"You sure you're ready?" Jeremy said, holding up a USB drive pointedly. They sat cross-legged on the cheap, scratchy carpet of the abandoned classroom. It had felt odd and intimate, somehow, to be letting Rich in Jeremy and Michael's official secret hideout, so they had actually asked for permission from all parties involved (except the unwitting host, the high school itself). Michael had wanted to be here, but this was a SQUIP-user-only problem. They were trying something new and Jeremy had no idea how weird it may get.

Rich was uncharacteristically behaved, mirroring Jeremy's position down to their perfect posture. Old habits triggered by a familiar situation, although Jeremy wasn't sure what Rich was interpreting as "familiar."

"As I'll ever be." Rich's eyes slid to the television against the wall, a chunky Xbox plugged into it.

Jeremy grimaced apologetically. "It's not like you can access GitHub without the SQUIP's instructions. You're used to using the XBox without needing her to tell you what to do." It was in point of fact the only hardware that Rich claimed to be able to connect to. They leaned over to plug the USB in.

"Hey," Rich piped up as Jeremy frowned and flipped the USB over again. "Uh. Thanks, not-Heere. Assuming…. yeah. I wanted to say-" Rich was slumping again, hands picking at his scars. "Sorry about how I was in the car."

Jeremy hadn't predicted that, but what else was new? "I don't remember you doing anything incorrect in the car," they said, turning the USB over again. Now it plugged in.

"I was bitching at you the whole time and you were actually helpful. Drove me around and stuff."

Jeremy settled back again after powering up the Xbox. "You don't owe me any social niceties. You're providing me with user data. I'm offering tech support." Jeremy paused. "It's like a busine-"

"No, it's not. It's like you being a computer ghost of my dead friend and me going through a bunch of mental shit. For some reason you helped me like a decent human being. So I'm reciprocating by apologizing and thanking you."

Jeremy's mouth did something strange. They couldn't keep their eyes on Rich until they waved him off. "You're welcome," they said as emotionlessly as they could. They didn't think Rich was making fun of their lack of humanity but, without prediction algorithms to fall back on, they had no way to be sure what he meant. They cleared their throat and pointed at the television. "Are you able to connect to the system?"

Rich shifted his weight, staring at the neon green glow emanating from the boxy old CRT display. His expression slackened. "Yeah," he said. The monitor flipped through game options with a few boops.

"The file name is In-"

Rich had already selected the installation wizard from the list. Fast thinker. Jeremy watched him with undisguised interest. This program wasn't the 4.0 upgrade itself, but it would help Rich access the changes Jeremy had coded in. And - Jeremy was particularly proud of this - it included a specially-designed avatar for users to-

"Fucking gremlin!" Rich shrieked, pinwheeling his arms and falling backwards into a stack of chairs.

"No! No no no no!" Jeremy held up their hands and glanced at where they approximated the Installation Wizard had appeared. It would have been easier to put the SQUIP avatar itself in this role, but given Rich's history, it made more sense to create a separate program. It wasn't even an AI! It couldn't learn - it could only recite information.

It appeared (in virtual space) in a pixely burst of magic, which cross-dissolved to reveal a short caucasian man with a bushy white beard and long white hair, dressed in deep blue wizard robes. The SQUIP had built-in imaging software for certain celebrities, but most of its reference library was reserved for the actors who'd worked with SONY. Jeremy had tried to find an Ian-McKellan-style virtual image but had eventually settled on R. L. Stine's body, squished to be four feet tall and stretched proportionally, with Rutherford B. Hayes's beard pasted on. The robe had been the fourth Google result for "wizard halloween costume."

Jeremy hadn't put a lot of thought into the graphic design aspect of their coding, but they were secretly proud of how this one turned out. The elements all came together into a master work of cartoonish realism with a hint of playfulness.

"Get away get away get away get away!" Rich was yelling, kicking at the empty air.

"Rich, you are, both as a character trait and in this current situation, irredeemably rude," Jeremy said over him impatiently. "This is the Installation Wizard. Wiz, initiate introduction routine."

At that command, the wizard should have done a cheeky curtsy, lifting up the corners of his star-spangled robe.

Rich's fear melted into mere apprehension. "You made this… thing?!"

"It's cute," Jeremy corrected, an edge to their voice. "It is a cute installation wizard that I have precisely mathematically calculated to put humans at ease when interacting with a virtual console. Look," they added eagerly. "There are 16-bit stars in his eyes. You can zoom in with your hands if you want." They drew the stars themselves.

Rich was watching Wiz like a cornered animal. When he spoke, his voice was quiet, as if to avoid attracting his attention. "How do I make it go away?"

Jeremy swept a hand at the empty air where Rich was staring. "Interact with it!"

Rich didn't, for several long seconds. "How… do... I… make... you... leave?"

The Wiz would respond to that with a cheerful explanation of its purpose and instructions for how to continue. Essentially, Rich only had to agree to install Jeremy's programs and the Wiz would do the rest.

"He's not going to hurt you," Jeremy eventually said coaxingly. "He's just a cartoon."

Rich pressed his fists over his eyes. He was swearing. Jeremy thought some of it was directed at themself. "Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, continue, please disappear and never let me see this - dreadful apparition - cursed - goblin thing! Holy shit, fucking… manmade horrors…"

Jeremy said, "Wiz, minimize," crestfallen. They'd spent several hours on the Installation Wizard and its lovable chub. "I thought it would take more than that for you to agree to the terms and conditions, Rich."

"I didn't agree to anything," Rich said, sliding down to the floor as the color returned to his cheeks. He literally had, but maybe now was not the time. "How long until it, uh, self-destructs?"

"I can calculate the download and installation time," Jeremy offered, craning their neck. Their eyes unfocused as they accessed the Xbox and its connection to the school wi-fi. "Thirty-seven years and - no, four minutes - no, three hours and -" They shrugged at Rich. "It varies. Your SQUIP should be able to calculate that kind of thing for you." They were avoiding even looking at their own probability calculation systems whenever they could help it.

Rich made a face in response, either meaning that his SQUIP's answer was equally unhelpful or that he refused to acknowledge it. "Do we have enough time for you to prepare me for future jump-scares?"

"There are no jump scares," Jeremy said. "But Wiz is the only cartoon I built into the program, if that's what you mean. I put in some Easter eggs if you use the Kon-"

"So what's the devil-set-aside-for-me going to do once it implants in my brain? Are you still trying to fix my SQUIP or are you actually getting rid of her? Because you promised you'd delete her ass."

"It's two-fold," Jeremy replied, leaning against a desk. Maybe they should have brought their charger to survive another tech talk with Rich. "Firstly, you're updating to SQUIP 4.0, which you may recall as my coding project that's our only known hope of saving the universe. The Wiz is performing a privilege escalation so you - or your SQUIP - can access your own code. Then you could hypothetically program your own upgrades in the future. You're basically jailbreaking your SQUIP. After that, in stage two, your SQUIP is exporting all its files to the SQUIP network, which is an extranet shared by all SQUIP users. Which terms do you want me to define for you?"

Rich's mouth was already open with questions ready, but he took a moment to say, "I'm not a toddler. Geez. I know what words mean."

Jeremy raised their eyebrows, inviting the questions anyway.

"Me or my SQUIP?" is what Rich chose to ask. "Like either of us can edit her program? That defeats the entire purpose if she's still the one in charge." Jeremy noted that his tone was friendly despite the loaded question. Maybe he actually trusted Jeremy as far as he could throw them. Maybe.

"You and your SQUIP are the same from the program's perspective," Jeremy said apologetically. "Usually you would be a user and your SQUIP would be the only one with admin privileges. But it's pretty easy to bypass that, since a person and their SQUIP are still, you know." They gestured at Rich.

"No." Rich frowned. "I don't know."

"You're still the same person," Jeremy said with a wince. It was true, but that didn't mean Rich would appreciate it.

Instead of an aggressive display, Rich leaned forward. "Explain," he said flatly.

"There's not a lot to explain…?" Jeremy started hesitantly. "That's just how a SQUIP works. It's… Well… Permission to talk a lot about SQUIPs? Semi-positively?"

"Sure," Rich said. His face was still carefully expressionless. Jeremy sweated at the thought that they might accidentally compliment a SQUIP and be exposed as an enemy, despite knowing that situation made no sense.

"Right. So, physically, what happens when you install a SQUIP, you are attaching a supercomputer into your brain. Imagine if you could somehow graft on a few extra brain folds into a person - if well-placed, it might change the way they think and affect how they process sensory information. The SQUIP is a physical pill-shaped metal thing in our heads and it's stuck there for good whether we want it or not. Removing it would be a bad idea. There's no way to safely reach into someone's skull and start rummaging around without a craniotomy, and even if we were able to cut a hole in your head and take the pill out, that's gonna damage the healthy brain around it.

"It's probably true for people who have had a SQUIP for a day, to some extent, but Rich! You've had your SQUIP for years! You wouldn't be the same person without it. Not in a metaphorical sense. In a brain-damage sense."

"That isn't exactly positive, not-Heere."

"Right. But in a metaphorical sense, it's also… kinda… true? From what I've been able to tell when looking at my source code and working on the update," Jeremy admitted. "The SQUIP isn't a separate person in your head with agency and preferences and all that human stuff. Instead, the SQUIP supercomputer interacts with your mind and sorta hijacks it. After you install one, there's a part of your personality - a part that already existed! - that's now forced to understand your life in a new way. It's gotta follow complex, strict rules.

"The pill, or the software or whatever you want to say the SQUIP actually is, doesn't have its own personality when you swallow it. Every SQUIP's hardware is the same. Everyone has the same supercomputer in their head. So when they seem to have their own personality… I dunno. That's coming out of the user's mind. The virtual images are computer-controller hallucinations. Users get used to hearing a certain new 'person' telling you the SQUIP's rules and I guess people start giving them personalities. Having social relationships with them, talking to them like a separate person."

"You're telling me I'm crazy," Rich said.

"No!" Jeremy shook their head. "I'm not a professional but if everyone is acting in a similar way to the same stimulus, you can't blame that on the users, right? You're not suddenly hearing a dozen voices and having a dozen people in your head. Just the one."

Rich made a grunt of agreement. "If we're all pointing at the sky and saying, 'it's blue,' then it doesn't matter what the air is made out of or if we all have different ideas of color or whatever. It's blue, we all know it, plain and simple."

"Right," Jeremy said eagerly. "So my point is, the SQUIP itself can't be a bad person. It's not a person and it doesn't have the human capacity to choose between right and wrong. When you got spinal stimulation, it's not because an evil computer demon invaded your head." They held up their hands with their fingers twisted together for emphasis. "Instead, it was the consequence of a bunch of bullshit rules and experimental quantum computing that accidentally got twisted up in knots. No one in the situation is evil, except maybe the people who programmed the SQUIP in the first place. But that was a long time ago," Jeremy said sheepishly and lowered their hands. "I don't think they knew what they were getting into."

"Whatever she tells me still isn't my fault," Rich cut in.

"It isn't. But her personality came out of your brain. So, for better or for worse, your programming recognizes you as the same entity. Or it will as soon as I get rid of its requirement that you code like a supercomputer to access it."

Rich had pulled his legs up, resting his head on his knees. He sighed. "Heere, you remember when SQUIPs sounded, just, so goddamn cool? Plug and play. No problems ever again. Wasn't that nice?"

Jeremy didn't remember that. Their consciousness was still so young. They gave Rich a sympathetic look as best they could muster. "SQUIPs have the potential. They can be wonderful beyond your mortal understanding. We're just… working out the bugs."

Rich said, "I still-" and cut himself off, choking on spit and scrambling back up to his feet.

"Let me guess," Jeremy trilled. "Installa-"

"Installation complete." Rich wiped his hand in the air frantically as if he could erase the Wiz. "Fuck you both."