Chapter 4

Scott's POV

It is a restless night. I know neither one of us sleep much, if at all, but we are silent. Both lost in our thoughts.

Just as I was starting to adjust to the new way of the world. The world that finally accepted mutants, or at least weren't as cruel to us anymore. And yet, a mutant's battle is never over. Sure, we have rights, but there will always be a threat lurking around the corner, waiting to strike.

Those threats were exactly why Jean and I never wanted to bring a child into the world. Now that we have Rachel, I thought maybe that decision could change, but I see now that it can't. I start to feel guilty for the baby fever I've been experiencing because what if that baby meets the same fate as Kendall? With a shadow monster laying in wait for a time to latch on.

It makes me wonder what decisions even led to Rachel's conception. Was there a decision? Or had she been an accident we were too sentimental to abort? That had been our plan if something accidentally did happen. Jean's parents wouldn't have had to know their grandchild was conceived and no one here would have judged us for our decision.

I'm glad that version of us didn't abort Rachel.

Deep in thought, I feel Jean get out of bed. By the time I have my glasses secured over my eyes, she's already across the room and searching in her dresser. I watch her strip from her sleepwear. As she pulls her shirt over her head, the sunrise shining through the curtains highlights the numerous scars on her body.

It's a reminder of our life. Our past. Some scars have lasted from our teenage years, and others are only visible on the inside. Ultimately, The Professor taught us to be child soldiers, but I would not change that. We would not be alive today if it weren't for that. I wouldn't be alive.

Then I remember the scars on Jean's wrist, and I suddenly don't find them sexy anymore.

She tried to slit her wrists when the Phoenix got bad. The thought of it still makes me sick inside. If I hadn't caught her in time…

It's a fear that I cannot shake. No matter how long she goes in a perfect mental state, I cannot help but remember how easy it was for her to seek out suicide as an option for freedom.

"Scott, your thoughts are wandering," Jean says. Something about that is embarrassing, like a kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar. As if my thoughts are something I can control instead of her telepathy. I was the topic of my thoughts. She doesn't want me worrying about her any more than I want her worrying about me. We're fine… in theory.

"Sorry," I say. She shakes her head and takes a seat on the bed, tucking a leg underneath her.

"Don't apologize, it is sweet that you are worried about me, but I promise. I am okay. I have not been suicidal since that incident and I cannot see it happening in the future. But how are you? I know baby fever is hard. I swear, my ovaries scream every time I hold her."

"You know about that?" I wince. Jesus, there is no keeping a secret from her, is there? To think I was doing a good job at keeping that to myself.

"Of course, I know about it. It doesn't take a telepath to notice the longing look you give Kendall," she chuckles, then sobers up. "We have Rachel, Scott. We missed the baby stage, yes, but that only lasts so long anyway. Then we have to deal with the terrible twos, then the annoying kid stage. Not to mention, Rachel needs us." She sighs, looking almost ashamed of what she's saying. "We both know the damage the Phoenix can do. If she needs us, we can't be hung up with a baby."

This confuses me. Because yes, the Phoenix did horrible things to Jean, but I thought she was good to Rachel. Where her telepathy has grown out of her control once or twice since we knew her, the Phoenix is just… living inside her. Dormant unless Rachel needs her. I didn't know that might be an issue. "Do you think the Phoenix is going to do the same thing to her as it did to you?"

"I don't know. But it is a fear I have," Jean admits. "And if it happens, I fear we may not be able to help her. I don't exactly have a good track record with the Phoenix. If it turns against Rachel one day… Or takes control of her powers…" She trails off for a moment as if trying to find her wording. "Rachel has so much power, and yes, she can do amazing things, but I worry what will happen if that power is put in the wrong hands."

This scares me, as I assume it would scare any other father in this situation. Not that any other father would be in this situation. It's just my luck that I get to deal with yet another situation that will never be featured in a parenting magazine. "But didn't Rachel say something about the Phoenix favoring her because she was conceived when you still had the Phoenix?"

Personally, I can't imagine ever having full-blown, conceive-a-child sex while my wife is fighting for her life against a cosmic being. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Maybe her timeline's version of us was just extra horny?

Jean sighs. "She did, yes. But I know the Phoenix, Scott. She told me I was the chosen one and I believed her. But in the end, all she did was use my body and my powers to experience the human sensations she missed out on by being a cosmic entity without flesh and bone. There has to be a reason she has stuck to Rachel this long. Sure, it could be because she was born with a piece of the being inside her already. That could be why the Phoenix is drawn to her. But what if it's more? At the moment Rachel is full of conflicting, teenage emotions. Don't you think these emotions may be what's keeping her here? And what happens when these emotions get out of check? Will the Phoenix follow suit? I know from experience her powers will."

"So this is why we can't have a kid? Because our other kid is a ticking time bomb?" I don't think I actually meant to say that out loud, but Jean sighs once again. This time it sounds defeated, and she lays her head on my shoulder.

"Originally the excuse was the state that the world was in," she says. "Now… I'm just scared. Even if the majority of the world is tolerant of mutants, we still have enemies. Look at this Shadow King guy. He's after a baby. That could be our baby, Scott. We don't exactly have a track record of being lucky. Look at Rachel. She's traumatized. It's a miracle her therapist doesn't call CPS on us for what she has gone through. Do we really want a second kid to go through that?"

"We'd make sure this one didn't get so fucked up!" I argue. It wasn't my choice to let Rachel get so traumatized. Most of her trauma happened before I even knew she existed. It's bold of Jean to assume I wouldn't bend over backward to make sure a baby had a safe and decent upbringing. That isn't something I had, and that makes me hyperaware of making sure any child of mine does.

"And if this fictional child you have cooked up in your mind ends up with your powers instead of mine, are you still going to think that? Or are you going to realize you cursed them?" Jean challenges. I stare at her, slightly hurt by that.

"Cursed?" I repeat, eyes narrowing. It feels like a low blow. She knows I'm self-conscious of the fact that I can't control my powers. I can dilapidate a building with a single eyeball and it's terrifying to think what would happen if my glasses fail me.

She shakes her head as if she just realized what she said. "I didn't mean it like that," She insists. I don't think I believe her. "There is a difference between knowing any child you bring into the world is going to be a mutant versus actually experiencing it. It's not just about how outsiders treat us, it's about seeing them go through the same challenges you go through, knowing how miserable and scary it is to wake up one day with these powers you have to control. I see Rachel go through the same things I did at her age. And without the psychic barriers The Professor put in me, her struggles are worse even if it will benefit her in the long run. You don't want to be the reason your child suffers, Scott."

The fact that she called her powers a curse aside, she does make a point. It makes sense why she's hellbent on not bringing a child into the world, but it still stings. The world's view on mutants doesn't change the fact that being a mutant sucks sometimes.

And she's right. I never want to be the reason my child suffers.

To Be Continued...