(Bella)
What the hell am I thinking?
Memories of yesterday flashed before my eyes, of waking up on Paul Lahote's couch, bleeding like an idiot as he held an ice pack to my forehead. Our conversation….
I wasn't supposed to say yes.
I hadn't meant to, but as soon as he'd asked, I felt a pull. It compelled me to agree, at that moment… it felt like there was no other option.
The monster.
I shivered as I thought of the monster's anger.
It won't matter. I'll be dead long before he returns.
I sat up from my lounging position on my bed, then slung my legs over and stood up. I stalked over to my school bag and riffled through one of its pockets until I found the little plastic bag I was searching for. I pulled it out and examined it. Inside was one single, solitary little pill.
My freedom.
I often pulled it out and examined it, it brought me comfort. My exit plan. I ran a finger gently across the front of the miniature plastic bag. It was how I decided I wanted to go, when the time came, when I knew Charlie and Jacob would be okay… I had a place in mind. Quiet, serene, no blood….
He wouldn't find me until it was already done.
I broke my own trance and delicately placed the pill back in my bag. I kept it nearby at all times, just in case the monster returned early….
Pushing my thoughts aside, I began to get ready. As I showered and brushed my hair until it shone, I wondered what it was about Paul that made me so… curious. Why am I so drawn to him? Vaguely I remembered my recent dreams about the silver wolf. As nervous as I was to be alone with him, I couldn't deny that the opportunity to learn more about him was far too tempting. If I can satiate my curiosity, maybe it'll make the strange dreams stop.
Dressed in my favorite pair of skinny jeans and a white blouse with a light purple floral pattern, I reluctantly walked down the stairs to find Charlie still home and Billy seated on our couch, his wheelchair next to him. They both held a bottle of beer.
"H-hey dad, I thought you were going fishing today?" It was odd for Charlie not to take advantage of a rare sunny day.
He looked over his shoulder from his recliner.
"Hey kid, nah, Henry backed out last minute, said he wasn't feeling well."
"Your dad and I got lazy after that." Billy added as he gestured with his bottle.
Charlie paused for a moment.
"Offly nice shirt you're wearing, 'you going somewhere?"
I blushed crimson.
"I- uh, was invited to hang out with someone today."
Charlie side eyed me.
"Okay… that's a bit vague. Care to elaborate?"
"Oh, lay off with the interrogation, Old man. It wasn't that long ago you were praying for her to find some friends." Billy piped up from the couch.
"Big talk comin' from you! I happen to remember you being strict with your girls."
"My girls weren't as behaved as yours, you old goat."
"Who are you calling old you damn geezer!"
"Geezer-?!"
I took the opportunity to quietly make my exit as they bantered back and forth. Once I silently slipped out onto the porch, I very slowly and gently shut the front door behind me and took a deep breath. It was calming, feeling the early spring sun on my skin as the last of winter barely clung to the wind. I sat on the patio swing and admired the sky as the sun hung a couple hours away from sunset.
About ten minutes later, I heard the sound of an engine as it approached our house. Internally I cringed. No way Charlie's not going to hear that. Charlie was very adamantly anti-motorcycle and had preached as much to me throughout my childhood. His words echoed in my mind, 'I've seen too many young kids killed on those things.' I had hoped he would be gone fishing by now, so he wouldn't notice….
Before long Paul had driven up to our curb on a very slick metallic black motorcycle, he wore a helmet that matched in color, a tight black t-shirt clung to his torso under a leather jacket. My heart skipped a beat. As he removed his helmet Charlie came barging out of the front door.
He took one look at Paul.
"Oh hell no-" He shut the door behind him. "Lahote, you are not taking her anywhere on that!"
"Relax, Sheriff. I happen to be a very skilled rider."
Charlie bristled.
"I don't give a damn-"
"Oh, quit getting your granny panties in a bunch." Billy remarked as he opened the door, having managed to shift himself back into his wheelchair.
Charlie did a double take.
"If you had to answer even half the calls I did for those damn-"
"Do you really want me to start telling them some stories from our heyday?"
"That's different! Your kids are supposed to be better."
"Have it your way then, I suppose it's time we talk about that night at the lake-"
"Damn it, alright!" He turned to Paul. "I better not have to scrape her off the pavement."
"She's safe with me." Paul answered as he stood in front of the porch step, his eyes bore into mine. My blush somehow managed to deepen. He held his hand out for mine. "Ready?"
I nodded and took his hand, allowing him to guide me across the yard back to his motorcycle, where he paused to produce a second helmet and removed his jacket. He held the jacket out for me to place my arms through and then placed the helmet over my head. It was heavy and strange to see through the visor. I was sure I looked idiotic as all hell with an over sized leather jacket that covered my hands like a kid.
"Lesson one, little grasshopper, is safety first."
Charlie rolled his eyes.
"I want her back by ten."
"I'll bring her back when I feel like it."
Charlie began to bristle but Billy broke out into a hearty laugh.
"That sounds familiar!"
"Just who's side are you on?" Charlie demanded.
"My own, obviously."
As Charlie and Billy continued to argue, Paul guided me onto the back of his bike, instructing me on how to wrap my arms around his waist. My heart hammered in my chest as I felt his body heat radiate through his thin shirt, so familiar….
Then he took off and it felt like we were flying.
At first I closed my eyes tight, feeling the wind as it whipped past us, the sound of the roar as it did so. Finally I was brave enough to open my eyes and watch the world as it flew by us through the tint of the helmet's visor.
I never wanted the ride to end.
Not because of how exhilarating it had been, but because deep down, I never wanted to let go of him. It made no sense. I shouldn't feel this way.
Eventually the ride did end, and to my surprise I found that he had brought us to a small, unfamiliar pizzeria on the outskirts of town. He parked, then helped me off the motorcycle and out of the helmet and the jacket.
I turned to ask what was on my mind, but got distracted watching as he placed the items back. The way the setting sun glows on his skin…. Before I could pull myself together, he answered my unasked question.
" 'Figured you might be hungry. This happens to be one of my personal favorites." Again he offered me his hand. "I can take you somewhere else, if you prefer."
"P-pizza's o-okay." I blushed and stammered as I accepted his hand. God, why do I always have to talk like an idiot?
I tried to focus my attention on my surroundings, instead of the familiar warmth of his hand. The pizzeria seemed to be a small, privately owned restaurant. The inside was covered with homemade decor and the scent of spices and marinara clung heavy to the air.
Paul chose a booth and guided me to it, then sat across from me. He handed me a menu. I looked around and noticed only a few other couples strewn throughout the restaurant. Shyly, I turned my attention back to the small menu in my hands.
"What would you like?" He asked as he surveyed me.
I gulped.
"I-uh, w-what w-would you re-recommend?" I finally spit out. Damn it I'm so stupid!
"Can't go wrong with the pepperoni, it's a classic." He answered.
I nodded, not wanting to make an even bigger idiot of myself.
A waiter came to our table wearing a black uniform with an apron. He asked us if we were ready to order. Please don't make me talk….
"We'd like a medium pepperoni pizza and two Dr. Peppers." Paul answered. The waiter scribbled our order down and told us it would be out shortly. I breathed a sigh of relief. I already look stupid enough.
The waiter left, and I was once again alone at the table with Paul.
I have no idea what to say.
I wouldn't be able to spit it out anyway.
God, I'm useless.
My nervousness turned into straight anxiety as my face burned and tears threatened in the back of my throat.
Paul reached for my hand and took it.
"It's okay, Bella. Breathe, take your time."
That small bit of reassurance, it was comforting. I took a deep breath and thought of a question.
"W-what kind of b-bike was that?"
"It's a Harley-Davidson cruiser."
"Oh." I thought of a follow up question. "H-how long h-have you been r-riding?"
"Long before I was supposed to." He still held my hand, reassuring me. Why do I find his touch so comforting? I don't even know him.
Feeling braver, I asked another question.
"Y-you seemed to know my d-dad."
He chuckled.
"We have… a bit of a history. I spent a good portion of my teen years behind his bars."
"W-what for?"
"Mostly fighting. Sometimes underage drinking."
Fighting? Who was he fighting?
I didn't have to ask, somehow he anticipated my question.
"I was… sort of involved in an illegal fight club. 'Used to make pretty good scratch from it." He paused for a moment but then continued. "The location changed every time and you had to know someone to even be a spectator and place a bet, much less participate. Someone lost a bunch of money, got pissed off and squealed."
The waiter returned with our drinks and the promise of pizza shortly. I had expected Paul to let go of my hand but he never did, making my face burn even hotter. The waiter left again.
"My turn now," Paul announced. I tried to hide my anxiety, I'll just bore him to death. "You've heard a little bit about my exploits, now I want to hear about yours."
"W-well," I took a sip of soda to calm myself. "I-I've never been arrested…."
"I figured that, but surely you've raised some kind of hell at some point in your life."
I took a deep breath.
I can not believe I'm about to confess this.
"I-I had two fr-friends named Jessica and Angela that I used t-to hang out w-with when I would visit with Charlie," I began, "Wh-when we were t-thirteen, we had a sleepover a-at Jess's and… we got into h-her mom's liquor cabinet."
He laughed.
"Just how much did you all drink?"
I looked down in embarrassment.
"All of it." I took another deep breath, remembering the smooth taste of Bailey's Irish cream on my tongue. "She k-kept a very well stocked cabinet."
He continued to laugh and I couldn't help but join him.
It was so stupid.
"How pissed off was the Sheriff?"
"At t-the time, we were all three knocked out cold. I woke up early the next morning in my own bed, to Charlie banging pots and pans, and singing at the top of his lungs." I cringed. "Taught me a valuable lesson."
Paul continued to laugh.
"He's as bad as my mom was then, every time I turned up hungover she made damn sure I regretted it."
The waiter returned carrying a piping hot cast iron tray of pepperoni pizza. He placed it down on a stand in front of us and asked me if we needed anything else. Paul answered for me, to my gratitude. After he left once again, Paul divvied out a slice onto a warm plate and placed it in front of me, then did so for himself.
"T-thank you," I uttered as I picked up the shaker of Parmesan and sprinkled some on my slice.
He nodded as he did the same for his own slice.
"S-so, how did you discover this place?" I asked as my slice cooled.
"Used to be a hangout place when I was in school." He answered. "You used to visit with your dad from out of state, didn't you? Where did you grow up?"
"Mostly Arizona, with my mom, Renee." I looked down at my pizza slice. "It was… certainly an adventure."
"Odd way to describe living with your mom." He commented.
"Renee is… kind of an adventure personified." I answered as I picked up my slice and took a bite, it was divine. "Spending the summer with Charlie was the only time I felt I could really breathe. I didn't have to parent Charlie, but I did have to parent Renee."
He looked up from his slice with interest.
"Tell me about it."
"Well…" I considered my next words carefully. "Renee… sort of dances to the beat of her own drum, and me and Charlie coming along… kind of threw her rhythm off and I don't think she ever forgave us for it." I didn't want to rehash the times we went without food, or when all the utilities were shut off because Renee mismanaged her money. Finally I put my foot down at ten and took over the monthly budgeting. It was something I never told Charlie. "I moved to Forks after she remarried, she didn't need me anymore."
"Do you still talk with your mom?"
"She emailed me a couple times at first, mostly because she needed something, I haven't heard from her since. I guess she's busy traveling with Phil." The only other time I had seen her was when I was in the hospital…no, I can't go there.
"What about your mom? You probably talk to her a lot more than I do mine."
"I'd… rather plead the fifth on that one." He answered, I noticed a darkness taking over his eyes. This is a sore subject for him.
"I'm sorry." I didn't mean to ask something out of pocket.
"You didn't do anything, Bella." He reassured me. "You mentioned before that you grew up with Jacob and his sisters, I'd like to hear more about that."
I was taken back. He can't really be interested in that, can he? Haven't I bored him enough? I tried to gather my thoughts as he placed a second piece of pizza on my now empty plate and then his own.
"Uhm, well, we were typical ninety's kids, really." I began as I took another sip of my soda. "Charlie used to pick up Jessica and Angela and drop all of us off at Billy's house for the day. When we weren't pretending to be the sailor scouts, we were exploring the woods that surrounded the beach. I spent a lot of hours just staring into the ocean ponds, watching the natural aquarium. I still have the pictures I tried to draw of them." I internally cringed, remembering those horrid attempts at recreating the mesmerizing pools… so embarrassing. "Jake and I used to try to catch the fish to pet them." I finished.
Paul chuckled.
"Me and my friends used to try catching them as kids too, I think every kid on the rez's playground was the beach."
"What was… your childhood like?" I asked as I fidgeted with my straw.
"Turbulent, I don't think my mom ever got over her glory days at Woodstock. She was in her thirties when I was born, but that never slowed her down. We'd travel all over the country, camping in the wilderness whenever possible. Occasionally she'd return to the rez to pay Grandad a visit."
"What about your dad?"
"He had even itchier feet than my mom, I've only talked to him a few times."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Paul- I shouldn't have asked that."
"Don't be, Bella. You don't need to apologize so much, you haven't done anything wrong." He paused for a moment, before he could say anything the waiter returned to our table and handed him the check. He quickly placed a few bills on the tray and handed it back before returning his gaze to me. "I'm sorry, Bella, I didn't realize how late it had gotten."
I looked out the window and noticed that the sun had long set and night had taken over.
"I hadn't either." A sadness I wasn't used to overcame me. I don't want to go home yet.
"Do you trust me?" He asked as he held his hand out for mine, standing beside the booth now.
I don't know why, but I didn't even hesitate.
"Yes."
I took his hand.