Is posting a random new story or two once per year while entirely ignoring my shitty older stories becoming a tradition? Yes, I believe it is. But seriously: everything before 2022 is officially labeled "read at your own risk". Love you guys.
Disclaimer: Seriously, after so many years, do you really need to hear it? Harry Potter isn't mine, and neither is anything else you recognize from other works.
James always said he wanted to die first. Not early, not young, but first. He could not imagine living without his friends. And when he fell in love, the thought became even more impossible to grasp; he was a selfish soul, he knew, but he also knew he could never exist without Lily, not even for a moment.
Not like this, he thought, scrambling to find some kind of defense, but all he could see was red - not the red eyes before him, but the soft, wavy, shimmering golden red that he woke to every morning, often spitting from his mouth and brushing off of his face before admiring the way it fanned out around her like a halo. He saw (narrowed eyes soft hands full lips pale neck tiny smile countless freckles lips again) her, and he saw (chubby hands tiny glasses first tooth first steps first word) Harry, and in a tiny corner of his mind, he was happy that he'd never have to know what it was like to live a single second without them. He saw the sneer curl around the words, and the light burst from the wand, but the only green James saw was her eyes, and he was more than happy to drown in them.
Lily always rolled her eyes and slapped lightly at his shoulder when James joked about it. "Don't say things like that, it's horrible to think about!" She never wanted to die first, because her parents had died far too young and she never, never wanted to leave James and Harry alone like they had left her. She knew that the pain of losing someone would crush her into the ground most days, but she knew how to push herself up and walk, or crawl, until the pressure eased. She knew that James didn't, couldn't, wouldn't, and even though he was the strongest person she had ever met, he wouldn't be strong enough to go on without her. She was a selfish soul, she knew, because she felt as though if Harry could only have one of them, she wanted it to be her, and if only one were left of the three, and it couldn't be Harry, it would be her, not James, who could somehow, some way, drag herself upright and use the life she had left to put good into the world. So yes, she decided, dying second would hurt, but it would only hurt her.
She was wrong, she decided. It took her the briefest of moments after hearing the words and seeing the flash of green light, less time than it took for her foot to reach the first stair, to realize that she could never live without James, and even as she flung herself to the room where Harry slept, she felt a gaping wound threaten to rend her in two as she was struck with the knowledge that she was, right this very moment, living without him. And as she begged and pleaded, arms thrown over the crib and eyes wide, she couldn't help but count the moments she existed separate from the man she loved. Somewhere between forty-seven and forty-eight, the room went green, and a twisted bit of her cried out in relief that the time without him would be so short.
James and Lily both knew, at the end, that they simply could not go on without the other, and so it was with a twisted, horrified, bittersweet relief that Lily stepped across and met her love on the other side, arms wrapping around her as they had done a thousand times before, alone for less than a minute before they were united once more.
Sirius always said that he wanted to die last. For a boy who took risks and raised hell in the way that he did, he was awfully certain about that. He didn't want to waste a single possible moment with his friends by dying first, leaving laughs and memories on the table, forcing them to grieve him. He was a selfish soul, though, because in his heart of hearts, he only really believed this because he knew he'd never last long without them. He wanted every second with them that he could possibly have, but once that time was up, he would part from this life with not a single regret.
It was this reminder that pushed him up from his knees, where he had fallen when he found Lily and James. This reminder was what led him to gently but firmly disentangle Harry's clutching hands from his hair, and pass the protesting infant to Hagrid.
"You can take the bike, Hagrid, you'll need it more than I do."
"Where yeh goin', Black?" Hagrid asked softly, tears in his eyes. Sirius looked at him, and saw the understanding in the half-giant's face as he took his final glance at Harry. Sirius's legs nearly buckled again, because he saw (messy hair crooked smile pointy chin) James and (bright eyes upturned nose one dimple) Lily once more in their son, before giving a weak smile and a "see ya around, Prongslet" and Disapparating with a swift turn of his heel.
Sirius laughed in the street, because he finally realized exactly what it meant to be betrayed, and it wasn't shock as much as it was pain. He laughed as they dragged him away and promised the Kiss, because he realized that he would be the only one who didn't get what he wanted. Even if his body lived, Sirius would die the moment the light broke free from his lips, and he thought of (scars chocolate strong hands sweaters tea hugs warmth trust) Remus, and he thought of (laughter tears soft scared lonely beautiful scars again) Harry, and raged at the world for losing time with them.
Sirius had no time to laugh when the light hit him - not even the tiniest moment to glance into Bellatrix's hateful eyes - and he wouldn't have if he did. Sirius saw (love rage fear loss kindness pain Lily James) Harry, wrapped up in (hope shock grief joy brother) Remus's arms, and a tiny corner of him screamed in triumph, because he realized he was wrong, and dying last would never be best, because he was going to see Prongs again, and Harry still had Remus, and Harry was going to be okay.
Remus always said he wanted to die together. Not in a blaze of glory, as Sirius suggested, or a mass suicide pact once they were too old to mount a broom, as James postulated, but at the age of eighty, grey-haired and half-deaf, moaning and grumbling at one another in their usual manner. Peter suggested that perhaps a geriatric Lily would scream at James a final time and send them all into heart failure, and they all laughed, and Remus said that that was fine with him. He was a selfish soul, he knew, because he would deprive everyone who needed them of not only himself, but all the rest, simply because he didn't think he could continue this life or enter the next without them.
He almost laughed when he heard. Not only would they, his best friends and he, not take the great leap into the next adventure together, but he knew for certain that he would die alone. Three were gone, and one was lost forever, and Remus realized that he would be the only one who didn't get what he wanted.
And many years later, when Remus finally did step across, he did so hand-in-hand with his love, and a tiny corner of his mind cheered as he moved away from grief and pain anchored by the palm which gripped his fingers, and stepped into the embraces of his best friends once more.
God, why are all my new stories relatively depressing? I'm actually in Edinburgh for a few months, and it felt rude to be in the birthplace of Harry Potter and not return to my own stories. Feel free to let me know what you think - it's been a long time since I've received a review, and I do miss the flattery.
Hope you're all doing well. Good to be back, although I do assume this will be the only time I see you until 2025, if the pattern continues.
Side note: Chloe Ament continues to haunt my soul, so if you want to understand a little easter egg I dropped in this, go listen to her Marauders EP. Wow.
-J