Author's Note: So I was very worried about writing and certainly about posting this because... it seems like an odd idea. But I also thought it was unique but believable enough to at least give it a shot.
So hopefully someone else enjoys it too. It was fun to explore such a well known episode in this way.
Warning: Spoilers for Common Ground... this is a tag of sorts, but picks up approximately 6 months following that episode.
Major Evan Lorne stood nervously outside of the Colonel's office, shifting absentmindedly from foot to foot. He knew, technically speaking, this was a good idea for the new recruits - probably even for some of their older Atlantean soldiers - but he didn't know how Colonel Sheppard would take it. And understandably so. Lorne couldn't even imagine…
But if he was going to bring the idea to Sheppard, he needed to do it soon. The Colonel had been grounded for the past week, recovering from a rough mission that left him with multiple, but not serious, injuries. Of course, his beat up condition had seemed like nothing more than an annoyance to him: concussion, dislocated shoulder and a stab wound somewhere on his torso would easily have many stuck in bed for days, moaning about the pain. But not the Colonel. He had been doing paperwork and rounds for the past few days, trying to keep himself from dying of boredom.
"Major."
Evan's head snapped towards the Colonel's doorway, which now housed the man himself. Sheppard stared at him with a cocked eyebrow, the butterfly bandage on his forehead wrinkling in confusion. Or perhaps suspicion.
"Whatcha doing?"
It was said with a hint of curiosity, not so much annoyance, but still had Lorne feeling that much more nervous. Why did Evan think he could lurk outside Colonel Sheppard's office unnoticed? He briefly considered making an excuse and bolting. Instead, his body defaulted to deeply ingrained military habits and immediately snapped to attention, salute and all.
"Sorry, sir."
But Sheppard's frown just deepened and he threw up a questioning hand, "What are you doing, Lorne? You rarely salute me… Oh for heaven's sake, at ease, soldier."
Evan shook his head as he lowered his hand. This was going from bad to worse.
"Now what is all of this about?"
Evan took a deep breath. "Sir, I had an idea that I wanted to run by you. But… I don't really know how you're going to feel about it and…"
"Just come in and sit down," Sheppard said absently, waving him in. "And stop beating around the bush and just come out with it. I've seen you less nervous than this while being attacked by some of the Pegasus Galaxy's worst."
In all fairness, that was probably a true statement. On missions, things were usually pretty straightforward. Take out the bad guys, protect the good guys. But this was a difficult conversation with his commanding officer and a man who he respected more than any other man he had met, other than his own father.
"Right," he took a deep breath and tried to recall the many, many times he had practiced this in front of his mirror for the past week or so. "So this is just an idea. And it may be a horrible one and we don't have to do it anytime soon, if at all…"
"Lorne."
"Right, sorry," he shook his head, agreeing that he was definitely still beating about the bush. "You know how the Deadalus is bringing in new recruits next week?"
Sheppard nodded, his full attention on his second-in-command.
"And you know how we have a whole training day on just the wraith? Describing them and how they fight, how they look and how they… how they feed?"
The Colonel shifted, eyes still trained on Evan. "I'll admit I haven't attended enough of these training sessions lately, but that sounds about right, yeah."
Lorne shifted again and took another steadying breath, knowing this was the moment he had been dreading. "Well sir, it occurred to me that we have a resource that would show them all of that. A resource that would really emphasize just how formidable of an enemy they are. Trying to describe them is one thing…"
"But watching them feed on another human is another, right?" Sheppard finished, realization and understanding now fully covering his tired features. Beyond that, Lorne couldn't yet ascertain what emotions - if any - the Colonel was feeling at the idea of him playing the torture sessions he'd faced for a room full of new recruits.
"Like I said, it may be a horrible idea. It's just… how do you adequately prepare these guys with words alone? I remember the first time I saw one of those things while on a mission and it about paralyzed me. I just… Sir, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even suggested it."
But Sheppard was quiet, just staring at him and seemingly in deep thought. Evan once again considered making a run for it, but it was already out there now.
"Interesting thought," his CO finally said after a few moments. "I agree it could be helpful in ways but…don't you think it would send a few wrong messages along the way?"
It was Lorne who frowned this time.
"What do you mean, sir?"
Sheppard sighed and shifted in his seat, wincing slightly when he moved wrong against either the injured shoulder, or maybe the now repaired knife wound. "Well, first of all, I'm alive and I'm not old. That isn't exactly a common outcome if caught by the wraith. Secondly… I've heard some of the rumors. The Military Commander of this base was captured, weakened and then teamed up with a wraith in order to escape. Not the best optics… Not sure I want to lose the new guys before I even have a chance to gain their trust. Especially since I'm sure I've lost the respect of some of our existing guys as it is."
Lorne stopped and took in the sight of the normally unshakable Colonel Sheppard. The man looked weighed down with a heaviness that went far beyond his current physical state. Evan seemed to have brought up a deep wound for his CO. One that Evan had never imagined would be there, given how respected he knew the Colonel was.
"Sir," he began carefully, realizing now that he had to try to make this right. "Have you… did you ever watch those videos? I mean, I know you were there, obviously, but have you seen them since?"
Sheppard smirked slightly, "No, but they're on my watch list, right after The Notebook and My Big Fat Greek Wedding."
Lorne chuckled slightly at the sarcasm but continued right along.
"Well, I can assure you that no one else sees anything close to weakness when they watch them," Evan said sternly, hating the fact that Sheppard had been thinking anything differently for the past six months. "I mean, yeah, you're clearly in pain and…"
"Dying?"
"Yeah… dying, I guess. But the point is, every soldier knows being captured, tortured, killed… it's a possibility every time we step through the gate. Hell, it has happened right here on Atlantis a time or two. But you… you stayed strong throughout all of it. Never gave in or gave up, never begged. And you still managed to find a way to escape before help arrived. That is definitely a message I want to send to the new guys."
Sheppard was still listening carefully, his eyebrows furrowed as he took it in all in. Lorne wasn't entirely certain what the man was thinking but he had to make at least one more point.
"As for teaming up with a wraith?" he continued, still trying to choose his words carefully. "Yeah, that took some by surprise but the Marines who were there that day when you were rescued… they set everyone straight. And from all accounts I've heard, our guys are just happy you're back and can still lead us. They trust you, sir. We all do."
The Colonel nodded and then waved his hand absentmindedly. "Stop trying to suck up, Major. It's unbecoming."
Lorne chuckled, appreciating the moment of levity. Honestly, having watched those transmissions himself some time ago while helping to complete some mission reports for the SGC, he remembered being both horrified and inspired. He had watched the Colonel come back on duty, seeming mostly like his normal self soon after. He remembered how in awe most of the military personnel - hell, everyone - had been in those following days and had wanted to talk to the Colonel himself. Say something - anything - to convey how truly relieved he was that Sheppard was still with them and would live to fight another day.
But that wasn't really the way of a soldier. And it certainly wasn't your normal topic of discussion with your CO. So Evan had just let it go and slipped back into the everyday routine.
"Look," the Colonel started, leaning back in his chair, "I put you in charge of the training roster for a reason. If you clear it with Dr. Weir and if you really think that it will help somehow, then sure. Why not? Everyone has been making up what is on those transmissions anyway. Might as well set the record straight."
Lorne nodded, "Thank you, sir."
And with that, Lorne finally was able to make the exit that he had been longing for for the past few minutes. As he went, however, he was pleased overall and decided that it had gone far better than he expected. Then again, he never really knew what to expect with the Colonel anyway.
—- ONE WEEK LATER —-
John felt his heart beating hard against his chest as he watched people filing into the large Duty Room from the balcony above. There were definitely some newbies heading in, but he also saw a large number of familiar faces walking through the doorway as well.
Truth be told, he and Lorne had always encouraged as many people as possible to attend some of these new recruit training sessions. A show of solidarity and a way to welcome people to an entirely new galaxy. And John, himself, tried to attend as many as he could but with his busy schedule, he wasn't always the best at showing up.
Still, he had never seen this many interested in welcoming the new recruits. He sighed and rolled his eyes, knowing that word of Lorne's bright idea to use his damn torture sessions as a training opportunity had undoubtedly gotten out.
A part of him had been compelled to throw Lorne out of his office when the idea had first been introduced, but he had to admit, Lorne had a good point. Wraith were unlike anything any of these guys would have encountered back home. Words would never do them justice and no amount of "space vampire" jokes could ever come close, either. The only way to know how terrifying they were was to see them for yourself. And, until now, the only way to achieve that was randomly during off world missions.
No, John thought solemnly, if there was a way to better prepare the men and women under his command for the horrors they could - and likely would - face during their time in the Pegasus Galaxy, then playing those transmissions would be worth it. Besides, they also needed to fully understand why the wraith could never be allowed to make it back to Earth.
It still didn't make him feel any better about what these people were about to see. And it didn't make his decision on whether or not to sit in on it any easier, either.
He had considered watching the videos on more than one occasion, but hadn't yet brought himself to do so. Dr. Heightmeyer had suggested it could be a strong tool in overcoming his trauma, something about immersion therapy, but Sheppard wasn't usually the kind to dwell on things. As he had told his team almost immediately after making it back to Atlantis, he just wanted normal. He couldn't change what had happened, all he could do was take the good days with the bad and keep on keeping on.
So that's what he had done.
And the nightmares were coming less frequently. The unexpected touch of a well-meaning friend or passerby no longer made him jump, at least not noticeably. All in all, he was doing just fine, especially since his team had mostly snapped back to their normal routine and banter.
But now… Now he had a choice.
And truthfully, the only reason he was even considering joining in on this dog and pony show wasn't to help his own recovery over the torture itself. No, the thing that plagued him more than anything else about the entire ordeal with Kolya was the fact that people had seen the videos. And not just his friends, but anyone and everyone in the control room that day. And naturally, people talk so the past six months had been filled with various versions of the torture, the escape and the Colonel's relationship - or lack thereof - with a wraith, of all things.
So if he could stomach watching the videos himself, he would at least have an idea of what people would be basing their opinions on, in addition to simply showing the truth, good or bad.
John checked his watch and knew it was about to begin, so he took a deep breath and made his choice.
Last step, he thought to himself as he descended the stairs. After this, it's done. At least until I kill Kolya.
He was careful to scout the area before entering the room, not wanting to be seen. He figured watching the videos for the first time in a room full of people would certainly help keep any major reactions to a bare minimum but, just in case, he strategically found a spot at the back of the room. He remained standing, back up against the door, so he could make a quick and easy retreat if needed.
He glanced around the room quickly and saw that the new recruits all sat close together, talking nervously between each other and glancing around the room at all of the new faces. Maybe trying to figure out who was who. Then there were the others - the ones who had been here longer - who all chatted amongst themselves as well.
Sheppard considered them looky-loos who were finally going to get to see what had happened that day for themselves. John felt uncomfortable at the idea of so many people wanting to watch his torture, but a part of him knew it wasn't personal. At least not for most of them. No, it was a morbid curiosity that most people possess that had that room filled. Besides, with the rumors and stories that had undoubtedly been circulating through the Atlantis base, many of them probably just wanted to see for themselves.
"Attention!"
The call came loudly as Major Lorne stepped onto the slightly raised floor, their makeshift stage, and stopped at the podium. The whole room quieted down suddenly while all of the military personnel stood at attention. John joined in, as well, in the effort to blend in. His still healing shoulder protested slightly, but nothing he couldn't handle. Pain just meant you were still alive.
"At ease," Lorne said simply, also not one to relish the feeling of importance that came with being the ranking official in the room. Something that he liked about Lorne and yet another reason he wanted the Major as his second in command; if you were in it for the power and glory, you weren't someone Sheppard wanted. Pretty simple.
"I see we have many faces here today, new and seasoned. Even some non-security members of the expedition are in the crowd today," he began, a questioning look on his face as he cut his eyes slightly towards the group of veteran Atlantean expedition members. "It's so very nice to finally have you all show up to welcome a new group," he added with a hint of sarcasm in his tone.
They shuffled nervously in their seats, making John chuckle to himself, but Lorne kept going.
"Today is day three of your training, with a focus on this galaxy's most formidable enemy: the wraith. I am not interested in keeping you here all day, and unlike previous training sessions, we are now able to provide you all with a very real, very visual representation of not only what wraith look like, but the effects their feedings have on a human being."
The room suddenly seemed split between nervous anticipation and naive curiosity. John shifted uncomfortably, wondering if he should just abort the mission and leave before the show began.
"I will warn you, these videos are unsettling and difficult to watch," Lorne continued solemnly, "However, it was decided that it would be better for all of you to be introduced to the wraith in this way, than to first see them while on a mission, as the rest of us have had to do."
There was a murmur that ran through the room. John couldn't make out any of it, but based on the faces of the newcomers, the anticipation was quickly mounting. As for the others… John couldn't really get a read on them just yet.
"To set the stage, one of our teams was lured out on what was believed to be a peaceful meeting with one of our allies," Lorne continued efficiently, interestingly leaving out the fact that it was the SGA-1 team, led by the Colonel. "It ended up being an ambush in which a member of the team was captured. We, of course, returned immediately to retrieve him, but he had already been taken to another unknown planet. The video transmissions you are about to see show the attempts made by the captor to trade his life for someone else's. While the offer had been difficult to turn down, our expedition leader, Dr. Weir, stood firm - as was the right thing to do - but in response, the captured team member was fed upon. The video will begin just before the wraith appears."
He then nodded to one of the lieutenants who was sitting in the corner at a computer, and stepped aside as a large screen slowly descended from the ceiling. Since when did we snag one of those, John thought to himself. Regardless, any hopes of the video being shown from a small, hard to see television screen plummeted quickly.
Before he could consider it any further, the somewhat dark, grainy image of Acostus Kolya suddenly appeared on the screen in all of his self-righteous, determined glory. It sent a fresh, hot wave of hatred coursing through John's veins, which he bit back and remained steady and calm on the outside.
"Allow me to help expedite your decision," Kolya sneered from the screen, and John was suddenly thankful that Lorne had cut out a lot of the homicidal foreplay Kolya had led his team and Dr. Weir in. That also meant that the video would be cutting right to the chase.
John then felt warmth suddenly appear next to him and realized that his attempt to remain completely hidden at the back of the room was already beginning to fail.
He turned quickly to see Elizabeth standing beside him, a look of concern on her face as she searched his eyes with her own troubled ones.
"You sure you want to do this?" she whispered.
He bit his lip and replied, "I think I have to."
She nodded before turning back to the screen, "I think I have to as well."
The camera then shifted towards the back of the room where two Genii soldiers were escorting in the wraith. Hard to see at first, John saw everyone in the room craning their heads a bit, trying to get a better look. John rolled his eyes slightly. He had personally seen far too many of them up close.
"Oh my God," Weir's voice sounded through the speakers, her palpable fear echoing through the room. He glanced at her, but saw her eyes staring at the ground. He pushed the anger back down again, despising the fact that she was having to relive this.
"Sheppard could have left you to rot down in that hole the last time we met, Kolya. He does NOT deserve this!"
It was strange listening to this now, because even as he watched his own chest begin rising more quickly on the screen, he didn't remember hearing McKay say that. It was a surreal experience, but one he found interesting. At that point, his mind had just been racing as he knew what was about to happen. Knew his entire team was on Atlantis, not about to burst through the door and save him in the nick of time.
He saw some movement from the other side of the room, the only other entrance/exit from the Duty Room, and noticed his team standing together. As far as he knew, they hadn't seen him there just yet.
He supposed being here was something all of them felt they needed. Hopefully they would be right.
"Let's be clear, Dr. McKay, no one does." That smug son of a bitch.
"Don't do this," Elizabeth's voice came again. "Don't do it."
She squirmed next to him again, and he wondered if he should try to comfort her. But he never was particularly good at that sort of thing.
"You don't have to stay," he whispered, trying to convey a sense of understanding to her. He wasn't sure why she felt the need to be there, but if it was to prove something to him, then he wanted her to know that was entirely unnecessary.
She just nodded, however, and looked forward, her arms held tightly around her torso. She wasn't going anywhere. And neither was he.
"The choice is yours, Dr. Weir," Kolya responded calmly, relishing the control he had over all of them in that moment. "Do we have an arrangement?"
There was a deafening silence, one John remembered so well, as he tried to steady himself for what was about to happen. Behind Kolya, Sheppard watched the video version of himself looking forward, breathing strongly and faster than normal. He had tried so hard to look strong, knowing that his team and especially Elizabeth would be struggling with this. But at the same time, he really did not want to be there. He had been scared. There was no other way around it, especially after having seen what the wraith could do to people too many times before. Now it was his turn.
John took a deep breath, remembering exactly what Kolya's next words were: "Very well."
What John didn't expect was the look of slight surprise in the man's face. Apparently he had not expected Weir to turn down his offer.
Regardless, it was time for the real show to begin. The anticipation was palpable in the room and John could feel his own heart begin to beat strongly against his chest, remembering a similar feeling on that very day as the wraith's hand restraint was removed.
With a strangled growl from the wraith, the deadly hand descended swiftly, hungrily down to his victim. John's hands immediately straightened to his sides, fists grasping and letting go rhythmically, as he watched the video version of himself throw his head back, back arching against the restraints. The veins in his neck looked like they were on the verge of exploding.
The deafening howl of a feeding wraith drowned out almost any other sounds and John found himself relieved that no screams or yells could be heard from himself, even though he couldn't remember if he'd screamed or not.
Just then, a warm hand slid into his own and held on tightly. It was an unexpected moment of human contact with Elizabeth, but for once, John welcomed it. He had felt so alone that day, but right now, he was far from alone. As he dared a glance at his team across the room, he saw that they, too, had each other and were staying strong. McKay looked sick as he stared at the floor. Teyla took deep, steadying breaths as she held her gaze strongly on the screen and Ronon stared, looking nothing short of murderous. He chuckled at the thought of what Ronon would do if given a chance to be alone in a room with Kolya.
"Stop," the pleas of Elizabeth pulled him from his thoughts. "Stop!"
With a nod of his head, Kolya called off the wraith and just like that, it was over. His onscreen self sat, head barely able to be held completely upright and chest heaving. But once again, he was proud that he had still remained conscious, wasn't crying or screaming, all of which had crossed his mind at the time. The pain of the feeding itself had burned hot through every single nerve ending in his body but the direct aftermath seared like a horrible burn all over his body. It radiated and overwhelmed him. But watching himself now, it looked only like he was very tired.
"You crossed a line, Kolya."
The video then paused after Dr. Weir's searing threat (and with that also came the removal of her hand in his) and the lights came up. Major Lorne walked back to the podium and when he spoke, John could tell he was a bit shaken himself.
"This was the first feeding, and as many of you may have figured out, the captured member is Lt. Colonel John Sheppard."
John took a deep breath, his cheeks burning as he suddenly felt embarrassed but also glad that, so far, Elizabeth seemed to be the only one who knew he was present. The newbies all looked confused, maybe concerned, as they had undoubtedly been told that Sheppard was still the commanding officer.
"He was targeted specifically," Lorne continued, "Due to some deeply routed animosity after the Colonel ruined Kolya's attempt to overtake Atlantis a couple of years back, including single handedly taking out nearly 60 of Kolya's men."
Someone from within the non-military personnel did a "whoop whoop" and a few others offered a short lived clap and cheers. Both of which garnered some chuckles from the room and some confusion from Sheppard. He didn't realize people still regarded him fondly for his actions back then. It was kind of nice, though. Elizabeth shot him a pleased grin, before it quickly faded.
"Yes, yes, it was a fine job," the Major said with a smile, "but certainly didn't make a friend out of Kolya. Anyway, I've decided to skip the second feeding, as I don't see how it would add anything more and I'm not sure about you, but I don't particularly enjoy watching the Colonel suffer more than what is helpful. So this next video takes place after the second feeding, just before the third."
The lights dimmed again and the screen popped to life with the ugly mug of Kolya. John could tell much of the conversation had once again been cut out, Lorne apparently deciding it wasn't important for everyone to know all the ins and outs of what happened. And John found himself thankful, knowing it would spare Elizabeth from hearing herself once again choose to - rightfully - refuse to trade Ladon for John.
"Take your fill."
Those words had absolutely been haunting many of his nightmares to this day so to hear them now garnered some nausea, but also seemed less terrifying than they had at the time.
But once again, the frighteningly older version of himself came under sudden attack as the wraith's growl erupted through the room's speakers. It was an awful sound that had the ability to rattle your very core. Thankfully, the body of the wraith hid John this time, sparing them all the visible representation of extreme pain. He heard Ronon shout in anger through the video recording, but otherwise, no one made a sound. John assumed they had accepted this was the moment in which he was going to die. But then without warning, the wraith withdrew his hand.
"Who told you to stop?" Kolya demanded.
That's when the wraith stepped aside to reveal John and through the audible gasps of horror around the room, John accidentally emitted a slightly too loud sound of disgust. The old version of himself looked downright ancient. John wouldn't say he was an overly handsome man, or anything, but seeing himself like that surprisingly didn't make him feel emotional or scared, just grossed out and a little disappointed. But then again, John was pleasantly surprised that seeing himself at basically his worst didn't bring up overwhelming emotions, either. He supposed it was sinking in that this had happened, yes, but more importantly, life had moved on as normal and he was fine now. But that old man on the screen? Well, he had kind of hoped for more of a Clooney or Harrison Ford aging like fine wine situation. But definitely not…
John probably would have chuckled at himself for having a vain reaction initially if it wasn't for a few nearby heads snapping his way angrily, apparently ready to berate anyone who was commenting on the Colonel's appearance, only to see it was the man himself. The veteran expedition member's eyes grew wide and quickly snapped back to the screen.
He peered over at Elizabeth, who wore a surprised grin.
He shrugged and whispered, "I'm a rough looking old guy."
She shook her head playfully and returned her gaze to the screen. He peeped towards his team and saw that they, too, were watching him with looks ranging between disbelief and amusement.
Shit, John thought to himself. At least it wasn't some of his soldiers who had noticed him or else he may have gotten a few disruptive salutes.
"He is near death," the wraith responded carefully, his tone softer than Kolya's ever had been. It immediately brought his focus back to the screen. "Shall I finish him?"
Kolya paused, looking over John before answering, "Get it out of here."
"Now it's two hours."
Then the video was over.
Lorne took the stage again, his head low as he approached the podium. John sighed, feeling that this was all becoming a little more dramatic than he was hoping for. It was supposed to be a strategic attempt at preparing the new recruits for a very real threat. Not some emotional kumbaya session.
"Sir," a new soldier from the front row stammered as Lorne came to a stop. "I… was this a dramatization or… I thought Colonel Sheppard was still our CO but…"
Lorne shook his head, "Oh no, Lieutenant. This is all very real and yes, thankfully Colonel Sheppard is still our Commanding Officer. Which will make more sense in a few moments. Our final video will show you surveillance footage recovered when the bunker was raided in which Colonel Sheppard and the wraith actually work together to escape."
John suddenly felt like he was plunged into ice cold water. He had no clue footage of his prison breakout existed and had certainly not been made aware that it would be shown here today. He looked at Elizabeth, but she didn't seem surprised at all. How had he missed this for the past six months?
But as the murmurs around the room grew, John felt as though his fears were coming true: he was going to lose all credibility with every expedition member by teaming up with a wraith. And he couldn't fully blame anyone who felt that way. A million thoughts ran through his mind, anything from running out of the room to completely crashing the presentation and forbid it be shown.
But before he had a moment to act on any of it, the lights had dimmed and he was now looking at the dank, dark hallway of the bunker. He watched as the doomed Genii soldiers pulled him and the wraith from their respective cells, and after a quick glance between each other, they became a flurry of movement.
John remembered how hard it had been to work up the energy to fight, but knowing it was his final stand, he gave it everything he had left. He watched as the old man on the screen brought both arms out, pushing his two guards backwards into the metal bars of his cell. It all happened so quickly but somehow, John watched as the disappointingly ugly old man version of himself flipped one of the guards over and started wailing on the other Genii's head.
The fighting continued, including the moment in which the wraith took multiple shots to the abdomen, only to have old man Sheppard throw one of the guard's knives backwards into wraith's attacker.
Not bad for an old guy, John thought to himself. Logically, he knew that old man was technically himself, but watching it now felt as though he were watching someone completely different. It didn't help that he didn't really remember any of this, which was not uncommon for hand-to-hand combat situations. It's generally a rush of adrenaline and you just try to stay alive.
One thing was unmistakable, at least: the old man on the screen and the wraith did not come off as companions or really even partners. The uncertainty in their movements, the hesitation when the immediate threat of Genii was neutralized… it all seemed to portray the situation exactly as it had been: a reluctant and temporary alliance of two natural enemies in a last ditch effort to reclaim their own lives. Or in Sheppard's case, his goal at that point had simply been to die with dignity, not on ascreen at the whim of Kolya.
And within minutes, it was over. The video ended with old man Sheppard and the wraith climbing the stairs, heading toward freedom. How strange it was to watch something like this now as an outsider, especially surrounded by so many people. He wasn't sure about everyone else in the room, but when he looked at his team, he couldn't help but smile. Ronon looked impressed, Teyla wore a proud expression and McKay stared wide eyed at the screen, mouth hanging open. John chuckled and was happy to know that, if nothing else, he still had the support of his team.
With the full lighting now restored and Lorne returning to the podium, Sheppard realized it was finally time to face the music. Whatever people were going to think about him was at least now based on firsthand knowledge of seeing it all for themselves. All the cards were laid out on the table. Well, John thought, except for the whole 'not old anymore' thing.
"I know you all still have some questions," Lorne said as he began to walk conversationally away from the podium, scanning the crowd as he went. "And we will get to that…"
He trailed off and that's when John realized he had been spotted. While he had tried to mostly stay out of Lorne's view by keeping towards the back and in a corner near the door, now that the Major had decided to get all shifty and move around, John's cover was blown.
And despite all effort to non-verbally send the message to not acknowledge him, he saw the moment Major Lorne leaned into his military training on how to handle the presence of the highest ranking officer.
"Room, attention!"
Immediately, all of the military personnel stood from their chairs at attention while the non-military members started looking around, trying to find the source of the commotion.
"Want me to cover for you?" Dr. Weir asked quickly, knowing that this was never his intention.
John sighed and shook his head as more and more people began to notice that he was there, "I try to make a point to never run from a battle."
With that, he began making his way up the nearest isle of people, feeling eyes follow him with every step. Whispers were coming from the non-military personnel but Sheppard was pleased to see that all of his men and women, new and old, remained silent and at attention.
He took the last few steps up to the platform and waved his hand once he reached the podium.
"At ease," he said loudly enough for everyone in the room to hear. "You can have a seat."
The tension in the room was palpable as everyone took their seats once again, staying completely silent otherwise. John looked out at the crowd, especially on his newest soldiers, and noticed that most of them sat with wide eyes. He had no clue if it was in shock of now serving under a wraith-corrupted CO or if it was in awe, but either way, it was time to set the record straight.
"To the newest members of the Atlantis expedition: welcome. I am Lt. Colonel John Sheppard, the military commander of this base and the unwitting star of today's presentation."
A rumble of something like snickering rolled through the room for the briefest moment before turning back to silent. Still, John would take any bit of levity.
"As Major Lorne was saying before I accidentally interrupted, I know you all have questions. Such as, why am I no longer a senior citizen? Or perhaps… how did I come to team up with the very same wraith who fed on me in the first place?"
There were some nods, but mostly eyes just stayed locked on him. A glance at his team showed looks of support and even, defense, perhaps? Ronon, in particular, scanned the room as if waiting for anyone to say something rude to Sheppard.
"All great questions," Sheppard continued with what he hoped was a charming smile, "But first allow me to highlight the reasons I agreed to show all of you one of my very worst days. First and foremost, wraith can be pretty damn scary when you first see them. I'd rather you get a good look when one isn't running at you."
He began walking casually across the platform stage, suddenly feeling more at ease than he had in quite some time. He had held the weight of the trauma and fear of how everyone felt about his actions that day for six months. He believed he had handled it well overall, but finally addressing it and facing it head on was nothing short of cathartic.
"Second, being told that these guys feed on humans is misleading. None of that was fun," he said, gesturing behind him at the screen, "but thankfully, not once did his mouth touch me, which would have been a whole new level of disturbing. So now you know what it actually means. What they can do to people and why we can never, ever allow them to find their way to earth. "
John stopped walking, glancing forward as he thought about the wild card video, something he had not expected at all.
"Third, while I didn't know any footage of the escape existed," he continued, shooting a glance at Lorne who now wore an 'oh shit' expression, "I am glad that you were all able to see it because it shows a wraith who, except for a few delicious Colonel snacks, was otherwise starved for a long period of time. And yet he still managed to not only escape, but take several nasty shots to the abdomen, and yet kept going. These guys are not easy to take down. And they immediately begin healing from most wounds, especially after feeding. Which is why you will want to pay close attention when Major Lorne goes over the best recorded methods to kill them as quickly as possible."
He took a deep breath, taking a moment to appreciate just how helpful these videos actually were. He never would have thought of them for that purpose, so wrapped up in his own emotion and experience that was linked to them, but Lorne had been able to see them for what they were: an asset.
"Now," he said, his tone changing as he got to the harder, less straightforward matters. "How did I end up working with one of them? It's pretty simple: we had a common enemy and a common goal. We were both being held against our will. Both being tortured in our own way. And while Kolya specifically had me imprisoned right next to the damn thing as further means of intimidation, it ended up being the reason I am here today.
"While there has never been, nor do I foresee any future reason to pair up with a wraith, I will say that you have to be willing to think outside of the box in the Pegasus Galaxy if you want to survive. When the wraith mentioned how long he had been held captive there, I knew he would be more familiar with the structure and therefore able to guide us out of the bunker if given a chance. I proposed a deal that included escape, with the promise that if we ever ran into each other again, it would be business as usual: a fight to the death. He agreed and, well, it worked out."
He took a deep breath and scanned the room once again, not really focusing on anyone in particular.
"Finally, why am I no longer old?" He continued with a tone of finality. "We found out that day that the wraith are actually capable of returning the years they've stolen. Once we were clear of the compound and the immediate threat of the Genii, he could have finished me off and ran, which is exactly what I expected to happen. Instead, he took the time and effort to make me young - well, younger - again. He said he was merely repaying the debt since I had helped set him free."
He paused again as he remembered the strange sensation of pure pain and weakness, in full acceptance of his death, only to have life flood his worn out body so strongly and quickly.
"Immediately after that, my team and some of Atlantis' finest Marines showed up and we all lived happily ever after," he finished with a smile, knowing that 'happily ever after' in the Pegasus Galaxy was a pipe dream at best. But it felt like a fitting ending. A glance at Rodney showed an eye roll, so John figured he had made a good choice.
He took a moment, not really knowing what to say next, but the intensity of the silence from the packed room was making him shift uncomfortably. He was trying to decide how he was going to awkwardly announce that he was leaving now when suddenly one of the non-security members stood up and started slowly clapping, the woman's eyes wide as she shook her head in what appeared to be awe. Sheppard frowned and briefly wondered what the hell she was doing, only to have a wave of people now beginning to stand and clap.
John shot a glance over to Lorne who simply shrugged and flashed him a smile in response before clapping himself. When he looked back at the crowd, he realized every single person was now standing and clapping.
And of all the awkward and uncomfortable situations he'd experienced since his return to Atlantis six months ago, this single-handedly took the cake for being the one he wanted to run away from the most.
John shook his head and his hand simultaneously and made a point to bend down into the little microphone on the podium: "What are y'all doing? Sit down."
But still they clapped so he then did a strong, "Attention!" Which effectively shut up half or more of the room, prompting the non-military folk to follow suit.
Still extremely embarrassed and bewildered at the response he'd just been given, Sheppard tried to move on quickly and strategically.
"At ease…Um okay, I don't really know what that was about but thanks, I guess," he started awkwardly, glancing quickly around the room. "So anyway, unless there are any questions that could prove helpful to this lesson on the wraith, I have a few stacks of paperwork I need to get back to."
He scanned the room hastily, fully expecting to leave soon after as that call for questions wasn't supposed to actually warrant any. What could anyone possibly ask? It was all on video…
And yet, right there in front and amongst the group of new recruits was a shaky, uncertain hand held high.
"Uh, yes," Sheppard said with a sigh as he observed the mid to late twenty-something year old man staring back at him.
"Sir, we… we all know that being captured and tortured is always a possibility," the man started nervously, his eyes looking away a time or two before snapping back to his CO. "But… but you were fed on three times and had no real hope of a meaningful recovery at that point, right? And yet you… you fought just as hardand as efficiently with a broken and dying body as my fellow - healthy - comrades would have. I just… how? This may sound like a weird question but if any of us find ourselves captured, how did you find the motivation and the willpower to do what you did? What went through your mind?"
Sheppard, now fully intrigued by such an intuitive and unexpected question, forgot all previous and desperate plans for escape. Instead, he found himself faced with a very real, very impactful question from one of the many people who he asked to fully trust him with their lives every single day. And while the answer prompted him to reach down deep into some of the darker areas of his being, he knew that it was an important - and usually unavailable - skill set to have: the ability to stay positive and focused when everything screams 'you're doomed, give up.' And while it couldn't be bottled or trained, per se, if answering this question helped anyone get through a hard time in the future, it was worth the hassle of answering.
"What's your name and rank?" John asked, genuinely curious as to who a question of this magnitude was coming from, knowing that it took guts to ask.
The man wavered slightly before stating, "Corporal Davis, sir."
"Alright, Corporal Davis," John began, surprisingly calm as the words began to form in his mind. "First and foremost, if you find yourself captured, know that we are looking for you and will do everything we can to get you back. Of course, we don't save everyone, as I'm sure you have all heard about the Pegasus Galaxy stats. But it's not from lack of trying. Leave no man behind means something here."
Sheppard was proud and happy to see the more senior military staff nodding strongly in agreement.
"Secondly, don't be afraid to die. Fear is crippling and makes it harder to think straight," John continued, glancing over at McKay as the next sentence formed in his mind. "Despite what some people may say about me, I don't want to die, but I'm not afraid to. On that particular day, I expected death, I just didn't want to do it on screen and while Kolya hovered over me."
He took a quick deep breath and shifted pointedly.
"Which leads me to my final point: have your reason to survive and stay focused on nothing but that. In most cases when I'm on a mission, my reason is to protect this base and the people in it so that we can continue to protect earth. Nothing else matters. In this case, it was to die with dignity and hopefully on Atlantis. But whatever the mission and whatever the circumstances, I will never give up and I will never accept defeat. And if I end up taking my last breath with that mindset, then I do so knowing I died with honor and fighting until the end. But make no mistake, your mind and your attitude will either be your strongest weapon or your biggest burden. So stay focused, stay positive and don't stop until your body stops you. And even then, push your body further. You'd be surprised what you can accomplish and how any extra time can mean the difference between life and death."
John stopped and took a deep breath, suddenly feeling vulnerable and as though he had gotten slightly carried away. But when he looked at the crowd, he saw many of the faces staring back at him now looked determined, no longer shocked or in awe. Which is precisely what he wanted; pump them up and give them real life knowledge. He was nobody's hero, just a man with a mission. Anyone could be like that if they wanted.
"Alright," John continued then with a hint of finality to his voice, "I believe I have commandeered this session for long enough. Major Lorne."
John glanced at Lorne with a nod, effectively signaling for him to take over again. Now came the retreat. He tried not to focus on the multitudes of stares that followed him as he left the room. None of this had gone as planned but, like just about everything in this galaxy, it had worked out in the end. Or at least it seemed to. John didn't really care anymore, he was just ready to get out of there.
In an effort to appear completely in control, he tossed a few civil nods in a couple of people's direction as he walked out of the room. Once clear of the gawking faces, John resisted the urge to just stop and breathe. Missions were like that: all adrenaline and a haze of action, no time to stop and consider anything. But when they ended, that's when the emotions and thoughts always tried to invade. He had learned that he couldn't completely suppress them, but he would also never allow himself to feel them full force either. No, those kinds of things were best addressed a little at a time.
So as always, he pressed on. As he was getting ready to ascend the stairs, he realized he now had company flanking him on either side.
"Wow, Shep," Ronon mused from behind him, "Never pegged you as the motivational speaker type."
Sheppard scoffed and rolled his eyes, somewhat embarrassed and somewhat thankful for the lighthearted jab.
"I think you did exceptionally well, Colonel," Teyla swiftly added, always the one to inject kindness and grace into almost any situation.
"I agree," Elizabeth stated, now rounding the corner to join them. "I am most impressed and it would appear as though I'm not the only one, from the standing ovation you received."
John stopped walking and shook his head, "That was ridiculous. I got captured and then got lucky. Hardly reason for all of that…"
"Lucky? Sheppard, you threw a knife backwards and killed a Genii soldier all while fighting another soldier yourself," McKay added in his high pitched, Rodney kind of way. "And flipped a full grown man over and.. And all while you were this little, frail old ghost of a man."
"Ghost of a man…?" Sheppard repeated exasperatedly. That seemed a little melodramatic…
"He's right," Ronon added with a grin and a shrug, "I always assumed the wraith did most of the work during the escape. Not bad."
John furrowed his eyebrows, pretending to be more offended than he really was, "You know, I'm not actually finding this to be reassuring."
Teyla chuckled slightly, resting her hand on his shoulder as they all began moving towards the mess hall. "I believe what everyone is trying to convey is that we are all very proud of the strength it took to escape under those conditions as well as the strength it took to address so many people today about such a trying time for you."
Weir smiled in support, "Precisely. And I also think it was a highly effective training session."
"Effective if the goal was to garner even more hero-worship for Colonel Rambo, here," Rodney shot in response, his previous sense of disbelief now displaying that hint of jealousy he'd conveyed when they first found Sheppard on that planet; "Are you kidding?! He looks younger than he did before."
"Alright," John snapped, waving his hand slightly over his shoulder, "Can we just stop talking about it and get some food before the training group breaks for lunch?"
"Fair enough," Elizabeth stated warmly.
They found a table towards the back of the mess hall and Sheppard found himself relishing the lighthearted banter and joking that ensued as they ate together. And although he'd never understand how, exactly, it was undeniable that a little more weight from the torture he'd experienced six months ago was now gone and his mind a bit less heavy. Who would have thought that reliving one's own hellish nightmares would provide any level of solace?
Well, other than Dr. Heightmeyer.
Regardless, John found himself thankful to be that much closer to normal, especially since he knew most, if not all, of the people who may have questioned his actions that day at least saw the truth for themselves.
And by the time that the mess hall began to fill up and John felt eyes beginning to find him once again, he and his team - his friends - were ready to finish up anyway.
"Anyone feel like fighting?" Sheppard asked with a grin as he looked between Teyla and Ronon.
"Has Carson cleared you for that level of physical activity?" Elizabeth rounded on him, one eyebrow raised questioningly.
John rolled his eyes, "It's been two weeks since the last mission and I have to keep this body functioning as a weapon, you know."
"Well then why don't you come help me out in the labs with some ancient devices?" Rodney countered in that classic 'I'm about to make a good point/joke' tone. When they all looked at him quizzically, he shrugged and added, "What? You said so yourself, Colonel: your strongest weapon out there is your mind."
They all laughed and John had to admit, that was a good one.
"Fine," Sheppard laughed, figuring that he could lay low in the science labs for a little while and let some of the hubbub from the training session die down. "I'll be your lightswitch for a little while."
"Yeah," Ronon rumbled. "Have fun with that."
"Try not to get into any trouble," Teyla said playfully, though there was some level of truth to it, given that it was John and Rodney.
"I second that," Elizabeth called as she began to turn away. "Dinner at seven?"
They all agreed and John smiled as everyone made their way to their own destinations. He may be nobody's hero, but he was happy as hell to be considered a friend to this group of people. As long as they were around, he would always have a reason to fight until the end.
End Note: I know... weird but hopefully some of you found it interesting. Reviews are appreciated.