This was stupid. This was such a stupid idea. She could not believe that she had come up with such an idea, never mind carry it out. But she had come up with such an idea and she had followed it through. There was no denying that. And maybe it was not such a bad idea. It might not be a good one but it was not a bad one either.
When had coming to the beach ever been a bad idea? She certainly did not think so. Normally, anyway. Today might be different. No. No, it was not. Because she was going to the beach, just to relax, like she always did. Because the beach was a good place to relax and unwind and not think of anything. Because she did not need to think of anything, least of all Tony and America and - No! She was not thinking about anything! Except for visiting the beach. This was going to be the only time she was going to be able to come for a while.
Her father, he was out of the country. Why? She was not sure nor did she care. He had not even told her where he was going to be but that was not necessarily abnormal. The whole point of being Mossad was to be careful, secretive, always aware. She did not care where he was anyway. All she cared that he was out of the country. Albeit it for a day. He would be back tomorrow. And tomorrow thugs would go back to normal. Well, her new normal. Or was it her old normal? It did not matter as it was still a normal, a routine so she would just have to get used to it. But not today. Today she was free of him. One whole day.
Which gave her breathing room. Space to think. Space to reflect. Without his watchful eyes on her. Eyes that were always on her. She had almost forgotten how unnerving that could be. She had been beyond his reach in America. She had been safe. Felt safe. She did not feel safe here. And certainly not in Mossad headquarters even with him gone. It put her on edge. Even more so than usual. Which meant that she could not relax. She needed to relax.
There was one place in Israel that would give her that. Haifa. The place where she spent all of her school holidays and any other time in between that she could. It was where her grandparents still loved, albeit with help from her Aunts and Uncles who lived nearby. It was her safe space in Israel. The one place where her father dared not tread. It equalled fun and freedom. She needed that freedom today.
Thankfully Israel was a small country and it did not take her long to get to her grandparents' home. They were older and frailer now but still full of life, despite what life had thrown at them. She just hoped that she would be like that when she got to such an age. If She got to such an age. Look, this line of work of hers was not exactly safe. She knew that. It had a high mortality rate. She was one of the best and it was a miracle that she was alive and she was not even thirty yet. She was close though and she found herself wanting to meet her thirtieth birthday. And not just to prove that she was the best but she genuinely wanted to be thirty. She wanted to age and grow and -
What was this nonsense? Had America really made her this soft? She made a disgusted noise. No. She should not be thinking like this either. If she made it to thirty then great, she made it to thirty. If she did not, she did not. It was as simple as that.
Taking a deep breath, she tried to take back control of her thoughts. She needed this day. Just one day. One day to process everything. To think things through. To plan ahead. It was a lot of thinking. And yes, of course she could technically do this in the Mossad buildings but this was better. She hoped.
The beach was where she always did her best. She needed the freedom of all the open space and fresh, sea air. She needed the feel of the sand whipping around her bare ankles and the taste of salt on her tongue. Maybe even the feel of walking through seaweed but maybe that could wait for later.
Taking in a deep breath and letting all those sensations hit her, Ziva found herself frowning. None of it was helping like she thought it would. Not even a little bit. She took another breath and closed her eyes but had the same result. A beach was always better in her opinion. Especially this beach where only ever was happy so of course she could get everything back under control here. Refresh herself. Think of nothing. Clear her head. All were very attractive to her right now.
If only she could keep her thoughts quiet! She was here to not think but that was all she could do. Why was it like that? Why was it so hard not to think when you did want to? It was rather unfair.
Making an impatient noise, she turned her back to the beach and began to walk back to where she parked her car. She was done with the beach. She did not want to be here anymore. Did not need to be. What she needed to be doing was prepare herself for whatever her father was going to require of her when he returned. Terrify some Mossad recruits who had yet to meet her because of her time in America. That would be a very good use of her time, not this. This was just pointless. There was no point in doing this.