket up higher, the chill of the wintery night seeping in through the cracks of the storage unit. Snow feathered to the ground outside, building piles that would make it difficult to hunt or do anything but curl up in a ball and wish for death, in the morning.
She opened her eyes, unable to feign sleep any longer. Carl laid across from her, bundled up in his sleeping bag like a sausage. She reached out and ran her hand through his ever-growing unruly hair, which he now refused to let her cut. She'd noticed he liked to hide behind his locks when things got tough, which was an everyday occurrence now. So, she didn't press him on it—not much, at least.
God, he had looked so much like Rick when he was little. But, with each passing day, she saw more of herself in him. She spent most of her waking hours wondering what the little one, growing inside of her, would look like. She prayed the child came out looking like her husband, for both their sakes. Either way, she resolved to love this child just as much as she loved Carl, even if Rick couldn't. She would love it enough for both of them.
After pulling Carl's sleeping bag up, as high as it would go, she rolled over. Her eyes fell on the empty spot where Rick was supposed to be. His sleeping bag was still neatly rolled, and his blanket was folded next to it. When she'd fallen asleep, he'd been on watch duty at the front entrance of the storage facility, but he should have been back by now.
Lori sat up and looked around. Her family's designated unit was empty, except for the belongings they'd scavenged over the past few weeks; things like clothes, hygiene products, and comics for Carl.
She made her way out of the unit and into the narrow hallway, passing by the other units in which members of her group were sleeping. She followed the voices, coming from the end of the hallway. She'd recognize that low drawl anywhere. But the other voice belonged to a woman and it wasn't hard to guess which one.
She tiptoed to the corner where the hall took a right turn, the voices becoming clearer as she got closer.
"I'm thinking maybe we find a boat," she heard Michonne say, with a little laugh at the end. "A nice big yacht. And we could just cruise for months, maybe even years."
Her husband laughed softly in return. "Daryl on a boat?"
"Yeah, he's definitely more of a land animal."
She peeked around the corner. Rick and Michonne sat side by side against the wall next to the entrance door, a rifle in Michonne's lap. She watched her husband for a moment and examined the carefree expression she hadn't seen on his face since the world had changed. She ducked back around the corner before she could be spotted.
"I don't know," he said. "Maybe this is as good as it gets."
"You don't really believe that."
It was quiet for a moment. Lori peeked around the corner again. Rick's head hung low now.
"She has to be at least eight weeks. Soon she won't be able to run anymore." He looked to the side, at Michonne. "We keep thinking there's something better around the bend…"
"For now, we're safe and warm and out of the herd's path. Maybe we should leave tomorrow's worries for tomorrow."
"Yeah… how's Dre's night been?"
"The best in days." She smiled at him, admiration in her gaze.
Lori's fists clenched at her sides. She wanted so desperately to be pissed off and justified for it. But, what she'd observed between the two of them, starting at the farm and over the last few weeks, wasn't anything blatant or nefarious. She couldn't say her husband was cheating on her, because she was certain he, himself, was unaware of what everyone else could clearly see between him and Michonne. And after what happened with Shane, she had no right to be upset.
"Thanks for going out to find that medicine," Michonne added.
"It was nothing."
Her face was serious when she said, point blank, "it was dangerous."
"Yeah, well... we made it back didn't we? It was worth it. I couldn't stand seeing him laid up like that."
"Me neither."
Then Michonne looked up, in her direction. Lori ducked back quickly, but not quick enough. She was sure Michonne had caught sight of her. She held her breath and waited for the woman to acknowledge her hidden presence.
But instead, she heard Michonne say, "you should get to bed. My watch duty started an hour ago."
Rick grumbled, "just a few more minutes."
Michonne didn't immediately reply, but when Lori heard Rick say, "alright," she figured Michonne had given him some kind of look that silently told him to get lost. "Night, Michonne."
"Night."
She heard him stand and hurried back toward their storage unit but stopped in her tracks when she looked down and her eyes caught on the crotch of her jeans. A pool of blood stained the denim and grew bigger before her eyes.
"Lori?" she heard Rick say from behind her.
She turned around slowly and his eyes widened when they caught sight of the blood. He looked back up at her, and in an instant, they both knew…
NOW
"Mmmm. Just like mom used to make." Glenn slid the rabbit bone out of his mouth and chucked it in the distance of the prison yard they now occupied.
Michonne had almost teared up when she and the rest of the group laid eyes on the facility Rick and Daryl had found while out hunting.
They'd cleared the field of the inmate walkers and had secured the gates all around, enclosing themselves inside. Now they sat around a fire, eating the rabbit they'd hunted earlier in the day.
"Can I have some more, mama?" Andre asked from beside her.
She looked down at her paper bowl, only scraps of rabbit bones were left. Her heart dropped when she looked at her son's hungry face. "That's all for tonight, baby."
"Here Andre," Carl said, handing her son his bowl.
Michonne pushed it away. "No. You need to eat."
"I found some wild berries earlier when we filled up on water." He pushed the bowl back in Andre's direction. "Here."
Andre looked up at her, his eyes asking if it was okay.
"Go ahead."
Andre took the bowl and began eating.
"What do you say?"
"Thanks, Carl," he said, through a mouthful, not even bothering to look up.
Michonne smiled at Carl and he sheepishly ducked his head.
"Tomorrow we'll put all the bodies together," T-Dog said, looking around at the aftermath of the massacre from earlier in the day.
"Yeah," Hershel agreed. "We want to keep them away from that water. Now, if we can dig a canal under the fence, we'll have plenty of fresh water. The soil is good. We could plant some seeds. Grow some vegetables…" Hershel looked over to where Rick was walking the perimeter for the hundredth time. "That's his third time around. If there was any part of it compromised, he'd have found it by now."
After the farm, she couldn't question Rick's prudence, even if it was a little toward the unhealthy end of the spectrum. His vigilance had gotten them through nine long, hard months in the wilderness. It had gotten them to the prison. So, Rick wasn't the member of the group she worried about most…
Michonne glanced over her shoulder. Lori lay on the grass, facing away from the group, but Michonne was pretty sure her eyes were open.
The woman barely talked anymore, not since… Michonne hated to think about that day, but there was no way they could ever forget, not when the stump that used to be her lower left arm served as an ever-present reminder.
"Hand me your mom's food," she said to Carl.
"I already tried, but okay," he replied, with a frown. Handed it to her.
She walked over to where Lori lay and squatted down behind her.
"Lori," she said softly. "You need to eat. We gotta keep our strength up."
She didn't budge.
"We don't know when we're–"
"I'm not hungry," she said her voice barely above a whisper.
"You haven't eaten in days."
"Why do you care?" she snapped.
"Because you're part of this family."
Lori sat up and turned toward Michonne, her face devoid of any kind of emotion. "Family?" she laughed. "What family? Everyone looks at me like I'm a ticking time bomb. No one knows what the hell to say to me so they avoid me half the time. Rick won't-– he won't even talk to me, after what I did."
"He'll come around."
"He hates me."
"He doesn't hate you. He's just sad."
Lori laughed again. Her eyes fell to the grass. She shook her head. "Yeah, you'd know."
"Lori…"
"And Carl…" Her voice caught. "Carl can't even look at me."
Michonne wanted to reach out but knew Lori wouldn't find comfort in her touch. But maybe her words would help? She'd wanted to tell Lori her story for quite some time, but it had never felt right and there were always other people around. Traveling together for months on end, the group had inevitably learned a lot about each other, but this was something Michonne had kept close to the vest. Not even Rick knew.
"'You know I… I had a miscarriage too," Michonne said.
Lori peeked up at Michonne, through her thick lashes.
"My boyfriend and I, we weren't trying, but we also weren't… not trying. And I found out, a few weeks before everything started. Back then, we thought everything would get better in a few weeks. But it just kept getting worse. And then we were at a FEMA camp and I remember lying in bed thinking, how are we supposed to do this now?"
Lori watched her, through the curtain of hair that fell in front of her face.
"I couldn't see a world in which we survived—all of us. And I didn't know how I could protect both of them… I can't tell you how many times I wished and prayed that…" She couldn't even say it now. "And then I woke up one day and it happened. My prayer was answered… but all I wanted was to take it back..." Michonne bit back the emotion welling up inside. "I guess my fear stopped me from realizing that I actually wanted it. And then I just felt guilty. Like it was my fault."
A tear slid down Lori's cheek, she savagely wiped it away. A silence fell between them.
She opened her mouth to speak, and after a couple of false starts asked, "how'd you… how'd you make it okay?"
"I don't know that I did. But I had Andre so I couldn't just…"
Lori looked up at her, a twinge of embarrassment on her face.
Michonne chose her next words carefully, so as not to upset the woman. "I couldn't let myself feel it. I just kept moving, to move away from it. The farm was the first time I got to really stop and breathe. It gave me time to think. To start to try and forgive myself… for a lot of things really."
"And have you?"
"I'm still working up to it."
"So you still… you still struggle sometimes?"
"Every day. I think it's okay to struggle." Michonne looked down at Lori's stump. "To want to stop fighting. But we're both still here. And I think it's up to us to do something with that. To make all the stuff, from before, mean something."
"How?" she asked, desperation dripping from her voice.
"Small steps every day, I think that's how we get there."
Lori stared at her for a moment, before taking the bowl of meat. Michonne watched her place a piece in her mouth.
She gave Lori a little smile, before getting up and walking away. On her way back to the group she caught Rick watching her from the fence with an earnest look on his face. He gave her a nod. She gave him one back.
THEN
They moved with precision; T-Dog, Daryl, Rick, Carl, Maggie, Glenn, and Michonne always went in first. Every floor, every room, every nook, and every cranny. They swept the houses as the rest, the weak ones, Lori thought, waited outside.
She was in that group, the group of less capable and too-young survivors. At the farm, she'd had a purpose and had been able to contribute. At the time, she thought she was making a difference. But maybe Andrea had been right, that time she'd read her. Maybe she'd been deceiving herself, thinking that anything but the skill to survive meant something in this world.
Carl didn't need her anymore. Hell, he was the one protecting her now. And Rick, even if he didn't know it yet, he had Michonne. Without the baby— oh God, the baby —to obligate Rick to her, how long would it be before he cut her loose?
That day, Lori sat in the car staring out the window, her head leaning up against it. Beth sat next to her, playing with Andre, who sat in her lap. Carol and Hershel stood watch outside the car. After a few minutes, Herschel tapped twice on the window, signaling them that the house was safe.
The three-story colonial was just like all the other houses they had been through. The smell of rotting guts permeated every room. Furniture was tossed aside, most likely in the owner's haste to get the hell out of dodge. This house, however, was boarded up so maybe they'd made a stand.
Lori found a small room, with a twin bed, on the second floor and claimed it as her own. No longer did she make any attempts to find a room she, Rick, and Carl could sleep in together. Rick, who was on perpetual watch duty, always seemed to find his way to the roof or balcony or some kind of higher ground and perched there for the night. He'd spend most nights watching for walkers or whatever else was out there, in addition to whoever else was on duty. And Carl, wanting to pull his weight, stayed with his father and allowed him to sleep for at least a couple of hours.
Walking into the mostly untouched room, she wondered about the person to who it had belonged, in the old world. Had they survived? Would they approve of her borrowing the room for a few nights or however long they were there?
She thought about her own home. How many vagabonds had torn through the quaint little house she'd shared with Rick and Carl? Was it even still standing? Or had the dead torn through it as they'd done at the farm?
She dropped onto the bed.
There was a knock at her door.
"Come in."
Maggie stepped in, smiling. "Daryl found some squirrels. He's cooking them up now. Should be ready soon."
Lori nodded.
Maggie studied her. "You need anything?"
"I'm Fine," she lied.
Maggie nodded. She looked like she had more to say, but turned and walked out.
A moment later, Lori stood and walked to the closed bathroom door. She didn't even want to know what she looked like, but maybe if she fixed herself up a little she'd start to feel better… look good feel good, or whatever the hell it was.
She turned the knob and stumbled back, falling on her ass, when her eyes fell on a dainty elderly walker on the floor of the bathroom. Her legs and arms were tied and she was gagged.
Lori's body shook, out of sheer disgust. She locked eyes with the woman who was seemingly pleading for help, even in death. She wondered if it had happened before or after. Had she been here all this time? If this is what everything had been like before when there was law and order and justice, How are we supposed to build a life in this new, more violent, and ruthless world? It had just been a fleeting thought—one she'd had on more than one occasion over the past few months—but at that moment, it quickly materialized into something bigger in her mind.
This is not a world I wanna live in .
As she stared at the woman, she let the thought roll around in her head. She let it take up residence and root itself in her subconscious. Then she took it a step further and played the scenario out in her mind. What Rick and Carl would do after she was gone. They would grieve her loss. Even as much as her husband hated her now, she knew deep down, he still cared for her.
It would take time, but they were strong. And they had the group… they had Michonne. She would get them through. She would make sure they were okay. Hershel would too and Daryl and Glenn and Maggie.
In a matter of minutes, it could all just stop; the guilt, the hurt, the grief. It would all just end as it had for Jackie and Jenner when they'd made their choice.
And so she decided, and just as soon as she made up her mind, it started to feel like destiny. This was how it was always going to end for her.
Her heart thudded in her chest and her head felt light as she made her way to the door. She shut it and turned the lock. Then walked back over to the bathroom, stepped in, and shut the door.
She kneeled down in front of the woman and gently removed the gag. She pushed her sleeve up and her arm shook as she moved it in the direction of the walker's snapping teeth.
She paused, her arm only inches away. Closed her eyes and whispered, "I love you," hoping the words would somehow reach the ears of all those who needed to hear them. Because there would be no time after. After, would be momentary pain and suffering and then… the end.
She moved her arm closer and waited. When the walker's sharp teeth bit into her skin, she screamed out in torment.
Rick heard the screams from where he stood in the living room securing the wood on the boarded-up windows, with Carl.
"Lori!" He yelled, running up the stairs, Carl chasing after him. When he got up to the second floor, he tried her door, but it was locked.
Her cries of agony pierced through the wood.
"Stand back," he yelled at the group of people who'd come running too.
He took a step back and then kicked his boot into the wood. The first time it didn't budge, but then he kicked a second time, and it burst open.
"Lori!" he shouted, waving his gun around the room. He didn't see her. Then he heard more screams coming from inside the bathroom. He opened the door and found Lori on the ground, her arm bitten in a couple of places and a walker desperately trying to get some more. Lori writhed on the floor in pain and he saw red. How had this happened, they'd cleared all the rooms.
Rick shot the walker in the head. Hurried over to Lori and picked her up off the ground. "It's okay, baby. It's okay." He moved her into the room and set her on the bed.
He caught a glimpse of his son watching them, tears streaming down his face. "Get Carl out of here," he yelled to Daryl.
Daryl gently pushed Carl out of the room.
"We've gotta cut it off before it spreads!" Hershel urged, examining her wounds. Then to Rick, he said, "give me your belt."
"What?!" Lori's eyes went wide. "No. No- I don't want it. I don't want-" she stammered.
Rick took her face in his hand. His red, wet eyes found her. "It's the only way to save you."
"No. I don't–-"
"Maggie. Carol. Hold her down." Hershel ordered. "Rick! Your belt. Now!"
Maggie and Carol went to her head and pushed down on her shoulders.
"Lori, it's gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay," Rick said, unbuckling his belt. He handed it to Hershel and the man quickly tied it around Lori's arm. "Michonne!" Rick wailed.
He didn't even need to finish his statement. Michonne unsheathed her katana and stood at the ready.
"No," Lori screamed. "No. Let it happen! I want this. Let it happen!"
Her words gave Rick pause. He looked up and around at everyone, wondering if they'd heard what he'd just heard. The entire room was a scatter of faces that said... what the fuck?
He looked back into the bathroom and noticed something he'd missed in his haste, the walker had been tied up. There was no way it could have attacked her. Had she done this?
"Please, Rick! I want this." Looking into her eyes, and hearing her plead, he knew that she had in fact done this to herself.
"No," he cried. "No." He wasn't letting her die. She wasn't doing that to Carl.
He turned to Hershel. "Let's go!"
The two men took her hand and pulled her arm out as far as they could.
"One swift cut!" he yelled to Michonne. And when the blade sliced down onto Lori's arm, her scream pierced through the entire house and possibly even the neighborhood.
NOW
"In the morning, we'll find the cafeteria and infirmary," Rick said to the group. They stood in the cleared-out cell block, looking around at their new home after he and a few others had fought their way in. He spotted Lori standing in the back of the group, watching him with sad eyes.
He'd been thankful, watching her eat the night before, for the first time in a while. But he knew she was still far from okay. He wondered what Michonne had said to her and felt a pang of guilt at how distant he'd been. After her suicide attempt, the rift between them that had started back at the farm had become a chasm. He was sad he didn't know how to fix it for her. Sad that she felt she had nothing left to live for, even despite Carl still being alive. Her arm was a constant reminder of how he'd failed her. Even now, he didn't know how to make it right. But he had to try, he owed her that much.
Rick cleared his throat. "We'll sleep in the cells. I found keys on some guards. Daryl has a set too."
The group disbursed, off in search of their new sleeping arrangements.
Michonne, who held Andre, gave him a smile and squeezed his arm as they walked by. "Thank you," she said.
He nodded at her and then turned his attention back to Lori, who'd stayed rooted in her spot looking around like she didn't know what to do with herself. He'd never seen her so lost.
Rick made his way over to her, and when she spotted him, she dropped her eyes.
"Hey," he said.
She tried a smile, but it wouldn't stay on her lips.
He dipped his head, forcing eye contact. "Will you come with me?" he asked, with a soft voice.
They stood on the bridge between the two cell blocks, staring out at the field they'd slept in the night before.
"Hershel thinks we can plant some seeds. Grow some tomatoes, cucumbers, and soybeans. Stuff like that. He's confident we can make this place sustainable. I think we can too," Rick said.
She listened, staring out at the yard.
"Hershel's gonna need someone who can help him. Someone who knows what they're doing."
She turned to him.
"You've always been good at that sort of thing. Always had a… green thumb," he drawled. "We're all gonna have jobs here. To get this place to where it needs to be. I thought maybe you'd like that to be yours."
"… okay."
"Good. We'll start cleaning tomorrow."
She nodded.
They were quiet for a moment.
"Maybe this place could be a fresh start…" she began. "For all of us."
"Lori I—"
"I don't mean it like that," she interrupted. "Everything that happened at the farm. Everything I did… I never apologized… but I am… sorry. I'm so sorry."
Rick reached out and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I haven't… been perfect in this," he admitted. Registered the surprise on her face at the admittance.
"We can't exactly hire lawyers, split our assets?"
Rick gave a soft laugh.
"But I think… I think I need to be someone other than your wife. I need to figure out who I am in this new world. To focus on trying to be Carl's mother again. Figure out how to make things right with him."
He removed his hand from her shoulder and rubbed at the back of his neck trying to ease the tension, as he worked out what she was saying. He hadn't had the intention of having this particular conversation when they'd come out there. Mostly because he didn't wanna be the one to leave, not when she was still so fragile.
He watched her use the thumb of her right hand to push her wedding ring off of her finger. She looked up at him.
He stood frozen.
She slid her ring into her pocket. Then, maybe because she knew he would never be able to do it himself, she grabbed hold of his hand and took the ring off of his finger. She placed it in the center of his palm and closed his fingers around it. They stayed staring quietly at the yard for a long while, both running through the slideshow of a life that was now and forever the past. They were no longer a husband and a wife, the only familial label they had left was mother and father.
So, later that day, they talked to Carl and explained that though they'd always be a family, he and Lori weren't together anymore. His son seemed indifferent, which worried Rick more than anything. Carl was getting used to misfortune; he was living in a world where hearing about his parent's divorce was considered an easy day.
Michonne placed a sleeping Andre in bed. She still couldn't wrap her head around the fact that she and her son were living in a goddamn prison cell. But, it had been the safest place they'd lived in months, so she couldn't complain. She'd done her best to clean up the blood on the floor but knew it'd be a long-term process making this place into a home.
She was organizing the few items they'd been carrying with them the past few months when she heard Rick's boots click closer and closer until he was standing in their doorway.
"Hey. Settling in okay?" He asked, peeking down at Andre.
"No. Not really." She motioned around the cell. "It's gonna take some getting used to."
"Yeah. We'll start on everything tomorrow. Get this place in good shape." His face went slack, serious. "What happened at the farm, I won't let that happen here. We're gonna make this place safe."
She nodded in agreement.
"I'm gonna need your help with that."
"Of course."
He took a step into the room. "Listen, I saw you talking to Lori last night… whatever you said, thank you… for that and for everything you've done." He glanced down at Andre. "Everything you're doing." Then back up at her. "And just... for you." He took another step toward her, his voice barely above a whisper. They were close, too close.
"Getting here… I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have you."
Starring into his eyes, she thought she saw something she'd never seen before. It was a type of raw emotion he'd not yet let her glimpse. She wondered if it was an aftershock of his conversation with Lori or if it was something else. As she was considering this, he startled her by moving in and placing his lips on her cheek, but it was not in the same fleeting manner of the fatherly kisses he gave Andre or Carl. And he stayed there for a few seconds too long, for it to be classified as just a friendly peck. When Rick pulled back, looking at his face, she felt something break between them… it was as if they were in a video game and a new level had been unlocked.
He nodded at her before walking out of the cell and it wasn't until her gaze dropped down to his retreating hand, that she noticed his ring was missing.
3 MONTHS LATER
Michonne's internal clock woke her every day at 5:30 in the morning, now. The cell block was quiet, save Daryl's snoring, which echoed throughout. When he'd finally moved from the perch, into an actual cell, she'd been hoping she'd get more sleep, but no such luck. Thankfully, Glenn and Maggie had found some earplugs on one of their runs.
She swung her legs off the edge of the bed and felt underneath for her tennis shoes. Laced them up, grabbed her katana, and then after checking to make sure Andre was still on his last leg of sleep, she hurried outside.
Every morning she jogged around the front yard fence, examining the perimeter as she went by and killing any stray walkers that may have wandered in from the woods.
The view of the yard had most definitely improved, from when they'd first moved in. Herschel and Lori had been busy. Half the yard was now a growing garden and the other half was the beginnings of a field of crops. The night before, they'd even had their first fresh bowl of salad with dinner; complete with lettuce, tomato, and cucumber.
Michonne jogged, sweat drenched, back into the cell block an hour later and grabbed her towel and her clothes for the day. She checked on Andre, once more, to make sure her favorite little guy was still snoozing peacefully. He was restless, which meant he was just on the brink of waking up. So she hurried to the showers, washing off as quickly as she could.
When Michonne walked back into the cell block, she couldn't help but smile. Andre sat in his booster seat on one end of the long, wooden dining room table they'd scavenged and placed in the open space of the cell block. It's where the group ate most of their meals together. Rick sat next to him, and they both had a bowl of oatmeal in front of them. Rick listened intently as Andre told him in vivid and over exaggerated detail about his dream. Their backs were to her, so she took a moment to watch and listen.
"There was a big dinosaur too," Andre said, through a mouthful of oatmeal.
"Really?" Rick replied, intrigued.
"Yeah, and I was riding on the back."
"No way."
"Yeah huh, and then we went down a big hill. I thought I was gone fall."
"And then what happened."
Andre shrugged. "I woke up."
"Ah, man," Rick replied, genuinely disappointed.
Michonne smiled and shook her head. Made her way over. "Good morning." She stepped up behind Andre and tilted his head up so she could access his forehead for a kiss.
"Mornin' mama," he said through his bite of food.
Rick smiled up at her. "Morning." He took a bite of his oatmeal. "How was your run?"
She moved around the table and sat down across from them. "Quiet."
"That's good. What has it been, 7 days now since we've seen one at the fence?" He stood and moved to the portable burner that sat on their makeshift cooking area. There was also cookware, dinnerware, and utensils, all stack up neatly.
"Yeah, the redirects have been working. When we get the fence built up with the wood they're bringing back from this run, that'll help even more."
Over the past few months, she and Rick had worked together on a plan to secure and fortify the prison even further. There was still a lot of work to be done, but they'd come so far.
Carol had taken it upon herself to make the place feel like home. Together, they'd re-painted the cells and the entire block and scavenged furniture in order to make the cells and common spaces feel more inviting and less like a prison. Carol had sown curtains that they'd placed in front of each room, to give everyone more privacy.
They'd taken their time, clearing each walker-infested cell block and the tombs that led to them. Their goal was to get all the cell blocks in as good a shape as the one they now occupied. And one day, when the time was right, they'd go looking for more people, because they were trying to build something bigger than just their small group. Fortunately for them, the prison was nicely hidden and difficult to find if you weren't actively looking. It'd been a miracle they'd found it themselves. They'd taken down all the traffic signs leading to it. So, no one had stumbled upon them since they'd arrived.
"What do you got going for today?" he asked, handing her a steaming bowl of oatmeal.
"Thanks. Uh… When Maggie and the guys get back, " she said in reference to Daryl, Glenn, & T-Dog, who were the group's designated run/scavenge team. "I was hoping to go clear cell block D and maybe F if we have time. And Hershel said he and Carol were going to inventory last week's medical haul, in the infirmary, so I was gonna help out with that after. And Lori said she wanted to talk about the crops, so… what about you?"
He smiled. "Same."
"Right."
They spent most days together now. Rick liked to joke that he was her personal assistant, ever since she'd become the unofficial leader of the prison. She figured he appreciated the break from being the one everyone looked to for answers, even though they were more like co-leaders. "Just wanted to know what our day looked like."
Beth joined them at the breakfast table and when Michonne and Rick went off to do their thing for the day, she took Andre to the wardens office, which they'd converted into a little daycare.
Later that day, Michonne was with Rick and Lori in the yard. Carl, who helped his mother in the garden when he was not doing his school work in the library, stood with them too.
What Michonne had enjoyed most over the past few months was watching the mother and son bond over building the garden and crop fields, slowly reconciling their relationship.
And Lori's mental health had come a long way in just a few short months. She still had her hard days, where she struggled to get out of bed, but Michonne had made a concerted effort to check in with her daily. Michonne took great care, pulling the women closer together. She'd even gone as far as reconstituting girl's night out.
All the women would get together every other Saturday, in the garden, with whatever pampering products Maggie had found on her run recently. They'd shoot the shit and complain about life and the men. Just like old times. In the life before, Michonne had a core group of girlfriends—her sorors—who were her lifeline. They would hold each down in the best and worst of times.
And even though this group of women hadn't chosen each other, it was up to them to hold each other up now, something they'd all failed to do during their time on the road.
"This is all looking so good, Lori," she said.
"Thank you," Lori replied, her chest puffed out a bit. "Hershal thinks we should see a consistent yield in a matter of weeks. Then when we get this off the ground, we're gonna diversify what's being planted."
Rick stood off to the side, his hand on his hips, listening.
Though he and Lori were cordial, a friendship between the two had been slow growing. So they only really talked when it had to do with Carl. She hadn't observed any tension, but it just seemed they were now two people who didn't have much to say to one another, any longer. She knew he still cared about her, as Carl's mother, and someone to whom he'd devoted most of his life. Michonne had seen a fair share of her friends and family go through divorce and by far this one was the most amicable she'd observed.
"That all sounds good," Michonne said. "What do you need from me?"
Lori hesitated. She looked at the ground, seemingly building courage for her next words. "Hershel and I found a University on a map. It's outside of the run radius, by a few miles, but they had a prestigious botany program. I remember from before. My point is, they'd have seeds and things we could use to speed up what we're trying to do here."
Michonne looked at Rick, who was looking back at her. His eyebrows were raised and his lips pouted out. She'd come to recognize this as his disapproving face.
The two of them had created protocols to protect the prison not only from walkers but other people who might want what they have, which is the reason the run team only searched within a certain radius of the prison. Plus, their walkie-talkies had a limited range and they didn't want anyone getting caught out there with no way to communicate back to the group. And they always sent a smaller scout team, Daryl and T-Dog, out to new areas they wanted to potentially scavenge through. To make sure they didn't run into another group of survivors.
She turned back to Lori. "Maybe in a couple of weeks, we can send the scout team out to check on the area and if it's safe we'll send the run team out," Michonne said.
Lori sighed. "We got lucky finding everything we have so far. And other people might figure out what I did and get there first. The stuff the University might have could sustain us for years."
"She's right," Carl said. "We can't wait… not with this."
"Okay, well the run team gets back today. So, I will talk to Daryl and see if he's up for going out again tomorrow," Michonne offered.
And then Lori dropped the bomb, "I wanna go."
"No," Rick said shortly. All eyes turned to him, but he was watching Lori, a stern look on his face.
"Carl and Maggie have been teaching me how to defend myself," she said carefully, as not to insight an argument. "I know how to use a machete now. I've been helping out with perimeter duty outside the fence. I've had time with them up close."
"She's gotten good, dad," Carl defended.
"And before he left on his run, I already asked T-Dog if he'd go with me. He said if it was cool with ya'll, he'd take me."
Michonne watched Rick flex his jaw, she knew the real reason he was apprehensive had less to do with Lori being able to protect herself and more to do with what had happened a few months ago. Watching someone you love try to end themselves was not something you easily put out of your mind. She was sure a persistent thought in Rick's mind, was that maybe she'd try to do it again. But, Lori was an adult and she had her own life to lead. They couldn't treat her like a child.
"Okay," Michonne said, giving her blessing. Rick cut his eyes at her. "She's strong and capable," she told him. She turned back to Lori, who gave her a thankful smile. "And T-Dog will have her back."
The run team not only arrived back with a moving truck full of the wood and supplies they'd need to build the fence, but also a deer. Carol had whipped together a stew that would rival anything they'd eaten in months. And to top it all off, they'd stumbled upon a wine cellar in a mansion nearby and had brought back boxes with bottles even she, on her lawyer, salary wouldn't have been able to afford. They sat around the table, rice and stew being passed around, wine being poured, laughter and conversation flowing through the cell block.
"You know what this reminds me of," Lori said to the group, but she looked at Carol. "The CDC."
"Ah, my God. That first night," Carol reminisced."Yeah."
"The CDC?" Beth asked.
Michonne was curious too. She didn't know much about what had gone on before the farm. They had been so preoccupied with the now, they very rarely discussed what had been. But she knew, there were only a few of them left from that big Atlanta group; Rick, Lori, Carl, Carol, T-Dog, Daryl, and Glenn.
"That Jenner, man he was crazy," T-Dog said.
"So basically," Lori stated, in reply to Beth. "We just didn't know what to do or where to go. But we decided-–"
"You mean, this guy decided," Daryl said, pointing at Rick, who rolled his eyes as he cut up Andre's deer meat with a fork and knife.
"Well yeah." Lori laughed. "It was mostly Rick. But anyways, we get there and the gates are down. We all thought it was deserted. But Rick wouldn't relent. He banged on the gates until the guy let us in. The guy, Dr. Jenner, was kind of intense but he was a nice guy. When he found out we hadn't eaten in a while he brought out crates and crates of food and wine."
"Carl had his first sip of wine that night," Glenn said.
"Yeah, and it was disgusting," Carl replied. The table laughed, even Rick, she noticed. It was so rare she got to hear a genuine, unencumbered laugh from him. She savored those moments. "But maybe I should try again," Carl added, holding his cup up.
"No," Rick and Lori said in unison, eliciting a raucous laugh from the rest of the group.
Everyone went to sleep a little lighter that night and for the first time since the beginning, their only worry was how to sustain this life they'd built.
Michonne sat on the ledge of the guard tower, with her back against the wall of the watch room. She heard the door below open and then shortly after the watch room door opened. Even before she looked up, she knew exactly who it was.
Her going up there at night had started as a way to unwind and get some alone time at the end of the day. But when Rick had discovered her routine, a few weeks ago, he'd taken it upon himself to make it "their" time to unwind. A sort of reconstitution of their nightly talks from back on the farm.
Some nights, in the very beginning, she sat quietly as he mused about the loss of his marriage until he was ready to share. On other nights he'd pick her brain about her hopes for the prison, for the rest of her life, and for Andre. They'd once again become each other's safe place, but without all the baggage from before.
"Hey," he said, sitting next to her.
"How'd Andre go down?"
Rick smiled, embarrassed. "Took three stories," he admitted.
"Pushover."
"Hey, that cat with the hat, he's a hoot. I enjoy it just as much as he does."
"It's starting to offend me that he's requesting you every night now."
"It's cause I do the voices. I keep telling you, you gotta do the voice."
She rolled her eyes.
"It's what brings the story to life," he added with a smirk.
"You're setting the bar too high, man. Soon he won't want me doing anything for him."
"Yeah, well… it's good for you, getting a break. Right?"
"Yeah. Honestly, after Mike, I never thought I'd have someone to help me with him… to lighten the load of caring for him... Andre and I are lucky to have you."
He narrowed his eyes, slightly. His face was tight and serious. He shook his head. "I'm the one who's lucky… to have found you." The words came out low and quiet. And the way he said it, it sounded like a revelation. He stared at her face as if he was seeing something he'd never quite noticed before.
They stared into each other's eyes; his sparkled in the faint glow of the night. Michonne's heart pounded hard in her chest as Rick moved in ever so slightly, his eyes dancing around her face. She stayed still, she couldn't even move if she tried, her whole body shellshocked.
He brought his hand up to the side of her face and slid his thumb across her cheek, before closing the gap between them. His lips touched hers and it felt like an electrical shock, jolting her into action. She pushed off the wall and into him, deepening the kiss. He leaned away and studied her face a moment, his eyes seemed to ask if she was sure. She nodded her head and he wasted no time taking her full lips in between his own, again.
She took his face in her hands, needing some control back.
He slipped his tongue inside her mouth and the sensation of their tongues touching caused her body to spasm.
He shifted her onto her back and reached for the edge of her tank top and when it was halfway up, she placed her hand over his.
"Wait," she said breathlessly.
He gaped at her, heavy breathing, with his mouth hung open. "You alright?" His voice was ragged.
"Not up here…" She turned her head toward the ledge. "What if we roll off."
Rick laughed and shook his head. "Come on, let's go in there." He jerked his head in the direction of the watch room and reached down to pull her up.
She sat up but pulled back when he tried to tug her the rest of the way.
She wanted him. Wanted him so fucking bad. Maybe she'd even wanted him in this way for a while now, and had just been too preoccupied to allow herself to realize it until his lips touched hers. And she wasn't blind, Rick was fine as hell. Those striking blue eyes, that face, that voice, and that walk...
But a quickie on the floor of the guard tower watch room where Maggie and Glenn had already fucked, a number of times, was not how she wanted their first time to play out.
"Rick. I want this. I do..." she said carefully, hoping he wouldn't misconstrue her hesitation for rejection. "But not like this."
The corner of his mouth quirked up. Rick sighed. "Yeah." He dropped down on his butt and leaned back against the wall. "You're right." He rolled his head toward her and smiled before leaning in to kiss her, soft and tender.
A few minutes later, they walked silently—hand in hand—back into the prison. Neither of them was sure of what to say, afraid of ruining the euphoria of the moment.
The rest of the group was already sleeping, so they moved quietly on their way to Michonne's room. When they arrived, Rick placed his hands on her hips and leaned down. Blessed her with a deep and lasting kiss, that nearly moved into the makeout territory. She pulled away before it could get out of hand.
When he gave her a sexy and mischievous smile, she figured the kiss had been his way of saying, this ain't over.
He walked away.
As she lay next to Andre that night, staring up at the ceiling, she marveled at how right it all felt. Then she remembered Lori, and stressed for the rest of the night, about all the ways it could go wrong.
"Thanks for coming out with me," Lori said to T-Dog, who drove down the center of the empty road, the next day.
He shrugged. "It's no problem. I like being out here?"
"You do?" She couldn't imagine why anyone would. "I'm gonna need you to explain that."
"I used to love scavenger hunts when I was a kid. Easter egg hunts too. Anytime I had to find hidden things… that was my shit. This ain't no different."
She smiled, listening to him. T-Dog was a workhorse. He went around doing whatever the group needed and never gripped about it. And she doubted anyone knew much about him, as he wasn't exactly a chatterbox. So hearing him talk about his life was a treat for her.
"You grow up in Atlanta?" she asked.
"Athens, born and bred."
"How'd you end up in Atlanta then?"
"Football."
So Michonne had been right. During one of their girl's nights, they went around guessing what the guys, the ones whose jobs they weren't already aware of, did before the world went to shit. They'd all had the most fun guessing what Daryl had done.
"I played at Clark Atlanta All four years."
"You don't say, I had a friend who played there."
"Yeah, what year?"
"2004."
"Got it. I wouldn't know 'em. That was a few years before my time."
"What'd you do after that?"
"Tried to walk on, but I guess I didn't have what it took. So I moved back home to Athens. Helped my dad with his church. Came back to Atlanta, when everything started happening, cause my family and some of our church members figured that's where our best shot at surviving would be." T-Dog never talked about his faith, but somehow, she'd known. She just felt it. There was a peace about him that she envied. Like he wasn't tethered to this world. She'd grown up Catholic and only continued to go to church with Rick and Carl out of obligation, until one day when they'd just stopped.
They sat in companionable silence for a few miles. Lori stared out the window, enjoying a change of scenery after months of being cooped up in the prison.
"I'm sorry about everything that happened to you." He glanced at her stump.
She looked down at it too. She'd gotten used to doing things one-handed. But sometimes, she'd forget it was gone and would instinctively reach for something. And other times, when she was lying in bed she swore she felt a twinge of pain in her nonexistent fingers. Herschel called them phantom pains.
"Ever since everything happened I've been meaning to say that to you," T-Dog added. "I just didn't wanna make things worse by bringing it up." He glanced at her with a genuine look of concern. "Are you okay, now?"
She thought about his question for a moment. Normally, her default answer would be yes. That was who she'd been before; someone who'd worn a mask, afraid of the implications of people knowing how she really felt. That she hadn't been happy or okay, for quite some time. But at that moment, she thought about her life now.
She had a purpose, something that made her excited to wake up in the morning. She had Carl. Their relationship was better than it'd been since all this started. And Rick… well she'd made peace with the fact that they'd never be best friends. But he'd always be the father of her son and someone who cared deeply for her and who she cared for too. She had friends; Maggie, Carol, and Beth. She'd even put Michonne in that category, which surprised her after how their realtionship had started. She still felt envy when she watched Rick and Michonne together. Rick was a different man than he'd been before the start; more self-assured, more forthright, and she couldn't deny noticing his physical changes over the past year. He'd always been a lean man; he'd always kept clean shaven. But now, his body had filled out in all the right places and his face was scruffy and she'd never seen him look so good. She wished she'd had a shot with this new Rick Grimes, but they'd closed that door for good months ago. Rick was no longer hers. And she had a sneaking suspicion, soon, he'd officially be Michonne's.
But still, the good outweighed the bad and most days she woke up thankful the venom hadn't spread quickly enough. So, yeah... she could honestly say she was okay.
"Yeah. I think I am," she said to T-Dog.
They passed a sign for the strip mall she'd found on the map before they'd left the prison and she asked T-Dog, "you mind taking a little detour?"
After clearing the comic book store together, T-Dog stood outside keeping watch as Lori browsed. Over the past few months, Carl had read through the five comics they'd happened upon on their travels after the farm, at least three times each. There had been no comic book stores within the run radius. So when she'd seen they'd be passing this store, she made it up in her mind that she'd bring a little surprise home for her boy.
She wasn't sure what he liked, so she grabbed whatever she laid her eyes on that looked similar to the ones he already had. When she was done, her backpack was full, and she figured he'd have enough to last him years.
She stepped outside and T-Dog turned around. "Find what you were looking for?"
"I hit the jackpot."
"He ain't gonna know what to do with himself."
They started walking back to the car. "We're only a few miles out from the University, and then it's a straight shot back to the prison from there," he said.
"Probably make it home in time for dinner," she replied, her stomach grumbling, just thinking about the stretch of good meals they'd had over the past few days.
"And where is it ya'll good people are calling home?" A familiar voice boomed from behind them.
They both turned, drawing their guns and aiming at the voice. It took them both a second to realize who it was.
"Merle?" they said in unison. Their eyes went to the knife attached to his right arm.
He laughed. "Woah, Woah." Lowered his gun and looked between the two of them, then down at her stump.
"Seems like me and you, we one in the same now." He started walking toward them.
"Hey! Back the hell up," Lori yelled. She remembered Merle from the Atlanta Camp, knew what he was like back then, and what he might now be like after they'd left him for dead.
He stopped and turned to T-Dog, their eyes locking.
"You made it?" T-Dog said, unbelieving. She remembered it had been T-Dog who'd dropped the key to Merle's handcuffs causing him to cut off his arm. Dammit, this is not good.
"Is my brother alive." Daryl .
"Yeah."
He breathed a sigh of relief. Looked back at her. "Hey, you take me to him and I'll call it even on everything that happened up there in Atlanta." He looked at T-Dog. "No hard feelings."
"We went back for you," T-Dog said. She heard the regret in his voice. "Rick, Daryl, Glenn, and I… but you were gone."
Merle's smile faded. "I don't care about none of that shit anymore. I just wanna see my baby brother."
She hadn't trusted Merle, ever since Atlanta and she didn't trust him now. She took a moment to appraise him; he was clean and somewhat put together. He had a group, she could almost guarantee it. And considering who Merle was, what if his new group was like Randall's. This is exactly what Rick and Michonne had been afraid of. "We'll tell Daryl you're here and he'll come out to meet you," she said.
"Hold on. Just hold up." He began moving toward her. She held the gun higher.
"Whoa. Whoa," T-Dog cautioned.
"Hey, the fact that we found each other is a miracle. Come on now you can trust me."
She looked at T-Dog, whose eyes bore into Merle. "You trust us," T-Dog retorted.
Then a second later, after realizing they weren't going to relent Merle pulled out a gun, which had been hidden in his side. He shot at them. Lori jumped to one side of the car, ducking for cover, and T-Dog jumped to the other side.
Merle lunged and grabbed her. His knife-arm went under her neck. He put the gun to her head. T-Dog came around to their side of the car, his gun raised.
"Hey, hold up buddy," Merle cautioned.
"Let go of her," he said, calm and even the first time. Then he yelled, "Man I said let go of her."
Lori trembled. Her whole body shook at the sensation of the metal against her temple.
"Put the gun on the ground," Merle yelled. "Right now."
T-Dog hesitated before doing it. He raised his arms. "Alright. Alright, now. Let her go."
"We're gonna go for a little drive."
"We're not taking you back to our camp. No way in hell," T-Dog spat.
"Oh, you're not going anywhere." Merle was quiet for a moment.
She looked out the corner of her eye. She could feel him breathing heavy, ragged, angry breaths.
"On that roof," he said to T-Dog, low and sinister. "I made myself a promise. That if I survived, I would put a bullet in the skull of the man who left me for dead. Caused me to mutilate myself." He raised his gun at T-Dog. "And I'm nothing if not a man of my word."
"No!" Lori screamed when she heard the gun click and fire. T-Dog dropped to the ground, a bullet hole in between his eyes.