Today, Sango has to go into the office. She prepared me days in advance so I would be ready for her departure. It's the first time I've been without her since everything happened. Inuyasha promised her that he would spend time with me today and make sure I'm doing alright. It makes me feel like a toddler who needs a babysitter to keep an eye on them. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but I'm so tired of feeling like a burden.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" She asks for the fourth time as she puts the backs on her earrings.
She is wearing a dark pink blazer that matches her pants and a basic black top underneath. She reminds me a little of a Barbie I loved to play with as a kid, and I giggle at the memory. She looks at me curiously.
"Your ass looks great in those pants," I explain. "And I'm sure I'm going to be fine. I have Inuyasha here to babysit me." I assure her again, rolling my eyes at her.
"Okay, okay. I'll stop helicoptering." She leans forward and kisses my forehead. "I'll be back in a few hours. Let me know what you want to eat tonight, and I'll grab it on my way home." She pauses and looks intently into my eyes. "You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be cared for. You deserve to be safe. No one is babysitting you. Just making sure you're doing okay." She holds my gaze for a moment, and I offer a shaky smile in return. With a squeeze of my hand, she's out the door, and the hole in my chest feels like it's trying to tear me apart.
After twenty minutes of looking through the wall, unseeing eyes focused ahead of me, I finally deem it the victor of our staring contest. When I feel like I can move my legs again I decide that I want to get up and do something so I don't risk sleeping away an entire day, yet again. I can't cower in my dreams forever, especially when they're not a comfort.
I decide to spend some time wandering the house to keep me from wallowing. I walk out into the hallway alone, and a foreign feeling slaps me in the face. It feels like I'm not supposed to be here like I'm intruding in someone else's space, and I'm trying to find my footing. Inuyasha's home is beautiful, but it's so big and imposing at the same time.
The hall is quiet, and it feels like the walls are pushing in on me as I walk down it. I lean my head against the door frame next to me to try to get my bearings. This is the most alone I've been in ages. Something about it feels comforting. I can do this. I reassure myself mentally and force my feet forward.
I make my way to the end of the hall and look up the steps leading to the third floor. From here, they look as steep as a mountain, and as I take a step forward, every muscle in my legs screams at me to turn around. I won't turn around.
One step, two steps, three steps, four steps. I count as I go, and it's a welcome distraction from where my brain wants to go. I make it to the top, 24 steps later, and look back down to where I came from. It's my first accomplishment of the day, and it brings a smile to my face. Push ahead, Kagome.
I wander down the hall and note that the door to Inuyasha's office is closed. Based on the monotone voice droning in the background, he must be in some kind of meeting or something. I try not to make too much noise, but the floor squeals under my feet, and the doors to the library creak as I pull them open. Well, at least he knows where to come looking for me now if he needs to.
The light flooding into this room is warm and pleasant, but my eyes still squint, not used to how bright it is. Across from the door, I see the reason for the copious amount of light. A set of bay windows is set up as a cozy reading nook full of pillows and blankets. That is definitely where I'll be spending my afternoon, I decide. A little vitamin D would surely do me well.
I trail my fingers over the many spines of books and look for something familiar that I can dip into for a little while. I want a world to get lost in that is as far removed from my current one as possible. I recognize titles here and there, and eventually, I find The Name of The Wind by Patrick Rothfuss. It's always been one of my favorites, and I snatch it off the shelf.
This edition of the book is fantastic. It has a beautiful specialty cover and illustrated pages throughout that picture important scenes and characters. There's even an index in the back of the book for all of the new world building he incorporated, including the currency used for it. This is a special book, and it warms me up from the inside out, though I suppose that could also be all the sunlight. I settle into the nook and begin to devour as many pages as I can.
I emerge from the world of Temerant around an hour later. Kvothe's story is one of tragedy, but there is something about reading about sorrow that isn't your own that provides comfort even in sad moments. Even when he loses everything he holds dear to him, he keeps going. That persistence makes me want to keep pushing forward, too, to be more like him.
My mind is quick to remind me, though, that my life isn't a story. The concept of moving forward is attractive and inspiring, but only as a concept. I look out at the life playing out in front of me and feel a heavy weight in my chest, drawing me down. I'm stuck here. I'm not the main character. I'm not the hero who survives the odds. I'm the damsel in distress who needs someone to rescue her. I'm the girl who is too weak to make anything of herself.
Suddenly, there's too much open space around me and I simultaneously feel like the walls are closing in again. I'm vulnerable and exposed, and there's nothing I can do to make the feelings stop. My eyes stare blankly out of the window, and I clutch my knees tighter to my body, hoping that I won't fall apart. Hyperventilating sobs begin to rack my body, and I can't catch my breath. Can't stop the tears or the sorrow.
It feels like I've been like this forever but also like it just started when I hear the door click open and footsteps fall near me. Inuyasha whispers as he enters the room.
"Kagome?" He asks. I don't respond.
"I heard you crying. Can I come in?" I don't have the words to answer. He comes in anyway and slowly approaches the nook, crouching down to get on my level.
"How can I help?" He asks so gently, but all I can do is close my eyes tightly and will the tears to stop. They don't.
I'm so pathetic and helpless. I just know he hates that he has to try to help me when I have no ability to help myself. He stands up from his crouch near me, proving my point as I think he's going to leave. Now, I'm crying harder at the thought of remaining alone. I don't know how much more time I can spend like this before I shatter.
"Please don't go." I choke the words out just as the cushion under me shifts, and I can feel him climbing in behind me.
"I'm just going to hold you, okay?" He asks. I nod to the best of my ability. He presses his body against my back and wraps an arm around my torso. His leg also wraps around my legs like he's trying to weigh me down.
The feeling is extremely welcome, and I slowly feel like I'm coming back to my body. The sobs die down, and I'm just left with sniffles and tremors as my body tries to calm itself. My hands rise up to press against my chest, and despite my attempts to calm down, I can feel my bounding pulse just by touching the skin there.
"Inuyasha?" I ask with a shuddering breath. "Can you do the throat thing?"
"I've got you. Come here." He says, and situates me so my back is flush against his chest. He wraps an arm around my throat and pushes against my carotid arteries; my brain goes fuzzy in response.
"There you go. Keep breathing for me." He whispers. I can feel the pressure build in my head. There's a whooshing sound in my ears as I let my heavy head fall back against him. My breathing starts to return to normal, and my heart starts to settle into a steady rhythm again.
I lift my arms and hold on to his arm with both of my hands before leaning into the touch. It's soothing. I feel for a moment like I can access my thoughts, and my mind wanders toward the implications of this situation. And now, I'm thinking about me and Inuyasha naked, bodies pressed together in the same way. It sends a little jolt of arousal through me that I haven't felt for years.
It's then that I realize I'm pressed against a demon I barely know who is, by all intents and purposes, choking me. The laughter that emanates from me then probably sounds psychotic. I'm laughing hysterically with my entire body, and it's the most cathartic thing I've done in days. I can't remember the last time I laughed like this.
"What is it?" Inuyasha asks. He looks like he's checking over my whole body to make sure I'm okay.
"I-I just- realized," I stutter over the words as I try to catch my breath. "How ridiculous this is!" I continue laughing, and he joins in, seeming like he actually enjoys seeing me happy for the first time in the short period he's known me.
"Thank you," I say. His arm moves back down to my torso, and I get comfortable again lying like this. I feel content like maybe I'm going to be okay. Like sitting here in the widow with Inuyasha is exactly where I'm supposed to be right now.
As soon as my brain moves in that direction, toward happiness or even just contentment, my shoulder startles me by burning and throbbing. I gasp, and my hand flies up over the mark. It's an unfortunate reminder that I don't get to keep my happiness for long. Inuyasha's hand pushes mine out of the way, and he rubs the spot for me instead. The relief I feel is immediate.
"Did you get upset because you remembered that Patrick Rothfus still hasn't released The Doors of Stone?" he asks, piggybacking off of my laughter to lighten the mood again and distract me. He nods toward the copy of The Name of the Wind I was reading before, his chin pressed against the top of my shoulder.
"You know it. After The Wise Man's Fear came out I had so much hope he would actually finish the trilogy. But alas, here we are over a decade later, and still no Doors of Stone in sight." I reply, trying to keep my voice light as I wince from the persistent pain.
"It's like it's fighting back," I complain.
"Fucking prick." He growls in response. His eyes flash red, and I watch as his yoki flares out, trying to compete with the energy of the mark.
The vision evokes a fear inside of me that I am unable to contain. Suddenly I'm standing in my bedroom as Koga loses control. His yoki lashes out to push me down while he attacks me. I can feel every impact. I cover my head with my arms and let out a cry. I feel myself shake and my own voice foreign in my ears as I cry.
"Please stop. I'm sorry." I say over and over and over, waiting for the feeling to die down.
I'm not sure how much time has passed, but when my eyes open again, I'm not in that room anymore. I'm in the nook in Inuyasha's library, and he's holding me, huddled over my body protectively. I press my face against his neck, wanting to hide.
"I'm so sorry. It's never-ending." My voice is raw, but he hears me.
"No, I'm so sorry. It was too much. I didn't mean to trigger you." he rests his cheek against the top of my head and pulls me closer to him. "Are you okay?" He asks.
"Am I ever?" I laugh a little, but it doesn't stick. I'm too tired to keep up any emotions. "Would you mind terribly if I slept?" I ask. Today has been a roller coaster, and I'm feeling it. I find my eyes closing on their own.
Why don't you sleep in my room?" He looks hopeful like he wants to make up for his mistake. I nod at him, and he surprises me by standing effortlessly from the window seat without putting me down. He carries me down the stairs to his room.
InuyashaSango left for work a while ago, and so far, Kagome seems okay. I heard her footsteps out in the hall, and it sounded like she went to the library. I hope that she can find something to help bring her some comfort, but I still find myself keeping an ear out for her, regardless.
I've been stuck in meetings all morning, but it looks like that may be slowing down soon. Having to see my stuck-up brother's face on my computer screen really sours my mood. Right now, he's droning on about financial projections and changes to the company's image and business model.
My father is the President of The Taisho Company, Sesshomaru the VP, and for all intents and purposes, acting CEO. It is a demon-owned and operated parent company that heads several smaller businesses that operate within different spheres. We own entertainment companies creating safe spaces for demons, products exclusively meant for demons, and even a yokai social networking platform. It is a lucrative, successful company that almost everyone in the yokai world is aware of and utilizes. Its standing is what makes my family so important in the world of yokai politics and society.
Lately, we've been trying to beat out our competing company, East & Wolf Associates, which has its hands in many of the same pots as us. Their downfall will ultimately be their refusal to incorporate any cross-species amenities. They are yokai exclusive, where we want to go be a leading name in yokai human relations since that is the inevitable way of the world these days.
"With EWA holding fast to their pledge of being yokai exclusive, I think we can really get a leg up on the integration aspect of our endeavors. Now we will hear from marketing on what to expect over the next few months." Sesshomaru orders over our team call. I begrudgingly unmute myself, careful not to roll my eyes at him with the camera now on.
"Good morning, everyone. After some in-depth discussions with my team and the finance department, we've decided on a multi-tiered, long-term rollout strategy that will slowly incorporate more human representation into our advertising. This will align with changes made to each subsidiary as they expand their involvement in cross-species inclusion. If you refer to subpoint D on the plan I sent over this morning, we have a schedule detailing exactly which pieces will start and when so that everyone can review and provide their feedback. Myoga will take over from here for the details and breakdown of the deployment plan step by step. As always, I am available if there are additional questions." I finish my well-rehearsed speech and mute myself once again.
Fortunately, I am able to delegate most of my tasks to Myoga and get by by only doing what I absolutely have to in my job. I think a lot of people would look at that as the evils of nepotism, and I would agree wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, I have to be here if I want to keep up any type of relationship with my family, so here I am, gaming the system.
"Thank you, sir," Myoga says, and his voice fades into the background as I let my mind wander away.
It's not that I'm bad at my job, per se. In fact, I would argue that I'm pretty good at it. My issue is that it's just not a passion of mine in any way. I couldn't care less about the development of the company or my family's standing in yokai society. If it were up to me, I'd be some unknown artist with a struggling personal gallery somewhere far away from here.
My phone pings in the distance and I reach for it, expecting to see a message from Sango checking in. Instead, I see a text from Kikyo.
Kikyo [1:22 PM] It's been a while. Think I can come over tonight?
Inuyasha [1:22 PM] Why? Is your boyfriend too busy for you?
Kikyo [1:23 PM] As a matter of fact, he has plans tonight. But I just miss you. Please?
Inuyasha [1:23 PM] I don't know Kikyo.
My response sucks, I know that. I should be pushing back harder and telling her she's wrong for this. But here I am with this ache in my chest, begging me to say yes. Begging me to just give in this one time. I sigh, exasperated, as my phone chimes again.
Kikyo [1:25 PM] I think you do know. I think you want this. I'll be over at 8.
I stop and stare at my phone for several minutes before settling on the only reply I can think of.
Inuyasha [1:30 PM] K.
Well, that settles that, I guess. I feel sick to my stomach as I read over the messages, but I quickly shove the feeling away. I'm just being dramatic. I tune back into the meeting for a moment to see if I can get away with taking the rest of it in my studio. If I disconnect my camera, I can at least keep it running while I get back to the piece I'm currently working on. It's been one of the only things on my mind for the last few days.
Kagome and Sango living at my place has done some crazy things for my art. They've inspired a handful of projects that I think will end up being some of my favorites. Typically, my art is very focused on belonging and family pressure. But after spending so much time with Kagome I feel like I can better depict what it looks like to lose a part of yourself.
I hope that sometime soon, I can really share that with her and see if it resonates the same way it does for me, but I don't quite think we're there yet. I disconnect my laptop from its dock and start heading down the hall when I hear Kogame's unmistakable cries. They sound muffled, but I can hear them clearly.
Fuck. I kick myself for being stupid enough to get distracted when I was supposed to be keeping an eye on her. I'm supposed to be the one looking after her, and she's sitting in my library alone, shaking with sobs. Idiot. I chastise myself. I leave the meeting running, camera off and muted, and go to check in on her.
I quietly approach the doorway and click it open to see her huddled in the nook. My collector's edition copy of The Name of The Wind is sitting next to her, and I can't help but wonder if the book was a little too heavy for her in this state.
"Kagome?" I ask. She doesn't respond, but her crying quiets down a little, and I can see her flinching away from me. "I heard you crying. Can I come in?" I walk in anyway and crouch down beside her, knowing she isn't ready for words yet with how hard she's been crying. She looks so helpless, and all I find myself wanting is to wrap her up in my arms and show her that everything is going to be okay.
"How can I help?" I ask, knowing that she has no idea and wouldn't tell me even if she did. I think back to the last few days and remember that touch seems to have helped her every time she's felt like this. I stand up to move in behind her, and her panic makes my heart ache for her.
"Please don't go." Her words are desperate and lonely, but she doesn't lift her head to look at me. If anything, she curls into herself even harder.
"I'm just going to hold you, okay?" I explain, and I see some of the tension leave her hunched shoulders as she nods in agreement.
I wrap her up in my arms and hook my legs around her as well so that she is surrounded. I feel her start to relax against me, sagging under the weight of her heavy pain. I hear her heartbeat start to slow down, and the tears that were rapidly falling seem to come fewer and farther between.
She raises her hands to the arm I have draped over her chest, just below her throat, and she holds it tightly. I'm not if she realizes that she's pushing it toward her, but I can guess what she's thinking before she asks,
"Inuyasha? Can you do the throat thing?" The words are barely a whisper. I'm already moving to accommodate it.
"I've got you. Come here." She tilts her head back and I press my arm against her, careful to still allow her to breathe while keeping pressure against the sides.
"There you go. Keep breathing for me." I remind her.
Both of her arms have come to rest on mine, and she melts into me. This is the most vulnerable I've seen her in the short time I've known her, and her trust in me fills my entire body with warmth. I'm not sure what it is about her and Sango, but the most primal parts of me want to protect them. I rest my head against hers and allow myself a moment to enjoy her presence while she is calmer. I think it may be my imagination, but I sense arousal coming from her before she's suddenly laughing. I start to worry that maybe she finally broke, but she genuinely sounds amused.
"What is it?" I ask.
"I-I just- realized," She stutters with laughter, "How ridiculous this is." Her laughter is infectious, and I find myself laughing too. This stranger who came to live with me just a few days ago is curled up in my arms and completely taking over my every thought. She's right, it is absurd.
"Thank you," she says, dismissing my arm from its place around her neck. I move down but don't let go of her. I'm not ready to let go yet, and I don't think she'd let me anyway. Being physically connected to her puts me at ease just as much as it does her, and I want to enjoy her smile a little longer.
Her brief moment of peace is suddenly ruined by pain. I can hear her intake of breath as her hand flies up to her shoulder and holds it. My barely contained rage comes bubbling back to the surface when I see her like this. I realized quickly that Koga was doing this on purpose. His connection to her through a mating bond would allow him some sense of her emotions. I think that he is causing her pain when he senses that she isn't miserable. He wants to remind her that he is still around, waiting for her in the dark corners.
I cover her shoulder with my hand and allow some of my yoki to flow into the mark. Introducing competing energy helps weaken the connection, decreasing the pain. This takes an emotional toll on me. I can feel her emotions more strongly, and I feel more connected to her, but it's worth it. If it can ease some of this for her, then I can deal with it.
I consider doing, for the thousandth time since I heard about that unwanted mark, the one thing I know would remove his mark from her forever. I want to take it away and make it better, but replacing it with my own would introduce a whole host of other complications. That would need to be a much bigger discussion and on a very different day. I decide to distract her instead.
"Did you get upset because you remembered that Patrick Rothfus still hasn't released The Doors of Stone?" I ask, attempting to lighten the mood a little.
"You know it. After The Wise Man's Fear came out, I had so much hope he would actually finish the trilogy. But alas, here we are over a decade later, and still no Doors of Stone in sight." Her answer garners a genuine laugh from me, but despite her attempt to join in, I can see how much pain her shoulder is causing her.
"It's like it's fighting back." She complains.
"Fucking prick," I growl, letting my yoki flare out stronger to try to tamp it down. I see the moment I've fucked up as her eyes glaze over. She's far away with panic flooding her body. She starts to kick out and flail and fight against my hold, whimpering and crying in pain.
"Please stop. I'm sorry." She says it over and over again. I hold her tighter, trying to help her through this.
I should have known that could be a trigger for her; I was so reckless that I only made this worse. After several minutes, her breathing begins to regulate, and she sits upright, blinking away the fog and seeing me again.
"I'm so sorry." Her voice is raw and scratchy, tugging at my heart.
"No, I'm so sorry. It was too much. I didn't mean to trigger you." I rest my cheek against the top of my her and pull her closer, my yoki making me want to hold her even closer. "Are you okay?" I ask.
"Am I ever?" she laughs, but it sounds hollow. "Would you mind terribly if I slept?" she asks, her eyes heavy.
"Why don't you come sleep in my room?" I offer, and when she nods, I pick her up and carry her down the stairs. My work is long forgotten now, and I know I won't get more than a slap on the wrist for going AWOL for the rest of the shift. This is more important anyway.
With Kagome snuggly nestled under the blankets I turn out the lights and sit on top of the blankets on the bed next to her. I spend several minutes scrolling through different streaming options before settling on an anime I've never seen before that seems to catch her attention. Nearing the end of an episode I start to notice her eyes getting heavy, but she continues tossing and turning like she can't get comfortable.
"Inuyasha?"
"Yeah?"
"Would you get under the blankets with me?" She asks, cheeks turning red.
"Glady." I agree; my body wishing for nothing more.
Hours later, the sun had fully disappeared behind the windows when we both came to. She blinks awake, and I expect her to panic, but instead, she burrows further under the blankets and rests her forehead against my chest.
"I hate naps!" She yells. "I always feel so gross when I wake up. Whoever feels rested after a nap is my nemesis." She says, and I laugh out loud at her. My laugh causes her to start snickering back, and soon were both a mess of giggles.
"Good morning to you, too." I chuckle as she pops the top of her head out from under the blankets to glare at me.
"Why are you so cheery?" She groans.
"Demons need less sleep than humans. Guess I'm your nemesis." I say with a playful glare back at her.
"The betrayal! How dare you!" She says before rolling toward the edge of the bed. My arms circle her waist and pull her back to me, yoki still urging me to be touching her.
"I'll take that as the inciting incident for war," I argue, pulling her flush against me.
"I have to pee!" She laughs, pulling herself from my grasp as I let her go easily. When she opens the bathroom door, she plops down onto the bed next to me and takes my hand.
"Thank you for making my day better. I don't remember the last time I laughed this much," she says, and her smile looks genuine.
"Me either, if I'm being honest. How are you feeling overall? I know earlier was a lot." I ask, squeezing her fingers in mine.
"Mostly just—" She pauses and runs the fingers of her opposite hand through her hair. "I'm just frustrated. I'm a priestess, for Gods' sake. I should be able to protect myself, and a little yoki shouldn't terrify me. But after being tortured with it for years—" She trails off, the light I was so excited to see in her eyes now a distant memory.
"You've tried to fight back with it before?" I ask.
"So many times. He was really good at challenging it and pushing it back down." She explains.
"Hmm." I muse for a moment, considering what I know about reiki. "Have you ever trained with someone to get stronger?"
"Not really. My grandpa runs a shrine, so I'm familiar with a lot of the concepts, but they never wanted me to use them. My family is incredibly superstitious, and apparently, in our family tree, there were countless priestesses who died protecting our family's shrine and the Shikon Jewel. They didn't want that fate for me. It's all silly fairy tales." She explains, rolling her eyes.
Those 'fairy tales' run pretty strong through the demon community, too. I've certainly heard them before, and I'm surprised that her family is connected to them. Her clear embarrassment tells me this isn't the time to ask about that, though.
"Is that how you ended up at Shikon U?" I laugh lightly at her expression; she's cute when she's embarrassed.
"Yeah. It's close to home, and my grandad saw it as a good omen that I was accepted. Said it was the jewel continuing our family legacy or something." She admits, shaking her head.
"Trust me. I can relate to that." I agree, sighing. I'm no stranger to overbearing family.
"Tell me." She says, and she looks genuinely interested.
"My parents have always had a plan for me. My Dad is a huge deal in the demon world. One of, if not the most powerful demon to have ever existed. He has been grooming my brother to take over his spot for centuries. Sesshomaru is full demon, like Dad, and the oldest, so he is the obvious choice. Both of my parents understand the weight of the title, and they want me to be prepared to not only represent the family name but also take over the reins if anything ever happens.
"I was raised to not only be a fighter but also charismatic, smart, and cunning. I think in the past that would have meant something, but it's not the feudal era anymore, so maintaining your position in the world is all about power and influence, not about how well you swing a sword. One thing the Taishos aren't lacking these days is power and influence, let me tell you that." I grimace, and as though she's not thinking through the action she smooths the lines from my forehead.
"I'm sorry for the weight you're carrying. Prodigal son or not, that's a lot to hold." She offers. I look down at her and find so much understanding and compassion in her gaze. The fact that she can hold so much empathy while experiencing something horrifying really speaks to how incredible of a person she is.
Our eyes are locked on each other in this moment of understanding; it's like we both see each other for who the other person really is. Her hand rises to my cheek, and I don't flinch at the contact, giving her space to do whatever she feels comfortable with. Just as her gaze flits to my lips, my phone rings. I sigh and reach for it, breaking the moment.
"Hey," I say, answering when I see Sango's name.
"Hey! I'm on my way home now. Sorry, I got a little held up."
"Yeah? Cool. See you soon then."
"How's Kagome? Do you guys want food?"
"Kagome, do you want anything? Sango is stopping on the way home." I ask.
"Ice cream, please. She knows what I like." She answers.
"She said ice cream," I respond, and I hear Sango scoff.
"She can't just eat ice cream for dinner. I'll get burgers, too. You guys holding up alright?" She asks, and I hear the concern in her voice.
"Yeah, we're good. We're hanging out in my room. Just woke up from a nap," I say.
"What?" Sango yells, and I hear Kagome gasp from next to me. That must have been loud enough for her to hear.
"Chill out, San. She didn't need to be alone right now." I sigh.
"Don't tell me to chill out! Be gentle with her, Inuyasha. I don't want her to get the wrong idea about your expectations for her." I roll my eyes, thankful she can't see me.
"Just get home safe, okay?" I respond and end the call. She'll calm down once she's back here.
"I don't want to worry her," Kagome says, picking at her nails anxiously.
"She's gonna be fine. You know San. She's just worried about you." I say, laying my hand over hers to still the nervous motion.
"She's always worried about me." She says, sighing and falling back on the bed. "Thank you, Inuyasha."
"For what?" I ask.
"For giving a shit."