It turned out that it was incredibly difficult to find a beach or even a stretch of water that they hadn't been to. They being him and Ziva. Because, you know, he didn't exactly want anything associated with him and Ziva at the moment. Which was rich considering it was Ziva he was thinking about. Look, he knew that his thoughts weren't making much sense, he didn't need to be called out on it. Nothing was making a lot of sense tight now so could you really blame him of his thoughts weren't making any sense? No. No, you couldn't.
What he did need was to get to a beach. The open air. The clear skies. Well, he looked up and scrunched up his nose in distaste, maybe not so clear skies. Come on, it was summer! Just about. The sky shouldn't be that grey and grim looking. Or maybe it should. It matched his mood, after all. Okay, that was a bit too dramatic, even for him. He didn't need to be frantic, all he needed was some breathing room. Hence, the search for a beach.
Breathe. He needed space to breathe. Away from the office. Away from Gibbs. Away from everyone. Being around people wasn't helping him. It didn't distract him. In fact, it gave him more thoughts for his ever-swirling mind which really wasn't helpful.
His was brought back to earth by a twinge from his shoulder and he rubbed it absentmindedly. It was getting better by the day; the doctors had been impressed by how it was healing. That was good. That might be the only good thing that had happened to him recently. Of course, the whole Ziva hitting it hadn't exactly helped things but it surprisingly hadn't made it worse. Which was odd, considering how angry she had been. But not so angry to do actual damage.
He wanted her back. He wanted her back and everything back to normal. Before all this Rivkin business. Before Israel and Eli David. He shuddered at the still far too recent memory. Now, that had been terrifying. But he had come out the other side. Whole. Alive. Yes, he was amazed at that too. But he couldn't even celebrate that because everything had fallen apart after. Truth be told, it had fallen apart before but he didn't want to think about that. He didn't want to think about anything. That's why he was here even though it wasn't working.
He wanted Ziva. There. He admitted to himself. He wanted Ziva. He wanted her back. His partner. And not just back physically but properly back. Lile a few months before. Was it really that short a time ago? He still wasn't sure when this had shifted and put them hurtling down the path, they were currently on but he wanted to go back before that. When things were normal. Well, as normal as they were ever going to get it. Their normal. They had had a normal. He'd liked their normal. He was pretty sure that she had too.
You know what? This was a waste of time. He made a scoffing noise at himself and turned away from the beach. Away from the people who had not a care in the world and who were having fun. He couldn't look at them anymore. Didn't want to. Not when it was impossible for him to be like that too. It just wasn't going to happen. Even if he went down on the beach proper and picked up shells like that little boy and girl were doing it couldn't cheer him up. Not even watching them hunt with glee could do that, even though it looked like they were having a competition of some sort.
Them exchanging "I'm beating you!" kind of gave that away. He felt a pang at that. Nope. Nope. Nope. Why did he do that to himself? That therapist he had gone to a few times that NCIS had insisted Gibbs' team go get evaluated for some reason or another would say it was because of his self-destructive tendencies. Whatever. He didn't know what he was talking about.
He was... He was going to leave. Now. Right now. Because there was nothing for him here, was there? His eyes followed a couple who were walking across the sand hand in hand and his heart hurt. No. There was nothing here for him. He didn't have to be here.
Yet, he didn't move. His back was to the beach now but he made no movement to where his car was parked. It wasn't even that far away; he could see it from here. He could also see it needed a wash. Maybe he would do that as he went back home. There was something to do.
He wasn't ready to leave the beach yet, okay? Yes, he was aware that sounded pathetic. Yes, he knew that meant something more. Yes, he wasn't going to think about that at all. If he left the beach he was going to have to go back home. Going back home meant that he was going have to get himself something to eat and then go to bed so he would get up in time for work tomorrow. Work meant no Ziva. He wasn't going to see her. She wasn't going to be there. He wanted her to be there.
And that was even more pathetic. Okay, he had hit his own limit there. He was definitely going now. He even made it back to his car. He hadn't turned it on her or even buckled his seatbelt but he was in the car. Away from the beach.
He could still see it though; his car was facing the sea. Just a few more minutes watching it, to see if it did any good.
It didn't. And it was starting to get dark. With a sigh, he pulled his seatbelt across him and turned on his car.
It was time to go.