DIMITRI
With Rose on a human schedule and me on a nocturnal one, it was easy enough to keep in touch with each other. We'd often share little texts throughout the day, and I had to admit, it was a little strange having my phone ping with anything other than work messages. I liked it. We'd already gotten into the pattern of setting a few minutes aside at the end of the day to steal some time together, and there was a comfort in falling asleep with the echo of her voice in my ear.
Today was my first day back on active duty, and I had been scheduled for the morning shift along with two pre-planned attack scenarios. Field experience was wrapping up this week, and while we had collected all the evaluation information we needed for most of the graduating class, there were a few students that we wanted to test further. I was only a few pages into my final reports for Eddie when I felt my pocket buzz. My brows furrowed as I saw Rose on the caller ID. It wasn't unusual to get random texts from her, but a surprise call was a bit odd. We were planning on chatting later, though, so I didn't question it as I answered.
"Hey! You're a bit early." I leaned back, double-checking the alarm clock near the bed. I wasn't expecting her call until that evening. When she didn't immediately reply with her usual sarcasm, my amusement flipped to concern. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. I'm fine." Her tone indicated that she was anything but fine. "Just missing you."
I still had another hour or so of paperwork needing attention, but I knew it would have to wait. If the past week or so had taught me anything, it had taught me that Rose came first. Not the job. Not the Moroi. Rose.
Sure, I couldn't always toss my work aside so easily, but for today at least, being a guardian could wait.
"I miss you, too, Roza. But something tells me that you're not just calling to say that you miss me. What's going on?"
I heard the sound of springs squeaking on the other side of the call and knew she was settling on the bed. Sometimes it was strange to think of her in my old childhood bedroom, even if I hadn't stepped foot in that room in years. Occasionally she would send me pictures of things I had totally forgotten, things like that old Nirvana shirt, and I'd be thrust back in time. I knew she was hesitant to move anything or "mess up" the room, despite my insistence that it was her room now and not mine anymore. I hoped that when her personal belongings arrived in a few weeks, she would feel comfortable enough to make the space her own.
"How did you handle moving to the US?" she asked.
When she didn't immediately elaborate, I pushed her a little. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, I knew moving here would be hard, but I didn't realize quite how hard it would really be." Rose seemed hesitant to voice her concern, but I had been waiting for this moment. She had been so strong over the past few days, unafraid to say that she missed me or the others but reluctant to acknowledge any of her frustration or struggles. "I feel like an outcast. I mean, people don't even smile. And if I smile at them, they look at me like I'm the weird one."
I could see how that would feel odd to her. Smiling as you pass strangers, or even giving a quick hello, was commonplace in the States. It had taken me by surprise and almost left me a little anxious initially because it felt like people were constantly watching me. I knew it was just friendliness, and I was all but immune to it these days, but it had been a bit of an adjustment. Even now, I knew that I sometimes gave off a standoff-ish persona because I tended to keep a more neutral expression unless I was comfortable with someone. I didn't glare or anything, but I didn't passively smile, either. In Russia, that just wasn't done. It probably came across as rude to her, but smiles were reserved for people you knew and cared about. Friends. Family.
Before I could explain that to her, she continued. "And I didn't realize how isolating it would be to not understand anything around you. I mean, your family usually speaks English when they're talking to me, but sometimes when they're just talking to each other, they still use Russian. And that's fine! I don't want them to always speak English just for me, but it feels weird. Like I'm an outsider. You grew up learning English at school, so you knew how to speak to people when you moved to America, but I just…" she sighed. "It's lonely. Maybe this was a mistake."
Maybe it was. I hated hearing how much she was struggling. I wasn't surprised, and logically I wanted to tell her to just give it time, but I also didn't want her to stick it out if she really wasn't happy there.
"Do you want to come back?" I offered. "Maybe we can find a place for you near Leigh. I'll be there while Lissa's going to school, so we'd get to see each other more." Lissa would be traveling back and forth between University and Court, so I would be too, but there would be moments when we could be together. Dates. Evenings in. The little things that people usually took for granted.
"No. It's fine. You already did so much getting me here. It doesn't make sense to go back now. Plus, even if I did go back, I'd still have to figure out the job situation, not to mention an apartment and roommates..." Her frustration was obvious. Still, I could hear her try to shake it off as she said, "I just need to suck it up."
I'd prefer 'tough it out' rather than 'suck it up.' Having a hard time adjusting was much different than being miserable. I couldn't stand it if she was miserable.
"If you really want to come back, then we'll figure it out." And we would. I wasn't sure how, but we would. We'd figure it out. "But there was a reason I suggested Baia. I know it's a little lonely right now, especially with the language barrier, but you aren't alone. I promise. You have a home there, with people who I hope you'll eventually consider family."
"I already consider them family," she said with an ease that surprised me. I was stunned by how much joy that little revelation brought me. "They've treated me like family from the moment I walked through the door. I guess Sonya's can be a little annoying, but that's just having a sibling, right?"
"Yes, Roza. It is." The smile plastered on my face made it difficult to speak. I had imagined Rose among my family many times over the few days. It was hard not to now that she lived with them. I'd hear them in the background when we talked, or I'd listen to her as she recounted little moments with them throughout her day. However, imagining her as a part of my family was…something else.
Something I wasn't ready to consider fully, but made me ridiculously happy just the same.
Before I got too caught up in the idea of Rose and family, I tried to refocus and put my attention back on helping her. "Are you still having issues with Sonya?" Apparently, pregnancy wasn't doing much for my little sister's mood swings. She had always been the most emotional one out of the four of us. However, if Rose was to be believed, she was in rare form these days.
"I mean, we're still not buddy-buddy, but we're not fighting or anything like that, either. I can't imagine what I did to upset her. Thankfully, she seems content to mostly ignore me. Your grandmother, too. I think she's decided not to speak to me unless I use Russian, so, as you can imagine, we aren't having very many conversations."
Perhaps it was time I gave my family a call.
"I know what you're thinking, Dimitri. Let me handle things." Before I could push the issue, she jumped in to cut me off. "I can't have you fixing all my problems for the rest of my life. I appreciate all you've done, really I do, but I'm a big girl. I promise that I can handle things by myself on occasion."
"I know you can, Roza." It was true; she was more than capable. "That doesn't mean I'll ever stop wanting to help."
I tried to think of some else I could say to reassure her. Something that might have helped me when I was still adapting to a new culture and feeling like a fish out of water.
"Rose, I might have been taught English in school, but that doesn't mean it was an easy transition. I was taught to speak slowly. Formal words only. When I came here, everyone spoke so quickly, with different accents that I had never heard of before, and with all sorts of slang terms that I couldn't understand." Even something as simple as contractions eluded me for a long time. Nothing quite paints you as an outsider as the inability to use "don't" instead of "do not" or "won't" instead of "will not." People may not even realize what's off about your speech; they'll just know that something isn't quite right. "I fully acknowledge that I was more prepared to live here than you are to live in Baia, but it's a learning curve to speak another language wherever you go. I've been here for years and I am still not perfect. I still stumble and have to repeat myself occasionally so others can understand me. Who knows, perhaps learning surrounded by native speakers might give you an advantage. You've only been there a week. You'll learn. I promise. Just give yourself some time. Have you been trying what I suggested the other day?"
"The good morning and good night thing?" she asked. "Yeah, I've been trying."
I had suggested that she consistently use Russian for specific phrases, even if she messed up and even if my family was using English for her sake. We had practiced some small words before she left—да, нет, привет—but she couldn't survive on those few words alone. Common phrases were the next step I wanted her to try.
"Show me. How do you say 'goodbye?'"
She sighed, and I could almost see her rolling her eyes at me. "Da svidenia."
"До свидания" I corrected, focusing on the third syllable. "DA-nia."
"Das sviDAnia." There was obvious annoyance and irritation in her voice as she repeated my pronunciation, but I let it slide. I could understand the struggle. I remembered the frustration of trying to make my tongue form the right sounds and falling short time and time again. "Better?"
"Much better. I promise it'll get easier." I hoped the praise and reassurance would take away some of the sting.
"Why can't I use 'paka-paka?' That's what Paul uses."
"Пока Пока is informal. Fine when you want to say goodbye to Paul or my sisters, but not appropriate for strangers or people like my grandmother. I know it's not ideal and that the informal phrases are easier, but you really need to learn the formal terms as well." I was trying to be encouraging, just as I had any time she struggled in the gym. The difference was that she had a natural talent for combat. Even if she didn't get the correct technique right away, it never took her long to master it. Language was already proving to be a much more difficult endeavor.
"I'm sorry, Dimitri. I know you're trying to help, but I don't think I can do this right now. I just…" She trailed off, sounding tired even though it was only mental energy that she was exhausting.
"I understand. Just promise me that you'll keep trying, okay? Like I said before, it'll get easier in time. I swear." I just hoped, for her sake, it was sooner rather than later. I checked the clock, noticing the time. It was mid-afternoon for her. Rose mentioned that she was still adjusting to the new daylight schedule, and I wondered if maybe she hadn't slept well last night. Her patience was always a bit shorter when she was tired. "Go see if you can rest a little. I have some work to finish, and then I'll call you back."
She scoffed, the sound halfway between amusement and astonishment. "Are you, Dimitri Belikov, famed guardian and no-nonsense mentor to the most troublesome of novices, telling me to actually go take a nap?"
"Yes, I am." I couldn't help but laugh, loving the sound of her giggles echoing from afar. "Now, go lay down for a bit and relax. Read a book or something. I'll text you when I'm through, okay?"
The mere mention of a book seemed to offend her, but she agreed to the rest of my suggestions.
"I'll talk to you soon," I promised. "До свидания, Роза. Я люблю тебя."
"I love you, too."
My paperwork took much longer than expected, nearly two hours rather than the one I had anticipated. It was hard to focus with my worry over Rose distracting me. I wished there was some way to make this transition easier on her, but I knew it was just going to take time and practice. I knew she'd get there, but I wished I could offer more than encouragement.
Once I input the last bit of information the Academy needed for Eddie's evaluation, adding a personal note testifying to his commitment and professionalism, I closed my laptop and allowed my head to fall into my hands. My eyes were tired from looking at the screen, and I felt a little slice of gratitude that my job didn't require hours upon hours of stuff like this. I was much happier active and on my feet rather than sitting at a desk.
Done with work for the day, I pulled out my phone and called Rose. I expected her to pick up right away, but perhaps she had been able to rest after all because my call went to voicemail. I left her a quick message, split between Russian and English, before texting her.
(Dimitri): I'm heading to the gym for a while, but I'll keep my phone close by. Talk to you later.
When the small 'delivered' message at the bottom of the text didn't switch to 'read' and no dots appeared to indicate a reply, I stretched my arms above my head and rolled my shoulders back. It would be good for me to hit the gym. I admit I had been avoiding it like the plague since returning. I had gone for runs each day, but convincing myself to walk through those heavy metal doors without her was much harder. Unfortunately, my muscles were starting to feel tight from neglect, and I knew I couldn't put it off any longer.
I grabbed my bag, tossing it over my shoulder before making my way outside. My earbuds were already in, and the playlist that Rose and I had created together started up automatically. It had been my attempt to keep us from the constant bickering over the background music, but only with mild success. The rogue thought that I could now go back to my personal playlist crossed my mind, but I beat it back almost as quickly. It would almost feel wrong not to have our weird ritual of switching music back and forth as we tried to take control of the stereo. Was it really just a week ago that we were playing that game? As the song in my ear changed from one to the next, I couldn't help but remember one of our last trainings before her expulsion.
The moment the Foreigner song started, I heard the metallic ring of a barbell locking into place on the assisted squat machine. I looked back from my place at one of the heavy bags, working combos as Rose finished her circuit. She had just started her first set, though, and shouldn't be anywhere close to done. I wondered if she had tried to increase the weight too quickly again. I knew she was pushing for another ten pounds, even when I told her it wasn't necessary.
She wasn't adjusting her weights, though. Instead, she was rushing to the little blue tooth speaker next to our water bottles.
I sighed, rolling my eyes as she went to go switch the song. I needed to remove this track since it seemed to annoy her every time it came up. We both agreed that we'd each only get three skips per day (to keep Rose from skipping every song recorded before 1995), and Rose was already on her second one.
The next track started, and she gave me a smirk. The intro to 'Dirty Little Secret' from All-American Rejects began, and before the opening chords could even finish, I was shooting her a glare.
"No."
My veto did nothing to dissuade her. If anything, it seemed to amuse her.
"I mean it, Rose. Change it." The song wasn't a bad one. In fact, I'd even say it was good. I just hated listening to it around her. It felt inappropriate somehow, even if it was supposed to be just a random song on a shared playlist. I made a mental note to remove this one, too.
She gave a dramatic groan, looking like I had asked her to run an extra five miles instead of skipping to the next track. "Better?"
'You're Gonna Go Far Kid,' started up, and I nodded. Offspring was a good midway point for us between what I typically listened to on my own time and what she preferred.
The same song played now, and even though the memory made my heart feel momentarily lighter, the feeling was crushed almost as soon as I stepped into the courtyard and the first person glanced my way.
I knew that look. I'd seen it too many times in the past few days. And I hated it.
It was always a toss-up as to whether I'd be on the receiving end of pity or curiosity when I encountered someone, but I knew I wasn't the only one dealing with questions on a day-to-day basis.
I knew students bombarded poor Lissa about what had happened to Rose or where she was. Rumors ran rampant. Some had small grains of truth, while others were too wild for anyone to actually believe.
I did my best to grit my teeth and stay silent when I overheard people talking. I knew the others were holding a firm "no comment" policy when it came to Rose, and I struggled to maintain it as well.
It wasn't always easy, though. Especially the other day when someone suggested she got knocked up with Adrian's child and ran away to live as a blood whore.
I might have used some colorful language when I told the trio of gossipers to mind their own business.
I also might have been written up for the incident.
Still, I had no regrets. While Alberta's hands were tied when it came to disciplining me for my lack of decorum, I didn't miss her sly look of approval.
The students weren't the only ones talking, though. While few were bold enough to actually ask me about the incident, more than enough guardians witnessed the debacle by the lake. Word spread quickly through the ranks that Rose suffered from a mental breakdown and was no longer considered fit to serve. A few judged her, but many more sympathized. We all knew how this job could affect us, and many of us had seen guardians buckle under the weight of our calling.
The more people I passed, the more irritated I got. By the time I was in the gym, I was more than ready to take out my frustration on the punching bag. It was peak hours, so it was busier than I was used to, but thankfully, people gave me a wide berth. If my earbuds weren't enough of a 'fuck off' to anyone else around me, the sound of my fists pounding against the vinyl made the message clear. Within twenty minutes, it seemed like people were actively avoiding looking my way and I was completely fine with that.
I eventually moved to the weights, pushing myself harder than I knew I should. Extra weight, extra reps, extra sets. I did anything I could to get lost in my focus and the burn of my muscles. I checked my phone a few times, but my earlier message to Rose remained unanswered. A slight worry at the back of my mind started to wonder if Rose had been more than just tired and frustrated earlier. Had I pushed her too much? Was she actually upset with me?
No. Rose would have made it very clear if I had made her angry. She wasn't quiet when it came to things like that.
She's busy, I rationalized with myself, trying to keep my movements steady as I finished my final bicep curl reps. She might still be resting, or maybe she was spending time with my family. Perhaps Rose and Karo had taken Paul and Zoya to the park. I know she mentioned something about a new one on the other side of town yesterday. Maybe she has just forgotten her phone or something.
That still didn't keep me from sending another text.
(Dimitri:) Just thinking about you. Are you doing alright?
The moment it went through, I let out a little groan. I wasn't going to be that guy. I wasn't going to be a boyfriend that had to know where his partner was every second of every day. I knew part of my anxiety was just not having her close by if she needed me, but I had to get over that. Like Rose said earlier, she could handle things on her own.
I moved from the free-weight area towards some of the benches. I had done nearly everything else on my usual circuit, leaving this rotation for last. I tended to be a stickler for the rules, especially safety guidelines. I never let Rose do bench presses without me as a spotter, and even though I benched significantly more than she did, I usually had her spot me too. Today, I didn't bother to ask for anyone's help.
Many of the guys here didn't use spotters, so I didn't think anyone would notice or care, but it didn't take me long to realize that Yuri was lingering nearby. He made a show of looking at something on his phone, but I caught the occasional glance my way that confirmed that he was keeping an eye out for me.
Out of everyone, only Yuri and Alberta seemed to know the whole truth about my relationship with Rose. Alberta had caught on around Christmas, but he'd figured out my feelings towards Rose only a few weeks ago, right after the trial at Court. Specifically on the plane ride back. I hadn't been subtle in my reaction when Rose started screaming in pain and terror, and it was a miracle that the entire Academy wasn't privy to our relationship.
Or maybe they were. It honestly didn't bother me anymore. As long as nobody was disparaging Rose over the matter, they could say and think whatever they liked.
Whether or not people knew, Yuri was the only one who seemed brave enough to actually talk to me about it. Just days before the darkness had overwhelmed Rose, he had confided in me about his own relationship with a former guardian partner and shared how hard it had been for him to work alongside the man he cared so much for.
When I asked for advice, trusting him more than I probably should have at the time, he admitted that he had decided to walk away from his position and the man he adored. While it wasn't what I had wanted to hear back then, I understood his choice. Now, I sympathized so much more and had to wonder how he managed it in the first place.
Thankfully, it was blissfully quiet once I hit the locker room. I stripped for a post-workout shower, closing my eyes and letting my mind wander a little as I let the water fall over me. I wasn't shy about my body (growing up with communal showers beats the modesty out of you pretty quickly), but I was surprised when the sound of another shower head turn-on nearby.
I gave a side-long glance to the man who snuck in without me noticing. It was Yuri again, and while we didn't greet each other, I did give him an acknowledging nod. I saw his eyes flick to my chest before he turned away. I was confused for a second before I realized what he had probably noticed. Ever the vigilant guardian, he clocked my new tattoo. I wasn't ashamed of the compass and blooming rose above my heart, but I also considered it a private thing. Personal. Precious. Unsullied by the whispers of others who wouldn't understand. I had kept it hidden under a shirt in the gym, but it was on full display here.
"I'm sorry about Rose," he offered, breaking the unwritten code of silence in the shared showering area.
I didn't answer. While I appreciated Yuri's condolences, I didn't want to get into the matter. I rinsed the soap from my body, shut off the water, and went to retrieve my clothing so I could walk home. I never got that far.
Before I could finish getting my shoes on, Yuri was sitting on the bench beside me, bare-chested and barefoot, but at least wearing his jeans. My only solace was that he looked almost as uncomfortable as I was with him pressing the conversation.
"Look," he started, keeping his eyes adverted as I continued dressing. "You know that I know about you and Rose…"
I quickly glanced around the room to make sure there was nobody else to overhear us. Just because I didn't care if others knew didn't mean I was eager for the news to get out.
"Don't worry, Dimitri. It's just us. You're not exactly the most approachable person at the moment, so I think people are trying to give you some space."
"It doesn't seem to be bothering you," I bit out somewhat harsher than I meant to. Yeah, there was probably a good reason that everyone else was keeping their distance.
He laughed, not put out in the least by my abrasiveness. "I've been there, remember? I know how it feels to be apart from someone when your entire being is telling you that you're supposed to be together. When I left Eric, well, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I'm assuming you're going through the same thing right now."
I tied up the laces on my first shoe, pulling the knot a little tighter than I typically would before slipping the second one on. "I did what I had to."
"As did I." Sympathy laced his words. "That doesn't make things easier, though, does it?"
I slung my bag over my shoulder, ready to leave both him and the conversation behind. Still, for some reason that I didn't quite comprehend, I hesitated. My bag dropped beside me with a thud as I sat back down on the bench. "No. It doesn't."
A beat of silence passed between us for a moment, neither speaking but both understanding.
Finally, he broke the quiet. "If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. I also know that you may not want to talk about it, which is fine, too. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I get it, and if you need someone around who just…I don't know, understands?...then I'm happy to be that guy."
Despite his uneasy rambling, I appreciated what he was trying to offer. I was about to thank him when I heard my phone ring. I immediately reached for it, pausing only when I heard Yuri laugh. I gave him a questioning glance, to which he asked, "Let me guess, Rose?"
My thumb hovered over the green 'accept' button on the phone, but my curiosity got the better of me. "How did you know?"
"You smiled." He clapped my shoulder, standing and walking away to give me the privacy I had been so eager for earlier. "Catch you later, Dimitri."
"Wait!" I called out, anxious to talk to Rose but needing to ask him something first. "Are you up for sparring tomorrow?"
"I get off at 3," he said, nodding to my phone. "Now answer your girl."
As soon as he turned his back, I did just that.
"Hey, Roza."
Author's Note
Question of the week: How many languages do you speak? Outside of English, I don't have any other languages that I'd consider myself fluent in. I'm out of practice these days, but I used to be conversational in Japanese. I'm currently learning ASL (American sign language) to better converse with my little niece who was diagnosed as deaf last year.
And speaking of languages, the full Dimitri POV series is now available in Russian thanks to an amazing reader by the name of Ekaterina. Thank you so much and if there is anyone who is interested in translating a story into another language, please feel free to PM me. You can check out my bio page to see all the currently available translations.
Thank you all so much for all the kind words this past week. Just as an FYI, I will be out of town for the next two weeks so there will be no updates. Happy holidays to you all and a very merry new year. I'll see you all in 2023.