Morrigan led us through the Wilds and Alistair filled me in on the plan to follow up on the Grey Warden treaties. I feigned interest, remembering Flemeth's warning about giving away any more of what I knew, and agreed it was a good plan. After that, a strange tension grew between us and I couldn't quite think what to say to him. He made a few polite attempts at conversation but it just seemed stilted and insincere, a million miles from the easy banter we had shared before the battle. I knew we were both thinking of the losses we had suffered the day before. Neither of us were ready to bring up Duncan and the Wardens yet and it was the elephant in the Wilds. The pain was still too raw to give life to but their ghosts seemed to occupy the space between us and I knew that we wouldn't be able to speak about anything real until they were exorcised. It wasn't long before we fell into an uneasy silence, punctuated by the clinking of armour as we walked.
We trudged on for hours. Grayson probed Morrigan about her life in the Wilds but I was only half-listening. My ears perked up a little every time I heard snippets of conversation that I recognised from the game - it was the strangest feeling - but Alistair was withdrawn and stoic and I was so lost in my own thoughts that I barely noticed as the trees thinned and our surroundings changed from woods to open road.
I kept replaying the last few days over and over in my mind. Everything had happened so quickly that I hadn't really had a chance to think or feel anything fully, so I had a lot to unpack. I thought about Ostagar, about how easily the darkspawn had overwhelmed me in the tower, and thought of what I might have done differently in hindsight. I thought about the battle, considering a hundred different scenarios which might have changed the outcome, the "what ifs" eating me from the inside out.
I considered what Flemeth had said about the dangers of changing fate and what my purpose here could possibly be if she was right. I wondered again about how I got here and decided that whatever force had brought me to this world had also had a hand in my sister's death. It was the only thing that made sense, since it was coming into contact with the tree at the crash site that sent me here in the first place. I thought about Emily and had to keep forcing away the grisly image of her from my nightmare. I wondered hopelessly how I was ever going to get justice for my sister, since there didn't seem to be any indication of who or what brought me here and, considering that Flemeth didn't even know, I didn't have the first clue where to start looking for answers.
Eventually I had to stop myself from ruminating about things I had no control over because the only thing I was achieving was a headache. Instead, I forced myself to think about our next steps. Lothering was a given, and I knew we were bound to find Sten and Leliana there. I wondered, given the way the battle had played out in this timeline, if Loghain had survived and, if that was the case, if he still felt it necessary to declare the Grey Wardens as outlaws. I honestly couldn't guess either way...Loghain didn't exactly strike me as stable so it was difficult to use logic to try and predict his decisions since, in my experience, logic had very little to do with any of the decisions he had made in-game. "We should make camp." Alistair's voice to my right snapped me out of my thoughts. "It will be dark soon."
"How much further is Lothering?" I asked, looking around for any sign of civilisation.
"On foot, I would say another three days. We are making good time." Morrigan replied. I blinked in surprise. We'd already walked for almost a full day...we had another three days of this? Just to get to Lothering? I really missed the loading screen. And my car. "There is a river, around an hour's walk to the east. We can find shelter and clean water there."
"Thank G...the Maker." I said, hastily covering my almost-mistake, as we followed Morrigan off the main path and headed into the surrounding woods. "I don't think I've ever needed to bathe this badly in my life. Well, once...but we won't talk about that."
"I don't love the idea of having to bathe in a river, but I suppose that's just something I'm going to have to get used to." Grayson grinned.
"Snob." I teased. He shoved me, playfully.
"What about you? You're nobility too." He protested. I threw him a questioning look.
"What makes you think I'm nobility?"
"Oh, you want a list?" He asked, with laughter in his voice. "Well, you can read and write, for a start. That frock you showed up in at Ostagar looked like it was probably Orlesian, but your accent tells me you're from Starkhaven, and I don't imagine many commoners in the Free Marches can afford Orlesian garments. Then, of course, there's the way you speak...don't get me wrong, you have a much better sense of humour than most noblewomen I've come across and you don't seem to take yourself as seriously as you were probably raised to, but even though your words are unusual, you speak them just a little too well."
"Yes, because anyone who's not nobility is a mumbling half-wit." I drawled sarcastically, rolling my eyes. "Check your privilege, Cousland. Being able to form a coherent sentence does not nobility make."
"Okay. Well, your skin is pale, your hair is clean, your hands are soft and you smell good." He shrugged.
"I don't smell too good right now." I said, sullenly, a little put out by his observations.
He leaned in and wrinkled his nose, exaggeratedly. I shoved him and he laughed, holding his hands up.
"You did ask." He chuckled. "Are you going to deny it?"
I considered this for a moment. I couldn't tell them where I was really from and he seemed to have already convinced himself that I was a noble. It was as good an origin story as any, I supposed.
"No." I decided. "You're right. I just wondered what gave it away, that's all."
"I don't think I know your family, though. The Duvals of Starkhaven..."
"We're a minor house." I said, dismissively, hoping that was the end of it. I looked up to see Morrigan eyeing me with amusement. I reddened, slightly. She knew I was lying but I was willing to bet that Flemeth had given her the same lecture she'd given me.
"Duval sounds Orlesian." Grayson mused.
"So does Vael, but I wouldn't say that to their faces." I joked, and he chuckled, dropping the subject. "But, in answer to your original question, you're right. I'm far more used to soaking in a warm tub than in freezing cold rivers but, at this point, I am not complaining. I would sell my grandmother for some soap, though."
"I wish I had some to offer you but I left Highever in a hurry. There was little time to pack sundries when I was fleeing for my life." I could tell he was trying to make light of the situation for my sake, but the smile on his face didn't quite reach his eyes. A wave of compassion swept over me and I gave him a small smile, trying to convey my understanding silently.
"I have some." Alistair said from behind me. He had been quiet for so long, I had almost forgotten he was there. I craned my neck to look round at him. "Nothing to be excited about but it gets the job done, and I have some rations in my pack. There isn't much, so we'll have to be conservative with our portions until we reach Lothering, but at least we won't starve to death."
"Alistair, you are my hero." I declared, dramatically. As soon as he had mentioned rations, my stomach growled - actually it was more of a roar - and I realised just how hungry I was. I slowed my pace slightly to fall into step with him. "How are you holding up?" I asked, softly enough that the others couldn't hear. "You've been pretty quiet."
"So have you." He replied, gently. I nodded.
"Yeah...well, you know."
"I know." He replied, meaningfully.
"When you're ready to talk..." I started, and he reached out, squeezing my arm in thanks.
"I know." He repeated. "Thank you. I'll feel better once we've eaten." He grinned, and the moment was over. I returned his grin, nodding in agreement.
"Tell me about it. I'm so hangry."
"Hangry?" He raised an eyebrow at me.
"Yeah...you know that feeling when you're so hungry that everything annoys you? Hungry and angry...hangry." I explained.
"Did you just make that up?" He asked, in that amused voice I knew so well. I shrugged.
"As far as you know." I grinned. He chuckled, appreciatively.
"Hangry." He repeated. "I like that."
I smiled to myself, pleased that I'd been able to distract him from his wallowing, even if only for a moment.
We reached a small clearing before Morrigan stopped. I couldn't see the river, but I could hear the unmistakable sound of running water nearby. Alistair confirmed that there were no nearby darkspawn and we got to work setting up camp. Morrigan and I gathered firewood while Alistair and Grayson pitched tents in a neat semi-circle in the middle of the clearing.
"Hey Grayson, you're good at starting fires." I said, as I placed the last of the rocks around the firepit that I had dug with Kahn's help - I didn't exactly ask for his help, but as soon as he saw me digging at the earth he decided that it looked like too much fun to pass up.
"Yeah, I've got it." He said, jogging over and kneeling beside me. "You should head down to the river while it's still light."
I retrieved the bar of soap from Alistair and turned to Morrigan, who was dropping the last of her firewood onto the pile.
"I'm heading down to the river to bathe, do you want to come with?"
"Do I want to bathe with you?" She asked, horrified.
Alistair cleared his throat loudly and Grayson suddenly started to concentrate very hard on lighting the fire. I rolled my eyes.
"No, not with me, but I thought you and I could go together and then Alistair and Grayson could go. That way, none of us are left alone. Safety in numbers, and all that." I explained. She studied me for a moment and then sighed.
"Very well." She conceded, throwing her hands up. "I suppose there is logic in that."
I heaved my pack back onto my shoulders and gestured for her to lead the way. The river was only a few minutes walk from the campsite and the clear waters looked calm and inviting. I wasted no time in relieving myself of my armour, taking a moment to stretch out my tired muscles now that I was free of the heavy gear. Morrigan watched me, curiously, as I busted out a few yoga poses, barefoot on the shingle.
"Those movements have meaning." She observed, with interest, as I adjusted my position from Tree to Dancer, standing on my left leg and stretching my right leg behind me, arching my back to grab hold of my foot.
"Yep." I grunted, straining to maintain my balance on the uneven ground, eventually releasing the pose, flowing into Warrior. "It's called yoga. My sister and I take classes twice a week. It originated as an ancient spiritual practice in my world and it's still practised that way by some people, but we only did it to keep fit." She didn't respond but continued to watch me, curiously, as I ran through a few flows. By the time I was done, I felt a whole lot better and, just for the Hell of it, I turned to Morrigan, brought my hands together in prayer and bowed. "Namaste." I rose out of my bow and yelped, as a thought struck me.
"What is the matter?" Morrigan asked, attempting to sound irritated but not quite masking the alarm in her voice.
"I just remembered, I have my yoga gear in my handbag. Mine and Emily's! We were supposed to go to a class the day she died and I packed it the night before." I laughed, joyfully. "Oh, that's amazing. I thought I was going to have to sleep in my armour. Or my underwear, but I wouldn't want either of my fellow Grey Wardens dying of heart attacks."
Morrigan rolled her eyes, but I was too pleased with this revelation to care. I unclasped my bra, shrugging it off and sitting it on top of my pack, and removed my underwear, wrapping my panties around my hand with the intention of washing them too. Morrigan turned away from me, mortified, but I had gone to an all girls school, I was used to showering with thirty other girls after gym class. Being naked had never really been an issue for me. I picked up the soap, dipped a toe in the freezing waters and clenched my teeth, bracing myself, before stepping in. I waded in until the water reached waist height and proceeded to scrub every inch of my skin. I washed as quickly as possible, looking up briefly when a nearby splash indicated that Morrigan had overcome her reservations about taking her clothes off in my company.
Once I was satisfied that my skin and hair was as clean as it was going to be, I offered her the bar of soap and she accepted it, wordlessly. I dipped under the water a few more times, rinsing the last of the lather out of my hair before heading to the shore to dry off. In lieu of a towel, I had no choice but to drip dry, and I rummaged in my bag, pulling out a roll-on deodorant, body spray, a hair elastic, a fresh pair of underwear, Emily's black lululemon leggings and my baggy gym t-shirt, thankful for the first time that I never ever cleaned out my handbag. I didn't have a clean bra so I made my peace with re-wearing my old one, but I was grateful for the fresh clothes I did have and I dressed quickly. I sat on a rock and fished a hairbrush out of my bag, fighting with my wet, tangled hair while I waited for Morrigan to finish bathing. I did the best French braid I could manage without a mirror, before gathering up my armour and stuffing it into my pack.
I was camping in the wilderness of Ferelden and amazingly, with just a few home comforts, I felt refreshed and clean.
When Morrigan was done, we headed back to camp to find Alistair tending to a pot of what appeared to be some kind of stew over a blazing camp-fire. He looked up as we approached and greeted me with a smile, ignoring Morrigan completely.
"You're just in time. The food's ready." He grabbed some tin dishes from his pack and ladled the stew into them one at a time, passing them out. I sat down, discretely placing my clean panties on one of the rocks by the fire to dry and accepted a dish, gratefully. The stew was tough as old boots and, judging by the taste, old boots might actually have been the main ingredient but I was so hungry that I didn't even care and I wolfed it down in seconds. When I was done, I looked up to catch Alistair staring at my chest. I blinked, taken aback by this uncharacteristic display of lechery, until he cocked his head to the side.
"I don't get it." He declared. I followed his eyes and realised he was reading my t-shirt. I grinned, shaking my head. It had originally belonged to my friend Clive, a 6ft 5" teddy bear of a guy from Jamaica, but he had given it to me after his sister puked all over my dress at one of their house parties last summer. It was about ten sizes too big for me and was emblazoned with the words "IF YOU SEE THE POLICE" above the Warner Brothers logo. I quickly thought of how to explain the joke without giving myself away.
"Okay, so "police" is like...a slang Starkhaven word for Guardsmen and this symbol is...the sign of a tavern...belonging to the Warner brothers. So if you read it like that, it's..."
"If you see the police, warn a brother." He finished. He nodded, satisfied with this explanation. "Funny."
"Like everything, it's less funny if you have to explain it, but yeah, that's the joke."
When they had finished eating, the two men headed down to the river with Kahn and Morrigan and I turned in for the night. One of the tents was positioned a little further away and, unsurprisingly, Morrigan claimed that one. I took the one next to her, dumping my rucksack out front so that Alistair and Grayson knew it was occupado.
I collapsed on the thin sleeping mat in my tent, exhausted. The moment I was alone, it was like a dam burst, and every single emotion I had been suppressing over the last week hit me all at once. At first, I didn't understand why I was crying. The tears fell and a huge sob tore through my chest and I just let myself cry. I cried because I missed Emily, because nothing felt right or whole without her. I cried because I was angry that she had been taken from me; I cried because I knew that nobody would ever know me or understand me as perfectly and exactly as she had; I cried because I was crying, because I felt guilty and selfish for wallowing in my own grief when Alistair and Grayson had endured just as much, and worse; I cried because it wasn't fair; I cried because I was afraid; I cried because I wanted to go home, because I missed my mum and dad; I cried because the last thing I said to my father was said in anger; I cried because I couldn't remember the last real conversation I had had with my mother. I cried because of the mess I was in; because of the impossibility of the whole situation; because I was a Grey Warden and I knew everything that being a Grey Warden meant. I cried for Alistair and I cried for Grayson and I cried for Emily. But mostly, I cried for me.
AN: Again, I just want to thank everyone for reading. I know the bathing scene was pretty detailed and boring, but it felt like a cop-out to not give you some explanation for how, going forward, Lauren copes with hygiene in a world without power showers and GHDs. So now that that's out of the way, you won't have to wonder why her hair's not disgusting and she doesn't smell like a mabari.
I also just want to give credit (and mad props) to tumblr user valerie1972 who calculated all of the Ferelden travel times like some kind of sorceress, and whose calculations I will be continuing to use throughout this fic. Link is below if you're interested in checking it out.
Let me know what you think in the reviews, I'm going to try to keep up the posting momentum and any feedback would massively help me to do that. Thanks in advance!
post/62304818756/ferelden-travel-distances-and-times