Chapter 2

Dear Diary,

That sounds so strange, starting the entry with "dear diary" considering I'm an adult. Only kids start their entries with "dear diary" right? Then again, how the hell would I know what I'm supposed to start journal entries with. I don't know much of anything these days. Doctor Hopper suggested I start writing in a journal, to help jog my memory so I can finally remember who I am and what happened to me. I guess anything is better than nothing, and at this point, I'll try just about anything! He said to start from the beginning, and write down what I do know about what happened and work from there. This is going to be a really short list.

The first thing I remember was waking up in the hospital. But I didn't know it was the hospital. In fact, I didn't know what a hospital was. And, surprise surprise, I didn't know who I was. I didn't even know my name. The doctors and nurses kept calling me "Miss Swan'' so I just assumed that was my name. According to the police and intake reports from the hospital, I was found naked on the beach by Killian. He knew my name and knew who I was. He said we were dating before I disappeared and washed up on the shore. The reports also said I had no identification on me; in fact, I had nothing with me except my purple seashell necklace tied around my neck. That necklace is my most prized possession. It's the only thing that matters to me in my life. It's the only thing that connects me to my previous life. They also said the words "E. Swan" was carved into my right arm, which at least matches the name Killian gave them. They think I carved it in my own arm, maybe as an identification marker, in case something happened. But the funny thing is, it was carved into my right arm, and I'm right handed. I couldn't have done that to myself, could I?

That's all I know at this point. The medical report said I had passed out from lack of oxygen, but there was no evidence of strangulation. They put it down as a possible drowning. But since I don't remember anything, we can't know for certain. All I know is what Killian has told me and what the reports say. That is literally all I know about who I am.

I fell in love with the ocean immediately when I stumbled on the beach after being released from the hospital so it only made sense I would work the docks, fishing for Killian's small fishing business. He said I was a natural fisherman.

And that, my friend, is all I know about my life.

I don't remember anything before waking up in the hospital. All I know is what Killian told me, which is very little. And to top it all off, I can't talk to anyone about how I feel, because only a few people in town know about my accident. Just myself and Killian, as well as Doctor Hopper. Doctor Hopper is encouraging me to tell those closest to me. He thinks I might benefit from a wider support system. I don't know though, I don't have many people in my life to begin with. I guess I could tell Ruby. But what if she thinks I'm a total freak? I don't know if I can handle her not being my friend. She's been my rock, and she doesn't even know the truth about me. I guess she deserves to know though...

Her cell phone chimed in her bag, pulling her away from her writing, the wind from the ocean caused the pages to shift under her hands. She pulled out her phone and read the message, expecting it to be from John at the docks. Instead, it was from Killian. She rolled her eyes when she saw his name before she could read his message, assuming he was texting her to yell at her. She took a deep breath as she tapped the screen, opening the new message.

"Going out drinking with the boys tonight. Will be back very late. Don't wait up." She smiled so wide as she re-read the words on her screen. Killian would be out late, which meant she could stay at the beach all night if she wanted. She thought about getting up and getting something to eat at the diner, but she quickly decided against it. She didn't want to waste even a single moment of her time tonight. She cracked open her new journal and continued writing, a smile spreading across her face.

Killian just texted me to let me know he was going out tonight, which means I can stay at the beach all night if I wanted. The beach. The ocean. The waves hitting my legs as I stand at the shore. That is my happy place. It is truly my happy place. It's the only place I feel completely at peace. And Killian doesn't understand that. He's always telling me to stay out of the water, or stops me from spending time here. I think he's just jealous of my strong connection to the sea. Or maybe he wishes he could be as comfortable in the water as I am. Either way, he keeps me from it, and I don't understand why.

She paused her writing as the sky began to turn a beautiful pink and orange color, the sun slowly disappearing behind the horizon. She sat and watched as the colors gently shifted, reflecting off the water below. A single tear fell from her eye and landed on the pages in her lap as she watched the slow light show in front of her.

I just wish I knew who I was. Where I came from. But most importantly, I just wish I remembered what happened to me to cause my memory loss. The last five years have been like living in a thick fog, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't find my way out of it.

The sun disappeared completely and night was beginning to set in, making it difficult to see the words on the page in front of her. Suddenly, she felt an overwhelming wave of peace and calm wash over her as the light from the full moon illuminated the beach.

I hate to admit this, but I feel a little better after only one entry. There might be something to this journal thing after all. But it's getting dark so I will stop here. Maybe I'll even go skinny dipping since it's dark and no one else is around. There's nothing more freeing than feeling the water against your bare skin. Until next time… P.S. I promise I'll figure out a better name to call you than "diary".

She chuckled to herself as she closed her new journal and tucked it back in her bag, checking the time on her cellphone. It was still early, and she knew Killian would be just starting his night out with the boys, and she was serious about skinny dipping. She pulled off her tank top and jumped up, unbuttoning her shorts as she stood, letting them fall into the sand. She moved to pull the strap to her bathing suit off her shoulder when something told her to take one last look around the beach to make sure she was truly alone, even though she didn't remember seeing anyone walk by the only entrance and exit to the beach. She did a quick scan, content that she was alone on the beach, when something caught her attention out of the corner of her eye. She pulled the strap back up suddenly, when she realized that the figure that caught her attention was indeed a person. A woman to be exact, sitting about 500 feet away in the sand. She was sitting so still, just staring out at the water in front of them, that she almost missed her.

"I must have been so engrossed in my writing that I didn't see her enter the beach," she whispered out loud. She didn't think she would miss someone walking past her, but clearly she was wrong. She shrugged it off as she started walking toward the water, picking up speed as she got closer until the waves were gently kissing her feet. She stood in the water for a few moments, soaking in the feeling of the water moving around her ankles, before stepping farther into the water. As soon as the water reached her waist, she dove head first into the next wave, completely submerging her body and head in the salty water. Most people would find the cold water shocking to their system, but not her. She loved that feeling of being submerged in the water, no matter the temperature.

She swam for a few hours, diving under the water until her lungs screamed for oxygen, then letting the waves pull her back to shore, only to stand up and do it all again. She felt more alive in the few hours she spent in the water that night than she had in months…maybe even years. Each time she ended up on the shore, she glanced over at the woman, still sitting in the sand. She could have sworn she caught the woman watching her a few times, but in the darkness it was hard to tell. Maybe she just wanted the woman to be watching her, so she manifested her gaze on her. It was dark after all. The woman was probably just looking at the water that she was splashing around in.

She allowed the waves to carry her back to shore one last time when she realized the moon had shifted significantly in the sky. She walked up to the shore toward her clothes and her trusty bag, noticing that the woman was still seated in the sand in the same spot, not having moved for hours. She shrugged it off and grabbed her towel, drying off a little before checking the time on her phone, shocked at how late it had become. She released a deep breath when she realized it was time to go back home. She knew the bar would close soon, which meant that Killian would likely be coming home shortly thereafter, and she really didn't want to hear his mouth if he got home after a night of drinking to find that she wasn't home. She dried off a little more before pulling on her clothes. She stuffed her damp towel into her backpack and grabbed the rest of her things before making her way toward the real world. She stole a quick glance at the woman still seated in the sand, silently wishing her a good night. She thought for just a second that maybe the woman was looking at her again, but the darkness made it impossible to know for certain.

She slowly walked down the empty streets, eventually returning home, relieved to find Killian still wasn't there. She tossed her bag on the table and retreated to the bathroom to take a much-needed shower. She didn't want to wash the scent of the ocean off her skin, but she knew Killian would complain about the smell when he came home drunk. After she had successfully washed the scent of her beloved ocean off her skin and hair, she retreated to bed, hoping to fall asleep to the visions of the ocean once again.

She could hear the waves crashing into the shore. She had to focus to hear it, but it was definitely there. The unmistakable sound of the waves crashing against the shore. She focused her exhausted brain even more and she could feel the water against her skin, softly caressing her worn out body. She wasn't alone, she realized, when she felt soft hands against her arms. Whoever it was, they were struggling. Struggling to pull her across the sand and away from the water.

She shot up in bed, her heart pounding in her chest. Not from fear but from excitement. She struggled to remember what she had been dreaming of, slamming her eyes shut to block out any distractions. But the more she tried, the less she remembered of the short dream. A body moving beside her reminded her where she was. She opened her eyes in defeat, glancing over at Killian, passed out in bed next to her, the room filling with the scent of the alcohol seeping out of the pores of his skin. She must have fallen asleep before he stumbled home. She flopped back down against her pillow, rolling to her side to face away from Killian and toward the window, struggling to try and hear the waves crashing on the beach blocks away.

"You're late," Ruby said when she walked into the Rabbit Hole, tossing her old bag onto the table.

"Sorry, Killian was giving me a hard time about going out tonight. There's a good chance he's going to call you later to make sure I was actually with you and not lying about going to the beach," she said, gesturing toward the bar, letting her friend know she was going to get a drink before returning to the table.

"He really is overprotective." Ruby laughed when she returned to the table, showing her the text message that she had just received, one from Killian asking if Ruby was with her, just as she had expected. She rolled her eyes as she read the message on her friend's phone, taking a swig of her beer.

She shrugged. "I don't understand why. He has this thing about keeping me from the beach."

Ruby laughed, sipping her martini. "Maybe he can't swim and he's jealous that you're practically part fish."

She laughed, taking another swig of her beer. "I'm starting to think you're right."

Ruby smirked. "I'm always right!" Their conversation quickly turned to gossip, Ruby telling her all about the latest town chatter she overheard at the diner over the last few days.

"Hey Ruby…can I tell you something?" she asked a little while later as they started their third round of drinks.

"Of course. You can tell me anything." Ruby smiled, sipping her third martini.

"Ummm…sooo…" she said, taking a deep sip of her beer, hoping the alcohol would give her some liquid courage. "You know how I moved to Storybrooke five years ago?"

"Yeah…" Ruby said, confusion washing over her face. "And you still never told me where you're from, by the way," she added, kicking her lightly under the table.

"Yeah…well…that's where things get…complicated," she said, her gaze falling onto her beer bottle.

"Oh my GOD! Are you on the run from the Mafia or in witness protection or something?" Ruby asked, her eyes lighting up with the prospect of more juicy news.

"No…nothing exciting like that…" she said, sad to have disappointed her friend with her mundane life.

"Hey, I was just kidding. What is it?" Ruby asked, noticing the sadness in her voice.

"It's just that…well…I…I kinda don't remember anything from before I came here," she said, her thumbnail picking at the label of her beer bottle.

"What do you mean you don't remember? Like nothing?"

"Nothing at all. The first memory I have is waking up in the hospital," she explained, looking up at her friend.

"Wait, seriously?" Ruby asked, her eyes shocked.

"Yeah…I have no idea where I came from or what happened to make me lose my memories. All I know is what I've been told, which isn't much. I've been working with Doctor Hopper for the last five years to help recover my memory, but nothing seems to be helping. Five years and I still don't remember anything," she explained, mentally preparing for Ruby to run screaming from the bar.

"Oh god. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through," Ruby said, reaching for her hand instead of running away. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Wait, you want to help me?"

"Of course," Ruby said matter-of-factly.

"There's nothing you can do, honestly. The truth is, I wasn't even going to tell you. But Doctor Hopper thought it would help if I had a larger support system. Killian isn't much help."

"Wait, Killian is the only other person who knows?" Ruby asked.

"Yeah…"

"I agree with Doctor Hopper. You need a functioning adult in your corner. And Killian is far from being an adult." Ruby laughed.

"That's the understatement of the century." She laughed so hard beer almost came out of her nose.

"But in all seriousness, if you ever need anything, or just need to talk, I'm your gal. Just let me know. I'm serious, I'm in your corner!" Ruby smiled.

"Thanks…I mean it…I really appreciate that…" she said, smiling at her best friend. "It feels good to get that off my chest."

"Good, I'm glad. I'm here whenever you want to unload anything else," Ruby said, taking the last sip of her drink. "And on that note, I think we need another round. No…I DEMAND another round." She jumped off the stool and rushed toward the bar.

A few hours and many more rounds of drinks later, she and Ruby left the bar, walking slowly down the street. Ruby was clearly more inebriated than she was, based on the way she stumbled ungracefully down the sidewalk. She made sure to walk Ruby home and waited until she saw her light turn on in the upstairs apartment before continuing her way home. She stopped at the entrance to the beach, staring at the ocean in the distance. She really wanted to be in the water, to feel the waves against her skin, but she knew she should go straight home to deal with the pissed-off Killian. She contemplated her options for a few minutes, eventually giving into her desire and kicked off her sneakers, walking through the cool sand toward the water. She was slightly drunk, so she decided against the late-night swim, even though she looked around and saw she was alone this time. She didn't know why, but there was a part of her that was a little disappointed that the woman she had seen a few weeks ago wasn't sitting there again that night. Instead, she rolled up her pants and closed her eyes, allowing the waves to crash against her ankles.

She was at peace once again as the water washed over her feet, the light of the waning moon illuminating against her closed eyelids. As her mind calmed, and she could see flashes of her dream she had a few weeks ago, she became increasingly frustrated when she couldn't remember anything else except being dragged a few inches up on the beach. She stared out at the ocean for a few more minutes, watching the light of the moon reflecting off the moving water, knowing in the back of her mind that she would need to return home soon before Killian gave her a hard time for coming home so late.

"Well it's about time," Killian said with a growl when she walked into the door.

"Relax. I was at the Rabbit Hole with Ruby. I had to walk her home because she was wasted." She kicked off her sneakers and tossed her bag in the corner. "I'm going to take a shower and go to bed," she said sadly. Killian missed the sad tone of her voice, as he always did. She took a long shower and headed to bed, relieved to see that Killian was already sound asleep before she crawled into bed next to him. She closed her eyes and pictured the ocean, calming her mind enough to fall fast asleep in a few short minutes.