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The Process

Jeri was always hesitant when it came to telling Rika about developments in her personal life, good or bad, as the girl in question only really had two modes. Typically, either Rika's reflex against showing her emotions would kick in and she would act indifferent, or her overprotective instincts would activate and she would jump into action.

"I'm going to cave his skull in!"

Sitting in the Nonaka's backyard, it was plainly obvious to Jeri that she was looking at the latter scenario.

"Don't you think that's a little drastic?" Jeri asked, hoping her friend was only venting and not being serious.

"No, drastic would be marching over to his house right now and killing him on his front stoop," Rika answered as she paced back and forth. She then stopped in place for a moment, as though she were mulling something over in her head. "Which, on second thought, is exactly what I'm gonna do!"

Again, Jeri wasn't sure how seriously she should take the declaration. "Rika, you're not going to murder Kazu."

Rika sighed and seemed to calm down. "You're right."

Jeri let herself smile. "See, now can we just-?"

"Renamon would be better at hiding the body."

"Wait, what?"

"Renamon!"

As the kitsune materialized in front of them, Jeri felt her heart skip a beat. While she never believed that Renamon would intentionally harm a human being, Jeri suddenly found herself wondering if the Digimon would do so at Rika's command. The notion instantly grabbed hold of Jeri, to the point where she acted without thinking.

"Stop!" Jeri screamed as she jumped to her feet. "No one is hiding any bodies!"

Silence and stillness immediately followed, and Jeri was sure that even if she had closed her eyes, she would be able to feel the eyes of her friends staring at her.

"Look..." Rika began. She placed her hands in her pockets and kicked at the ground beneath her. "I'm sorry, but I still don't like the idea of you going out with him."

"Be that as it may, Rika, but this is what Jeri wants," Renamon said as she stepped forward. "We should respect her wishes."

With the notion put forward, Rika's attention snapped back to Jeri. Actually feeling the pressure of being looked up and down, Jeri looked away from her friend, which she acknowledged was her first mistake.

"Except that this isn't what you want, is it?" Rika asked, though she sounded as if she already knew the answer.

Jeri didn't have any words to reply with in that instant, only able to turn back towards her friend. Upon making eye-contact, however, it seemed that words weren't necessary.

"Dammit, Jeri..." Rika took a single step backwards and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Then why would you agree to go out with him?"

"I don't know..." Jeri tried her best, but she couldn't come up with a better answer. She knew it hadn't been a matter of pity, as not only had Kazu never been one to accept anything on those terms, but also because she herself would never look down on her friends in such a way. There was some other reason she had agreed to go out him, and she had nearly mentally exhausted herself trying to figure out what that reason was.

"This will not end well," Rika said, snapping Jeri out of her thoughts.

"Maybe it won't be that bad?" Jeri put forward, though Rika's expression remained unchanged.

"Jeri, you know Kazu. He'll take things too far, and then what will you do?"

Jeri tried to stand up taller. "He would never hurt me."

Rika crossed her arms. "Not physically, maybe, but he's never exactly been a good sport about not getting his way."

Jeri found it more difficult to speak up on that point, as she knew what Rika was saying was true. Kazu was stubborn, and very much had a one track mind as a result. Back during their first trip to the Digital World, he and Kenta had basically forced themselves into the group, despite not having partners of their own at the time. At many points the two had been hindrances to the mission, often made more difficult at many points by the pair refusing to acknowledge and take responsibility for their behavior.

It didn't help that, all these years later, Kazu really hadn't outgrown these traits, as poor Suzie could readily attest. The girl's only real misstep had been being better at a card game than Kazu had, and his refusal to just accept the skill gap led to a series of rematches that left neither party happy. Jeri couldn't help but worry about a date with Kazu being much the same way.

"Well, I can't change things now," Jeri said as she straightened herself up and prepared to leave. "Anyway, I have to get to work."

"Would you like for me to escort you home?" Renamon offered, something she had never done in the past.

"No thanks," Jeri replied politely, or at least as politely as she could as she tried sort out why the offer was made in the first place. "I'll be okay."

"Just please be careful," Rika added calmly.

Jeri smirked in response. "You understand the irony of that request coming from you, right?"

"Jeri..."

"I promise, okay?" Jeri started walking away, waving to Rika and Renamon both as she did. "I'll call you the first chance I get."

Jeri tried to let her mind go blank on the subway ride home, but her effort seemed to have the opposite effect. The ambient sound of the train running against the tracks, coupled with minimal but still present conversation going on in the car made her feel claustrophobic. She was having trouble breathing and she couldn't figure out why. All she knew for certain was that she had to get off the train or things would only get worse.

The very second they reached the next stop, Jeri stood right up. She couldn't make out the PA system dictating the train's current location, but that wasn't a huge issue. She had been counting the stops and had made this trip plenty of times before. She knew she could walk home once she was above ground and knew exactly where she was.

Not long after stepping off the train, Jeri found herself wandering around Shinjuku Park. Despite her original intention of heading straight home, her legs seemed to be taking her anywhere but, seeming instead to be content to follow her directionless train of thought rather than what they were originally instructed.

"I was thinking that you and I could hang out sometime. You know, just the two of us."

The moment repeated itself in Jeri's head, both with Kazu's confident grin on his face and her own genuine confusion as to what she was being asked. She had been tired at the time and her mind was on other things, so there was a chance she had misheard him.

"You mean like a date?"

"I mean exactly like a date."

Jeri had a taken a couple seconds to let the words sink in, replaying them a couple times to be certain of their meaning. Not that there had really been any question on the matter, as Kazu had plainly spelled out what he wanted from her. There was no reason her answer couldn't be equally straight forward.

She also wasn't lacking for legitimate reasons for declining either, not the least significant of which was the simple truth: Jeri did not have any romantic feelings towards Kazu, and she knew perfectly well that pretending otherwise would only end up hurting them both.

And even if, for whatever reason, she was afraid of being that honest with him, Jeri had the option of falling back on school and work as an excuse. She was busy, after all, and dating wasn't a priority for her at this point in her life.

Before Jeri could put forward either response, however, a voice from the darkest corner of her mind spoke up. This was the same voice she had spent the last quarter of her life learning to ignore, and the reason why she liked to keep herself occupied with work. Still, despite all this practice, the voice spoke loudly and with authority.

"It's your destiny to be alone."

The words echoed on Jeri's head, despite her knowing them to not be true. She knew her friends cared about her, just as she knew they were there for her if she needed them.

Of course, this didn't stop the voice in her head from telling her otherwise. Telling her that Takato and Rika would grow tired of her being their third wheel. That Henry going to school overseas was inevitable, especially with Alice in the picture now. That Suzie, Ai, and Mako were growing up and soon wouldn't need any of the older Tamers to look after them. That Calumon was fickle and would wander off one day and never return.

With all that weighing on her subconscious, and Kazu standing in front of her waiting for an answer, Jeri made a mistake. A small one in the grand scheme of things, maybe, but still one she would never be able to take back.

Jeri came to a halt with that thought, taking a second to determine where her subconscious wanderings had taken her. Looking up a familiar set of stairs, she found that her unintended destination was Guilmon's shed, which was fitting in a way. The Tamers hadn't spent much time here as of late due to its current condition, which made it the perfect spot for Jeri to take a few moments to collect herself.

She approached slowly, surveying the shed's cracked and crumbling infrastructure. Word was that Yamaki was trying to balance using Hypnos resources for repairs while also trying to keep said repairs off the record. Unsurprisingly, anyone with authority over him would tell him to simply bury the portal should they learn of its existence, something Yamaki didn't seem ready to do quite yet. The portal was a resource after all, one the Tamers had made use of over the last few years.

For now, however, it was a place for Jeri to sit for a moment, something she did in silence until she was interrupted by faint noises coming from the shed behind her.

"Good fer nothin' greaseballs," came familiar grumbling. "They ever come back this ways again, I'll-"

"Impmon?" Jeri questioned as the Digimon came into view.

"J-Jeri?" Impmon stopped right in the doorway, likely having not expected anyone to be waiting for him. "W-What's up?"

Jeri looked past him into the shed. "What are you doing?"

"Just showin' a couple Numemon the exit." Impmon crossed his arms and looked back towards the portal. "I'll tell yuh, little punks were so ready to cause trouble, but the second they realize they gotta fight, they beg yuh to let them go home."

Jeri forced a smile. "Sounds like everything worked out in the end, though."

"Guess so," Impmon replied with a shrug, pausing for a second as he turned back towards her. "Anyway, I gotta get goin'."

"See you later."

Impmon started to leave, though stopped in his tracks after a couple steps. He glanced back at Jeri, looking like he was debating something in his mind. Before Jeri could ask him if anything was wrong, he turned all the way around and returned to her.

"Hey, look..." Impmon began nervously. "I don't mean tuh pry, but, uh... are you doin' okay?"

Jeri's mind went blank for a brief moment as she tried to decide how to answer. She seriously considered deflecting, acting like nothing was wrong so that he wouldn't worry. For that moment, however, despite her practice at it, she couldn't bring herself to lie. A different voice in the back of her mind spoke up, this one telling her it was okay to let her guard down in front of her friends.

"I made a mistake," she finally confessed.

Impmon sat down next to her. "We talkin' a 'left the fridge open all night' mistake or an 'accidentally light the couch on fire' mistake?"

"A small one, at least I think. I just..." Jeri's eyes dropped to her hands resting on her lap. "I don't understand what I'm doing wrong."

"What do yuh mean?"

Jeri clenched her fists together. "It's the same empty feeling, over and over again. Every time I think I've gotten rid of it, it just creeps its way back in. It's got to be something I'm doing, otherwise it wouldn't keep happening."

"It's not your fault, Jeri. You can try all yuh want, but yuh can't control the way yuh feel."

"But why not?" Jeri snapped in Impmon's direction.

"I don't know..." This time, his gaze dropped away from her.

They both went quiet for a few seconds, causing a pang of guilt to form in Jeri's chest. She knew she had to apologize, but once again her mind went blank as she tried to put the words together.

"I'll tell yuh what I do know, though," Impmon continued as he turned to face her again. "Tryin' tuh hide how you feel ain't ever gonna make anyone feel better."

"And what if being honest ends up hurting someone else?"

"Take it from someone who tried tuh fight a Deva because he didn't want anyone tuh know he was hurtin': Someone else is probably gonna get hurt anyway."

Silence fell between them again, though it was different this time. Jeri didn't need Impmon to elaborate further, as they both knew what he was referring too. The only real dilemma she had was what she would choose to do with the advice she was being given.

"Anywhos..." Impmon said as he stood up. "Moral of the story is if yuh feel sad, feel sad. Anyone who actually cares won't think any less of yuh."

"Thanks, Impmon," Jeri replied, reaching over and pulling him into a hug before he had a chance to pull away.

"D-Don't mention it."

Despite part of her wanting to hold onto Impmon a little longer, just as an experiment to see how long it took before he tried to squirm out of her arms, Jeri released him and stood as well. She had one more detour to make before finally returning home, one she knew she couldn't put off any longer.

Jeri stood on the Shioda's front stoop, right hand wrapped around her left elbow and her brain doing its best to keep her feet from pacing back and forth. In reality, it had only been about a minute since Kazu's mother had answered the door and offered to go fetch him, but time felt like it was moving a bit slower at the moment.

Eventually, she heard the door start to creek open, causing her to stand at attention. Kazu didn't waste a second before stepping outside, doing so like he didn't have a care in the world.

"Guess someone couldn't wait for Saturday night, huh?" he asked, the tone in his voice matching the big, confident grin on his face.

"Actually..." Jeri paused for a split second, her conscience weighing her down as she spoke. "We need to talk about that."

"What for?" Kazu's grin faded as he gave her his undivided attention.

Jeri took a deep breath. "Kazu, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just gonna say it: I can't go out with you."

"Why not?" Kazu's expression remained neutral, which Jeri didn't know whether to take as a sign that he was keeping his emotions in check or if he genuinely didn't have a clue as to what was happening.

Regardless of either, she tried to keep her attention forward and her voice even. "I haven't been feeling like myself lately, and because of that I wasn't thinking clearly when we spoke the other day. The truth is that I really don't think I should be dating right now."

"What about when you're feeling better?"

A pause followed, leaving Jeri with one last chance to not take the conversation any further. It would have easy to simply tell him what he wanted to hear and walk away. So easy to leave things as they were so that she wouldn't have to deal with the pain of knowing that she created a rift between herself and a friend. In the end, though, she knew she would only be postponing the inevitable.

"No, Kazu," Jeri began slowly, maintaining her composure by some miracle. "I'm sorry, but I just don't feel that way about you."

Kazu stayed quiet at first, refusing to look her in the eye. Not that Jeri could blame him, being only able to imagine what he was thinking at the moment. Still, Jeri waited, knowing that she needed both his confirmation that he understood what she was telling him as well as to face the consequences of her mistake.

"You should go," Kazu finally said coldly, still not willing to look at her.

"Okay," Jeri managed to reply before walking. This time, she knew there would be no detours on her way to her destination.

Jeri closed the door behind her as stepped into her bedroom. Her father hadn't argued when she told him she didn't feel well and wouldn't be able to work that night. He had simply nodded and told her to let him know if she needed anything. She wasn't sure if she would take him up on the offer.

For a few seconds, Jeri just stood in the center of her room, not sure what she should or even what she wanted to do. Then a lump formed in chest, followed shortly by her legs starting to feel weak.

She pushed towards her bed, laying on her side and pulling a pillow to her chest in the naive hope that it might lessen the pain there. She was eventually distracted from it instead, by the heat building up in her eyes. Tears and a few sobs followed shortly thereafter.

Laying there in that moment, Jeri wasn't sure of much. She wasn't sure how long she been keeping these feelings inside or how long it had been since she had last let them out. She wasn't sure if she wanted to talk to someone, what she would say to them, or even who she would talk. She only knew that, before any of that was decided, she wanted to finish crying.

Author's Note:

Posted just in time for Odaiba Memorial Day!

...and yeah, I acknowledge that updating a Tamers fic is maybe not the most relevant way to mark the occasion, but eh, it's what I had ready to go today.

Also dug up an old "30 Day Digimon Challenge" while scrolling through the interwebs, so I'll be running through that this month. Should be fun, plus my Tumblr account has been struggling to find a reason to exist. I use the same name on that site, so feel free look me up there if you want to follow along, skim through the entire challenge on the 30th, or for whatever other reason you can think of.